Mixology (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 1 - Tom & Maya - full transcript

♪♪♪

BRUCE: This is the story of 10 strangers,

one night, and all the stupid,
embarrassing, ridiculous things we do...

To find love.

Our story starts with my best friend, Tom.

He's just had his heart broken,
and he is so not ready for this.

I am so not ready for this.

Oh, hey. Relax, man. Hey,
you're gonna do great.

Look at you looking all fly in
that brown corduroy jacket. Mm-hmm.

Everybody in here wants to be
wearing that jacket right now.

Mm-hmm. I feel like I'm gonna throw up.



Come on, dude. You've been out
of the game for what, a decade?

Girls have changed, man.
They will sleep with anything.

I get laid all the time, and
I'm disgusting... head to toe.

- This is true. He is disgusting.
- Mm-hmm.

"Sex and the City" changed
the game, my friend.

- Yep.
- They're all Mirandas.

No, Miranda was the workaholic.
Samantha was the slutty one.

No, no. Dorothy was the workaholic one.

Nope. There was no Dorothy, dude.

I'm sorry. There was a Miranda,
Dorothy, Rachel, and Phoebe.

That's the cast of "Friends."
What are you talking about?

You're just naming all
the people from that show.

No, I'm not. I'm just gonna
get a cab. It's been...

Oh, no, you won't. no you
won't. Hey. hey, relax.



You need to do this, Tommy,
all right? Don't worry about it.

We're gonna find you a nice, sweet girl.

Yes, let's find you a
nice, sweet, drunk girl.

You know, the kind that breaks a heel.
That's the kind of girl that you need.

All right.

CAL: Hey, what about red dress?

Nope. She could bench-press Tom.

I'm so sorry.

Mom was late, and the kids
were total maniacs going down.

[Sighs] Awesome.

I'm the oldest chick in here by a decade.

Ugh, I feel like Helen Mirren.
[Laughs]

So, tell me. why did you
want to meet up tonight?

- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Okay, so I'm meeting a guy here tonight,

- for the first time.
- Okay.

- His name is Ron.
- Nice.

And he is amazing. But
I did meet him online,

so there is a 1% chance he
could be a serial killer.

Oh, I need a drink.

[Sighs] I need like nine drinks.

- Oh, this is... uh, excuse me?
KACEY: - Yes.

Um, I, uh, will have whatever
the hell my sister's having.

Mojito.

♪♪♪

- Hey.
- Hey.

I have something really
important to tell you,

but I don't want you to freak out, okay?

[Sighing] Okay, here I go.

We're over.

- Okay.
- It's not you. It's me.

It's just I'm a really positive person, and
you're like this black cloud of negativity

that rains poison on
everything and murders it.

Okay.

Plus, I'm looking for something
a little more long-term,

and you're, like, really old,
so how would that even work?

Would you wheel our kids
around in your electric scooter?

- I'm 34 years old.
- Ugh. I know.

Anyway, I really hope we
can still stay friends.

Yeah, sure. That'd be great.
[Gasps]

Oh, my God. That's so great.

[Smacks behind] You have an amazing shift.

Yeah, you, too.

Dude, this waitress is hot.
Kind of want to eat off her butt.

Ooh, hey. What about purple dress?

TOM: - No.
CAL: - Why not?

Because she's wearing flats, dude.

Girls who wear flats are
never trying to get laid.

I've told you guys this a thousand times...
The higher the heels, the looser she feels.

Okay. Ooh, okay, look.

Brunette... black dress.

- Where?
- At the bar.

TOM: - Oh, wow, dude.
BRUCE: - Mm-hmm.

She's so pretty.

Oh, yes, she is. Mm-hmm.

- She looks like a stewardess.
- Okay.

[Sighs] I don't know. I don't know.

- She's... she's way out of my league.
- Hey, no one is out of your league.

- Nobody, man.
- You are a Viking.

You rape and you pillage
and you take what's yours.

What? Don't.

Okay, obviously...
obviously don't rape her.

- Don't rape people.
- That's not...

- you really think I can do this?
BRUCE AND CAL: - Yes! yes!

[Sighs] All right, I'm gonna do
it. What do I have to lose, right?

- Oh, yeah?
- Yes.

Yeah. Oh, wow.

- Whoa! All the way in.
- All right.

