Mixology (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 4 - Cal & Kacey - full transcript

this is the story
of 10 strangers,

one night,
and all the stupid,

embarrassing,
ridiculous things we do...

...to find love.

♪ yeah

♪ yeah

hey.
can i order shots from you?

of course.
what can i get you?

uh, have you heard
of an anaconda?

i had those every summer
back where i'm from.

oh, a small town in ohio you've
probably never heard of.



well,
i'm from greentree, ohio.

no way!
yes way.

i am from west greentree!
you are a liar.

no!
okay, pop quiz.

for the dingo dogs
with extra kraut?
dingo dogs
with extra kraut.

i'm kacey.

i'm cal.

uh...
um...

i will get you
those shots.

all right.

oh, it's so on.

♪ yeah

i can't believe i kissed a man
who wasn't my fianc?.

I mean, was it a good kiss?
Yeah.



was it a great kiss?

yeah,
it was the best kiss ever.

it was like kissing an italian
racecar driver at sunset.

but that --
that doesn't mean anything.

people do crazy stuff at
bachelor parties all the time.

wait. when did this become
a bachelor party?

and it's not
like i like ron.

it -- ron is just a man
that i met at a bar.

a-a gorgeous, exotic, charming,
man with a beautiful mouth.

oh, my god, i need to go home
before i destroy my life.

no, tiger. stay.
this is good.

like, you need to go and see
where this is going.

i -- but what about jim?

like, seriously,
jim is always gonna be there.

we know that.
he's like a fungus.

i don't know.

you are clearly second-guessing
marrying jim.

so you can either deal with this
now or after you're married.

but at some point, you're
gonna have to deal with this.

oh, i know.

but i don't even know
what it is about ron.

i've never felt
like this before.

it's like he makes my body
all tingly,

like when i have
too much root beer.

liv,
that's a good thing, okay?

you're
supposed to feel tingly.

okay.

i'm gonna stay and explore
my feelings for ron.

good. good for you.

i'm gonna send him
my panties.

what?

thanks, mate.

quick question --
i just kissed a woman

who then wordlessly
ran away from me

and it was quite possibly
the most awkward moment

of my entire life.

kissing someone
and then running away,

or is she just really,
really, really weird?

i-i don't know. that's never
happened to me, man.

okay. good.
'cause if it was normal,

i'd have to move
to a different country.

cheers.

and i want three kids.

me too!
a girl and two boys.

and i was gonna start
in the city,

but then the boys
are gonna need --

need room to run,
so upstate.
yes.

and i want to live in a house
shaped like a barn.

oh, is that weird?
super-weird.

because i've always
wanted to live in a
house shaped like a barn!

what's really weird is that
there's a waitress at our table

and we don't have
any drinks.

hey, kace.

your customers
keep asking me for drinks.

which ones?
all of them.

you are a waitress.
go wait on them.

okay.
i'll be right there.

i've got to go.

yeah, i know.

but i'll be right back.

okay.
okay.

oh, my god.
i think she might be the --

i will punch you
in the neck if you say that!

I think
she might be the one.

oh, my god,
cal, are you okay?

are you okay?

no, no, no, no!

shockingly,
bruce is in the right here.

cal has met "the one" before.

in fact,
he's met her many times...

cal was born in a small town.

dr. nesbit delivered him

shortly before
he delivered the mail.

whose parents loved
the hell out of him

and praised him
for everything he did,

even finishing his breakfast.

so cal became an optimist.
he was quick to fall in love.

this woman liked coffee yogurt.

so did cal, so, naturally,
they got married.

then he learned that his
new wife was super-negative

and never smiled.

they got divorced,

and cal quickly
fell in love again,

this time to his dentist.

they, too, got married.

unfortunately, like most
dentists, she was sadistic.

they got divorced, and cal
quickly got married again.

this one turned out to be
a recovering sex addict,

except maybe not so recovered.

bruce liked her a lot.
but cal got divorced again.

finally, cal started
to question the wisdom

of always following
his heart.

i'm 26 years old, and i've been
married three times.

who does that?

lots of people!
kelsey grammer!

mm.
no, i'm serious, man.

i'm trying to stay positive,
but i don't know

how many more times
i can go through this.

it's too painful.

hey, don't give up, cal.
or dgive up, cal, okay?

because clearly what you're
doing, it's not working.

you just
keep marrying people.

