Mixology (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 13 - Closing Time - full transcript

This is the story of 10 strangers,
one night, and all the stupid,

embarrassing, ridiculous things we do...

To find love.

The bill, whenever you're ready?

And I'll meet you out front?

Great. I just need to overcharge
my really drunk tables.

- Here you go, ladies.
- Thank you.

I'll see you real soon?

Okay.

All right.

Maya. Maya.



Look, I just want to go home with you.

Do you want to go home with me, too?

Wow.

Um... I don't...

Think any guy has ever
just asked me that before.

Well, I'm not just any guy.

I'm a man who wants to
make sweet-ass love to you.

Okay.

What do you say? Are you in or are you out?

Well, I guess I'm...

In.

Really?!

Yeah.

- You promise?
- Oh, my God.



Oh, God, this is a happy day!

- Happy day! Happy day! Oh, God!
- Okay!

Okay. I'm go... I'm gonna go pay my bill...

- All right...
- Then I'm gonna come back.

- Okay.
- Please don't leave.

- I won't. I'll just...
- It would hurt my feelings so bad.

I'll just be here.

Go... whatever you were gonna do.

- I'll be right back.
- Okay.

Hey, I know we just met tonight,

but I really want to take
this to the next level.

I love the next level. The
next level is my best friend.

Let's get there as soon as possible.

Okay.

But I want to do something different...

Something no one's ever done.

Wow. All right.

Something dangerous, even.

Okay. I guess that could be fun.

Something with elephants.

Right. That is appalling.

No, I want to go to India.

Oh. Thank God.

I want to do something
big and romantic and crazy,

and I want to do it with you.

Wait. You want to go to India right now?

Yes!

People don't just do this.

Ron does. India!

There goes the crowd.

India! Oh! India!

India! Going wild!

Oh, my lord. India! India!

You are so charming and so small.

I can't say no to you. Okay.

- Let's do it.
- Yay!

Let's go to India!

Yeah. Oh, Yay!

You know my grandfather
used to own India, right?

You're kidding.

Ohhh!

This is gonna be so expensive.

I did it! I did it! Maya is
actually coming home with me!

I feel like Oprah just gave me a car!

-Congrats, dude.
- Now the hard part starts.

- Yep.
- What?

- Mm-hmm.
- That wasn't the hard part?

No. You got to get the ice
cream home before it melts.

Yeah, just because a girl
says yes to you in the bar

does not mean she's gonna say
yes to you when you get home.

There are a million things that can happen
on the way home to turn a yes into a no.

- She gets tired.
- She gets sober.

You get a mean cab driver.

Take the most direct route home, Tommy.

Do not let her talk to anybody.

And don't let her see anything sad.

I once had a hookup ruined by a
lost baby shoe on the sidewalk.

You're in a race against time right now.

Do you understand that?

With every passing second, Maya's realizing

she does not want to have sex
with that lava lamp of a body

and she'd rather just go home
alone and watch "Nurse Jackie."

I can't compete with Edie Falco. Can you?

No. No.

That's what I'm talking about, dude.

Okay. Okay.

Um, how much time do
I have to get her home?

- Eight minutes.
- Eight minutes?!

Yeah. Why are you even
standing here talking to us?!

I don't know! Well, then get out of here!

Okay. Move. Move. Watch
it, lady. Eye of the tiger.

Excuse me! Out of my way!
Get... move it, purple!

Hey. Ladies.

I just wanted to say that it
was so nice to meet both of you.

Yeah! Same here, sweetie.

Oh, and, hey, good luck with your fella.

Thank you.

He is gonna make such a good father.

I mean, from what I know about him.

I don't really, uh, know
that much about him... at all.

Well, you ran his plates, though, right?

I didn't. I didn't run his plates.

Should I have done that?

Are you insane?

Technically, yeah, actually.

- I was, um, diagnosed, but...
- What's his name?

Oh. Okay.

- Um, his name's Cal Harris.
- Okay.

He's from Greentree, Ohio.

Got him. Hmm. Oh.

He's a trainer at the Eastside Gym.

Oh, and he was a pirate for Halloween.

I was a Wench.

Oh, that's cute!

- Ohh.
- What?

Wait. What, what, what? What is it?

