Mixology (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 10 - Liv & Jim - full transcript
Liv is forced to face the reality of her actions as well as her engagement after her fiance unexpectedly shows up at the bar. Meanwhile, Bruce gets into a bar-gument with Tom and Cal after ...
Bruce: This is the story of 10 strangers,
one night, and all the stupid,
embarrassing, ridiculous things we do...
To find love.
Seriously, I could kill
her. Like, where is she?
Why'd we get Liv get so drunk?
Hey, there she is!
Live, stay there! We're coming!
Jessica: Oh, my God, Ron. You're so funny.
[Laughs]
Ron: Tell me about your horrible job.
I don't know why they
call it a barn. [Gasps]
Oh, my God! What the hell?
Hey, no, Liv! No kissing
the nice man! All right!
Up. Up. Up. Up.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. She's drunk.
She doesn't know what she's
doing. She's going... [Gasps]
Liv, did you call your fiancé?
Because... he's here.
[Gasps]
Oh, crap.
Do you think he can see me?
What the hell are you doing?
You must be the fiancé.
- [Grunts]
- Maya: Whoa!
[All gasp] Oh, my God!
- Hey, watch it, buddy. What are you...
- Back off, bro!
Oh, my God.
Uh, Jim?
Jim, wait!
No, I'm okay. Thanks, everyone. Um...
[Chuckles] Ooh.
God, I love a Scorpion Bowl.
They're so dangerous.
Dude, remember the last
time we got one of these?
Tom got so drunk, he ran into a tree.
[Laughing] Yeah, you moron.
What can I say? I crashed
like Crawley! [Laughs]
Crashed like Crawley! That is genius!
[Both laugh] What does that mean?
Like Matthew Crawley, from
"Downton Abbey," when he dies?
Mnh.
Matthew Crawley dies?
Have you two been watching
season three without me?!
No. What? [Chuckles nervously]
Oh, my God! You have!
Look, it's not personal,
but sometimes it's really
hard to watch TV with you.
You just make fun of
everything the whole time.
I concur.
Okay, that's super-personal. Like when?
Like when you said "period dramas
are for people on their periods."
[Laughs] That's awesome.
I said that? It's funny.
Sometimes me and Cal, we
get together, and we...
We watch TV on our own,
and it's really nice. Yeah.
Tom makes the best finger sandwiches.
Oh, oh, does he? I'm
so glad you like those.
I really do. I really [Chuckles]
[Chuckles] That's great. That's it.
I am sick of carrying this team and
not getting the recognition I deserve.
I am done with you nerds.
And I'm taking my Scorpion Bowl. Come on.
You know we can just
order another one, right?
Where are you going?
Well, I'm gonna go find some new friends
who appreciate my skills and my talents.
- What skills?
- What talents?
I'm very good at table tennis.
[Laughs]
I'm excellent at recording songs off
the radio that all of us like to enjoy.
And I'm phenomenal hugger,
and you know that, Cal.
Did he just dump us?
- Jessica, I just wanted to say...
- Please don't.
It is a complicated situation.
Mm, really?
No, because you showed up
drunk, you puked in my purse,
and then you kissed another
girl while I was talking to you.
What's complicated about any of that? Yeah.
When you list it like
that, in sequential order,
it makes me sound like a total wanker.
Or maybe I am just... A total wanker.
I'm really sorry.
[Sighs]
[Groans]
He's so cute.
Really?
Jim!
Jim! Stop!
What's going on, Liv?
I'm sorry. I went a little crazy
tonight, but seeing you here in your vest,
I just... I know I want to be with you.
We're just making such a big decision,
and I think I freaked out a little bit.
The truth is, Liv and Jim
were perfect for each other.
Jim was owner and executive chef
at a chic Manhattan restaurant.
Liv loved all of Jim's food,
even his head cheese soup,
which pretty much
everyone agreed was gross.
Jim's success afforded him
a sweet Manhattan apartment.
They even had one of those
TVs that comes out of the cabinet.
Jim was the complete package.
He was a great friend,
he was great with kids,
he was even great with old people.
But most importantly, Liv
and Jim were compatible...
Like scary-compatible.
Have you ever been to one of Jim
and Liv's magic nights before?
- Nope.
- They're amazing.
[Music plays] [Light laughter]
Whoo! Ohh!
Is this a joke?
Oh!
Welcome to Jim and Liv's magic night!
Night, night, night, night.
[Applause]
I'm Jim, the Fanciful,
and this is my beautiful assistant, Liv!
- [Both laugh]
- That's not even magic.
- That's just a fake hand.
- Man: That was good. That was good.
For my next trick, I'm going to make
my beautiful girlfriend disappear.
Oh!
Honey, I heard there's
a sale at the shoe store.
[Gasps] [Both laugh]
So long! Loves shoes, this one.
- [Applause] That was good.
- I need cooler friends.
Maybe they were a little
dorky... or even a lot dorky...
But Liv and Jim were
perfect for each other.
So perfect it sort of makes you wonder...
What the hell was Liv thinking?
What the hell was I thinking?
I don't know, Liv.
- But I'm done.
- What?!
Excuse me.
Liv, are you okay? Hey? Hey?
Where's Jim going? I don't know.
Our apartment is uptown but he
just marched off down that way,
and I feel like he doesn't want
to look silly by turning around.
I really hurt him, Maya.
Look at me. Look at me.
You just dodged the
biggest bullet of your life.
Then why do I feel so bad?
Because you're a girl, and
you don't like hurting people.
Liv, don't go wobbly on this, okay?
Marrying Jim would have been like
marrying a house plant or a piece of toast.
I got to go get him, Maya.
- Liv...
- I want him back.
Are you sure?
Yeah.
Okay, let's go get him back, then.
[All cheering]
Bruce: What's up, fellas?
Uh, you mind if me and my
Scorpion Bowl take a seat?
Uh, sure! [Chuckles]
Give me a straw, bro! Give
me a straw. [Chuckles]
Awesome, yeah. Get in
there. My name is Bruce, man.
I like big, fake boobs, deep house
beats, and movies with explosions.
[Laughter] I like this guy! Right?
- What a find!
- Yes! Yes!
This guy's hilarious. [Laughter]
Well, he certainly found
new friends quickly.
He opens strong. Give it time.
I mean, I'm really
having fun with just you.
Oh, totally. This is a blast! [Chuckles]
- [Sighs] How's your dog?
- I don't have a dog.
Hey.
I saw what happened
before. This one's on me.
Oh, thank you, but I am heading off
before my night can get any worse.
Hey. No, no, no, no. You can't give up.
Ask your friend.
Oh, no.
Look, I gave up on my music, and your
friend said a lot of very mean stuff to me.
So I picked up my guitar, and it
changed my life forever... I think.
I mean, this only happened an hour ago.
And, I'm sorry, what does this
have to do with me leaving the bar?
It means you can't give up on your dreams
because they always come true
the second time you try them.
Not at all what I said.
Look, I have a break
coming up in five minutes.
So why don't you stay, have a drink?
And then I'm gonna rock your world.
Oh, my.
Uh, wo... wow!
You know what?
Okay.
Okay.
Drink up.
[Snaps fingers]
And that is why I'm from Ohio
but still love the Lakers.
[Laughs]
And the Lakers are...?
- Basketball.
- Yes!
Basketball. Michael Jordan.
Oh, yeah! I'm dying! I'm dying!
I'm dying! I'm dying! Oh!
God, he's killing it over there.
And so I said to the
guy, "I don't know, bro.
That's not my cucumber." [Laughter]
That is the funniest thing
I've ever heard in my life!
I know. I know.
It is. Okay, okay. I got to know. Yeah?
Do you do stand-up comedy, Bruce?
Nah, dude. I don't really do
jokes, you know what I mean?
My comedy is more, uh,
edgy and improvisational.
Ohh.
So, what are you doing
Saturday? Your mother?
[Laughter] He's doing your mom!
Because I'm getting married,
and I'd really like you to be there.
Oh, yeah?! Really?! Yeah!
Oh, Jeff! I'll be there! Oh!
Oh, dude! Awesome! Yeah.
- Well, what are we celebrating tonight?
- Oh, dude!
- It is Dave's birthday.
- What?! Dave?!
Yes, it is. It's my birthday.
What?! This is a birthday
party?! [Laughter]
Oh, wow! You guys don't look
like you're in 3rd grade!
[Laughs]
What do you mean, Bruce?
Yeah, can you explain your joke, Bruce?
You know, it's like, uh,
aren't we a little too old to
be celebrating our birthdays?
I mean, congrats on turning 27.
You went another year
without dying! [Laughs]
You know, what an amazing feat,
you didn't fall down a manhole this year!
[Laughs] Oh, you lived again? Cool.
Loser. [Laughs] Who cares?
I've been planning this
night for three months, dude.
Three months?
Yeah, Dave loves his birthdays, man. Hmm.
Yeah, maybe you should go, Bruce.
You're actually kind of obnoxious. Yeah.
- I miss funny Bruce.
- Me, too.
You know, yeah, I got to
go, anyw... what is it?
Whoa, I got to get out of here.
I'll probably just... [Coughs]
Yeah. [Clears throat]
See you guys at Jeff's wedding.
Yeah, I just found out we
don't have room anymore.
Oh, that's too bad, because I'm
still coming, with a plus-one.
- You're not invited.
- I'm still coming, Jeff!
- No!
- Yes!
- Jim!
- He doesn't even know where he's going.
Jim! Jim!
I'm sorry I hurt you.
I just got so wrapped up in my own
stuff that I forgot to think about you.
Well, it's too late.
Look, Jim. We both know
that I don't like you.
No, I-I-I didn't know that.
I've told you you're boring
like a thousand times.
- I thought you were kidding!
- No.
I told you she wasn't kidding.
The point is, I don't like you.
So, tonight, I tried to get Liv to
spread her wings and live a little
and maybe even think
twice about marrying you.
But kissing random dudes and giving
guys her panties isn't who Liv is.
You gave guys your panties?
- Technically they were Maya's panties.
- The bottom line is...
Liv is still the same cute, dorky,
awesome girl you fell in love with.
Don't throw away everything
the two of you have built
just because I made her
go crazy for one night.
That's stupid.
Look at her, Jim.
She loves you.
- I don't know why. Look at that outfit...
- Okay, thank you, Maya.
I guess... I got a little nervous
about getting married, too.
The day I proposed,
I put a radish in a bouillabaisse.
Whoa.
I know. It was insane.
Can we just go home and put on our
pajamas and watch "Mike & Molly"?
Tonight's the episode where
Molly eats too much pie.
Oh, I love that one.
Let's go home.
[Sighs]
I'll get us a cab.
You're an amazing friend.
Bye!
I was going to save this as a surprise,
but I got us tickets to
"La Bohéme" for next Friday.
Ooh, the opera. How exciting.
Oh, and they're using the original
arias, so this is the extended version.
That does sound longer.
Gummybear? You okay?
No, dude. Gummybear was not okay.
Like all couples who've
been dating for a while,
Jim and Liv eventually
fell into a comfortable rut.
So Liv decided to spruce it up.
Hey, honey?
- Hey, Liv, look... I'm juggling!
- I want to go to India.
- What does that mean?
- I just want more, Jim.
Is this an "Eat, Pray, Love" thing?
No!
Maybe.
[Sighs] Obviously yes.
But it's also a "me
thing". I'm restless, Jim.
What if we did something
a little more local?
My parents have that
time-share in Boca Raton.
Damn it, Jim! It has to be India!
I want to go and dance with wise old men!
I want to eat food that might kill me.
And I want to play with elephants.
And I want to meet Omar Sharif.
Let's do that.
- Oh, my God, seriously?!
- Yeah.
Oh, thank you, babe. Oh, my God!
[Chuckles] But they never went.
There was always a reason not to go.
First, Jim got a new job.
Then it was too close to the holidays.
Then Jim wanted to go to magic camp.
And with every passing year,
Liv only got more restless.
'Cause if you don't like
"La Bohéme," that's fine.
We can do anything.
I heard The Guggenheim has a new vase.
Stop the cab!
I want to go to India right now.
If we don't, I'm gonna explode.
But what about our jobs and the wedding?
Plus, I thought we were gonna
start trying to get pregnant.
If we're gonna have five
kids, then we gotta start soon.
It's common to get cold
feet before a wedding.
Sadly, it's also common to
marry the absolute wrong person.
The hard part is discerning which is which.
♪ My curious heart is ♪
♪ Seriously falling for you ♪
♪ My curious heart is ♪
♪ Seriously falling for you ♪
♪ For you ♪
So, where do you think
he's gonna rock your world?
Honestly, I don't even care at this point.
I would have sex with him in a landfill.
Dominic: Hey! Hey!
I want to dedicate this song
to a beautiful woman who's had a
tough night tonight. Oh, my God.
- No. No. No. No. No.
- To Jerrica!
Oh, thank God. Uh, uh, no!
I mean Jessica, right
there in the red dress!
Everybody look at her! [Light laughter]
[Crowd murmurs]
Is everybody looking?
Uh-huh. Turn around.
[Sighs]
I think this is what he meant when
he said he was gonna rock your...
Yep! Already got that.
Yeah.
[Soft music starts]
♪ Cheer up, girl ♪
♪ Please don't cry ♪
♪ Cheer up, girl ♪
♪ What? Did someone die? ♪
Oh.
Yeah. All right.
♪ Your smile is like a plane ticket ♪
♪ I really want to book it ♪
♪ Your smile is like ♪
♪ Richard Nixon, yeah ♪
♪ It's very, very crooked ♪
Did he say I was Richard Nixon?
I'm surprised he even
knows who Richard Nixon is.
♪ So, baby, smile those tears away ♪
This guy is very bad at singing.
God, this is the day that
music died. Am I right?
♪ Your eyes like a construction site ♪
♪ With dump trucks, diggers & cranes ♪
Dude, we suck at this. Bruce
would know exactly what to say!
I bet he's somewhere ripping
this guy apart. Where is he?
- ♪ A little bit insane ♪
- Can you believe this guy?
Yeah, he's so brave to put
himself out there like this.
- ♪ Baby, I want to hear you say ♪
- What?
♪ I'm gonna smile those tears away ♪
♪ Ooh, baby, smile ♪
♪ Cry those tears away ♪
♪ Yah, it gets better ♪
♪ Even if you're not gay ♪
♪ You're a cutie, you're a beauty ♪
♪ You've got crazy, Ghetto Booty ♪
♪ So, baby, smile those tears away ♪
♪ Baby, smile those tears away ♪
I'm so sorry we watched
"Downton Abbey" without you!
It's okay. I get it.
Sometimes I'm so funny, it
makes you guys feel inferior.
Yeah, that's not really our issue.
Do you want to watch "The Voice" with us?
A show about four spinning
chairs? My barber has that.
I would love to rip
that show with you guys.
- Yeah, he didn't learn anything.
- Not even a little.
I'm gonna talk through the whole thing
and make fun of CeeLo's
weird, scrunchy Buddha body.
[Chuckles] At least we'll be together.
Oh, you guys!
♪ Your smile is as delicious ♪
♪ As a bacon cheeseburger ♪
♪ Your smile can land a plane ♪
♪ Like Captain Sully Sullenberger ♪
Ah!
♪ Ooh, baby, smile ♪
♪ Let me see those teeth ♪
♪ If you could just stop crying ♪
♪ It would be a relief ♪
- Hey.
Hey! What are you doing here?
♪ You're a cutie, you're a beauty ♪
I... it's over with Jim.
I broke off our engagement.
Wow! Okay. Um... are you okay?
Yeah. ♪ you smile those tears away ♪
I probably should've
done that a long time ago.
Mnh. Come here.
♪ Don't hide your feelings ♪
♪ In your pocket ♪
- What is this song?
- I don't know.
- ♪ Don't lock 'em in a locket ♪
- [Chuckles]
I don't think anyone knows. [Both laugh]
♪ Smile those tears away ♪
♪ Baby, smile those tears away ♪
[All cheering]
Can I get a scotch?
- Can I get a...
- Hey, chief?!
- Hi! Eye contact.
- Hey, guy!
Yeah, they never see
me 'cause I'm too short.
Yeah, well, there never
see me, 'cause I have balls.
- [Chuckles] Hey, guy!
- Hi!
- Okay, what do you need?
- A scotch.
- I got this.
- Hi!
[Glass shatters] There's that.
Whoa!
Everything all right over there?
No, sir. It is not.
We need a scotch and
three vodka tonics, please.
All right. Coming right up.
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
It's Bruce, right?
- Yeah. It's Maya, right?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
[Bag rustling]
[Crunching] [Soft music playing]
Hm? Mnh, no.
Wait, who's that?
- The Dowager Countess.
- The Dowager Countess.
- Why does she talk funny?
- She's British.
Mm. [Chuckles]
World War I looks really easy, dude.
I think I could've beat
World War I on my own.
- Oh, do they show boobs in this?
- No, it's PBS.
- Are there any wizards on it?
- No.
Then why are we watching this show?
[Crunching continues]
Ugh, guys, come on. This show's boring!
Wait, why aren't they getting married?
Her father said she
couldn't because he's Irish.
I'm Irish.
That's very racist.
That's very racist.
But this is crazy, they love each...
They're in love.
What?
This show is stupidy, make it louder.
one night, and all the stupid,
embarrassing, ridiculous things we do...
To find love.
Seriously, I could kill
her. Like, where is she?
Why'd we get Liv get so drunk?
Hey, there she is!
Live, stay there! We're coming!
Jessica: Oh, my God, Ron. You're so funny.
[Laughs]
Ron: Tell me about your horrible job.
I don't know why they
call it a barn. [Gasps]
Oh, my God! What the hell?
Hey, no, Liv! No kissing
the nice man! All right!
Up. Up. Up. Up.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. She's drunk.
She doesn't know what she's
doing. She's going... [Gasps]
Liv, did you call your fiancé?
Because... he's here.
[Gasps]
Oh, crap.
Do you think he can see me?
What the hell are you doing?
You must be the fiancé.
- [Grunts]
- Maya: Whoa!
[All gasp] Oh, my God!
- Hey, watch it, buddy. What are you...
- Back off, bro!
Oh, my God.
Uh, Jim?
Jim, wait!
No, I'm okay. Thanks, everyone. Um...
[Chuckles] Ooh.
God, I love a Scorpion Bowl.
They're so dangerous.
Dude, remember the last
time we got one of these?
Tom got so drunk, he ran into a tree.
[Laughing] Yeah, you moron.
What can I say? I crashed
like Crawley! [Laughs]
Crashed like Crawley! That is genius!
[Both laugh] What does that mean?
Like Matthew Crawley, from
"Downton Abbey," when he dies?
Mnh.
Matthew Crawley dies?
Have you two been watching
season three without me?!
No. What? [Chuckles nervously]
Oh, my God! You have!
Look, it's not personal,
but sometimes it's really
hard to watch TV with you.
You just make fun of
everything the whole time.
I concur.
Okay, that's super-personal. Like when?
Like when you said "period dramas
are for people on their periods."
[Laughs] That's awesome.
I said that? It's funny.
Sometimes me and Cal, we
get together, and we...
We watch TV on our own,
and it's really nice. Yeah.
Tom makes the best finger sandwiches.
Oh, oh, does he? I'm
so glad you like those.
I really do. I really [Chuckles]
[Chuckles] That's great. That's it.
I am sick of carrying this team and
not getting the recognition I deserve.
I am done with you nerds.
And I'm taking my Scorpion Bowl. Come on.
You know we can just
order another one, right?
Where are you going?
Well, I'm gonna go find some new friends
who appreciate my skills and my talents.
- What skills?
- What talents?
I'm very good at table tennis.
[Laughs]
I'm excellent at recording songs off
the radio that all of us like to enjoy.
And I'm phenomenal hugger,
and you know that, Cal.
Did he just dump us?
- Jessica, I just wanted to say...
- Please don't.
It is a complicated situation.
Mm, really?
No, because you showed up
drunk, you puked in my purse,
and then you kissed another
girl while I was talking to you.
What's complicated about any of that? Yeah.
When you list it like
that, in sequential order,
it makes me sound like a total wanker.
Or maybe I am just... A total wanker.
I'm really sorry.
[Sighs]
[Groans]
He's so cute.
Really?
Jim!
Jim! Stop!
What's going on, Liv?
I'm sorry. I went a little crazy
tonight, but seeing you here in your vest,
I just... I know I want to be with you.
We're just making such a big decision,
and I think I freaked out a little bit.
The truth is, Liv and Jim
were perfect for each other.
Jim was owner and executive chef
at a chic Manhattan restaurant.
Liv loved all of Jim's food,
even his head cheese soup,
which pretty much
everyone agreed was gross.
Jim's success afforded him
a sweet Manhattan apartment.
They even had one of those
TVs that comes out of the cabinet.
Jim was the complete package.
He was a great friend,
he was great with kids,
he was even great with old people.
But most importantly, Liv
and Jim were compatible...
Like scary-compatible.
Have you ever been to one of Jim
and Liv's magic nights before?
- Nope.
- They're amazing.
[Music plays] [Light laughter]
Whoo! Ohh!
Is this a joke?
Oh!
Welcome to Jim and Liv's magic night!
Night, night, night, night.
[Applause]
I'm Jim, the Fanciful,
and this is my beautiful assistant, Liv!
- [Both laugh]
- That's not even magic.
- That's just a fake hand.
- Man: That was good. That was good.
For my next trick, I'm going to make
my beautiful girlfriend disappear.
Oh!
Honey, I heard there's
a sale at the shoe store.
[Gasps] [Both laugh]
So long! Loves shoes, this one.
- [Applause] That was good.
- I need cooler friends.
Maybe they were a little
dorky... or even a lot dorky...
But Liv and Jim were
perfect for each other.
So perfect it sort of makes you wonder...
What the hell was Liv thinking?
What the hell was I thinking?
I don't know, Liv.
- But I'm done.
- What?!
Excuse me.
Liv, are you okay? Hey? Hey?
Where's Jim going? I don't know.
Our apartment is uptown but he
just marched off down that way,
and I feel like he doesn't want
to look silly by turning around.
I really hurt him, Maya.
Look at me. Look at me.
You just dodged the
biggest bullet of your life.
Then why do I feel so bad?
Because you're a girl, and
you don't like hurting people.
Liv, don't go wobbly on this, okay?
Marrying Jim would have been like
marrying a house plant or a piece of toast.
I got to go get him, Maya.
- Liv...
- I want him back.
Are you sure?
Yeah.
Okay, let's go get him back, then.
[All cheering]
Bruce: What's up, fellas?
Uh, you mind if me and my
Scorpion Bowl take a seat?
Uh, sure! [Chuckles]
Give me a straw, bro! Give
me a straw. [Chuckles]
Awesome, yeah. Get in
there. My name is Bruce, man.
I like big, fake boobs, deep house
beats, and movies with explosions.
[Laughter] I like this guy! Right?
- What a find!
- Yes! Yes!
This guy's hilarious. [Laughter]
Well, he certainly found
new friends quickly.
He opens strong. Give it time.
I mean, I'm really
having fun with just you.
Oh, totally. This is a blast! [Chuckles]
- [Sighs] How's your dog?
- I don't have a dog.
Hey.
I saw what happened
before. This one's on me.
Oh, thank you, but I am heading off
before my night can get any worse.
Hey. No, no, no, no. You can't give up.
Ask your friend.
Oh, no.
Look, I gave up on my music, and your
friend said a lot of very mean stuff to me.
So I picked up my guitar, and it
changed my life forever... I think.
I mean, this only happened an hour ago.
And, I'm sorry, what does this
have to do with me leaving the bar?
It means you can't give up on your dreams
because they always come true
the second time you try them.
Not at all what I said.
Look, I have a break
coming up in five minutes.
So why don't you stay, have a drink?
And then I'm gonna rock your world.
Oh, my.
Uh, wo... wow!
You know what?
Okay.
Okay.
Drink up.
[Snaps fingers]
And that is why I'm from Ohio
but still love the Lakers.
[Laughs]
And the Lakers are...?
- Basketball.
- Yes!
Basketball. Michael Jordan.
Oh, yeah! I'm dying! I'm dying!
I'm dying! I'm dying! Oh!
God, he's killing it over there.
And so I said to the
guy, "I don't know, bro.
That's not my cucumber." [Laughter]
That is the funniest thing
I've ever heard in my life!
I know. I know.
It is. Okay, okay. I got to know. Yeah?
Do you do stand-up comedy, Bruce?
Nah, dude. I don't really do
jokes, you know what I mean?
My comedy is more, uh,
edgy and improvisational.
Ohh.
So, what are you doing
Saturday? Your mother?
[Laughter] He's doing your mom!
Because I'm getting married,
and I'd really like you to be there.
Oh, yeah?! Really?! Yeah!
Oh, Jeff! I'll be there! Oh!
Oh, dude! Awesome! Yeah.
- Well, what are we celebrating tonight?
- Oh, dude!
- It is Dave's birthday.
- What?! Dave?!
Yes, it is. It's my birthday.
What?! This is a birthday
party?! [Laughter]
Oh, wow! You guys don't look
like you're in 3rd grade!
[Laughs]
What do you mean, Bruce?
Yeah, can you explain your joke, Bruce?
You know, it's like, uh,
aren't we a little too old to
be celebrating our birthdays?
I mean, congrats on turning 27.
You went another year
without dying! [Laughs]
You know, what an amazing feat,
you didn't fall down a manhole this year!
[Laughs] Oh, you lived again? Cool.
Loser. [Laughs] Who cares?
I've been planning this
night for three months, dude.
Three months?
