Mixology (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 9 - Dominic & Kacey - full transcript
This is the story of 10 strangers,
one night, and all the stupid,
embarrassing, ridiculous things we do...
To find love.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Okay, what the hell was that?
What? I'm just saying "hey".
No. You said, "hey,"
like, very seductively.
Well, that's just how I
talk. I'm always seductive.
I can't turn it off.
Okay, here's the deal.
I have dumped you, like, 9 times tonight,
but you keep flirting
with me, and do I like it?
Yes. Of course I like it.
Flirting is my favorite thing to do ever.
But I have another offer
on the table right now,
and it is a good one.
So we need to figure
this out once and for all.
Either we take our relationship
to the next level...
You know, become hardcore
boyfriend/girlfriend,
talk about our feelings, get a dog,
you come visit West Greentree,
I go to wherever it is in
south America you're from.
Or we shut this thing down forever, okay?
So? What do you want to do?
Hmm. Okay, let's take our
relationship to the next level, then.
Shut up.
I am so glad we decided to
have a second first date.
It's been nice to get
to know the real girl.
All right, starting over?
Starting over.
- Completely honest?
- Disgustingly honest.
Okay.
I'm a single mom from New Jersey
with two kids and a crappy job.
And when I play board games
with my kids, sometimes I cheat.
Uh, Shallow Bachelor, failed entrepreneur,
no kids that I'm aware of.
And if I were to play board
games with your children,
I would definitely cheat every single time.
Kids learn so much from losing.
- They deserve it.
- Absolutely.
Oh, my God. They are
so wrong for each other.
- Mm-hmm.
- Jessica is all, "blah, blah, blah.
I have beautiful hair and a flawless body."
Whatever.
I'm so over him. He's so gross...
And charming.
Your friend is drunk.
I... look at her. Ahh.
Yeah, I know.
- I'm not. No, I'm not, guys.
- I'm totally...
I burp when I'm sober, too. You know that.
What do you mean, you have a date
with our waitress at 2:00 A.M.?
I have a date with Kacey at 2:00 A.M.
What is so confusing?
What are you gonna do at 2:00 A.M., Cal?
You gonna go to the State Fair?
I love State Fairs.
Yeah, everybody loves State Fairs, man.
There's... there's clowns
and pony rides for the kids...
Something for everybody.
No, offense, dude, but I hate your friend.
He's not my friend. I
thought he was your friend.
Really? You think he'd be my friend?
He cuffs his jeans.
So why are we talking to him?
I don't know. I didn't
even see him sit down.
He must have magically appeared.
Hey, do you guys like sailing?
- Must be Tom's friend.
- Tom's friend.
Yeah.
Hey, uh, can I get two drafts and
a vodka tonic with lots of lime?
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Hey, can I ask you something?
- Yeah.
I saw you crying before.
You seem very emotional.
You know, like a girl.
Well, uh, I...
Uh, that's not the question.
The question is, uh...
- How do you do relationship stuff?
- What do you mean?
This girl I'm sleeping with, she asked me
if I wanted to be boyfriends/girlfriends.
So I go, "y-yeah," you know?
I don't know. 'Cause I like her. Yeah.
You know, she's sexy and she talks like
she's on drugs, but she's not on drugs.
You know, that's just how she talks.
Oh, my God. You guys
make such a cute couple.
Oh, no. That wasn't her.
What? Was it bad, what I just did?
What is this? The first
relationship you've ever had?
Yeah.
Look, I always thought relationships
were for, uh, old people or lesbians.
No, no, no. That's not...
God, that is kind of true.
Look, if you're gonna be in a
relationship, there are a lot of rules.
Like what?
Like you can't spank other girls' butts.
I-I honestly didn't know that.
W-w-what else?
Y-you want me to tell you every
single rule in relationships?
Yeah.
Absolutely. Oh, my God.
This is gonna be so fun.
Wait.
How do I get a big butt? Oh.
Like, are there exercises
I could do to get a big...
Like a...
Okay. I'll stay. Thank you.
Like a butt... Bubble butt.
Don't you think I... Hey, ladies.
What can I get you guys tonight?
Oh, my God! We missed you! Oh!
So, one water-tini for you.
Yeah, and I'm gonna have a single malt.
Yeah, ditto.
Okay, I have to tell someone,
or I'm going to explode.
So I met this really great guy tonight,
I mean, totally cute, nice, and just as
things were about to heat up with him,
my on-again/off-again BF comes back.
Fast-forward, I am dating
the hot bartender. Ohh.
- Fascinating. Okay.
- What?
I mean, the truth is, I
really like this new guy.
