Mock the Week (2005–…): Season 18, Episode 1 - Episode #18.1 - full transcript
Dara O Briain and Hugh Dennis are joined by Tom Allen, Ed Gamble, Kerry Godliman, Rhys James and Sindhu Vee as the satirical show returns for an eighteenth series.
This programme contains
strong language.
Hello and welcome to Mock the Week.
I'm Dara O Briain and joining me
this week are Rhys James,
Kerry Godliman and Ed Gamble.
Sindhu Vee, Hugh Dennis
and Tom Allen.
APPLAUSE.
We start with a round called
Picture Of The Week.
I show the panel a topical image
and ask them to tell
me what is happening.
So, what could possibly
be going on here?
LAUGHTER.
Well, clearly the audience have
written their own jokes.
That bloke presumably is going,
"What has come over you, Nigel?"
Is the man on the right saying,
"Well, if you can't eat
a Fruit Corner properly,
young man, it's straight
to bed with you"?
He's wearing a rosette,
so has he just won first
prize in a standing under
a massive pigeon contest?
Is this Nigel Farage straight
after one of his special dreams
about a no-deal Brexit?
Nigel is probably going, "Well,
at least I haven't been... oh, shit."
Is that lactose on the intolerant?
Is he saying, "This isn't
what I meant when I said I wanted
to meet a big Geordie bird
for messy fun"?
Ironically, he's been hit
with fast food, you know,
considering the Whopper he told
about how easy it
was to leave the EU.
It was actually, the food
was from Five Guys.
Do you want to make
a joke about that?
Yeah, I have Five Guys for...
Yes!
Please, please, please!
He just got milkshaked, didn't he?
That's what happened to him.
Absolutely.
It happens all over the place.
Yes, indeed.
Thank you very, very much, Hugh.
You're absolutely right.
APPLAUSE.
Yes, this is leader
of the Brexit Party
Nigel Farage in Newcastle,
having just been covered in
milkshake by a protester,
an action which has been
condemned by people on all
sides of the debate.
And us, too!
Right...
The polls have just closed
in the European election
when this show goes out.
I know, it's so sad!
Oh, I was really getting
into it as well.
And the Brexit Party is expected
to gain the most seats in those
European Parliamentary Elections.
You'd think with that shirt,
they would have thrown
strawberry milkshake to match.
If anything, it should have been
a chocolate milkshake.
Let's face it.
The whole principle of, you know,
being a bodyguard doesn't apply
to milkshake, does it?
You're meant to throw yourself in...
Do you think it will be reflected
in the next series of the Bodyguard,
where he has to look after someone,
someone who is lactose intolerant?
Seems like a great plot device.
I don't believe it anyway, I think
this is a new right wing tactic.
Any time someone asks you a question
you don't want to answer just get
a milkshake thrown at you by one
of your team.
Going, "Farage, do you take
donations from Arron Banks?"
"Bring in the milkshake,
I need the salted caramel!"
It is one of these things
when you're allowed to be,
have a dial on your outrage,
I think, which is a thing that
would have a tendency to forget.
Everything is like, "yeah!"
"No!", "yeah!"
and it's like "You have to condemn
this entirely" and you're
going, "Oh yeah, of course,
we're condemning, it but we're
condemning it comensurate to it's
a milkshake on a suit.
People going "Oh, it's a milkshake
today, but tomorrow
it genuinely could be acid".
Yeah, OK, on a case-by-case
basis, we will take that
significantly more seriously!
"It's a milkshake today
but tomorrow, what if it's
a ninja throwing star?"
"You'll have given them any right
to condemn the ninja throwing star."
"What if the next week it's a grand
piano with a catapult?"
"And if it's an anvil on a rope?"
Didn't McDonalds put up
a sign saying "We're not
going to serve milkshakes today"?
They were told by the police
in Edinburgh not to sell milkshakes.
Burger King tweeted to say "Oh,
we don't mind, we're going to sell
milkshakes."
And they're like some sort
of like sassy friend outside
the pub, going "you're
drunk" and trying to...
"I'm not getting involved,
I'm not getting involved",
and Burger King's like,
"Go on, I'll have a go!"
"At Burger King,
we'll hold your coat."
By the way, have you seen,
did you see the Tory
launch of their campaign?
Yes, yes, it was
brilliant in Bristol.
Oh, oh, it was amazing.
It was amazing.
Yes, it is.
Oh, it was amazing.
It's like the finest photo
of all time, it's great.
It's like, can you imagine a sad...
LAUGHTER.
There are no emojis
that match these faces.
So amazing.
This man's face.
I mean, that is literally
people at graveside.
That is.
And I know actually
Theresa May always wears very
well tailored things,
very, very strong fashion choices.
But for some reason, the sleeves
being that short just makes
it look even sadder.
Having to wedge her hands
into a child's jacket.
It's like her shoulders are now
so slumped that her arms
have started growing.
There was no-one here at this thing.
No, no-one.
No-one went.
No press, nothing.
It was just all in front of no-one.
It was like a karaoke in a cupboard.
This looks like a team that has just
absolutely fucked it
on The Apprentice.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
Yes, how have the Liberal
Democrats caught the eye
during this campaign?
Oh, by still existing.
And they've got a bit
of street cred, I reckon.
Because Vince Cable went
on the Andrew Marr Show and he said
"bollocks to Brexit".
And Andrew Marr told him off,
which is right, he was just
following medical advice,
which is to check your bollocks.
And in a way I thought
that was quite inspired
because you know bollocks
actually are very sensitive,
they're very complicated.
