Mock the Week (2005–…): Season 21, Episode 1 - Episode #21.1 - full transcript

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some strong language

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CHEERING

Hello and welcome to Mock the Week.

I'm Dara O'Briain on this, the first
episode of the final series of Mock

the Week.

Yes.

AUDIENCE: Aww!

You are the worst panto crowd
I have ever worked with.



OK, joining me on the stage
are Ria Lina, Josh Pugh

and Rhys James, Angela

Barnes, Hugh Dennis
and Alasdair Beckett-King.

CHEERING

We start today
with a round called

If This is the Answer,
What is the Question?

On the board are six categories.

Josh, which category would you like?

Home news.

OK, your topic is home news.

If the answer is 73,
what is the question?

Is it what's the combined
age of Leonardo

DiCaprio's last four girlfriends?

LAUGHTER



Is it now Mock
the Week is ending,

until what age will I have
to keep up my paper round?

Is it now that we're in our 40s,
what position did my

husband and I end up
in when we tried to do a 69?

LAUGHTER

Is it how
many people signed the

petition to save Mock the Week?

LAUGHTER

Is it due to
rising energy costs for

the elderly what will soon be
the average age of a creator on Only

Fans?

CHEERING

Is it how many
pens has King Charles

got through this week?

Is it at what number
did my charity single Bitches

Be Pimping enter the UK charts?

Is it I am a time travelling folk
singer from the year 19 what?

LAUGHTER

Is it in what
year was Jesus 73?

LAUGHTER

How many days
wait for an ambulance?

Ooh!

It's satire.

You can't just do a dry
comment on news and say

it's satire.

That's not a technique.

We can't be doing that.

Is this the number of
pictures of Brian Cox that

Dara has in his wallet?

Why do people insist on making my
relationship with Brian Cox

homoerotic?

I have no idea why
people always do that.

Anyway.

Because you react like that
and go a bit pink in

the cheeks.

Does anyone have the correct answer?

Is it how many Russian
businessmen fall off a

balcony in an average week?

How many marmalade
sandwiches did I eat off

of a pavement last week?

Do you have the correct answer?

Yeah, clearly.

I think it's going
to be something as

simple as how old is King Charles?

That's absolutely right.

Thank you very much.

Yes.

The correct answer was what age
was the new monarch

when he ascended the throne?

This is the news that
following the sad

events of the last couple of weeks,
Prince Charles became king and is

the oldest monarch in British
history as they begin their reign.

His name is now, as we know,
formally King Prince Charles.

And he should be
referred to that at all

times.

I was kind of annoyed when they cast
Charles because I really

thought it was Idris
Elba's year, you know?

I think we're ready
for a hot black king.

Come on!

I can't be the only one.

The character was written
as white, why are they

changing the colour
of the character?

To look like the mermaid.

He flew to Balmoral and then
he toured 1900 miles, didn't he?

Starting in Scotland,
which makes me think

he might be a Proclaimer.

It was crazy as well how much he...

You know, he went Scotland, England,
Scotland, Northern Ireland, London,

Gloucestershire, Wales, London.

I mean, it must have
taken him forever

because now he's king and he can
only move one square at a time.

He's been on telly
all week, travelling

around, all because of his mum.

Who does he think he is, Romesh?

LAUGHTER

But it is, you know...

As I pointed out in
Mock the Week 2005, I

believe, he is calling himself
Charles III because on postboxes

they always print the name
of the monarch and he

wants it to go C-3-P-O.

CHEERING

What is his first duty?

Is it the Royal warrant?

No, the first duty that he has
is to shore up the union

by reclaiming the Center Parcs.

They were claiming
independence on Monday.

They said that closing them
was a mark of respect, didn't

they, and I think more
of a mark of respect

probably to both English
and

to the Queen would be to spell both
centre and parks correctly.

How many people queued
to pay their respects to the

late Queen while she
was lying in state?

250,000 people.

Really?

Although I do have a strange feeling
that some of them, when they got to

the end of the queue,
having queued for 12 hours, went,

so where is this new iPhone then?