But when your old flame
finally tells you, "I love you,"
you got to get up on that.
You know what I mean?
And he didn't say, "I love
you," verbally with his mouth,
but he said it with his eyes...
Mm... And his chest and...
Oh, my God. Are you crying?
I am just so damn happy for you.
Oh, thank you.
I'm happy for me, too.
- Okay, round of drinks.
- Yes.
- Water.
- Yes.
Go to him.
Ohh, they're so romantic.
I know you don't hear it very often,
but the drunk girl is right.
Kacey and Dom have a surprisingly
romantic history together.
It all started a few months ago.
You're so beautiful.
Thank you, Dominic.
And with that, the
fairy-tale romance had begun.
The very next night, Dominic
asked Kacey out for the first time.
There's this cool little after-hours place
where we could have a few
drinks, watch the sunrise.
I'd love for you to come.
I would love to come into your sunrise.
Okay.
And like all fairy tales,
there was a magical first kiss.
You didn't have to do all this.
Yes, I did.
Sadly, unlike most fairy tales,
this one turned into a lot
of sex in the back of a bar.
But Kacey never forgot how they had started
and longed to get back
to that romantic place.
Not that the sex was bad, because
the sex definitely wasn't bad.
Okay, I'm gonna go check on table
24 and then I'm gonna come back
and then we're gonna talk a lot more.
Okay.
Okay.
Sorry.
Dude, my new girlfriend, she's
talking to me all the time now.
- That's wonderful.
- No, no.
She's telling me what she did,
what she's doing now,
what she's gonna do next.
Man, that's a lot of information.
What am I supposed to do with that?
Well, that's what
relationships are all about...
Listening to women talk.
Now, if you really want to get her
going, ask her about her feelings.
That's when it gets really exciting.
Okay. Well, what else?
Well, um, a good boyfriend knows
everything about his girlfriend.
Yeah, like her name.
Yeah, like her name and...
And also her birthday
and her food allergies and
why she resents her mother...
Everything.
Also, y-you need to keep things fresh.
You know, surprise her. Give
her flowers or a back rub.
Huh.
And that brings us to lovemaking.
Yeah. Yeah, right, man.
Yeah, I got that covered.
Don't worry about it.
I wouldn't be so sure.
I mean, I've never had casual sex before.
But from everything I've read, it is
very different than relationship sex.
Say more.
When you have relationship sex,
you make eye contact constantly.
Caress her face and hair gently.
Whisper thoughtful... Sometimes even
pre-written... Things in her ear to...
To boost her self-esteem and
encourage her to keep going.
And remember, t-the only
orgasm that matters is hers.
Now, after making sweet and,
hopefully, tearful love to her,
ask her if she had a nice time and if
there's any areas in your performance
that could be improved.
Then you spoon her for three hours.
Three hours?!
That's the best part.
Oh. Right? I mean, that was the first
time I swam with a school of angelfish.
Okay, dude, if Tom doesn't get back
soon, I'm gonna stab this guy in the face.
He really likes Scuba.
Look, guys. I carried three glasses.
Hi. I'm Tom.
Phil. Great to meet you. Yeah.
I was just telnghe guys about
my Scuba trip to Bermuda.
Oh, my God. That sounds
fascinating. Please continue
If he's not friends
with Tom or you or me,
why is he talking to us?
Oh, Cal.
W-w-w-what?
We have an interloper.
No!
And not just because it's
literally brimming with seashells.
Damn it!
I'm gonna order lots of water.
You bitches want some nachos?
Wait. Where did you get those?
I found them on the way over
here. They're really cold.
Guys, you should eat, you guys.
You don't want to get drunk.
Oh, no. Oh, my God.
They're still talking?
What are they talking
about? How fake she is?
I'm just kidding.
She seems really down-to-earth.
I just don't know her flaws,
so I had to make that up.
Wait. Whose drink is that?
Hey. Hey. She just found it on the table.
My God, now she's whispering in his ear.
What? They have secrets?
Liv, okay, first of all,
you're still engaged to Jim,
and Ron can talk to whoever he wants to.
I know!
Ron and I aren't married.
Who said anything about me marrying Ron?
- No one.
- Literally, just no one.
My biggest concern about marrying Ron
is that our kids will have,
like, weird British nicknames
like Ringo and Dummy.
Oh, my God. I don't
know how to ride a horse.
Watch my nachos.
I'm gonna call Jim and tell
him our engagement is off.
What? Hey, Liv. Get back here.
Uh, no, no, no, no, no.
You forgot your shoe.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How are your feelings?
Good.
Good.
The truth is, Scuba's not just a hobby.
