Mock the Week (2005–…): Season 21, Episode 5 - Episode #21.5 - full transcript
This programme contains
some strong language.
# Read about the things that happen
throughout the world
# But don't believe in everything
you see or hear
# Read all about it
# Read all about it
# News of the world
News of the world... #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
# Read all about it
# Read all about it
# News of the world
News of the world. #
Hello and welcome to Mock The Week.
I'm Dara O Briain and joining me
this week for our final ever
show are Rhys James,
Zoe Lions and Ahir Shah,
Angela Barnes, Hugh Dennis
and Alasdair Beckett-King.
We start now with a round called
Picture Of The Week,
I show the panel a topical image
and ask them to tell me
what's happening.
So teams, what's going on here?
"So, where do you see
yourself in five minutes?"
"Where are they all?"
"Well, Liz, I think they're
at your leaving party."
Sorry, I apologise, we've had...
It's the second week
of being in the studio and for some
reason we've got lots of flies
in the studio, so I've brought
an electrified tennis racket.
And I will get that fly before
the end of the show,
it's just the thing that's
going to happen, it's not really
a major part of the show,
but the fly is really
pissing me off.
I managed to catch a fly last week
just with my bare hands.
Yeah, well, I like
technology, my friend.
I will deal with the fly, carry on.
Is it Jeremy Hunt going,
"For the purposes of the tape,
Jeremy Hunt interview with
Liz Truss.
Charge, wilful destruction
of the economy."
Is it the annual meeting of the Liz
Truss and Jeremy Hunt fan club?
He is going, "Oh, no, no, no.
"Who's done this
budget for you, love?"
Is she going, "I want you to undo
everything," and he is going,
"I'm not sure that's appropriate!"
It's very clear from this
photo that fundamentally,
it's curtains for the pair of them.
He's saying, "I'm going nowhere,
I've glued both of
my fingers to the table."
She is going, "It wasn't me,
you see, they told me to do it.
"That's why none of them are here."
Why are there two chairs
at the head of the table?
Who chairs these
meetings, Ant and Dec?
This is actually a preview
from the near future,
when the Tories only have two seats.
Does anybody have the
correct answer, please?
That's Jeremy Hunt and Liz Truss.
Absolutely right, thank
you very much, Hugh.
Very good.
Yes, at the time of recording,
Hunt is still the Chancellor
and Liz Truss is still
the Prime Minister.
Could just do a series of these,
just on the off chance.
Of course, just after we recorded
this, Liz Truss was mounted
into a catapult and fired
into the sun.
Could be anything!
Liz Truss was taken out
of Downing Street on a gurney,
muttering the words,
"I took decisive action,
"I took decisive action..."
As the doctor says, she'll get
all the care she needs.
There is a sort of irony
that we have been cancelled,
but we're still likely to survive
longer than Liz Truss.
Yes!
She's got a very unfortunate manner
about her, hasn't she?
Liz Truss looks like a woman
who failed an audition for the next
season of Handmaiden's Tale,
for being just too freaky looking.
What we're doing right now is just
like a perfect allegory
for the Tories, isn't it?
We're all just sat around in fancy
clothes, continuing to talk
about current affairs as if we don't
know this is all over.
I mean, look, I'm all for this fancy
dress code, but it does
feel a bit on the nose.
We now DRESS like the
band on the Titanic.
It was an honour to
play with you, Rhys.
The pound is a symbol of British
financial stability, isn't it?
So if King Charles's
picture is on the new one,
he's going to be going...
The difficulty I have
with this story is that
it's about the economy,
and for me, the economy is like
a family pet with an erection.
It's unpleasant but
difficult to ignore.
If you go to the Exchequer now,
there is a booth and you pick
a number and it goes
"Chancellor number five".
What I don't get about the Kwasi
thing is, so we saw him back
from a meeting in America,
he was talking about the IMF,
and I read that he didn't know why
he was being recalled to the UK.
Which is weird, because I knew.
He was like, "A surprise party?
"Pour moi?"
Also, he says he didn't have a clue
he was going to be sacked,
but it's pretty low on the list
of things he didn't
have a clue about.
Doesn't the Chancellor
move into Number 11?
Yes.
Do you think he had time
to put any posters up?
I bet he didn't even
unpack his toastie maker.
I mean, look, I was on holiday
when we were told that
this thing was cancelled,
but I just was fine,
because I was on holiday,
so I just ordered some booze!
They didn't call me back last
Saturday so they could
sack me to their face!
That's the difference
between you and I.
Genuinely, when I got the phone call
about Mock The Week being cancelled,
I was washing fox shit
off a cockerpoo.
Genuinely!
I'm glad you finished that sentence!
My glamorous lifestyle!
Kwasi thought, you know,
he probably thought he was all
for the free market,
but now he was wondering
if he should have introduced
legislation making it more difficult
to sack people.
He's probably thinking, "Never mind,
at least I've got a good pension...
"Oh, no!"
It's easy to criticise Liz Truss,
but I think she's done what no other
politician could do,
which is make the Labour
Party electable.
It's a very good day,
however, for the careers
team at her old school,
because she has gone on record
as saying that her old school
"didn't recognise my potential".
Turns out they nailed it.
Sorry, are we seriously just
going to sit around this whole show
and talk about the news?
I thought because it was
the last day, we would play
board games and stuff.
I brought Uno.
