Mock the Week (2005–…): Season 21, Episode 4 - Episode #21.4 - full transcript

This programme contains
some strong language.

Hello and welcome to Mock the Week.

In fact, the second last
episode of the last ever

series of Mock The Week.

I'm Dara O Briain and joining me
this week are Ed Byrne,

Jen Brister and Sean Mcloughlin.

Angela Barnes, Hugh
Dennis and Glenn Moore.

We start tonight with a round called
"If This is the Answer,

What is the Question?"

On the board are six categories.

Ed, it is your 73rd
and final episode.



And actually, not because the show
is ending, it was going to be your

final episode anyway.

Which category would you like?

I'll have Home News please, Dara.

Your topic is Home News.

If the answer is three hours,
what is the question?

How long does an episode of Mock
the Week feel when I'm not on it?

Is it what's the world
record for the 200 metre

breaststroke on land?

Is it how long did Liz Truss
seem like a good idea?

APPLAUSE.

Is it at my local cafe,
how long is the five second rule?

Is it how long I spent trying
to convince the Dragons to invest

in my memory foam toilet seat?



Is it, how long can there be
a silence in Liz Truss interview

before she thinks "Ooh,
it's getting a bit awkward now"?

How long does each shot
take in Tantric snooker?

I mean, because you've got to fill
all the holes as well.

Is it how long I take to answer
when someone asks me if I want to be

their bloody bridesmaid?

Is it, in an average episode of Mock
the Week how many hours of jokes

Including this one.

APPLAUSE.

We're just two guys
who like the night sky.

Is it how long it takes Wallace
and Gromit to make breakfast

when there's been a power cut?

Is it now that the bridge is out,
how much longer does the diversion

take to get into Crimea?

You are sensitive about the Russian
traffic situation, are you?

Is it the interval time
between the Treasury releasing

a statement and the Bank of England
bailing out the government?

Is it since going Vegan how long
does it take me to wipe my arse?

Is it how long does it take to type
in my Netflix password

using the TV remote?

Can we have the correct answer?

Is it how long are we expecting
the blackouts to be when they come.

Absolutely right, thank
you very much, Ed Byrne.

That's my job to get
the right answer.

Deal with it!

Stop it, stop it, stop it.

It's shaking up the format.

That's my job to get
the right answer.

How long will he seeth for now that
I've given the right answer?

Yeah, all right.

Yes, the question I was looking
for was how long could households

face having their power switched off
for, under emergency plans drawn up

by the national grid?

This is the news that in the midst
of an energy crisis,

one potential scenario involves
rolling blackouts of three

hours at a time if gas
supplies fall short.

So how are we going to deal
with an energy blackout?

Well, first of all I'm interested
they are called blackouts.

Now they used to be called
power cuts, didn't they?

Or outages.

Or Liz Truss's winter wonderland.

I've got a plan, like I'm quite
happy about it because at some point

in my life I must have mentioned
in passing that I quite

like scented candles.

And at last I'm going to get
a chance to use them.

And sure, it might be
a bit overpowering,

I've got a lot of them,
I've got the really expensive ones,

so if you do come to my house
in a power cut it is going to smell

a bit like Gwyneth Paltrow is
exposing herself in a pine forest.

There is a way that you can look up
whether or not your area

is going to have a blackout.

And they've got a website
and if you go on the website

and if the website doesn't load then
that means it is your area that's

currently having a power cut.

I don't get this because they're
protecting heat over light?

But being dark, like dark
is way worse than cold.

So why, I don't know why,
like no one's ever said, "Oh, God,

I'd hate to meet him
in a refrigerated alley".

Like I don't understand
what they want.

APPLAUSE.

Yes, we may have three hour rolling
blackouts because, and this,

and the government have,
Liz Truss has said

this won't happen.

And that's a Liz Truss guarantee.

So, you can take that to the bank.

People are used to a certain
standard of living in this country

and we're not going to dial it back.