It's a lifestyle.
Well, I'm sold. I'm
getting certified tomorrow.
You know, I've always wondered
why Scuba isn't an olympic sport,
but I guess it would be
difficult to judge who's best.
Should we ask him to leave?
No, dude. We make him leave, okay?
We're gonna freeze him out. Tell Tommy.
I mean, I guess you could
measure who has the biggest smile.
I'd win. That would just be stupid.
Hey, Tom, we're going sub-zero.
We're gonna freeze him
out. Stop talking to him.
What? But I'm learning
so much about the ocean.
Bubba, when we get home, I'll
buy you a book about the ocean.
10 lifetimes of straight
Scuba to see the whole thing.
Okay.
And get this... there's 27,000
different species of fish.
Oh, man.
Kind of makes you think, huh?
I can't believe there's that many fish.
That is incredible. Our
oceans are a treasure.
- Psst! Hey! No!
- Speaking of treasure,
I once Scuba'd in the Caribbean.
Here you go, guys.
And for you.
Oh.
__________
Hmm.
Where's Dominic? Where are you?
- Surprise!
- Aah!
What the hell's wrong with you?!
Hey! Oh.
I am surprising you.
Relationships are supposed
to be full of surprises.
What is happening to us?
I feel like everything got weird the
second we decided to take our relationship
to the next level.
So, should we take our
relationship to the previous level?
No.
I don't know.
Well, um...
Well, there is one thing
we always did well together.
Uh, cutting limes?
No.
What then?
I mean, seriously, what
did we do well together?
Amazingly, my parents are
still together, too. 35 years.
- Wow. What's their secret?
- Whiskey.
I'm not even sure they
know they're still married.
Hey, watch it!
Ohh!
Ooh. She is having a tough night.
Yeah.
At this point, she should probably
just take off the other shoe, as well.
And that's one of the biggest
misconceptions about Scuba,
is that it's stupid. Yeah.
I hope you're happy.
I really think we should
consider a guys' Scuba weekend.
No! We have to leave this
awesome table right now
'cause you have some kind of man
crush on Phil, the king of Scuba.
What? No. That would hurt his feelings.
I think you're not understanding
what's happening, dude.
Phil isn't a human
being. He's an interloper.
Interloper. They don't have feelings, bro.
They just ramble on. They never shut
up. They don't pick up on social cues.
They need to be stopped immediately.
Oh, hey. I got it. This
is what we're gonna do.
On my signal, we're gonna scatter
and then meet up at the ledge.
Okay, good. What's the signal?
I'll say... "S-signal."
What? Dude, using the word "signal"
as signal? That's a terrible idea.
- What? It's a fine word for a signal.
- Wait. Did you just say "signal"?
- No, that's not the signal.
- Are you saying "signal" now?
- No, I'm not saying... I'm saying...
- You keep saying "signal."
But he said "signal" now.
I'm not giving the signal.
Well, then, how do we know when
it's gonna be the actual signal?
When I say "signal"... Text us...
Signal! Signal!
What? Give the signal. I...
What? Wait. I didn't signal.
If you were to ask me my favorite fish?
Gosh, that is a good one.
Sea horse, sea pony. No. Who am I kidding?
Who am I... Come on. It's a puffer fish.
It's not even close.
Good luck looking at a puffer fish
and not falling in love instantly.
I'm sorry, Jim. I have met someone else.
Liv! Hey, come back!
Where is she going? Okay, come here.
His name is Ron, and we're
going to have two sons...
Stadler and Bertie.
Nope. No, no, no, nope.
Jim? Okay, still ringing.
All right, I'm all for you
calling off your engagement,
but you're gonna have
to do that sober, okay?
I'm sorry, Jim. I've met someone else.
His name is Ron, and we're
going to have two sons...
Alfie and Duck.
Okay, hi. Where did you get this phone?
Some girl's purse.
Oh, some girl's purse? It's not even on.
Oh, my God! It's Molly Ringwald!
I loved you in "Pretty In Pink."
You look very pretty
in blue, as well, but...
Oh, you do.
Hi. You're done, okay?
You're going home. Mm-hmm.
Can I have her shoe, please?
Ooh, can I use your phone?
Damn it, Liv.
Where did she go?
Really big fan.
And then, in 2007, all you have to do
is show up to a meeting, say
the word "Internet" three times,
and they would just give you
millions and millions of dollars.
Now it's almost like you've got to work.
Hey. Hey, have you seen Liv?
Um, yeah. Last time I saw
her, she was hobbling that way.
Do you need help finding her?
Uh, no. We'll be fine.
This is her shoe.
So, are you and Liv a thing?