They're outside, but
they're still attached.
APPLAUSE.
And one is slightly
larger than the other.
So in a way, it's a perfect
metaphor for Brexit.
It wasn't that he swore,
it's because he's old.
It's like your grandad saying
boner, like you don't...
It's because he's, he's old.
I want context on that story.
I want context.
We need to hear about that
dreadful Christmas.
The Lib Dems have done so well
because what's happened is,
I remember once, there had been
a birthday party and there
was a single piece of cake left
and it belonged to my second child.
And the first one said it
belonged to him and she said
it belonged to her.
And he said "No, you're
an Islamophobe" and she said "No,
you're an anti-Semite" and then
the baby came in while they were
fighting and just took the cake
and went to the side,
ate it and bring it back.
And that's what Lib Dems have done
while these two are fighting.
My kids are not really
Islamophobe and anti-Semite,
I just thought it would give
you some context.
It's good, I mean it added
to the story but wow, it raised
questions about your parenting!
What about Labour?
Are they in it?
They're here.
They're in it.
They're a part of it as well, yeah.
For instance there's a picture
of Corbyn holding a thing.
Don't forget.
Don't forget May.
Yeah.
APPLAUSE.
It's not the right
election, either, is it?
Yeah 20...
It says that polling day is Thursday
2nd May is what that says.
Oh yes, it is.
And they did quite
badly in that one.
Why has it not worked out
for them, or why has it
been difficult for them?
Well, Jeremy Corbyn
decided that he wanted
to bring the two sides
of the Brexit argument together.
Yes.
And he has united them.
Because they've both decided they're
not going to vote Labour.
It just feels like we've been
driving forever in the middle
of nowhere and it turns
out our navigator can't read
a map and is also dead.
LAUGHTER.
Yes.
You know, like, half of us wanted
to go to the Lake District
and the other half wanted
to go to Cornwall.
And then it turns out we're just
going to have to go to Skegness.
And I don't think
anybody wanted that.
I'm going to ask a question that
I think we know the answer to.
What piece of legislation
is Theresa May putting
to Parliament next month?
You're allowed three guesses
and the first two don't count.
It's her bold new offer
for withdrawal.
Presumably it's called her bold
new offer because it's just
the same thing but in bold.
No, she's saying she's calling it
a bold new offer because she's
preparing for her next job,
selling washing detergent.
It does remind you of when they
changed the name of Jif to Cif.
They're both going to end up down
the toilet, aren't they?
There's no good outcome.
This is yeah, this is Brexit deal...
with lime.
With just a hint
of spring freshness.
How can you have a new and improved
anything to do with that deal?
I mean that deal, the deal
is a rubbish deal.
It's like saying we're going to give
you a new and improved menopause.
Ugh.
I still don't want it.
You know what I mean?
And it's going to still leave me,
you know, sweaty with you know
weird bouts of fury,
kind of like her bill.
It makes me feel so sorry
for her though, for Theresa May.
Because all she's done
as prime minister is just
have the hardest job in the history
of the world.
I mean, a job so hard
that the prime minister whose idea
it was literally got off the grid.
It's ridiculous, all she's done
for three years, she's been
criticised for absolutely everything
from her negotiating,
to her clothes, to her shoes,
and then she finally tries
to get one bit of respite, one bit
by just going "Look, I'm just
going to have a break and I'm just
going to go abroad and I'm
going to do the one thing that
still brings me an ounce of joy."
"Dance."
And we're all like, "Oh you're
shit at that as well."
APPLAUSE.
OK, at the end of that
round the points go
to Ed, Kerry and Rhys.
APPLAUSE.
Now we play a round
called Who Dairys Wins.
This game involves Tom
Allen and Rhys James.
If you could make your way
to the performance area, please.
This round is a stand-up challenge.
I launch the Wheel of News,
and wherever it chooses to stop,
one of our performers must step
forward and talk about that subject.
OK, here we go,
let's spin the wheel.
The first subject is race.
Who wants to come in on that?
LAUGHTER.
I remember that day.
The inter-racial arm wrestling
world championships.
I'm a white man.
I'm...
Thank you.
I'm a white man, which means that
a lot of people hate me these days.
But I'm a white man,
so it doesn't matter.
Not just that, I'm a young, white,
middle class, straight man.
In the game of life,
that is what's called a royal flush.
I hit the jackpot, OK.
I got lucky as shit so everyone
thinks my life is easy,
everyone thinks I've got it simple
but that's because they don't
know my struggle, OK, my day to day.
The shit I have to deal
with on a daily basis.
Do you know how often I'm sat
in a coffee shop and someone asks me
to watch their laptop for them?
Just let me live my life!
Yes, I am trustworthy.
But don't assume that
on my appearance, OK,
that is still discrimination.
And yes, in this Cafe Nero,
surrounded by all these mums, I'm
unlikely to steal your Dell computer
when I'm clearly already
using a MacBook Pro,
a superior laptop.
Don't get too relaxed,
I could just as easily steal that
Dell and repurpose it as a gift
for someone I don't respect.
Hard part for me about being those
five things, that royal flush
is being a comedian,
that's the hard part,
because you're constantly told
art comes from pain.
To make great art you've got
to experience pain along the way,
in childhood or whatever, and then
harness that pain and turn it
into art down the line.
But I don't know the meaning
of the word pain.
I've never experienced
any true pain.
The first time I even saw the word
pain, I was in a patisserie.
APPLAUSE.
OK, that leaves us with Tom.
Let's see what your topic is.
Let's spin the wheel.
And it's food.
Oh, OK, very similar topics.
