Mixology (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 3 - Bruce & Jessica - full transcript

This is the story of 10 strangers,

one night, and all the stupid,
embarrassing, ridiculous things we do...

To find love.

Hi.

Oh, hello.

You don't know it yet, but I am by far
the best guy in this entire bar for you.

And at closing time,
I'm gonna take you home,

and I will bathe you, head to toe,
and then I'm gonna deliver upon you

the greatest, most orgasmic sex of
your entire life. You'll explode.

My place is prepped for
it. Don't worry about it.

I'll put you back together, bathe you
once again, and pay for a cab ride home.



What do you say?

Who are you?

They call me... Bruce.

- How'd it go?
- It went amazing, dude.

Single mothers are so, so easy.

It's... it's like they're tired, they're
horny, they're paying for a sitter.

All they want to do, Tommy, is knock it out

with something that
vaguely resembles a man...

that's this guy... and
then they want to go home.

- It's simple economics.
- No, that's not economics.

- Yes, it is.
- No, it's not.

Whatever.

- So, you got her number?
- Hell, I did one better.

I dropped an Anchor Baby! Kaplunk.



- You gave her a baby?
- It's my drink. An Anchor Baby.

Okay? It gives me a reason to
go approach her one more time.

You never go back to a girl
more than two times... Okay.

Except if you have an excuse,

otherwise, they freak
out and they mace you.

So I'm gonna go back over
there in a little bit.

I'm gonna pick up my drink.
I'm gonna pick up her number.

I'm gonna pick her up and
take her home and "ca-rush" it.

I got this in the bag,
kids. High fives in advance.

You took a private jet to Cuba?

Your life is so exciting.

- Can I confess something?
- Yeah.

I'm actually Jay Z.

Well, I am really happy
I met you tonight, Mr. Z.

Yeah. Me too.

Truly, it has brightened my night.

I, um...

I have to tell you something.

Well...

Yes.

I know this is all so
sudden, but I feel it, too.

No. I, um... I'm engaged.

Yeah. Of course you are.

Women of your caliber are never single.

I just... I feel weird,

'cause my fianc?e is at
home washing our cats,

and I'm here having a drink with
a dashing Internet millionaire.

Eh, not a millionaire
anymore. That was this morning.

- Oh, I'm sor... no, I know.
- That's all right.

It's... but, you know,
I-I've never met someone

who could lose so much money
so fast... it's exciting!

I wish I could lose that
much money that quickly.

Right, but in a cruel twist of
fate, I'd much rather be at home

with someone I loved washing our cats.

- Really?
- Yeah.

If, in fact, washing cats was
something people actually did.

I'm pretty sure they're
self-cleaning animals.

Are they definitely cats?

I just... you know, I
don't do crazy things.

This is the craziest thing I've ever done.

I've never even jaywalked.

Look, maybe tonight should be the
night that you just let yourself go.

- Really?
- Yeah. Trust me.

I'm British. We invented repression.

Right. You've got to go crazy once in
a while, or you'll just instantly become

a bitter, old British alcoholic man.

Like Margaret Thatcher.

So, I want to see you go nuts.

Okay.

Okay, I will.

- Yeah?
- Maybe.

Thanks for the Blue Hawaiian!

Delicious.

- Blue Hawaiian?
- Oh, my God. He sent another one?

No, this one's from those guys.

Aloha!

Oh, no. Hawaiians.

How do you know they're Hawaiian?

- Look at their feet.
- Flip flops?

- Yeah, exactly.
- Oh, my God. I hate Hawaiians.

This... this happens all the time.
They think that I'm from Hawaii.

I'm not from Hawaii!

Yeah, I'm from the Mainland!

Uh-huh. Pittsburgh!

Okay. Let's find a guy for Jess now.

What about... that guy?

That guy?

The old dude?

I just hate to see you get
hurt going after someone good.

I got to pee.

There you are.

Nice Anchor Baby.

It's good.

What's that?

Oh, you left your drink here

so you'd have a reason to
come back and talk to me.

Being a little paranoid, don't you think?

And now you're negging me.

Wow. This is like a pickup from 2004.

Look

This is so not gonna happen.

I'm just... I'm not into your type.

You're not into eccentric billionaires
with massively large penises?

Nope.

Uh, more like the guy who didn't
get any girls in high school

so now you bang as many chicks as humanly
possible so you can convince yourself

that you're not that sad, little
dork who none of the girls liked.

Am I getting close?

Yeah, she was getting close.

Bruce was born 18 pounds, 9 ounces.

His parents were so happy...

and a little alarmed.

Bruce had two older
brothers, Kyle and Doug.

They were bright, athletic, popular boys.

Bruce was... also a boy.

