Mock the Week (2005–…): Season 21, Episode 7 - The History of... Part 2 - full transcript

This programme contains some strong
language and adult humour

Hello and welcome to the history
of Mock The Week part two,

now the later years.

Hope you enjoy it.

The only piece of really
exciting memorabilia

we found was on sale at Asda
during the week.

This is great for a number of
reasons,

not least the name of it -
it's called Wearing Flag.

"I got me Wearing Flag!"

It has been slightly,

slightly controversial this one,
for reasons...



I can't quite figure

why it has been
as controversial as it has been.

That is...

I can't see any...

...any kind of negative connotations
with this at all.

I tell you what, that Gandalf has
let himself go, hasn't he?

Romesh,
if you were walking down the street

and a number of men, enthusiastic
English supporters happened

to be walking down the street
towards you, they had just

been to Asda, they had also bought
the burnable lawn crosses...

It's bizarre.

"Oh, you'll find the Dexter will be
quite operational...

You look racist but you look
so adorable.

What unusual present might people be
giving this Christmas?



It's actually sperm, isn't it? It is
sperm. Yes, it is sperm.

That is not an unusual gift.

Horrific return policy.

Use that 14 days. Um...

Oh, he's lowered the tone!
How have I ruined it?

No, because you got to go in,
haven't you?

You've got to go into the bank.

I don't know about anyone else, I do
most of my banking online now, so...

Moving on. OK,
what is going on here?

This is me and my homies going
to the sperm bank.

They were actually very lucky to
get this shot at all

because this is the Zanussi's new
walking, talking washing machine.

I know I don't take
part in these rounds,

but it does look like somebody
bleached the Minions.

This is
the state of dogging in 2020.

Is it going for a walk in Tier 5?

It looks like someone has
bleached the Minions.

You what?

Guess which
one of those is going to get used.

That's industrial espionage,
actually.

Little do you know, there is
a volcano just there,

and this is actually how
they make lava lamps.

It looks like someone has
bleached the Minions.

I'm just giving them options ,Dara.
I tell you what,

it looks like someone has
bleached the Minions.

That's a choice of three.

Four!
At least allow me into the choice.

I am quite glad to see that
the COVID restrictions haven't

hit the porn industry too hard.

But it does look a bit like someone
has bleached the Minions.

I'm not joining in again. That's it.

15 years I waited to join in, I
finally joined in and you bullied me

out of it.

And here on in I just do
the buzzing. That's all I do.

BUZZER
That's my life.

Can anyone tell us what it actually
is? It could be two things.

Either...

I think this is
a story about America,

where they found a massive
hornets nest.

There is a sort of Asian type
of hornet which has

made its way into North America...
Could be that.

...which they have got rid of with
a vacuum thing. Or...

...someone has bleached the Minions.

It's probably not worth it now.
Go on! Do it! Do it! Stop it!

Oh, welcome to the salon.

Yes, we've actually got
a special on for Wookies

Yes, we are doing a waxing.

It's for your Chewbacca, sack a
and crack a.

That would be great.

You should do it during the
Star Wars topic rather than...

I got so overwhelmed.
This is so overwhelming for me.

I get very overwhelmed.

It IS an unlikely thing to
hear during an election campaign.

A commercial that never
made it to air.

Mr Muscle loves the job you hate,

apart from blow jobs.

He doesn't do blow jobs.

Yes, we have got a special on at
the salon today. Yes, for Wookies.

Yes, it's a waxer for your
Chewbacca, sack a and crack a.

Thank you so much.

That was Tom Allen with
Jedi For The Straight Guy.

Private Browsing. Yes. Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

I don't know why
I'm doing it like Benny Hill.

At your service, Madam.

No, it would be like -
what's that thing -

that paper clip that would appear.

It looks like you are buying
some pornography.

And a small animated soldier comes
out and says,

"Do you want to look at the porn?"

Private Browsing could help you with
that.

I'm amusing myself here.

It's the last record of a long
summer, you know.

I've got to enjoy this,

because in three days' time I'll
be going, "Over the next 12 weeks,

"20 candidates will be putting
themselves in front of Alan Sugar.

Private Browsing is going to get
himself into this.

He's going to get some
fucking hammering.

I think your penis is going to get
some Corporal Punishment.

There'll be some Major Damage.

And General Recklessness. Yes.

What do you... And Colonel Abrams.

Colonel Abrams!

Sorry, we'll bring it back.

Sorry, do I have to carry on with
the show? Yeah, whatever.

You boys have got a shared past
we can only imagine about.

If they wanted to compare it to
a film that brought suffering to

millions, they should
have compared it to that

one about Princess of Monaco
of Kent. No. Is that her name?

It's Princess... I don't know her
fucking name!

I just thought it was a terrible
film.

Princess Grace of Monaco.

"Princess Monaco of Kent."

