Mock the Week (2005–…): Season 21, Episode 3 - Episode #21.3 - full transcript

This programme contains
some strong language.

# Read about the things that happen
throughout the world

# But don't believe
in everything you see or hear

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read all about it

# News of the world
News of the world...#

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Read all about it,
read all about it

# News of the world
News of the world.#

Hello and welcome to the third
last Mock The Week.

I'm Dara O Briain.

Joining me this week are Rhys James,
Laura Lexx and Glenn Moore,



Angela Barnes, Hugh Dennis
and Ahir Shah.

CHEERING.

We start with a round tonight called
Picture of the Week.

I show the panel a topical image
and ask them to tell

me what is happening.

So, what's going on here?

Are they in a Freshers' Week intro
to economics lecture?

Is Kwasi Kwarteng saying,
why haven't they beamed us up,

they should have beamed us
up by now?

Put your seat belt on,
apparently this one's

called Nemesis Inferno.

He's probably going, Liz,
I know I should know,

but what is the pound again?

She's saying when you're
Prime Minister, you can get



a go on the armrest.

I think it's an old episode
of Star Trek where they drive

the Enterprise into the Sun.

Is this just a picture of the dart
board at the Bank of England?

This is a new male and female double
act designed to make us

appreciate Phil and Holly.

It gives off a huge, honey,
can we get past this?

I mean, she's an old college friend,
we just went for coffee.

She wants to get out of dancing
and move into economics.

I wasn't unfaithful,
I fucked the economy.

APPLAUSE.

Does anyone have the correct answer?

It's Kwasi Kwarteng
and Liz Truss at, I believe,

the Tory Party Conference.

Absolutely right.

Thank you very much.

Yes, this is Prime Minister Liz
Truss and Chancellor Kwasi Kwarteng

pictured at the Conservative Party
conference in Birmingham this week.

How did the conference go?

It went really well for Labour.

Labour are now 9,000 points ahead.

It's gone really well for me,
because I recently invested

all my money into a company that
makes graphs that go like that.

It's gone so badly I think
Netflix is going to make

a documentary about it.

Fyre Festival, Woodstock,
Tory Party Conference.

Did she actually use the words
I know how you feel,

which is desperately close to
I know now why you cry.

Which are the words the Terminator
says as being slowly lowered

into a vat of molten steel.

It ended on an uplifting note.

She said we have your back,
which is Tory for we own your spine.

I think the slogan is good,
Getting Britain Moving.

I think that's good,
I think that's accurate,

as long as they're talking
about bowels, because I found out

what my mortgage repayments
are going to be and I shit myself.

Liz Truss was voted
into power by the members

of the Conservative Party,
who are basically a bunch of batshit

Home Counties wing nuts
with an average age of ghost.

Listen, I'm sorry,
but the collective noun for Tory

members is a haunting.

It's like, far, far,
far fewer people voted for her to be

Prime Minister than will watch this
show, and this show is not popular

enough to stay on air.

Whoa!

No one is ever going
to hear you say that ever!

Thanks for coming on the
third last show, Ahir.

It's mad you can just sneak in.

You don't have to prove
you're a Tory by eating

a quiche or something.

Why aren't Labour there?

If you can just sneak in,
why aren't Labour there

heckling the whole time?

Why isn't Keir Starmer
in the back holding up a banner

with the current poll on it going,
Lizzie, what's the score?

You think the Tory conference
would have an away end?

Yes!

You're not winning
elections any more!

Or should he be in the middle, no,
I am not Keir Starmer,

I'm a visiting French dignitary
Le Keir.

You say that like the most
unrecognisable man

on the planet needs a disguise.

Which policy U-turn did
the government make

early in the conference?

45p, wasn't it, top tax rate.

And Hugh, I'm very sorry about that.

That's absolutely fine.

Are you going to make a lot
of wealth, are you planning to do

a bit of trickling down?

That's just age, and I've
been to the doctors.

I love a U-turn.

It's like a plot twist in real
life, it's really fun.

The Tories are like
M Night Shyamalan.

Like, he's so good at twists
that the M stands for Bernard.

People are already calling
for her to go, right,

I don't want that to happen
at all because we all thought

that it couldn't get
any worse after Boris,

and then it got worse instantly
in the first week.

I don't want to see what part three
of this horrible trilogy is.

The only way it could be more
destructive is if the next

Prime Minister is a pigeon trapped
in your kitchen.

She's considered so untrustworthy
that news is going to have to start

dubbing her voice over with
Gerry Adams.