I had exactly the same thought,
but I was just a bit smarter.
I brought the
Would I Lie To You game.
Angela?
True.
Meanwhile, what's going on here?
Imagine being such a boring
President that you could turn up
in an ice cream parlour
and the people there
are just on their phone.
Is he saying, "This is a .44 Magnum,
the most powerful ice cream of all"?
I've seen my grandad eat ice cream,
and that is not enough napkins.
I think he's just saying,
"This guy called Kwasi
"gave me his ice cream and said
he needed to run to the airport."
I bet he's ordering all, like,
1950s desserts, going,
"Give me your best
buttercream sundae pie
"with extra fruit pips, please."
Or he's going, "Who wants a lick
of Grandpappy's ice cream?"
There is something weird
about eating an ice cream
in a tie, isn't there?
It's like going to a softplay
in your work shoes.
Or doing a panel show in a tux.
He's going, "I've got brain
freeze and I haven't even
"eaten the ice cream."
The only cones that Republicans
like are the white ones
that go over your...
Sorry, too edgy?
This is why we were cancelled,
Alasdair, goddammit!
We can't lose the racists!
I'm sorry, I'd like to apologise
to the Ku Klux Klan for
any offence in my previous comment.
Actually, Alasdair, out
of all of the panel,
member, because your hair
would come out of the bottom of your
cone.
would come out of the bottom of your
"Wait a minute..."
would come out of the bottom of your
Dara, Dara?
would come out of the bottom of your
Do we really think he'd be the least
successful Ku Klux Klan member?
I suppose, yes.
That's an excellent point.
At the end of that round,
the points go to Ahir, Zoe and Rhys!
Now we play a round called
Wheel Of News, because that's
what it's always been called,
it's always been
called Wheel Of News.
You must be misremembering
the other name.
This game involves Rhys,
and you know what,
as it's the last time, me!
So, while we make our way
to the performance area, Hugh,
you come and sit down and do
the reading of this.
Thank you very much.
Oh, that's why you've put
on trousers this week!
Yes!
OK, what do I do?
You read this bit there.
This round is a stand-up challenge.
I launched the Wheel Of News
and it chooses to stop,
one of our performers must step
forward and talk about that subject.
The winner is whoever
I think is the funniest.
OK, here we go.
Spin the wheel!
So, the first subject is parties,
who wants to have a go about that?
I'll do it.
I get invited to a lot of parties,
usually as a waiter.
The parties have
changed as I got older.
Recently, I had to go
to a murder mystery party.
Because it's not enough to go
to a dinner party any more and just
wish you were dead...
It's always the same, the way
you get invited to this stuff.
It's always, "Come round,
come round to my house!
"I'm having a dinner party, yes!"
It's not always hosted
by Tom Allen, but quite often...
"Come along!"
"I'm having a dinner
party, that's right!
"But not just any dinner party,
a dinner party is set in 1956, ooh!"
There is a dress code,
and the dress code is...
Inconvenient.
You've all got to be
in character all night,
that's how a murder mystery works,
you're all in character all night,
and the characters in this thing
are impossibly international.
The representation on display.
I went to this one, there
was a Swiss diplomat character,
there was a German scientist,
a British naval officer.
One of the characters was Chinese.
None of the guests were Chinese.
That's a real test of acting range
and moral acceptability.
As Sharon from St Albans
attempts to spend
her evening as "Emperor Yang".
I mean, she nailed it,
but it was not OK.
My character was needlessly French.
His name was Jacques Philippe.
And Jacques Philippe
was the struggling French journalist
in need of a big story
to save his career.
But I was in character,
I was like, OK, I'll go round,
I'll be Jacques Philippe.
So I was like, "Bonjour, bonjour!
Je m'appelle Jacques Philippe.
Je suis un...
struggling French journaliste.
In need of un grand
story to save ma career.
Because your French GCSE
will only get you so far.
As soon as I saw his name,
I was like, I hope this guy likes
going swimming with his dad,
or I'm screwed.
OK, that leaves us with Dara,
so let's see what your topic is.
Spin the wheel, please.
OK.
Your topic is job loss.
Yeah, I'd like to spin it again.
OK.
Is that an option?!
It's always been an option,
did you not know that?
Dara, Dara, I just had to improvise
a Tom Allen impression.
You can always go
for the other topic.
Let's go for another one.
Spin the wheel again.
This is, um...
It's seeking new employment,
is that all right?
Just one more, we'll just go
for one more and we'll see
if it's something more...
OK, spin it once more!
Slightly incomprehensible,
but this is retirement.
Yeah, er...
Yeah, I get that.
Yeah, I'm not ready to be retired.
For many reasons, not
least because I am
use around the house.
One thing that I insist on around
the house is I like the house
to be quite automated,
and I have done that.
Alexa, for example, I've got
Alexa for the house.
Not because I felt it
would automate the house,
but also because I felt it'll kind
of be sexy, it'll kinda
be a cool thing to do.
Arrive home after an evening
out with your lady,
Alexa will be there,
you'll go,
"Alexa, play some Prince."
And then the sweet funky music
will start and it'll all be
a lovely mood, like.
Obviously, the limitations
of my accident and voice
recognition, you go,
"Alexa, play some Prince," and Alexa
will go, "Printing documents now."
And you have to bang to
the incessant rhythm of the printer,
and that is incredibly
difficult to maintain.