Bruce desperately tried to meet girls,

but three obstacles stood in his way...

one, he talked too much,

two, he had the pear-shaped
body of a middle-aged woman,

and, three, his brothers.

Then he met Dawn.

In the history of people
who have loved people,

no one has ever loved anyone
more than Bruce loved Dawn.

Unfortunately, Dawn saw Bruce as
just a friend, so for her birthday,

Bruce decided to make her a special
romantic dinner to change all that.

Uh, hey, Dawn?

Ketchup on your tots?!

Sure! Anything's fine!

I like ketchup, too!

God, it's insane how
much we have in common!

Okay. Dinner's finally ready.

Dawn?

Bruce's heart broke into a million
pieces when he saw dawn with Kyle.

Seeing Doug didn't help, either.

Hey, Doofus, go get us some Gatorades.

Bruce never wanted to feel this way again,

so he decided to study women the
way a general studies the enemy

and then use that knowledge
to crush ass on a global scale.

I'm sure you get laid all the time
because there are plenty of broken girls

who are like, "wow, he's cynical
and he wears an army jacket"?

Oh, my God. That's so
original. How can I hit that?"

But, see, all the sex in the world can't
hide the fact that deep down inside,

you really are that sad, little dork
who just wants the girls to like you.

So... Yeah. That's your type.

This is gonna be harder than I thought.

- And don't bow. What are you doing?
- I'm sorry. How'd it go?

It's like she saw into
the very core of my soul.

- Oh, my God. That's amazing.
- And she hated it.

But I loved it.

Oh, okay. So...

Yeah, I'm totally lost, dude.
Do you like this chick or not?

I have no idea. It's crazy.

I just know she's a worthy
adversary, and I must make her mine

or I will blow her up
and destroy her forever.

Wait. You're gonna go
back there a third time?

You just said you can't go
back to a girl more than twice.

I am a hero, and heroes
always break the rules.

Didn't you see "Ratatouille"?

So, what's your next play?

Preacher?

- Tropic of Cancer?
- No.

Drunk Potato?

Ram Jam.

Banana Hammock.

Ooh! Stuff and Puff.

- Asscapades.
- No, no.

None of that old stuff is gonna work, okay?

I'm hunting big game.

It's kill or be killed.

I think you should just
tell her how you feel.

Stupid.

Yes, this one is a
classic. Steal their drink.

Come on. If I do this, I want to go big.

Yes, okay! Well, what'd you have in mind?

What if we kill a drifter?

I'm kidding!

Oh, but I do like where you're going
with this stealing-something thing.

Ooh, what if I stole something
funny from the men's room?

- Brilliant. Steal a toilet.
- I got to go.

Oh, think about the drifter
thing while I'm gone, okay?

Okay.

Just kidding.

I'm not kidding.

Ohh.

How's it?

Uh, no.

Which island you from, Coconut Girl?

Uh, yeah, I'm still not from Hawaii, dude.

You can leave the islands, but the
islands can never leave you, sister.

Now we're related. That's...

Wait. How high are you right now?

Pretty high.

Wow. Yeah.

Okay, I'm gonna go
ahead and shut this down.

Keoki!

- Aloha, sister! You joining us?
- Hi!

Uh, no, no. Sorry, guys. I'm
not here for a fresh hang.

I'm just here to set the
record straight for the night.

I'm not from Hawaii.

I've never been to Hawaii. I hate Hawaii.

I hate the flower shirts.

I hate the neon drinks.

I hate your alphabet that has
like six different letters in it

but then all of them are "K."

If Hawaii sinks back into the ocean and
disappeared for the rest of our lives,

my life wouldn't even change.

I'd be like, "oh, Hawaii's gone,"

and then I'd go right back
to doing whatever I was doing

like nothing even happened.

Okay?

So... you from Waianae?

All right, brother!

Well, what do you want me to say?

I don't know. You could say anything.

Oh, yeah?

Well, what do you want to know?

Two scotches neat. Thank you, barkeep.

On the double.

- Make it a double.
- Coming right up.

Come on, dude.

I'm just helping you out. Trust me.

You don't want that guy. Let
your weirdo friend have him.

And why don't I want him?

Because he's super hot,

and hot people are terrible in bed.

They don't do the work.
They're all starfish.

What? Starfish?

Starfish. They just lay there.

What you want is an ugly guy.

Ugly guys... they're great in bed.

You see, ugly guys work intensely
hard because we're just so grateful

that someone's sleeping with
us in the first place. Mm.

Plus we do all the dirty jobs
that no one else wants to do.

Oh, okay.

So, by that logic...

- You're really good in bed?
- Yes!

Thank you for saying that, date.

Yeah, I am really good in bed.

- Okay.
- Come on. Come on.

That right there... you don't want that.

You don't want that stubble monkey.