She's refused to rule out
any further U-turns.

She said there could
be further U-turns.

And I'm on board with that, OK,
I think I've got a few suggestions

actually if she wants to do some
U-turns.

First, bring back Orange Wednesdays.

What were you thinking
getting rid of that?

Two for one cinema tickets
and free dough balls,

that's when this country
peaked, all right.

Increase the speed limit
outside private schools.

They say no drinking
on the tube - no.

I say mandatory
drinking on the tube.

Spice up that morning commute.

Final U-turn, bring
back Mock The Week.

Yeah.

I think we'll almost certainly
going to go to GB News.

Liz Truss just said
she was against the anti-growth

coalition and just listed things
she didn't like.

And I was quite keen
on her just carrying on,

like wet chips, anti-growth.

That little film that you get
on top of a cup of tea

sometimes, anti-growth.

The film version
of Dune, anti-growth.

Damp sleeves, that's
the worst thing in the world.

I don't mean the joke,
I mean the sleeves.

How often...

If you've got a big jumper
and your sleeves get wet, come on.

Is that not disgusting?

Why is your sleeve wet, Glenn?

When I've been washing my hands,
like a sensible person.

A sensible person doesn't
get their whole arm

underneath the tap.

Be gone, Covid!

I do love the idea that if she had
just said damp sleeves,

she gets one more vote.

Moving on, what crisis
continues to engulf the UK?

The Conservatives?

It's the cost of living.

Otherwise known as
inflation, I believe.

People are full of tips.

Cost of living crisis,
what you need to do...

If one more person tells me
to by a fucking air fryer...

And they're really expensive,
in a cost of living crisis don't

tell people to buy something
that's really expensive.

What are you going to tell me next?

In order to heat your house,
why not buy a Maldive?

I've fully turned into my dad
with all of this, I'm doing

all the things I criticise him for,
refusing to turn the heating

on until it's December,
banging on about Thatcher

all of a sudden.

I'm embezzling.

What is the new product that
has spiked in price?

Milk?

Yes, dairy products.

Now who looks stupid
for still being breast-fed?

Yeah, but by random women...

I flew to Ireland at the weekend
and it is weird seeing milk

and butter in the duty-free section.

How are some leisure
centres reducing costs?

They're going to turn down
the heat of swimming pools.

Yes, they are.

It will make swimming more expensive
because now you've got

to pay for admission,
a locker, a wet suit

and a defibrillator.

Hugh, don't get a wet suit, there's
nothing worse than wet suits.

I don't know how relatable
it was to say they were shutting

their Jacuzzis down.

Oh, no, there'll be no verruca soup!

I love a Jacuzzi
in a leisure centre.

It's brilliant but it's not
brilliant when they turn it off,

because then you're just
in a bath with strangers.

I just assumed that
local pools were heated

exclusively by toddler piss.

In areas.

You still get a little rush of,
that's nice and warm.

Oh, no...

Hot tubs are very expensive to heat
as well, and the hot tub is one

of those things I think it's
a really great idea in your head,

and then you get in a hot tub
and after five minutes you're like,

I'm bored and my tits are cold.

Because they float,
they don't warm up.

It's a bit like those
things that are good

in your head in theory,
like group sex.

It's good in theory but in reality
I'm just worried that

I won't get picked.

I don't have a huge amount
of experience of group sex

but I don't think they line people
up and go, yeah,

I'll have that one...

It's football teams at school.

I'll take the big centre back.

You're a dorky kid in glasses going,
I never get picked for the sex.

OK, you can go in goals for the sex.

Don't have a huge amount
of experience, I recognise

you under the mask.

That's because I gave a nod.

Points to Rhys, I'll say.

Meanwhile, what good news has
the Labour Party had this week?

The Tory Party Conference.

The entire Tory Party Conference.

They have a huge poll
lead over the Tories,

but the next general election
is ages away, so it's nice to know

and it's interesting to know,
but it's not useful.

It's like when I found out
that Margot Robbie's

an anagram of Robert Mugabe.

It's good to know, can't
do anything with it.

I'd love it if Keir Starmer does win
the next general election

and he comes out in front of Number
10 and the first thing he says was,

"I did have a curry that night
and it was bloody lovely".

And then goes, "And I'm abolishing
the 45 degree tax rate!"

And that was a mathematician,
a 45 degree...

The one that goes like
that, that tax rate.

Shut it.

It's not a thing.

You won't make
the last two episodes.

The thing is, right,
he's so obviously going to mess

this up, isn't he, Starmer?

Labour just don't win.