IMITATES NOISE OF PRINTER
Jesus, those things are RELENTLESS!
I'm not a young man any more,
but I could do three minutes at that
speed tops before I pray for
a paper jam or any kind of
ink cartridge problem.
But I did put all the others...
There is an app where you can put
all this stuff on your phone.
The lighting, all this kind
of stuff, like, whatever.
All the kind of stuff,
like whatever.
Never necessarily
that smart, whatever.
The lighting, for example,
wasn't a great idea,
because I would often be woken
in the middle of the night, oh,
what are the lights doing on?
And then I would realise that my
wife, on the train to work at 7am,
had simply taken out her phone
and gone, time to get up, bang.
So, this is escalating!
On the same app, I have now put
heating and air-conditioning.
So, at will, I can plunge individual
rooms into cold and dark,
and then use Spotify to play
children singing nursery rhymes.
I did this while I was away
on tour one day and then
I rang my wife to see
if she enjoyed my little joke.
And she said, you seem
to have forgotten that
I was on call tonight.
I'm actually at work,
but I just had a text
from the babysitter,
and she is shitting herself.
I am going to give all of the points
to Dara because then
at the end of the game,
he is going to give
all the points to me!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING.
Our next round is called
If This Is The Answer,
What Is The Question?
On the board are six categories.
Zoe, which category would you like?
Let's go with home news, please.
Home news it is.
If the answer is 17 years,
what is the question?
Is it, when will I
hit my sexual peak?
Is it, what's the maximum
amount of time you can
reply to a text with,
sorry, just saw this?
Is it, let's be honest,
best case scenario,
what Jubilee does Charles make?
I said best!
I think it's when I take my bra off,
how long do my breasts swing
like a Newton's cradle?
Is it, how long do you have to spend
in prison until you become an older
Is it, how long do you have to spend
in prison until you become
an old guy with the book trolley?
Until what age did I think
when a group of men lived together,
their boners sync up?
I'll be taking no further questions.
Is it, where I come from,
what age do you start being a milf?
How long into a relationship is too
long to turn to your partner
and say, so what kind of music
are you into?
How long have I secretly preferred
Have I Got News For You?
So, did we have any...?
Yeah, the real answer.
How long is it since
you had hope in your eyes?
Also known as...?
How long has it been
since we started Mock The Week?
Absolutely right,
thank you very much.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING.
Yes, the question was, how long has
Mock The Week been on TV?
This is the news that after 17
years and 232 episodes,
Mock The Week is coming to an end.
So, how do you feel
about the show ending?
Not great.
But I think we've got
an opportunity here.
Obviously we've dressed up, we've
got to think about what the final
shot of the whole thing
is going to be.
My suggestion is, it's Lily Allen
playing an acoustic version
of the theme tune as a Mega Bus
slowly disappears over the horizon.
While we're having a touchy,
emotional moment, I'd just
really like to pay tribute
to all the female panellists that
came before me on the show.
So, thank you, both of you.
APPLAUSE.
Hugh, you have done all 200 and...
Episodes.
I have, yeah.
Look, I don't want to be
sentimental about this,
but we have got you a little gift.
You're not a sentimental
man, are you?
No, I'm not, but we got you this.
It's a commemorative plate,
and it just says...
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING.
Look, it's totally unique,
it's the only one in the world.
Apart from the one
that I've bought you.
Oh, actually, I got
you a card and a gift, Dara.
Yeah, I got you a card,
there you go, first of all.
Shall I open the card first?
Yeah, sure.
Enjoy your retirement.
Good luck with everything.
You've put £5 in.
And here's your gift.
A lot of thought went into this.
Oh, really have, it is a copy
of Bus Simulator 16.
This was my first proper
telly job that I got,
my first proper bit on telly.
And the way the evolution
of television goes for women my age,
after this, it will be Loose Women,
Rip Off Britain, death.
So, this has been...
Thanks for the pinnacle.
I am so looking forward...
People have said, what is your
favourite moment on the show?
And my favourite moment
has not yet happened,
because I know how much you want it,
Dara, and I'm really looking forward
to the last time you press
that buzzer and it
launches you into space.
That would be one of the amazing
scenes we'd like to see.
Slowly...
Is there anyway we can keep
the show on the air?
There is a petition,
have you heard about the petition?
I think we could save it if we just
ended on a cliffhanger.
That's how you get petitions to get
loads of signatures,
people want the closure
of a cliffhanger.
So if we just literally get
to the end and, like,
that is it for Dara, goodbye.
And I went, Dara, I'm your son.
Black out.
APPLAUSE.
OK, here is the final story
we will ever do on Mock The Week,
so we had to pick a really important
one, so, you know...
Why are some new iPhones making
unwanted emergency calls?
Oh, it's because...
On roller-coasters in the States,
they've detected movement and have
sent out like an SOS alarm to iPhone
service, or whatever.
sent out like an SOS alarm to iPhone
services, or whatever.
Yes, so, if you go to, you know,
Alton Towers or whatever,
it will keep sending emergency calls
to your family, going,
he is at Alton Towers again.
Yeah, some behaviours will set it
off, vigourous sex, for example,
depending on the type of sex you do,
roller-coasters, sex
on a rollercoaster...
And it's Apple watches
as well, isn't it?
So, don't let teenage boys wear
one, for Christ's sake.
