Mixology (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 12 - Last Call - full transcript

This is the story of 10
strangers, one night, and all the stupid,

embarrassing, ridiculous things we do...

...To find love.

So, I saw you with Maya, and...

I got to say that for one tiny
second, you were 1% more attractive.

What did I start at?

Uh...1%.

Really?

That means I'm up 100%.

God, it's embarrassing
how much you want me.

Should we just get a
cab now?



It's not even last call, dude.

Last call! Last call for alcohol!

Why are you being so
nice to the ugly carrot?

Oh, come on. He's not so bad.

Oh, yeah. He's such a catch.

What is he doing?

A real catch.

Hey. Oh, I just had the best
talk with Maya about dolphins.

What are you doing back here?

I just set you up to close her, dude.

I flirted with her. I got
you to punch me in the face.

I served you her ass on a silver platter.

T-that was all fake?

Yes!



With all my karate training, do you
really think you could land a punch on me?

What?

Oh, my God. This changes everything.

I thought Maya was actually into me.

She is. Bruce just...
Accelerated things a bit.

- But it's all a lie.
- So what?

If that's the biggest lie you told
tonight to get laid, you're fine.

One time, I told a girl that
a snake bit my penis.

But unfortunately, that
backfired right in my face.

She threw hot water right on my ween,

which apparently is some
less-well-known remedy for snakebites.

The point is, Tommy, everyone
lies a little to get laid.

I can just feel the... the
confidence leaving my body.

My hands are sweating.
I can't see. I can't see.

- Now... hey, bubba.
- I can't...

Bubba, you're gonna be fine.

You do want to have sex with her, right?

Yes. Ohh, I want to have
sex with her very much.

Then take off your
dress and go make her yours!

Okay.

I'm gonna march over there and tell Maya,

"I want to have sex with you."

No! No, dude! That's suicide!

Listen, Tom...

- Closing is an art.
- Mm-hmm.

If you just ask a girl to go home
with you, 99 out of 100 will say no.

Yeah, and the one who says yes
just wants to burgle your home.

Okay. H-h-how do I close?

- Wow. Wow.
- Oh, my God.

That is a big question, dude.

- Pay close attention.
- Yeah.

Very close attention.

This is how you close.

So, can I get you
ladies anything before closing?

Um, yes. I would like something sweet.

- What do you recommend?
- Well, sex on the beach.

Get it? 'Cause he wants to
have sex with you on a beach.

No, no.
I just love the taste.

I used to make one for my mom every day

- when she came home from work.
- Weird.

Yeah. I used to make a
cocktail for my dad every night, too.

It's funny, right... Now every time

I make a cocktail for
somebody, I think about my mom.

So, basically, you're thinking
about your mom all the time.

Yeah. She's an amazing woman.

Oh.

Mm. That is so sweet.

Listen, you want to share
a cab home with me tonight?

Yes.

She lives in new Jersey.

Oh, well, I love new Jersey.

Yeah, I love the mountains.

Hmm.

The first rule of closing is
that all girls want to believe

that sex happens spontaneously,
in a romantic, magical way.

Yeah, not like it was planned for
hours by some weirdo in an army jacket.

So, first, you need to
separate your girl from the herd.

She is never gonna make bad
choices with all of her friends watching.

Yeah, then you got to give her some
non-sexual excuse to go home with you

- so she doesn't feel like a Ho.
- Like what?

- Ask her to watch "Zoolander."
- Invite her to watch "Zoolander."

Really? "Zoolander"?

Yeah. I don't know why, but
100% of women love that movie.

That's right, dude... You
get her back to the place,

you pop in "Zoolander,"
"This is so funny."

Zip, thud.

"Oh, my God."

Okay. I-I can do this, I think.

The "thud"... That was,
like, your penis coming out

and hitting a solid surface, or...?

Yeah. That's the sound it makes.

Okay.

I'm gonna go close sex with Maya.

- All right! Go get 'em, bubba!
- Oh, yeah, buddy!

"Close sex."

- Yeah, I'm gonna call him a cab.
- Yeah.

No. My favorite stripper was
the gladiator, Maximus Hungus.

Yeah. Is that really a
female fantasy, then...

Sleeping with a fighting slave?

Totally.

What is hotter than a
guy with a trident and a net?

Good, because my legs look
phenomenal in strappy sandals.

I bet.

Would you like to adjourn
back to my place to see it?

Uh...Your...

That's interesting.

I would... you have a house. And that...

Uh, Maya! Oh, my God! It's Maya!

Maya! Come! Sit with us!

The greatest thing just happened.

Ron just invited me to his place.

Isn't that wonderful?

Why would you tell her that?

- Hi, Maya.
- Hey.

Can I... can I sit with you guys?

Yeah! Sure!

Oh, y... Oh. A stool.

This is fun.

Do you guys like "Zoolander"?

What a bizarre thing to ask.

I love "Zoolander."

Hansel is so very special right now.

Right.

Yeah. I don't like comedies.

Really? Well, y-you're
gonna love this one.

Um, maybe we should go
back to my place and watch it.

- I would love to.
- What?

- What?
- What?

Yeah, mate, would you
mind getting us some drinks?

I'm not thirsty. Thanks, though.

Great. A Gin Rickey for
me, a White Wine, and a...

- Scotch.
- A scotch. Thanks so much.

You got it.

Actually, that's a lot to carry.

Um...M-maybe one of you could help me?

I gue...

I'm great at carrying things.

Are you kidding me?

I have amazing balance.

- Okay. Great.
- I'll show you.

So, that was weird, right?

I don't know.

I left my body when the tall one
started rambling on about "Zoolander."

I actually love "Zoolander."

Yeah. Me too.

Ben Stiller is an American treasure.

Okay. Here is as much
alcohol as I could fit on my tray.

Oh, thank you.

You are welcome.

So, see you at closing?

- Can't wait.
- Me neither.

Okay. Super-gross.

Okay, that's enough of that.

Hey! How deep is Jessica into me?

Like, do I even need to
wear a helmet tonight?

Oh. No. She's not into you at all.

In fact, I just heard she's
leaving with Dominic.

- What?
- Yeah. She's really into it.

She says she likes him way more
than you because you're strange.

Sorry, Bruce. Bye, Cal.

I'm sorry, man.

I guess you're just gonna have to
downgrade to one of your fallbacks.

You have been lining up fallbacks, right?

Dude, please tell me that you did not put
all your eggs in the Jessica basket.

I did! Oh. I did. I like her basket.

I want to wear her basket on my face!

Dude, it is almost closing time.

You need to find some
fallbacks immediately!

All right! Don't yell at me, dad!

Let's see what we got.

Okay, let's line them up.

- Um... We got dead tooth.
- Ugh.

- Girl who just saw "Avenue Q."
- Oh.

- Girl who doesn't know she's gay.
- How?

Uh...Girl who looks
like Daniel Day-Lewis.

Oh, I loved her in "My Left Foot."

- Burning man.
- Nah.

Okay. And girl with major eye wound.

You know, if she didn't have the bandages,
she could be kind of cute... Maybe.

I don't know, man.

I generally go for
girls with two working eyes.

Yeah, but, you know, everyone
gets a 3-point bump at last call, Cal.

Which brings burning man up to a 3.

Fact.

Oh, dude! Somebody just closed dead tooth.

The dregs are going fast, man.

You got to grab them while you still can.

Okay, okay, okay.

All right, I-I'm just gonna take, um...

I-I will take...Uh...

Oh...

I'll take major eye wound.

Okay.

You need me to hype you up?

No. Not really.

And that is the last time I
will ever play softball at night.

Amazing.

Hey, I'm thinking of going home

and cooking up some of
my famous fish tacos.

Are you hungry?

Yeah. I could eat.

I just need to run to the pharmacy

and grab some fresh
gauze for my eye wound.

Right.

Let's go.

Oh, wait. Hold on.

Just wait right here.

Right here? Where are you going?

Hey!

What the hell was that?

I think you're her fallback.

What? For that guy?

What is she, blind?

Yeah, she's kind
of... She's kind of blind.

Oh, God. I am so sorry.

I didn't realize you were
trying to take Maya home with you.

- That's fine.
- No, the truth is,

I was just kind of
trying to get out of there.

Oh, no. Do you not like that British guy?

Oh, no. No, no, no. No. Ron is amazing.

It's just, I've been
single for like 20 minutes, and...

I haven't gone home with anyone
in years, and that is super-scary.

Yeah, it took me like two years
to learn sex with my ex-fianc?e,

and now I have to learn a
whole nether person in one night?

I mean, there's no way.

Oh, my God. What if Ron
wants me to choke him?

What if Maya laughs at my penis?

Oh, my God. She would totally do that.

Also, what if I'm bad at sex?

You know, Maya's used to
sleeping with professional athletes,

and not just... Professional athletes...

Like...

Black professional athletes.

Oh.

How can I compete with that?

Tell me about it.

I've only had sex with
two guys in my entire life,

and they have both been from Connecticut.

Oh, my God. And people from
Connecticut are terrible at sex!

I know. It's the least-sexual state.

Oh, God. I'm doomed.

