Mixology (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 2 - Liv & Ron - full transcript

This is the story of 10 strangers,

one night, and all the stupid,
embarrassing, ridiculous things we do...

To find love.

Yeah, hang on. No, no, no. Yeah,
I can hear you. It was just loud.

Excuse me. Uh, yeah, no.

We're just... we're just gonna have
one drink, and then I'll be home.

Oh, don't watch...

Don't watch "Devious Maids" without me.

Okay. Love you, too.

Sorry to bother you.

Do you have a piece of gum?



No... gum.

I... I have... I have none gum.

I'm... I'm gumless.

- I'm sorry. I don't do this.
- You don't do what?

I, uh, um...

I-I don't talk to British people.

That's quite smart, actually.
We're all wankers and perverts.

No, no, no. I love British
people, and... and scones I love.

They're like a muffin but
hard, which is better sometimes.

Thank you. I'll... I'll, uh, call
the queen and congratulate her.

Okay.

I'm Ron, by the way.

Uh, Liv.

Oh, my God, Maya.



A man just asked to buy me
a drink... A British man.

Hilarious. You want to order food?

Oh, my God.

He was so charming, and
he smelled like a castle,

and he kind of seemed like he was a roy...

Not really a royal. Like,
actually more like a spy.

And he didn't just laugh. He "lawfed."

He "lawfed," Maya, and I
think I might actually do it.

Oh, my God. You're so adorable right now,
but we both know that's never gonna happen.

You already bought your wedding dress.

- You're engaged.
- Mm.

I still can't believe
Tommy got Maya's number.

I mean, look at her. She's so beautiful.

It doesn't even make sense.

I know. It's like if a cat was
president. It literally makes no sense.

No, it doesn't.

A cat as president.

Well, I'm just Facebook
friending Maya right now.

- Oh, dude, no.
- What are you doing?

God, you are such a threat to
yourself, Tommy. Don't do that.

Dude, we brought you out so you could
smash a bunch of not-so-bright party girls,

and that means getting lots of numbers.

Okay. How many numbers do I have to get?

- 50.
- 50?

Yeah, 50 seems kind of high, dude.

I don't think One Direction
could pull 50 numbers in here.

40. 30?

You're just, like, naming
numbers that you like.

Okay, you know, whatever.

Let's just go ahead, take him for a lap,

get his mind off this
girl, pick up some digits...

Yep, Tommy, let's go.

Wait. I just want to send
Maya a funny drink first,

like a... like a Blue
Hawaiian. When should I do that?

All right, let's just... let's go.

It's all right. Let's take a lap.

Come on. Before I freak out.

Just want to close out.

Okay. How was your night?

Oh. Well, I showered, shaved... everything,

wedged myself into this ridiculous
dress, took two buses into the city,

and then my date barfed in my purse.

So... not great.

I hate it when they barf in your stuff.

Right?

And I know not every date
is gonna end in fireworks,

but it would be nice if just once I
can meet a normal guy who was like,

"you look nice tonight. I like your dress."

That's it.

I could stay single another
10 years if I got that.

Oh, my God, we have so much in common.

I keep banging the hot bartender in the
back room, and every time I do, I'm like,

"Kacey, stop banging the hot
bartender in the back room." Duh.

Isn't that crazy? You know what? Don't go.

Stay. Have another drink... on me.

I can't. One last sip.

Not my drink.

- Jessica.
- Fab?

Oh, wha... I haven't seen you in forever.

Holy crap. Look at that dress.
It's so red. You look like a tomato.

Come here!

Hilarious. You want to order food?

Oh, my God, he was so
dangerous and charming,

and he spoke German, and
his suit had three pieces,

and he seemed really dashing and debonair

- and almost like...
- All right. Stop talking.

We both know that that's
never gonna happen.

How can you say that?

She could say that because Liv has never
done anything crazy in her entire life.

Literally nothing.

Even her birth was peaceful.

She didn't cry until she was 7 years
old, and after that, she apologized.

She was also a perfect child,
mostly because her brother wasn't.

Liv spent her entire childhood
smiling and baking cakes

while her brother rained chaos everywhere.

Naturally, when it came to boys,
Liv always liked the safe guys.

She especially liked boys who wore helmets.

She met Jim at the 59th
street cat adoption,

which is a great place to
meet guys, if you like dorks.

Liv and Jim like scrapbooking, cheese,
and the entire CBS comedy lineup.

Once again, she had made the safe choice,

but deep down, she
longed for something more.

- Hey.
- Hey.

What'd you do this weekend?

I saw "Iron Man 2." I
bought a new lamp. Mm.