I once went to a buffet in Reading.
And that's not even the joke.
It was organised by a woman called
Wendy and it was so beige.
It was so bland, it was like
a buffet representation of Reading.
I looked across this buffet, right,
they'd put out sausage rolls, right,
sausage rolls where they'd just
whipped off the cellophane
and put the corrugated plastic
straight down on the table.
Like we were dogs.
Then we had Scotch eggs, right?
Scotch eggs,
cut into quarters.
Apparently no-one
can eat a whole one.
Then, then we had breadsticks
displayed in a pint glass.
I thought I was at
a fucking Ukip rally.
APPLAUSE.
Then she started
putting down cold pizza
slices next to wontons.
No-one's mixed Italian and Chinese
cuisine like that since Marco Polo.
Then, then she brought out
the quadrant of dips,
you know, the four dips.
The four dips of the apocalypse!
The white one.
The OTHER white one.
Then there's a green
one, what's that?
Guacamole.
Then there's a pink one.
What's that made of, Cillit Bang?
Nobody knows.
To be honest I was just glad
to have something made
of some sort of colour.
Anyway, it was a terrible buffet
but thank you very much, Wendy.
APPLAUSE.
Very good.
Thank you very much.
The points there go to Tom.
Come and sit down again.
APPLAUSE.
Our next round is called
If This is the Answer,
What is the Question?
On the board are six categories.
Sindhu, which category
would you like?
World News.
OK, your topic is world news.
And the answer is: 120,000.
What is the question?
Is that what Donald Trump
thinks a million is?
Is it how many times
is Theresa May planning to bring
back the Brexit deal?
Or is it how many of my family
members were at my wedding?
Is that the year that
we will leave the EU?
Is it what position in
the Job Centre queue is Jeremy Kyle?
APPLAUSE & CHEERS.
Sounding oddly like
a Jeremy Kyle audience.
How ironic.
You've become the one
thing you hate.
The second half of this show
is proving Dara is my real dad.
Dara, you should have put
something on the end of it.
Like his mother.
APPLAUSE.
Whoa, whoa.
Is it how many times
the Ecuadorian Embassy have put
Julian Assange's sheets
through a hot wash?
Is it when Nando's say
unlimited refills, how many
refills do they mean?
Is it how many sex dreams I've had
about that priest in Fleabag?
Oh, gosh, yes.
Gosh, good one.
Is it how many hours of television
has Romesh done in the last month?
APPLAUSE.
Is it how many times when I refer
to my other half was I actually
talking about my bum and legs?
Is it what was Manchester
City's goal difference?
I tell you the best thing that's
happened to me in the last week.
A taxi driver mistook
me for Jurgen Klopp.
When do we come in with the answer?
LAUGHS & APPLAUSE.
Are you suggesting...?
I know that other people may
wish to, anyone else
wish to come in with it?
Or now that Tom has
decided it all has to end.
How many Eurovision Song Contests
before we win one?
How many views does the world's
least popular porn video have?
In the history of The Jeremy Kyle
Show, how many guests
have had one tooth?
Tom, do you know the answer to this?
TOM MOUTHS.
It's the number of personnel that
are thought to be sent by the US
to the Gulf in response to Iran
making moves on a war.
When you say personnel,
do you mean soldiers?
Well, no-one thought
they were going to send
out a load of typists.
People who can do a bit of admin,
cover for Julie who's off sick
today with her ankle.
Yes, is there a more
succinct, do you want...?
Is it...?
Well, I know the answer.
I read the papers unlike some of
you who just come in with a shirt.
APPLAUSE.
Is it the number of military
personnel the US are thought to be
sending to the Middle East
in response to Iran's
recent... uh... actions.
Oh, no.
Yes, it is.
Absolutely.
Thank you very much, Tom Allen.
APPLAUSE.
Yes, the question I was looking
for was how many troops is the US
talking about sending
to the Middle East, should tensions
continue to escalate with Iran?
How did President Trump
respond to perceived
aggression in the Middle East?
By slamming his fists
on the table like an angry baby.
He, he responded.
Hey, I'm walking here!
Would I be wrong to say
he responded by sending
a 120,000 military personnel?
Let's just scale this back.
They haven't sent...
Oh, they haven't sent them.
..120,000.
Just incase we initiate a war...
Oh.
So what was all that about then?
..Between the US and Iran.
That's why I said,
are THOUGHT to have sent.
Yes, no, you're absolutely right.
It was absolutely right.
It's only famous...
I was ABSOLUTELY right.
It was famously...
I thought that they were
thought to be sent.
Yeah, but you've...
Clearly what's happened, Tom,
you've not read the paper properly
and you should have concentrated
on getting a better shirt.
APPLAUSE.
Boo.
Boo.
Moving on, what new feature
on the phone app Snapchat has become
the latest viral trend?
Terrible, it's that thing
where you get to turn yourself
into another gender.
Yes, that is an app that everyone's
become slightly obsessed with.
And will not be obsessed
with in four days' time but,
nonetheless, finger on the pulse.
Everyone's just enchanted
with their own image.
Well, is that it?
Because this is the greatest
non-Game Of Thrones,
Avengers Endgame thing that's
happened in the last little while.
Your phone...
Hang on, let me see
if we can do this on a feed.
Can you pull that up?
And then I do...
Oh, no!
Oh, gosh.
What have you turned
yourself into, Dara?!
Oh, that's that round head filter.
Turned yourself into Max Headroom.
Oh, that's so beautiful.
Not that, not that.
APPLAUSE.
You're so pretty!
