Mixology (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 8 - Jessica & Ron - full transcript

This is the story of 10 strangers,

one night, and all the stupid,
embarrassing, ridiculous things we do...

To find love.

Ron is so hot.

I can't believe he sent
you a picture of his wiener.

Oh, my God. You should've seen the
picture I sent back to him, though.

Ooh!

It's hard to keep a sexy face when
you're bent over the waterbed...

Whoa! You put your face in a nudey pic?

Yeah.

Yeah, you're seconds
away from being on the Internet.



No. Ron wouldn't do that.

Yeah, Ron wouldn't do that.

Ron is someone that
you met on the Internet,

so how well do you actually know this guy?

Right?

I got to get that picture back asap.

Hi. Remember me?

You threw up in my purse earlier.

God, yes. How are you feeling?

And more importantly,
how's your purse feeling?

We're both fine.

- Just need to get...
- Please accept my deepest apologies

for my actions earlier.

You know, in Yemen, the punishment
for upchucking in a lady's purse



is castration followed by
12 hours of public mockery.

Okay, um, but I-I just...
I wanted to ask you...

Listen, I have made a
great many mistakes tonight,

and I don't want to make any more mistakes.

So let's find a seat, and I will tell you

all the ways in which
you are kind, beautiful,

and quick to forgive idiots like me.

- Uh... Okay.
- Please.

Hey, Cal. Hey, Tom.

I accidentally made this extra vodka
tonic, heavy limes, three cubes, one straw,

just the way you like it.

What an amazing coincidence.

Thanks. Are we still on for 2:00?

Oh, I'll be here. So will I.

You see that?

That's exactly what I'm talking about.

Every chick has a type.

They either like black guys
or British guys or Latin dudes.

No chick ever digs redheaded guys.

No girl's ever like, "ooh,

"tonight, I want to get
some hot ginger action.

Hope he's got really papery
skin and big yellow teeth."

You done lost your damn mind.

You're so lucky you're black, dude.

That's true, actually.

I'm always talking with my black
friends about how lucky we are.

That's nice.

Come on, guys. There are
like 200 women in this bar.

One of them has to like redheads.

You know what?

Why don't you go ahead,
take a lap around the bar,

and we'll see if any
girls are tracking you.

That's actually not a stupid idea, Cal.

I like that. All right,
let me tune up my look.

How do I look?

- Gross.
- Handsome.

I heard handsome.

Oh, great. Well, she sat down with him.

Oh... oh, great.

And now they're laughing together.

What could possibly be that funny?

The way that
you're acting right now.

Well, I...

You don't like him anymore, remember?

He sends gross pictures
to women that aren't you.

No one said I liked him.

I'm just... I'm just trying
to protect him from...

Oh! Oh, she just touched his arm.

Oh, okay. What does that mean?

I know what that means.

It means, "I want to
have filthy sex w-with..."

- That's not what it means.
- Not now, Maya.

Oh. Oh, okay.

She's... She's tossing her hair.

I'm gonna break this up.

Oh, okay.

Ooh, hello.

I will be visiting that later.

But, honestly, you are
the first woman in history

who's more attractive
than her online photo.

Wow. Thank you. 'Cause I've met
women who are different racial groups

than they purport to be.

- Oh, man.
- Seriously, Jess,

I'm truly sorry about
how this evening started.

Don't sweat it. I mean, we met online.

How often does that go well?

Well, the truth is, I
kind of hoped it would.

Um, your texts have been, very
often, the only good part of my day.

Wow. Really?

I couldn't wait to meet you tonight.

Even though they'd met online,

Ron had surprisingly
strong feelings for Jessica.

Ron was a hustler who
made millions of dollars

out of little more than a charming accent

and unstoppable hair.

His life was fabulous.

Unfortunately, the fabulous
life isn't so fabulous.

It's a bunch of fake people lying
about how successful they are

while stealing each other's cocaine.

Ron yearned for something more honest.

So he went to where the real
people were... the Internet.

Eventually, he found Jessica,
and they began texting.

They had an instant rapport.

Can we agree that after
Al-Qaeda and the global recession,

the worst thing to
happen to this generation

is earlobe expanders?

No, no. Worse than all
of those things is "hashtag."

#Ihatehashtag.

Actually, no.

The worst thing ever
is fixed-gear bicycles.

Only a nitwit would pay more money
for a bike that's harder to ride.

Can I tell you a secret?

