Mixology (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 7 - Bruce & Fab - full transcript

This is the story of 10 strangers,

one night, and all the stupid,
embarrassing, ridiculous things we do...

To find love.

Ooh!

- My God.
- You are such an idiot.

Ugh!

Hold up. Hold up.

Is this destiny?

Nope.

No? It seems that way.
This cute little fall,

this clear sexual chemistry we're having.



Can I have my birth control?

I hope you're using this. Mm.

We met at the bar before, remember?

Yeah, you hit on my friend Jessica.

You said I had ratty hair.

What? That must've been
someone that looks just like me.

I would never I'm Bruce, and I'm
sure Jessica has talked all...

No, it's never gonna happen.

Whoa! Adi?s!

Brucie like.

Pardon me.

Hey, can we get some waters?

How are we back in her section?

I don't know. I really
shouldn't have stood her up.



I'm so thirsty. Do you think it's safe
to drink the water in the bathroom?

No.

Hey. Here you go, boys.

Hey, this isn't a mudslide.

What's with the whipped cream?

Oh, you must be thinking of a
white Russian. They're very similar.

No, I'm thinking of a mudslide,
the drink from "The Big Lebowski."

Yeah, that's a white Russian.

You saying I don't know "Lebowski"?

He... he knows "Lebowski."

I mean, the guy watches it
every morning. Every morning.

Yeah, of course you know "Lebowski."

Why don't you go order me the right drink

and maybe have a hot waitress
bring it back next time?

I like.

Is there a problem here, boys?

- Who's this?
- Oh, it's a young Marlon Wayans.

Ha. You want to go, young Marlon Wayans?

Oh, no, I don't want to go at all.

I just think you should show your
waitress a little more respect.

- Oh, you do?
- Well, I will just get you

the right drinks and bring them back.

I'm really sorry.

It's her fault. Yeah.
She'll take care of it.

Hey, hey. Excuse me.

Don't listen to those guys.

You're the most beautiful girl in here.

You okay?

Yeah. Thanks.

We loved you in "white chicks."

Your kids are beautiful. Thank you.

They're my joy.

He was sick that day.

Look at his little nose. Aww!

Oh, my God! That's a man's
penis! Oh. Yeah. Sorry about that.

Oh, where's Maya?

Maya! Maya, look at this thing!

Whoa! That is...

- Wow!
- Uh, who are you? Sorry.

Oh, sorry. That's my friend Maya.

Great to meet you. Nice wiener.

Uh, thanks.

I mean, usually they gross
me out, but this one is...

No, it's perfect. Yeah.

Yeah, it's sophisticated

and yet... ah... it's still down-to-earth.

Mm. I mean, if you could
just put a bow tie on it,

you could, like, take
it to a gala. You could.

Right? Unfortunately, the guy
attached to it is not so perfect.

What?

No! Come on! Don't tell me that.

Mm. Yeah.

He showed up drunk at the
bar and barfed in my purse.

Oh. He's still here, actually.

Sorry. This is still in the bar?

Now, where is this exactly?

Yeah, tell us now, tell
us now, tell us now.

No, no. A lady never tells.

Okay, can you tell us who it isn't?

I got to know. We're taking your phone.

What? That's a good move.

We're gonna solve this
case. She's so smart.

- I'm... I'm sorry.
- Nice job, Maya!

That was awesome. Honestly, it was amazing.

It was... what? What'd I miss?

Oh, just Cal being the hero.

Those bald guys over there
were being rude to Kacey,

so Cal marched over
there and spoke to them.

Politely. Okay.

And nothing really changed,
but it was really exciting.

It's not a big deal. It's over now.

No, it's not over, Cal.
Those are short, bald guys.

Short, bald guys always want to fight.

What are you talking about?

Cal, the two most important
things a man must have in life

are height and hair look at Tom and I.

And those goons have neither.
They are furious about it.

Just look at history...

Hitler, Mao Tse-Tung, Napoleon.

Short, bald men ruined the world.

Hitler had hair. Hitler wore a piece, Tom.

All I know is you guys better
be ready for some action.

I don't... I'm not a fighter.

I don't even like emotional conflict. Tom.

Don't look at me... the
only thing these two fists

are good for is punching
myself in the wiener.

But don't worry about
it. Tommy, Cal can fight.

Why... why, because I'm black?

Yeah. Yeah.

No, my racist, racist friends, I've
never been in a fight in my entire life.

Wait a minute. Your foster father
never taught you how to fistfight?

Dude, he's my real dad.

You've never been in a fight,

like, at one of your break-dancing
competitions that you...

Not even rap-off
or a beat-box-off?

All right, whatever. I'm out of here.

