Mock the Week (2005–…): Season 18, Episode 13 - Christmas Special - full transcript
Dara O Briain and Hugh Dennis mark the end of 2019 with a special show looking back on the year's events, along with unseen material, out-takes and all the usual fun.
# Read about the things that happen
throughout the world
# But don't believe in everything
you see or hear
# Read all about it
# Read all about it
# News of the world
News of the world... #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
# Read all about it
# News of the world
News of the world. #
This programme
contains some strong language
Hello, I'm Dara O Briain.
Season's greetings and welcome to
a special festive edition
of Mock the Week, coming to you
live from Pizza Express in Woking.
We're here for a team bonding
on a standard shooting weekend
so this week you'll be watching
outtakes, unseen material
and a look back at the year.
Make sure you enjoy it. No sweat!
This is the meltdown
of the core of the Labour Party.
That's how bad things are getting.
Shit is falling out of the sky!
It's a bit of white tape.
Are we going to shift this along
before what that tape was holding
falls on me?
We start with a round called
Picture of the Week.
I show the panel a topical image
and ask them to tell me
what's happening.
So, what's going on here?
Why did she decide to
moonwalk to the lectern?
Is it Theresa May proving that
she can leave something?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Has someone just shouted, "We'll be
glad to see the back of you",
and she's taken it
far too literally?
I think what she said was,
she was like,
"Now I can listen to
my favourite music...
VOICE BREAKS: "..the country
and western I love."
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I think of some of those
great country songs
and I begin to cry as well.
It does look frighteningly
like the door is still closed.
That would've been great, if during
the speech, they changed the locks.
You just see some bin bags
flying out the window.
Or the letter flap opens
from the inside
and all of her clothes
are just pushed out.
Does anyone know what the story is?
Is it Theresa May resigning
as Conservative leader?
Absolutely right.
Yes, thank you very much, Glenn.
Yes, this is Prime Minister Theresa
May outside 10 Downing Street,
having just announced
her resignation.
May will step down as Leader of
the Conservative Party on
7th June, but will continue to
serve as Prime Minister
until the Tory leadership contest
has been concluded.
This seemed to be
the biggest question anyone had -
did you feel sorry for her?
Well, I feel sorry for anyone
who's forced to make an announcement
standing in the middle of a road.
I am originally from Russia
and I can't deal that resignation
is even an option for a leader.
Why do you need a lectern?
I don't understand that.
You could do it with a bit of paper.
If she's got a lectern,
it always makes me think
she's going to make
an announcement with a glove puppet.
I'm making an important
policy announcement
and here to help me is Monkey.
Every time you see somebody behind
a lectern?
What university
did you go to exactly?
Sooty University.
Yeah, Sooty University.
Yeah, it was, wasn't it?
Yeah, it really was, yeah.
Cambridge...
Oh, are you also the head
of Cai-us College, or whatever?
I think you'll find it's pronounced
"keys", Dara.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I'm terribly sorry. I just...
I just couldn't let that one go.
In terms of sport, who made
an impressive comeback this week?
Now, this was a friend of the show.
Friend of the show.
Andy Murray. Andy Murray, yes.
Andy Murray won
the doubles tournament at Queens
on his comeback tournament.
Yeah, after he's had
his hip resurfaced. Yes.
Which is amazing. Resurfaced?!
It's clay now, it was grass and...
Well, I'm sort of assuming you would
do it with tarmac, would you?
I love the way you're asking me,
the Irish man.
That's why I was asking.
I can get you the tarmac,
but I'm just saying...
I'm offended, but also I spot a deal
when it's appearing.
They shaved a bit of the surface
of the joints off.
That's the thing about you oldies -
you know about stuff like this.
How much older than you am I?
11 years.
I like that you've checked...
You just told us you're 47.
So it didn't take much for me
to go, "Well, I'm 36..."
That's the thing about you oldies,
you can't count.
Give him a Sudoku puzzle,
keep it working.
I'm the same age,
I don't know why I'm laughing.
You never know why you're laughing,
that's what happens
when you get to certain age.
Just happy to be here!
Just happy to be around!
I just think it's nice that
you came to visit Tom, that's all.
We all came to visit.
And you finally found a girlfriend.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
What a partnership we'd be.
In other news, who was expelled
from the Labour Party recently?
Oh, shit, I've spilt some...!
Oh, fucking arsehole!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Didn't get me!
But got the electric cables...
Hey! Did anyone see
that big car that Trump had?
Hey, brother!
What's up, playa?! Hey, homie!
Are we talking like this
for the pick-ups?
Hey, cracker!
So, what special car
did Trump bring over with him?
Oh, I don't know, daddio!
The Beast. It was The Beast.
What's The Beast?
He's never going to get that
into the ULEZ zone, is he?
First thing Trump did
when he arrived was meet the Queen.
Here they are meeting.
Nice that he's put on his
formal-wear tutu. That was nice.
I like to imagine she's going "Oh,
you arrived at Stansted, did you?
"That was my idea."
Why does she need a handbag?
She's in her own garden.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Yeah, what...?
What could be in there?
She's carrying her mace
in case he tries it on.
If you just focus on
the front bit of the jacket,
it looks like he's got
the most obscene boner in history.
I hadn't seen that, but now...
You can't not see it.
You can't not see it now.
Ludicrous...
Look, none of us have met the Queen,
we don't know what's it's like.
Sorry, sorry I spilt water
on my foot and I nearly slipped.
That was a weird exam question.
Oh, sorry. Not in character.