And do you always have
your phone when you're
having violent sex, Dara?
I said vigourous sex which is very
different to violent sex.
I don't want to go down
whatever dark agenda
you are going here, my friend.
Vigourous just means
energetic and whatever.
Your grim darkness, that's it,
or I will be thinking of you, rrr,
have a bit of this...
Have a bit of this, that's
the phrase I don't think a...
Where do you keep your phone
when you're having vigourous sex?
Just betwixt your buttocks?
You say you don't do
violent sex but you own
an electrified tennis racket?
But I don't use it in sex.
You must have given it a go.
It's electrified!
I'm electrifying myu tongue!
It was meant to be sexy and now it's
just me electrifying myself.
I don't know about
you but I'm turned on.
At the end of that round,
points go to Ahir, Zoe and Rhys!
Now, we come to Scenes
We'd Like To See.
So, if everyone can make their way
over to the performance area,
I will read out this week's topics
and we can see what our
panellists can come up with.
Here we go.
The first subject is...
So, we've put Steve in a Millwall
top and some trackie bottoms.
You're watching Straight Eye.
And to prove I really do think Kate
looks better after the makeover,
here I am touching her
with a barge pole.
Well, Sophie specified she wanted
38D, so we have replaced her smaller
boobs with an aeroplane seat.
Michelle, you wanted
to feel 25 again, so,
we've given you 50 grand's
worth of student debt.
I call this look
Gandalf at a wedding.
Well, with a new look
and a much-changed face,
Alison will be furious we've made
this documentary about her witness
protection programme.
We going to make Steve look good
naked by getting his
partner Debbie hammered.
When Sarah approached us,
she said she wanted a little
more male attention,
so we've made her tweet something
slightly incorrect about Doctor Who.
The channel would like to apologise
for last week's episode
of Look Good Naked with Jacob
Rees-Mogg.
Some things you really can't
un-see, and, why does
a penis need a monocle?
You said you wanted
something figure hugging.
This is our producer Phil.
Nothing ages you faster than stress,
so, you've got 30 minutes
to change your life.
Go, go, do it now!
Debbie really does now look
like a vibrant 45-year-old.
Unfortunately, she's 22.
Well, I think we've all
agreed, you look much
better without glasses.
And that's why we've
all taken ours off.
Brian has conflicting emotions
about his hair transplant.
On the one hand he loves his
new short, curly, dark hair.
On the other, he's
missing his pubes.
Joining me to discuss his incredible
weight loss journey is Kwase.
Now, Kwase, I hear you lost
65 billion pounds in a week?
APPLAUSE.
The last topic is...
Unlikely things to hear
on Mock The Week.
After you.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
Welcome to Series 22.
What I've actually never told Dara
is that I've connected his buzzer
via Bluetooth to my love eggs.
Well, now it's time
for the final scores.
In second place,
it's Angela, with 12.
And in first place, it's Hugh
with 48 billion and six.
Spin the wheel.
And the next topic is,
criticism of Islam,
who wants to come in on that?
And the show has been saved
by an anonymous benefactor.
Still the same old show
you know and love.
Now time for our first round, oh,
isn't Putin handsome?
After 17 years, the greatest
will they, won't they,
in British television history,
comes to an end, as Hugh
and Dara finally fuck.
Vigourously.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING.
Some say this show is
scripted and rehearsed,
but as a British Asian man...
Sorry, that's your one.
And on this week's
episode, four women!
And that's it for Mock The Week.
As is tradition with BBC
execs, once something
gets to 17 years old,
they're no longer interested.
APPLAUSE.
Cancel us!
At the end of that round, the points
go to Angela, Hugh and Alasdair!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING.
And that's the end of the show.
This week's winners
are Angela Barnes, Hugh Dennis
and Alasdair Beckett-King.
Commiserations to Reece James,
Zoe Lyons and Ahir Shah.
Normally we just finish there,
but this is the last episode, so...
Well, I say it's the last episode.
Over the next two weeks,
will be showing compilations,
a history of Mock The Week,
going back to the very,
very start and coming
all the way up to where we are,
that will be over the next two
weeks at the same time.
We've been on for the last 17 years,
we've done 232 episodes,
featuring 131 comedians.
We've seen out six prime ministers,
four US presidents, seven England
football managers and two
Archbishops of Canterbury.
That wasn't a big deal.
Can I say that I have
prepared a little speech,
because I get quite emo...
Do you mind if I...?
By all means, yes.
Just a little speech.
Goodbye.
LAUGHTER.
That's literally it.
It has been an absolute blast to do,
however, and we also leave
with quiet pride of knowing that
in the years that we've been on,
we have now left the country
in a far more stable,
prosperous and happy situation...
LAUGHTER.
..than we started.
And we'll always have that.
We're not a very sentimental,
very mawkish show, so we're just
going to say, on behalf
of the production team,
and on behalf of myself
and all the comedians here,
it's been an absolute joy to talk
to you and an honour,
I'm Dara O Briain, good night.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING.
# We'll meet again.
# Don't know where, don't know when.
# But I know we'll meet
again some sunny day.
# Keep smiling through.
# Just like you # Always do.
# Till the blue skies
drive the dark clouds.
# Far away.
God!
God, I just had a terrible dream,
that I was hosting a topical
panel show for 17 years,
it went on and on and on!