Are you leaving? Yeah.

What are you, a coward? Yeah.

This isn't even my fight, Cal,
okay? I wasn't even at the table.

My only advice is... use
Tom as a human shield.

Don't do that.

Stop.

What the hell, man?

Urinal code.

I'm so sorry. I'm British.

What are you on about?

Well, you're in America now, bro,
and we leave a buffer urinal here.

Go down one.

Do you actually think I
might be a Willy Watcher?

Yeah, bro, you're British.
You guys are all gay.

Don't be ridiculous. That's the French.

Plus, nobody Willy-Watches
anymore, all right?

That trend ended when they invented
these handy little dividing walls.

Move down one, dude!

I've already cast my line.
I can't just stop mid-flow.

- I swear to God, I will fight you!
- Okay, okay! Fine.

Ah, the afterburn.

But I can hardly see
your Willy from over here.

Here you go, babe.

Thanks, Dom. Mmm!

Come on!

Ugh!

Wait a minute. Destiny again?

- Nope.
- Ooh. Ugh.

Can I get another pizza?

Sorry, babe. Kitchen's closed.

- Are you serious?
- I'm always serious.

Me and Jessica really wanted pizza.

Oh, this was for Jessica?

I actually like her.

I'm really sorry about your pizza!

Yeah, still not gonna sleep with you!

Yeah, I'm excited about that, too. Yeah.

Hey, you should just go to Paglioni's...

Right around the corner.

It's the best pizza in
the world. Oh, really?

Have you ever been to
gennaro's in Florence?

Yes, I have. Mm.

And Paglioni's is better.

You're such a liar.

Yeah? And you're pretentious.

Are you really eating my floor pizza?

Yeah. It landed cheese side up, okay?

Free game.

You're disgusting.

You know what? What?

Why don't you come with me to Paglioni's?

We'll get a slice, and whoever's
wrong will walk home in the nude.

So I lose both ways?

Hmm? Why would I ever do that?

No. No. Because you clearly want me.

- That's why.
- That's...

You think I want you?

Unbelievably, she kind of does.

Fab's parents fought constantly.

They fought in private and in public.

But for some reason, they stayed together.

And that reason was great sex.

They were always hot for each other.

So Fab assumed that this
was how relationships worked.

Fighting and love were one and the same.

Needless to say, this led to a lot
of weird encounters in her life.

Get out of that car! What the hell?!

Why did you stop in the
middle of the street?! Jackass!

Jackass?! Who are you calling a jackass?!

- I was fixing my makeup!
- Are you kidding me?!

I'm gonna sue you! I'm
gonna sue your stupid ass!

Oh? Oh, you're gonna sue me? That's right!

Fine! Yeah, sue me!

Let's talk about it over dinner!

Yeah! Yeah! Wait. What? Yeah!

I know a great Italian
place right over there!

So give me your number!

What, for the insurance or for...

Fab always confused fighting
with sexual attraction,

which is why, unbelievably,
she was attracted to Bruce.

You look like a bag of oranges
that's been left out too long.

Thank God for those bangs
because they cover up your face!

Fine! Let's go get a slice!

Oh, seriously?

Yes!

Ooh!

Just ignore them.

What?

- A lemon.
- Come on, guys, enough!

Oh, he's coming over here.

You got something to
say, young Marlon Wayans?

Hey, hey, uh, fighting
tall people with hair...

It's not gonna make you
any taller or hairier.

Look, don't listen to
him. He's new here. He...

What did you just say
to me? I must've mumbled.

I-I just said fighting
tall people with hair...

It's not gonna make you
any taller or hairier.

- Get up.
- No, I'm good. Just...

Get up, bro!

- Don't get up. Don't get up. Don't get up.
- O-okay. I just...

Oh, my!

Oh, my God. Did I just murder someone?

I just want to let you know

I'm probably gonna smash
your friend Jessica later,

so you're basically just
auditioning for my backup spot.

Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

But can you imagine having sex with you?

Uh, yeah. I have sex with
me every single night.

I wear a satin glove.

I bet it looks like a baby carrot.

Mm. Kind of. Listen, tell me about Jess.

How am I gonna smash that?

That guy has a better chance than you.

Good night.

I don't know. Well,
you're not cute or nice.

Are you rich?

No, but I do drive a Datsun.

Oh. Mm-hmm.

Well, do you have an interesting job?

I'm kind of in between jobs right now.

What does that mean?

It means the market is saturated.

I'm still fishing out there.

Wait a second.

You look like this and you
have nothing else to offer?

What is the point of you?

Um, I know. I'm disgusting.

But every year, you get a little
bit older and more desperate,

and one day, you'll be begging to hook
up with something as gross as this.