It's fine, I'm fine.
Is there now water
all over the floor? Is there...?
No, it's fine -
I just had my foot in the wet patch.
Oh, you're doing your own jokes
now, aren't ya...?
Sorry, what is that a euphemism for?
"Got your foot in the wet patch?
Know what I mean?" No!
You have to remember,
Nish hasn't done it.
Moving on, how did a deer make
headlines in America recently?
Oh, this is amazing.
Are we going to watch it? Yes.
This is a deer arriving
in some style
at a hair salon in Long Island
in New York.
Normal day at the hair salon.
What the hell's this?
Is that bloke going
"No, I said I wanted MOUSSE"?
Then it went out the door.
Look how politely
it left out the door.
It was really sweet.
"I'm so sorry about your window!"
Exactly.
It was like
he was a disgruntled customer.
He was, like, going,
"What the hell do you call this?!"
I like to think that just off shot
there's a dog owner shouting,
"Fenton!"
A man dressed entirely in red
with a white beard.
"Rudolph! Rudolph! Rudolph!
Rudolph!"
Dara, this is new technology, right?
Yeah.
You may not know this, OK?
But when you're getting a hair cut
it can be very awkward
if midway through the haircut
you can tell the hairdresser's
not really up to it
and it's not going well.
So they've made this new app
in America
where, if you're panicking, you just
get your phone out and go "Save me",
and then a moose crashes in...
In other news, who's favourite to
replace Theresa May as Party Leader?
Boris Johnson. You've got to worry.
Like, he's been quiet for
about six months -
we knew he was up to something.
The Tories are likely to select him,
aren't they?
Because he's up against Farage and
you need to fight Titan with Titan.
It's like the plot of Godzilla
but with bellends.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
If it does end up being Boris,
I find it so weird that he will
sleep in the same bed that
Theresa May used to cry under.
Oh, that's so sad!
I know, but whoever comes in after
him will definitely change the bed.
I can imagine him putting in
one of those race car beds.
I think if he does become
Prime Minister, it does mean that
Gary Busey will be
in Series 7 of The Crown.
Yeah, so that's them -
we've got Raab, we've got Gove.
Esther McVey is running.
This is Tommy Fury...
This is Tommy Fury -
he's running as well.
He's the 20-year-old boxer
from Manchester.
He's running for it as well.
Who else is running?
I think we've...
Is it Yewande Biala? She's a...
Wait a minute, hang on.
We may have mixed this up...
This is Love Island,
which is on at the same time,
so it's very easy to mix up
these two competitions.
They're both running
during the summer,
they're both going to be huge,
there'll be eliminations,
we'll narrow it down.
Do you know the best thing
about Love Island? Go on.
Oh, God, Ed Gamble is in it.
Look, Ed Gamble...
Wow!
There I am.
Look at Ed Gamble.
Ed, this is...
You know what, you're
the first people to bring it up.
It's not like I've been dealing with
24 hours of shit on Twitter
for this!
It's another reason
for you to take that shirt off.
OK, meanwhile, how did former
Conservative MP Rory Stewart
upset two Irish musicians?
Grown-up Rhys James?
Yeah. Rhys James of the future.
You love it when we bring this up,
don't, you mate? You love it.
What a wonderful person
to look like.
It is...
Every time, every time.
I think that's unfair because he
looks like a zombie of Rhys James,
which is double-spooky cos Rhys
already looks like a ghost.
Isn't it infuriating that
when Ed gets a lookalike,
it's someone from Love Island,
a TV show about sexy people?
And when I get one,
it's a 46-year-old Tory
who looks like a haunted puppet.
It really just looks like
your bit of hair
that's folded over
has just flipped up a bit.
What is it...?
How did he get in trouble?
So, he had a video of him
meeting two Irish musicians,
who happened to be black,
in Brick Lane
and he referred to them later on
as minor gangsters.
Now, you can't just assume that
everyone that you meet is black...
Uh, that is black...
Yeah, that would be a weird...
Yeah, that would be
a weird assumption.
You're right Angela,
you can't, you can't...
I did that for many years.
That is the most woke thing
I've ever heard in my life.
"I'm not assuming you're black!"
I can't wait to see
that in the blooper reel.
"Hello, Your Majesty. Now,
I'm not presuming you're black..."
Our next round is called Newsreel.
We play in a recent piece of footage
featuring people in the news
and ask Hugh to suggest
what might be being said.
This week's clip
features the EU leaders.
AS THERESA MAY: I know
I'm not supposed to be at the G7,
but I thought I'd just pop in.
AS ANGELA MERKEL: Don't worry,
Theresa, it's lovely to see you.
Look at this, it's hilarious.
This is Prince Andrew
on "Would I Lie To You?"
Oh, look, and another photo.
Look at that, it's Jacob Rees-Mogg
without any trousers on!
AS DONALD TUSK: Now that is what
I call a dick pic!
AS ANTONIO COSTA:
Sorry, I'm very sorry.
It's for current world leaders only.
We're going to
need that chair for Boris.
AS THERESA MAY: Well, fuck Boris -
I'm staying.
AS ANGELA MERKEL:
She just turned up without an invite
wearing the same outfit as me.
AS EMMANUEL MACRON:
Oh, the shitty blue jacket?
AS VLADIMIR PUTIN: So I'll just
stand here for the leaders' photo.
So where is everyone?
It's the leaders' photo.
I can't stand here
looking like Vladimir No Mates,
standing at the friendship bus stop.