- Oh, and I got engaged.
- And you... Wait. What?!

Yeah, Jim said there were a lot of tax
benefits, so we just went ahead and did it.

Oh, my God. Liv, no!

This is such a mistake. Are you crazy?

Look, I know you think
he's a little bit boring,

but we signed up for a swing-dance
class, and I think it's really...

Oh, my God. Yeah, that's
gonna fix everything...

A swing-dancing class.

Come on. Don't do this. I'm excited.

Really?

Are you excited? 'Cause
you don't look excited.

You look like you just got engaged to Carl.

Seriously, Liv.

I mean, you know that I
don't believe in marriage,

but if you're gonna get married, you
have to be excited about the person.

Otherwise, it's never gonna work
out. Just look at my parents.

My parole officer says that if your heart
goes pitter-patter, then it's true love.

Otherwise, you're probably
just stalking someone.

Oh...

Did your heart go pitter-patter
when Jim proposed to you?

I don't know, Carl. Maybe?

Because I'm pitter-pattering right now.

Carl, get your hands out of your pockets.

Okay, listen...

I don't know if my heart has ever
pitter-pattered, like, with any guy.

Is that bad?

Oh, no. No, that's super-healthy.

Mm-hmm.

Can I go dress shopping with you guys?

Hey, pay attention,
Tom. Here's how you wingman.

When we approach a group of girls,

whichever one of us looks most
likely to smash becomes the point man.

The other two become his wingmen.

And the wingman has two jobs...

To make the point man look awesome

and to clear away the sad
friend who just wants to go home.

Yeah, cute girls always have a
sad friend that wants to go home,

and she definitely has bangs.

Also, wingman's got to keep the
conversation fun and interesting,

and if there's ever a lull,
he's got to fill the gap.

Mm-hmm. Okay, wait.

So what are the rules
for being the point man?

- You're never gonna be the point man.
- You're always gonna be the wingman.

Okay, look, the only rule for being the
point man is knowing when to move on.

That's right, like if
she's married or sober

or, worst of all, she's with her family.

Ugh! You just can't fix
that. It's over, so just bail.

Hey, Bubba, smile, man.
You're gonna do great.

So, what are you doing here?

Well, I'm celebrating my new handbag line.

Oh!

All my friends are coming,
so it's so good you're here.

It's gonna be stupid.

Yay! That's... that's amazing. Congrats.

Yeah. Thank you.

So, your career is soaring or whatever?

Uh, y-yeah! I mean, I'm... manager now.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you.

It's good because it gives
me time with the kids, so...

Oh, God. I am so sorry.

God. How is that going?

Raising my children?

Is that what that face is?
It's actually really great.

Austin is 8, and Maddy, she is 6.

All those years.

So, would you like to start a tab?

- Um... I got this.
- No, no! I got it.

- I've got it.
- Here you go. Don't be crazy.

She's a welfare mother

- with two children at home.
- What?!

- No, I am definitely not on welfare.
- Save your money... For your children.

Buy them bread.

Okay.

We're best friends from childhood,
can you believe we're the same age?

Yep. Actually, I'm three months younger.

Actually, no, I changed my birthday.

Here.

Okay.

- Thank you.
- Thanks.

- He's so hot. I would let him degrade me.
- Sweetie, that ship has sailed.

Yeah.

And then I was like, "I have none
gum," like I was Yoda or something.

It was the most ridiculous...

Oh, my God. There he is.

Oh, he is so foreign.

Ooh! Why is my heart beating so fast?

My body feels hot.

What is going on with you?

- I've never seen you like this.
- I've never seen me like this, either.

Oh! Is this the pitter-patter? Or
is it a stroke? Am I stroking out?

No, you're not stroking out.

I think this means you need to
go and have a drink with this guy.

- Really?
- Yes!

You're clearly feeling something.

You are really sweaty.

Oh. Yeah.

I perspire a lot for a person my size.

Look, you are always telling
me how you want to change,

how you want to take more risks,

how your life is so
dull and pointless and...

I've never said any of that.

Well, this is your chance, okay?
It's just a drink. All right?

Do something ballsy for
once in your life, please.

I'm gonna do it.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Okay, good. Good.

Don't say anything weird!

Hey.

Hello. Aren't you a sight for sore eyes?

- Bad day?
- Quite possibly the worst.

He's not exaggerating.

This has literally been the
worst day of Ron's entire life.

Ron was born in 1983 in Bath, England.

His parents were the life of the
party, which is a nice way of saying

they were always drunk and never around.

As soon as Ron was old enough,

his parents shipped him off to
a super-douchey boarding school

they couldn't possibly afford.

