Mixology (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 5 - Fab & Jessica & Dominic - full transcript

♪

Bruce: This is the story of 10 strangers,

one night, and all the stupid,
embarrassing, ridiculous things we do...

To find love.

♪ Yeah ♪

Oh, I knew it!

[Both laugh]

So, ladies, can I get
you another round or what?

Yes, please. Fill me
up, Spanish. [Chuckles]

Well, it's actually Dominic.

- Fab.
- Jessica.



All right. [Chuckles]

Is this about to get weird?

By weird, do you mean a
little friendly competition?

[Both laugh] Okay, same
rules as high school.

Anything goes as long as we stay friends.

All right, let's do
this. Whoo! [Both laugh]

Ooh.

- Bruce: Excuse me. Hey, I know you see us.
- Tom: Excuse me. Oh, hey.

Can we get some drinks? For the
love of God, we need some alcohol!

[Sighs] Cal, this is your
fault. You stood her up.

But you told me to stand her
up. And I really liked her.

Mm-hmm, yeah... that's because I thought
she was gonna break your heart, okay?

And now we can't get alcohol to
save our life, and that's way worse!

We need to leave this section immediately.



Go seatless after 10:00? Are
you insane? We'll be refugees.

I don't want to be a refugee.

Okay, then what do you propose we do, Cal?

Just sit here and hope drink
fairies bring us booze all night?

Accios cocktilios!

Tommy, no "Harry Potter" tonight.

- No "Harry Potter" any night.
- Mm-hmm.

Guys, guys, problem solved...
There's a small standing area

near the bathroom where
we can rest our drink.

- The ledge? - Oh, dude, are
you talking about the ledge?

Are you crazy?

Only losers and pedophiles
hang out at the ledge.

No girl wants to get smashed out

in a place that smells like
urinal pucks and ball sweat.

The only reason girls go over there

is to get away from
guys or to secretly fart.

Mm-hmm. Oh.

Oh! Hey! They're getting their bills.

There's a booth! Ohh! Oh, my God! Go, go!

- Hello, mate.
- Hey. What can I get you?

Actually, I was just wondering what
you knew about that cute brunette.

The one with the ponytail.

She's short.

Indeed she is, yeah.

I suppose the truth is I kind of like her,

so if there's anything you
could tell me that might...

Her friend's short, too.

Thank you.

That actually is quite interesting.

- Okay, thanks, mate. Cheers. Bye.
- Yeah.

Oh, God, I hope he's not too hot.

Jessica: What does that mean?

You know how hot guys are
usually just happy and dumb?

Okay?

Then there's this other level of hotness

where the whole world treats you different.

Actually, the whole world
did treat him differently.

[Grunts]

He was the hottest baby
the nurses had ever seen.

[All gasping]

The nice thing about being hot

is that the world just gives
you whatever you want...

Love, attention, and
endless hatred from nerds.

When he left home for New York,

Dom had never known a day's struggle.

He stumble into a bar and
instantly got offered a job.

Dominic had never met a nicer
bunch of people than New Yorkers.

He worked three nights a week

and made more money than
most people make in a month.

The rest of the week he
spent staring off into space

and having sex with random people.

But despite his easy life,

Dominic always felt like
there was something missing.

Usually, it was just his shirt.

But sometimes, it was something deeper.

That something turned out to be music.

Music challenged Dominic in a
way that nothing else ever had.

So, the numbers came in for
your first week of sales today.

So? Well, how are we doing?

50.

- 50...
- 50,000 units?!

No, 50. 5-0.

W-w-what do you think it was?

Well, for one,

I think we should have gone
with the other album cover.

I wanted it to be about the music.

No, it's not. [Sighs]

For the first time in his life,
he didn't get what he wanted.

So he put away his guitar

and fell back on what
his looks could get him,

which was still pretty bitching.

♪ Yeah ♪

- How's your night going?
- Oh, good.

Those two girls are
trying to have sex with me.

Cool.

So, if I did move to London,

how long do you think it
would take to get an accent?

I don't know. A week if you're Madonna.

[Laughs]

Oh, here comes that guy you kissed.

God, he's so much hotter than your fiancé.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Hey. What can I get you?

Uh, I'll have the Gin Rickey,

and the ladies will have the
champagne, the billecart rosé.

You don't remember me, do you?

No.

Yes, of course I do! Yes!

Lovely to see you again.

Um, actually, let's make
that the billecart vintage.

Thanks so much.

Do you know her from England?

Um...

You totally slept with her, didn't you?

What?! No! No. Come on.

I-I wouldn't... I'm
not the sort of...

It is possible, yeah.

What?

Okay, paying their bill.

Hey, Tommy. Tighten up, will you?

We need to be one cohesive unit
or we'll never land this booth.