Where is everyone? Ah, this man,
he will stand next to me.
Yes, you will stand next to me.
How do you do? All right...
You will regret that.
What's wrong?
Have I got some shit on my shoes?
Oh, yes, shit on my shoe,
Shit on my shoe.
You will stand next to me
or I will kill you.
AS LEE HSIEN LOONG:
What is that funny smell?
Thank you very much, Hugh.
APPLAUSE
Is it how many decibels does the fox
below my window orgasm at?
There's a real tone to it
as well, isn't there? Yeah.
EHHHH!
It sounds like it's saying, "Ed."
EDDDD!
"I'm thinking of you, Ed. I'm
thinking of you on Love Island."
Aaaahhhh!
It's what's getting me
over the line here.
Does anyone know the correct answer?
How many people have been buying
tickets for the Women's World Cup.
Absolutely right.
Thank you very much, Kerry Godliman.
Now, have you been following
any or all of this?
Yeah, I've been singing
Three Lionesses On The Shirtesses.
It's very early in the tournament,
isn't it?
We've only played one game,
against Scotland,
which got 6.1 million viewers.
Which is great.
So they're the Lionesses. Yes.
Do they change the badge?
Do they do it like Disney do
and just put eyelashes on the lion?
A little bow. A little bow like
Mrs... Ms Pac-Man.
Wears a bow and then looks giddy
about the whole thing.
Some people are annoyed
about it, though, aren't they?
There's all these old-fashioned
people being like,
"I don't want to watch
women's football."
But I'm actually going to
throw my support behind it
because I will get behind anything
that annoys old-fashioned bigots.
You know, I'm now fully throwing
my support behind gay box-ming...
Oh, fuck!
It was going to be so good.
It was good, going well.
It was going real well,
I had the room captive.
Do you want to give it another
crack? Was there more to it?
I feel like they've seen
where it's going now.
So I just think there's
a lot of old-fashioned bigots
who are kicking off about...
There are, there are.
Old-fashioned bigots, there are!
Trying to kind of wind you into it.
Do you know what I hate?
Do you know what I hate?
Do you know what I hate?
Do you know what I hate, Ed Gamble?
Love Island's Ed Gamble.
Do you know what I hate? Come on.
Some of the very
reactionary attitudes
to something like
the Women's World Cup.
I don't know about you,
but that really gets on my nerves.
Well, that's just...
that's just given me a thought.
I hate the old-fashioned bigots
kicking off about women's football.
You know, in fact, now I'm going to
really get into it
and I'm going to throw my weight
behind things like gay box... box...
Argh!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I used to go out with a girl years
ago who had a great big green top
and big gloves,
and I took her home to see my mum
and she whispered to me,
"She's a keeper."
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
How has the women's manager,
by the way, Phil Neville
been channelling Gareth Southgate?
Who's Phil Neville?
Phil Neville is
the manager of the Lionesses.
Oh, OK. Gareth Southgate is
the manager of the men's team.
Are you going to talk about loads of
sport? Cos I've got a note.
Oh, OK...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I don't do sport.
"Dear Sir, please ex-cuse
Kerry from talking about PE.
"Unfortunately
she doesn't understand it.
"Thanks, Mrs Kerry,
bracket, Kerry's mum."
Is it how long does
the average VAR decision take?
Oh, you lads!
How long does Prince Andrew
have to stay at someone's house
to tell them he's not friends
with them any more?
How long did my French hip-hop
group Rapatouille last?
Ah! Oh, oh, I want to see that.
I really don't want to see that.
Je suis Rapatouille.
Is it what is
the average journey time
from Guildford to London
on South West Railways?
Is it how long did
I live rent-free in a London office
just by purchasing
a Deliveroo jacket?
By the way,
all I've done for the last...
I don't know what you've been
talking about.
I've been writing the lyrics
of the Rapatouille songs.
RAPS:
# Oui, oui, je suis Rapatouille
# And me, voici, le super boogie. #
It seems to be sort of hemmed in
by your lack of French knowledge.
I will hit a very big wall
in about eight words' time.
If you're already on
"le super boogie",
I think you might have run out.
Is it how many days on
a Poundland advent calendar?
Do you get extra stuff at Poundland?
No, I'm being mean about...
Poundland's actually a very good
shop I'd say, very handy.
Well, I once bought
some clippers there for my head
and it literally
ripped the skin off my...
Is that why you're bald?
Yeah.
Did you use it? No, no.
I'm not even listening.
# Janvier, fevrier... #
Moving on, if you want to
appear more attractive,
how should you pose?
With your cock out.
On behalf of all women,
I'd like to say
it's much more attractive
when it's in. Yeah.
In what?! In... I mean... Oh, God...
It's probably not worth it now.
It's shit, actually.
Do it! Do it!
Stop it.
Oh, welcome to the salon.
Yes, we've actually got
a special on for Wookies.
Yes, we're doing a waxing.
It's for your Chewbacca sac-a
and crack-a.
That would be great.
You know you should do it
during the Star Wars topic
rather than doing it...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I get so overwhelmed.
It's so overwhelming to me.
I get so...
This is very overwhelming.
It is an unlikely thing to
hear during an election campaign.
OK, in other news, what have
scientists said it's safe to
do up to 25 times a day?
Please be what I think it is.
Please be what I think it is.
Please be what I think it is.
Almost the end of the round.
The points go to me
for writing an excellent rap.
Let's go for it.
# C'est moi, avec toi
# Dans le rap nous sommes les rois
# Vous etre dans le fenetre
# Et regardons moi
et ta mere peut-etre?