It's hard being a poor
kid at a rich school,

but Ron learned how to hustle
rich kids out of their stuff,

starting with these
bitchin' Italian bicycles.

After school, Ron kept hustling.

He moved to New York and
launched an Internet startup

with no financing, no concept,
and no clue what he was doing.

So, naturally, it was a huge hit.

Just like his parents, Ron
was the life of the party,

and he charmed money out of everyone...

Friends, girlfriends, even the
nuns from the church next door.

I'd probably hit the one on the right.

With the money came the
women, and with the women...

Came more women.

- Yeah!
- Life was so [Bleep] awesome.

Until this morning, when
it all came crashing down.

Ron had basically taken all
the money from his company

and bought stuff for himself,
which is apparently illegal.

His investors were pissed.

Can I call you back?

Ladies! Ooh! What a delightful surprise.

We want our money back, Ron.

And I want to give it to you. Really, I do.

Sadly, I'm in a bit of an
absence-of-money situation right now.

What about your brand-new Porsche?

It was six months old, love.
I wouldn't call it brand-new.

Ron, okay, you slept with all of us.

That is simply not true.
I didn't sleep with Janice.

Yeah, you did. On the roof?

I stand corrected.

Yes, Janice. And how memorable that was.

Look, ladies, I-I-I want
you to know I feel your pain.

Whatever. Let's go.

Come on.

Please die.

You're hearing from my lawyer.

Call me.

I will.

The party was over, and Ron was all alone.

Everyone had abandoned him.

He hadn't felt this alone since his
parents shipped him off to boarding school.

But when he met Liv, he thought
his luck might just be changing.

I just came over to say I
can't have a drink with you.

Oh, lovely. That makes it better.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

You should know that you...
are... like a fairy tale.

You are, like, so exotic and...
Is that your natural hair color?

Amazingly, it is.

My stylist calls it "baby cheetah."

Wow.

Look, obviously, I would
love to have a drink with you,

but, um, the thing is, I
can't, because of, uh, reasons.

I see.

Sorry. And you thought it was necessary

to walk all the way over
here to reject me in person?

Yes, I see now how weird that is.

Well, um, I'm deeply hurt.

Uh, what you've effectively committed,
in front of witnesses, is a hate crime.

And the only way to make it up is
to stay and have a drink with me.

Please, I've had a wretched
day, I'm horribly lonely.

If you leave, I'll just end up spilling
my guts to that table behind you.

Look at them.

They're... they're all
wearing weird little hats.

What... what am I gonna talk to them about?

Hats?

I'm sorry. I just can't.

Um... have a good night, Liv.

You too, Ron.

I'm sorry I'm lame.

All right, here we
go, Tommy. Wingman time.

You're gonna do great.

Ladies, how you doing tonight?

Great. Good.

Tired.

So I should talk to that one?

Hey, I... sorry about that.

He doesn't know what he's
doing. He's just a rookie.

It was a donkey.

I'm serious!

Bruce has a beautiful body, so...

That's not how we do it.

So, you gals pro-choice?

And she was wearing wedges.

That's a good thing to
say. Can I talk to you?

Excuse us, ladies.

Ah, dude...

You're hurting my arm.

I know, dude. Wedges?

- What are you doing?
- I'm wingmanning.

Yeah, you're wingmanning
us right into the G.F.Z.

What's the G.F.Z.?

Dude, the "gay friend zone."

It's like the friend
zone, except it's worse.

Except it's way worse.

No one gets out of the gay friend zone.

Houdini couldn't get out
of the gay friend zone.

- Okay, well, I'll do better.
- Actually, you won't.

What do you mean?

- We're benching you, Tommy.
- What?

Go back to the table. You're
not ready to be our wingman.

- Cal, help me out, here.
- I'm sorry, Bubba.

You said "wedges." Mm-hmm.

The council has spoken, Thomas.

Go back to the table
and look after our coats.

Get going.

We're wearing our coats.

Mm, Mnh-Mnh. Why are you here?

I got halfway there, and Jim texted.

I just realized I was
making a huge mistake.

Oh, my God. What did he text you?

He asked if I wanted a
double latte tomorrow morning

instead of a single latte because
we're gonna be out past 10:00,

and I was like, "that is so thoughtful."

Oh, yeah. Jim is, like, really good at
coffee. You should probably marry him.

I just think I'm freaking out because
my wedding invitations go out tomorrow.

And then it's, like, official.

I know that Jim isn't exciting
or risky or pitter-pattery,

but he's a good man, and I could do worse.

How?

How about that guy?