Uh-oh. We got company.

Those guys? Come on.
We can take those guys.

Tommy, come on. Scoot it in.

Geez, relax. It's just a booth. [Chuckles]

- What?!
- Wow! W...

This is not just a booth, my friend.

This is a sexual vessel that's
gonna take us to bone island.

The advantages of a good
booth cannot be overstated.

Mm. Like, look at the sight lines.

Dual traffic, access... you could
this booth has everything.

In less than two hours,

this booth is gonna be in
the eye of a sexual hurricane,

and I want to get soaked.

- Me, too. - Could I, uh,
invite Maya to our booth?

Yeah, if you want to
have sex with her, sure.

Oh, so there's movement,
movement, movement.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

No way!

♪

Nice try, Fedora. We got numbers, bro.

- Nicely done.
- Mm-hmm.

Be good to her.

Oh, we will.

Okay.

[Laughs] Dude!

Yes! The booth is ours!

Ooh, guys! This is our night.

This is our moment to shine.

You know who makes the best bajito?

I'm guessing someone famous?

- Nicole Scherzinger.
- Boom!

I love Nicole Scherzinger.

I love the Pussycat Dolls.

I mean, she's just, like, the sweetest.

- This is crazy.
- What?

I got all her books.

Yeah? Oh.

Well, we might be talking about
different Nicole Scherzingers.

- You're an interesting girl.
- Yeah. [Chuckles]

- This is actually kind of fun.
- It is.

But now I'm gonna have to crush you.

What?

Excuse me.

Hey, can get Angry Dutch Orgy?

- What?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

That can't be a drink.

Oh, but it is.

Yeah, you start with barley
wine and then you add...

You know what?

Why don't I just come
back there and show you?

Okay, come on in.

Well played, old lady.

[Laughs] Let's go.

[All cheering]

Okay, I get it about the booth.

It feels like a baby deer.

[Laughs]

This thing is bigger than my apartment.

Yes, it is, Cal.

And we're gonna use all that room

when our new friends arrive.

Dennis and Jeff, from the museum?

No, dude. Girls. We're
here to get laid, Tom.

Cool. I'm gonna go round up some honey.

- No. No, you won't.
- Why am I not?

Because you blew it with the waitress.

And what is rule number one?

- Know your fire exits.
- Know when you're cold.

- Should I get drinks?
- No.

We'll order drinks when the girls get here

as an inclusive gesture
that cements the group.

What, do you live underground?

[Groans]

So, mate, does this happen to you a lot?

Forgetting the names of the birds you shag?

No. I remember all of them.

Mm. All of them?

- Wait. Are you gross?
- No!

Look, please, surely
you guys don't remember

the names of all the men you've slept with.

- Mnh-Mnh.
- Jim and Glen

Wait, and?

It was very special.

Are you amish?

No.

Have you been in a coma for
a long part of your life?

No.

Is Glenn an acronym
for a large organization

of very attractive, virile men?

Oh, my God, you're totally gross.

No, I'm not gross! [Laughs]

- It's Kacey.
- Hmm. Yes! Of course it is!

Hello, Kacey. Lovely to see you.

I'm from Long Island.

Long Island! It's Kacey from long island.

I'm from Ohio.

Oh! Ohio.

Are you sure Ohio's not in Long Island?

Liv: No. No. Mnh-Mnh.

I can't believe Bruce thinks

that two people can hold a booth this big.

I'm gonna go ask Maya to join us.

No, dude! No! No! [Stammers]

[Sighs] Tommy!

Then muddle the mint.

- Okay. Mm-hmm.
- And add this.

Oh, that's dish-washing
soap. You don't want that.

Oh! [Laughs]

Jessica is so absent-minded.

Maybe she's pregnant again.

She gets pregnant all the time.

I meant this greenish fluid.

So, mint over mint, huh?

Yeah. So, do you like being a bartender?

Well, it's not what I dreamt of
doing, but, uh, it's still very cool.

What did you dream of doing?

I was a musician.

Oh! Really?! That is so awesome!

Yeah, that is awesome.

Jessica has two bastard
children with a musician.

[Clears throat] So, do
you still play music?

No. I cut a CD, and nobody bought it.

So I stopped.

Yeah, I get that. I mean, sometimes it's
just too painful. You have to let it go.

Yeah.

Hey! Hey, you gonna drink
your delicious fake drink?

Yes.

Drink up, lady.

Bottoms up.

[Sips]

It's a little grosser
than I remember, but...

[Clears throat]

Hey, uh, you ever been to a Dutch Orgy?

[Both laugh] Fab: I have.

I've been to a Dutch Orgy.

- Yeah, it's not so bad.
- Here, let me try it.

[Gasps] Oh!

I swear I did not mean to do that.

