Mixology (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 11 - Bruce & Maya - full transcript
Cal: This is the story of 10 strangers,
one night, and all the stupid,
embarrassing, ridiculous things we do...
To find love.
Can I get a drink?
- Can I get a...
- Hey, chief?!
Hi!
- Okay, what do you need?
- A scotch.
- I got this.
- Hi!
[Glass shatters] There's that.
Whoa!
Everything all right over there?
No, sir. It is not.
We need a scotch and
three vodka tonics, please.
All right. Coming right up.
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
It's Bruce, right?
Yeah. It's Maya, right?
Yeah. Yeah.
All right, guys, we're coming
up on the end of the night,
and I'm worried you two idiots
haven't locked on your poontash.
Tommy, where are you at with your Latin?
Uh, well, we've had some nice talks.
I sent her a fun drink, and, uh,
I wave to her every 20 minutes,
and sometimes she waves back.
So I think I'm doing just fine.
[Chuckles] I think you're
not doing just fine, Tom.
Your girl just threw me
major vibe at the bar.
Big time, pal. You've locked down nothing.
Tommy, you've achieved nothing tonight.
You're essentially nothing.
Oh! I-I also sent her some fun
emojis, like, two hours ago.
Oh, why didn't you say so?
What were they of?
Uh, two pandas and a cheeseburger.
She's not locked down, Tom!
- What about you, Cal?
- Well, don't worry about me,
- because me and Kacey have a date
at 2:00 A.M. - Are you serious?
Waitresses are not locked
down till closing time, Cal.
What are you talking about?
For the next hour, Kacey will
be subjected to a steady barrage
of penises vying for her attention.
The sky will literally be
raining penises on here.
[Gasps] You're using "literally" wrong.
I don't think so. Yeah.
- What about you and your girl?
- Jessica?
- Mm-hmm.
- She's fully locked down.
- You malo, right?
- I'm malo.
She's a little unlocked. Mm-hmm.
Yeah, you have a really nice body.
Okay, she could be more locked down.
'Cause they taste like a woman. Oh!
Okay, is he feeding her nuts out
of his hand like she's a squirrel?
And I know that ending things
with Jim was the right thing.
But, still, I loved him.
It's gonna take a really long
time before my heart can ever...
Oh, my God, there's Ron.
- Oh, my God. How do I smell?
- You smell fine.
Hello.
Hi.
Yeah, I'm gonna go... Anywhere else.
You're sitting here without your fiancée.
So I assume either things
didn't go great with him,
or I'm about to be murdered.
[Chuckles]
Yeah, I ended my engagement.
And now I'm free to do whatever I want.
Yay.
Yeah, freedom can be a bit scary.
But it can also be fun.
What have you always wanted to do
but couldn't because you were engaged?
Um...
Oh! Oh, no, no, no. I'm
not gonna tell you that.
That's... you're gonna think it's lame.
No. I promise I won't.
Go on. You got to tell me.
I've always wanted to ride a bus.
Oh, I lied. That is horribly lame.
Um, is there anything less sad
that you've always wanted to do?
Uh, ooh! We could go to a strip club.
Ah, no, no, no.
Naked women slapping me in the face
with their cartoonishly large breasts?
It's not for me, thanks.
But if it will help you
with your emotional journey,
then, yeah, okay. Let's do it. Okay.
And behold. I have somewhere.
"Girls! Girls! Girls!"
- Ooh, sounds fancy.
- I'm sure it is. Shall we?
- Really?
- Yeah, really.
This is exciting.
I hope the strippers are nice. Hmm.
Oh, do we have to make a reservation? No.
So, none of us have locked up
our poonani for this evening.
That's okay.
That just means that we're good...
Oh, do I look...
Wait.
Oh, yes.
I'm gonna use Tom's
failure to my advantage.
What are you thinking?
I'm thinking of pulling a "Double Asian."
- You mean "Double Agent"?
- Tom, with your blessing,
I'm gonna go heavily flirt with Maya
just to get Jessica's attention
so that she then wants me again.
Nope. You don't have my blessing.
I don't need your blessing.
I don't know why I asked.
I'm above you on the friendship tree.
Gentlemen, sit back and
watch the "Double Asian."
[Slurps]
It has to be "Double Agent," right?
Yeah, of course it is.
"Double Asian" is not even an expression.
It's just two Asian people.
- I know how to get you one.
- Fab: [Gasps] Oh, my God!
It's Dr. Eli Gold.
Oh.
Oh. Ooh.
Hey. Come here.
Hey. You were just
talking to my gynecologist.
- Dr. Eli Gold? He's my gyno, too.
- Yes.
Wha... He comes in here all the time.
Jessica: Oh. He's beautiful.
I know.
Is it weird having a hot guy
tinkering around down there?
- No, it's awesome.
- Oh, I love it!
I mean, it makes everything
better... giggle more.
His voice is soft like a lullaby.
I see him once a month.
Oh, sometimes twice.
It's wonderful.
You guys actually, like, like you're gyno?