I don't think I am pretty.
I look like one of The Corrs.
Even with this filter,
the hair is still sort of invisible.
Yes.
Ooh, God.
Dara, you look like
the Megabus man's wife.
APPLAUSE.
I'm scared that if I do it,
I'll just look the same.
You're on the female one
so you have to bounce it.
Oh, I look like someone else.
Oh, well that's the female version.
Oh!
That is what I look
like if I don't pluck my face.
Kerry looks like the sort of man
who cuts his own hair.
That's really upsetting.
It is, and you know what?
That's why I would never do that
and that's why I don't encourage any
of my daughters to do
it because I've...
Look, I'm from India, you know,
we have great hair, not just here.
So honestly, I've spent so much
on laser and stuff so I never have
to look like my brothers and never
have a beard and then
you get this thing...
And my daughters think
it's funny and I'm like,
"Wait till you're 15.
We'll talk."
This is what I'd look
like if I got paid 25% more.
APPLAUSE.
There you go and, er, yeah...
Has anyone ever wanked
over themselves?
APPLAUSE.
Rhys, I look like your fit mum.
Rhys, I've come
to pick you up from school
wearing my shortest skirt.
APPLAUSE.
Jailbait!
Well, aren't you the cutest
little GCSE student?
Oh, hello.
There you go.
It is me, Ed Gamble.
And then if I go across a couple...
It is me, Rob Beckett.
APPLAUSE.
At the end of that round,
the points go to Ed, Kerry and Rhys.
APPLAUSE.
Now we come to Scenes We'd
Like To See, so if everyone
can make their way over
to the performance area,
I'll read out this week's
topics and then we'll see
what our panelists can come up with.
OK, here we go.
The first subject is...
Unlikely Lines From A Sci
Fi Film Or Tv Show.
OK, I've done it.
The time machine is complete.
Now your mission is to go back
to 1890 and milkshake baby Hitler.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
versus R Kelly.
This time the Predator is sexual.
We are the last survivors
of a proud people.
A people destroyed by a pointless
war, by stupidity and incompetence.
We are the Conservatives.
There's an alien in your stomach.
But it has to stay there
because that is God's
will and this is Alabama.
So I'm the blue Power Ranger,
that's the green Power Ranger,
that's the yellow Power Ranger
and over there is the white pow...
the Power Ranger who wears white.
Oh, the hyperdrive
has blown, Captain.
We'll have to get an Uber.
Luke, I am your father.
But I can't prove it because Jeremy
Kyle has gone off air.
I'm not sure what they are,
sir, they're not humans.
I think they are Kardashians.
Fire the photon ray.
Ray, fire the photon!
Yeah, Dave, it is an amazing piece
of technology sent from the future
to facilitate our species.
If you unloaded it now and then
you'd also know it was a dishwasher.
We're going to have to open up
a worm hole and go back in time.
I've just sent a dick pic to my dad.
Yeah, so the rent on this spaceship
is about 4K a month but there's also
a cafe that does a banging
avo on toast.
Anyway welcome to
the Millenial Falcon.
Captain, the galaxy has shrunk.
Oh, no, I've just got it out
of a box of Celebrations.
Warp Factor 9 in a Warp 7 limit?
HE TUTS.
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
Oh, my God, it's a slimy creature.
It appears to be humanoid in form.
It's coming out of your vagina.
No, I'm not a qualified
midwife, sorry.
What's that?
ET, phone home?
You'll be doing more
than phoning, mate.
Brexit means Brexit.
Oh, my God, is that the Terminator?
Oh, no, it can't be -
we live in Alabama.
APPLAUSE.
OK, our next topic is...
Commercials That
Never Made It To Air.
New!
Nothing In A Tin!
Does exactly what it
says on the tin!
It's two-for-one all week in Boots.
Because nobody wants one boot.
Want to stop perspiration
for 24 hours?
Then do fuck all for 24 hours.
This memory foam mattress
is perfect for a good night's
sleep and for having sex
with your husband's brother.
Mum deodorant.
For when your mum pongs a bit.
Do you suffer from
erectile dysfunction?
Have you tried looking at boobs?
Do you want to leave your children
a lump sum after you die?
Me neither.
I got my testicles trapped in
a Dyson and now we're both bagless.
Is your bed wet first
thing in the morning?
Have you got bird shit in your hair?
You need a roof!
And now in a break from usual
advertising standards,
the next commercial will not be
voiced by Hugh Dennis.
The odds
on whether I've got nodules on my
vocal cords is on your screen now.
Do you keep falling over and you're
not sure how to respond?
Try Trip Advisor.
STD clinics - because you don't
know what you've got
till it's gonorrhoea.
Why not indulge in our
new Game Of Thrones massage?
It'll go on forever and you'll
definitely not get a happy ending.
Remember - when the fun stops,
another bet may perk you up a bit.
Want a great way to lose
weight that's also good
for the environment?
Die.
Lemsip Max.
Go to work, infect other people -
no-one will know it was you.
We here at EE would like to announce
our merger with 3 Mobile.
Welcome to Threeeee.
I'm Nigel Farage.
I say we cancel Brexit and show
compassion to refugees.
Oh, have a Snickers, Nigel -
you're not you when you're hungry.
Wind chimes, for when your
neighbours don't think you're
enough of a fucking prick.
At the end of that round,
the points go to Ed, Kerry and Rhys.
APPLAUSE.
And that's the end of the show.
This week's winners are Sindhu Vee,
Hugh Dennis and Tom Allen.
APPLAUSE.
Commiserations to Rhys James,
Kerry Godliman and Ed Gamble.