Breathe it in, lady. This is your future.

Nope! Mm-hmm.

- I would rather be dead.
- Here we are.

Excuse me.

If you'd like to have sex with
me, walk through this door.

I was already through
the door. That's unfair.

Okay.

Cheers!

This shouldn't be hard.

Men usually look like their penises.

Wait. Really? Yeah.

Look at that guy.

I can totally see it!

Mm-hmm.

- Oh, my God. Let's do more.
- A nightmare.

Okay.

Hmm. Tom thumb, not Jewish.

No. Hooks to the left.

Mm. Never again.

Ooh.

Yeah.

What about your new boyfriend?

Look how regal he is.

Um...

Yeah, he could be... maybe awesome.

I know. I was totally getting that.

Anyways, all right, do you
see anyone who looks like this?

Okay, we know he's blond. Mm-hmm.

Uh... huh.

Ron? Mm-hmm.

No! No, no, no way. Mm-hmm.

Well, no, they do both
have a certain star quality.

I can't believe I let that go.

Oh, boy.

God, I really hope that
little bald man is okay.

I didn't mean to knock
him unconscious, you know?

It's all right. It's all right, man.

Go. Go right ahead, buddy.

Well, thank you, sir.

Yeah, good fight. Real good fight.

Thanks.

Hey, good work, huh? On the house.

Oh, wow.

How... how thoughtful.

The room has shifted, Tom.

Everyone thinks you're Batman.

Really? I've always wanted to be Batman.

Do you think Maya saw me?

Hey, we saw your fight. So hot.

Yeah, do you fight people a lot?

Oh, no. That was, like,
my first fight ever.

Come on, man, use it. Use it.

Just kidding. Just kidding.

Yeah, I get into fights all the time.

Sometimes I have a
reason. Sometimes I don't.

Sometimes I'll just walk up to
strangers at the post office,

and I, like, beat their ass.

You've heard of going postal?

I arrive postal.

That's hard-core.

Yeah. Yeah.

Who's your friend?

Oh, this is my limo driver, Cal.

Hey, watch it, guy!

He just made my list.
I'm gonna fight him next.

- You guys thirsty?
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Can we get some shots,
maybe some steaks, bloody?

There we go. All right.

Thank you. Oh, man.

If I could have sex with any
food, it would definitely be pizza.

And then my baby would be
like a half-me, half-pizza.

And then I'd definitely eat that, too.

Mmm.

Mmm. Huh?

What's that?

What's what? What did I just see?

Mm-hmm.

Ding, ding, ding! Bruce wins!

What? Hmm? Hmm?

It's fine.

Oh, it's fine? Yeah.

It's nowhere near as good
as real Italian pizza.

Sorry. It's not.

You clearly love my pizza.

It's average, at best.

Yeah? Why are you almost
done with your slice?

I'm gonna puke, it's so bad.

Don't talk bad about my pizza.

It's so disgusting.

You say whatever you want
about me or my family,

but don't you dare denigrate my pizza!

Why was Bruce putting up with this?

Because he would put up with anything

if he thought it would get him laid.

For a long time, Bruce's
most embarrassing hookup

was the sexy librarian,

mostly because she wasn't sexy.

She was just a regular librarian.

Yeah. Oh, you smell like old books.

After the librarian,

the horse-fetish girl
was his next new low.

While he liked role playing,

he got tired of constantly eating carrots.

Bruce had low standards,

or, should I say, no standards.

As Bruce lay there

with the toothless girl
he just met on the subway,

he realized he was tired

of having sex with girls he didn't like.

And secretly, he longed for
the day when he could sleep

with someone he actually cared about.

Aah!

Admit you love my pizza, lady!

- Never!
- Oh, really? Really?

Then why are you taking my...
You don't deserve that. Unh-unh!

You don't deserve your face!
That doesn't make sense!

Why were you even born?!

To show you what good pizza tastes like!

You're gross!

- Oh, you're disgusting!
- Oh! You're gross!

I mean, I don't fight every day, you know.

Sometimes I work on my motorcycle.

I love motorcycles.

They're so much more dangerous than cars.

Yeah.

Is your fighting hand okay?

- Yeah, it was nothing.
- Literally nothing.

He can't stress enough how nothing it was.

Your limo driver is rude.

Hey, Professor!

Did you knock out my man?

Excuse me?

If you want to fight, fight me.

Go ahead, Tom.

Look, I don't fight girls, all right?

Just... oh! Cal, protect me!

Uh, raise your arms! Oh, just go limp!

Just go limp! Just go limp!

Will somebody please help my friend?

Somebody please step in!