I never learned how to ride a bike.

#loser.

I'm so touched that
you would share that with me.

I will now make fun of
you for this glaring defect

whenever possible.

Are you able to use a knife and fork?

Texting led to e-mail,
e-mail led to photos,

and photos led to way better photos,

and then way, way, way better photos.

Ryan Gosling, Ryan Gosling, Ryan Gosling.

Ma, this is not a good time right now!

Ron and Jessica were both lonely,

highly photogenic people.

And even though they
had actually never met,

they had an amazing connection.

Really, if I could change
one thing in the world,

it would be the horrible
way in which we met.

Uh, um, actually, scratch that.

I'd change the series ending to "Lost"

'cause that was dreadful.

That was good.

Let's talk about some trivia, okay?

Okay.

My birthday is February 29th.

- Leap year.
- That's right.

So, technically, I'm 9 years old.

Oh, you should've been
in your bed hours ago.

No, I saved up my energy,
and my mom dropped me off.

Oh, my... oh, sorry.

Oh, my gosh.

Never give a client your
personal phone number.

So annoying.

But I guess when you
charge as much as I do,

you can afford to put up with
a call every now and then.

Right.

You're expensive, huh?

Yes. Um, but I like to
think that I'm worth it.

My clients always end up happy.

I bet they do.

Anyway, where were we?

I was gonna invite you to
go to Paris with me tonight.

Um, what?

Yeah. So, um, what would that cost?

Oh, my gosh, right?

Um... private jet, a hotel...
It's not gonna be cheap.

I mean, that's all
taken care of, of course.

Oh, well, now you're being flashy.

Well, what I mean is, um, you know...

Mm-hmm.

What's your rate?

Oh.

Okay, pay attention closely, okay?

Even if a girl shoots me a look
on accident, I can use that.

We got it. Just go.

Regular walk or sexy walk?

- Regular.
- Sexy.

Got it.

Ooh, yes. Okay.

Not off to a great start.

Wow. No one is looking at him.

No.

Don't. Don't do that. Don't do th...

Why's he stretching?

Don't do the runner lunge.

It's... it's like they
literally can't see him.

It's like he's a ghost.

He is dying out there.

You're doing great, Bruce.

He's doing bad.

Maybe he should've done his sexy walk.

I think that is his sexy walk.

You know what? Maybe Bruce is right.
Maybe girls aren't into redheads.

I always thought girls didn't like
Bruce because of his personality.

I never thought it was
because of his coloring.

Well, don't count out
the personality thing.

Okay, be cool, man. Be cool.

Oh, my... He just spilled a drink,
and she still didn't look at him.

Walk away. Just go. Just go.

Wait, wait. What is this? What is this?

Oh, my God.

She is looking at him like
he's a piece of birthday cake.

And she's actually cute, too.

I know.

Something must be horribly wrong with her.

Oh, yeah. She's crazy.

Okay, here he comes.

Great. I know. I did terrible.

Dude... black top, apple Martini, edge
of the couch... Totally checking you out.

Oh, she is worthy of my tool.

I'm gonna pound her with my hammer.

Yeah.

And look who she's sitting with.

I think she likes the ginge.

Go put your ginge in there.

I'm gonna show her my freckles.

Okay, do your best American.

I told you, I've got
a good American accent.

Let's hear it.

Oh,
hey. How's it going? Swell?

I'm... God bless America.

Ah what is this?

- Oh, excuse me.
- Hey.

What? Oh, okay. Hi, guys. Hey.

Wait, do you guys know each other?

Oh, yeah. No, we've met. We've met.

Actually, I was just
coming to remind Jessica

that she has a very
important phone call to make.

And then she needs to leave... Forever!

I am very much aware of my
very important phone call,

and I'm also not sure why you
came over here to remind me of it.

Well, I just, you know,

I feel like maybe you are more
interested in doing sex with Ron

than making your important phone
call and then leaving immediately.

Okay, great. Thanks, sweetie.

You are welcome.

Okay.

Hi, Ron.

Hey, Liv.

How's your night going?

Currently, it's a little bit weird, but...

I really like talking to you.

I like doing that to you, as
well... with you. Talking.

Can I get you anything?

A drink, some lightly salted nuts, or...

Okay, yep. We're done here.

Oh. Oh, right! I...

You know, I have to go, guys.

Yeah. Oh.

I got to... got to jet.

Um, but it was really
good reconnecting with you.

You, too.

