Mixology (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 6 - Tom & Maya Part II - full transcript

(Bruce) This is the story of 10 strangers,

one night, and all the stupid,

embarrassing, ridiculous things we do...

to find love.

I can't believe those male
models just gave us their booth.

- Male models are so nice.
- I know.

And it's all calm and peaceful.

- Yeah. It's like a spa.
- Mm-hmm.

[Both sigh]

Hey!

- Aah!
- What's up, ladies?



- Nice booth!
- Whoo!

Hi.

Tom from like nine seconds ago.

- Who?
- Oh, no.

I'm just kidding.

- [Sighs]
- I was just kidding.

Oh, my God, you scared me so much.

Please don't ever do that again.

Oh, my God.

No, they don't!

Dogs in England do not say
"pip pip" when they bark.

Yes, they do.

And our roosters don't
say "cock-a-doodle-doo."

They simply say "good morning."



[Laughs] I love that.

I'm so glad I bumped into you tonight

because I've been having
a very strange night.

Oh, me too. I got stood up earlier.

- What?
- Yeah.

You're adorable.

That'd be like standing up a baby.

[Laughs]

Listen, I heard the roof of this place

has an amazing view.

I heard that, too.

But sadly, I've never been up there.

Would you care to join me?

Uh, I'd go on my own,

but that would feel a little... suicidey.

Oh, my God, they're here early tonight!

Hey, Kace... Kacey, where are you going?

What was all that about?

Oh, it's the firemen.

Firehouse is just across the street.

You know, they come in every night.

Girls love 'em.

Hey, they'll let you climb
in the fire trucks sometimes.

It's fun.

How bizarre.

In England, right, a
fireman isn't that special.

Firemen are huge here in New York.

No, I understand they're heroes...

9/11, Hurricane Sandy,
et cetera, et cetera.

But does that mean we're
just supposed to roll over

and surrender our women to them?

Yeah.

Well, that is unacceptable.

So, what does a blue
hawaiian even taste like?

Uh, it's gross. Yeah.

It tastes like...

like if you could drink
an airport bathroom,

that's what it would taste like.

[Both laugh]

Um, is it... is it weird

that my friends are just staring at us?

- Uh, yes.
- Yeah.

Look at Tommy running
game on this chick, huh?

- I'm so proud of our boy.
- Yeah.

Look. He's got your smile.

[Scoffs] Don't be ridiculous.

He's not really my boy.

Oh, my God, he does have my smile. Oh!

You know, call me crazy,

but Tommy might actually pull
this off tonight... maybe.

I know. I know. He's doing so well.

He finally got rid of
his nervous eye twitch.

God, we did such...

Cal.

It's the bitch that broke Tom's heart.

It's Laura!

Shh.

- This is a disaster.
- Mm-hmm.

He hasn't seen her since she
called off the engagement.

Tom is not ready to see her.

He is gonna ruin everything
he's built here tonight.

Okay, we either got to smuggle
Laura out in a big giant bag

or get Tommy out of here, stat.

"B." Let's go plan "B."

Yeah, good call. I don't even have a bag.

I don't know where I'd get a bag.

All right, thanks for your numbers, boys.

Maybe we'll call, and maybe we won't.

[Laughs]

Bye-bye.

That was amazing.

You two are so good with guys.

- Thanks.
- Yeah, we really are.

We've been perfecting our
game since high school, so...

- Mm-hmm.
- I'm thinking about making

some big life changes tonight, ladies.

But [Sighs] I have no game.

It's like a medical condition.

I-I put myself out there with this guy,

and then he turned out to be super-sketchy.

Do we know her?

No, I just... I don't know.

I just feel like I don't have the 411

on what gets you down in the groove.

And I-I feel like maybe my milkshake

never will bring a boy to the yard,

and... may... and I'll never be
able to drop it like it's hot.

Maybe you could just come join us,

and we could give you a few pointers.

- Really?
- Yeah. Really?

And I don't know why,

but every time I go
through airport security,

I can't help but take my belt off,

like, really sexy, like...

- [Hums]
- [Laughs] What?

- I know. It's weird.
- And you're...