- He was married.
- Shut up.

Yep. To a girl named Rachel.

- He was married?
- I'm sure it's no big thing.

Well, it's totally a big
thing, and he's a freak.

What else don't you know about him? Hmm?

Do you have a gun?

I don't have a gun.

Y... I don't have a gun!

You don't need to have a gun.

Cheers. Okay.

Hey. Ready to go?

Hey. Yeah, no, I just have to
say goodbye to Liv real quick.

Oh. Just saw her. She said not
to say goodbye to her, so...

Oh, really? Why? Why would she say that?

I don't know. She's really weird.

Settle down, tiger. There's no rush.

I'm not rushing. Taxi!

I totally played my
cards wrong tonight, Cal.

I put all my eggs in Jessica's
basket, and once again, I find myself

on that slow bus to Masturbation Town.

Oh, God. I hate that town.

- Mm-hmm.
- Such a lonely town.

Oh, my God. Is that the
girl who loves redheads?

Pumpkin pounder.

It's a miracle.

I'm gonna smash her.

Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.

Looking for someone?

You know I am.

You want to get out of here?

Oh, yeah.

Look at how white your teeth
are. I want to lick them.

Bruce? I need to talk to you.

Uh, no. Cal said he'd
take care of the bill.

And thank you for a wonderful evening.

Oh, but it's about Cal's wife.

Right.

You go get us a cab, okay?

- Okay.
- Don't look at anyone.

Oh, it's more orange than I remembered.

You have 90 seconds, lady.

Why did Cal get divorced?

Because Rose was a lunatic.

Wait. Who's Rose?

Are you saying Cal's been married twice?

No. No, no, no. No. Eve was his only wife.

Eve?! Who the hell's Eve?!

It was not his third wife.
I can tell you that much.

Oh, my God! Cal's been married three times?

Nope. You're not hearing me right.

You better tell me the truth,
or I'm gonna tell the bouncer

that you touched my boobs,
and he will break you arms!

Relax. Okay, listen.

Cal was married one time
to a beautiful Latin girl,

and her name was Rose
Eve... Rachel Garcia Garcia.

"Rose Eve Rachel Garcia Garcia"?

Are you kidding me?

Yeah, I can't believe they
doubled up the last name.

- That's so ridiculous.
- Vernon!

- No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
- Has anyone seen Vernon?!

Please. Shh! Please. Shh. Please.

- The truth?
- Okay, yeah.

Maybe Cal's been married a
few more times than most guys,

but... in a generation
of guys that never commit,

isn't it refreshing to finally
meet a guy who commits all the time?

No!

Okay, look.

Cal is one of my best friends.

I promise he won't hurt you, okay?

He's one of the good ones.

Now, I got to go obliterate this
chick before she comes to her senses.

So just bang Cal, okay? Bang Cal.

That's a... T-that look is a yes?

Can't tell. That's a yes. Bang Cal. Please.

So, I figured once we land in Mumbai,

we could just find a cool
little place to stay, nothi...

Nonsense. I will sort everything out.

Oh. Okay. Great.

Hello, Geoffrey. Sorry to wake you, mate.

Um, I need two last-minute Visas
and two first-class tickets to Mumbai

leaving JFK as soon as possible.

Uh, do you want window seat or aisle?

Oh, Jim always took the window
seat, so I took the aisle seat.

Right, but... Where would you like to sit?

Oh, anything's fine. You pick.

Did I overhear that you're going to India?

Yes. Are you from there?

No. I'm from Sweden.

- Really?
- No. I'm from India, obviously.

What an amazing coincidence!

Let me guess... You read "eat pray love,"

and now you want to go
to India to find yourself.

Yes!

Why does whitey love that book?

Uh, did he just call us "whitey"?

- Nice work, lady.
- Thanks.

- Mmm.
- Ready?

Oh, yeah.

That's nice.

Get us a taxi.

Taxi!

Can you give me a second?

Just one second.

Make it quick.

Hey.

Hey.

You see that girl over there?

Yeah.

- She's beautiful.
- Yeah.

And for reasons which medical science
will probably never be able to explain,

her fantasy is to have sex with me.

Nice.

Yeah. Nice.

Thanks, buddy.