I mean look, I know it's not
the best thing for the environment

but I still fill my kettle
all the way to the top -

with diesel.

There were many news reports
during the week about how it's

affecting other countries.

One of them was
Scandinavia for example.

That apparently the people
of Scandinavia are using less

saunas, and you're going "Oh thank
you, I need it explained to me

"in terms of different
racial stereotypes".

It does diminish the appeal
though, doesn't it?

Because without heat,
a sauna is basically just

naked people shivering
in a shed, isn't it?

Why don't they just wear clothes
in the sauna and turn it down a bit?

Good plan.

APPLAUSE.

Can I point out...

Can I point out in the middle
of all this or whatever,

there will be moments
where you see me.

There is a fly.

There is a fly who has
decided to hover around me

and that is a kind of visual
metaphor for a show that is almost

at the end of its life.

So, you will see me lashing out
at the fly occasionally

as if it is death itself.

Be gone, harbinger of doom
and leave me to die.

The fly has nowhere to live
now that the rats have

left the sinking ship.

APPLAUSE.

In other news, who has stepped
in for a third time in a fortnight

to stabilise the economy?

The Bank of England.

Thanks heavens they're here!

It was me!

You're welcome.

Yes, they've put more,
the bank has put in,

in addition to the 65 billion
purchase of government bonds it's

now going to buy a further
five billion of index linked debt.

Before we go any further we ought
to just take a moment and give

the Tories a chance because they've
only been in government

for 12 years.

And I think it's typical of this
sort of left wing, woke organisation

like the Bank of England.

I have seen a glimpse
of the OBR forecast,

the long-awaited OBR forecast.

It's just a single sheet of paper
with a turd emoiji on it.

None of us understand it.

That's part of the problem, right.

Because the economy basically
is like a drunk woman crying

outside a nightclub.

I know that something
really bad is happening,

but I just can't understand
what it is.

APPLAUSE.

Did you get it?

No, I didn't.

The Bank of England do need to step
in, because the situation

is so messed up just financially
for everyone across the country.

Like, I've realised that renting
in a city is so expensive it

would be cheaper for me to just not
rent anywhere and instead just try

to do an escape room really badly.

I've got loads of money saving tips.

Like I buy scratch cards.

Every day I buy scratch.

I never win but I keep them in case
one day they change the rules.

APPLAUSE.

At the moment, our best hope
and the current economic plan

is to, maybe Saudi Arabia will buy
the country and then you know,

with proper investment might get us
back into the top five again

and if we're really lucky,
break into Europe.

APPLAUSE.

That's a football analogy isn't it?

It's both a football analogy, Ed.

Yeah.

And a Brexit joke disguised,
I mean it really was.

Ah that's beautiful.

Ah, we're peaked.

It's why now we're just
going to spend the rest

of the thing hunting a fly
going "clever girl".

Moving on, what's going on here?

That really is the face of a man
who finds sparkling water too spicy.

Is this Michael Gove
going "A photographer, yes.

"kill him".

Is he saying, is he hearing...

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Sorry.

It looks like you're
both trying to hit me.

Sorry, fly.

Is he currently hearing
"You are currently 12th in the queue

to be Prime Minister"?

I think this is a picture
of the demon headmaster being told

that Ofsted are on their way.

Would that joke have worked better
if the fly wasn't on my head?

Is he going "Well where exactly
is the pick-up point?"

Is this about what one of Liz Truss'
closest aides or I don't know,

somebody said something about him
having, what was it,

a darkness inside him?

A darkness in his heart, yes.

A darkness inside of him
that corrupts the soul.

So is he on Grindr or is he?

Or has he just got off Grindr
and he's just got on the phone

and gone "Come over at seven
and fill the darkness inside me".

In other news, why will it
be expensive to visit

Liverpool next May?

It's the Eurovision Song Contest.

It's the Eurovision
Song Contest, yes.