- Hey, man.
- Hey, bud.

Hey, how's it going?

- Good. Uh, we're really connecting.
- Good, good.

Awesome. Good. We're leaving.

- What?
- Let's go. Get up.

- No. What are you doing?
- [Grunts] Sorry.

Hey, what... yeah, what's going on?

Um, none of your business, okay?

Why are you guys standing like that?

Me and Cal were standing like that

because we really didn't
want him to see his ex.

Why? Because Tom never
gives up on relationships.

It all started when Tom's
dad left him when he was 9.

- [Tires squeal]
- (Young Tom) Bye, dad!

Since then, he has fought

for every relationship he's ever had.

He never gave up on his father,
even when he should have.

He never gave up on his barber,

even when he clearly should have.

And he never gave up on Laura.

Laura?

Oh, hey. Did you pick up my dry-cleaning?

Uh, what's going on here?

And, yes, I put it in the hall closet.

This is Kellan, from work.

- Hey, man.
- Hey.

Uh, so, what are you guys watching?

"Tron Legacy." It's our favorite movie.

Oh, check out those light cycles.

I know. I love the light cycles.

[Both laugh]

I'm... I'm sorry, Laura,

but why are you spooning with another man?

We're just friends from
work, dude. Don't get weird.

Tom always gets super-jealous.

[Both laugh] No, no.

Something's wrong with our relationship.

H-how can I fix it?

Like I said, Tom never
gave up on relationships

even when he clearly, clearly,
very clearly should have.

How are we standing? What do you mean?

Are you trying to hide
something from me, or...

Oh, my God, it's Laura!

Great, Cal. I ask for one human
wall, and that's the effort I get?

- Awesome.
- Don't do that.

- I'm gonna go talk to her.
- No! Please don't.

- Please don't do that.
- No, Tom, don't do that.

That's the girl who dumped
you? She's beautiful.

You should see her on the inside.

Hey, Tommy, we found a way out the
back, through the kitchen, okay?

- She'll never see us, so let's roll. Come on.
- Come on. Let's go.

Guys, guys, relax.

I'm just gonna... I'm
just gonna go over there

and say what's in my heart,

and then we can all get on with our night.

- What are you talking about?
- Oh, come on!

Dude, Tommy, the first
time you run into your ex

after a breakup is an incredibly
traumatic event, okay?

You got to rehearse and
practice for months.

You can't just go out there and wing it.

We got to go. She's gonna see us.

Shut up!

What kind of guy runs away
from his ex-girlfriend?

- Oh, I do it all the time.
- Me.

Plus, look at her.

- She's got a cool new hairdo. Her skin looks amazing.
- Mm-hmm.

- This is a battle that Tommy cannot win right now.
- Mnh-mnh.

Please, chicks are all smoke and mirrors.

That's probably not
even her real boyfriend.

Look, that's definitely not her real hair.

Trust me, Tom, with a little bit of work,

we can ruin this chick, and it'll be great.

Okay, listen, her hair
is a weave. You're right.

But before the three of us
decide what Tommy's gonna do,

me and this cat got to
do some recon. Let's go.

Why can't I just do it my way?

Tom, you have no say in this whatsoever!

- Because your way is the way a prissy little panda!
- Idiot!

Sit down. I'm gonna teach
you how to destroy a woman.

Yep.

Okay, so, bars are filled
with two types of men.

We have creeps and nice guys.

Your job is to repel the creeps

- While drawing in the nice guys.
- Mm-hmm.

(Jessica) Creeps come in several types.

We have hair gel, scary beard,

the watcher, lacrosse,
and thick-framed glasses.

And nice guys also come
in different flavors.

You have adorably bad shoes, genuine smile,

the listener, cool job,

Jimmy Fallon, and thick-framed glasses.

- But...
- It's not an exact science.

I kind of like the Jimmy Fallons.

- Yeah, you would.
- [Laughter]

Let's go talk to them.

- Whoa, whoa!
- Whoa, whoa. Absolutely not.

A girl can never approach a guy.

Yeah, no, see, guys still think

that girls who approach them are crazy.