People got obsessed
with the queue, didn't they?

It was on the news
all the time, all that

bird's eye footage of the queue.

Every time I looked at the telly,
I thought EastEnders had started

early.

I queued.

It was a very emotional
moment to go there and pay

my respects.

I thought it was a bit
disrespectful that they tried to

sell me that picture of me bowing
on a mouse mat as I left.

I bought six key rings.

That's not the point.

Did people discuss maybe
going and looking at the queue?

You could go and look at the queue
and then I thought no,

I'll wait for season seven

of the Crown and just catch up then.

I went to look...

After I had finished my
queueing, I went to look

at the queue and then
someone stood behind me

to look at the queue
and

then someone stood behind them and,
you know, there was a separate

breakaway queue.

It is a bit ironic how angry
people were about people

Holly and Phil jumping the queue,
all of these royalists angry that

a couple of people had been given
privileges

for no apparent reason.

CHEERING

I don't like
to blame women, but I

don't think Gordon the Gopher
would have let this happen.

You think Gordon
the Gopher would have

silently...

Did he squeak or was he silent?

Would he have just placed his little
paw on Philip's hand and

gone...?

This whole week has
been so momentous.

I was on a train, actually,
when I heard the news

about Her Majesty and
the only thing I could...

I had a similar thing
before when Michael

Jackson died.

I will never forget where I heard
the news that Michael

Jackson died.

It was Glastonbury Festival,
2018, which was a full

nine years after his death.

I was more tuned in this time.

How were the world leaders
asked to travel to

the funeral?

They came on a bus.

They did, didn't they?

They did come on a bus.

They came on a bus
from the Royal Hospital.

They came from Chelsea
and they had to get out of

the cars and get on a bus.

Biden didn't get a bus, did he?

No.

At first they said...

I read that Biden was allowed
to drive there with The

Beast, and I thought, Christ,
how much does he like The Chase?

Then I realised that's
the name of his vehicle.

OK, rather than his plus one.

But I think that is because,
as you say, they had to catch

the bus, as it were,
at the Royal Hospital,

which is like a home for army
veterans and of course you couldn't

let Biden get out there, could you?

He would never be allowed out.

"I'm the leader of the free world!"

"Of course you are, dear.

Come on, let's get you in bed."

It's a shame, because Biden
is one of the only

ones that can ride the bus for free.

I think they were lucky
because the last thing

you want on a bus is
an

elderly American tourist getting on.

14 minute conversation
with the driver - we're

going to Ly-cester Square?

Yes.

Constantly saying "Is
that Tower Bridge?"

"No, it's Battersea.

Can you sit back down again?"

Somebody described it as having
school trip energy, didn't

they?

And I just want to know which world
leader had to sit behind the

driver with a bucket.

I bet all the cool countries
like Australia sat at

the back throwing shit at all those
nerd countries like Denmark.

Surely that's got to
be the most nervous

bus driver in the world.

You've got 30 world
leaders on there.

He was probably
bringing someone to a

hockey match the day before.

The following day, he's like...

Oh!

Macron behaved superbly at that.

People were genuinely
stunned by the warmth

coming from France,
but it was a total French funeral

baller move to turn up

and go, "You weren't expecting this,
but I loved her and she loved me."

APPLAUSE

What were people asked not to do in

London's Green Park?

Marmalade sandwiches
if they're not in plastic

bags.

In a plastic bag, yeah.

So take it out of a
plastic bag and then

leave it for the wildlife.

Because there's nothing
like it to attract

an army of rats to the park
nearest Buckingham Palace.

If we could possibly do that.

If we could leave out food
like the Piped Piper of

Hamlet and call all of the rats
of London into one park.

This Paddington Bear
thing with the Queen.

That's a relatively
new thing, isn't it?

Because it's just from the...

The Jubilee.

The sketch.

It's not like they've
had this long sort

of history together,
the Queen

and Paddington.

It's a bit like remembering
Robert De Niro just for

the Warburton's advert.