APPLAUSE.
Thank you for watching.
I'm Dara O Briain.
Goodnight.
APPLAUSE.
strong language.
Hello and welcome to Mock the Week.
I'm Dara O Briain and joining me
this week are Rhys James,
Kerry Godliman and Ed Gamble.
Sindhu Vee, Hugh Dennis
and Tom Allen.
APPLAUSE.
We start with a round called
Picture Of The Week.
I show the panel a topical image
and ask them to tell
me what is happening.
So, what could possibly
be going on here?
LAUGHTER.
Well, clearly the audience have
written their own jokes.
That bloke presumably is going,
"What has come over you, Nigel?"
Is the man on the right saying,
"Well, if you can't eat
a Fruit Corner properly,
young man, it's straight
to bed with you"?
He's wearing a rosette,
so has he just won first
prize in a standing under
a massive pigeon contest?
Is this Nigel Farage straight
after one of his special dreams
about a no-deal Brexit?
Nigel is probably going, "Well,
at least I haven't been... oh, shit."
Is that lactose on the intolerant?
Is he saying, "This isn't
what I meant when I said I wanted
to meet a big Geordie bird
for messy fun"?
Ironically, he's been hit
with fast food, you know,
considering the Whopper he told
about how easy it
was to leave the EU.
It was actually, the food
was from Five Guys.
Do you want to make
a joke about that?
Yeah, I have Five Guys for...
Yes!
Please, please, please!
He just got milkshaked, didn't he?
That's what happened to him.
Absolutely.
It happens all over the place.
Yes, indeed.
Thank you very, very much, Hugh.
You're absolutely right.
APPLAUSE.
Yes, this is leader
of the Brexit Party
Nigel Farage in Newcastle,
having just been covered in
milkshake by a protester,
an action which has been
condemned by people on all
sides of the debate.
And us, too!
Right...
The polls have just closed
in the European election
when this show goes out.
I know, it's so sad!
Oh, I was really getting
into it as well.
And the Brexit Party is expected
to gain the most seats in those
European Parliamentary Elections.
You'd think with that shirt,
they would have thrown
strawberry milkshake to match.
If anything, it should have been
a chocolate milkshake.
Let's face it.
The whole principle of, you know,
being a bodyguard doesn't apply
to milkshake, does it?
You're meant to throw yourself in...
Do you think it will be reflected
in the next series of the Bodyguard,
where he has to look after someone,
someone who is lactose intolerant?
Seems like a great plot device.
I don't believe it anyway, I think
this is a new right wing tactic.
Any time someone asks you a question
you don't want to answer just get
a milkshake thrown at you by one
of your team.
Going, "Farage, do you take
donations from Arron Banks?"
"Bring in the milkshake,
I need the salted caramel!"
It is one of these things
when you're allowed to be,
have a dial on your outrage,
I think, which is a thing that
would have a tendency to forget.
Everything is like, "yeah!"
"No!", "yeah!"
and it's like "You have to condemn
this entirely" and you're
going, "Oh yeah, of course,
we're condemning, it but we're
condemning it comensurate to it's
a milkshake on a suit.
People going "Oh, it's a milkshake
today, but tomorrow
it genuinely could be acid".
Yeah, OK, on a case-by-case
basis, we will take that
significantly more seriously!
"It's a milkshake today
but tomorrow, what if it's
a ninja throwing star?"
"You'll have given them any right
to condemn the ninja throwing star."
"What if the next week it's a grand
piano with a catapult?"
"And if it's an anvil on a rope?"
Didn't McDonalds put up
a sign saying "We're not
going to serve milkshakes today"?
They were told by the police
in Edinburgh not to sell milkshakes.
Burger King tweeted to say "Oh,
we don't mind, we're going to sell
milkshakes."
And they're like some sort
of like sassy friend outside
the pub, going "you're
drunk" and trying to...
"I'm not getting involved,
I'm not getting involved",
and Burger King's like,
"Go on, I'll have a go!"
"At Burger King,
we'll hold your coat."
By the way, have you seen,
did you see the Tory
launch of their campaign?
Yes, yes, it was
brilliant in Bristol.
Oh, oh, it was amazing.
It was amazing.
Yes, it is.
Oh, it was amazing.
It's like the finest photo
of all time, it's great.
It's like, can you imagine a sad...
LAUGHTER.
There are no emojis
that match these faces.
So amazing.
This man's face.
I mean, that is literally
people at graveside.
That is.
And I know actually
Theresa May always wears very
well tailored things,
very, very strong fashion choices.
But for some reason, the sleeves
being that short just makes
it look even sadder.
Having to wedge her hands
into a child's jacket.
It's like her shoulders are now
so slumped that her arms
have started growing.
There was no-one here at this thing.
No, no-one.
No-one went.
No press, nothing.
It was just all in front of no-one.
It was like a karaoke in a cupboard.
This looks like a team that has just
absolutely fucked it
on The Apprentice.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
Yes, how have the Liberal
Democrats caught the eye
during this campaign?
Oh, by still existing.
And they've got a bit
of street cred, I reckon.
Because Vince Cable went
on the Andrew Marr Show and he said
"bollocks to Brexit".
And Andrew Marr told him off,
which is right, he was just
following medical advice,
which is to check your bollocks.
And in a way I thought
that was quite inspired
because you know bollocks
actually are very sensitive,
they're very complicated.
They're outside, but
they're still attached.
APPLAUSE.
And one is slightly
larger than the other.
So in a way, it's a perfect
metaphor for Brexit.