You have to finish it before you...

it looked like there was so much less.

There it is, dude.

[Grunts] [Chuckles]

- Go get them!
- All right. Yeah.

Go get 'em. Get get it, dude.

Just don't try to be funny
because you're not funny at all,

and don't talk about Laura 'cause
you'll cry like a little girl.

- Okay, buddy?
- Okay.

Way to go, idiot.

She's way out of his league.

No, she's not. She's like... oh, God.

Now that I'm actually looking
at her, she is incredibly hot.

He's dead.

♪ Baby, I feel it coming around ♪

- S-sit down. Sit down.
- Sit down.

Excuse me. Hey, c-can I
buy you a drink... Please?

- Do I know you?
- Nope. No, no. No.

I'm a stranger. I'm Tom.

BRUCE: Let me tell you about my boy Tom.

He was born in 1986 in
Pawtucket, Rhode Island.

His mother was overjoyed.

His father... not so much.

[Tires squeal]

Tom's father left when Tom was six.

Bye, dad.

Tom didn't figure that
out till he was nine.

Tom grew up desperately
trying to make his mom happy.

This would ruin all of his relationships
with girls for the next 10 years.

Then at a college party in our dorm...

Hey! Hey, hey!

I introduced him to Laura Johnson.

They quickly fell in love.

Yeah, bring the weed.
I still own that Speedo.

Oh, Laura loved how much Tom doted on her,

and they smashed it out
about five times a week.

After graduation, Tom and Laura moved
into a super-white section of Brooklyn

and got engaged.

[Woman squeals] [Laughs]

- Beautiful!
- Oh, my God!

It was the happiest Tom had ever been.

It's over with us.

What? Uh, what do you mean?

I'm just not feeling it anymore.

[Gasps] Wait. Are you serious?

I just woke up this morning
and I looked over at you

and everything about you repulsed me.

[Chuckles] Repulsed? Like how?

Like physically. Like, looking
at your face made me want to barf.

Maybe it was something you ate.

- We had Korean barbecue last night.
- No, it was you. It was your face.

You look like a beaver.

Laura, we've talked about this like
20 times. I can't help my beaver face.

BRUCE: Never liked her, dude.

- Not in college, not after, not ever.
- Bruce, you introduced us.

Yeah, dude, 'cause I
thought she was a whore.

I didn't think you were gonna marry her.

- Don't talk like that. You know I still...
- Don't.

[Voice Breaking] I still love her.

I just wish I knew why she
left. What did I do wrong?

Well, dude, get him a Kleenex right now.

What are you... [Grunts]

Look, man, he doesn't have Kleenex, okay?

Guys don't have Kleenex.

Yeah, they do. I'm a guy. I have Kleenex.

- You have Kleenex?
- Yeah, dude.

I have Kleenex strewn
all over my apartment.

Why do you have so much Kleenex?

Why do you think I have
so much Kleenex, Cal?

I pop off everywhere.

- I'm gonna call Laura again.
- What?

- No, no, no.
- Hey, look. Hey, okay, look.

We get it. This whole thing is drudging up

a bunch of stuff about
your old man leaving.

You know, sometimes people
leave without saying why.

Oh, dude, I didn't even think
about that about his dad.

- Yeah.
- I hadn't thought about it either.

- God, that's incredible.
- Yeah, it's crushing.

- Can you imagine that?
- No.

You guys, this is making
me feel a lot worse.

Hey, look over here. Here's the plan, Stan.

You're gonna go to that computer,

you're gonna download a whole
bunch of weird illegal porno.

You need to go to that dirty
porno site I sent you...

Eventually you'll get over
that pig fart Laura, okay?

She'll be out of your brain.

You'll start banging
super-questionable, shallow girls.

You'll hate yourself afterwards,
but then you'll meet someone, dude.

Someone hot, smart, nice, cool, cute.
Like the perfect girl for Tommy, okay?

Yeah.

And you'll totally blow
that because you always do.

You'll be way too into her and too clingy,

and she'll be like, "I
don't even like this guy."

and that story usually ends
with a restraining order,

- which, for the record, wasn't necessary.
- Okay.

All right, just stop talking. Shut up.

Okay, the point is...
You'll meet someone else.

- Someone hotter...
- Mm-hmm.

- With a big ass.
- A big ass is good?