i'm surprised
you haven't married someone

the thing is, i loved
every one of those women.

mm-hmm.
like, i felt it in my heart.

and they all turned out to be
completely different people.

so what? i'm supposed to
ignore my heart now?

no! never!
yes, always!

because clearly
you have a stupid heart.

stop listening to your stupid,
stupid heart, cal.

start listening
to your brain and your balls.

and by your brain,
i-i definitely mean your balls.

listen up, dude.
listen to the balls of mankind.

or you can just accept
that you've made some mistakes

and follow your heart
one last time.

or bruce's balls thing.

mm-hmm. my balls thing.

why are
we having a picnic?

i thought it'd be nice.

yeah, it's okay.

look, all i know is the next
time i say i found the one,

i need you guys to st--

to punch you in the neck!
thank you!

i'm gonna curl up
these little orange muscles here

and
right under your chin.

we're in a public place!

oh, come on, he's not
marrying the waitress.
he's just talking to her.

he's about to run off to some
strip mall and grab a ring.

and because he likes it,
he's gonna put a ring on it.

did you not just see
what happened?

i have crazy chemistry
with this girl.

yeah, it reminded me
of when i met maya.

it was magical.

tom, stop it.

was i didn't know the women
i was marrying.

i feel like i've known kacey
my entire life.

and she's not like them.

she's sweet and she's positive
and she's fun.

and she's the one.

no!
she's not the one!

she's the waitress
at the bar!

dude, come on.
see through this.

waitresses are just
strippers with food.
that's all they are.

they're just trying to get
your money.

dude, you love strippers.

yeah.
that -- whatever!

waitresses are nice people
who bring you things.

follow your heart.

no, dude. no, okay?

i'll show you
that this is wrong.

i'll call her over here,
and in five seconds,

i'll make
this amazing connection with her

that's right.
i'll beat you to the punch.

i'm gonna marry her
before you.

fine. call her over.

whoo!

okay.

do you
hear somebody crying?

no.
yes.

i don't hear anything.
i do.

then let's go.
stop it. come on.

we can't leave
a crying girl.

you know how this works.

once you get started
with a crying girl,

you can never get out.

it's like
tina what's-her-face?

come on, junior homecoming?
oh.

yeah. and we didn't escape
till dawn the next day.

wait.
i-i-i-is someone in here?

are you okay, sweetie?

do you have any friends
that you could call, maybe?

no!
no, my friends suck!

th-they all went out without me
tonight!
aww.

maybe they ditched you
'cause you cry too much.

ow!

i'm so sorry, sweetie.

do you want to t-tell us
what happened?

oh, my god, that's so nice.
thank you.

but i just want you to know
it's, like...

it's definitely
a really long story.

girls aren't sending guys
their panties anymore?

it's like a thing.
i read about it.

it's people doing it
up in the clubs.

liv, nobody's doing it
up in the clubs,

and nobody says,
"doing it up in the clubs."

you have bad information.

i already kissed a guy tonight.
i might as well go all in.

oh, okay. and then
what do you hope to achieve?

i just want him to think
i'm fun and sexy,

like anna kendrick,
you know?

oh, shoot.

oh,
i'm wearing my day-to-days.

i can't send him
my day-to-day.

they, like,
come up to my chin.

they look
like a pillowcase.

i know you haven't flirted
with anyone in about 50 years,

but nobody does this.

like, nobody d--
i'm telling you.

dude, dude, have you ever had
a girl give you her panties?

yeah, all the time.

well, not that guy.

so, uh, what are
you rocking under there?

don't worry about it.

i bet you're wearing
awesome panties.
no.

i bet they're, like, sleek
black panties from the future.

no, they're just
my work panties.

maya...
give me your panties.

all right.

take a picture, 'cause this is
what a good friend looks like.

maya,
these panties are beautiful.

what is this, made in china?
that is so fancy.

please stop reading
my panties.

okay, so, where do i stick it?
do i put...
i don't know.

wish me luck.

no.

okay.

hey, hey, watch this.

hey. kacey.

here she comes.
watch the fireworks.

hey, kacey,
how are you?

i want to order
a round of drinks, uh, for my --

for my buddies here,
'cause what's money

if you can't share
with your friends?

you know what i mean?
uh, what do you suggest?

i don't know. beer?

i love beer.
i love beer.

i love beer.

um, what's your favorite beer,
kacey?