I think I know an absolutely,
perfect time to have a rolling

blackout in Liverpool.

APPLAUSE.

Everyone here always impersonates
the "nil points" thing,

so do you think there'll be people
in Slovakia this time sort

of going "He's got six points".

Because the accommodation
is so expensive, they were saying

they were going to build
a big campsite.

Which basically is what
Eurovision is, isn't it?

I think it's crazy that we're
even having the event.

Like, Eurovision is probably
the most brightly lit event on earth

at a time that we're
having power outages.

Like, some Latvian gets to dress up
like a space pirate and dance

about while I'm at home
drawing my own pornography.

APPLAUSE.

Oh, we were supposed
to give you a present

for your last appearance.

Ooh.

Were you?

Is it a fly?

We sent someone to snappy snaps
and they got, you can even,

they got a pair of y-fronts
with my face on it.

I mean, you say they're
from Snappy Snaps.

You've just been rifling through
Brian Cox's underwear drawer.

OK, at the end of that
round, the points go

to Angela, Hugh and Glenn.

Now we play a round called...

Join us in ten years
for "Mock the Week.

Where are they now?"

This game involves Sean and Glenn.

So, if you could make your way
to the performance area, please.

This round is a stand-up challenge.

I launch the Wheel of News
and wherever it chooses to stop,

one of our performers must step
forward and talk about that subject.

OK, here we go.

Our first topic please.

Let's spin the wheel.

And the topic is ageing.

Sean?

Yeah, well.

I'm worried about ageing.

Of course.

I'm 34 so I'm really
in the business end of my mid 20s.

My wife is actually turning 30 soon.

She's really struggling with it.

She keeps saying things
like "I can't be 30.

"I don't feel like a grown up"
and I'm like "That's not

"how life works, babe.

"You know, just because you don't
feel like something doesn't mean

"you're not something.

"I don't feel like a tax avoider,
it doesn't change what I am."

Because the truth is I'm in my 30s
and I'm the happiest I've

ever been in my life.

Not because my life has improved
in any way, shape or form.

I've just finaly lowered my
ambitions enough that they fit this,

I mean, you think this
is what I wanted to

be when I was a kid?

You know, you think this
is what I wanted to look like?

A Roald Dahl character
on a come-down.

You think this is
what I wanted to be?

Lionel Messi's crackhead nephew.

I hate my life.

I thought I was a genius.

All through my teens and 20s
I thought I was a genius.

Despite all evidence
to the contrary.

I thought I was a great mind,
despite being described by one

of my university professors as,
and I quote, "the worst student

"I have ever encountered
in life or fiction,"

right - fiction.

APPLAUSE.

But it slips away, youth.

It slips away.

We have it and it goes.

No one knows where it goes.

One minute you're 19, you're smoking
spliffs in your bedroom,

you're saying things like "Kings
of Leon can change the world."

Before you know it you're 34,
the man from EDF Energy

is knocking at your door,
you're pretending you're

Spanish so you don't have
to give a meter reading.

You're a ghost.

Thank you.

APPLAUSE.

Thank you very much, Sean.

OK, that leaves us with Glenn.

Let's see what your topic is.

Let's the spin the wheel.

And the topic is drinking.

When I drink I go by the usual
drinking rules, you know sort

of like beer before wine,
makes you feel fine.

Absinthe before whisky,
please call me an ambulance.

The usual.

I never really thought I drank that
much but one day my girlfriend felt

the need to ask me if I was over
the drink-driving limit and I was

like "OK, do you know what?

"If we are counting one
shot of whisky as over

"the drink-drive limit,
then fine, OK all right I am 11

"times over the drink-drive limit."

And she got angry at me.

Told me off.

She called me immature.

That is what stuck with me the most.

She called me immature.

The day of my dog's birthday party.

Immature.

Our whole relationship
was based on alcohol.

The first date we ever went
on it was fuelled by drink,

tipsiest date I've ever been on.