Okay, I have had the hugest crush on
him ever since my first pregnancy scare.
- There. I said it.
- Me, too.
It's just so too bad that he's
not allowed to date his patients.
It's truly tragic.
News flash... I think
that's just a recommendation.
I don't think that's real.
- What?!
- What?!
Yeah, I mean, it's just... Go
talk to him. See what happens.
Oh. Oh.
I mean, you saw him
first, so if you want to...
Okay, cool. Thanks.
She's fast.
Hey. How's it going?
Excuse me. Oh.
- How are you?
- Great. Thank you.
How's that scotch I bought you?
It's good. Thanks.
Good. Very good.
- Oh, okay. Who's the girl?
- What's that?
You actually think that flirting with me
is gonna make some chick jealous
enough to have sex with you?
[Chuckles]
I know. I don't believe
it, either, but it works.
Yeah, who you working?
You working the girl with
the major eye wound? No.
But patchy is a good backup plan, so
thank you very much for that. [Chuckles]
I'm actually going for the
blonde, curly haired girl.
Oh, Jessica? Mm-hmm.
Oh, but, honey, she's beautiful.
So we all know how that's gonna end up.
Yeah, you're right. Mm-hmm.
I should be talking to a much hotter
girl than you to get her jealous.
Oh, yeah. You... really?
You think some sort of sad reverse
psychology's gonna work on me? Okay.
Come on. Seriously.
Play along. It'll be fun. Mnh-Mnh.
Listen, there's no shame in
admitting that you can't pull it off.
Oh, yeah. That's what it is.
All right, uh, it was
good to see you again.
Oh, my God, Bruce! You are so bad!
What are you doing, crazy?
Are you gonna sit down,
or are you gonna stand there
and just look like a moron?
Okay, I like this.
[Chuckles]
Yes, I am bad! Yes! Yes! Mm.
Would you like to have
unprotected sex with me?! Oh!
No one should ever have
unprotected sex. It's so dangerous
Here we are... Girls! Girls! Girls!
[Gasps]
It's like a fairy tale.
[Women scream] Announcer:
And now, on the main stage...
Why are there so many women here? Whoa.
Captain Jake Longstaff.
Oh, no.
Oh, I love space!
Liv, I'm sorry. We've
made a massive mistake.
What are you talking
about? I love this place.
Take it all off, Captain Longstaff!
He did.
Dr. Gold, it's Fab Dawson. Hey.
Fab, hey. How's your vagina?
Uh... Just kidding.
Oh. [Laughs]
I say that to all my patients
to make it less awkward.
Can I sit?
- Please, sit down.
- Thank you.
Do you want something to drink?
Oh, no. I'm good, thanks.
Okay. Hey. Yeah?
- Great checkup last time.
- Oh, thank you.
Your ovaries... Of the charts.
Oh, I bet you say that to all the girls.
I don't. Some of my
patients are really sick.
You have great bangs, by the way.
Thank you.
Yeah, I'm sorry I never
noticed them before.
It's okay. Not usually
looking at your face.
Oh.
[Both laugh]
So, you come here often?
I... I do. I do, actually. All the time.
Yeah, well, you're office is nearby, so...
Yeah, I also... I kind of have a
thing for one of the waitresses here.
Oh? Yeah.
Well, that's adorable. Yeah.
It's not Kacey, is it?
It is. Do you know her? Isn't she amazing?
Mm.
Would you ask her about me?
What? You want me to poke around,
see how she's feeling inside?
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- Wait. Was that a joke?
- Yes.
- I'll see you on Tuesday?
- You will.
Cool.
[Chuckles] Behind me.
So when does a double agent end?
Relax. He's just pretending.
Like that? Huh? Huh? Huh? [Laughs]
Oh, so he's just pretend dry-humping her?
He's not actually dry-humping her?
Right. And now he's
pretend biting her hair.
Mm. Mmm.
♪
Liv: I'm really glad we came here.
I feel like my life is getting
started over on the right foot.
♪
It's probably gonna take a while, you know,
and it's okay to be sad or confused
or very, very drunk for a bit.
[Chuckles] Yeah, okay. Thanks.
[Women screaming]
♪
Shall I go get us some drinks?
Yeah, go get lots. Lots.
- Okay, don't touch anything.
- Okay.
♪
Dr. Eli Gold likes me?
Yeah. I don't get it, either.
Oh, no. But I sort of met someone tonight.
But he's no Dr. Eli Gold!
I mean, how could he choose you... wait.
You guys don't think it's
'cause of my business, do you?
Jessica: No. No, no. Unh-unh.
No, I'm sure it's not.
- Definitely.
- Fab: Well, what... What else could it be?
That's all he knows about me.
He didn't even know I had bangs.
Oh. Oh. Ooh. Yeah.
Well, I have to bring him his drink.
I'll just go over there and ask
him if your business is disgusting.
What? No.
Okay, fine. Go ask him. But be subtle.
[Women screaming]
♪
Excuse me.
Ooh, I love it.
Sexy businessman, right?