It wasn't that he swore,
it's because he's old.
It's like your grandad saying
boner, like you don't...
It's because he's, he's old.
I want context on that story.
I want context.
We need to hear about that
dreadful Christmas.
The Lib Dems have done so well
because what's happened is,
I remember once, there had been
a birthday party and there
was a single piece of cake left
and it belonged to my second child.
And the first one said it
belonged to him and she said
it belonged to her.
And he said "No, you're
an Islamophobe" and she said "No,
you're an anti-Semite" and then
the baby came in while they were
fighting and just took the cake
and went to the side,
ate it and bring it back.
And that's what Lib Dems have done
while these two are fighting.
My kids are not really
Islamophobe and anti-Semite,
I just thought it would give
you some context.
It's good, I mean it added
to the story but wow, it raised
questions about your parenting!
What about Labour?
Are they in it?
They're here.
They're in it.
They're a part of it as well, yeah.
For instance there's a picture
of Corbyn holding a thing.
Don't forget.
Don't forget May.
Yeah.
APPLAUSE.
It's not the right
election, either, is it?
Yeah 20...
It says that polling day is Thursday
2nd May is what that says.
Oh yes, it is.
And they did quite
badly in that one.
Why has it not worked out
for them, or why has it
been difficult for them?
Well, Jeremy Corbyn
decided that he wanted
to bring the two sides
of the Brexit argument together.
Yes.
And he has united them.
Because they've both decided they're
not going to vote Labour.
It just feels like we've been
driving forever in the middle
of nowhere and it turns
out our navigator can't read
a map and is also dead.
LAUGHTER.
Yes.
You know, like, half of us wanted
to go to the Lake District
and the other half wanted
to go to Cornwall.
And then it turns out we're just
going to have to go to Skegness.
And I don't think
anybody wanted that.
I'm going to ask a question that
I think we know the answer to.
What piece of legislation
is Theresa May putting
to Parliament next month?
You're allowed three guesses
and the first two don't count.
It's her bold new offer
for withdrawal.
Presumably it's called her bold
new offer because it's just
the same thing but in bold.
No, she's saying she's calling it
a bold new offer because she's
preparing for her next job,
selling washing detergent.
It does remind you of when they
changed the name of Jif to Cif.
They're both going to end up down
the toilet, aren't they?
There's no good outcome.
This is yeah, this is Brexit deal...
with lime.
With just a hint
of spring freshness.
How can you have a new and improved
anything to do with that deal?
I mean that deal, the deal
is a rubbish deal.
It's like saying we're going to give
you a new and improved menopause.
Ugh.
I still don't want it.
You know what I mean?
And it's going to still leave me,
you know, sweaty with you know
weird bouts of fury,
kind of like her bill.
It makes me feel so sorry
for her though, for Theresa May.
Because all she's done
as prime minister is just
have the hardest job in the history
of the world.
I mean, a job so hard
that the prime minister whose idea
it was literally got off the grid.
It's ridiculous, all she's done
for three years, she's been
criticised for absolutely everything
from her negotiating,
to her clothes, to her shoes,
and then she finally tries
to get one bit of respite, one bit
by just going "Look, I'm just
going to have a break and I'm just
going to go abroad and I'm
going to do the one thing that
still brings me an ounce of joy."
"Dance."
And we're all like, "Oh you're
shit at that as well."
APPLAUSE.
OK, at the end of that
round the points go
to Ed, Kerry and Rhys.
APPLAUSE.
Now we play a round
called Who Dairys Wins.
This game involves Tom
Allen and Rhys James.
If you could make your way
to the performance area, please.
This round is a stand-up challenge.
I launch the Wheel of News,
and wherever it chooses to stop,
one of our performers must step
forward and talk about that subject.
OK, here we go,
let's spin the wheel.
The first subject is race.
Who wants to come in on that?
LAUGHTER.
I remember that day.
The inter-racial arm wrestling
world championships.
I'm a white man.
I'm...
Thank you.
I'm a white man, which means that
a lot of people hate me these days.
But I'm a white man,
so it doesn't matter.
Not just that, I'm a young, white,
middle class, straight man.
In the game of life,
that is what's called a royal flush.
I hit the jackpot, OK.
I got lucky as shit so everyone
thinks my life is easy,
everyone thinks I've got it simple
but that's because they don't
know my struggle, OK, my day to day.
The shit I have to deal
with on a daily basis.
Do you know how often I'm sat
in a coffee shop and someone asks me
to watch their laptop for them?
Just let me live my life!
Yes, I am trustworthy.
But don't assume that
on my appearance, OK,
that is still discrimination.
And yes, in this Cafe Nero,
surrounded by all these mums, I'm
unlikely to steal your Dell computer
when I'm clearly already
using a MacBook Pro,
a superior laptop.
Don't get too relaxed,
I could just as easily steal that
Dell and repurpose it as a gift
for someone I don't respect.
Hard part for me about being those
five things, that royal flush
is being a comedian,
that's the hard part,
because you're constantly told
art comes from pain.
To make great art you've got
to experience pain along the way,
in childhood or whatever, and then
harness that pain and turn it
into art down the line.
But I don't know the meaning
of the word pain.
I've never experienced
any true pain.
The first time I even saw the word
pain, I was in a patisserie.
APPLAUSE.
OK, that leaves us with Tom.
Let's see what your topic is.
Let's spin the wheel.
And it's food.
Oh, OK, very similar topics.
I once went to a buffet in Reading.
And that's not even the joke.
It was organised by a woman called
Wendy and it was so beige.