Yeah. And there's nothing worse for a girl

than being labeled crazy.

Like her.

Okay, so, if I can't approach guys,

then how do I talk to them?

[Laughs] Seriously now?

She's so cute.

Okay, so, you just...

- you give them the four-second look.
- Mm-hmm.

You hold eye contact with any
guy for four straight seconds,

and even the dumbest ones will come over.

- Yeah. It's awesome. Go ahead.
- Try it.

One, two, three...

You don't have to count.

Just... just easy breaths.

[Sighs]

Okay, you're gonna get us kicked out.

So, there we were, racing
ladder 12 down Broadway.

Shut up.

And I look over to Brock,

and I just knew this would be
a birthday he'd never forget.

- Oh!
- Oh!

How does that story end?

Did you get the cat out of the tree?

You got a problem, bro?

No, no, um, but neither do you,

because according to my friends at Google,

the number of fires has decreased 80%

over the past 40 years.

So humor me.

When was the last time you
guys actually saw a fire?

Don't answer that, Chet.

So you think you could do our job, bro?

Well, I'm not putting out a fire right now,

so, yeah, I'm doing your job as we speak.

(Woman) Wow. He's right.

Firefighters don't do anything.

Hey, I-it's not our fault

- that every building has a sprinkler sys...
- Not now, Chet!

Okay, yeah, I'm gonna just go back to work.

Way to just take down those firemen.

Thank you.

I've got a vicious rant
against the red cross, too,

- if you'd like to hear it.
- [Laughs]

Perhaps on the roof?

Are you Bradley?

- Hey, I-I recognize...
- Bruce?

- Oh!
- Cal.

- Oh, my God! Laura!
- Oh, my God! Laura!

- What a surprise!
- Huh? Wow!

- Cal.
- Hey.

Hey. Is Tom here?

No. Tom is on a date with a black girl.

Okay.

Okay, I am going to teach you

how to completely destroy your ex.

Okay, first, you need to start
with a backhanded compliment

like, "oh, I'm so glad
you're eating again."

- Then, when she finally feels super...
- Wait, wait, wait.

What... what if I don't want to hurt Laura?

I don't understand.

Well, we just ended so suddenly,

we never got to work on us,

and I feel like if you work
hard enough at any relationship,

you can make it work.

No. That's totally wrong.

If something is broken, you throw it away.

Like, what do you do if you have

a pair of shoes with a hole in it?

Uh, I take them to my
cobbler over and over again

until they're properly mended.

When it comes to relationships,

Maya is the opposite of Tom.

She's ended every relationship
she's ever been in.

Her first boyfriend, Timmy Verdugo,

dumped her in fifth grade.

It was the worst feeling she'd ever felt.

For Timmy Verdugo, the
worst feeling he'd ever felt

came nine seconds later,
when Maya kicked his ass

in front of all of his friends.

To protect herself, Maya
always got out of relationships

at the first sign of trouble.

Sometimes she even enjoyed it.

She even dumped her parents,

legally emancipating
herself when she turned 16.

The older she got, the pickier she became.

She could always find a reason
to break up with someone...

bad poetry, crooked teeth,
annoying coffee mugs.

And while she never got hurt again,

she also found she had no
meaningful relationships left.

When she met Tom earlier in the night,

you'd think he wouldn't stand a chance.

However...

Okay, so tell me about
this guy you just met.

Oh, my gosh.

His name was Tom, and he
was a complete train wreck.

- Oh...
- Yeah.

But he was the complete opposite
of the guys I normally meet.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

He was like a little kitten.

- Aww! I love kittens!
- Mm. Yeah.

But not like a
rough-and-tumble boy kitten...

like a sad, effeminate little-girl kitten

where even the other kittens are like,

"let's hurt that kitten."

- Aww!
- Yeah.

But he was really weird, and he was funny.

He was sweet. He was sweet.

- Whoa! Whoa.
- [Laughs] Mm.

It seems like you really like this guy.

No, Liv. He was way too emotional.

No. No. Don't do that.

You always look for a reason to get out.

Why not just look for a reason to get in?