Honey, honey!
Yes, Dara?
No!!!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING.
some strong language.
# Read about the things that happen
throughout the world
# But don't believe in everything
you see or hear
# Read all about it
# Read all about it
# News of the world
News of the world... #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
# Read all about it
# Read all about it
# News of the world
News of the world. #
Hello and welcome to Mock The Week.
I'm Dara O Briain and joining me
this week for our final ever
show are Rhys James,
Zoe Lions and Ahir Shah,
Angela Barnes, Hugh Dennis
and Alasdair Beckett-King.
We start now with a round called
Picture Of The Week,
I show the panel a topical image
and ask them to tell me
what's happening.
So teams, what's going on here?
"So, where do you see
yourself in five minutes?"
"Where are they all?"
"Well, Liz, I think they're
at your leaving party."
Sorry, I apologise, we've had...
It's the second week
of being in the studio and for some
reason we've got lots of flies
in the studio, so I've brought
an electrified tennis racket.
And I will get that fly before
the end of the show,
it's just the thing that's
going to happen, it's not really
a major part of the show,
but the fly is really
pissing me off.
I managed to catch a fly last week
just with my bare hands.
Yeah, well, I like
technology, my friend.
I will deal with the fly, carry on.
Is it Jeremy Hunt going,
"For the purposes of the tape,
Jeremy Hunt interview with
Liz Truss.
Charge, wilful destruction
of the economy."
Is it the annual meeting of the Liz
Truss and Jeremy Hunt fan club?
He is going, "Oh, no, no, no.
"Who's done this
budget for you, love?"
Is she going, "I want you to undo
everything," and he is going,
"I'm not sure that's appropriate!"
It's very clear from this
photo that fundamentally,
it's curtains for the pair of them.
He's saying, "I'm going nowhere,
I've glued both of
my fingers to the table."
She is going, "It wasn't me,
you see, they told me to do it.
"That's why none of them are here."
Why are there two chairs
at the head of the table?
Who chairs these
meetings, Ant and Dec?
This is actually a preview
from the near future,
when the Tories only have two seats.
Does anybody have the
correct answer, please?
That's Jeremy Hunt and Liz Truss.
Absolutely right, thank
you very much, Hugh.
Very good.
Yes, at the time of recording,
Hunt is still the Chancellor
and Liz Truss is still
the Prime Minister.
Could just do a series of these,
just on the off chance.
Of course, just after we recorded
this, Liz Truss was mounted
into a catapult and fired
into the sun.
Could be anything!
Liz Truss was taken out
of Downing Street on a gurney,
muttering the words,
"I took decisive action,
"I took decisive action..."
As the doctor says, she'll get
all the care she needs.
There is a sort of irony
that we have been cancelled,
but we're still likely to survive
longer than Liz Truss.
Yes!
She's got a very unfortunate manner
about her, hasn't she?
Liz Truss looks like a woman
who failed an audition for the next
season of Handmaiden's Tale,
for being just too freaky looking.
What we're doing right now is just
like a perfect allegory
for the Tories, isn't it?
We're all just sat around in fancy
clothes, continuing to talk
about current affairs as if we don't
know this is all over.
I mean, look, I'm all for this fancy
dress code, but it does
feel a bit on the nose.
We now DRESS like the
band on the Titanic.
It was an honour to
play with you, Rhys.
The pound is a symbol of British
financial stability, isn't it?
So if King Charles's
picture is on the new one,
he's going to be going...
The difficulty I have
with this story is that
it's about the economy,
and for me, the economy is like
a family pet with an erection.
It's unpleasant but
difficult to ignore.
If you go to the Exchequer now,
there is a booth and you pick
a number and it goes
"Chancellor number five".
What I don't get about the Kwasi
thing is, so we saw him back
from a meeting in America,
he was talking about the IMF,
and I read that he didn't know why
he was being recalled to the UK.
Which is weird, because I knew.
He was like, "A surprise party?
"Pour moi?"
Also, he says he didn't have a clue
he was going to be sacked,
but it's pretty low on the list
of things he didn't
have a clue about.
Doesn't the Chancellor
move into Number 11?
Yes.
Do you think he had time
to put any posters up?
I bet he didn't even
unpack his toastie maker.
I mean, look, I was on holiday
when we were told that
this thing was cancelled,
but I just was fine,
because I was on holiday,
so I just ordered some booze!
They didn't call me back last
Saturday so they could
sack me to their face!
That's the difference
between you and I.
Genuinely, when I got the phone call
about Mock The Week being cancelled,
I was washing fox shit
off a cockerpoo.
Genuinely!
I'm glad you finished that sentence!
My glamorous lifestyle!
Kwasi thought, you know,
he probably thought he was all
for the free market,
but now he was wondering
if he should have introduced
legislation making it more difficult
to sack people.
He's probably thinking, "Never mind,
at least I've got a good pension...
"Oh, no!"
It's easy to criticise Liz Truss,
but I think she's done what no other
politician could do,
which is make the Labour
Party electable.
It's a very good day,
however, for the careers
team at her old school,
because she has gone on record
as saying that her old school
"didn't recognise my potential".
Turns out they nailed it.
Sorry, are we seriously just
going to sit around this whole show
and talk about the news?
I thought because it was
the last day, we would play
board games and stuff.
I brought Uno.
I had exactly the same thought,
but I was just a bit smarter.