Where are the bouncers?!
Where are the bouncers?!

You tall, hairy guys are all cowards!

You just hide behind
your height and your hair!

- What?
- I'm... nothing.

Dude, you just got beat up by a girl.

I'm gonna snap a few photos. Is that okay?

- Yeah.
- Bruce is gonna want to see this.

All right.

Did that just happen?

Yeah, I don't want to talk about it.

Okay.

Maya, Ron is going to the men's room.

Maybe we can find out if it's actually his.

Uh, uh, hey, hey, dude. Hey.

Uh, can you do us a favor?

Can you follow that guy to the
restroom and check out his Johnson?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, I-I'm not gonna do that.

Please?

Look, I just met this guy,
and I really, really liked him,

but then he turned out
to be kind of sketchy.

But then I found out
that he might have this.

Yes, exactly.

And if that is his, then, you know,

maybe I could learn to look past his
other flaws, you know what I mean?

Look, the point is, I am not
asking you to go into the men's room

and look at a stranger's genitals.

Well... I'm asking you
to look inside my heart

and see how confused I am right now

and how much I need a hero.

Will you do that, bartender?

You're very pretty.

I'll do it.

Thank you.

Get on the sink!

Stop yelling!

Do you think Jessica's gonna mind?

Who cares?

Isn't she your best friend?

Stop talking about Jessica.

I'm not.

I don't even care about Jessica.

And in that moment, they both realized

how much Bruce cared about Jessica.

So, uh, should we just call it?

Yeah. Hand me my raccoon.

Yeah.

And for the first time in his life,

Bruce said no to sex with
someone he didn't like

because he wanted something more,

and that more was sitting
right down the street.

I'll tell you what, kiddo.

Let's never talk again.

I'd really like that.

We're almost there.

Oh, I feel so terrible.

If you hadn't stood up for me,
none of this would've happened.

Oh, those guys were jerks.

No, their girlfriends were way worse.

Oh! Ow!

Hey, I'm sorry people talk to you like
that and I can't do anything to stop them.

Aww. That's sweet.

And I'm sorry that I was ignoring you guys.

And I'm sorry I stood you up.

Yeah, why'd you do
that? That really sucked.

I don't know.

I've rushed into a lot of
relationships really fast before,

and it felt like I was doing it again.

Well... I could go slow.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Seriously, you guys, I think
I'm bleeding internally.

We might want to call an ambulance,
maybe a medevac helicopter.

What time do you get off?

- 2:00 A.M.
- I'll be here.

- I'll see you later.
- I'll see you.

Cal.

Cal, will you hold my hand? I'm so cold.

Yeah, we're outside, buddy.

I knew it.

No buffer required, right?

What's that now?

Oh, it's just, just...

Would you like to take a picture?

No, thanks.

I already have one.

Okay.

Well? Is it his?

Yes, it is.

It's even more beautiful in real life.

Oh, my God. I'm so glad it's his!

Nothing will ever be the same.

Wait. Am I?

Because on the one hand,

- that means he has a beautiful package.
- Handcrafted by God.

But on the other hand, that
means he's the kind of guy

who sends pictures of his package
to women, which is just so gross.

No, everybody does that. Congressmen do it.

But on the other other
hand, I'm engaged to Jim,

so this whole conversation
is kind of ridiculous.

Yeah, but that's...

But on the fourth hand,

I've crossed some pretty
serious lines tonight.

What's one more line?

I'm already on the train to whoretown, USA.

All I'm saying is maybe this is reason
enough for you to leave your fianc?e.

No.

Hmm?

Maybe.

It looks like it's winking at me.

Oh, my God, there he is.

I brought you something, my lady.

Thank you. I'm starving.

Mm-hmm.

Hmm? Oh.

Oh, my God. That is amazing.

I know, right? Thank you. Thank you.

God, if I could have sex
with any food in the world,

it would be this pizza.

Obviously! Yes! Mmm.

It means so much to
hear you say that to me.

Seriously, though, thank
you for bringing me this.

It's surprisingly thoughtful.

You want to go bang in the men's room?

Come on, man, not while I'm eating.

Okay. I'll ask again later.

Okay.

I can't believe Ron sent
you a picture of his wiener.

Oh, my God. You should've seen

the picture I sent back
to him, though... ooh! Oh?

It's hard to keep a sexy face, though,

when you're bent over the waterbed, like...

Whoa! You put your face
in a nudie pic? Yeah.

Yeah, you're seconds away
from being on the Internet.

No, Ron wouldn't do that.

Yeah, Ron wouldn't do that.

Ron is someone that
you met on the Internet,

so how well do you actually
know this guy, right?

I got to get that picture back asap.