She was flirting with me in the most
tipsy, flirtatious way.

She did something called
the cherry stem trick.

She was eating from this bowl
of cherries on the first date,

got a cherry stem, put
in into her mouth and tied it

into a knot with her tongue.

It's got very sexual connotations.

Then she took things
one step further.

She put a whole

Kinder Egg in her mouth,
pulled out a fully assembled toy.

And now I'm trying to go the whole
year without alcohol as a fun

challenge and now I'm trying to,
like, jazz up sober

life in any way I can,
like now for instance when I have

tea in the mornings,
I have black tea and I have milk

in a separate shot glass
and I put my shot glass

inside the tea and knock it
over like a Jagerbomb.

It's the only way I can enjoy it.

You know, my parents tried
to cheer me up, took me to Alton

Towers to try and cheer me up.

I was still miserable there.

We had such a miserable time
at Alton Towers that after we'd been

on the log flume we bought a photo
of a different family's ride.

Thank you.

APPLAUSE

Well done, very good.

At the end of that round,
the points go to Sean McLoughlin.

APPLAUSE

Our next round is called
Picture of the Week.

I show the panel a topical image
and ask them to tell

me what is happening.

So, teams, what's going on here?

Is she just powering up

the Independ-atron 3000?

Is this the least
sexy scene in Ghost?

You know, say what you like about
Nicola Sturgeon, she really

takes her home brewing seriously.

But she's terrible at Hide and Seek.

I was behind there all along.

In a high vis jacket.

How did you not see me?

I think she's saying, "Oh,
it's incredible to be here.

"Referendum, referendum, referendum,
referendum, referendum."

They're going "Nicola,
can we talk about something else?"

"Certainly, what's interesting
is that this valve

moves independently."

Yes, it is...

It's on your head.

Did he go?

Has he gone?

He's gone.

No, you missed it!

Jesus Christ, I even
punched myself in the face.

This is a sub theme which is going
to be really irritating.

He's sensing something
about your body, though.

What?

My scent?

My musk?

That you're dying inside.

Oh, my sadness.

That's right, flies
are drawn to sadness.

Aren't flies drawn to shit?

OK.

I was trying to be poetic about it.

That was the comment
of a man who knows this show

is coming to an end.

Making my first and last appearance
on the show tonight.

Is she three-wheeling?

I've been Glenn Moore,
thank you very much.

Every time she turns the wheel,
Alex Salmond is stretched

a little bit further.

Is she saying wassup?

She's just trying to intimidate
Liz Truss by saying, "This

is what I made out of
the Smurf who crossed me".

Is she going, "She
who can turn and open

the valve shall become the Queen
of Independent Scotland"?

Does anyone have the
correct answer, please?

That is Nicola Sturgeon.

Absolutely right, thank
you very much, Hugh.

Very good.

APPLAUSE

Yes, this is Scotland's First
Minister Nicola Sturgeon,

who delivered the keynote speech
at the SNP conference this week.

What policy was at the
forefront of her speech?

Nicola Sturgeon wants
a referendum for independence.

We get it, it's not news.

It's like saying Dara likes space.

We know.

No, Dara told you he needs space.

Oh, right, different thing.

She said she wants to call
a referendum herself, doesn't she?

But Boris in one of his last things
as Prime Minister said

that that was illegal,
and he should know.

All that Liz Truss needs to do
is just for the next year make

England look as fun as possible,
so like every time a Scottish

person looks over she's
sort of like "Ok,

right now - ha-ha ha ha."

She's also very pissed off,
isn't she, that Liz Truss

hasn't called her?

Yeah.

Although I think possibly she has.

You know the call where she picked
up and went "hello" and then

there was just a very, very long...

Nothing, must have been...

Must have been.

No connection there.

Put the phone down.

Well, if she wanted someone
to give her a weak pound and then

not call her she'd probably have
stuck with Alex

Salmond, wouldn't she?