Every public figure
from now on will have

one.

David Attenborough gets
Sonic the Hedgehog.

Well, naturally, of course
he would get Sonic the

Hedgehog.

Piers Morgan will be
dragged to hell by Sooty.

Thing is, I get leaving
the Paddingtons because

obviously she did this get with him.

But marmalade sandwiches
are what he likes.

It's not necessarily what she liked.

I mean, I would be pretty pissed off
if I died and they just

left all stuff that someone
I do comedy with likes.

Like, my grave is covered in...

I don't know, telescopes
and potatoes.

OK.

In that round, the points go
to Ria, Josh and Rhys!

CHEERING

Now we play a round called...

There's Only a Few More
of These to do and I

Couldn't Give a Shit Any More.

This game involves Alasdair and
Josh, so if you could make your way

to the performance area, please?

This round is a stand-up challenge.

I launch a wheel of news and when it
stops, one of the performers must

step forward and talk
about that subject.

Our first topic, please.

OK, somebody says politics.

Josh.

Hello.

You may have noticed
already from my performance

on the show, I am not
a political comedian.

I am not a political person at all.

My friend said to me recently,
"Josh, what would you do if

you were Prime Minister
for the day?"

I was like, "Prime Minister
for the day - probably not a lot.

"Not much I can do in a day.

"I would probably get there,
get my login sorted for the

"computer, have lunch, last day,
maybe get an early finish if I can."

I do love the first day
in a new job, though.

It is one of my favourite days.

My advice is if you're
starting a new job, day one,

have a question ready
to go because they're

always going to say,
any

questions?

Question is always, day one,
what is the whistle-blowing

policy?

I'm not going to have a go at any
politicians, but all I will

say is some things recently have
been mishandled by certain

individuals.

That's all I'm going to say.

Certain individuals.

I love it when people use
that phrase, certain

individuals.

It's never anything good, is it,
it is never anything

positive, certain individuals.

It's never, "Thanks
to certain individuals,

we have raised £10,000
for Cancer Research."

It is never that, is it?

"Due to certain individuals,
this Laser Quest will not be serving

"alcohol."

I've looked into some stuff,
and I have got to tell you,

Putin, not my cup of tea.

I don't like that guy's vibe at all.

I'm going to use the word toxic, OK?

I saw a graphic recently,
showed a map of

the UK, and it showed
that if Putin dropped

a bomb on London that
the

blast would reach up as far
as the Midlands, where I live,

and I saw that and I was like,
we've got to do

something.

Because I am not taking
in Cockney refugees.

I have got a spare room.

If a Ukrainian family need it,
you're welcome to it.

I am not having some prick
from Shoreditch moving in with me.

Telling me I'm making coffee wrong.

I'm not having it.

Grown men skateboarding
across the border.

It stops now.

Hopefully it doesn't come to that.

I could never be in the army.

I would be rubbish in the army.

Couldn't even be
in the Army reserves.

Whatever they do.

Army reserves, I think
they fight against the smaller

nations midweek.

I think that's what they do.

Well done, Josh.

That leaves us with Alasdair.

Let's see what your topic is.

Spin the wheel.

Topic is growing up.

Sea levels have been rising
for my entire life, but

for the first 16 years,
I was getting taller,

so I didn't notice.

It seemed a similar distance away.

My first job was working by the sea.

I worked on a pier on a ride called
The Ride Of Your Life.

And we called it that because every
year someone died.

LAUGHTER

That was just the price
of fun in those days.

Every year someone would be wounded
or flung into the surf.

It's like, "What do
you want us to do?

Close the ride?"

LAUGHTER

It's a large
piece of machinery that

spins human beings around and around
and around operated and maintained

by bored teenagers.

LAUGHTER

Every so often
someone's going to whizz off.

LAUGHTER

To be fair,
it was mostly older people

on the pier,
and old ladies

really like me.

Like, a lot.

You know those early
Beatles films where

they're being chased through
the streets by teenage girls?