And you should make that phone call.

Yes. Got it.

- And then leave.
- Terrific.

Ron isn't your boyfriend.

Okay.

Excuse me.

Hello.

Hi.

I couldn't help but notice you noticing me.

Is that right?

Yeah, it is.

I saw you sitting with
these two redheads over here,

and I began to wonder, "what's going on?"

She's a pumpkin pounder.

A pumpkin pounder?

Oh, I'd like to hear more.

All right, so the trick
is, obviously, to wear heels

and keep pedaling your
feet as much as you can.

So, uh, would you teach me?

I would love to if I could
video tape it and sell it online.

What? No.

You would never do anything like that.

I would if I could get top dollar.

No, seriously. Like,
you would... you would...

You would never do something like that.

No. Of course I wouldn't.

W-what sort of website would
want a video of you cycling?

Oh, I can think of a lot.

Quite an unusual fetish.

But I'm glad you won't. Good.

I'm so glad I can trust you.

So, how long have you been
a noted fashion designer?

Uh-oh. Someone lied on
their Internet profile.

Jessica was a busy single mom.

She had no time for dating.

So she went online.

Unfortunately, there weren't too many men

looking for 32-year-old women
from east nowhere, New Jersey,

with a dead-end job and two kids.

And the guys that were looking for that,

well, they usually had parrots.

So Jess did what everybody does.

She adjusted her profile a bit.

A few keystrokes later,

Jess the single mom from New Jersey

became Jessica the successful
fashionista from Tribeca.

So while Ron had been honest with her,

she hadn't been quite so honest with him.

I wouldn't say that I'm a
noted fashion designer, really.

Oh, you're just being modest.

But the thing is with modesty...
I-I've got a lot of modesty,

but sometimes it takes away

from the other amazing
things about me, right?

So it's like... It's distracting.

Yes. I see it. You know what?

I'm gonna go crazy here and
get us a very special bottle

to celebrate our first official date.

Stay.

I will be here.

Hey! Erase the picture! Get out of there!

Stop talking to Ron!

Get out of here!

Oh, okay, crazy. Hey, listen.

I've got a problem.

Okay, I just met a guy
upstairs and he's super hot,

he's actually smart and witty,

and he wants to fly me
to Paris for the weekend.

Oh, my God! What's the problem?

He thinks I'm a prostitute.

Oh. Well, that is something.

Come on. I mean, do I even
look like a prostitute?

Yeah, totally.

But, I mean, not like a street whore.

Like a... like a fancy, high-end escort

who has rules like "no credit
cards" and "no kissing."

Liv, seriously.

The weird thing is, is
I was actually willing

to go to Paris with him for the weekend

until he offered to pay me.

Yeah, well, obviously, you can't go.

A guy would do it.

Any man would take the money and the
sex and not even think twice about it.

You know what? You're right.

There's a real double standard
when it comes to whoring.

Hey, what's going on here?

What were you doing on my phone?

Uh...

What were you doing on my phone? Seriously.

Oh, I was just...

Uh, I wanted to delete
that picture I sent you.

Oh, uh, okay.

Just out of curiosity, what did
you think I was gonna do with it?

Like, post it on Facebook or mount
it on a billboard in Times Square?

Uh...

Wow. That's exactly what
you thought I was gonna do.

Okay, uh, it's deleted.

Sorry. I just...

I guess I don't trust you because I,
uh, I haven't been 100% honest myself.

Oh, God. Are you 16 years old?

Oh.

N-no, but, um, thanks.

Um... no.

I am a single mom from New Jersey
who works at the clothing barn.

Wow.

That's not even 30% honest.

Yeah. I know.

I mean, I-I guess I thought
that everybody lied online.

Something.

This has been sufficiently weird for me.

I'm gonna...

I'm just gonna tell him no. Right.

I don't need some weirdo
giving me 10 grand anyway.

No, you don't.

Sisters doing it for
themselves, am I right?

Okay, okay. Go. Okay, bye. Thanks.

Hello, hello. Hey.

So I've been thinking, is $100,000 okay?

Oh, my God. I've offended you.

Sorry. Uh, $200,000, then?

No, I just didn't, um...

Okay, okay.

You know, I can do $250,000, but
that's really as high as I can go.

Sorry.

- It's $250,000.
- I know.

So, look, dude. I'm not a prostitute.

Oh, wow.

Well, you still want to go to Paris?

For free?

Are you insane?

I think I should go.