# Nous sommes en dansons
et vous etes pensants
# Ne touchez pas
ma mere's fondant. #
It goes on from there.
I haven't quite finished...
OK, the answer is 10 minutes.
What is the question?
Is it the average length
of a woman's orgasm...
..if you're doing it right?
Now you tell me.
Who's bringing down that average?
Shall I move on? The next topic...
I wonder who's
going to come in on this one?
It'll be a race to the microphone.
The next topic is unlikely lines
from a Star Wars movie.
You go first.
We're doing a special for Wookies...
Vote for me, Tom Allen.
Angela's dying, Angela's dying.
Anyone got some water?
I've just inhaled a fly
and I've run out of water.
In other news,
who inhaled a fly this week?
Give them that old song.
We love that old one.
All right, all right, can we all...
All right, Dara,
I'm going to do it. All right.
Before you...
Give the people what they want.
Before you... Hang on.
Before you do sorry, just to check
the one that we do to say first.
# Qu'est ce que vous avez
dans le sac, Chewbacca?
# Avec le crack et sac-a. #
Well, actually if we're on the topic
of science - which I think we are -
is it true...? You're a science.
I'm a science, yes, I am.
Is it true that we've only ever seen
giraffes when they're aroused,
and if they're not aroused,
they just look like a horse?
Yes, we've got a special actually
on at the salon today.
Yes, for Wookies.
Yes, it's a wax-a for your Chewbacca
sac-a and crack-a.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
That was Tom Allen with
Jedi for the Straight Guy.
Meanwhile, what's going on here?
Free hugs.
Free hugs, everybody!
Oh, look, it's Corbyn holding hands
with all his Jewish friends.
GROANS AND APPLAUSE
Jeremy Corbyn summing up
his attitude to Brexit
by walking down
the middle of the road.
Did he misunderstand the idea of
taking his message nationwide
and he's taken it to Nationwide?
Is it "Passers-by pretend
it's raining
"to avoid making eye contact?"
Is this the death of
the high street?
I spoke to these shoppers.
"Er...! Er...!"
In other news, what's going on here?
Is this the brilliant moment
we finally discover that
Boris' hair shade is bread?
Do you think he's buying a hard
breadstick or a soft breadstick?
I think this is
a picture of Boris after
he puts yet another bun in the oven.
He's pretty much certainly
going, "I love baps."
Is he behind the till, though?
I can't work it out.
He is behind the till, yeah.
That seems weird that the customers,
the till is...
They're not... They're outside.
That's glass, Dara.
You can see through glass.
That's what we call here,
we call that a shop window.
Yeah. It's amazing.
It's amazing what...
It was a revolutionary thing that
came out
about 400 or 500 years ago.
There are no ends to
your acting talents.
From Southern Belle accent to mime.
It turns out the accent
you're best at is mime.
How dare you! I'm going to
go down to the basement now.
OK, the next topic is unlikely
things to hear on a charity show.
Can you imagine being one
of the 350,000 living in poverty?
Sorry, Coventry.
Here we see Abdi walking 20 miles
just to fetch clean water
for his Somalian fam...
Oh, no, hang on a second -
that's Justin Trudeau.
And now a special report
from Piers Morgan in Africa,
where for just £3 a month,
you can help us keep him.
At the age of 44,
Ray discovered an incurable cyst.
Help us raise money
for the Ray Cyst Foundation.
Every day these donkeys are abused,
humiliated and degraded.
For just £2 a month, you can help
them indulge in
more of their fantasies
at the Donkey Spank-tuary.
Type 1 Diabetes,
a very serious illness,
but don't base your whole act on it.
Oh, he's brewing one.
Hi, I'm an ambassador
for Save the Children,
my name is Prince Andrew.
Here at the Make A Wish
foundation...
What is Oxfam?
Well, we look after oxes, fam.
We're raising money for Stoptober,
or, as we like to call it,
white Ramadan.
Give a man a fish
and he'll be fine for a day.
Teach a man to fish
and with any luck he'll
fuck off for the whole weekend.
We've just seen a man wanked off
with a copy of the Beano.
Welcome to Comic Relief.
OK, the next topic is
things you wouldn't hear
on a history documentary.
Now, while this may look like
an ordinary car park in Leicester,
this is actually
the final resting place of my hymen.
Henry VIII liked his wives to be
athletic and that was her downfall.
She wouldn't run, she wouldn't walk.
She would simply ANNE BOLEYN.
And so the king appointed
a viceroy as
a replacement for his regular Roy.
We talk a lot about
Winston Churchill's achievements,
but we don't talk nearly
enough about that ass!
It's 1066,
so that can only mean one thing -
I shouldn't have bought my digital
watch from a market.
Before dawn, the carts would all
come out to collect the bodies.
That is until the day that
Prince Philip finally
handed in his driving licence.
As the door was opened, he uttered
the words which would start
the Russian Revolution.
"Excuse me," he said.
"Is LENIN?"
This was a time
before Sigourney Weaver,
when everyone else had to
weave their own Sigourneys.
Thank you.
Incensed that both Henry
and Edward had become king,
Thomas the Tank Engine
plotted revenge.
Of course we talk a lot about
Richard the Lionheart,
but we seldom talk about
his brother,
William the Leopardscrotum.
Today we look at one of the key
figures of the Ming dynasty -
your mum.
I love the way
you're still following me.