What? No. Liv? No.
We only just met tonight.
And, you know, she's officially...
Not all there.
Yeah, but what's so great
about being all there?
I'm completely all
there, and I'm miserable.
It's the loony ones who have all the fun.
Mm.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
But enough about women who aren't
you. Tell me about your horrible job.
Ooh, oh, okay.
Back at the ledge.
Yeah, well, at least we
ditched the interloper.
Totally.
Oh, my God! He's everywhere.
I forgot to ask you guys...
Are you into soccer?
Bruce love soccer.
Uh, no. Uh, pfft. Tom, please.
Phil, dude.
You can't just go up
to a group of strangers
and start talking to them
like they're your friends
and then, poof, magically,
they're your friends.
Well, then explain that to the
feelings in my heart right now.
Yeah, and explain them to
the feelings in my heart.
Look at the floor.
Philip, listen.
I get it. You look like Matt Damon.
You're cute and funny and
smart, but I don't like you.
You freak me out. You're weirding us out.
Do you want this, Tom?
Uh, Bruce won't let me
answer that right now, Phil.
That's right, Phil.
Well, it was nice meeting you all.
If you change your mind,
I'll... probably be hanging out
with those weird Swedish guys over there.
You're the heart of the ocean, Phil.
No, you're not. You're
a rock at the bottom.
Um, what, um... What are you doing?
I'm caressing your face in a loving manner.
Oh, that... Um, that's cool.
You don't really have to do that for me.
Uh...
I value your feelings and emotions.
What?
Why are you looking at me like that?
Did my eye go lazy?
Sometimes my eye goes lazy.
Uh, eye contact is how our
souls speak to each other.
Oh.
Yeah?
I kind of wish your soul would shut up
and rip my clothes off like you used to.
Look, talk to me about your mother.
Oh, my God!
What? Ugh!
- What?
- Why isn't this working?
The beginning of our
relationship was so... magical.
Yeah, about that.
To Kacey, the beginning of the
relationship was a fairy tale.
But to Dominic, not so much.
You're so beautiful.
Thank you, Dominic.
But you're not just beautiful.
You're smart, and you're interesting.
You're gonna make some
World-Class drinks tonight.
For Dominic, his relationship
with Kacey wasn't a fairy tale.
It wasn't even a story.
All right, I'll see you after work.
Have a great shift. You, too.
There's this cool little after-hours place
where we could have a few
drinks, watch the sunrise.
I'd love for you to come.
I would love to come into your sunrise.
Okay.
Hey, Jorge, Luis, Jesus,
Rodrigo, Esteban, and Steve!
We're all going to this cool
little after-hours place.
We could have a few
drinks, watch the sunrise.
I'd love for you guys to come.
All right, sounds good.
Yeah? I'm inviting everyone.
So tell everybody you know...
Literally everyone you know.
You didn't have to do all this.
Yes, I did.
They say every love story
has three versions...
His story, her story, and the actual story.
All right, fuse box is good to go.
You can turn the lights back on.
Oh.
- Thanks, Buddy.
- All right.
But in this case, it was
pretty much just his story,
which is too bad, because
her story was so much better.
I know how to fix this.
We just need to spoon for three hours.
What? What about our jobs?
Look. This just isn't working.
Oh, God. I'm so glad you said that.
Really?
Yes.
This is exhausting.
R-relationships are so much work.
Dom, we've been going out for 18 minutes.
I know!
Look, I need... I need a nap.
All right, I'm... gonna go.
That's the thing about fairy tales.
They're just fantasy.
And sometimes, it takes
walking away from something fake
to find something real.
Hey. Hey! There she is.
Oh, yeah, hi! Hey, man!
Oh, I actually really like that hat.
No.
Where does she keep finding these things?
It's called the clothing barn.
That seems... fine. Seems
like quite a creative...
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
I don't know why it's called a barn.
Oh, my God! What the hell?!
Hey, hey! No, Liv! No kissing the nice man!
All right, up. Up, up, up.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
She's drunk. She doesn't
know what she's doing.
She's going...
Liv, did you call your fianc??
Because... he's here.
Oh, crap.
Do you think he can see me?
Hey, man. How's it going
with the new girlfriend?
No, we broke up, man.
What?
Yeah. It was heartbreaking.
Well, I'm sure you'll
find someone else soon.
Oh, no. I-I'm with tall girl now.
Right there. Yeah.
Wow. That was... That was fast.
Yeah, but she's more of
a rebound sort of thing.
You know, I need some
space after the breakup.
The breakup from the relationship
that lasted 20 minutes?
Also, I'm gonna bang those
two Asian girls at table 12.