Big booties are what's in, dude.
Yes. We'll get you a big, thick booty.

Black guys were right all along.
We should've listened to them.

- Let's go catch a big booty.
- Let's go. You feel better?

- Yeah.
- Come on.

- All right.
- Attaboy.

Can... can I buy you a drink?

Uh, yeah, I got a second. Sit.

Really? Oh, neat.

[Singsong voice] Okay,
this is gonna go well.

♪♪♪

- There you are.
- Hey.

So, how come when I dumped
you three minutes ago,

you were all like, "Okay"?

W-what did you want me to say?

I wanted you to be pissed.

I mean, couldn't you have at
least pretended to be hurt?

Look, I-I was hurt. I was hurt.

- Really?
- Of course not.

[Gasps]
Look, I-I'm sorry if I hurt you, Sharee,

- But, the thing is, you got to...
- Sharee?

Who's Sharee?

Okay, I've temporarily forgotten your name.

[Gasps]
I-it's, uh... Mi... Carol.

No, it's not Carol.

It's 2013. No one is named Carol anymore.

Oh, my God. I am never
talking to you again.

Is it Jennifer?

No! It is so not Jennifer!
[Sighs]

So, this is, uh, just want to
say thank you for talking to me.

[chuckles] So, well, what's your name?

- Maya.
- Maya?

Wow, it sounds like a fancy bird.
You seem like a very nice lady.

Unfortunately, Tom's an idiot.

Maya is not a very nice lady.

[Grunting] [Screaming]
It's comming!

Maya was born in 1984 in the front
seat of her father's pickup truck.

[Baby crying]

She had her first beer one minute later.

She was the third of six girls.

Unfortunately... Her
father didn't like girls.

He raised Maya like a son,
teaching her basketball,

baseball, and fighting for no reason.

Maya learned that acting
like a... [Bleep] [bleep]

Got her exactly what she wanted,

including a basketball
scholarship to Phelps University.

Maya loved conflict and hated people.
So naturally, she became a lawyer.

She took a job at Miran Hartwick & Fritz,
the premier sports law firm in the country.

Did you see our newest client?

Mnh-mnh. Who?

Keyshawn Johnson. He's down the hall.

Is he still hot?

[Sighs] That man is climbable.

I mean, I... Whoa, no, no,
no, no. Don't do this again.

- Do what?
- Don't date any more pro athletes.

I have to date pro athletes, Liv.
They're the only real men left.

Oh, what about Jim's friend Jeff?

No. Come on. I'm done dating white guys.

They're all too soft.

Isn't that right, Carl?

See? That's what I mean.

If I talked like that to Don Draper,
he would smack me in the mouth.

That is a man, not this. Not Carl.

That's not nice. It's his birthday today.

Happy Birthday, Carl. Yay!

We all signed a card.

Why do you do that to people?

- Do what?
- Are you serious?

He's on his way to his office to hang
himself with his big-and-tall tie.

Liv, how is a person
ever supposed to improve

unless you point out
their weaknesses to them?

Ugh. Anyway, the only thing
I was trying to say here

was don't date Keyshawn Johnson.

- I won't.
- One more time.

I will not date Keyshawn Johnson.

Hey, Keyshawn?!

Yeah, what's up?

Oh, hey, did you call the
guy about the plumbing?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I talked to him.

Thank you.

- Whose are these?
- I don't know. Yours.

Are you cheating on me
with someone very small?

[Scoffs]

Come on. We've been dating
for like a couple of months.

Right?

I'm sure you've had some fun along the way.

[Sniffles]

Don't... Key, do not cry.
You're a three-time pro-bowler.

[Clears throat]
Stop it.

You are the biggest
bitch that I've ever met.

The biggest.

And Keyshawn Johnson has seen some bitches.

[Scoffs]

Well, thank you. I am a very nice lady.

So, my exotic princess, where are you from?

- Pittsburgh.
- Nice. Go Phillies.

- Pirates.
- Pirates! Right.

Great, you know.

Look, I'm... I'm sorry.
God, I suck at this.

[Sighs]

My... my fiancée of eight
years just dumped me,

and you're basically the first girl
I've talked to since, like, 2005.

Well, that would explain the shirt.

Look, look, look. Meet Ron.

- Wow, he is really cute.
- Right?

Okay, check this out. [Cellphone beeps]

Oh, my God. Is that his...