Oh, my gosh, Liv, he cried... in a bar.

I cry in bars all the time.

And I'm amazed we're still friends.

Okay, but the point is,

just give this guy
another chance, you know?

It's like, I've never seen you

not hate somebody so much before.

- Fine.
- Yes.

- But if he cries again, I'm walking away.
- Okay.

And then I'm walking back,

punching him in the empty space

where his balls are supposed to be,

and walking away again.

That's fair enough.

Okay, sorry.

So how do I know if a relationship is dead

or if it just needs more work?

I don't know.

You just... you just... you just feel it,

like if... if you're talking with someone

and you like talking with them like this,

then that relationship is good.

It's still alive.

But if you're talking with someone

and all you can think is,

"oh, my gosh, how can I fake a seizure

to get out of this situation right now?"

Then that relationship is dead
and you have to walk away.

I've just, like... I've
never ended anything before.

I-I'm not an ender.

Oh, well, I am. Yeah. And it's really fun.

(Jessica) Wow, the Jimmy Fallons

still haven't responded
to your four-second look?

Nope. And I'm not even
doing it weird anymore.

Okay, you could also try the
look, look away, look back,

also known as the shampoo commercial.

Mm.

Or you could give a
suggestive mouth movement,

like...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, and use props...

a lipstick, a straw,

a giant sausage, cucumber, candlestick,

curling iron, rolling pin,

carrot, parsnip, eggplant, um...

I think we get it...

like objects that look like a penis.

Yeah, exactly.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Okay, I'm gonna do the other one first.

- Shampoo commercial. Go.
- Okay.

Look, look away, look back.

[All gasp] Ooh!

It's perfect.

- Okay, they are definitely coming over.
- Okay.

[Clears throat]

[Gasps] Oh, my gosh!

This is amazing!

It's like I'm in a movie about roofs!

Indeed. It almost makes
you forget your problems.

[Door closes]

Almost.

[Door handle rattles]

Okay. And we're leaving now.

Yeah, Laura's doing amazing.

That guy is totally her boyfriend,

he's a surgeon, and he's really nice.

Really nice. Like, nicer than you, dude.

Wow. I'd love to meet him.

Plus, she's lost nine pounds,

got a flirty new lipstick color
that really complements her eyes,

- and just got promoted to vice president at work.
- Vice president. Yeah.

Oh, God, she so deserved that.

Okay.

Yeah, you should probably go.

- Really?
- Yeah. You can't win this.

All right, well, it was
really nice meeting you.

And thank you so much for
talking to me for so long.

I'm gonna call you as soon as I get
home just so you know that I got in.

- All right, that's enough.
- Let's go. Come on. Let's go. Okay.

[Sighs] Okay, Cal, human wall.

Show me what you got this time.

- Man, he's like a foot taller than I am.
- Make no excuses, my friend.

I'm not making excuses.
I'm giving you 110%.

[All gasp]

Are you okay?

Laura saw me. I'm down. T-Tom is down.

(Bruce) Help her up.

Laura saw me. What do I do?

- Okay, okay.
- Be cool. Be cool. I got this.

We're gonna pull the fire alarm,

and then we're gonna blend in with
the crowd as they escape here, okay?

All right, stop it. Whatever these
clowns are saying, you're not doing.

Now that you've seen her,
you have to talk to her.

- Is that true?
- (Bruce & Cal) Yes.

- Industry standard.
- Thanks.

Okay. All right, it's not
gonna be that bad, right?

Ooh, Tommy, I hate to be crude
because there's a lady present,

but Laura's gonna rip your
heart clean out of your chest

- and eat it right in front of your face.
- Probably.

W-why would she do that?

Oh, no one's answering.

Why are bars so loud?

Let us in, you drunken savages!

Okay, what is up with these nice guys?

I don't know. I don't know, but I am done.

(Liv) Wait, Jessica. Wait.

I thought you said never approach guys.

Sometimes you have to break the rules

- because men are dumb.
- Yeah.

Hey, nice guys. What's the deal?

Yeah, our friend Liv here

has been sending you signals
for like half an hour.

Why haven't any of you dorks come over?