RAPS: # Boom, c'est moi, c'est toi
# Avec le rap
# Nous sommes les rois
# Et vous etre dans le fenetre
# Et vous regardez moi
avec ta mere peut-etre? #
throughout the world
# But don't believe in everything
you see or hear
# Read all about it
# Read all about it
# News of the world
News of the world... #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
# Read all about it
# News of the world
News of the world. #
This programme
contains some strong language
Hello, I'm Dara O Briain.
Season's greetings and welcome to
a special festive edition
of Mock the Week, coming to you
live from Pizza Express in Woking.
We're here for a team bonding
on a standard shooting weekend
so this week you'll be watching
outtakes, unseen material
and a look back at the year.
Make sure you enjoy it. No sweat!
This is the meltdown
of the core of the Labour Party.
That's how bad things are getting.
Shit is falling out of the sky!
It's a bit of white tape.
Are we going to shift this along
before what that tape was holding
falls on me?
We start with a round called
Picture of the Week.
I show the panel a topical image
and ask them to tell me
what's happening.
So, what's going on here?
Why did she decide to
moonwalk to the lectern?
Is it Theresa May proving that
she can leave something?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Has someone just shouted, "We'll be
glad to see the back of you",
and she's taken it
far too literally?
I think what she said was,
she was like,
"Now I can listen to
my favourite music...
VOICE BREAKS: "..the country
and western I love."
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I think of some of those
great country songs
and I begin to cry as well.
It does look frighteningly
like the door is still closed.
That would've been great, if during
the speech, they changed the locks.
You just see some bin bags
flying out the window.
Or the letter flap opens
from the inside
and all of her clothes
are just pushed out.
Does anyone know what the story is?
Is it Theresa May resigning
as Conservative leader?
Absolutely right.
Yes, thank you very much, Glenn.
Yes, this is Prime Minister Theresa
May outside 10 Downing Street,
having just announced
her resignation.
May will step down as Leader of
the Conservative Party on
7th June, but will continue to
serve as Prime Minister
until the Tory leadership contest
has been concluded.
This seemed to be
the biggest question anyone had -
did you feel sorry for her?
Well, I feel sorry for anyone
who's forced to make an announcement
standing in the middle of a road.
I am originally from Russia
and I can't deal that resignation
is even an option for a leader.
Why do you need a lectern?
I don't understand that.
You could do it with a bit of paper.
If she's got a lectern,
it always makes me think
she's going to make
an announcement with a glove puppet.
I'm making an important
policy announcement
and here to help me is Monkey.
Every time you see somebody behind
a lectern?
What university
did you go to exactly?
Sooty University.
Yeah, Sooty University.
Yeah, it was, wasn't it?
Yeah, it really was, yeah.
Cambridge...
Oh, are you also the head
of Cai-us College, or whatever?
I think you'll find it's pronounced
"keys", Dara.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I'm terribly sorry. I just...
I just couldn't let that one go.
In terms of sport, who made
an impressive comeback this week?
Now, this was a friend of the show.
Friend of the show.
Andy Murray. Andy Murray, yes.
Andy Murray won
the doubles tournament at Queens
on his comeback tournament.
Yeah, after he's had
his hip resurfaced. Yes.
Which is amazing. Resurfaced?!
It's clay now, it was grass and...
Well, I'm sort of assuming you would
do it with tarmac, would you?
I love the way you're asking me,
the Irish man.
That's why I was asking.
I can get you the tarmac,
but I'm just saying...
I'm offended, but also I spot a deal
when it's appearing.
They shaved a bit of the surface
of the joints off.
That's the thing about you oldies -
you know about stuff like this.
How much older than you am I?
11 years.
I like that you've checked...
You just told us you're 47.
So it didn't take much for me
to go, "Well, I'm 36..."
That's the thing about you oldies,
you can't count.
Give him a Sudoku puzzle,
keep it working.
I'm the same age,
I don't know why I'm laughing.
You never know why you're laughing,
that's what happens
when you get to certain age.
Just happy to be here!
Just happy to be around!
I just think it's nice that
you came to visit Tom, that's all.
We all came to visit.
And you finally found a girlfriend.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
What a partnership we'd be.
In other news, who was expelled
from the Labour Party recently?
Oh, shit, I've spilt some...!
Oh, fucking arsehole!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Didn't get me!
But got the electric cables...
Hey! Did anyone see
that big car that Trump had?
Hey, brother!
What's up, playa?! Hey, homie!
Are we talking like this
for the pick-ups?
Hey, cracker!
So, what special car
did Trump bring over with him?
Oh, I don't know, daddio!
The Beast. It was The Beast.
What's The Beast?
He's never going to get that
into the ULEZ zone, is he?
First thing Trump did
when he arrived was meet the Queen.
Here they are meeting.
Nice that he's put on his
formal-wear tutu. That was nice.
I like to imagine she's going "Oh,
you arrived at Stansted, did you?
"That was my idea."
Why does she need a handbag?
She's in her own garden.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Yeah, what...?
What could be in there?
She's carrying her mace
in case he tries it on.
If you just focus on
the front bit of the jacket,
it looks like he's got
the most obscene boner in history.
I hadn't seen that, but now...
You can't not see it.
You can't not see it now.
Ludicrous...
Look, none of us have met the Queen,
we don't know what's it's like.
Sorry, sorry I spilt water
on my foot and I nearly slipped.
That was a weird exam question.
Oh, sorry. Not in character.
It's fine, I'm fine.
Is there now water
all over the floor? Is there...?
No, it's fine -
I just had my foot in the wet patch.