Yeah, so that will be nice.
one night, and all the stupid,
embarrassing, ridiculous things we do...
To find love.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Okay, what the hell was that?
What? I'm just saying "hey".
No. You said, "hey,"
like, very seductively.
Well, that's just how I
talk. I'm always seductive.
I can't turn it off.
Okay, here's the deal.
I have dumped you, like, 9 times tonight,
but you keep flirting
with me, and do I like it?
Yes. Of course I like it.
Flirting is my favorite thing to do ever.
But I have another offer
on the table right now,
and it is a good one.
So we need to figure
this out once and for all.
Either we take our relationship
to the next level...
You know, become hardcore
boyfriend/girlfriend,
talk about our feelings, get a dog,
you come visit West Greentree,
I go to wherever it is in
south America you're from.
Or we shut this thing down forever, okay?
So? What do you want to do?
Hmm. Okay, let's take our
relationship to the next level, then.
Shut up.
I am so glad we decided to
have a second first date.
It's been nice to get
to know the real girl.
All right, starting over?
Starting over.
- Completely honest?
- Disgustingly honest.
Okay.
I'm a single mom from New Jersey
with two kids and a crappy job.
And when I play board games
with my kids, sometimes I cheat.
Uh, Shallow Bachelor, failed entrepreneur,
no kids that I'm aware of.
And if I were to play board
games with your children,
I would definitely cheat every single time.
Kids learn so much from losing.
- They deserve it.
- Absolutely.
Oh, my God. They are
so wrong for each other.
- Mm-hmm.
- Jessica is all, "blah, blah, blah.
I have beautiful hair and a flawless body."
Whatever.
I'm so over him. He's so gross...
And charming.
Your friend is drunk.
I... look at her. Ahh.
Yeah, I know.
- I'm not. No, I'm not, guys.
- I'm totally...
I burp when I'm sober, too. You know that.
What do you mean, you have a date
with our waitress at 2:00 A.M.?
I have a date with Kacey at 2:00 A.M.
What is so confusing?
What are you gonna do at 2:00 A.M., Cal?
You gonna go to the State Fair?
I love State Fairs.
Yeah, everybody loves State Fairs, man.
There's... there's clowns
and pony rides for the kids...
Something for everybody.
No, offense, dude, but I hate your friend.
He's not my friend. I
thought he was your friend.
Really? You think he'd be my friend?
He cuffs his jeans.
So why are we talking to him?
I don't know. I didn't
even see him sit down.
He must have magically appeared.
Hey, do you guys like sailing?
- Must be Tom's friend.
- Tom's friend.
Yeah.
Hey, uh, can I get two drafts and
a vodka tonic with lots of lime?
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Hey, can I ask you something?
- Yeah.
I saw you crying before.
You seem very emotional.
You know, like a girl.
Well, uh, I...
Uh, that's not the question.
The question is, uh...
- How do you do relationship stuff?
- What do you mean?
This girl I'm sleeping with, she asked me
if I wanted to be boyfriends/girlfriends.
So I go, "y-yeah," you know?
I don't know. 'Cause I like her. Yeah.
You know, she's sexy and she talks like
she's on drugs, but she's not on drugs.
You know, that's just how she talks.
Oh, my God. You guys
make such a cute couple.
Oh, no. That wasn't her.
What? Was it bad, what I just did?
What is this? The first
relationship you've ever had?
Yeah.
Look, I always thought relationships
were for, uh, old people or lesbians.
No, no, no. That's not...
God, that is kind of true.
Look, if you're gonna be in a
relationship, there are a lot of rules.
Like what?
Like you can't spank other girls' butts.
I-I honestly didn't know that.
W-w-what else?
Y-you want me to tell you every
single rule in relationships?
Yeah.
Absolutely. Oh, my God.
This is gonna be so fun.
Wait.
How do I get a big butt? Oh.
Like, are there exercises
I could do to get a big...
Like a...
Okay. I'll stay. Thank you.
Like a butt... Bubble butt.
Don't you think I... Hey, ladies.
What can I get you guys tonight?
Oh, my God! We missed you! Oh!
So, one water-tini for you.
Yeah, and I'm gonna have a single malt.
Yeah, ditto.
Okay, I have to tell someone,
or I'm going to explode.
So I met this really great guy tonight,
I mean, totally cute, nice, and just as
things were about to heat up with him,
my on-again/off-again BF comes back.
Fast-forward, I am dating
the hot bartender. Ohh.
- Fascinating. Okay.
- What?
I mean, the truth is, I
really like this new guy.
But when your old flame
finally tells you, "I love you,"
you got to get up on that.