It was so bland, it was like
a buffet representation of Reading.
I looked across this buffet, right,
they'd put out sausage rolls, right,
sausage rolls where they'd just
whipped off the cellophane
and put the corrugated plastic
straight down on the table.
Like we were dogs.
Then we had Scotch eggs, right?
Scotch eggs,
cut into quarters.
Apparently no-one
can eat a whole one.
Then, then we had breadsticks
displayed in a pint glass.
I thought I was at
a fucking Ukip rally.
APPLAUSE.
Then she started
putting down cold pizza
slices next to wontons.
No-one's mixed Italian and Chinese
cuisine like that since Marco Polo.
Then, then she brought out
the quadrant of dips,
you know, the four dips.
The four dips of the apocalypse!
The white one.
The OTHER white one.
Then there's a green
one, what's that?
Guacamole.
Then there's a pink one.
What's that made of, Cillit Bang?
Nobody knows.
To be honest I was just glad
to have something made
of some sort of colour.
Anyway, it was a terrible buffet
but thank you very much, Wendy.
APPLAUSE.
Very good.
Thank you very much.
The points there go to Tom.
Come and sit down again.
APPLAUSE.
Our next round is called
If This is the Answer,
What is the Question?
On the board are six categories.
Sindhu, which category
would you like?
World News.
OK, your topic is world news.
And the answer is: 120,000.
What is the question?
Is that what Donald Trump
thinks a million is?
Is it how many times
is Theresa May planning to bring
back the Brexit deal?
Or is it how many of my family
members were at my wedding?
Is that the year that
we will leave the EU?
Is it what position in
the Job Centre queue is Jeremy Kyle?
APPLAUSE & CHEERS.
Sounding oddly like
a Jeremy Kyle audience.
How ironic.
You've become the one
thing you hate.
The second half of this show
is proving Dara is my real dad.
Dara, you should have put
something on the end of it.
Like his mother.
APPLAUSE.
Whoa, whoa.
Is it how many times
the Ecuadorian Embassy have put
Julian Assange's sheets
through a hot wash?
Is it when Nando's say
unlimited refills, how many
refills do they mean?
Is it how many sex dreams I've had
about that priest in Fleabag?
Oh, gosh, yes.
Gosh, good one.
Is it how many hours of television
has Romesh done in the last month?
APPLAUSE.
Is it how many times when I refer
to my other half was I actually
talking about my bum and legs?
Is it what was Manchester
City's goal difference?
I tell you the best thing that's
happened to me in the last week.
A taxi driver mistook
me for Jurgen Klopp.
When do we come in with the answer?
LAUGHS & APPLAUSE.
Are you suggesting...?
I know that other people may
wish to, anyone else
wish to come in with it?
Or now that Tom has
decided it all has to end.
How many Eurovision Song Contests
before we win one?
How many views does the world's
least popular porn video have?
In the history of The Jeremy Kyle
Show, how many guests
have had one tooth?
Tom, do you know the answer to this?
TOM MOUTHS.
It's the number of personnel that
are thought to be sent by the US
to the Gulf in response to Iran
making moves on a war.
When you say personnel,
do you mean soldiers?
Well, no-one thought
they were going to send
out a load of typists.
People who can do a bit of admin,
cover for Julie who's off sick
today with her ankle.
Yes, is there a more
succinct, do you want...?
Is it...?
Well, I know the answer.
I read the papers unlike some of
you who just come in with a shirt.
APPLAUSE.
Is it the number of military
personnel the US are thought to be
sending to the Middle East
in response to Iran's
recent... uh... actions.
Oh, no.
Yes, it is.
Absolutely.
Thank you very much, Tom Allen.
APPLAUSE.
Yes, the question I was looking
for was how many troops is the US
talking about sending
to the Middle East, should tensions
continue to escalate with Iran?
How did President Trump
respond to perceived
aggression in the Middle East?
By slamming his fists
on the table like an angry baby.
He, he responded.
Hey, I'm walking here!
Would I be wrong to say
he responded by sending
a 120,000 military personnel?
Let's just scale this back.
They haven't sent...
Oh, they haven't sent them.
..120,000.
Just incase we initiate a war...
Oh.
So what was all that about then?
..Between the US and Iran.
That's why I said,
are THOUGHT to have sent.
Yes, no, you're absolutely right.
It was absolutely right.
It's only famous...
I was ABSOLUTELY right.
It was famously...
I thought that they were
thought to be sent.
Yeah, but you've...
Clearly what's happened, Tom,
you've not read the paper properly
and you should have concentrated
on getting a better shirt.
APPLAUSE.
Boo.
Boo.
Moving on, what new feature
on the phone app Snapchat has become
the latest viral trend?
Terrible, it's that thing
where you get to turn yourself
into another gender.
Yes, that is an app that everyone's
become slightly obsessed with.
And will not be obsessed
with in four days' time but,
nonetheless, finger on the pulse.
Everyone's just enchanted
with their own image.
Well, is that it?
Because this is the greatest
non-Game Of Thrones,
Avengers Endgame thing that's
happened in the last little while.
Your phone...
Hang on, let me see
if we can do this on a feed.
Can you pull that up?
And then I do...
Oh, no!
Oh, gosh.
What have you turned
yourself into, Dara?!
Oh, that's that round head filter.
Turned yourself into Max Headroom.
Oh, that's so beautiful.
Not that, not that.
APPLAUSE.
You're so pretty!
I don't think I am pretty.
I look like one of The Corrs.
Even with this filter,
the hair is still sort of invisible.
Yes.
Ooh, God.