Oh, you're doing your own jokes
now, aren't ya...?
Sorry, what is that a euphemism for?
"Got your foot in the wet patch?
Know what I mean?" No!
You have to remember,
Nish hasn't done it.
Moving on, how did a deer make
headlines in America recently?
Oh, this is amazing.
Are we going to watch it? Yes.
This is a deer arriving
in some style
at a hair salon in Long Island
in New York.
Normal day at the hair salon.
What the hell's this?
Is that bloke going
"No, I said I wanted MOUSSE"?
Then it went out the door.
Look how politely
it left out the door.
It was really sweet.
"I'm so sorry about your window!"
Exactly.
It was like
he was a disgruntled customer.
He was, like, going,
"What the hell do you call this?!"
I like to think that just off shot
there's a dog owner shouting,
"Fenton!"
A man dressed entirely in red
with a white beard.
"Rudolph! Rudolph! Rudolph!
Rudolph!"
Dara, this is new technology, right?
Yeah.
You may not know this, OK?
But when you're getting a hair cut
it can be very awkward
if midway through the haircut
you can tell the hairdresser's
not really up to it
and it's not going well.
So they've made this new app
in America
where, if you're panicking, you just
get your phone out and go "Save me",
and then a moose crashes in...
In other news, who's favourite to
replace Theresa May as Party Leader?
Boris Johnson. You've got to worry.
Like, he's been quiet for
about six months -
we knew he was up to something.
The Tories are likely to select him,
aren't they?
Because he's up against Farage and
you need to fight Titan with Titan.
It's like the plot of Godzilla
but with bellends.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
If it does end up being Boris,
I find it so weird that he will
sleep in the same bed that
Theresa May used to cry under.
Oh, that's so sad!
I know, but whoever comes in after
him will definitely change the bed.
I can imagine him putting in
one of those race car beds.
I think if he does become
Prime Minister, it does mean that
Gary Busey will be
in Series 7 of The Crown.
Yeah, so that's them -
we've got Raab, we've got Gove.
Esther McVey is running.
This is Tommy Fury...
This is Tommy Fury -
he's running as well.
He's the 20-year-old boxer
from Manchester.
He's running for it as well.
Who else is running?
I think we've...
Is it Yewande Biala? She's a...
Wait a minute, hang on.
We may have mixed this up...
This is Love Island,
which is on at the same time,
so it's very easy to mix up
these two competitions.
They're both running
during the summer,
they're both going to be huge,
there'll be eliminations,
we'll narrow it down.
Do you know the best thing
about Love Island? Go on.
Oh, God, Ed Gamble is in it.
Look, Ed Gamble...
Wow!
There I am.
Look at Ed Gamble.
Ed, this is...
You know what, you're
the first people to bring it up.
It's not like I've been dealing with
24 hours of shit on Twitter
for this!
It's another reason
for you to take that shirt off.
OK, meanwhile, how did former
Conservative MP Rory Stewart
upset two Irish musicians?
Grown-up Rhys James?
Yeah. Rhys James of the future.
You love it when we bring this up,
don't, you mate? You love it.
What a wonderful person
to look like.
It is...
Every time, every time.
I think that's unfair because he
looks like a zombie of Rhys James,
which is double-spooky cos Rhys
already looks like a ghost.
Isn't it infuriating that
when Ed gets a lookalike,
it's someone from Love Island,
a TV show about sexy people?
And when I get one,
it's a 46-year-old Tory
who looks like a haunted puppet.
It really just looks like
your bit of hair
that's folded over
has just flipped up a bit.
What is it...?
How did he get in trouble?
So, he had a video of him
meeting two Irish musicians,
who happened to be black,
in Brick Lane
and he referred to them later on
as minor gangsters.
Now, you can't just assume that
everyone that you meet is black...
Uh, that is black...
Yeah, that would be a weird...
Yeah, that would be
a weird assumption.
You're right Angela,
you can't, you can't...
I did that for many years.
That is the most woke thing
I've ever heard in my life.
"I'm not assuming you're black!"
I can't wait to see
that in the blooper reel.
"Hello, Your Majesty. Now,
I'm not presuming you're black..."
Our next round is called Newsreel.
We play in a recent piece of footage
featuring people in the news
and ask Hugh to suggest
what might be being said.
This week's clip
features the EU leaders.
AS THERESA MAY: I know
I'm not supposed to be at the G7,
but I thought I'd just pop in.
AS ANGELA MERKEL: Don't worry,
Theresa, it's lovely to see you.
Look at this, it's hilarious.
This is Prince Andrew
on "Would I Lie To You?"
Oh, look, and another photo.
Look at that, it's Jacob Rees-Mogg
without any trousers on!
AS DONALD TUSK: Now that is what
I call a dick pic!
AS ANTONIO COSTA:
Sorry, I'm very sorry.
It's for current world leaders only.
We're going to
need that chair for Boris.
AS THERESA MAY: Well, fuck Boris -
I'm staying.
AS ANGELA MERKEL:
She just turned up without an invite
wearing the same outfit as me.
AS EMMANUEL MACRON:
Oh, the shitty blue jacket?
AS VLADIMIR PUTIN: So I'll just
stand here for the leaders' photo.
So where is everyone?
It's the leaders' photo.
I can't stand here
looking like Vladimir No Mates,
standing at the friendship bus stop.
Where is everyone? Ah, this man,
he will stand next to me.
Yes, you will stand next to me.
How do you do? All right...
You will regret that.
What's wrong?