- Aah.
- Cheers to you.

Mm-hmm. Did you buy that
with your mom's money?

He doesn't live with his mom.

Yeah, no, he lives in jail.

You're a personal trainer?

Mm-hmm. Certified personal trainer.

Could you show me some amazing
exercises to fix, like, this situation?

- A-are you talking about your butt?
- Yeah.

- Your butt is perfect.
- No.

I would write poetry about that butt.

- Hi!
- Mom, what took you so long?

It's a family member.
You know what to do, so...

- Hi!
- Hi.

This is Cal, and...

- Brian.
- Yeah, Brian.

- Yes. Very nice to meet you.
- You, too.

Actually, we were headed out, so...

- Oh, too bad.
- It was lovely to meet you.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Excuse me, ma'am.

I love your brooch. Is
that Celtic or Roman?

Oh. It's, um, Celtic, actually.
I-I didn't get your name.

Tom... Tom Svensen, ma'am.

My mother collects Roman, but
I've always been partial to Celtic.

May I see that in a better light?

Uh, certainly.

- Right this way.
- Over here.

The student has become teacher.

Yes, he has.

So, then I'm in this weird Scottish castle

playing "Twister" with
Vampire Weekend, and Ezra...

Oh.

Oh, my God. It's my best friend.

You mi... what's up, you fat bitch?

Um, excuse me.

Can you close out her tab?
I want to pay for my drink.

Oh, yeah? You're leaving so soon?

You have malaria? That's awesome!

Oh, yeah.

Well, you look nice tonight.

I like your dress.

Hey, actually, um...

Keep her tab open.

I'll stay for one more.

Well, good for you.

So, here is my cell.

- You better call me.
- Oh, I will, Crystal. I will.

Okay. Bye.

- Did you get her number?
- Yes, I did.

- Dude, that was epic wingmanning!
- Oh, thanks.

In all my years of
smashing out beautiful "A,"

I've never seen wingmanning
that good in my life.

It's been a pleasure serving with you.

- You're so good with moms.
- I know.

If you're into moms, you can
have mine. She's a booze bag.

Just show up to the crib with
a bottle of peppermint schnapps,

and you're gonna knock it out.

All right, well, I guess, since you're
not having a drink with the British guy,

do you want to just go?

Oh, yeah. I guess it is late-ish.

One Blue Hawaiian.

Corduroy jacket.

Who knows why we change?

Do we just get fed up with being ourselves,

or do we just get fed up with
everyone underestimating us?

Or maybe we change because we want to
feel something we've never felt before.

Everywhere Liv looked, she saw
the possibility of real love.

And she wanted to feel it, too.

Ron? Ron! Wait!

Oh, God.

Have you chased me down to say you
still don't want to get a drink with me?

No, I... I changed my mind.

I would like to get a drink with you...

If you still want to, 'cause I know
I've been really weird tonight...

Yes. Yes, I would like that very much.

Okay.

Okay.

I have a confession to make.

I actually did have gum,
but it was my last piece.

So you lied to me.

Yeah, I... did.

Well, we're gonna get on quite
well. I quite like dishonest women.

Look, I'm not taking
credit away from Tommy.

I'm just saying that he's learning from

two of the greatest
masters of the poontash game

the world has ever seen, so of
course he's picking it up fast.

That's weird, because by my count,

Cal's gotten one number
tonight, and I've gotten two.

You've got none, so maybe you
should be learning from us.

Say wh-a-a-a-at?!

Oh, man. Wha-a-at?! Wha-a-at?!

Someone just woke up the beast.

Bruce, I'm just... okay.

Single mother from New Jersey.

- Hi.
- Oh, hello.

You don't know it yet, but I am by far
the best guy in this entire bar for you,

and at closing time, I'm gonna take you
home, and I will bathe you, head to toe.

And then I'm gonna deliver upon you

the greatest, most orgasmic
sex of your entire life.

You'll explode.

My place is prepped for
it. Don't worry about it.

I'll put you back together, bathe you
once again, and pay for a cab ride home.

- What do you say?
- Who are you?

They call me Bruce.

And that's the thing about
brooches, you know? It's...

Okay, cut the crap. I know
why you're talking to me.

You're just wingmanning for your friend.

- No, no, I...
- Oh, relax, Zach Braff.

What do you think I'm
doing for my daughter?

Wait. You're wingmanning me?

Well, you know, every cute
guy has a-a dorky friend

who needs to be cleared out.

Well, that was hurtful.

Here.

Don't call after 9:00 or
my husband will pick up.

Also...

I could be the man if
you want to be the girl.

W-where are my friends?