Oh, uh, uh, before you do, just curious.

Um, how much would I cost?

This?

Good for you.

You owe me $250,000.

Mm, yes.

It is the perfect shade of orange.

I feel like I'm at home depot.

If you like the hair on my head,
you're gonna love the hair on my back.

I just... I love how it's thinning on top

and I can see splotches of
pale, white scalp poking through.

Yeah.

You must sunburn so easily.

Oh, baby, I burn every day of my life.

What spf do you use?

45... in the winter.

And your translucent skin. Yeah.

Do you have bruises everywhere?

Pfft!

I got that from hanging up the phone.

He's perfect.

This is the greatest day of my entire life.

I didn't even know
pumpkin pounders existed.

Well, we do.

And there are a lot more
of us than you think.

What are you doing later?

'Cause I really want to show you...

Hey, babe. Oh, hey.

Oh, my God.

Hi. How you doing?

Hi. I'm Alexi Lalas.

Yeah, it's an honor to meet you.

I know who you are.

You're the greatest redheaded
athlete in human history.

Yeah, I know.

Listen, Trista. Me, Caruso,
and Stoltz are getting tacos.

You want to go?

Uh... yeah. Yeah, okay.

Sorry, babe. It's Alexi Lalas.

Yeah, go.

Anyway, are you... You going to get
drinks or you're just leaving me, as well.

Okay.

Look, being single sucks.

Most of the time, things
just don't work out.

Sometimes people lie to you,

sometimes you're mistaken for a prostitute,

and sometimes there's no
one to blame but yourself.

Hi.

Oh, lovely.

It's noted fashion designer
made-up mcnot-a-name.

I'm sorry.

I get it. I screwed up.

It's just, I liked you, and I thought
if I told you who I really was,

you wouldn't like me.

Yeah, but I didn't care about
your job or your fabulous life.

I liked you.

I liked the girl who, oddly,
doesn't know how to ride a bike

despite being 26 years old.

28.

Despite being 28 years old.

32.

Despite being 32 years old.

Are you sure this time?

Yeah.

Look, Ron, obviously you have
no reason to trust me, but...

Just a second.

What are you doing?

Are you texting your mother
to find out your real age?

Check your phone.

Ooh, wow.

That is quite a photo.

Were you ever in the circus?

You can keep that one.

I am trusting you with it.

Thank you. My Twitter
followers are gonna love it.

Look, can we just...
Can we just start over?

'Cause I'd really like to
tell you about the real me...

Every honest, weird, un-cool bit.

You can probably stop
looking at that picture now.

Yeah. Yeah, and let's start all over again.

Um, what other photos do
you have on your phone,

and when can I see them?

Easy, killer. You got to earn that.

So, which one was your favorite caper?

Soccer star. Dumb. How'd it go?

Not good, man. I got Alexi Lalased.

I don't understand your terms.

What is "getting Alexi Lalased"?

It's when Alexi Lalas steals
the girl that you're hitting on.

Mm. Oh, that's very literal.

Anyway, even though I lost her,

I kind of learned something very important.

There is a small group of very
strange girls that love redheads,

and they treat them like
objects to have sex with.

You know, like British guys or black dudes.

I'm so happy for you. Thanks.

It's a great feeling to be objectified.

I know. I know what it's like to be black.

I get it. I dig it.

Now all I have to do is
find these wackadoodle chicks

and let them demolish my body.

It's gonna be awesome.

But, you know, when it's over,

I'm sure they're gonna love
me for who I really am...

The real Bruce deep down.

You know, the good guy
who... I can't.

- I'm not a good guy.
- No. Not even a little.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Okay, what the hell was that?

What? I'm just saying "hey".

No. You said, "hey,"
like, very seductively.

Well, that's just how I
talk. I'm always seductive.

I can't turn it off.

Okay, here's the deal.

I have dumped you, like, 9 times tonight,

but you keep flirting
with me, and do I like it?

Yes. Of course I like it.

Flirting is my favorite thing to do ever.

But I have another offer on the
table right now, and it is a good one.

So we need to figure
this out once and for all.

Either we take our relationship
to the next level...

You know, become hardcore
boyfriend/girlfriend,

talk about our feelings, get a dog,

you come visit West Greentree,

I go to wherever it is in
South America you're from.

Or we shut this thing down forever, okay?

So? What do you want to do?

Hmm.

Okay, let's take our relationship
to the next level, then.

Shut up.