Well, it's those girls' mums now.

LAUGHTER

That's my demographic.

And it's the hair that
attracts them, I think.

They approach me, they always say
the same thing, they go "Oh, wasted

on a boy."

LAUGHTER

And they follow up with
a question, "Do you mind

if I ask, is it natural?"

And I say, "No, I was cursed
by a travelling peddler."

LAUGHTER

To wander the Earth never
knowing rest for 500 years.

And they hate that.

LAUGHTER

Thank you very much,
Alasdair, very good.

At the end of that round
the points go to Josh Pugh.

Well done.
Come on back.

APPLAUSE

Now we play a round called
Picture Of The Week.

I show the panel a topical image
and ask them to tell

me what's happening.

So, teams, what's going on here?

It's a machine for
spraying menu everywhere.

It's a machine for spraying
manure everywhere.

LAUGHTER

Now at least
we know what Theresa May

was running from in that
field of wheat.

LAUGHTER

Is this what happens when
you order an Uber in Shropshire?

LAUGHTER

This is a lot better
than the last Prime Minister

who offered to spread
their seed.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Is she saying
in this country we import two thirds

of our ill-fitting jackets?

That is a disgrace.

LAUGHTER

I mean, it's a weird vehicle to take
to a funeral but you've got

to admire her confidence.

LAUGHTER

My expression really
says, "My daddy said

said I could drive it
when I'm older."

LAUGHTER

Is this what happens
when you Google search

"middle-aged woman ploughed?"

LAUGHTER

Is this just a picture
of the world's lamest sundial?

LAUGHTER

She's saying, "No, I said I'd
face my detractors."

LAUGHTER

Is it Super Vet: Euthanasia Special?

LAUGHTER

Is this Boris
on RuPaul's Drag Race?

LAUGHTER

Does anyone have the correct answer?

Yes, it's Liz Truss
in front of a tractor.

Thank you very much, Hugh.

APPLAUSE

Yes, of course,
this is Liz Truss who became

the UK's new Prime Minister
after defeating Rishi Sunak in the

Conservative Party
leadership contest.

What are the biggest issues facing
the new government, then?

Well, they've got Liz Truss
at the head of them,

that would be the main one.

You feel like if Liz Truss can be
Prime Minister anyone can do it,

you could win the UFC,
I could win Rear of The Year,

anything is possible.

People have a go at her
because she's like wooden

especially when she did the speech
at the funeral, people say,

"Oh, she's really wooden."

I go, yeah, there's 50
million people watching.

If 50 million people were watching
this, I'd be pretty wooden.

I'd be going, "73, age of the King,
age of the King, sorry.

Sorry, Chef, Mum, Dara, fuck!"

We've got people crying out
for help with their heating

bills and they're like "Yeah,
that's right, we're going to do it.

"We're getting rid
of the sugar tax."

And we're like, "Yes!"

"The hated Sugar Tax is gone!"

Finally.
"Finally!"

Orphans running up
to me in the street,

"Is it today?"

"Nearly orphans," I tell them.
"Nearly!"

"The sugar tax will be no more."

"The sugar tax will be no more."

Truss will do it,
I think it's wonderful.

I think that's 4D
chess from Truss, OK?

Get rid of the Sugar Tax,
we all put on a layer of fat,

we don't even need heating.

If anyone is worried about money
though, I've got loads

of money-saving tips, OK,
for this crisis, this financial

crisis, we're about to be
in a recession and stuff.

First of all, swap
the expensive free-range eggs

in the supermarket into
the cheap egg box.

The barcode's on the box.

Literally no victims.
Yeah.

Secondly, instead of paying for WIFI
in your house just work

on a tube platform all day.

Right, buy yourself
a raffle book, right,

and then go into the cloakroom
at a nightclub.

Free coat.

Share bath water with pasta.

How do you know when
you're done in the bath?

You throw yourself against the wall.

Beautiful.

APPLAUSE

OK, in lighter news,
what's going on here?

Jesus.

We've got a new king.