God, I hate these straps.

Oh, hey. Do you need
to sit down right here?

Oh, my God, thank you.

You're welcome.

I love your booth. Oh.

Can I invite my friends to sit here?

They're all models, but
they're kind of drunk.

Yes. Yes, you can.

Yeah? Okay.

[Sighs] Ah, what are you gonna do?

Accidents happen, right?

I mean, you said you were sorry.

Hmm.

So, Dom, what does a girl have to
do to listen to one of your cds?

- Go to Amazon.
- Okay.

Or do you have any copies here?

Oh. What... you want to go have sex now?

What? You are so forward. [Gasps]

Yeah, let's go.

Hey, Paddy. Cover for me.

Seriously, how many
women have you slept with?

Look, culturally,

European men are generous
with their love bits.

Dude, what is your number?

Who can say? What are numbers?

Oh, my God! Is it too many to count?

No! It's... well, it's more
than 2 but less than 100.

100?

Okay, sweetie, when a guy
says 100, he means like 200.

What?! Well, I've never even met 200 women!

I didn't say 200 women!

That came from her mouth,
and she's completely...

Okay, yeah, it could be closer to 200.

- Maya: So 400. You're definitely gross.
- No, I'm not!

And that is over many, many years.

How old are you?

65. I'm 65 years old.

- Okay. Ew.
- Tom: Hey. Hey, Maya.

It's Tom, from from before.

Ah, yeah, no, I haven't forgotten.

Awesome.

Uh, well, so, we got a booth, which I guess

is an incredibly big deal,
and I... I wanted to invite you

and your friend to come sit with us.

Uh, yeah, I'm good to go.

Liv, are you good?

Yeah. I'm good.

Have a good night.

I should have just said three.

♪

So, the booth apparently
has really good sight lines.

I'm not totally sure
what that means, but...

Oh, Bruce, Bruce!

This is Maya and Liv.

Hi. I'm Bruce.

These are two random
girls I just picked up.

Oh.

So, I was just telling
Maya about our booth. Yeah.

Oh! It is the best booth in the bar.

Wait till you see this.

We can spread out. And
when you... what's this?!

I didn't know they were
gonna be male models!

Excuse me.

What is your problem?

I'm really sorry. [Laughs]

I guess we don't have a booth after all.

It's fine. It's just a booth.

I know. That's what I said,
but they got so mad at me.

[Laughs] It's fine.

- It's good. Liv.
- Don't you push me.

Cal, don't.

[Indistinct shouting]

Get off my... get
off my neck, Cal.

Freak! You're a freak of
nature! Get off my body!

Guys, I'm gonna get
drinks. What do you want?

Vodka tonic!

I'll be right back.

Hey, Kacey?

Oh, so now you know my name.

Yeah, look, I wanted to apologize

for forgetting our time together.

If it's any consolation,

doing so has just made me
look like a massive sleaze

in front of the first girl
I've liked for some time.

So hopefully, there's some justice there.

But again, my apologies.

Well, thank you, Dirk.

So sorry. Did you say just "Dirk"?

Oh, my God.

I totally didn't have sex with
you at the ESPN zone, did I?

I'm sorry. W-what zone is that?

Oh! I am so sorry for all that weird...

I'm having a really interesting night,
and you look so much like this guy Dirk

who took me out and then had
sex with me at a theme restaurant

and then never called me again.

Well, I'm... I'm not Dirk,

but I have been Dirk plenty of times, um,

in far nicer restaurants, obviously.

But on behalf of Dirks
everywhere, I'm truly sorry.

That's really sweet.

[Chuckles]

Thank you, Dirk.

Right. Again, Dirk is someone different.

Well, put on your CD.

- Get yourself naked.
- Okay.

[Scoffs]

I haven't seen this in awhile.

Why did you quit music?

I poured my heart in this CD
and it turned out really good.

But, um, it somehow failed.

It broke my heart.

- You know?
- Yeah.

Fab can totally relate to this.

Her whole life has been a struggle.

Even her birth was difficult.

[Groaning] Her mom spent 32 hours in labor,

and she never forgave Fab.

[Grunts]

Fab had a hard childhood.

Her parents fought terribly
and dressed even worse.

Sweet cat shirt, lady.

Nothing kept Fab down.

When things got tough at home,

she would put on her awesome flower hat

and go to Jessica's house.

Their plan was to someday go to Paris

and start their own fashion line.

When Jess got pregnant,
Fab went to Paris alone.

And shockingly, it was
even worse than New Jersey.

No money, late nights, constant rejections,

and, worst of all, French dudes.

She finally got her big break
on a major photo shoot in Borneo.

Oh, I hate Borneo.

There's, like, no restaurants.

How's the waist feel?

Terrible. Excuse me?