He could have a 1000-point lead
and the week before the election,

and he'd do something
to make everyone hate him.

He'd somehow give a fatal dose
of chickenpox to David Attenborough.

Why might the shadow
minister Emily Thornberry

have regretted rushing
to the Labour Party conference?

She posted on Instagram
that she was speeding, didn't she?

Her mate took a photograph
of her in the car that managed

to include a picture of Thornberry
driving on a motorway

and the speedometer,
which said 81 mph.

I felt so bad for her.

I know.

The whole room,
trying to be outraged.

"Oh, 81!

"Oh!

"The vapours!

"That's four miles over
the kind of limit".

A lot of people don't know this.

It seems spooky, but Emily
Thornberry is nearly

an anagram of Lewis Hamilton.

At the end of that round,
the points go to Laura and Rhys!

Now we play a round called
"Please don't hesitate to get

"in touch with my agent for any
future opportunities".

This game involves Angela and Glenn,
so if you could make your way

to the performance area, please.

This round is a stand-up challenge.

I spin the wheel of news
and wherever it stops,

our performers must step up and talk
about that subject.

Our first topic,
please, spin the wheel.

The first topic is technology.

Angela.

I embrace new technology, I do.

I think it's brilliant.

I'm proud of the way we've
all taken on new technology

in the last few years.

Who three years ago
knew what Zoom was?

None of us did.

A couple of weeks ago,
I had to do an online

speed awareness course.

You shouldn't be doing that
on something called Zoom,

but that's the world we live in.

And I appreciate it because you get
to an age where you start to get

scared of new technology.

It happened to me.

I'm 45.

All right, I gave you a moment for
a gasp of surprise, fuck you all.

And I noticed - about three years
ago, I bought a tumble dryer.

That's not the thing that scared me,
but when it was delivered

to my house, I saw this tumble
dryer was wi-fi enabled.

And three years on,
I've got no idea why.

Is drying clothes boring,
does it want to watch Netflix?

All it's done is make me paranoid
that the Russians are going to hack

it and I think they already have,
because the other day

I took my laundry out
and all the little socks

were inside one big one.

So, you know.

I just think I'm not going to be
scared of new technology.

It is brilliant.

I've got a phone that
can recognise my face.

That already makes it better
than my nan, come on!

I blame Hollywood.

For decades, Hollywood has told us,
be afraid of new technology,

the robots are coming.

It's the rise of the robots,
they're going to wipe out humanity.

Be afraid of AI.

I'm not scared of robots,
you shouldn't be scared of robots,

and I'll tell you why,
because they haven't even worked out

how to tick a box that
says "I am not a robot".

That leaves us with Glenn.

Let's see what your topic is.

Let's spin the wheel.

It's relationships.

Not what I think when I
think relationships.

Um, so I proposed to my
girlfriend a few months ago.

She's going to keep her surname,
mainly because she

rejected my proposal.

Yeah, we broke up over it.

It was horrible, because it's
horrible when you live with someone,

you break up and one of you has got
to move out and suddenly you have

this whole empty bed to yourself,
you look at that side of the bed

that both of you used to share
in their half is permanently empty.

that both of you used to share
and their half is permanently empty.

Even to this day, I still stare
at that top bunk and I miss her.

You might be thinking,
"It's not cool sleeping

in bunk beds as a couple.

That's the least cool
thing you can do".

Incorrect.

It is the coolest thing you can
ever do with your life.

You get to have sex with someone,
then depart via a ladder.

Yes, please.

We went on a date.

I was so nervous because there
are so many things you'ave

I was so nervous because there
are so many things you have

got to worry about.

How was I going to
dress to impress her?

What was I going to wear?

Do I wear my glasses
or my contact lenses?

Do I compromise, one
contact lens and a monocle?

Done it before.

I got so excited before the date
that I bought stuff to wear

for the date and I got so excited
when I bought the stuff that

I wore it out of the shop.

I've never done that before
in my life, and you get weird

looks when you do it.

Why?

I've bought those things,
they belong to me.

They're my condoms, I can do
whatever I want, OK?

We had a wonderful time
together, a wonderful date.

We had fun, free-flowing
first date conversation,

asking each other the usual
questions - where was your first

kiss, who's your biggest celebrity
crush, which three of these images

contains a fire hydrant?

Good security questions.

And it eventually became apparent
that the date was going to go one

step further and I was terrified
about that, not because I wasn't

ready to have sex -
I was thinking "Of course I'm ready

to have sex, that prophylactic has
been on since I left Matalan" -

but that I would ruin the date.