I brought the
Would I Lie To You game.
Angela?
True.
Meanwhile, what's going on here?
Imagine being such a boring
President that you could turn up
in an ice cream parlour
and the people there
are just on their phone.
Is he saying, "This is a .44 Magnum,
the most powerful ice cream of all"?
I've seen my grandad eat ice cream,
and that is not enough napkins.
I think he's just saying,
"This guy called Kwasi
"gave me his ice cream and said
he needed to run to the airport."
I bet he's ordering all, like,
1950s desserts, going,
"Give me your best
buttercream sundae pie
"with extra fruit pips, please."
Or he's going, "Who wants a lick
of Grandpappy's ice cream?"
There is something weird
about eating an ice cream
in a tie, isn't there?
It's like going to a softplay
in your work shoes.
Or doing a panel show in a tux.
He's going, "I've got brain
freeze and I haven't even
"eaten the ice cream."
The only cones that Republicans
like are the white ones
that go over your...
Sorry, too edgy?
This is why we were cancelled,
Alasdair, goddammit!
We can't lose the racists!
I'm sorry, I'd like to apologise
to the Ku Klux Klan for
any offence in my previous comment.
Actually, Alasdair, out
of all of the panel,
member, because your hair
would come out of the bottom of your
cone.
would come out of the bottom of your
"Wait a minute..."
would come out of the bottom of your
Dara, Dara?
would come out of the bottom of your
Do we really think he'd be the least
successful Ku Klux Klan member?
I suppose, yes.
That's an excellent point.
At the end of that round,
the points go to Ahir, Zoe and Rhys!
Now we play a round called
Wheel Of News, because that's
what it's always been called,
it's always been
called Wheel Of News.
You must be misremembering
the other name.
This game involves Rhys,
and you know what,
as it's the last time, me!
So, while we make our way
to the performance area, Hugh,
you come and sit down and do
the reading of this.
Thank you very much.
Oh, that's why you've put
on trousers this week!
Yes!
OK, what do I do?
You read this bit there.
This round is a stand-up challenge.
I launched the Wheel Of News
and it chooses to stop,
one of our performers must step
forward and talk about that subject.
The winner is whoever
I think is the funniest.
OK, here we go.
Spin the wheel!
So, the first subject is parties,
who wants to have a go about that?
I'll do it.
I get invited to a lot of parties,
usually as a waiter.
The parties have
changed as I got older.
Recently, I had to go
to a murder mystery party.
Because it's not enough to go
to a dinner party any more and just
wish you were dead...
It's always the same, the way
you get invited to this stuff.
It's always, "Come round,
come round to my house!
"I'm having a dinner party, yes!"
It's not always hosted
by Tom Allen, but quite often...
"Come along!"
"I'm having a dinner
party, that's right!
"But not just any dinner party,
a dinner party is set in 1956, ooh!"
There is a dress code,
and the dress code is...
Inconvenient.
You've all got to be
in character all night,
that's how a murder mystery works,
you're all in character all night,
and the characters in this thing
are impossibly international.
The representation on display.
I went to this one, there
was a Swiss diplomat character,
there was a German scientist,
a British naval officer.
One of the characters was Chinese.
None of the guests were Chinese.
That's a real test of acting range
and moral acceptability.
As Sharon from St Albans
attempts to spend
her evening as "Emperor Yang".
I mean, she nailed it,
but it was not OK.
My character was needlessly French.
His name was Jacques Philippe.
And Jacques Philippe
was the struggling French journalist
in need of a big story
to save his career.
But I was in character,
I was like, OK, I'll go round,
I'll be Jacques Philippe.
So I was like, "Bonjour, bonjour!
Je m'appelle Jacques Philippe.
Je suis un...
struggling French journaliste.
In need of un grand
story to save ma career.
Because your French GCSE
will only get you so far.
As soon as I saw his name,
I was like, I hope this guy likes
going swimming with his dad,
or I'm screwed.
OK, that leaves us with Dara,
so let's see what your topic is.
Spin the wheel, please.
OK.
Your topic is job loss.
Yeah, I'd like to spin it again.
OK.
Is that an option?!
It's always been an option,
did you not know that?
Dara, Dara, I just had to improvise
a Tom Allen impression.
You can always go
for the other topic.
Let's go for another one.
Spin the wheel again.
This is, um...
It's seeking new employment,
is that all right?
Just one more, we'll just go
for one more and we'll see
if it's something more...
OK, spin it once more!
Slightly incomprehensible,
but this is retirement.
Yeah, er...
Yeah, I get that.
Yeah, I'm not ready to be retired.
For many reasons, not
least because I am
use around the house.
One thing that I insist on around
the house is I like the house
to be quite automated,
and I have done that.
Alexa, for example, I've got
Alexa for the house.
Not because I felt it
would automate the house,
but also because I felt it'll kind
of be sexy, it'll kinda
be a cool thing to do.
Arrive home after an evening
out with your lady,
Alexa will be there,
you'll go,
"Alexa, play some Prince."
And then the sweet funky music
will start and it'll all be
a lovely mood, like.
Obviously, the limitations
of my accident and voice
recognition, you go,
"Alexa, play some Prince," and Alexa
will go, "Printing documents now."
And you have to bang to
the incessant rhythm of the printer,
and that is incredibly
difficult to maintain.