I'm doomed, too.

Well... At least I'll know

I'm not the only one
failing miserably at sex tonight.

Yeah. I'll be thinking of you.

I-I mean, I won't be...Hopefully.

I know. How did we miss this?

The perfect couple has been
right under our noses all night.

What makes a great couple?

First, they must be within two
units of hotness of each other.

She's a 6.

She is a 7.

She is an 8.

You're giving Maya's friend an 8?

She's a 12.

My scores are final, Tom.

Maya's friend is an 8, and you are a 6.

Your scores are ridiculous.

You just became a 5.

I protest your entire scoring system.

Now you're a 4!

Don't worry, Tom. You're still a 6.

- Shut up, 5 and a half.
- What are you?

Numbers can't define me.

I'm an eagle.

Second, a great couple needs
to share the same values.

Tom is a great guy who
always gives to those in need.

Liv is a sweetheart who
also helps those in need.

Holy crap. She's giving him like 80 bucks.

And finally, a great couple should
have similar interests.

No, it's true. I saw it on animal planet.

They have tiny
antlers and big, round eyes.

They're called Dik-Diks, and
they prance around Afr ica,

spreading joy to all the other animals.

It's like if Bambi was real.

Except not mom-just-got-murdered Bambi.

Like, early, fun Bambi.

Someone should domesticate these animals.

Because I would buy one and let
it run all around my apartment.

Actually, I would buy two...

So the first
one could have a friend.

Dik-Diks!

Um...

Well, I, uh...I guess I'll
go try and close with Maya now.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Of course.

Hey, do you want some help?

Really? Yes.

Okay. All right. Fun.

I'll be, like, your wingman.

Do you know how to do that?

Not even a little.

Okay. Well, cheers.

I'll give it a whirl.

Yeah, when I first met
Tom, I thought he was, like,

this little girl in a corduroy jacket.

But then I started to
see a real man underneath.

But now he's acting weird with Liv,

so going home alone is
looking really good right now.

Yeah, same here.

Like, when I first met Liv, we
had this amazing chemistry.

Yeah. Now it's almost like she's
scared of me or something.

No. She likes you.
She talks about you nonstop...

Usually in a deeply
offensive British accent.

- Mm-hmm.
- Well, thank you.

And, truth be told, Tom
seems like a wonderful guy.

Yeah.

Drink-copter to base.

Drink-copter to base.
Prepare to be drunk.

Over.

That's so great.

We were
practicing the whole way back.

- Sorry it got too loud.
- That was so funny.

Yeah. I would love to come
home and watch a movie.

What are you feeling?

I don't know... "Gangs of New York,"

"There Will Be Blood," "Lincoln."

Like, three of my favorite movies.

Let's get out of here.

Um...Hold on.

Hey. You want to get out of here?

Oh, what the...

Hey, man, if it's any consolation,

I never liked Daniel Day-Lewis.

Yeah, well, I'm running out of time,
and I'm running out of girls, Cal.

There's still burning man.

Ew!

She is dirty. And not like sexy dirty.

Like I can see the dirt on her face.

I guess I'll just have to wash her first.

I said "yes,
grandma. I will dance for my bonnet."

You paint such a vivid
portrait of your grandmother.

I wish I could have met
her before she killed herself.

Isn't Tom hilarious?

Yep. He's a regular Margaret
Cho.

Oh, my God. Thank you.

What?

You know, it's a... it's a
really beautiful night out.

Is anybody interested in going for a walk?

Yes! Maya loves walking.

Maya, walk with him.

Sorry. I live in Brooklyn.

Actually, my favorite night
walk is across the Brooklyn bridge.

I-I really love reading all the...

- Love locks.
- Love locks?

Yes. Aren't they amazing?

Please tell me... What are love locks?

Couples bolt padlocks onto
the bridge with their names on it,

and then they throw the key into the
river to signify their everlasting bond.

It's really beautiful.

It's also really littering.

Sounds like a big waste of locks.

My
parents...Put a love lock

on the Brooklyn bridge in 1974,

and they go back every
year on their anniversary,

and it's the most romantic thing ever.

Oh.

But you guys should totally go.

You go.

It's okay.

Great. Well, as much as I'd love
to keep talking about locks,

I think I'm gonna close
out and get out of here.

Yep, and I seem to have
catastrophically misread

everything that's happened here
tonight, so I'm gonna do the same.

Cheers.

W-wait. Did I just ruin everything?

N-no.

- Yes, I did.
- Yes, you did.

And then I'm going to
bonnaroo with my bike-polo team.

Then I'm off to art basel
with my urban-farming collective.