Not to do myself down sexually,
but I've always worried that sex

with me is a lot like Radio 4
comedy, you know, in

that it is grossly unappealing
to anyone remotely my age,

and just a minute.

But we had a great time.

I won't go into the details of it.
We slept together.

We did our favourite position,
her on top and me on top,

it's how bunk beds work.

Thank you very much, very good!
Come and sit down.

Our next round is called

If This Is The Answer,
What Is The Question?

On the board are six categories.

Laura, which category
would you like?

Let's go for world news, please.

World news it is.

The answer is almost 100%.

What is the question?

Is it, between now and a general
election, how much of a 33-point

lead can Labour lose?

Is it, how much of me
leaves the hairdresser?

Is it, how many of all
the Mock The Week shows ever

have we now recorded?

Is it what percentage
of rats can't cook?

Is it, what are the marks on a maths
exam that will lead to an Indian

father disowning you?

Is it, what are the chances that
that voice you recognise

on the advert is Hugh Dennis?

And why not?

in my "Peter Jones is a wanker"
T-shirt?

Is it, for maximum hurt feelings,
how much should be in before

you say, "Is it in yet"?

Is it, what are the chances
of Dara suddenly deciding

to launch a podcast
in a few weeks' time?

APPLAUSE.

Is it, what would be
the Rotten Tomatoes score

of my new Iranian Jane Austen
adaptation, Do You Speak

Farsi, Mr Darcy?

How confident is Ed Sheeran
that he independently came up

with his next single,
We All live in A Blellow Submarine?

Is it, when I try to wash
a chopping board in the sink,

how much of my kitchen will get wet?

Is it, how much of a porn
video do I not watch?

OK.
The correct answer is...

How many people in my school found
it funny when someone started

a rumour that I wear a nightie?

It is, I think, what percentage
of the population in the four

regions annexed by Russia voted
to become part of Russia?

Absolutely right,
thank you very much.

That is correct.

Although obviously, it was meant
much more sarcastically

than Hugh delivered it.

The question I was looking for was,
how many people in the four Russian

occupied regions of Ukraine
were apparently in favour

of becoming part of Russia?

This is news of a series
of sham referenda.

Russia has declared annexation
of an area of Ukraine

the size of Portugal,
a move that has been

condemned by the West.

So, 100%.

If you're going to declare
a result, go 52-48.

I miss the days when annexing just
meant putting your mother-in-law

in a futon in the garage.

That's the thing, the language
of it is so cleaned up.

Speaking as a citizen of a country
that has done its fair

share of annexing...

Laura, has Britain taken over
territory elsewhere before?

Um...
Not that I learned about at school.

The move has prompted
fears of escalation.

Or the nuclear train.

The nuclear train heading
to the border and obviously,

the West want to stop that.

I reckon Mick Lynch
could sort that out.

This is why we will never be one
of the big evil countries any more,

is it, because "nuclear train"
sounds menacing, whereas "nuclear

bus replacement service,
not quite so much.

So there's going
to be a nuclear war?

Why did we spend so long talking
about mortgage rates?

This is like worrying
about the what the food

is going to be like at your wake.

On a lighter note, this
is where we've clearly decided

imminent nuclear war.
There is mobilisation.

I don't think it means
we are definitely...

To reassure people, we don't have
information you don't.

But if you're watching
this on Dave...

If you're watching this
on Dave, have you got

enough food in the bunker?

Do not leave the bunker.

Dave does have the news.

They have a news service on Dave
and I was watching recently.

Have you heard about
this Covid thing?

Meanwhile, to add to it all,
how did Elon Musk spark an online

row with Ukraine's president?

He suggested a peace plan.

He did a Twitter poll
but unfortunately, the peace plan

involves Russia getting Crimea.

Yes, he did a Twitter poll
which infuriated Ukrainians.

And their outgoing ambassador
to Germany Andriy Melnyk

sent this response.

The word is "fuck", by the way.

One of his aides must have been
like, "Your account has been

hacked" and he was like,
"No".

I personally am choosing not
to criticise a man who has just

built an army of robots.

Is Robot Wars another of your shows
that has been cancelled?

Yes.

Part of my portfolio
of cancelled shows.

I sit at home watching
endlessly going,

"Oh, it's the TV that got small.
I'm ready for my close-up.

Oh, not that close".

If you get one more show cancelled,
they're going to have

to rename Dave, Dara.

Personally, Dara, I wouldn't worry.

The Daily Mirror are still having
a go at me for having

lost The Mash Report.