Hey, Delores, check it
out! Sexy businessman.
Whoo-hoo! Dance, businessman.
Dance. Ooh, wow. Oh!
Ron: Ladies, please.
God, it's like being
molested by "The View."
I'm not a sexy businessman.
I mean, I am, obviously,
but I don't work here.
Good God! Behave yourselves!
You are mothers! [Indistinct shouting]
♪
- Hey.
- Nothing.
Just, real quick. Are we
still on for closing time?
Yes, of course we are.
Okay, yeah. Why wouldn't we be?
[Chuckles] I don't
know why I'm asking that.
Hey, okay, listen... So my friend Tom,
he is, uh, really anxious
about this girl that he likes,
and I'd really like to order him a shot.
Oh, that's so sweet. Yeah.
What, um, kind of Tequila?
Um, I don't... you know, I don't
know. Something nice. You pick.
All right, I'll surprise you.
Thank you so much.
[Chuckles] Okay,
she's still not watching.
Come on. Sell it.
[Both laugh] What?
Oh, my gosh. You're so funny and hot.
[Chuckles] Don't oversell it.
She's not stupid, so...
Marry me, you big red idiot.
[Both laugh] Go on.
[Sighs]
She's on the hook.
- The Asian has landed.
- I don't think she's Asian.
[Both chuckle]
So, now lean in closer and
use more intimate tones,
if you don't mind, okay?
Okay. [Clears throat]
Um, then, honestly,
uh, if I don't get a
chance to thank you later,
I really appreciate you doing this.
Oh, no problem.
No, you're doing an amazing job.
I've literally never seen
a girl this into me before.
Oh, that's so sad.
What did you take? Summer stock?
Maybe an improv class or something?
Um, no. I'm just a girl. And all
girls know how to fake interest in men.
[Chuckles] Trust me. I've faked
interest in far worse than you.
You're actually not 100% terrible.
Oh, really? Mnh-Mnh. Yeah.
You're... really funny.
[Both laugh]
Man: Here's you drinks.
[Chuckles] Thank you.
Oh! Watch out. That's a party.
Oh, hello, Mexico.
Of course! Mmm! Mm.
If this keeps going, I
might have to, you know,
- say something to Bruce about it.
- Uh-oh, Tijuana time.
Probably wait till tomorrow, you know,
when I've had some time to reflect.
Come on, Bubba. You know... [sighs]
Maya's way too hot for him.
Those two could never happen.
[Both laugh]
Actually, I was wrong.
Bruce landed surprisingly
hot women all the time.
He landed his hot tutor in college.
Your Essay has tons of typos.
Really? Take your dress off.
What?
He landed his hot boss at work.
[Indistinct conversations]
Bruce: You want to have sex later?
You know I can fire you, right?
Yes. I'm well aware. But I don't care.
I don't even know what we do here.
[Elephant trumpets]
He even landed a hot woman at the zoo.
Bruce: Hey, there.
I'm Bruce, and I'm never
gonna stop talking to you.
[Both laugh]
As for Maya, she usually
dated incredibly attractive,
painfully dull professional athletes.
What's my favorite sandwich?
Easy. Hamburger.
Didn't ask you that question,
and that's not a sandwich.
In moments like these, Maya wondered
if she shouldn't be dating
a different kind of guy.
[Both laugh]
You're so funny.
- Maya: Oh, my gosh.
- You're right.
Bruce and Maya could never happen.
[Chuckles] Come here.
Ah. [Grunts]
Mmm. Mm-hmm. Mm. Ah.
Who eats limes like that? Who?
♪
[Women screaming]
Hey, girl. You want to dance?
Oh, yeah, sure.
This is my first time
at a strip club, though.
I'm kind of starting my life over again.
Oh, yeah? Mm-hmm.
Me, too. [Women scream]
I quit the law firm last
year, started working here.
Oh, my God! You're a lawyer?
I'm a lawyer!
I had to get off that hamster wheel.
You know, my fiancée, she wasn't too happy
about that, so I had to let her go, too.
[Gasps] I just broke
up with my fiancée, too.
Wow. We have a lot in common.
Yeah. We really do.
So, do you have any regrets?
Yeah, I mean, pretty
much lonely all the time.
It would have been nice
to have someone in my
life when my mom died.
Oh.
Can we please get out
of this horrible place?
Yes!
Hey, wait in line, buddy. Yeah. Excuse me.
Hey, where are you going?
Sorry your mom died!
Hey.
Hey. Thanks.
Look. Fab told me what you said.
And?
And...
I like you, Dr. Gold.
You have kind eyes and warm hands,
you always say exactly what you're gonna
do right before you do it, which is rare.
I just think I met someone amazing
tonight, and if it's all the same to you,
I would like to keep
our relationship focused
on my vagina and not on my heart.
Okay.
If that's what you want.
Oh! Before I forget.
Fab wants to know if her
business is disgusting.
[Zipper opens]
Bruce: I'm in too deep, Cal.
Cal: Bruce, you got to get a grip.
I know, dude, but I don't know
where the game ends and
I begin anymore, man.