Yes, it is.

Oh, my God. Please... Please put that away.

Grow up, Pippi Longstocking.
Everybody does it nowadays.

It's good manners. It's like shaking hands.

Well, okay, I think it's gross.

You know, what's gross is the
picture I sent back to him.

Jessica, why would you do that?

Janey, I've got three
years left to find a guy

who maybe has a job
and doesn't hate my kids

and is crazy enough to marry me.

But I am worried about this guy.

I just think we should
just get out of here.

Too late. He's here.

He is hot.

He looks like a Disney prince.

- Laugh.
- What?

Just laugh, dude. [Both laugh]

[English accent] Excuse me. Hello.

Uh, are you Jessica?

Well, that depends on who's asking.

[Vomits]
Oh, my God!

My bad.

♪♪♪

- Well, um...
- Um, okay.

I'll just pop that shut.

[Gasps] I'm horribly sorry.

The truth is,
I'm actually a little bit drunk.

Mm-hmm.

I'd offer to buy you a new purse,
but, sadly, I just lost all my money.

Yeah, my start-up just died.

So since breakfast, I
have lost $17.3 million.

Oh, my God. That sounds really bad.

Okay, well, it was nice meeting you, Ron.

Right, yeah.

Um, I think this went quite well.

Sorry about that.

You don't happen to have a mint, do you?

I did... In my purse.

Keep it. Keep it.

Um... Cheers.

[Thud]

[Shatters] That's a fire hazard.

Hey.

I forgot to ask if I
could have Wednesday off.

Josh said he'd cover for me.

Yeah. Yeah, sure.

Thank you. Uh-huh.

I'm still angry.

Okay.

The worst part is, she... she didn't
give me an explanation, you know?

She just... treated her so well, you know?

I... [Sighs heavily]

[Voice breaking] We went
jean shopping together.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, my God, dude. He's crying.

Okay, no. Wait. Maybe this is good.

You know, they're probably
having a heart to heart.

Oh, yeah, and maybe we'll
win the lottery later

and then get a ride home
on unicorns that poop money.

She always wore jeans
because she hated her legs,

and I told her, "You have awesome legs.

You should wear skirts more
often," but she never did.

Except once, on my birthday, she wore
capris, and her legs looked amazing.

Okay, um, I'm sorry. I
can't take this anymore.

Do you want to know why
your fiancée left you?

Yes.

Uh, she left you because
you're a sniveling little bitch.

What? No, no, no.

I'm... I'm nice.

Uh, are you nice or are you just
scared of people not liking you?

Because there's actually a difference.

Look at me, John.

- Tom!
- Tom, look at me.

Every girl wants a nice guy, okay?

But we also need a man, all
right, who isn't afraid to say,

"I'm not going jean
shopping with you, all right?

I'm a man. Respect my balls,
woman." you know what I mean?

No. No, I don't know what you mean.

Just figure out what you want
and then go out and get it.

That's what real men do every single
day. It's no mystery. It's not difficult.

And if you ever want to get laid again,

first, you have to learn
how to be a man, okay?

Because right now, listening to
you makes me want to kill myself.

- Okay.
- Okay?

[Sighs] [Sighs]

- Can I just say something?
- What?

[Sighs] This has been so helpful.

- Oh, okay. Good.
- No, I-I-I... [Sighs]

I've been trying to
figure out why Laura left.

- It's not her.
It's me. - Mm-hmm.

I'm a little bitch.

- Yes.
[Chuckles] - This is fantastic!

- Is it?
- Yes, yes.

I finally have an answer.
I can finally just move on.

- Oh, thank you.
- No.

Oh!

Great. Now he's attacking her.

Okay, yeah, this is getting pretty weird.

Yep. Let's just pay our
bill and quietly leave.

- Miss, we need to close out.
- Um...

You're done.
[Sighs]

- Like, can I get your number?
- Wow.

You're kidding. [Laughs]

You just said to be a man
and go after what I want,

so that's what I'm doing.

Give me your number, woman.

Oh. [Laughs]

- I'm sorry. was that too much?
- That's...

I would really appreciate
your cellular-phone number.

Okay, look at you.

Okay, fine. Good job. Good job.

- Do you have a pen?
- Oh, my... really?

- Oh, my gosh.
- Oh, you don't have a pen.