oh, i hate beer.

so many empty carbs.
so many empty carbs.

really?

seriously, i feel
like a really bad friend.

i had no idea
you liked beer.

in the entire world,
everyone but these two weirdos.

so, a round of beers?

yes. i'd love that.
thank you, kacey.

she's so pretty.

i rest my case.

dude,
you are an idiot.

you had no connection with her
whatsoever!
okay.

you had more of a connection
with tom.
that's true, actually.

i feel very connected to you
right now.

just admit it.
she is my soul mate.

no!

that girl
is not your soul mate!

as many times
as cal has been wrong,

this time
he just happens to be right.

kacey was born in the small
town right next to cal's.

dr. nesbit delivered her
right before he put out a fire.

just like cal,
kacey was an only child

whose parents adored her.

kacey was upbeat and positive,
and, just like cal,

she followed her heart
wherever it lead her.

when kacey met brad,
she just knew.

his frosted tips
were so clutch.

after graduation, kacey
and brad moved to new york

and got jobs at planet tan
in chelsea.

their dream was to one day open
a discount tanning salon

for poor people
who still wanted to be tan.

oh, hey, steven!

oh, god, would you just please
tell her already?

tell me what?

if you don't,
i will.

kace...

...i'm super gay.

what?!

babe, i was a male cheerleader.
i love tanning.

and i'm currently applying
lotion to another man's abs,

which he can
clearly reach himself.

i could not be gayer.

but, brad, i love you.

i love you, too.

but i also love penis.

for the first time
in her life,

kacey realized
that her heart could be wrong.

she also realized why brad
had frequently asked her

to wear a mustache during sex.

she considered numbing the pain
with empty carbs

but she just couldn't do it.

just like cal
after his failed marriages,

she refused to let the world
get her down.

cal and kacey
both threw themselves

into high-rep,
low-impact workouts

and buried themselves in work.

and when that wasn't enough,

they'd both go down
to grand central station

and watch the world go by.

it made them feel like they
were part of something bigger,

and that everything
was going to be okay.

cal and kacey were perfect
for each other.

she was just what he needed --

someone sweet,
fun, and positive.

and he was just
what she was looking for --

loving, kind...
and heterosexual.

and then all my friends

went to this other club
without me.

oh, my god,
my apartment is on fire.

i got to go.

this is all your fault.

what? no, it's not.

yes, it is.
okay, yeah, it is.

wait. so what do you guys
think i should do?

i think you should talk
to someone else.

i think you should
call your friends

and talk it out
with them.

okay, we're gonna go.
yeah.
yeah. bye.

that is the best advice
i have ever gotten.

have you ever
gotten advice before?

yeah, because that's pretty
standard advice, actually.

can we get
a friendship circle?

huh?

oh, my god.
i love you guys so much.

dude, why can't you just find
a cute, boring girl

that you sort of like
and then get strung out

into some long-term relationship
that you can't stand

just like every other dude
on the entire planet?

why do you always have to do
the love-at-first-sight?

it just overcomes me.
- mm-hmm.

it's like when i met maya
40 minutes ago, i was just --

tom! oh, my god!

you know,
it just feels so good, you know?

everything in your entire life
just gets better.

no! no.

dude, life doesn't get better
by chance.

life gets better
by change.

oh, my god,
that was really good.

it's on the back
of one of your gym t-shirts.

dude, are you serious?
come on, man!

yeah, but listen to the t-shirt.
it's right.

cal, you can't keep trying
the same thing

over and over again,
expecting a different result.

you have to change, man.
come on, dude.

three divorces is weird.

four -- girls will be running
for the hills.

girls are gonna
be running, man.

you know, fine.
no.

fine! fine. no.

when she comes back,
i'll shut it down.

you'll shut it down?
yeah, i'll shut it down.

here she comes.

hey.
hey.

so if you want to hang out,
come out back.
i'd love to, yes.

awesome. it's a date.

bye!

hey. hello, there!

hi!

hi.

hmm.
what's this, then?

sorry.
is that women's underwear?

i...i don't know.

didn't it just fall
from your hand?

yep. yes, it did.

that's my hand underwear.

sorry. it's your what?

my hand underwear?

what's --
what's hand underwear?

uh, i have really -- i don't
have very good circulation.

and it -- it keeps
my hand w-warm and...

uh, sanitary.

okay.