You know what I mean?
And he didn't say, "I love
you," verbally with his mouth,
but he said it with his eyes...
Mm... And his chest and...
Oh, my God. Are you crying?
I am just so damn happy for you.
Oh, thank you.
I'm happy for me, too.
- Okay, round of drinks.
- Yes.
- Water.
- Yes.
Go to him.
Ohh, they're so romantic.
I know you don't hear it very often,
but the drunk girl is right.
Kacey and Dom have a surprisingly
romantic history together.
It all started a few months ago.
You're so beautiful.
Thank you, Dominic.
And with that, the
fairy-tale romance had begun.
The very next night, Dominic
asked Kacey out for the first time.
There's this cool little after-hours place
where we could have a few
drinks, watch the sunrise.
I'd love for you to come.
I would love to come into your sunrise.
Okay.
And like all fairy tales,
there was a magical first kiss.
You didn't have to do all this.
Yes, I did.
Sadly, unlike most fairy tales,
this one turned into a lot
of sex in the back of a bar.
But Kacey never forgot how they had started
and longed to get back
to that romantic place.
Not that the sex was bad, because
the sex definitely wasn't bad.
Okay, I'm gonna go check on table
24 and then I'm gonna come back
and then we're gonna talk a lot more.
Okay.
Okay.
Sorry.
Dude, my new girlfriend, she's
talking to me all the time now.
- That's wonderful.
- No, no.
She's telling me what she did,
what she's doing now,
what she's gonna do next.
Man, that's a lot of information.
What am I supposed to do with that?
Well, that's what
relationships are all about...
Listening to women talk.
Now, if you really want to get her
going, ask her about her feelings.
That's when it gets really exciting.
Okay. Well, what else?
Well, um, a good boyfriend knows
everything about his girlfriend.
Yeah, like her name.
Yeah, like her name and...
And also her birthday
and her food allergies and
why she resents her mother...
Everything.
Also, y-you need to keep things fresh.
You know, surprise her. Give
her flowers or a back rub.
Huh.
And that brings us to lovemaking.
Yeah. Yeah, right, man.
Yeah, I got that covered.
Don't worry about it.
I wouldn't be so sure.
I mean, I've never had casual sex before.
But from everything I've read, it is
very different than relationship sex.
Say more.
When you have relationship sex,
you make eye contact constantly.
Caress her face and hair gently.
Whisper thoughtful... Sometimes even
pre-written... Things in her ear to...
To boost her self-esteem and
encourage her to keep going.
And remember, t-the only
orgasm that matters is hers.
Now, after making sweet and,
hopefully, tearful love to her,
ask her if she had a nice time and if
there's any areas in your performance
that could be improved.
Then you spoon her for three hours.
Three hours?!
That's the best part.
Oh. Right? I mean, that was the first
time I swam with a school of angelfish.
Okay, dude, if Tom doesn't get back
soon, I'm gonna stab this guy in the face.
He really likes Scuba.
Look, guys. I carried three glasses.
Hi. I'm Tom.
Phil. Great to meet you. Yeah.
I was just telnghe guys about
my Scuba trip to Bermuda.
Oh, my God. That sounds
fascinating. Please continue
If he's not friends
with Tom or you or me,
why is he talking to us?
Oh, Cal.
W-w-w-what?
We have an interloper.
No!
And not just because it's
literally brimming with seashells.
Damn it!
I'm gonna order lots of water.
You bitches want some nachos?
Wait. Where did you get those?
I found them on the way over
here. They're really cold.
Guys, you should eat, you guys.
You don't want to get drunk.
Oh, no. Oh, my God.
They're still talking?
What are they talking
about? How fake she is?
I'm just kidding.
She seems really down-to-earth.
I just don't know her flaws,
so I had to make that up.
Wait. Whose drink is that?
Hey. Hey. She just found it on the table.
My God, now she's whispering in his ear.
What? They have secrets?
Liv, okay, first of all,
you're still engaged to Jim,
and Ron can talk to whoever he wants to.
I know!
Ron and I aren't married.
Who said anything about me marrying Ron?
- No one.
- Literally, just no one.
My biggest concern about marrying Ron
is that our kids will have,
like, weird British nicknames
like Ringo and Dummy.
Oh, my God. I don't
know how to ride a horse.
Watch my nachos.
I'm gonna call Jim and tell
him our engagement is off.
What? Hey, Liv. Get back here.
Uh, no, no, no, no, no.
You forgot your shoe.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How are your feelings?
Good.
Good.
The truth is, Scuba's not just a hobby.
It's a lifestyle.
Well, I'm sold. I'm
getting certified tomorrow.