Also, how do we know that Liz Truss
hasn't tried to call her?

I mean all we know about Liz Truss
is that she's terrible at everything

so for all we know she's just stood
there holding her entire landline

up going "Scotland!"

And wondering why it isn't working.

Yeah.

She's got a banana
to her ear and still.

I'm trying everything over here.

Bashing the buttons.

Kwasi, you try it.

He's mashing the buttons as well.

Why does it not work?

It is embarrassing to be
ghosted by the least

popular person in the UK.

It's like if you were
deleted on Facebook

by Hot Woman in Your Area.

It's not news that Nicola Sturgeon
detests the Tories.

I don't really understand
why everyone's so upset

about it and so for balance, I mean,
this is the BBC and we should

have balance, I just want to say,
I also detest the Tories.

APPLAUSE

Good, even it out there.

Great stuff.

APPLAUSE

Oh, man.

Talk like that and we'll get this
show taken off the air.

In other news...

This is a great story.

Why was a man particularly
unhappy about a $70 charge

on his pay per view bills?

Well, this is because
apparently his dog...

Yes.

Accidentally downloaded
some pay-for porn.

Yep.

On his TV.

Well, you laugh.

It's very easily done.

Because when I was on tour, my
cockapoo downloaded Tinder and made

a profile for my husband.

Easy, that.

APPLAUSE

I happens, it happens.

They're a curious animal.

That's not actually the dog
in question, although it was

a situation similar to that.

The dog on the remote control
and managed to order 70 dollars'

worth of pornography.

And after a few minutes,
the man rang to complain.

It wasn't even the
dog's fault, was it?

He inadvertently went on a site
called Give the Dog a bone.

Or did it search ruff sex?

Do dogs just pull
the sex position style?

No, no, I mean it's all very well
to be tawdry about this,

the dog was just happy see people
who are let onto the bed.

"Look at those people,
they're allowed to go upstairs,

they're allowed to go upstairs.

I want to see more footage
of the people going upstairs".

Hey, that guy's wearing
a collar as well.

I find it so dumb when
people pay for porn.

I have never paid a penny
for porn in my life.

I've paid a lot of Bosnian mark,
but I've never paid a penny.

Well it's like why would you pay
for flowers when you can get them

free on a lamp post?

When you read the story,
like the implication of the coverage

is that the man...

Had a wank.

Well, ordered porn.

Yes.

Ordered the porn himself
and then blamed the dog.

And why would he even order porn?

If you've got a dog,
you just fuck that.

It's like you don't want to be
in the edit this week.

This is the one after which I'm
supposed to give points?

That was the joke?

I feel like, if that is the last.

It's a shame now we've got to do
Scenes We'd Like to See.

I would be very happy
for that to be the last joke

I ever tell on this show.

APPLAUSE

At the end of that round,
the joke that you are ending 17

years and 73 episodes and this
is how you would like to finish it?

Yeah, OK.

At the end of that round,
the points go to Sean, Jen and Ed!

APPLAUSE

Now we come to Scenes
We'd Like to See.

So, if everyone can make their way
over to the performance area.

I'll read out this week's
topics and then we'll see

what our panellists can
come up with.

Ok, here we go.

The first subject is things
you wouldn't hear on

a news programme.

Popular Irish comedian
Ed Byrne was today arrested

for...is that right, a dog?

Vladimir Putin has expressed his
sadness at the death of a former

colleague who died tomorrow
after falling

off a balcony.

I guess I'm just going to keep
rubbing it until he rolls

over and falls asleep.

Oh, you mean, what am I going to do
about the next election?

This is Huw Edwards
for Babestation at the

Labour Party conference.

So, the good news is, half
of the hostages have been released.

The bad news is, there
was only one hostage.

Bribery on Everest.

It's corruption
at the highest level.

There are allegations of doping
in junior sports teams.