i thought it'd be fun and sexy
if i brought you my underwear.

i --
no, no. no, it is.
it -- it -- it is very...

it's very sexy.

it kind of looks like
a dead bird.

yeah. a little sparrow.

hmm.

wait.
are you wearing panties?

what? no.

yeah.
i can see them cresting.

no. no. no. no.

that's, uh -- that's, uh --
my -- they're built-in.

did you put on two pairs
of panties this morning

in anticipation
of giving one away?

or did you borrow this pair
from a third party?

ooh.
which one is weirder?

i got to say,
i don't know.

you're just gonna
leave them...here?

that basically brings us
to the seventh grade.

oh, my gosh,
she's still talking.

her grip is so tight.

and my mom remarries,
and i was like, "what --"

oh, thank god.
get over here.

talk to her.
we have to go.

she's crying.
got to help her.

oh, my god, i love you.
come here.

come here.

this is a disaster.

cal is gonna marry that waitress
in like three weeks.

or you could be happy for cal
'cause he met his earth angel.

just -- just kidding.
i'm drunk.

you guys talking
about kacey?

yeah.
isn't she adorable?

tell your friend
don't even bother.

she's
with the bartender.

mm-hmm.

what's that?

i saw them smashing
20 minutes ago.

they smash all the time.

that is very interesting
to me.

wish i didn't know that.

ohh. how bad was it?

if it's okay with you,
i don't want to talk about it.

oh, my god.
i'm so sorry, liv.

i'm -- i'm a crazy person.

i do-- i must have gone insane
from that kiss.

the good news is i can
now go home and marry jim

because i am so bad
at this stuff.
okay.

uh, hey,
we didn't order this!

he sent his boxers.

don't touch it.

i guess you're not as bad
as you thought.

oh! look at this.

he dances like a child.

yep.

there you are.
don't listen to him!

whoa, whoa. what's up?

you know
your little waitress friend?

she's with the bartender.
what?

i still think
you should go after her.

yeah, and her past is 20 minutes
ago with the bartender.

you don't know this girl,
cal.

so get to know her!
go on break.

give in to the fear.
the fear is your friend.

dude, please don't go on break
with this girl.

you're just gonna fall
more in love with her,

then you're gonna get
married, and then you'll
eventually get divorced,

and you'll be sad and lonely,
i'll have to hear about it.

you'll be no fun
to hang out with,

and i can't bear to see you
like that again. i can't, dude.

cal was worried.

across the bar,
kacey was also worried.

she knew her heart
had been wrong before,

but she couldn't shake
how she felt about cal.

cal knew
his heart had been wrong

many, many, many times before.

but he couldn't shake
how he felt about kacey.

and in that moment,

they both decided to bravely
put aside their fears...
♪ you kill me a little bit

...and give love
one more chance.
♪ when you don't
answer the phone ♪

♪ 6:00 in the morning,
i'm on my own ♪

♪ i ain't into it
dom, i'm going on my break.

oh, take your time.
whatever you need.

♪ please bring me back home
thank you.

unfortunately,
in the very next moment,

all of cal's worst fears
came flooding back.

and as kacey waited for cal,
she started to wonder

if her heart
had been wrong again.

how many times
have we walked away

from a perfect thing
without knowing it?

before we just
start to ignore it altogether?
♪ oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ what are we?
what are we? yeah ♪
and how many
organic grass-fed hamburgers

can a grown woman eat
before her stomach explodes?

there's always the hope
that next time,

our stupid, stupid hearts
will get it right.

♪ why don't you call me home?

so, ladies, can i get you
another round or what?

fill me up, spanish.

well,
it's actually dominic.

fab.
jessica.

all right.

wait.

is this
about to get weird?

by weird, do you mean
a little friendly competition?

okay, same rules
as high school.

okay.
anything goes
as long as we stay friends.

all right, let's do this.

whoo!

ooh!

you probably won't even make it
out of the parking lot

without getting a divorce.

wow! thank you, bruce!

i mean,
round of applause. so...

your new wife
is looking at me.

oh, my god,
she is totally winking at me.
yeah.

also, i didn't
get you guys a gift

because everything
on your registry was over $10.

guys, seriously, though,
this is...

that's true, actually.
cal, let's go.

god, it is hot
in this forest.

okay, it's not a good time
for that.

ohh!

bruce?

thank you.

that is so much better.

bruce.
let's get naked.