Do you think he is looking
to sign the online

petition to save Mock The Week?

APPLAUSE

No, because he's seen
it he's going...

RUSSIAN ACCENT: How do I delete
signature on petition?

He wasn't invited
to the funeral, was he?

He wasn't.

This is him checking,
checking his email yet again.

RUSSIAN ACCENT: Vlodimir,
have a look in junk folder,

it may have gone by accident.

I think he actually was invited
but they would have

had him sitting on the war criminals
table and he didn't want

to talk to Tony Blair.

APPLAUSE

Hugh, Hugh.

Satire.

It's a bit, that these threats
this week hasn't it,

he's really sort of "I'm not
bluffing, I'm going to..."

You know
literally talking about nuclear

weapons and the West.

And you go, he's not
going to nuke London, is he?

Because loads of Russian
money is still in London.

That would be like a loan shark
nuking a council estate.

See, we can make these jokes
because we're off air in four weeks.

So we don't have to continue doing
this show in a post-nuclear

holocaust landscape.

It is exciting, I mean,
I'm not like an expert poker player,

but I don't believe when you're
bluffing, you say

"I'm not bluffing."

I can see him getting caught up
in the security questions

like, "What is mother's
maiden name?"

"Do you know what happened
to the last journalist to ask

that question?"

Which is funny because actually
they did die, in real life.

Oh, Jesus, man.

OK.

Google it.

Satire.

APPLAUSE

If you zoom in actually
on that pop-up, it just

says, "You have performed
an illegal operation."

It's very difficult,
though, isn't it to be...?

I mean, it is a very scary
situation, but it's very,

you know, it's difficult
to be scared of a man

who poses for a photo
like that which looks like it

should say underneath,

"In Russia, our small
business advisor will be

with you every step of the way."

It looks like a, just
like a search engine home page

which is always the biggest tell
that someone who has rapidly

clicked off some porn.

"I was just looking
at general internet.

"Just internet."

I reckon he's just been on Twitter
and he's just going

"Wow, some very unsavoury things."

"That's why you don't
search your own name.

"Whatever happened to #bekind?"

If you look closely,
you can see Clippy the paperclip

there going "I see you're trying
to cut off gas supplies

"to the dissident West."

At the end of that round
the points go to Angela,

Hugh and Alasdair.

APPLAUSE

Now we come to Scenes
We'd Like To See.

So if everyone can make their way
over to the performance area.

I'll read out this week's
topics and then we'll see

what our panellists can
come up with.

Right here we go.

The first subject is Unlikely Lines
From a Blockbuster Movie.

"I feel the need,
the need for speed."

"Well, Mr Gove, you're not
in the cabinet anymore.

"Go for it."

Listen, trust me, Freaky Friday
seems like a laugh and then you swap

bodies with your mum and your dad
comes home drunk.

Before we apes kill the final human
and take over the planet,

I'm just going to sit in that tyre
and masturbate for a bit.

LAUGHTER

My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius.

I am the father of a murdered son,
the husband of a murdered wife.

And I've got a podcast.

So, tune in wherever
you get your podcasts.

The aliens have destroyed
Los Angeles and Paris.

We think London could be next.

They seem to be targeting wankers.

Showdown at dawn.

I'll be there.

When is dawn exactly?
It's different every day.

Might be easier to just
put a time on it.

Wax on, wax off.
Wax on, wax off.

OK, you roll over now,
I do your crack.

LAUGHTER

I will Kill Bill.

As a rule, I will always do the
thing that rhymes with your name.

Does anyone know a Chuck?

LAUGHTER

My name?

I've almost forgotten it.

Born under a black star,
cursed and reviled.

Yes, my name is Neil
Johnston and the long number

on the card is five, nine, two...

LAUGHTER

Batman Returns?

No problem, fill in a label, pop him
in a bag, take him to a post office.

APPLAUSE

You know most evil
overlords only become evil

because they experience
some childhood trauma.

Is there any chance that
could have happened to you,

Professor Poopy Willy?