Actually, Jessica did
want that stubble monkey.

Jessica was born in a bar on a pool table,

which sort of says everything
you need to know about Jessica.

Jessica's parents were
happy with their lot in life,

but Jessica always dreamed of
becoming a famous fashion designer.

She shared that dream with
her best friend, Colleen,

who looked alarmingly like blossom.

They were more than best friends.

They were sisters.

Hey, can I ask you something?

What?!

Come here.

After graduation,

do you want to move to Paris
with me and start a fashion line?

Yes! Aah! Aah!

And once we get to France, I'm
gonna change my name to Fab!

Love it!

You could change your name, too.

I was thinking "Shondo."

Oh, Yay!

I can't wait to get out of here!

We're gonna be so amazing.

Oh, my God. I love you, Colleen!

- Fab!
- Sorry.

I love you, Fab.

I love you, too, Shondo.

Wait, yours... yours is way better.

Okay, just stick to Jessica.

You're so hot!

I am gonna have your baby!

And nine months later, she did.

Jess and Fab split up.

Jess stayed in New Jersey,
and Fab went to Paris.

One kid turned into two.

Things with the bassist didn't pan out.

And while Jessica loved her kids dearly,

every day she felt less and less
like the glamorous fashion designer

she'd always wanted to be.

In fact, the only thing that
made Jessica feel special anymore

was hooking up with super-hot guys.

This dude made her feel special
three times in one night.

Nope. I'm pretty sure I do
want that stubble monkey.

Yep, it's totally my kind of monkey.

In any competition between
that and whatever this is,

I choose that. Every time, I choose that.

Why is this so confusing
for your little brain?

Well, then...

Just for the record, I think I am
slightly taller than that gentleman.

Okay, please... please leave.

Okay. But this is not over.

No, it's over. It's totally over.

Until we meet again!

Don't want that to happen.

You are great.

Up. I need a stool.

Okay. Now I'm starting to worry.

Talk to me, Goose. What's going on?

This broad is totally Bruce-proof.

Dude, no one can sustain
this much rejection.

You look like Nick Nolte!

I know I look like Nick Nolte, okay?

But that girl is my Moby
Dick, so I'm going back in.

No, you're not going back
in! No one goes in four times!

Dude, it's suicide.

Even if you get her number,

you'll have nothing in the
tank for the rest of the night.

Yeah, okay, I know the risks, Cal!

I know the risks.

Guys, I hate what this is doing to us.

I just... make it stop.

Yes! Did you nick something?

Good girl. What did you get?

Some mints or a book of matches?

Wait. What?

I stole some guy's wallet
while he was on the can!

Look at all the money!

- Are you insane?
- You told me to go crazy.

Yeah, I was encouraging
you to live a little!

I didn't mean join fagin's gang.

Let's steal more stuff!

No, that is enough larceny
for one evening, all right?

I'm actually trying to be a better
person. That is a massive step backwards.

My heart is racing.

I love it. I've never felt so alive.

Thank you for making me steal things.

Could you please stop saying
I made you steal thi...

You're right, Keoki.

I feel like I have this really
big hole in my life, you know?

I just... I just keep
filling it with my stupid job.

You got to come back to Oahu, Brah.

- She'll fix you right up.
- That sounds so good right now.

Floating in the surf, chilling
with aloha, feeling the lava.

You probably don't want to feel the lava.

Yeah, lava's really hot.

You know what I mean, Brah, okay?

I want to do the real Hawaiian, not
the Cheesy Don Ho touristy stuff.

Hey, hey!

What you saying about Brother Don?

Yeah, Don Ho writes songs
for the whole world to sing.

Yeah, but no one wanted to listen to them.

They're terrible songs.

Maybe you should go, sister.

After everything I said about
Hawaii, Don Ho's the deal breaker?

Okay. Whatever. You guys are weird.

- Not Hawaiian no more!
- Go!

I was never Hawaiian!

Put some shoes on! We're in a bar!

- Ugh! Hey.
- What? Nothing.

Whoa-ho, whoa! What's going on?

I kissed him. I kissed Ron!

I was all jacked up from
stealing this guy's wallet,

and I kissed him, and it was amazing.

His tongue felt like a dewy peach. Ew.

Oh, my God! Maya! What am I gonna do?

- Okay. I am engaged.
- It's fine.

My wedding invitations go out tomorrow...

- I know. Okay...
- On their way to people...

- All right. Let's calm down.
- ... That I'm related to.

As much as it... okay. All
right. Okay, let's just...

- we're gonna take a walk, okay? We're gonna take a walk.
- Okay.

Go find a seat.

All right, listen, it's fine.

People kiss each other in bars.

That's what happens all the
time. You don't have to feel bad.

That's the thing.