IMITATES NOISE OF PRINTER
Jesus, those things are RELENTLESS!
I'm not a young man any more,
but I could do three minutes at that
speed tops before I pray for
a paper jam or any kind of
ink cartridge problem.
But I did put all the others...
There is an app where you can put
all this stuff on your phone.
The lighting, all this kind
of stuff, like, whatever.
All the kind of stuff,
like whatever.
Never necessarily
that smart, whatever.
The lighting, for example,
wasn't a great idea,
because I would often be woken
in the middle of the night, oh,
what are the lights doing on?
And then I would realise that my
wife, on the train to work at 7am,
had simply taken out her phone
and gone, time to get up, bang.
So, this is escalating!
On the same app, I have now put
heating and air-conditioning.
So, at will, I can plunge individual
rooms into cold and dark,
and then use Spotify to play
children singing nursery rhymes.
I did this while I was away
on tour one day and then
I rang my wife to see
if she enjoyed my little joke.
And she said, you seem
to have forgotten that
I was on call tonight.
I'm actually at work,
but I just had a text
from the babysitter,
and she is shitting herself.
I am going to give all of the points
to Dara because then
at the end of the game,
he is going to give
all the points to me!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING.
Our next round is called
If This Is The Answer,
What Is The Question?
On the board are six categories.
Zoe, which category would you like?
Let's go with home news, please.
Home news it is.
If the answer is 17 years,
what is the question?
Is it, when will I
hit my sexual peak?
Is it, what's the maximum
amount of time you can
reply to a text with,
sorry, just saw this?
Is it, let's be honest,
best case scenario,
what Jubilee does Charles make?
I said best!
I think it's when I take my bra off,
how long do my breasts swing
like a Newton's cradle?
Is it, how long do you have to spend
in prison until you become an older
Is it, how long do you have to spend
in prison until you become
an old guy with the book trolley?
Until what age did I think
when a group of men lived together,
their boners sync up?
I'll be taking no further questions.
Is it, where I come from,
what age do you start being a milf?
How long into a relationship is too
long to turn to your partner
and say, so what kind of music
are you into?
How long have I secretly preferred
Have I Got News For You?
So, did we have any...?
Yeah, the real answer.
How long is it since
you had hope in your eyes?
Also known as...?
How long has it been
since we started Mock The Week?
Absolutely right,
thank you very much.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING.
Yes, the question was, how long has
Mock The Week been on TV?
This is the news that after 17
years and 232 episodes,
Mock The Week is coming to an end.
So, how do you feel
about the show ending?
Not great.
But I think we've got
an opportunity here.
Obviously we've dressed up, we've
got to think about what the final
shot of the whole thing
is going to be.
My suggestion is, it's Lily Allen
playing an acoustic version
of the theme tune as a Mega Bus
slowly disappears over the horizon.
While we're having a touchy,
emotional moment, I'd just
really like to pay tribute
to all the female panellists that
came before me on the show.
So, thank you, both of you.
APPLAUSE.
Hugh, you have done all 200 and...
Episodes.
I have, yeah.
Look, I don't want to be
sentimental about this,
but we have got you a little gift.
You're not a sentimental
man, are you?
No, I'm not, but we got you this.
It's a commemorative plate,
and it just says...
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING.
Look, it's totally unique,
it's the only one in the world.
Apart from the one
that I've bought you.
Oh, actually, I got
you a card and a gift, Dara.
Yeah, I got you a card,
there you go, first of all.
Shall I open the card first?
Yeah, sure.
Enjoy your retirement.
Good luck with everything.
You've put £5 in.
And here's your gift.
A lot of thought went into this.
Oh, really have, it is a copy
of Bus Simulator 16.
This was my first proper
telly job that I got,
my first proper bit on telly.
And the way the evolution
of television goes for women my age,
after this, it will be Loose Women,
Rip Off Britain, death.
So, this has been...
Thanks for the pinnacle.
I am so looking forward...
People have said, what is your
favourite moment on the show?
And my favourite moment
has not yet happened,
because I know how much you want it,
Dara, and I'm really looking forward
to the last time you press
that buzzer and it
launches you into space.
That would be one of the amazing
scenes we'd like to see.
Slowly...
Is there anyway we can keep
the show on the air?
There is a petition,
have you heard about the petition?
I think we could save it if we just
ended on a cliffhanger.
That's how you get petitions to get
loads of signatures,
people want the closure
of a cliffhanger.
So if we just literally get
to the end and, like,
that is it for Dara, goodbye.
And I went, Dara, I'm your son.
Black out.
APPLAUSE.
OK, here is the final story
we will ever do on Mock The Week,
so we had to pick a really important
one, so, you know...
Why are some new iPhones making
unwanted emergency calls?
Oh, it's because...
On roller-coasters in the States,
they've detected movement and have
sent out like an SOS alarm to iPhone
service, or whatever.
sent out like an SOS alarm to iPhone
services, or whatever.
Yes, so, if you go to, you know,
Alton Towers or whatever,
it will keep sending emergency calls
to your family, going,
he is at Alton Towers again.
Yeah, some behaviours will set it
off, vigourous sex, for example,
depending on the type of sex you do,
roller-coasters, sex
on a rollercoaster...
And it's Apple watches
as well, isn't it?
So, don't let teenage boys wear
one, for Christ's sake.
And do you always have
your phone when you're
having violent sex, Dara?