But you know what?

I can't help but think that the best
part of my night was just talking to you.

So I'm gonna send her home.

If you want to have waffles
and some great conversation...

I'll be waiting for you at
the diner on Sixth, okay?

Okay.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Hey, nice guy, huh?

- I'm sorry.
- Fine.

I'm sorry.

You are.

Oh, God. Here we are,
right here on the right.

Oh, my God. This is exciting.

- All right. Come on.
- Uh, it'll be $18.50, please.

Okay. There you go. Thanks.

Oh, whoa! Hey, buddy, you need a receipt?

No, no, no! Just go!

Oh, my God. Is that a lost Teddy Bear?

Oh, my God. No.

Nope.

Well, here's my building.

Oh, nothing sad ever happens here.

Oh.

It's right around the corner.

Laura?

Hey, Tom.

I'm getting us a suite at
The Four Seasons Mumbai.

Would you like a city view or a river view?

Oh. I thought we would
just kind of rough it.

You know, stay in a youth
hostel or sleep in the jungle.

Ah, yes. Maybe you could rent
an Indian boy to ride around on.

Do people do that?

Oh, my God!

- Wh...
- So, city view or river view?

Uh, I don't know.

Jim always would take the city view.

Right, but, again, what
sort of view would you like?

I don't know, Ron! Just pick one!

Hey. I'm sorry.

I was just trying to help.

Have I done something wrong?

No. I'm sorry.

It's just... our cab driver's
kind of killing my India buzz.

Don't go to India. Go to Las Vegas.

They have a candy museum.

So, what are you doing here?

I thought I was over you,

but seeing you at the bar
tonight brought it all back.

I want to change for you, Tom.

I want to be the amazing
woman that you deserve.

Should I go, maybe?

Who's your little friend?

Mm.

Oh, this is Maya.

Friend from Book Group?

Oh, no. We met tonight at the bar.

Wait. You got her to come home with you?

Yeah. I was pretty shocked, too.

I think we all were.

No, seriously. Is she, like,
a prostitute or something?

Oh, no, but I get that a lot.

Look, don't give up on us, Tom.

Don't throw away the last
eight years of our lives.

Don't throw away "Dunstan
Street" and "Mike's Ice Cream"

and... "Tickle Party".

I love "Tickle Party".

I don't... Even want to know.

Oh, boy.

I had such a nice time with you tonight.

But Laura and I have been
through so much together,

and if there's any chance in
saving it, I-I've got to try.

Yeah.

Um...

Yeah, okay.

I'll never forget you, Maya!

We'll always have that random bar
we m... we met in to... tonight.

Tonight was a total disaster.

Tell me about it.

The guy I like... Cal...
He's been married three times.

- Yeah.
- I don't know what I'm gonna do.

At least you found someone.

I'm the hottest girl in the bar,
and yet here I am, all alone.

You're not all alone.

There's one last Hawaiian.

3:00 A.M. whatever. I'd hit that.

Oh, you're serious.

I never say no to the unknown.

Plus, I like his hat.

Take me home, "Hawaii Five-0".

Aloha.

Can I jump on your back?

- Hey, Liv.
- Hey.

I just wanted to tell you that
Ron and I are going to India.

Hilarious.

No, we're, like, going to India tonight.

What? Okay, when's your flight?

Uh, I-I forget. Ron took care of it.

Where are you guys staying?

Someplace nice. Ron...
took care of that, too.

Okay, but this is your trip, right?

Yes! Yes.

Ron is just taking care of
the flight and the hotel.

And the elephant tour.

Sounds like you're letting
Ron call all of the shots

because you're too nice
to say what you want.

I-I don't want to talk about this anymore.

Uh, how is Tom?

Not great.

He's back with his ex.

What? I'm sorry, babe.

It's fine. I'm fine.

You don't sound fine.

You sound like someone just
touched your butt on the subway.

Liv, he was with her for eight years.

I met him tonight. What
do you want me to do?

You know what's funny about you?

You are so badass, and everyone
at work is so scared of you,

but when it comes to maybe
getting hurt emotionally,

you are such a chicken.

I'm a what?

Okay. That's very funny.

All right! Thank you. I got to go.

Why? Is it feeding time?