You know, I've always wondered
why Scuba isn't an olympic sport,
but I guess it would be
difficult to judge who's best.
Should we ask him to leave?
No, dude. We make him leave, okay?
We're gonna freeze him out. Tell Tommy.
I mean, I guess you could
measure who has the biggest smile.
I'd win. That would just be stupid.
Hey, Tom, we're going sub-zero.
We're gonna freeze him
out. Stop talking to him.
What? But I'm learning
so much about the ocean.
Bubba, when we get home, I'll
buy you a book about the ocean.
10 lifetimes of straight
Scuba to see the whole thing.
Okay.
And get this... there's 27,000
different species of fish.
Oh, man.
Kind of makes you think, huh?
I can't believe there's that many fish.
That is incredible. Our
oceans are a treasure.
- Psst! Hey! No!
- Speaking of treasure,
I once Scuba'd in the Caribbean.
Here you go, guys.
And for you.
Oh.
__________
Hmm.
Where's Dominic? Where are you?
- Surprise!
- Aah!
What the hell's wrong with you?!
Hey! Oh.
I am surprising you.
Relationships are supposed
to be full of surprises.
What is happening to us?
I feel like everything got weird the
second we decided to take our relationship
to the next level.
So, should we take our
relationship to the previous level?
No.
I don't know.
Well, um...
Well, there is one thing
we always did well together.
Uh, cutting limes?
No.
What then?
I mean, seriously, what
did we do well together?
Amazingly, my parents are
still together, too. 35 years.
- Wow. What's their secret?
- Whiskey.
I'm not even sure they
know they're still married.
Hey, watch it!
Ohh!
Ooh. She is having a tough night.
Yeah.
At this point, she should probably
just take off the other shoe, as well.
And that's one of the biggest
misconceptions about Scuba,
is that it's stupid. Yeah.
I hope you're happy.
I really think we should
consider a guys' Scuba weekend.
No! We have to leave this
awesome table right now
'cause you have some kind of man
crush on Phil, the king of Scuba.
What? No. That would hurt his feelings.
I think you're not understanding
what's happening, dude.
Phil isn't a human
being. He's an interloper.
Interloper. They don't have feelings, bro.
They just ramble on. They never shut
up. They don't pick up on social cues.
They need to be stopped immediately.
Oh, hey. I got it. This
is what we're gonna do.
On my signal, we're gonna scatter
and then meet up at the ledge.
Okay, good. What's the signal?
I'll say... "S-signal."
What? Dude, using the word "signal"
as signal? That's a terrible idea.
- What? It's a fine word for a signal.
- Wait. Did you just say "signal"?
- No, that's not the signal.
- Are you saying "signal" now?
- No, I'm not saying... I'm saying...
- You keep saying "signal."
But he said "signal" now.
I'm not giving the signal.
Well, then, how do we know when
it's gonna be the actual signal?
When I say "signal"... Text us...
Signal! Signal!
What? Give the signal. I...
What? Wait. I didn't signal.
If you were to ask me my favorite fish?
Gosh, that is a good one.
Sea horse, sea pony. No. Who am I kidding?
Who am I... Come on. It's a puffer fish.
It's not even close.
Good luck looking at a puffer fish
and not falling in love instantly.
I'm sorry, Jim. I have met someone else.
Liv! Hey, come back!
Where is she going? Okay, come here.
His name is Ron, and we're
going to have two sons...
Stadler and Bertie.
Nope. No, no, no, nope.
Jim? Okay, still ringing.
All right, I'm all for you
calling off your engagement,
but you're gonna have
to do that sober, okay?
I'm sorry, Jim. I've met someone else.
His name is Ron, and we're
going to have two sons...
Alfie and Duck.
Okay, hi. Where did you get this phone?
Some girl's purse.
Oh, some girl's purse? It's not even on.
Oh, my God! It's Molly Ringwald!
I loved you in "Pretty In Pink."
You look very pretty
in blue, as well, but...
Oh, you do.
Hi. You're done, okay?
You're going home. Mm-hmm.
Can I have her shoe, please?
Ooh, can I use your phone?
Damn it, Liv.
Where did she go?
Really big fan.
And then, in 2007, all you have to do
is show up to a meeting, say
the word "Internet" three times,
and they would just give you
millions and millions of dollars.
Now it's almost like you've got to work.
Hey. Hey, have you seen Liv?
Um, yeah. Last time I saw
her, she was hobbling that way.
Do you need help finding her?
Uh, no. We'll be fine.
This is her shoe.
So, are you and Liv a thing?
What? No. Liv? No.
We only just met tonight.