I said vigourous sex which is very
different to violent sex.
I don't want to go down
whatever dark agenda
you are going here, my friend.
Vigourous just means
energetic and whatever.
Your grim darkness, that's it,
or I will be thinking of you, rrr,
have a bit of this...
Have a bit of this, that's
the phrase I don't think a...
Where do you keep your phone
when you're having vigourous sex?
Just betwixt your buttocks?
You say you don't do
violent sex but you own
an electrified tennis racket?
But I don't use it in sex.
You must have given it a go.
It's electrified!
I'm electrifying myu tongue!
It was meant to be sexy and now it's
just me electrifying myself.
I don't know about
you but I'm turned on.
At the end of that round,
points go to Ahir, Zoe and Rhys!
Now, we come to Scenes
We'd Like To See.
So, if everyone can make their way
over to the performance area,
I will read out this week's topics
and we can see what our
panellists can come up with.
Here we go.
The first subject is...
So, we've put Steve in a Millwall
top and some trackie bottoms.
You're watching Straight Eye.
And to prove I really do think Kate
looks better after the makeover,
here I am touching her
with a barge pole.
Well, Sophie specified she wanted
38D, so we have replaced her smaller
boobs with an aeroplane seat.
Michelle, you wanted
to feel 25 again, so,
we've given you 50 grand's
worth of student debt.
I call this look
Gandalf at a wedding.
Well, with a new look
and a much-changed face,
Alison will be furious we've made
this documentary about her witness
protection programme.
We going to make Steve look good
naked by getting his
partner Debbie hammered.
When Sarah approached us,
she said she wanted a little
more male attention,
so we've made her tweet something
slightly incorrect about Doctor Who.
The channel would like to apologise
for last week's episode
of Look Good Naked with Jacob
Rees-Mogg.
Some things you really can't
un-see, and, why does
a penis need a monocle?
You said you wanted
something figure hugging.
This is our producer Phil.
Nothing ages you faster than stress,
so, you've got 30 minutes
to change your life.
Go, go, do it now!
Debbie really does now look
like a vibrant 45-year-old.
Unfortunately, she's 22.
Well, I think we've all
agreed, you look much
better without glasses.
And that's why we've
all taken ours off.
Brian has conflicting emotions
about his hair transplant.
On the one hand he loves his
new short, curly, dark hair.
On the other, he's
missing his pubes.
Joining me to discuss his incredible
weight loss journey is Kwase.
Now, Kwase, I hear you lost
65 billion pounds in a week?
APPLAUSE.
The last topic is...
Unlikely things to hear
on Mock The Week.
After you.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
Welcome to Series 22.
What I've actually never told Dara
is that I've connected his buzzer
via Bluetooth to my love eggs.
Well, now it's time
for the final scores.
In second place,
it's Angela, with 12.
And in first place, it's Hugh
with 48 billion and six.
Spin the wheel.
And the next topic is,
criticism of Islam,
who wants to come in on that?
And the show has been saved
by an anonymous benefactor.
Still the same old show
you know and love.
Now time for our first round, oh,
isn't Putin handsome?
After 17 years, the greatest
will they, won't they,
in British television history,
comes to an end, as Hugh
and Dara finally fuck.
Vigourously.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING.
Some say this show is
scripted and rehearsed,
but as a British Asian man...
Sorry, that's your one.
And on this week's
episode, four women!
And that's it for Mock The Week.
As is tradition with BBC
execs, once something
gets to 17 years old,
they're no longer interested.
APPLAUSE.
Cancel us!
At the end of that round, the points
go to Angela, Hugh and Alasdair!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING.
And that's the end of the show.
This week's winners
are Angela Barnes, Hugh Dennis
and Alasdair Beckett-King.
Commiserations to Reece James,
Zoe Lyons and Ahir Shah.
Normally we just finish there,
but this is the last episode, so...
Well, I say it's the last episode.
Over the next two weeks,
will be showing compilations,
a history of Mock The Week,
going back to the very,
very start and coming
all the way up to where we are,
that will be over the next two
weeks at the same time.
We've been on for the last 17 years,
we've done 232 episodes,
featuring 131 comedians.
We've seen out six prime ministers,
four US presidents, seven England
football managers and two
Archbishops of Canterbury.
That wasn't a big deal.
Can I say that I have
prepared a little speech,
because I get quite emo...
Do you mind if I...?
By all means, yes.
Just a little speech.
Goodbye.
LAUGHTER.
That's literally it.
It has been an absolute blast to do,
however, and we also leave
with quiet pride of knowing that
in the years that we've been on,
we have now left the country
in a far more stable,
prosperous and happy situation...
LAUGHTER.
..than we started.
And we'll always have that.
We're not a very sentimental,
very mawkish show, so we're just
going to say, on behalf
of the production team,
and on behalf of myself
and all the comedians here,
it's been an absolute joy to talk
to you and an honour,
I'm Dara O Briain, good night.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING.
# We'll meet again.
# Don't know where, don't know when.
# But I know we'll meet
again some sunny day.
# Keep smiling through.
# Just like you # Always do.
# Till the blue skies
drive the dark clouds.
# Far away.
God!
God, I just had a terrible dream,
that I was hosting a topical
panel show for 17 years,
it went on and on and on!
Honey, honey!
Yes, Dara?
No!!!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING.