Misfits (2009–2013): Season 5, Episode 1 - Episode #5.1 - full transcript

You and Alex, you're together?

Yeah, Finn.

- Who's she?
- I thought I was his girlfriend.

Jess,L"

Jess.

JESS: It's Alex.
They're giving him a lung transplant.

- Shit.
- RUDY: I tell you now.

You don't wanna be getting
a transplant round here.

(# DIGITALISM: Pogo)

# Yeah, whoo-hoo
There's something in the air

# There's something in the air



# There's something in the air... #

Hi. How are you? OK?
Good. You're Alex, right?

I'm not being funny,
but you have to have sex with me.

I've only just got out of surgery.

- You need to leave.
- We're just talking.

- Get him out of here.
- Please! You have to fuck me!

- Call security!
- Think about it! Think about it!

(it THE RAPTURE'. Echoes)

# The city breathing, the people churning

# The conversating

# The price is what?

# The conversating, this place is heaven

# And if you see them

# They say what? #



(WIND WHISTLES)

OK. Bye.

Alex is out of surgery. He's gonna be OK.

Ah! Get in, mate! Well done.

I tell you now, I never doubted it for
a second. The handsome barman lives.

Come on.
Dude, you need to pay up right now.

That's 20 of your English pounds.
Fucking pygmy. Let's have it, come on.

You... you put money on him dying?

Yeah!

No! No. What kind of person
d'you think I am?

You said it'd be funny if they chopped
his cock off during the operation.

- There's something very wrong with you.
- RUDY: Oh, Finn.

Honestly.

Well, I'm glad he didn't die. I am.
But I will say this.

He may have a new lung,
but you can't replace his cheating heart.

Twat.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Scouts, dude! They're Sc... You're Scouts.

These were the happiest and the proudest
days of my life. Look at 'em!

You were in the Scouts?

That should never have been allowed.

I swore... I swore a solemn oath to,
you know, to obey the Scout Law,

to do me best, to do my duty to God
and Her lovely majestic Majesty the Queen.

Huh. Lived by a code.
I were like a samurai warrior.

Yeah, that's... that's you all over.

And then... and then they cast me out.

Why were you cast out?

I don't wanna talk about it.

I will say this.

A Scout is meant to walk an impossible
line between his love of scouting

and his raging hormones in the first
flushes of a sexual adventure.

They're girls!

You're a girl! Shit!

That's an unnatural abomination.
This is not how Baden-Powell intended it!

Take that uniform off!
You look like a dick!

(WHISPERS) Shit.

Is he still staring? He's really staring.

He's gone.

Look at 'em. Scouts... Scouts
is a time for boys to be boys.

You know, the... the first time
I masturbated. Scouts.

The first time I ever saw
another boy's penis. Scouts.

First time I touched
another boy's penis. Scouts.

First time another boy touched my penis.

- Scouts?
- It was in Scouts!

It was in Scou...
Happy, sunlit days is what they were.

Oh, my God. Look at this tramp.

- Hi.
- Hi. (CLEARS THROAT) Hi.

What the fuck was that?

Shame on you, Finlay!

You've got a visitor.

Handsome barman! Here he is.
How you diddling, mate?

Eh? I've brought you some grapes and that.

I haven't brought you any grapes.

How's Jess?

She's dead.

She's not really dead.
I was just trying to make you feel better.

(CLEARS THROAT) So...

...she didn't wanna come and see me?

Yeah, she did.
She wanted to come, but sh...

- She hates my guts, doesn't she?
- She doesn't hate your guts, man.

Well, maybe. I dunno. She...
Do you... do you know what, man?

Who could ever possibly understand
the inner workings?

They've got little fickle minds, mate.
Me dad, he used to say to me, you know,

he used to say, " Rudy,
women are very much like tractors."

Which I have never understood.

I think it's something, really,
to do with potatoes. That's what it is.

Shit.

They're just not like men, seriously.

Hi.

- What's this badge for?
- Fire safety.

I know who to call
if there's a fire, then.

You should call the Fire Service,

activate the fire alarm and leave
by the nearest emergency exit.

Right, yeah. Good... good to know.
You know, always... be prepared.

What about this one?

Global conservation.

First aid. Road safety.

This one here's for fucking.

Really? They... they give badges for that?

No.

Yeah, I know.

Because of health and safety...

- (CHUCKLES)
...and AIDS.

Have you ever fucked a Scout before?

(WHISPERS) Have I?

That would be a... a no.

No, I haven't.

I... I fingered a Girl Guide, though.

(# Teenage Kicks)

(HE GRUNTS)

D'you mind if I tie you up?

You are full of surprises. Go for it.

I hate to sound like me dad,
but are you over 16?

- I'm 18.
- Ah.

What type of knot are you using?

A double constrictor knot,
almost impossible to get out of.

Ooh, good choice.

# Another girl in the neighbourhood... #

OK. Now lie down.

Right there.

#...l wanna hold her
Wanna hold her tight

# Get teenage kicks
right through the night... #

He's ready.

(GASPS)

Oh!

Oh, shit.

- Hi.
- FINN: on!

Shit. D'you wanna tell me
what the fuck is going on?

You are to become one of us.

A Scout? Can't I just fill in
a membership form?

You are to become an agent of Satan.

And if I say no?

Oh, shit. Shit.

Then I'll cut out your heart
and burn it in hellfire.

- (CHICKEN CLUCKS)
- Is that a chicken?

Oh, you... you've got the wrong guy.

I'd make a terrible agent of Satan.

I... I...
I'm-I'm lazy, and-and disorganized,

and ask anyone who knows me,
I'm... I'm shit.

Ecce Satanas meo...

sicut ego et ipse regnabit Dominus

super terrarn

meam tenebris...

- (SPLAT)
- Jesus! Fuck!

You killed a chicken!

Lucifer habitabunt in te!

(GRUNTS)

- (CRUNCH)
- Aah! Aah!

(GASPS)

Aah.

- (MUSIC PLAYS)
- You should see his scar.

Dude looks like action man.
What an handsome barman!

- You've seen him?
- Of course I've bloody seen him.

We're best mates. Some people say...

(SOFTLY)... we look like brothers.

- You're best mates?
- Mm-hm.

Really? Errn... what's his surname?

Kagi... Kagillima.

- Kagillima?
- It's... it's...

it's Wong... Smith.

- Wong-Smith?
- I know. It's ridiculous, innit?

So, you know how the handsome barman
saved your life?

Does that cancel him out
shagging that girl?

Cos it feels about the same to me.

Why are you so interested? I...

Because if you stop seeing him,
he'll just... he'll leave, won't he?

He'll wander from town to town
like The Littlest Hobo.

And, Jess, I dunno whether my fragile
heart could ever take any more of...

(GASPS)

You're not gonna believe
what just happened to me.

Were you bent over double again,
sucking yourself off,

bit of pollen's gone up your nose,
you've sneezed,

you've bit the tip off your penis?

No.

Oh, come on.

SCOUTS: #... Gonna throw it back to you

- # By now you should've somehow... #
- RUDY: #... Should've somehow

# Realised what you gotta do

# I don't believe that anybody
feels the way I do

# About you now... #

- Yeah.
- They don't look like agents of Satan.

Of course they don't look like
agents of Satan.

(SCOUTS we)

Agents of Satan never look like
agents of Satan, do they?

Mm.

You don't believe me, do you?

You think it's all just a desperately sad
and lonely cry for attention.

Yeah, well, I told them
you were capable of anything, mate, so...

Oh, well, when you come in tied up,
covered in chicken blood...

What's that? Chicken blood?

Hm?

#... And all the roads
that led us there... #

It was Finlay.

- What?
- It was Finlay.

Oh. (TUTS)

Have you been running an illegal
slaughterhouse in my community centre?

No.

If I find out you've been supplying
local restaurants and kebab houses

with dodgy meat...

You won't, cos I haven't.

Then we don't have a problem, do we?

- No.
- (WHISPERS) No.

#... You're my wonderwall... #

(SCOFFS)

Pussy.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Hi. It's me.

How d'you know where I live?

So, I guess I kind of followed you home
from the hospital.

Don't freak out.

Look, I don't know what your problem is.
I don't care. So, can you just piss off?

Oh, fuck! Oh!

Fuck!

The door slamming like that. It wasn't
an accident. Well, it was, but it was me.

I've got this power.