I mean, I think I like this chick.
She's super-hot, she definitely likes me.
Bruce, that's Tommy's girl.
Yeah, but is it Tommy's girl? Like, really?
He got her number five, six hours ago.
How long do dibs last?
Longer than five hours.
Okay, look, pal. I'm doing Tommy a favor.
That broad is a sexual Terminator.
She's gonna rip him to pieces.
He'll have no idea what's coming at him.
He'll be hiding under the bed
like a dog in a thunder storm.
I agree, man, but you can't
do this to him right now.
Enough. The deal is done.
I've already told my Johnson.
Well, can't you un-tell your Johnson?
No. He won't return my calls.
I'm just gonna bang this chick, and
Tommy's gonna thank me afterwards.
Trust me. It'll bring us closer.
Don't be nervous. It's gonna be fine.
Oh, my God. What did he say?
Am I okay?
He said your business is...
Amazing! Oh!
He said, and I quote,
"top five of all time."
Wow. Good for you, honey.
Yeah, he said the whole office thinks so.
Honestly, he could not
stop raving about it.
[Chuckling] Oh, my God! Wait a second.
If he loves it so much,
why isn't he into me?
Oh, he said you're a terrible person.
Oh.
Just because some nude fake policeman
made some dreadful life choices
doesn't mean you did, as well.
[Sighs]
I threw away a really
good guy, and for what?
So I could go to Girls! Girls! Girls!?
[Groans]
I'm still infuriated
that they call it that.
Look, I get it. I'm
starting again, as well.
The future is very scary,
but it's also very exciting.
Amazing things can happen
when you least expect them.
Yeah, like what?
Come on, really? Like when I met you.
In an instant, the worst day of my
life became one of the better ones.
And then this little animated
bird started singing on my shoulder
and I danced through the streets
with the children of New York.
[Chuckles]
Look, Liv, I know we've
only just met tonight,
but whatever you need
to get through all this,
I really want to help with.
Even if that means, like, giving you space,
I will wait for you.
♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪
You could have really
cleaned up in that place.
Oh, actually, I did.
[Chuckles]
Look at this.
Oh! What?!
Some serious coin. And that.
I should have grabbed a job
application on the way out. [Laughs]
Hey. Hey.
Hey, look, I know this started
as, like, a game or whatever,
but somewhere along the way,
real life kicked in, and I want to know
if you're down to come back to my place.
Because I would really love to
show you my ninja-sword collectio...
Oh, my God!
Ow! Dude! What are you doing?
That really hurt... A lot!
You know I like her.
I'm sorry, Tom. Geez.
Just don't punch me again. God.
Ow.
I'm really sorry you had to see that.
Are... are you okay?
Yeah, no. I'm... I'm good.
Okay.
Hey, Rocky.
Why don't you stay and have a drink?
Yeah. Yeah, okay.
Hey, uh, scotch on the
rocks. Hold the rocks.
It's fine. That's good.
The punch was enough.
Ah, thank God. Ice water with
two lemons, please. Thanks.
So?
Mission accomplished.
Bruce had pulled the perfect double agent.
It all started with the setup.
Bruce: Wait.
Tom, with your blessing, I'm
gonna go heavily flirt with Maya
just to get Jessica's attention
so that she then wants me again.
Nope. You don't have my blessing.
Then he got Tom on the hook.
If this keeps going, I
might have to, you know,
say something to Bruce about it. Ahh!
Then Bruce turned up the heat.
He's in the bathroom. Let's go.
Okay.
I'm in too deep, Cal.
You've got to get a grip, Bruce.
Then the big finish.
Show you my ninja-sword collectio...
[Grunts] He played Tom perfectly.
Good for you, man. Taking
a punch to get Tommy laid?
He wasn't locking down his poontash,
so drastic action was required.
Okay, so when are you gonna
tell him it was all a setup?
In a bit. Let's let the boy
dream a little while longer.
Is it possible that you're
actually a good person?
Of course I'm a good person.
Everything I do, I do for you guys.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hey. What's up?
So, uh, got you some ice...
Oh... For your...
Is there anything else
you want to put on my face?
[Chuckles] So, I saw you with Maya,
and I got to say that for one tiny
second, you were 1% more attractive.
What did I start at?
Uh, 1%.
Really?
That means I'm up 100%.
God, it's embarrassing
how much you want me.
Should we just get a cab now?
It's not even last call, dude.
Last call! Last call for alcohol!
- You need a drink.
- Yes. Yes.
We just came back from a
male strip club called...
- Don't... Don't tell him that.
- Girls! Girls! Girls!
[Chuckling] Hey, I used to work there.
What? No.
From 2009 to 2010, I was a sexy plumber.
Then in 2012, I took the main stage...
Why would you stop?
______
Everytime I take the stage we were only...
And the clouths off...
For money...
It's incredibly demean.
OMG! Now I feel terrible!
[Laughing] I totally kidding!
I love being a stripper, it's
the best thing in the world.
I just got tired of [beep] old chicks.
Can I get you anything?
Maybe some...
one night, and all the stupid,
embarrassing, ridiculous things we do...
To find love.
Can I get a drink?
- Can I get a...
- Hey, chief?!
Hi!
- Okay, what do you need?
- A scotch.
- I got this.
- Hi!
[Glass shatters] There's that.
Whoa!
Everything all right over there?
No, sir. It is not.
We need a scotch and
three vodka tonics, please.
All right. Coming right up.
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
It's Bruce, right?
Yeah. It's Maya, right?
Yeah. Yeah.
All right, guys, we're coming
up on the end of the night,
and I'm worried you two idiots
haven't locked on your poontash.
Tommy, where are you at with your Latin?
Uh, well, we've had some nice talks.
I sent her a fun drink, and, uh,
I wave to her every 20 minutes,
and sometimes she waves back.
So I think I'm doing just fine.
[Chuckles] I think you're
not doing just fine, Tom.
Your girl just threw me
major vibe at the bar.
Big time, pal. You've locked down nothing.
Tommy, you've achieved nothing tonight.
You're essentially nothing.
Oh! I-I also sent her some fun
emojis, like, two hours ago.
Oh, why didn't you say so?
What were they of?
Uh, two pandas and a cheeseburger.
She's not locked down, Tom!
- What about you, Cal?
- Well, don't worry about me,
- because me and Kacey have a date
at 2:00 A.M. - Are you serious?
Waitresses are not locked
down till closing time, Cal.
What are you talking about?
For the next hour, Kacey will
be subjected to a steady barrage
of penises vying for her attention.
The sky will literally be
raining penises on here.
[Gasps] You're using "literally" wrong.
I don't think so. Yeah.
- What about you and your girl?
- Jessica?
- Mm-hmm.
- She's fully locked down.
- You malo, right?
- I'm malo.
She's a little unlocked. Mm-hmm.
Yeah, you have a really nice body.
Okay, she could be more locked down.
'Cause they taste like a woman. Oh!
Okay, is he feeding her nuts out
of his hand like she's a squirrel?
And I know that ending things
with Jim was the right thing.
But, still, I loved him.
It's gonna take a really long
time before my heart can ever...
Oh, my God, there's Ron.
- Oh, my God. How do I smell?
- You smell fine.
Hello.
Hi.
Yeah, I'm gonna go... Anywhere else.
You're sitting here without your fiancée.
So I assume either things
didn't go great with him,
or I'm about to be murdered.
[Chuckles]
Yeah, I ended my engagement.
And now I'm free to do whatever I want.
Yay.
Yeah, freedom can be a bit scary.
But it can also be fun.
What have you always wanted to do
but couldn't because you were engaged?
Um...
Oh! Oh, no, no, no. I'm
not gonna tell you that.
That's... you're gonna think it's lame.
No. I promise I won't.
Go on. You got to tell me.
I've always wanted to ride a bus.
Oh, I lied. That is horribly lame.
Um, is there anything less sad
that you've always wanted to do?
Uh, ooh! We could go to a strip club.
Ah, no, no, no.
Naked women slapping me in the face
with their cartoonishly large breasts?
It's not for me, thanks.
But if it will help you
with your emotional journey,
then, yeah, okay. Let's do it. Okay.
And behold. I have somewhere.
"Girls! Girls! Girls!"
- Ooh, sounds fancy.
- I'm sure it is. Shall we?
- Really?
- Yeah, really.
This is exciting.
I hope the strippers are nice. Hmm.
Oh, do we have to make a reservation? No.
So, none of us have locked up
our poonani for this evening.
That's okay.
That just means that we're good...
Oh, do I look...
Wait.
Oh, yes.
I'm gonna use Tom's
failure to my advantage.
What are you thinking?
I'm thinking of pulling a "Double Asian."
- You mean "Double Agent"?
- Tom, with your blessing,
I'm gonna go heavily flirt with Maya
just to get Jessica's attention
so that she then wants me again.
Nope. You don't have my blessing.
I don't need your blessing.
I don't know why I asked.
I'm above you on the friendship tree.
Gentlemen, sit back and
watch the "Double Asian."
[Slurps]
It has to be "Double Agent," right?
Yeah, of course it is.
"Double Asian" is not even an expression.
It's just two Asian people.
- I know how to get you one.
- Fab: [Gasps] Oh, my God!
It's Dr. Eli Gold.
Oh.
Oh. Ooh.
Hey. Come here.
Hey. You were just
talking to my gynecologist.
- Dr. Eli Gold? He's my gyno, too.
- Yes.
Wha... He comes in here all the time.
Jessica: Oh. He's beautiful.
I know.
Is it weird having a hot guy
tinkering around down there?
- No, it's awesome.
- Oh, I love it!
I mean, it makes everything
better... giggle more.
His voice is soft like a lullaby.
I see him once a month.
Oh, sometimes twice.
It's wonderful.
You guys actually, like, like you're gyno?
Okay, I have had the hugest crush on
him ever since my first pregnancy scare.
- There. I said it.
- Me, too.
It's just so too bad that he's
not allowed to date his patients.
It's truly tragic.
News flash... I think
that's just a recommendation.
I don't think that's real.
- What?!
- What?!
Yeah, I mean, it's just... Go
talk to him. See what happens.
Oh. Oh.
I mean, you saw him
first, so if you want to...
Okay, cool. Thanks.
She's fast.
Hey. How's it going?
Excuse me. Oh.
- How are you?
- Great. Thank you.
How's that scotch I bought you?
It's good. Thanks.
Good. Very good.
- Oh, okay. Who's the girl?
- What's that?
You actually think that flirting with me
is gonna make some chick jealous
enough to have sex with you?
[Chuckles]
I know. I don't believe
it, either, but it works.
Yeah, who you working?
You working the girl with
the major eye wound? No.
But patchy is a good backup plan, so
thank you very much for that. [Chuckles]
I'm actually going for the
blonde, curly haired girl.
Oh, Jessica? Mm-hmm.
Oh, but, honey, she's beautiful.
So we all know how that's gonna end up.
Yeah, you're right. Mm-hmm.
I should be talking to a much hotter
girl than you to get her jealous.
Oh, yeah. You... really?
You think some sort of sad reverse
psychology's gonna work on me? Okay.
Come on. Seriously.
Play along. It'll be fun. Mnh-Mnh.
Listen, there's no shame in
admitting that you can't pull it off.
Oh, yeah. That's what it is.
All right, uh, it was
good to see you again.
Oh, my God, Bruce! You are so bad!
What are you doing, crazy?
Are you gonna sit down,
or are you gonna stand there
and just look like a moron?
Okay, I like this.
[Chuckles]
Yes, I am bad! Yes! Yes! Mm.
Would you like to have
unprotected sex with me?! Oh!
No one should ever have
unprotected sex. It's so dangerous
Here we are... Girls! Girls! Girls!
[Gasps]
It's like a fairy tale.
[Women scream] Announcer:
And now, on the main stage...
Why are there so many women here? Whoa.
Captain Jake Longstaff.
Oh, no.
Oh, I love space!
Liv, I'm sorry. We've
made a massive mistake.
What are you talking
about? I love this place.
Take it all off, Captain Longstaff!
He did.
Dr. Gold, it's Fab Dawson. Hey.
Fab, hey. How's your vagina?
Uh... Just kidding.
Oh. [Laughs]
I say that to all my patients
to make it less awkward.
Can I sit?
- Please, sit down.
- Thank you.
Do you want something to drink?
Oh, no. I'm good, thanks.
Okay. Hey. Yeah?
- Great checkup last time.
- Oh, thank you.
Your ovaries... Of the charts.
Oh, I bet you say that to all the girls.
I don't. Some of my
patients are really sick.
You have great bangs, by the way.
Thank you.
Yeah, I'm sorry I never
noticed them before.
It's okay. Not usually
looking at your face.
Oh.
[Both laugh]
So, you come here often?
I... I do. I do, actually. All the time.
Yeah, well, you're office is nearby, so...
Yeah, I also... I kind of have a
thing for one of the waitresses here.
Oh? Yeah.
Well, that's adorable. Yeah.
It's not Kacey, is it?
It is. Do you know her? Isn't she amazing?
Mm.
Would you ask her about me?
What? You want me to poke around,
see how she's feeling inside?
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- Wait. Was that a joke?
- Yes.
- I'll see you on Tuesday?
- You will.
Cool.
[Chuckles] Behind me.
So when does a double agent end?
Relax. He's just pretending.
Like that? Huh? Huh? Huh? [Laughs]
Oh, so he's just pretend dry-humping her?
He's not actually dry-humping her?
Right. And now he's
pretend biting her hair.
Mm. Mmm.
♪
Liv: I'm really glad we came here.
I feel like my life is getting
started over on the right foot.
♪
It's probably gonna take a while, you know,
and it's okay to be sad or confused
or very, very drunk for a bit.
[Chuckles] Yeah, okay. Thanks.
[Women screaming]
♪
Shall I go get us some drinks?
Yeah, go get lots. Lots.
- Okay, don't touch anything.
- Okay.
♪
Dr. Eli Gold likes me?
Yeah. I don't get it, either.
Oh, no. But I sort of met someone tonight.
But he's no Dr. Eli Gold!
I mean, how could he choose you... wait.
You guys don't think it's
'cause of my business, do you?
Jessica: No. No, no. Unh-unh.
No, I'm sure it's not.
- Definitely.
- Fab: Well, what... What else could it be?
That's all he knows about me.
He didn't even know I had bangs.
Oh. Oh. Ooh. Yeah.
Well, I have to bring him his drink.
I'll just go over there and ask
him if your business is disgusting.
What? No.
Okay, fine. Go ask him. But be subtle.
[Women screaming]
♪
Excuse me.
Ooh, I love it.
Sexy businessman, right?
Hey, Delores, check it
out! Sexy businessman.
Whoo-hoo! Dance, businessman.
Dance. Ooh, wow. Oh!
Ron: Ladies, please.
God, it's like being
molested by "The View."
I'm not a sexy businessman.
I mean, I am, obviously,
but I don't work here.
Good God! Behave yourselves!
You are mothers! [Indistinct shouting]
♪
- Hey.
- Nothing.
Just, real quick. Are we
still on for closing time?
Yes, of course we are.
Okay, yeah. Why wouldn't we be?
[Chuckles] I don't
know why I'm asking that.
Hey, okay, listen... So my friend Tom,
he is, uh, really anxious
about this girl that he likes,
and I'd really like to order him a shot.
Oh, that's so sweet. Yeah.
What, um, kind of Tequila?
Um, I don't... you know, I don't
know. Something nice. You pick.
All right, I'll surprise you.
Thank you so much.
[Chuckles] Okay,
she's still not watching.
Come on. Sell it.
[Both laugh] What?
Oh, my gosh. You're so funny and hot.
[Chuckles] Don't oversell it.
She's not stupid, so...
Marry me, you big red idiot.
[Both laugh] Go on.
[Sighs]
She's on the hook.
- The Asian has landed.
- I don't think she's Asian.
[Both chuckle]
So, now lean in closer and
use more intimate tones,
if you don't mind, okay?
Okay. [Clears throat]
Um, then, honestly,
uh, if I don't get a
chance to thank you later,
I really appreciate you doing this.
Oh, no problem.
No, you're doing an amazing job.
I've literally never seen
a girl this into me before.
Oh, that's so sad.
What did you take? Summer stock?
Maybe an improv class or something?
Um, no. I'm just a girl. And all
girls know how to fake interest in men.
[Chuckles] Trust me. I've faked
interest in far worse than you.
You're actually not 100% terrible.
Oh, really? Mnh-Mnh. Yeah.
You're... really funny.
[Both laugh]
Man: Here's you drinks.
[Chuckles] Thank you.
Oh! Watch out. That's a party.
Oh, hello, Mexico.
Of course! Mmm! Mm.
If this keeps going, I
might have to, you know,
- say something to Bruce about it.
- Uh-oh, Tijuana time.
Probably wait till tomorrow, you know,
when I've had some time to reflect.
Come on, Bubba. You know... [sighs]
Maya's way too hot for him.
Those two could never happen.
[Both laugh]
Actually, I was wrong.
Bruce landed surprisingly
hot women all the time.
He landed his hot tutor in college.
Your Essay has tons of typos.
Really? Take your dress off.
What?
He landed his hot boss at work.
[Indistinct conversations]
Bruce: You want to have sex later?
You know I can fire you, right?
Yes. I'm well aware. But I don't care.
I don't even know what we do here.
[Elephant trumpets]
He even landed a hot woman at the zoo.
Bruce: Hey, there.
I'm Bruce, and I'm never
gonna stop talking to you.
[Both laugh]
As for Maya, she usually
dated incredibly attractive,
painfully dull professional athletes.
What's my favorite sandwich?
Easy. Hamburger.
Didn't ask you that question,
and that's not a sandwich.
In moments like these, Maya wondered
if she shouldn't be dating
a different kind of guy.
[Both laugh]
You're so funny.
- Maya: Oh, my gosh.
- You're right.
Bruce and Maya could never happen.
[Chuckles] Come here.
Ah. [Grunts]
Mmm. Mm-hmm. Mm. Ah.
Who eats limes like that? Who?
♪
[Women screaming]
Hey, girl. You want to dance?
Oh, yeah, sure.
This is my first time
at a strip club, though.
I'm kind of starting my life over again.
Oh, yeah? Mm-hmm.
Me, too. [Women scream]
I quit the law firm last
year, started working here.
Oh, my God! You're a lawyer?
I'm a lawyer!
I had to get off that hamster wheel.
You know, my fiancée, she wasn't too happy
about that, so I had to let her go, too.
[Gasps] I just broke
up with my fiancée, too.
Wow. We have a lot in common.
Yeah. We really do.
So, do you have any regrets?
Yeah, I mean, pretty
much lonely all the time.
It would have been nice
to have someone in my
life when my mom died.
Oh.
Can we please get out
of this horrible place?
Yes!
Hey, wait in line, buddy. Yeah. Excuse me.
Hey, where are you going?
Sorry your mom died!
Hey.
Hey. Thanks.
Look. Fab told me what you said.
And?
And...
I like you, Dr. Gold.
You have kind eyes and warm hands,
you always say exactly what you're gonna
do right before you do it, which is rare.
I just think I met someone amazing
tonight, and if it's all the same to you,
I would like to keep
our relationship focused
on my vagina and not on my heart.
Okay.
If that's what you want.
Oh! Before I forget.
Fab wants to know if her
business is disgusting.
[Zipper opens]
Bruce: I'm in too deep, Cal.
Cal: Bruce, you got to get a grip.
I know, dude, but I don't know
where the game ends and
I begin anymore, man.