I don't get it.

You nice guys are always complaining...

"why do girls go for the
jerks and the creeps?"

Do you want to know why? Yeah?

Because they're the only
ones who have the balls

to come over and talk to us.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah. We're not crazy.

- You make us crazy.
- Mm.

Yeah, with your messenger bags

and your matching brown hair

and your amazing relationships
with your parents.

Yeah, I am over it.

Do you boys have anything
to say for yourselves?

I'm sorry we didn't respond to you.

We're just here celebrating
my friend's first night out.

His first night out since what?

Since the accident.

Oh, my God. I am so sorry.

We didn't want to chase girls tonight.

We just wanted to be there for Clark.

Yes. You're nice guys.

We're gonna go.

Feel better, Clark.

I'm paralyzed.

[Groans]

Really? This was the best
way to get us off the roof?

- Well...
- [Cheers and applause]

You can never be too careful, pal.

There was a door.

Yeah, I know.

[Indistinct conversations]

Do I have to let go?

Take all the time you need.

Okay. Can I have your number?

Yeah. It's 911.

[Squeals]

Very well, firemen, you win this round.

But remember, your job
could be done by rain.

Take care, now.

Okay, remember... keep it
brief. No emotion. No crying.

Just crush her self-esteem and get out.

Go.

♪ I'm a man ♪

♪ Spelled "M" ♪

♪ "M" ♪

♪ "A" ♪

♪ "N" ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

I miss you so much,
Laura. You're so pretty.

- [All groan]
- There it is.

Tom, oh, honey.

I think about you every single day.

Do you still think about me?

No, I don't. I'm so sorry.

It's okay.

I just have a really hard
time ending relationships.

Seriously, how many times is
this kid gonna cry tonight, huh?

I just always believe
that things can get better

because sometimes people
change in awesome ways,

and what if you gave up on
someone and you missed out

on the best version of them?

That would suck so hard.

Typical Tom, making a scene.

[Voice breaking] Thanks,
Laura. You're so nice.

[Sniffles]

And smart and beautiful.

No.

And she's great at organizing
trips. You're gonna love that.

That is actually very true.

She is really good at planning trips.

- Okay. All right.
- She is super.

- That's true.
- Super-good, actually.

Tom, don't cry for me. It's embarrassing.

Oh, I'm not crying for you.

I'm crying 'cause our relationship is dead,

and that's really sad to me.

What'd he say?

What's that, now?

Thanks for being my
girlfriend for eight years.

It was really cool.

But I thought we were
still gonna be friends.

Say no.

- Say no. Say no.
- Say no.

No, we're not. We're not.

[Laughs]

Goodbye, Laura.

[Smooches]

I'm so glad you're eating again.

Man, we keep saying how
bad Tommy is at this,

but maybe he's better than all of us.

I know. I know. I did it all wrong.

- I got emotional.
- No, no.

You did it... you did
everything just right.

And I really liked
everything that you said.

You used my backhanded compliment.

Do you want to get a drink with me,

without my friends watching?

[Chuckles]

Um...

Uh, yeah. Okay.

[Chuckles]

Maya swore she'd walk
away if Tom cried again.

And she did... only she did it with Tom.

- He's got your walk.
- Don't be ridiculous.

Oh, my God, he does have my walk.

That's... that's kind of disturbing.

- [Gasps]
- Ooh!

My God. You are such an idiot.

Ugh!

Hold up. Hold up.

Is this destiny?

Nope.

No? It seems that way.

This cute little fall,

this clear sexual chemistry we're having.

Can I have my birth control?

- I hope you're using this.
- Mm.

We met at the bar before, remember?

Yeah, you hit on my friend Jessica.

You said I had ratty hair.

What? That must've been someone
that looks just like me.

I would never... I'm Bruce,

and I'm sure Jessica has talked all...

no, it's never gonna happen.

- Whoa!
- Adios.

Brucie like.

Man, I'm sorry we didn't
find you a nice guy.

Oh, please. It's not your fault.

I suck at this stuff.

Hey.

I saw your suggestive
mouth movements earlier.

Give me a call sometime.

Boom!