I cause accidents. It's a nightmare.
Neil said he could make it stop.

Who's Neil?

You've got his lung.
They transplanted it into you.

He had this power. He could fuck
other people's powers out of them.

- He was gonna fuck my power out of me.
- Is that what he told you?

(SCOFFS) He was after a shag.

I've spoken to people he helped.
He took their power.

- His power's been transplanted into you.
- Is this a wind-up?

Did Jess put you up to this?

It's a test, innit?
If I shag you then I fail.

Well, ha!

Good try. Because it's not gonna happen.

Ser... seriously.

Take a hint.

The catch on the dishwasher door broke.

I tripped over it,
fell on a potato peeler.

The handle of a mug of tea snapped off
as I was drinking it.

Jesus.

There was a loose paving slab
at the top of a flight of steps.

I don't even remember
what all these are.

That's just a birthmark.

I've got money. I'll pay you.

I don't...

I don't want your money.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

You cheated on me,
and I can't forgive you for that.

Maybe I should be able to get over it,
because I really fucking like you,

but I can't.

We were together, and you shagged her,

and I really fucking hate you for that,

but then you go and get yourself
stabbed for me and you save my life.

Why did you shag her?
Why would you do that?

Because now I have to end it with you,
and that is really fucking hard.

Say something, then, you dick.

I promise...

it is not what you think.

- Oh, my God.
- No.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
No. It's not like that.

You unbelievable fucking twat!
You just made it so much easier!

It's a power thing, Jess!

- Please can we fuck now?
- You're not helping!

(TOILET FLUSHES)

(DOOR CLICKS)

Well.

Look who it is.

Yeah, well, look who it is...
right back at you.

Have you seen this?
I'm gonna have a scar.

You were trying to convert me
into an agent of Satan.

You don't have to worry about that
any more.

I'm gonna rip out your heart
and shove it up your arse.

Rudy!

Guys, a little help!

Seriously?

Whuhh!

Who's laughing now?

Hoc cecidit angelus devorabit vos!

Rudy!

Resident in tua anima, mea tenebris
emergere reget hoc mundo!

Fuck off! Fuck off!

Lucifier reget hoc mundo,
ego reget huius mundi pro aeterno!

(PANTS)

ABBY: You've killed the Scout leader.

- See, I told you he was trying to ki...
- RUDY: Aah.

What's wrong with you?

She dared me to swallow
me full Cornetto in one go, man.

It's given me the worst brain...
I thought I were gonna die for a minute.

- Heh-heh-heh-heh!
- We got you one.

- RUDY: Ooh.
- Thanks.

Hey, monkey boy, you've done good there.
From wangster...

...to... to gangster. That's a G.
- Yeah.

We should probably bury him.

- I'll get the shovels.
- Aah.

Loop it over once.

Twice.

Left over right. Through the rabbit hole.

Bastard!

I just thought...

For God's sake.

What?

Fucking what? What are you staring at?

What, you never seen a grown man
in his childhood Scout uniform before?

- You need to get out more, pal.
- Just take that.

What's this? What am I looking at?

It's a support group.
It's for people with powers.

And I think we should...
I think we should go.

- Do you?
- Well, yeah, it's a...

it's a good opportunity to... for us

- to talk about our situation...
- Bastard!

...in a... in a non-judgmental,
confidential environment.

What situation?
There is no situation, dude.

There's absolutely nothing to see here!

I just think... I think we need to talk
about our future, together.

And... and I just... I thought you might
wanna be with me while we do it.

For crying out...! Look at Finlay there!

Look at him,
frigging confident and flirtatious.

Dibs on that bloody fragrant blonde
he's talking to.

Why are you telling us?

It's not who you tell.

It's the act of saying it out loud
that makes it legally binding.

I don't make the bloody rules, love,
but I will abide by them.

- Shit.
- Mm? Here he is!

Handsome barman. Ali G in the house.
See what I did there?

Dude, see what... Cos your name's...

cos your name's Alex.
I just put a G on it.

- It's not what you think.
- Seriously. I'm not interested.

- Yeah, but I didn't even shag her.
- RUDY: Oh, no way. He's done it again!

Mongrel. Look at you.

(RUDY SNORTS)

Can we please do this somewhere else?