My magic powers are strong.

Put any penis in my hand
and watch it grow.

Your Majesty, I have
ridden here for two weeks

on horseback to deliver this
important message from your brother.

Ehhhhh!

What did French police recently
lose at Marseille airport?

Was it Princess Monaco of Kent?

Do you know what, Gary?

When you get one thing wrong,
they can be very mean on this show,

can't they? Yes. Oh, come on,

this is happy, this nice
Mock The Week, right?

We talk a lot about
Winston Churchill's achievement

but we don't talk nearly
enough about

that ass!

"Well, Cinderella,"
she said, "I'm your fairy princess,

"Princess of Monaco of Kent."

You need to powder Romesh, OK.

I shouldn't have announced that.

You could have just quietly
powdered Romesh instead.

You do look a bit peaky. Yeah.

The, uh, brown is wearing off.

Why do I want a crown?
Well, I'm Princess Monaco of Kent.

This is most unusual, madam. You
don't seem to have any teeth at all.

What's that?
You are here for a smear test?

That's next door.

OK, the next topic is...

See, if I had added Princess
of Monaco

of fucking Kent to get that,
I'd have been fine.

If Brexit is a draw, does it go to
penalties or is there another one?

I think at the minute the whole
thing is even more confusing

than it has been. That is
why it is always...

The whole in and out thing,
everyone is finding it difficult.

Yeah. In and out is a very
hard decision.

It's like the other day my flatmate
was making me a peppermint tea

and he said "Would you like the bag
leaving in or taken out?"

And it's very hard cos
if you leave the bag in then

over time the cup of tea
itself as a whole will get stronger

and it might appear that the bag
is getting weaker,

but it is now part
of a stronger cup of tea.

Whereas, if you take the bag out,

the tea is now quite weak

and the bag itself goes
directly in the bin.

That may be the smartest thing
anyone has said

in the last two months.

Shopping rude—o with Trudeau!

The thing is though,
I only like Trudeau

because his name sounds like
when someone from Croydon is

trying to convince you
that they're not lying.

"True doe, innit!"

I could not deliver that joke.
I could not land that joke.

You could, though.
You could just change it to Ireland.

IRISH ACCENT: "It's true doe."

True enough, doe.

DRUNKEN VOICE: Hello!

And welcome to Cooking
After You've Come Home Pissed.

Tonight we're doing a Cup-a-Soup

that's slightly gone past
its best before date,

but it tastes a bit better
if you put some HP Sauce in it.

Part man, part machine...

part bird, part drum.

It's Robo Bongo Cuckoo Cop.

LAUGHTER

Thank you very much.

And then Paddington told
the lady bear to brace herself

before flipping her over and
opening a fresh jar of marmalade.

Welcome to Sun Hill Police Station,

I'm PC Every British Actor's
First TV Gig

and this is Sergeant
Too Ugly For Hollyoaks.

Hello, I'm Nigel la Lawson

and welcome to
the non-innuendo cookery hour

where we'll be teaching you
how to cock...cook, dick, wank...

Anyone can make this.

You can't, Beatrice.

Sorry, you can't beat rice.

Let's just all go home!
Let's just go home.

DRUNKEN VOICE: Welcome to another
edition of Cooking When Pissed!

In this one, you just stick it
in the oven, turn it up to 190,

have a nap.

When the smoke alarm goes off,
it's done!

We use the finest Highland cattle...

LAUGHTER

I've got toad in the hole,
so I'm just going to go to the loo,

you chat amongst yourselves.

Well, we could ask
a proper scientist about this,

or we could ask Dara O'Briain.

They call me the WiFi because

I'm not strong in the bedroom and I
go down on you during Zoom meetings.

Your first subject is -

Morning, BLEEP!

BUZZER

Just checking,
this isn't live is it?

How has a monkey sparked debate
this week?

Oh, it's the selfie monkey. It IS
the selfie monkey, you're right.

It's obviously
quite an old story,

the monkey that took the selfie
and we all liked that picture,

but now it's like in court that
who owns the rights to the image?

Yep. This is the monkey.
It's a debate as to whether

it's the photographer who owned
the camera and left it there

for the monkey to play with or...

if it is the monkey...
LAUGHTER

...who owns the right to a photo
he didn't know it was taking.

If anyone queries the cost

to stick a photograph
on something like Mock the Week,

the monkey will be sitting somewhere
in Borneo, going "cerching"!

Making that face.
Making it rain, Dara.

Making it rain!

HE MAKES MONKEY NOISES

APPLAUSE

The funny thing about this is,
is the fact that like,

how degrading for the photographer

that the greatest photo
that was ever taken

was done by a monkey, and not him.

But the monkey's not going to have
a career as a photographer.

I'm not going to go to a wedding
and they're going to go,

"Where's the photographer?”