In other news, how are French
government ministers dealing

with the cost of living crisis?

Stylishly.

They're totally styling it out.

They're all wearing jumpers,
but the thing is, that's all very

nice if you're French.

If you're Emmanuel Macron
in a turtleneck, you're

going to look hot, whereas a Tory
in a turtleneck is Gyles Brandreth.

"Look at me, I am
dealing with ze crisis".

They've all turned up their
turtlenecks and scarves, though,

because in French politics,
the public are not happy,

protect the neck.

I am a keen crocheter and knitter,
so I've been knitting blankets

and stuff for this winter
because a lot of my family

have older people.

But one thing I have started
making is knitted bras.

They're very good...

I'm going to sell them on Etsy.

How cold are you?

In my hot tub, I need knitted bras
and I'm going to sell them on Etsy

and they're going to sell
like hot cakes.

I have two names, either a Bra-digan
or A Pair Of Tittens.

If the bra goes into the water,
will you not then be dragged down

by the weight of a wet woollen bra
dragging you under the water?

Stop it, Dara, you're turning me on.

People will be like,
"She drowned in a hot tub

because her woollen bra
pulled her under and she couldn't

get up again and then
the sleeves got really wet".

"The worst thing was,
Rhys was feeding at the time".

Now we come to
Scenes We'd Like To See.

If everyone can make our way over
to the performance area.

I'll read out this week's topics
and then we will see

what our panellists can
come up with.

Here we go.

The first subject is "Unlikely
things to say at a job interview".

It says here it's been 17
years since you were last

here at this jobcentre,
Dara.

Ooh, I would have to say
shagging twin brothers.

Oh, you mean workplace achievement.

Sorry, I don't think you understand.
We have got a job in accounts.

"What do you mean?

I thought you had
a job for a count!"

Oh, I don't believe this.
It's you!

You won't know, but I swiped
left on you last night.

My biggest weakness -
probably misreading social cues.

How did I hear about the job
here at Yahoo search?

I would rather not say.

IN COCKNEY ACCENT: No,
I prefer talking like this

and that is why I'm applying
for the job of taxi driver.

This gap in my CV?

I just got this really
cool new hole punch.

Why do I want to work
in customer service?

Your query is very important to me.

It's just the rise of big tech,
isn't it, technology

taking all our jobs.

What did I do before this?

I used to stand outside car
dealerships going like this.

Well, I'm a team player
who gets on with...

Shut up, I'm talking!

You're saying it's disgusting now,
but what did you think

a golden handshake was?

Where do I see myself in five years?

Well, still here if
you keep banging on.

Sorry I'm late, I was
just robbing your house

because I knew you were out.

Biggest weakness?

I'm a bit of a grammar Nazi,
and also just a regular Nazi.

What qualifies me for the role
of town crier, I hear ye say?

The next topic is...

"Things that would change
the mood in the bedroom".

Bees.

That's quite the damp
sleeve you have there,

if you know what I mean.

Alexa, play Angela's
Ashes audiobook.

We're just one of those families
who do everything together.

Do you mind if we put
Mock The Week on while we do it?

No, it's just that when you said
you're an animal in bed,

I didn't think you meant panda.

Are you horny?
No?

OK.
Are you wearing glasses?

I hope you don't mind
if Jack sits in.

He's shadowing me this week.

I recently got a penis enlargement,
or erection, as some people call it.

That's it.
Put your finger on it.

And now switch it back
to Match Of The Day.

Hey, girl, are you the
Edinburgh Comedy Awards?

Because I would like to enter
you repeatedly without much success.

Oh, yeah, that's right,
touch it, flick it, pull it!

Quick, before your
son Rhys gets back.

Shall I put my Michael Gove mask on?

The name is Glenn, and you will be
screaming for more,

because I what I give
you will not be enough.

Down a bit.
Down a bit.

Down a bit more, and that's how
you draw a graph of the UK economy.

"I vant to suck your dick".

I saw that guy at a job
interview recently.

Do you want to see my sexy body?

Well, come with me,
it's in the freezer.

They were out of whipped
cream but I did get milk,

so we're just going to have
to be vigorous.

And where is the milk
from, specifically?

You must work out a lot,
because you fucking stink.

At the end of that round, the points
go to Glenn, Laura and Rhys!

That's the end of the show.

This week's winners are Rhys James,
Laura Lexx and Glenn Moore.

Commiserations to Angela,
Jen and Tahir Shah.

Thank you for watching.

Two more to go.

I'm Dara O Briain.

Good night.