LAUGHTER

My mama always said life
is like a box of chocolates.

It doesn't last as long
if you're medically obese.

LAUGHTER

I've gathered you here today
because you're the world's best

superheroes and I just bought a shit
tonne of flat pack furniture.

Now, Avengers, Assemble.

APPLAUSE

The Tin Man had no heart,
the Lion had no courage

and the Scarecrow had no brain.

And that's how they all ended up
in Liz Truss's cabinet.

LAUGHTER

It seems the killer
has left his, or her,

fingerprints all over
the crime scene.

And he, or she, has also left
a considerable amount of semen.

LAUGHTER

Batman, why do we keep
the Batmobile in the Batcave?

It's covered in bat shit.

LAUGHTER

I had sex last night
with a Norse god.

Thor?

I can't even pith!

APPLAUSE

I suppose I always expected my life
to be a fairy tale.

I guess I'm still waiting
for my Prince Andrew.

LAUGHTER

Thou shalt not pass!

Ah, Mr Schofield, yeah.

In you go.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

OK, the next topic is,

Things You Wouldn't Hear
on a Property Show.

So, as you can see, she's
a bit of a fixer upper,

she needs a lot of work done.

But she wants to buy a house with me
so we're looking for a new build.

Well, it's all about location,
location, location and this

is a shithole, shithole, shithole.

LAUGHTER

We're here in Calais with Ahmed
and Khadeja for a special episode

of Escape Into The Country.

LAUGHTER

So, basically what we've done
here is we've put Nick Knowles

in a cupboard and bricked it up.

LAUGHTER

You could do anything here.

You could knock through that wall,
you could re-tile the roof.

But not the patio.

You mustn't touch the patio.

LAUGHTER

Sandra and John are planning
to sell their three-bedroom terrace

in Wigan so they can go to London
to get a spot of lunch.

LAUGHTER

John and Jules have knocked
through from their bedroom

into the room next door.

They didn't mean to,
but that's Viagra for you.

LAUGHTER

Whoa, whoa, whoa, when I said
you should knock one out

I meant one of the walls!

LAUGHTER

And this is where we
built the panic room.

Ideal for opening
your next gas bill.

LAUGHTER

They've made an offer
of 320 which is quite low

because most houses cost
thousands of pounds.

LAUGHTER

So a year on, I've come back to see
how they're getting on.

Fuck me, still not finished.

LAUGHTER

MAKING TERRIFIED CAT NOISES

Oh, you're right, it is big enough.

LAUGHTER

The previous owner did
leave it in a state

of disrepair but honestly,
I'm thinking about making an offer.

Sorry, I'm babbling.

Time of death, 4:15pm.

LAUGHTER

Welcome to the show
where we help millennials

to buy their first ever property.

Yes, this is Hit Man For Your Gran.

LAUGHTER

Old-fashioned and some
jaw-dropping views.

We won't be inviting Kirstie Allsopp
On Question Time again.

Hi, I'm a public school twat
walking towards the camera.

LAUGHTER

That'll do.

Well, I've put your cheeky
offer in to the owners,

and they told me to shove it
up my arse.

LAUGHTER

I don't know how to tell
you this, I know you've just

completed but the sweet old,
widowed man that you bought

the house off has, well,
he's tied a bunch of balloons to it

and floated off into the sky.

LAUGHTER

Rupert and Jacinta are 25
years old and have budget

of £2.5 million.

Wankers.

LAUGHTER

Tim and Dorothy plan
to move because of

the primary school situation.

Tim isn't allowed
within 500 metres of one.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

At the end of that
round the points go

to Ria, Josh and Rhys.

APPLAUSE

That's the end of the show.

This week's winners are Ria Lina,
Josh Pugh And Rhys James.

This week's winners are Ria Lina,
Josh Pugh and Rhys James.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Commiserations to Angela
Barnes, Hugh Dennis and

Alasdair Beckett-King.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you for watching.

I'm Dara O Briain.
Goodnight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Read all about it

# Read all about it