Have I got some shit on my shoes?
Oh, yes, shit on my shoe,
Shit on my shoe.
You will stand next to me
or I will kill you.
AS LEE HSIEN LOONG:
What is that funny smell?
Thank you very much, Hugh.
APPLAUSE
Is it how many decibels does the fox
below my window orgasm at?
There's a real tone to it
as well, isn't there? Yeah.
EHHHH!
It sounds like it's saying, "Ed."
EDDDD!
"I'm thinking of you, Ed. I'm
thinking of you on Love Island."
Aaaahhhh!
It's what's getting me
over the line here.
Does anyone know the correct answer?
How many people have been buying
tickets for the Women's World Cup.
Absolutely right.
Thank you very much, Kerry Godliman.
Now, have you been following
any or all of this?
Yeah, I've been singing
Three Lionesses On The Shirtesses.
It's very early in the tournament,
isn't it?
We've only played one game,
against Scotland,
which got 6.1 million viewers.
Which is great.
So they're the Lionesses. Yes.
Do they change the badge?
Do they do it like Disney do
and just put eyelashes on the lion?
A little bow. A little bow like
Mrs... Ms Pac-Man.
Wears a bow and then looks giddy
about the whole thing.
Some people are annoyed
about it, though, aren't they?
There's all these old-fashioned
people being like,
"I don't want to watch
women's football."
But I'm actually going to
throw my support behind it
because I will get behind anything
that annoys old-fashioned bigots.
You know, I'm now fully throwing
my support behind gay box-ming...
Oh, fuck!
It was going to be so good.
It was good, going well.
It was going real well,
I had the room captive.
Do you want to give it another
crack? Was there more to it?
I feel like they've seen
where it's going now.
So I just think there's
a lot of old-fashioned bigots
who are kicking off about...
There are, there are.
Old-fashioned bigots, there are!
Trying to kind of wind you into it.
Do you know what I hate?
Do you know what I hate?
Do you know what I hate?
Do you know what I hate, Ed Gamble?
Love Island's Ed Gamble.
Do you know what I hate? Come on.
Some of the very
reactionary attitudes
to something like
the Women's World Cup.
I don't know about you,
but that really gets on my nerves.
Well, that's just...
that's just given me a thought.
I hate the old-fashioned bigots
kicking off about women's football.
You know, in fact, now I'm going to
really get into it
and I'm going to throw my weight
behind things like gay box... box...
Argh!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I used to go out with a girl years
ago who had a great big green top
and big gloves,
and I took her home to see my mum
and she whispered to me,
"She's a keeper."
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
How has the women's manager,
by the way, Phil Neville
been channelling Gareth Southgate?
Who's Phil Neville?
Phil Neville is
the manager of the Lionesses.
Oh, OK. Gareth Southgate is
the manager of the men's team.
Are you going to talk about loads of
sport? Cos I've got a note.
Oh, OK...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I don't do sport.
"Dear Sir, please ex-cuse
Kerry from talking about PE.
"Unfortunately
she doesn't understand it.
"Thanks, Mrs Kerry,
bracket, Kerry's mum."
Is it how long does
the average VAR decision take?
Oh, you lads!
How long does Prince Andrew
have to stay at someone's house
to tell them he's not friends
with them any more?
How long did my French hip-hop
group Rapatouille last?
Ah! Oh, oh, I want to see that.
I really don't want to see that.
Je suis Rapatouille.
Is it what is
the average journey time
from Guildford to London
on South West Railways?
Is it how long did
I live rent-free in a London office
just by purchasing
a Deliveroo jacket?
By the way,
all I've done for the last...
I don't know what you've been
talking about.
I've been writing the lyrics
of the Rapatouille songs.
RAPS:
# Oui, oui, je suis Rapatouille
# And me, voici, le super boogie. #
It seems to be sort of hemmed in
by your lack of French knowledge.
I will hit a very big wall
in about eight words' time.
If you're already on
"le super boogie",
I think you might have run out.
Is it how many days on
a Poundland advent calendar?
Do you get extra stuff at Poundland?
No, I'm being mean about...
Poundland's actually a very good
shop I'd say, very handy.
Well, I once bought
some clippers there for my head
and it literally
ripped the skin off my...
Is that why you're bald?
Yeah.
Did you use it? No, no.
I'm not even listening.
# Janvier, fevrier... #
Moving on, if you want to
appear more attractive,
how should you pose?
With your cock out.
On behalf of all women,
I'd like to say
it's much more attractive
when it's in. Yeah.
In what?! In... I mean... Oh, God...
It's probably not worth it now.
It's shit, actually.
Do it! Do it!
Stop it.
Oh, welcome to the salon.
Yes, we've actually got
a special on for Wookies.
Yes, we're doing a waxing.
It's for your Chewbacca sac-a
and crack-a.
That would be great.
You know you should do it
during the Star Wars topic
rather than doing it...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I get so overwhelmed.
It's so overwhelming to me.
I get so...
This is very overwhelming.
It is an unlikely thing to
hear during an election campaign.
OK, in other news, what have
scientists said it's safe to
do up to 25 times a day?
Please be what I think it is.
Please be what I think it is.
Please be what I think it is.
Almost the end of the round.
The points go to me
for writing an excellent rap.
Let's go for it.
# C'est moi, avec toi
# Dans le rap nous sommes les rois
# Vous etre dans le fenetre
# Et regardons moi
et ta mere peut-etre?
# Nous sommes en dansons
et vous etes pensants
# Ne touchez pas
ma mere's fondant. #
It goes on from there.