I have no idea what
any of those things are.

Do you want to get out of here?

Sure, man.

Just let me go grab my backpack.

Oh, no, no. Look, look.

Please don't put me on the back burner

while you try and go close
some other dude that you like more.

I am tired of being everyone's fallback.

Oh, you're... You're not my fallback.

- Really?
- No.

You're my
second-to-last fallback.

Cokehead Banker is my fallback.

It's like a 200%
profit on a 7-figure deal,

so instead of taking a
bath, we all got stinkin' rich.

Ohhhh.

Thank you, burning man.

You're welcome, homeless veteran.

Seriously, man...

Don't let anyone make
you feel like a fallback.

Sometimes I pull total 10s out of here.

Hmm.

There's no rhyme or
reason to the dating game.

You are so wise.

Yeah.

I do a lot of drugs.

- Oh.
- All right. Wish me luck.

I'm gonna go try to close fat cowboy.

Good luck.

Thanks, dude.

Fat cowboy.

Mm-hmm.

Interesting.

Hey.

I heard you were going home with Dominic,
which is obviously a terrible idea,

and I want to let you know my
confidence couldn't be any higher

and that I will never, ever stop
trying to make love to you,

so you might as well just
get it over with now,

and maybe I'll leave you alone.

That's really sweet.

Yeah.

Thank you.

I am so sorry I
ruined things for you and Maya.

Please. I've been ruining it with
Maya ever since I met her.

The truth is, I'll never
be the man she wants me to be.

Yeah, and I will never be the sex kitten,

the hot-to-trot lady that
Ron wants me to be.

I mean, who am I... Twiggy?

Well, then... Forget them both.

Yeah.

Yeah, if Maya can't see

how sweet and funny and
cute you are, it's her loss.

Yeah.

And you're beautiful and
quirky and different.

And if Ron isn't willing to
wait for that, then screw him.

Don't change, Tom.

I know. They're perfect, right?

Except they're not.

For one, Tom can be too nice.

So can Liv.

Tom can be a wuss.

Come on, Tommy! Get in
the water! Jump in! Come on!

Stop screaming at me!

You're not up here! You
have no idea how high this is!

Liv can be very indecisive.

Do you have, like, samples?

You're killing me, lady!

What Tom and Liv really need is
someone who will push them to change...

Do not come near, Bruce! No!

No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!

...And
help them overcome their flaws.

Yeah, Tommy!

Ron did that for Liv.

Look, maybe tonight should
be the night that you just...

Let yourself go.

- Really?
- Yeah. Trust me.

You've got to go crazy once in a
while or you'll just instantly become

a bitter, old, British alcoholic man.

Ugh.

Like Margaret Thatcher.

Okay.

Okay. I will.

And Maya did that for Tom.

She left you because you're
a sniveling little bitch.

Ouch.

Bottom line... Liv and
Tom would never push each other.

That was so...

Comfortable?

Was it maybe too comfortable?

Yeah, yeah. I kind of felt
like I was kissing myself.

Yeah. I really don't want to kiss myself.

No. I'm so not into me.

No. I want to be with
someone way different.

Go get Ron.

Go get Maya.

- But if it goes bad...
- Yeah, fallback. Totally. Yeah.

Okay.

Excuse me.

Ron?

Maya! Maya!

Ron! Ron!

Yeah. That's more like it.

Hey, I know we just met tonight,

but I really want to take this
thing to the next level.

I love the next level. The
next level is my best friend.

Let's get there as soon as possible.

Maya! Maya!

Look...

I don't want to watch
"Zoolander" with you.

And I definitely don't want to go
to the Brooklyn bridge with you,

because it is extremely
dangerous at night.

I just want to go home with you.

Do you want to go home with me, too?

Wow.

Um...I don't...

Think any guy has ever just
asked me that before.

Well, I'm not just any guy.

I'm a man who wants to
make sweet-ass love to you.

Okay.

What do you say? Are
you in or are you out?

Well, I guess I'm...

Dude, I'm sorry you
didn't find any fallbacks.

- Maybe just...
- Hey, boys.

Did you see "Avenue Q" tonight?

Cut crap red beard!

It's almost closing time, we're
all looking for the same thing here.

I sincerely doubt that.

I wanna a threesome with 2
caracters from "Avenue Q".

- Definitely not what I'm looking for.
- Keep going.

You'd make a good Trekkie monster...

- Is he the wealthy mayor of Avenue Q?
- No. He's a weirdo who's obsessed with Internet porn.

Can you please leave?

Honestly, you both kinda
look like puppets.

Thank you, please go!

Get it.

What the costumes likes like? Miss?