"Masturbating and
throwing shit at the bridesmaids."

Not again anyway!

Here' our wedding photos.

It's just a load of selfies taken by
a monkey erm...obsessed with itself.

In the veil, holding the bouquet.

That had better not have
been of yourself again.

You doing a selfie again,
Selfie Monkey?

Wasting everyone's time.

OK. Now just the bride's family!

If you can't see the camera,
I can't see you.

APPLAUSE

In other news... Yeah?

...what has a Devon primary school
banned this week?

Inbreeding.

LAUGHTER

They've banned a dance, haven't
they? They've banned a dance.

A flossing dance. Flossing, yes.
Which is from Fortnite, isn't it?

It's not from Fortnite.
I don't know anything about it...

Sorry, I got very angry about that.
I really got angry.

It's not from Fortnite!

Yeah, Grandad,
get with the programme!

It's just a dance that we kids do.
Dara, can you floss?

I can floss, but I'm not going to do
the flossing. Of course you are.

ALL CHANT: Come on, floss!
Floss, floss!

ALL: Floss, floss!

CHEERING

You can do that as long as you want!

LAUGHTER

It really does have
no power over me.

I don't have to floss for anyone.
Dara...

You're approaching this all wrong.

The way to do it is very... I know
this man, it's as simple as this.

I don't believe you CAN floss.

APPLAUSE

That's very clever, but
now you've told me your method,

am I arse am I going to floss
on national television!

Dara, Suzi and I will do it
with you.

Don't get me involved in this, mate!

Hey, hey, hey,
why did I get passed by?

CHEERING

Hang on, whoa, whoa!
You start by...

Which way are we going?
That way first. That way first,

and then across over. We are
likely to make this very, very bad.

This was banned in school.

If you're watching in Devon,
turn it off now.

So I've just won my game of
Fortnite, and then...

No, there's too much space. No,
too much space. Dara, that's not it.

It's that, that...that, that...
No, no...

That, that, that...

APPLAUSE

I feel that is...
There we go, I've got it.

You've got to get into the rhythm.
I was literally doing that.

APPLAUSE

Watching that is the youngest
I've ever felt in my life.

I have to say, if anyone thinks that
that had no satirical value, right,

on a topical show,
let me just say this.

What happened there was the will
of the people was respected,

no matter how stupid the idea.

Dara, how long did it take you
to fall in love with Brian Cox?

How dare you!

Take that back!
You take that back!

He's just a better version of you!

Tell him it's not true!

Tell him it's not true!

No, it's not. It's not.

I want to take you
into space and back!

There's Uranus.
What?!

Thank you.
Come on! Come on.

Ed, Ed, all your humour
is over there, isn't it?

I literally only bring a notepad

to make it look like
I've thought of stuff.

MOCK IRISH ACCENT:
Oh, de—daw de—daw, leprechaun.

OK, the next topic is...

I know it's championship point...

but I could really do with a poo.

I wonder if my mum's watching today?

Of course she is,
she's always watching.

I wish Kim would shut up.

"Ooh, Ed Byrne, he's so funny,
he's so good—looking".

When are Athena going to make
a poster of me scratching my arse?

God, it's great having
an enormous penis.

I think I just saw
Ivan Lendl raise his eyebrow.

That means he's just ejaculated.

Who threatened to upstage
Theresa May

at this most important
moment of her career?

Oh, it was the lectern man.
Yeah. Oh, he was so fit.

I think he gives
a very unrealistic indication

of what the average sound guy
looks like.

I mean, especially as the sound guys
at Mock The Week are amongst

the ugliest people I've ever...
GOES MUTE

OK, meanwhile, how did former
Conservative MP Rory Stewart

upset two Irish musicians?

Grown-up Rhys James?

Yeah, Rhys James in the future.
How has...?

You love it when we bring this up,
don't you, babe? You love it.

What a wonderful person to
look like.

It is the...

LAUGHTER
Every time, every time.

APPLAUSE

I think that's unfair,

because he looks like a
zombie of Rhys James,

which is double spooky,

because Rhys already looks like
a ghost.

Isn't it infuriating that
when Ed gets a lookalike,

it's someone from Love Island,
a TV show about sexy people.

And when I get one,

it's a 46—year—old Tory
who looks like a haunted puppet.

LAUGHTER

It really just looks like your bit
of hair that's folded over

has just flipped up a bit.

But what did he get? Tell me again,
what is it that he...?

How did he get in trouble?

So, he had a video of him meeting
two Irish musicians

who happened to be black,
in Brick Lane,

and he refers to them later on
as "minor gangsters".

Now you can't just assume that
everyone that you meet is black,

that is black is a...

LAUGHTER

Yeah, that would be a weird
assumption.

You're right, Angela, you can't,
can't do that, yeah.

I did that for many years.

That is the most woke thing
I have ever heard in my life.