I don't feel bad.

And I think I might want to kiss Ron again.

And not just on the mouth.

So...

All the places, Maya.

- Uh, we should start a tab.
- Yeah.

Obviously, this is a bad idea.

Nobody goes in four times, but
there is something about this girl.

- So, what's your approach?
- Got it locked in, baby.

- What is it?
- The Hercules Double Lindy.

I'm sorry, are you crazy?

- What's the Hercules Double Lindy?
- It's the only way.

Sometimes I feel like you guys
are just making up funny names.

Bruce, the Hercules Double
Lindy... it's only a theory.

It's never been tested
in a real-world situation.

I know that, dude, and this
is how legends are made.

Now, we need my number-one
wingman to hype me up.

- All right.
- No.

No. All right, all right. I gotcha.

Okay. Lock your eyes in here.

Here's what's gonna happen.
You're gonna walk up to this woman,

you're gonna spin a web of
Bruce so thick and so sticky

she will be unable to escape.

In that moment, you will make her yours.

- What time is it?
- Bruce time!

It's game time. What time
is it? It's game time!

- What time is it?!
- It's game time!

Whew. Go get her.

- Oh, my God. Make it stop.
- Nope. Nope.

Actually, I came over here to tell you
the story of Hercules. Please don't.

- Hercules was a Greek hero who was a...
- Roman.

Hercules was a Roman hero

- whose dad was Hector.
- Zeus.

Okay, what... what... what
are you, a mythology Professor?

- What is the deal?
- No, I'm just done.

Okay. I get it.

I'm sorry. You win. My bad.
I made one last-ditch effort

to come over here and get your number.

I see it's not happening.

You couldn't be less interested.

So, I hope I didn't ruin your night.

- It's all good.
- Okay.

I'm sorry.

This is the guy who's hitting on you?

- Hey, he's not that ugly.
- Okay.

You guys make a really cute couple.

Bruce knew this comment

was meant to make Jessica feel bad,

and he couldn't stand for it.

Uh, actually, I was
talking to her about you.

I mean, you have ratty
hair and terrible clothes,

and I figured I could take you
down without breaking a sweat.

So...

But a woman like this,

that's a totally different story.

Someone who's gorgeous
and smart and... and funny,

who not only puts us all to
shame by raising kids on her own,

but then has the balls...

To show up to this bar
wearing that red dress,

which she looks smoking hot in,

and strut around with
that tight, tight body,

knowing that losers like me
are going to come up to her

and buy her drinks and hit on her all night

and try everything they
can to get into her pants,

but she doesn't even care,

because she has the wit and verbal acumen

to handle anything life throws at her.

That is a woman.

That is a woman that every
guy dreams will like them back.

And a woman that this guy
couldn't get in a million years.

It was the nicest thing

anyone had said to Jessica in a long time.

And for just one little
moment, she felt special again.

Who was that?

They call him... Bruce.

We all put on a front
when we walk into a bar,

to look cool, to impress others,

to hide our insecurities, but deep down,

we're all just fat, little, redheaded kids

whose brothers double-teamed
the girls we loved.

Hey.

Oh, hey.

Look.

If at the end of the night, there
is absolutely no one left in this bar

and I am fall-down drunk and you have
somehow shaved off that disgusting beard

and changed your entire
physical appearance,

I will think about maybe
going home with you.

Maybe.

Because at the end of the
day, all we really want...

All anyone really wants is to be liked.

Hey. Can I order shots from you?

Of course. What can I get you?

Uh, have you heard of an anaconda?

Whiskey and Sambuca.

I had those every summer
back where I'm from.

Really? Where are you from?

Oh, a small town in Ohio
you've probably never heard of.

Well, I'm from Greentree, Ohio.

- No way.
- Yes, way.

I am from West Greentree!

You are a liar. No. Okay, pop quiz.

Have you ever been to
Gary's hot dogs for the...

Dingo dogs with extra kraut!

- I'm Kacey.
- I'm Cal.

- I... Will get you those shots.
- All right.

Oh, it's so on.

Oh, there's my Anchor Baby.

Hey. That's my drink.

Just kidding, and...
I always get that wrong.

Um, hey. I saw those guys
bothering you earlier.

I just wanted to make sure you're okay.

Yeah. I'm okay. They're just Hawaiians.

Ugh, I hate Hawaiians.

You do?

Yeah. Flip flops in
restaurants, their tiny alphabet,

plus they're so sensitive about Don Ho.

About Don Ho! I know, right?

I'm gonna go ask them
to leave the premises.

Wow. Okay. Thanks.

Maya, they're a lot
bigger than I thought. Hmm?

They're gonna stay. Oh, my God.

Pono, please. Pono.

Pono. Oh, God.

Hawaiians.