I haven't quite finished...
OK, the answer is 10 minutes.
What is the question?
Is it the average length
of a woman's orgasm...
..if you're doing it right?
Now you tell me.
Who's bringing down that average?
Shall I move on? The next topic...
I wonder who's
going to come in on this one?
It'll be a race to the microphone.
The next topic is unlikely lines
from a Star Wars movie.
You go first.
We're doing a special for Wookies...
Vote for me, Tom Allen.
Angela's dying, Angela's dying.
Anyone got some water?
I've just inhaled a fly
and I've run out of water.
In other news,
who inhaled a fly this week?
Give them that old song.
We love that old one.
All right, all right, can we all...
All right, Dara,
I'm going to do it. All right.
Before you...
Give the people what they want.
Before you... Hang on.
Before you do sorry, just to check
the one that we do to say first.
# Qu'est ce que vous avez
dans le sac, Chewbacca?
# Avec le crack et sac-a. #
Well, actually if we're on the topic
of science - which I think we are -
is it true...? You're a science.
I'm a science, yes, I am.
Is it true that we've only ever seen
giraffes when they're aroused,
and if they're not aroused,
they just look like a horse?
Yes, we've got a special actually
on at the salon today.
Yes, for Wookies.
Yes, it's a wax-a for your Chewbacca
sac-a and crack-a.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
That was Tom Allen with
Jedi for the Straight Guy.
Meanwhile, what's going on here?
Free hugs.
Free hugs, everybody!
Oh, look, it's Corbyn holding hands
with all his Jewish friends.
GROANS AND APPLAUSE
Jeremy Corbyn summing up
his attitude to Brexit
by walking down
the middle of the road.
Did he misunderstand the idea of
taking his message nationwide
and he's taken it to Nationwide?
Is it "Passers-by pretend
it's raining
"to avoid making eye contact?"
Is this the death of
the high street?
I spoke to these shoppers.
"Er...! Er...!"
In other news, what's going on here?
Is this the brilliant moment
we finally discover that
Boris' hair shade is bread?
Do you think he's buying a hard
breadstick or a soft breadstick?
I think this is
a picture of Boris after
he puts yet another bun in the oven.
He's pretty much certainly
going, "I love baps."
Is he behind the till, though?
I can't work it out.
He is behind the till, yeah.
That seems weird that the customers,
the till is...
They're not... They're outside.
That's glass, Dara.
You can see through glass.
That's what we call here,
we call that a shop window.
Yeah. It's amazing.
It's amazing what...
It was a revolutionary thing that
came out
about 400 or 500 years ago.
There are no ends to
your acting talents.
From Southern Belle accent to mime.
It turns out the accent
you're best at is mime.
How dare you! I'm going to
go down to the basement now.
OK, the next topic is unlikely
things to hear on a charity show.
Can you imagine being one
of the 350,000 living in poverty?
Sorry, Coventry.
Here we see Abdi walking 20 miles
just to fetch clean water
for his Somalian fam...
Oh, no, hang on a second -
that's Justin Trudeau.
And now a special report
from Piers Morgan in Africa,
where for just £3 a month,
you can help us keep him.
At the age of 44,
Ray discovered an incurable cyst.
Help us raise money
for the Ray Cyst Foundation.
Every day these donkeys are abused,
humiliated and degraded.
For just £2 a month, you can help
them indulge in
more of their fantasies
at the Donkey Spank-tuary.
Type 1 Diabetes,
a very serious illness,
but don't base your whole act on it.
Oh, he's brewing one.
Hi, I'm an ambassador
for Save the Children,
my name is Prince Andrew.
Here at the Make A Wish
foundation...
What is Oxfam?
Well, we look after oxes, fam.
We're raising money for Stoptober,
or, as we like to call it,
white Ramadan.
Give a man a fish
and he'll be fine for a day.
Teach a man to fish
and with any luck he'll
fuck off for the whole weekend.
We've just seen a man wanked off
with a copy of the Beano.
Welcome to Comic Relief.
OK, the next topic is
things you wouldn't hear
on a history documentary.
Now, while this may look like
an ordinary car park in Leicester,
this is actually
the final resting place of my hymen.
Henry VIII liked his wives to be
athletic and that was her downfall.
She wouldn't run, she wouldn't walk.
She would simply ANNE BOLEYN.
And so the king appointed
a viceroy as
a replacement for his regular Roy.
We talk a lot about
Winston Churchill's achievements,
but we don't talk nearly
enough about that ass!
It's 1066,
so that can only mean one thing -
I shouldn't have bought my digital
watch from a market.
Before dawn, the carts would all
come out to collect the bodies.
That is until the day that
Prince Philip finally
handed in his driving licence.
As the door was opened, he uttered
the words which would start
the Russian Revolution.
"Excuse me," he said.
"Is LENIN?"
This was a time
before Sigourney Weaver,
when everyone else had to
weave their own Sigourneys.
Thank you.
Incensed that both Henry
and Edward had become king,
Thomas the Tank Engine
plotted revenge.
Of course we talk a lot about
Richard the Lionheart,
but we seldom talk about
his brother,
William the Leopardscrotum.
Today we look at one of the key
figures of the Ming dynasty -
your mum.
I love the way
you're still following me.
RAPS: # Boom, c'est moi, c'est toi
# Avec le rap
# Nous sommes les rois
# Et vous etre dans le fenetre
# Et vous regardez moi
avec ta mere peut-etre? #