I mean, I think I like this chick.
She's super-hot, she definitely likes me.
Bruce, that's Tommy's girl.
Yeah, but is it Tommy's girl? Like, really?
He got her number five, six hours ago.
How long do dibs last?
Longer than five hours.
Okay, look, pal. I'm doing Tommy a favor.
That broad is a sexual Terminator.
She's gonna rip him to pieces.
He'll have no idea what's coming at him.
He'll be hiding under the bed
like a dog in a thunder storm.
I agree, man, but you can't
do this to him right now.
Enough. The deal is done.
I've already told my Johnson.
Well, can't you un-tell your Johnson?
No. He won't return my calls.
I'm just gonna bang this chick, and
Tommy's gonna thank me afterwards.
Trust me. It'll bring us closer.
Don't be nervous. It's gonna be fine.
Oh, my God. What did he say?
Am I okay?
He said your business is...
Amazing! Oh!
He said, and I quote,
"top five of all time."
Wow. Good for you, honey.
Yeah, he said the whole office thinks so.
Honestly, he could not
stop raving about it.
[Chuckling] Oh, my God! Wait a second.
If he loves it so much,
why isn't he into me?
Oh, he said you're a terrible person.
Oh.
Just because some nude fake policeman
made some dreadful life choices
doesn't mean you did, as well.
[Sighs]
I threw away a really
good guy, and for what?
So I could go to Girls! Girls! Girls!?
[Groans]
I'm still infuriated
that they call it that.
Look, I get it. I'm
starting again, as well.
The future is very scary,
but it's also very exciting.
Amazing things can happen
when you least expect them.
Yeah, like what?
Come on, really? Like when I met you.
In an instant, the worst day of my
life became one of the better ones.
And then this little animated
bird started singing on my shoulder
and I danced through the streets
with the children of New York.
[Chuckles]
Look, Liv, I know we've
only just met tonight,
but whatever you need
to get through all this,
I really want to help with.
Even if that means, like, giving you space,
I will wait for you.
♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪
You could have really
cleaned up in that place.
Oh, actually, I did.
[Chuckles]
Look at this.
Oh! What?!
Some serious coin. And that.
I should have grabbed a job
application on the way out. [Laughs]
Hey. Hey.
Hey, look, I know this started
as, like, a game or whatever,
but somewhere along the way,
real life kicked in, and I want to know
if you're down to come back to my place.
Because I would really love to
show you my ninja-sword collectio...
Oh, my God!
Ow! Dude! What are you doing?
That really hurt... A lot!
You know I like her.
I'm sorry, Tom. Geez.
Just don't punch me again. God.
Ow.
I'm really sorry you had to see that.
Are... are you okay?
Yeah, no. I'm... I'm good.
Okay.
Hey, Rocky.
Why don't you stay and have a drink?
Yeah. Yeah, okay.
Hey, uh, scotch on the
rocks. Hold the rocks.
It's fine. That's good.
The punch was enough.
Ah, thank God. Ice water with
two lemons, please. Thanks.
So?
Mission accomplished.
Bruce had pulled the perfect double agent.
It all started with the setup.
Bruce: Wait.
Tom, with your blessing, I'm
gonna go heavily flirt with Maya
just to get Jessica's attention
so that she then wants me again.
Nope. You don't have my blessing.
Then he got Tom on the hook.
If this keeps going, I
might have to, you know,
say something to Bruce about it. Ahh!
Then Bruce turned up the heat.
He's in the bathroom. Let's go.
Okay.
I'm in too deep, Cal.
You've got to get a grip, Bruce.
Then the big finish.
Show you my ninja-sword collectio...
[Grunts] He played Tom perfectly.
Good for you, man. Taking
a punch to get Tommy laid?
He wasn't locking down his poontash,
so drastic action was required.
Okay, so when are you gonna
tell him it was all a setup?
In a bit. Let's let the boy
dream a little while longer.
Is it possible that you're
actually a good person?
Of course I'm a good person.
Everything I do, I do for you guys.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hey. What's up?
So, uh, got you some ice...
Oh... For your...
Is there anything else
you want to put on my face?
[Chuckles] So, I saw you with Maya,
and I got to say that for one tiny
second, you were 1% more attractive.
What did I start at?
Uh, 1%.
Really?
That means I'm up 100%.
God, it's embarrassing
how much you want me.
Should we just get a cab now?
It's not even last call, dude.
Last call! Last call for alcohol!
- You need a drink.
- Yes. Yes.
We just came back from a
male strip club called...
- Don't... Don't tell him that.
- Girls! Girls! Girls!
[Chuckling] Hey, I used to work there.
What? No.
From 2009 to 2010, I was a sexy plumber.
Then in 2012, I took the main stage...
Why would you stop?
______
Everytime I take the stage we were only...
And the clouths off...
For money...
It's incredibly demean.
OMG! Now I feel terrible!
[Laughing] I totally kidding!
I love being a stripper, it's
the best thing in the world.
I just got tired of [beep] old chicks.
Can I get you anything?
Maybe some...