And, you know, she's officially...
Not all there.
Yeah, but what's so great
about being all there?
I'm completely all
there, and I'm miserable.
It's the loony ones who have all the fun.
Mm.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
But enough about women who aren't
you. Tell me about your horrible job.
Ooh, oh, okay.
Back at the ledge.
Yeah, well, at least we
ditched the interloper.
Totally.
Oh, my God! He's everywhere.
I forgot to ask you guys...
Are you into soccer?
Bruce love soccer.
Uh, no. Uh, pfft. Tom, please.
Phil, dude.
You can't just go up
to a group of strangers
and start talking to them
like they're your friends
and then, poof, magically,
they're your friends.
Well, then explain that to the
feelings in my heart right now.
Yeah, and explain them to
the feelings in my heart.
Look at the floor.
Philip, listen.
I get it. You look like Matt Damon.
You're cute and funny and
smart, but I don't like you.
You freak me out. You're weirding us out.
Do you want this, Tom?
Uh, Bruce won't let me
answer that right now, Phil.
That's right, Phil.
Well, it was nice meeting you all.
If you change your mind,
I'll... probably be hanging out
with those weird Swedish guys over there.
You're the heart of the ocean, Phil.
No, you're not. You're
a rock at the bottom.
Um, what, um... What are you doing?
I'm caressing your face in a loving manner.
Oh, that... Um, that's cool.
You don't really have to do that for me.
Uh...
I value your feelings and emotions.
What?
Why are you looking at me like that?
Did my eye go lazy?
Sometimes my eye goes lazy.
Uh, eye contact is how our
souls speak to each other.
Oh.
Yeah?
I kind of wish your soul would shut up
and rip my clothes off like you used to.
Look, talk to me about your mother.
Oh, my God!
What? Ugh!
- What?
- Why isn't this working?
The beginning of our
relationship was so... magical.
Yeah, about that.
To Kacey, the beginning of the
relationship was a fairy tale.
But to Dominic, not so much.
You're so beautiful.
Thank you, Dominic.
But you're not just beautiful.
You're smart, and you're interesting.
You're gonna make some
World-Class drinks tonight.
For Dominic, his relationship
with Kacey wasn't a fairy tale.
It wasn't even a story.
All right, I'll see you after work.
Have a great shift. You, too.
There's this cool little after-hours place
where we could have a few
drinks, watch the sunrise.
I'd love for you to come.
I would love to come into your sunrise.
Okay.
Hey, Jorge, Luis, Jesus,
Rodrigo, Esteban, and Steve!
We're all going to this cool
little after-hours place.
We could have a few
drinks, watch the sunrise.
I'd love for you guys to come.
All right, sounds good.
Yeah? I'm inviting everyone.
So tell everybody you know...
Literally everyone you know.
You didn't have to do all this.
Yes, I did.
They say every love story
has three versions...
His story, her story, and the actual story.
All right, fuse box is good to go.
You can turn the lights back on.
Oh.
- Thanks, Buddy.
- All right.
But in this case, it was
pretty much just his story,
which is too bad, because
her story was so much better.
I know how to fix this.
We just need to spoon for three hours.
What? What about our jobs?
Look. This just isn't working.
Oh, God. I'm so glad you said that.
Really?
Yes.
This is exhausting.
R-relationships are so much work.
Dom, we've been going out for 18 minutes.
I know!
Look, I need... I need a nap.
All right, I'm... gonna go.
That's the thing about fairy tales.
They're just fantasy.
And sometimes, it takes
walking away from something fake
to find something real.
Hey. Hey! There she is.
Oh, yeah, hi! Hey, man!
Oh, I actually really like that hat.
No.
Where does she keep finding these things?
It's called the clothing barn.
That seems... fine. Seems
like quite a creative...
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
I don't know why it's called a barn.
Oh, my God! What the hell?!
Hey, hey! No, Liv! No kissing the nice man!
All right, up. Up, up, up.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
She's drunk. She doesn't
know what she's doing.
She's going...
Liv, did you call your fianc??
Because... he's here.
Oh, crap.
Do you think he can see me?
Hey, man. How's it going
with the new girlfriend?
No, we broke up, man.
What?
Yeah. It was heartbreaking.
Well, I'm sure you'll
find someone else soon.
Oh, no. I-I'm with tall girl now.
Right there. Yeah.
Wow. That was... That was fast.
Yeah, but she's more of
a rebound sort of thing.
You know, I need some
space after the breakup.
The breakup from the relationship
that lasted 20 minutes?
Also, I'm gonna bang those
two Asian girls at table 12.
Yeah, so that will be nice.