I'm here with the under
11's captain now, Tom.

Tom, what do you think?

Has social media robbed
politics of its civility?

To discuss this now,
we have typical lefty remoaner twat

and a gammon-faced arsehole.

Animal news now, woof.

Well, joining me here in this field
is Peter who's an expert

in parachutes not opening.

Now, Peter, how did you get
into this profession?

And reports coming in,
oh apparently Mock the Week has been

cancelled because the BBC has been
taken hostage by a bunch

of miserable Tories who can't
take a fucking joke.

APPLAUSE

Are budget cuts
affecting ITV coverage?

Let's go over to our political world
education economic religious

technology correspondent.

And the hunt for the missing bikini
model is now over as police

say they have discovered a beach
body ready body on the beach.

I would like to apologise
for my earlier report

from outside the zoo.

I truly thought that MILF stood
for Monkey I'd Like to Film.

Fire at the scented candle factory.

This report does contain
de-stressing scenes.

ITV news will be back
after these messages.

I still love you, Susan!

And we're back.

Police are appealing for witnesses.

If anybody has any information
leading to the apprehension

of the perpetrators,
please call 0800

Snitches are bitches.

Ok, the next topic is - unlikely
lines from a children's book.

10% by Christmas?

We are absolutely fucked,
said the Borrowers.

"Oh, Tigger said Piglet.

"Why are you so bouncy?'
"It's Methamphetamine

and by the way I've
sold your telly".

"Somebody's been eating my
porridge, said Mummy Bear.

"Here, you can have mine, said
Daddy Bear "'I'm just eating this

blonde girl I found in the bedroom".

"'What big eyes you have, Grandma'.

"'Really?

Because I don't think
these drugs are working'.

He was off to present yet another TV
show in a new adventure

for Dara the Explarer.

APPLAUSE

As they stood drinking Bovril
in a rainy car park,

it felt like the end
was near for the Rail

Replacement Bus Children.

"Why do all the children laugh
at our old-fashioned

names?"

Dick said to Fanny, Vulva,
Titty and Scrotum the dog.

We're going on a bear Hunt
because Simon likes his men big,

hairy and in leather chaps.

The third little pig made his house
out of bricks and on the door he put

a picture of his penis and a little

sign saying "Blow this,
you hairy bag of shit."

The Famous Five were
in a lot of trouble

after a series of IRA bombings.

Sorry, the Guildford four,
the Guildford four were in trouble.

"'My name's Paddington'
said the bear.

"'I don't give a shit
who you are' said Suella.

"'You're going to Rwanda, mate'.

It's the fly.

Have you got it?

APPLAUSE

No one fucks with me.

And the baby fly said to Mummy Fly,
"But where's Daddy?"

APPLAUSE

"No, said Spot the dog.

"Don't let me go
to Ed Byrne's house.

He makes me do things".

"We are without the sorting hat
today" said Professor Snape.

So I'll be filling in.

So just stick your head
up my arse and i'll tell

you what house you're in.

You're a wizard, Harry.

Welcome to the KKK'.

And the Cat in the Hat said goodbye
to thing one and thing two

as the vet snipped them off and put
them in a bin.

You've gone dark in your
old age, haven't you?

Hey, is the bear with
the marmalade still

at the station?

Obviously not, it was
a live bear at the train

station, we killed it,
it's dead, alright?

"Damn" said Geppetto.

"If I'd known this would
happen, I would have made

a wooden prostitute".

At the end of that round the points
go to Sean, Jen and Ed!

APPLAUSE

And that's the end of the show.

This week's winners
are Angela Barnes, Hugh

This week's winners are Angela
Barnes, Hugh Dennis and Glenn Moore.

APPLAUSE

Commiserations to Ed Byrne,
Jen Brister and Sean Mcloughlin.

We were robbed.

Thank you for watching,
we'll be back next week

with the final Mock the Week ever.

I'm Dara O Briain.

Goodnight.