Dara, you look like
the Megabus man's wife.
APPLAUSE.
I'm scared that if I do it,
I'll just look the same.
You're on the female one
so you have to bounce it.
Oh, I look like someone else.
Oh, well that's the female version.
Oh!
That is what I look
like if I don't pluck my face.
Kerry looks like the sort of man
who cuts his own hair.
That's really upsetting.
It is, and you know what?
That's why I would never do that
and that's why I don't encourage any
of my daughters to do
it because I've...
Look, I'm from India, you know,
we have great hair, not just here.
So honestly, I've spent so much
on laser and stuff so I never have
to look like my brothers and never
have a beard and then
you get this thing...
And my daughters think
it's funny and I'm like,
"Wait till you're 15.
We'll talk."
This is what I'd look
like if I got paid 25% more.
APPLAUSE.
There you go and, er, yeah...
Has anyone ever wanked
over themselves?
APPLAUSE.
Rhys, I look like your fit mum.
Rhys, I've come
to pick you up from school
wearing my shortest skirt.
APPLAUSE.
Jailbait!
Well, aren't you the cutest
little GCSE student?
Oh, hello.
There you go.
It is me, Ed Gamble.
And then if I go across a couple...
It is me, Rob Beckett.
APPLAUSE.
At the end of that round,
the points go to Ed, Kerry and Rhys.
APPLAUSE.
Now we come to Scenes We'd
Like To See, so if everyone
can make their way over
to the performance area,
I'll read out this week's
topics and then we'll see
what our panelists can come up with.
OK, here we go.
The first subject is...
Unlikely Lines From A Sci
Fi Film Or Tv Show.
OK, I've done it.
The time machine is complete.
Now your mission is to go back
to 1890 and milkshake baby Hitler.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
versus R Kelly.
This time the Predator is sexual.
We are the last survivors
of a proud people.
A people destroyed by a pointless
war, by stupidity and incompetence.
We are the Conservatives.
There's an alien in your stomach.
But it has to stay there
because that is God's
will and this is Alabama.
So I'm the blue Power Ranger,
that's the green Power Ranger,
that's the yellow Power Ranger
and over there is the white pow...
the Power Ranger who wears white.
Oh, the hyperdrive
has blown, Captain.
We'll have to get an Uber.
Luke, I am your father.
But I can't prove it because Jeremy
Kyle has gone off air.
I'm not sure what they are,
sir, they're not humans.
I think they are Kardashians.
Fire the photon ray.
Ray, fire the photon!
Yeah, Dave, it is an amazing piece
of technology sent from the future
to facilitate our species.
If you unloaded it now and then
you'd also know it was a dishwasher.
We're going to have to open up
a worm hole and go back in time.
I've just sent a dick pic to my dad.
Yeah, so the rent on this spaceship
is about 4K a month but there's also
a cafe that does a banging
avo on toast.
Anyway welcome to
the Millenial Falcon.
Captain, the galaxy has shrunk.
Oh, no, I've just got it out
of a box of Celebrations.
Warp Factor 9 in a Warp 7 limit?
HE TUTS.
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
Oh, my God, it's a slimy creature.
It appears to be humanoid in form.
It's coming out of your vagina.
No, I'm not a qualified
midwife, sorry.
What's that?
ET, phone home?
You'll be doing more
than phoning, mate.
Brexit means Brexit.
Oh, my God, is that the Terminator?
Oh, no, it can't be -
we live in Alabama.
APPLAUSE.
OK, our next topic is...
Commercials That
Never Made It To Air.
New!
Nothing In A Tin!
Does exactly what it
says on the tin!
It's two-for-one all week in Boots.
Because nobody wants one boot.
Want to stop perspiration
for 24 hours?
Then do fuck all for 24 hours.
This memory foam mattress
is perfect for a good night's
sleep and for having sex
with your husband's brother.
Mum deodorant.
For when your mum pongs a bit.
Do you suffer from
erectile dysfunction?
Have you tried looking at boobs?
Do you want to leave your children
a lump sum after you die?
Me neither.
I got my testicles trapped in
a Dyson and now we're both bagless.
Is your bed wet first
thing in the morning?
Have you got bird shit in your hair?
You need a roof!
And now in a break from usual
advertising standards,
the next commercial will not be
voiced by Hugh Dennis.
The odds
on whether I've got nodules on my
vocal cords is on your screen now.
Do you keep falling over and you're
not sure how to respond?
Try Trip Advisor.
STD clinics - because you don't
know what you've got
till it's gonorrhoea.
Why not indulge in our
new Game Of Thrones massage?
It'll go on forever and you'll
definitely not get a happy ending.
Remember - when the fun stops,
another bet may perk you up a bit.
Want a great way to lose
weight that's also good
for the environment?
Die.
Lemsip Max.
Go to work, infect other people -
no-one will know it was you.
We here at EE would like to announce
our merger with 3 Mobile.
Welcome to Threeeee.
I'm Nigel Farage.
I say we cancel Brexit and show
compassion to refugees.
Oh, have a Snickers, Nigel -
you're not you when you're hungry.
Wind chimes, for when your
neighbours don't think you're
enough of a fucking prick.
At the end of that round,
the points go to Ed, Kerry and Rhys.
APPLAUSE.
And that's the end of the show.
This week's winners are Sindhu Vee,
Hugh Dennis and Tom Allen.
APPLAUSE.
Commiserations to Rhys James,
Kerry Godliman and Ed Gamble.
APPLAUSE.
Thank you for watching.
I'm Dara O Briain.
Goodnight.
APPLAUSE.