I don't have a pen.

Oh, my. Thank you. Thank
you. Thank you. Thank you.

Pen.

CAL: Oh, is he get...
is he getting her number?

BRUCE: What? What is happening?

- That is my boy.
- Dude, good coaching.

- I'm not gonna lie. That's pretty amazing.
- Yeah.

I'm like the Phil Jackson
of The Dating Game, sir.

- He's retired, by the way.
- Don't be so literal.

- Are you trying say that I...
- I'm just saying don't...

- should retire?
- Why don't you do an active coach?

And you realize this has been, like,
the worst pickup in human history.

Yeah, but it'll be a hilarious
story we tell our kids one day.

- I hate kids.
- Me, too. They are so loud.

Here you go.

- God, I'm gonna call the hell out of you.
- Don't do that.

- Love your handbag, by the way.
- Okay.

I feel like I can fly.

You guys, exchange numbers.
It feels... it feels good.

- That's my boy.
- This is crazy.

- That's my boy.
- Yeah. I don't believe it.

Oh, my God. Excuse me. Oh, geez.

Cal, Bruce!

Tommy!

Get over here, man.

[Laughs] My God. I did it.

Sit down. Sit down, huh?

I think I met my wife. I don't know.

Well, okay. Well, let's
not jump all over that, man.

Just relax, all right?

- Hi.
- Oh, hi.

- Hi.
- Hey.

- Guess what you missed.
- What?

Uh, I got hit on by the weirdest dude.

Oh, no. I wish I could've seen that.

- Uh, Liv, he cried.
- Another one?

What are you doing, Maya?
Are you hitting them?

And he decided that he was
gonna ask me for my phone number.

You didn't actually give him
your phone number did you?

No, I did. He was so stupid and happy.

It felt... it felt good.

Aww, that's like the first time you
ever did something nice for someone.

- No!
- Toast to my boy Tommy, huh?

- Give me some love.
- Cheers.

Bam. Bam. To Tommy.

You picked yourself up by your penis
and you played like a champion tonight.

- Big Red is proud of you, huh?
- I'm very proud of you, too.

Thank you.

I got to tell you, we
work well together, man.

Yes, we do. Yes, we do.

♪ I see you, kid, alone in your room ♪

This is the story of 10 strangers,

one night,

and all the ridiculous
things we do to find love.

♪ Your world is just beginning ♪

♪ And I know this life
seems never-ending ♪

And the night has just begun.

Yeah, hang on. No, no, no. Yeah,
I can hear you. It was just loud.

Excuse me. Uh, yeah, no.

We're just... we're just gonna have
one drink, and then I'll be home.

Oh, don't watch...

Don't watch "Devious Maids" without me.

Okay. Love you, too.

Sorry to bother you.

Do you have a piece of gum?

No... Gum.

I... I have... I have none gum. I have...

I'm gumless. [Laughs]

- I'm sorry. I don't do this.
- You don't do what?

I, uh, um...

I-I don't talk to British people.

That's quite smart, actually.
We're all wankers and perverts.

No, no, no. I love British
people, and scones I love.

They're like a muffin but
hard, which is better sometimes.

Thank you. I'll... I'll, uh, call
the queen and congratulate her.

[Laughing] Okay.

I'm Ron, by the way.

Uh, Liv.

It was very nice to meet you, Ron.

Well, wait. Wait, wait. Please,
will you have a drink with me?

CAL: Should we just leave?

No, no. I don't want to
leave. I want to crush. What?

There's a few girls here I can smash out.

- My goodness.
- Ooh, she fine.

- Hey.
- Ooh, she fine.

- Hey, how you doing?
- Ooh, she fine.

- Thanks, bro.
- All right, good.

- We don't, uh... we don't do that.
- We're... we're not together.

None of this stuff. No
sword fights for us, man.

You know, you remind me of Danny bonaduce.

You look more like a
Danny bona-douche-y.

You listen here, black guy
from every commercial ever.

You trying to say I'm non-threatening?

- You go...
- Don't mess with me tonight.

- Dude, seriously?
- Don't.

- Why you pushing me?
- Don't when I'm...

huh? you want to go toe to toe, Cal?

Look at that chick over
there throwing up. Oh.

I'm gonna bang her out.

- All right, well, have...
- Excuse me, miss?