Thanks, Geoffrey.

Cheers, mate. Bye.

Okay. Everything is arranged.

I got you a window
seat. I hope that's okay.

I don't... I don't know if that's okay.

I'm 28 years old, and I don't...

I don't know if I'm a window
or an aisle. How sad is that?

As things go... Not that sad.

My whole life, I've been
saying, "anything's fine,"

and now I don't know what I like

or what I want or who I am.

Well, then...

Let's dedicate this trip
to figuring that out.

I would love to say yes to that.

But I think...

I think I need to do this on my own.

Liv, I think we've had a late night...

Please don't try to talk me out of this.

Because you totally could.

I'm so sorry, Ron.

I never could have done
any of this without you.

Liv, come on. Let's talk about it.

Don't leave now.

Liv, come on.

Liv.

You look hot when you run.

Oh, thanks.

I'm sorry I took so long.

Oh, no. Is everything okay?

I was freaking out a little bit

because Bruce might have mentioned

that you've been married three times.

I am gonna kill that big,
red idiot. I'm gonna kill him.

No, no, no. I'm okay with it.

Oh.

No. I'm not really.

Kacey, look, I have made a lot of mistakes,

and I am happy to tell
you about all of them.

I mean, it may take a
few days, but I'll do it.

And when I'm done,

even if I really, really
want to, I promise...

- I won't marry you, okay?
- Okay.

We'll take it slow.

Mmm.

Slow's good. We'll take it slow.

Yes.

- Where do you live?
- I don't know.

Do you know how many diners
are in this neighborhood?

No. Sit down.

Yeah, well, um, I realized

that talking to you was the
best part of my night, too.

That must have been very
frustrating to realize.

You have no idea.

You still want those waffles?

I'm starving.

Hey, Hairnet!

Two orders of waffles... On the double!

Chop-chop, you old bag of bones.

No, it was a crazy night.

I, uh, I punched two people tonight.

What?!

Maya?

Nope. Now it's my turn to talk.

- Yes, ma'am.
- This chick sucks.

I beg your pardon?

Trust me... I know "Mean Girls",

and this chick hasn't changed at all.

She's just lonely, and she
misses being taken care of.

And she thinks that you're so much of a sap

that you're actually gonna
be willing to take her back.

So, are you?

Are you still a sniveling little bitch?

Or are you ready to be a man?

Look, Tom.

I like you.

You know, you make me feel things

that I haven't felt in
a really long time...

Maybe... ever.

And that...

Is really scary for me.

But... I think...

We have a good thing here, and
I wanted to see where it goes.

Tom!

Thomas Svensen! Hey! Moron!

I am not gonna ask you again.

Oh... oh, my God. Are you waving at me?

Se... seriously? Oh, no.

No, no, no.

Can we please have sex now?

I have never seen someone
get so many waffles.

Yeah, well, I have six
in my pocket right now.

Well, that was nice.

- Yeah, it really was.
- Yeah.

Maybe we could be friends.

Yeah. I...I don't think
I've ever had a friend

who was a girl before.

I know. It's weird. But...

I-I-I think it could actually work.

- That could work.
- Yeah.

I mean, I'm still gonna try
to bang you every chance I get.

Oh, right. Obviously. I mean,
I'd be insulted if you didn't.

- Right.
- Come here.

Oh, my God. Is that your...

Please don't let go.

You're bad.

All right, get out of here! Go home.

You can't stare at my butt anymore.

Hey, I stare at all my friends' butts!

Yeah, I know, and it's weird!

I'm a little weird. Get used to it.

Whoo!

What's up, man? Up top.

A lot can happen in one night.

Sometimes you meet someone great.

Sometimes you get your heart broken.

Sometimes nothing changes at all.

But sometimes...

Just sometimes...

Everything does.

- Pono?!
- Piko! Off the bed.

There's a pig in the bed.
There's a pig in the bed.

You know what? I got to go.

You want some breakfast?

I got Spam, Mahimahi, got some orange soda.

Uh, you know, I'm good.

You... you want to watch "Lilo and Stitch"?

Oh... it's okay.

But... definitely call me, okay?

Last night was intense.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Ohh.

Oh.

Mahalo nui loa.

Mahalo alleluia.