Can you make it, like, any hotter in here?

We're, um, outside in the jungle?

And you're, um, fired.

[Laughs]

No, I'm serious.

I'm Nicole Scherzinger, and you're fired.

Not helping. Exiting.

And how's the waist now, Nicole?

Oh, it's worse. Are you even trying?

Yeah, I'm... I'm trying
really hard, actually.

You know what? You're fired, too.

Yeah, I'm going back to my tree house.

No, you can't fire me.

I-I just spent the past four months

building these clothes for you.

I flew to Borneo on my own
dime just to dress you for free.

I haven't slept in three days.

It's not my fault it took you four
months to make this wretchedness.

It turns out, beautiful, rich
pop divas aren't always nice.

Trust me. I know all about failure.

I got to say, there's a lot
more to you than I thought.

Yeah. You, too.

You know what? I'm
gonna play my CD for you.

- You're gonna love it.
- [Giggles] About time.

[Soft music plays]

Two people struggling
to fulfill their dreams.

In many ways, they were
perfect for each other.

Dominic: ♪ My one and only love ♪

♪ Funny how you're here ♪

- ♪ With me ♪
- Wait. Wait. What is that?!

- ♪ Wherever you wander ♪
- Seriously, what is that?

Bruce: In other ways, not so much.

♪ I feel you here ♪
- It's retro.

That's a lot of sax. I'm gonna turn it off.

Well, m-m-most people
like it. [Music stops]

How long did you work on that?

A long time. Like two weeks.

Two whole weeks? And
then you just quit music?

It hurt too much.

It hurt too much? No, dude.

No, you do not know hurt.

I've spent my entire life
busting my ass to do what I do

and I still fail 99% of the time.

Man up. Stop being so lazy.

[Scoffs] Wow.

Nobody's ever spoken to me like that.

That's because everyone's been
trying to have sex with you

since you were 14.

Yep. Back in the ladies room.

I feel like I've spent
the entire night in here.

If you could just stare at me
quietly, that would be great.

Yeah.

There you are. Oh, my God.

All right, all right, all right,
you won. Okay, go ahead and gloat.

No. No. Actually, you won.

You didn't have to listen to his stupid CD.

- It was that bad?
- Yeah.

I am so sorry about your dress.

I'm sorry that I suggested
this stupid competition.

I guess I just thought
that competing with you

would somehow make me feel
like I still got it, you know?

'Cause... I'm just jealous
of your awesome life.

My life isn't always completely awesome.

Really.

Don't be jealous of me.

Okay.

Don't be jealous of me,
either. Kids are so hard.

No, I know. I'm not jealous of you.

[Laughs] You're ridiculous.

[Both laugh]

Give me a hug, bitch.

Bruce: Whether we like it or not, we
all compete with each other.

Sometimes we win...

[Indistinct conversations]

And sometimes we lose.

Oh, my God.

Sometimes we push each other to do better.

But usually the biggest victory

is when we don't compete at all.

[Laughs]

I can't believe we're on the ledge.

This is disgusting, okay?
Look at these filthy animals.

It's like "Mad Max" over here.

The guy next to me is eating
guacamole out of a plastic bag.

Cal: Okay, come on, guys.

Let's try to keep it positive, all right?

We're incredibly hot by comparison.

- There's a waitress.
- Hey, excuse me? Oh, it's Kacey.

Hey, Kacey. Hey. Hi. Hey,
listen, can we get... um, get...

Man, she really holds a grudge.

I love that.

You guys, the guacamole is amazing.

You got to try it.

I can't believe those male
models just gave us their booth.

Male models are so nice.

I know. And it's all calm and peaceful.

Yeah. It's like a spa.

Mm-hmm. [both breathe deeply]

- Bruce: Hey!
- Aah!

What's up, ladies? Nice booth!

- Whoo!
- Hi.

Tom from, like, nine seconds ago.

- Who?
- Oh, no.

I'm just kidding.

[sighs] I was just kidding.

Oh, my god, you scared me so much.

Please don't ever do that again.

Oh, my God.

Okay, ready for your
first music-video shoot?

I thought the video was supposed
to be me singing out in the woods.

It is. That's what the green screen's for.

Lose the shirt.

Why would I... why would my shirt be off?

Because it gets hot in the woods.

Where's the baby oil?
Fly in the baby-oil team!

It's a love song. It's not a sexy song.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Thanks for reminding me.

You know the lyric "I
love you just in case"?

Mm-hmm. I'd like you to change
it to "put your booty on my face."

- But that changes the song.
- Yeah.

It makes it suck less.

Lose the pants, keep the boots.

And instead of the guitar,

we want you to hold this machine gun.

[Sighs]

I can't do this.

- Sor...
- I can't do this.

What?

I'm an artist!