Do what somewhere else?

She found him shagging another girl.
That's twice now.

Why am I not surprised?

Seriously. Don't.

Oh, am... am I supposed to be scared?

(SCOFFS)

- Finn!
- Are you scared now?

Fuck off, you little prick!

Finlay! What are you doing with
the handsome barman? Put him down!

Stop it! Stop it!

He will always shit on you, cos
that's who he is. He can't help himself.

You need to wake up
and smell the arsehole.

EMMA: Hey!

Hey! I thought of a good reason
why you should fuck me!

(PANTS)

There's definitely
something going on with Finn.

Oh, yeah,
I think he's going through puberty.

You know, it's a ve... It's a very
confusing time for any young man.

I thought you said
you were gonna talk to him.

- And I did.
- What did he say?

Well, I had to wait
for the right moment, you know.

I sat him down,
just put my arm around him.

We just sat there for a moment,
bit of quiet contemplation, one man,

another substantially smaller man.

(LAUGHS)

And?

He went, "I'm fine. I'm good."

So, we're actually no closer

to knowing why Finn
was behaving like a total psycho?

Oh, for God's sake, Jess.

When a man wants to talk to you, you're
gonna see his lips moving like this.

And when he doesn't, he's in...
in his special quiet place...

...a shed of the mind.

(LOW CHATTER)

Hello. Welcome to the group.
Take a seat.

Why don't you tell us who you are
and a little bit about your power?

Errn...

I'm Rudy.

Well, Ru... Rudy 2.

And I was created by the storm.

I suppose you could say...

...I'm the living embodiment
of a split personality disorder.

Hi, Rudy 2.

OTHERS: Hi, Rudy 2.

Hiya. Huh!

(MONITOR BEEPS)

Hi.

Look, I... I don't even know
if I've got this bloke's power.

There's only one way to find out.
Slip it up there.

Do we have to have full sex?

I don't know if coming on my tits
is really gonna cut it.

I just don't wanna hurt you.

I'm so stuffed full of painkillers,
I won't feel a thing.

This is a chance
to use your cock for good.

Uh.

(THEY GRUNT)

What's the story with you and that girl?

I messed up. I cheated on her.

You still like her?

Yeah.

So, why did you cheat on her?

- Can we talk about something else?
- Whatever you like.

- I fucking hate guys like you.
- Oh, d'you want me to stop?

Cos there's plenty of girls I can fuck

that don't look like
a big bag of shit and blood.

Sorry.

- I shouldn't have said anything.
- No, I... I can't do this.

Please. I'm sorry.

How do we know when it's worked?

I dunno.

Oh, Jesus.

- (GRUNTS)
- Are you coming?

No it's, er... Mm, it's something else.
What the fuck is that?

(PANTS)

Ooh.

- (SHE PANTS)
- Oh. Oh.

Thank you.

- (KNIFE SCRAPES)
- (CHICKENS CLUCKS)

Well, Barbara...

(CHUCKLES AND SNORTS)

Rudy?

All right, Finn?
Is this a dream? You look taller.

I've got something for you.

Oh! Is it a present?

- You'll see.
- A present for me birthday!

It's a surprise.

Is it Scalextric?
I bloody love Scalextric!

Take me to it! Take me... take me to it.

Hey!

Oh.

Oh.

Dude, I like what you've done here,
the chicken and the candles and stuff.

And I don't even know what this is. Yeah.

I can see you've gone to
a lot of trouble, dude, but I just...

Shit, man, I kind of had my heart set
on Scalextrics a little bit.

Ecce Satanas meo...

- Hey.
...sicut ego et ipse regnabit

meam tenebris...

What, are we speaking French, eh?
Je m'appelle Rudy!

Dude, j'habite la Community Centre.

Finn!

What the fuck?

Finn?

Finn's the devil.

Or... or at least an agent of Satan,
or whatever they call themselves.

That's why he's been acting so weird.

When he killed that, um...
Scout leader guy, I-l don't...

I don't know, I think something...
I think something happened to him.

(SCOFFS) Finn?

No. He's too short to be the devil.

- (DRIPPING)
- You're bleeding?

Mm.

I've got my period.

What are you hiding behind your back?

Nothing.

It's a dead chicken.