Yeah, Dave loves his birthdays, man. Hmm.
Yeah, maybe you should go, Bruce.
You're actually kind of obnoxious. Yeah.
- I miss funny Bruce.
- Me, too.
You know, yeah, I got to
go, anyw... what is it?
Whoa, I got to get out of here.
I'll probably just... [Coughs]
Yeah. [Clears throat]
See you guys at Jeff's wedding.
Yeah, I just found out we
don't have room anymore.
Oh, that's too bad, because I'm
still coming, with a plus-one.
- You're not invited.
- I'm still coming, Jeff!
- No!
- Yes!
- Jim!
- He doesn't even know where he's going.
Jim! Jim!
I'm sorry I hurt you.
I just got so wrapped up in my own
stuff that I forgot to think about you.
Well, it's too late.
Look, Jim. We both know
that I don't like you.
No, I-I-I didn't know that.
I've told you you're boring
like a thousand times.
- I thought you were kidding!
- No.
I told you she wasn't kidding.
The point is, I don't like you.
So, tonight, I tried to get Liv to
spread her wings and live a little
and maybe even think
twice about marrying you.
But kissing random dudes and giving
guys her panties isn't who Liv is.
You gave guys your panties?
- Technically they were Maya's panties.
- The bottom line is...
Liv is still the same cute, dorky,
awesome girl you fell in love with.
Don't throw away everything
the two of you have built
just because I made her
go crazy for one night.
That's stupid.
Look at her, Jim.
She loves you.
- I don't know why. Look at that outfit...
- Okay, thank you, Maya.
I guess... I got a little nervous
about getting married, too.
The day I proposed,
I put a radish in a bouillabaisse.
Whoa.
I know. It was insane.
Can we just go home and put on our
pajamas and watch "Mike & Molly"?
Tonight's the episode where
Molly eats too much pie.
Oh, I love that one.
Let's go home.
[Sighs]
I'll get us a cab.
You're an amazing friend.
Bye!
I was going to save this as a surprise,
but I got us tickets to
"La Bohéme" for next Friday.
Ooh, the opera. How exciting.
Oh, and they're using the original
arias, so this is the extended version.
That does sound longer.
Gummybear? You okay?
No, dude. Gummybear was not okay.
Like all couples who've
been dating for a while,
Jim and Liv eventually
fell into a comfortable rut.
So Liv decided to spruce it up.
Hey, honey?
- Hey, Liv, look... I'm juggling!
- I want to go to India.
- What does that mean?
- I just want more, Jim.
Is this an "Eat, Pray, Love" thing?
No!
Maybe.
[Sighs] Obviously yes.
But it's also a "me
thing". I'm restless, Jim.
What if we did something
a little more local?
My parents have that
time-share in Boca Raton.
Damn it, Jim! It has to be India!
I want to go and dance with wise old men!
I want to eat food that might kill me.
And I want to play with elephants.
And I want to meet Omar Sharif.
Let's do that.
- Oh, my God, seriously?!
- Yeah.
Oh, thank you, babe. Oh, my God!
[Chuckles] But they never went.
There was always a reason not to go.
First, Jim got a new job.
Then it was too close to the holidays.
Then Jim wanted to go to magic camp.
And with every passing year,
Liv only got more restless.
'Cause if you don't like
"La Bohéme," that's fine.
We can do anything.
I heard The Guggenheim has a new vase.
Stop the cab!
I want to go to India right now.
If we don't, I'm gonna explode.
But what about our jobs and the wedding?
Plus, I thought we were gonna
start trying to get pregnant.
If we're gonna have five
kids, then we gotta start soon.
It's common to get cold
feet before a wedding.
Sadly, it's also common to
marry the absolute wrong person.
The hard part is discerning which is which.
♪ My curious heart is ♪
♪ Seriously falling for you ♪
♪ My curious heart is ♪
♪ Seriously falling for you ♪
♪ For you ♪
So, where do you think
he's gonna rock your world?
Honestly, I don't even care at this point.
I would have sex with him in a landfill.
Dominic: Hey! Hey!
I want to dedicate this song
to a beautiful woman who's had a
tough night tonight. Oh, my God.
- No. No. No. No. No.
- To Jerrica!
Oh, thank God. Uh, uh, no!
I mean Jessica, right
there in the red dress!
Everybody look at her! [Light laughter]
[Crowd murmurs]
Is everybody looking?