I don't,
I'm not assuming you're black...

Oh, oh, I can't wait to see
that on the blooper reel. Oh!

APPLAUSE

There was a woman in my village,
up in Yorkshire,

we lived in like a dip, like that,

and there was a woman in my village,
no-one knew her name, she was just

known as Ten To Two
because whenever it got icy,

she used to walk down the hill with
her feet like that going,

"Ten To Two, Ten To Two..."

And no-one ever found out her name.

Even in the summer,
people would be like,

"There's Ten To Two, Ten To Two..."

Maisie, you get more Yorkshire
every week on this show.

I never thought I'd hear from you...

YORKSHIRE ACCENT: "When I was in
Yorkshire, we lived in a dip."

"She fell down dip one day,
she became Half Past Six."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Moving on, what new feature
on the phone app Snapchat has become

the latest viral trend?

Terrible. It's that thing where you

get to turn yourself into another
gender.

Yes, that is an app that everyone
has become slightly obsessed with.

Your phone... Hang on, let me see
if we can do this on a feed.

Can you pull that up?
And then I do...

CHEERING

WOLF WHISTLES

Aah, you're so pretty!

I don't think I'm pretty.

I look like one of the Corrs.

What's good about it is,
even with this filter,

the hair is still sort of invisible.

I'll tell you what you look...
She's back!

Dara, you look like the Megabus
man's wife.

I'm scared if I do it,
I'll just look the same.

You're on the female one,
so you have to, um...

Oh, I look like someone else.

Yeah, well that's the female
version.

APPLAUSE

Oh, my God!

That is what I look like
if 1 don't pluck my face.

He looks like the sort of man
who cuts his own hair.

This is what I'd look like
if |1 got paid 25% more.

LAUGHTER

There you have, um, yeah.

Has anyone ever wanked over
themselves?

LAUGHTER

Rhys, I look like your fit mum.

It's real...

"Rhys, I've come to pick you up
from school

"wearing my shortest skirt."

Jail bait!

Well, aren't you the cutest
little GCSE student?

There you go, "It is me, Ed Gamble".

And if I go across a couple...

"It is me, Rob Beckett".

OK, the next topic is...

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five,

four, three, two, one.

Oh, and some prawn crackers, thanks.

Charlie couldn't believe
he was being

allowed into the chocolate factory.

His girlfriend had been
dead against it for years.

Welcome to Hootenanny,

the topless bar for the gentleman
who prefers the older lady.

Oh, the England manager, him. Yes.

I wear a lot of waistcoats as well,
may I say,

so I don't think it's exclusively
Gareth South gate

who's made them popular.

All I'm saying, Gareth, is
"I see you.

"If you shoot for the King,
you'd better not miss.”

Yes, rectal exams can often
be awkward.

I find it lightens the mood
if 1 sing a little song

while I'm doing it.

# One finger,
one thumb, keep moving... #

LAUGHTER

Last year's New Year's party really
ended with a bang for me

when I drunkenly mistook a party
popper for a tampon.

We had a harp in our house. Only
the Prince of Wales could afford.

We had a harp in our house, thank
you very much. How Irish are you?!

I'm unbelievably Irish.
A harp in your house!

I am the most Irish person of all.

Come dance with me in Ireland!

We had a harp in the house, yeah.

Were the poor children of your town

allowed to come and play the harp?
No.

Or did they have their own?
They would dance as I played.

They would dance as I played.

There will come a court case

when they will replay
this as evidence.

Yes. I come from a very different
world.

Did you have anything...?

Did you have clothes
that you could put on

when you were playing the harp?
No, I played it naked.

That's how you play the harp.

You straddle it.
You straddle the harp naked.

A leg on either side, right?

But you hold your genitals
close into the round bit

so that they're not there and then
you...

Not if you're drunk, if you're drunk
you just bang it with your lad.

Bing—bing—bong!

I challenge you all.

None of you can play the harp with
your penis like I can. None of you!

It's our man here who can play
the harp with his penis!

Did you just call it your lad?!

Your lad. That's what you call it.
No, it's not.

Your lad. Well, in harp-playing
country,

that's what you call it, right?

No wonder Obama was looking
surprised.

Ah, well that's
the NATO Summit covered.

Oh, this show, this show, man.
It makes some points.

It makes some points satirically.
You know?

What's wrong, Britain?
Too much truth for you?

We start with a round called
Picture Of The Week.

In this round, I show the panel
a topical image

and ask them to tell me what's
happening.

So, what's happening here?

There you go, ladies and gentlemen,
the end of comedy, that's it.

There's literally nothing we can add
to this particular story

once we've shown that picture,
that's it.

It's all over, folks.
Time to go home.

That picture has finished it.

250 years of satire and it's now
done. That's it.

I'm telling you. Everything.

APPLAUSE