Uh-huh. Turn around.
[Sighs]
I think this is what he meant when
he said he was gonna rock your...
Yep! Already got that.
Yeah.
[Soft music starts]
♪ Cheer up, girl ♪
♪ Please don't cry ♪
♪ Cheer up, girl ♪
♪ What? Did someone die? ♪
Oh.
Yeah. All right.
♪ Your smile is like a plane ticket ♪
♪ I really want to book it ♪
♪ Your smile is like ♪
♪ Richard Nixon, yeah ♪
♪ It's very, very crooked ♪
Did he say I was Richard Nixon?
I'm surprised he even
knows who Richard Nixon is.
♪ So, baby, smile those tears away ♪
This guy is very bad at singing.
God, this is the day that
music died. Am I right?
♪ Your eyes like a construction site ♪
♪ With dump trucks, diggers & cranes ♪
Dude, we suck at this. Bruce
would know exactly what to say!
I bet he's somewhere ripping
this guy apart. Where is he?
- ♪ A little bit insane ♪
- Can you believe this guy?
Yeah, he's so brave to put
himself out there like this.
- ♪ Baby, I want to hear you say ♪
- What?
♪ I'm gonna smile those tears away ♪
♪ Ooh, baby, smile ♪
♪ Cry those tears away ♪
♪ Yah, it gets better ♪
♪ Even if you're not gay ♪
♪ You're a cutie, you're a beauty ♪
♪ You've got crazy, Ghetto Booty ♪
♪ So, baby, smile those tears away ♪
♪ Baby, smile those tears away ♪
I'm so sorry we watched
"Downton Abbey" without you!
It's okay. I get it.
Sometimes I'm so funny, it
makes you guys feel inferior.
Yeah, that's not really our issue.
Do you want to watch "The Voice" with us?
A show about four spinning
chairs? My barber has that.
I would love to rip
that show with you guys.
- Yeah, he didn't learn anything.
- Not even a little.
I'm gonna talk through the whole thing
and make fun of CeeLo's
weird, scrunchy Buddha body.
[Chuckles] At least we'll be together.
Oh, you guys!
♪ Your smile is as delicious ♪
♪ As a bacon cheeseburger ♪
♪ Your smile can land a plane ♪
♪ Like Captain Sully Sullenberger ♪
Ah!
♪ Ooh, baby, smile ♪
♪ Let me see those teeth ♪
♪ If you could just stop crying ♪
♪ It would be a relief ♪
- Hey.
Hey! What are you doing here?
♪ You're a cutie, you're a beauty ♪
I... it's over with Jim.
I broke off our engagement.
Wow! Okay. Um... are you okay?
Yeah. ♪ you smile those tears away ♪
I probably should've
done that a long time ago.
Mnh. Come here.
♪ Don't hide your feelings ♪
♪ In your pocket ♪
- What is this song?
- I don't know.
- ♪ Don't lock 'em in a locket ♪
- [Chuckles]
I don't think anyone knows. [Both laugh]
♪ Smile those tears away ♪
♪ Baby, smile those tears away ♪
[All cheering]
Can I get a scotch?
- Can I get a...
- Hey, chief?!
- Hi! Eye contact.
- Hey, guy!
Yeah, they never see
me 'cause I'm too short.
Yeah, well, there never
see me, 'cause I have balls.
- [Chuckles] Hey, guy!
- Hi!
- Okay, what do you need?
- A scotch.
- I got this.
- Hi!
[Glass shatters] There's that.
Whoa!
Everything all right over there?
No, sir. It is not.
We need a scotch and
three vodka tonics, please.
All right. Coming right up.
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
It's Bruce, right?
- Yeah. It's Maya, right?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
[Bag rustling]
[Crunching] [Soft music playing]
Hm? Mnh, no.
Wait, who's that?
- The Dowager Countess.
- The Dowager Countess.
- Why does she talk funny?
- She's British.
Mm. [Chuckles]
World War I looks really easy, dude.
I think I could've beat
World War I on my own.
- Oh, do they show boobs in this?
- No, it's PBS.
- Are there any wizards on it?
- No.
Then why are we watching this show?
[Crunching continues]
Ugh, guys, come on. This show's boring!
Wait, why aren't they getting married?
Her father said she
couldn't because he's Irish.
I'm Irish.
That's very racist.
That's very racist.
But this is crazy, they love each...
They're in love.
What?
This show is stupidy, make it louder.