You're one of them.

D'you wanna know something? You're next.

(PANTS)

Hiya, Jess.

I know what you are.

I'm just a cheeky little Scouser.

Eh? Eh?

Eh? Calm down, calm down!

You're the devil.

The devil.

What's she like?

She's hilarious.

So funny. You're funny.

She's... she's one of you!
You've converted her!

No.

It's all in that pretty little head
of yours.

- On, fuck it.
- (CHICKENS CLUCK)

Shitting hell.

Chickens are fed, dude. So...

I meant... monkeys.

Shit.

Shit! Fuck!

That's bad.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Ah-ah! I haven't had sex with anyone.
I've just been in the shower.

Believe it or not, the world
does not revolve around your cock!

Bit harsh.

So, what are you gonna do?

I dunno. I can't go back to
the Community Centre. I can't go home.

They'll be looking for me.

Well, um... you know, you can... you
can stay here tonight if... if you want.

My friends have been turned into agents
of Satan, and you're coming on to me?

You are unbelievable!

I can't do anything right by you, can I?

Oh! That's hot coffee!

It's warm coffee.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Jessica.

- (WHISPERS) It's Rudy.
- (WHISPERS) He's one of them.

RUDY: It's... it's Rudy 2.
- (WHISPERS) He's one of them.

Are you in there? Rudy 1 's
turned into an agent of Satan.

I just... I dunno what to do.
I thought you might be in there

with the handsome barman.

Jess?

You all right?

So, Finn's got this book on satanic rites,

and it says the only way
to drive Satan out of anybody

is to douse them in holy water,
and you've gotta...

you've gotta read
this little passage here.

That's great,
only I'm fresh out of holy water.

Well, I went to the church
on the way here, so...

- Sprite?
- No.

It's holy water. I filled it up
from the font, guys, on the way here.

(TUTS)

Finn and Rudy said they were
going to the bar later on tonight, so...

I suppose you want me to help you.

Yeah.

Oh.

(DUBSTEP PLAYS)

I'm thinking about
getting a raven as a pet.

What?

I feel stupid asking,
is it that raven to replace me?

Bros before hos... and ravens.

You're flippin' cool, Finn,
d'you know that?

You're not going in there on your own.

If I go on my own,
Finn'll let me get close to him.

She's right.

- (GUN CLICKS)
- D'you know how to use this?

Bullets come out this end?

(# HARRY NILSSON: Jump mm The Fire)

# You can climb a mountain

# You can swim the sea

# You can jump into the fire

# But you'll never be free

# You can shake me up

# Or I can break you down

# Oh-ohh-oh

# Oh-ohhh-oh

# We can make each other happy

# We can make each other happy... #

Hiya, Jess.

Can I talk to you alone?

Yeah, course. Step into me office.

It's not really an office.
It's... it's the bar.

Drink?

JESS: Uh!

Get back. Stay back!

(GUN CLICKS)

Let the Holy Cross be my light.
Let not the dragon be my guide.

Step back, impure spirit.
What you offer me is evil.

I exorcise you in the name
of our Lord Jesus Christ.

I free you from the snares of the devil.

Get thee back, Satan! Get thee back,
Satan! Get thee back, Satan!

(LAUGHS)

(HE CHUCKLES)

That's brilliant, innit?

Get thee back, Satan!
Get thee back, Satan!

Ha-ha-ha. Hm.

Holy water?

It's Sprite.

This isn't you.

This is me.

I'm just improved. Version 2.0.

Version 2.0 is a dick.
I like the original.

Didn't wanna fuck me, though, did you?

Don't.

You'll come round.

First I'm gonna cut off Alex
from the bar's cock and feed it to him.

- Don't come any closer.
- Or what?

You're gonna shoot me in me cute
and monkey-ish little face?

(GUN CLICKS)

Go on, then.

Do it.

Shoot me.

(CLICK)

(CLICKS)

I'm really sorry.

- About what?
- (BULLETS CLINK)

I'm one of them.

Ow! What was that?

Oh! You bugger!

Yaah!

Ooh!

Uh. Oh.

Oh!

(GROANS)

(SQUAWKS)

- How fucking cool's that?
- It is very cool.

- (RAVEN SQUAWKS)
- I'm gonna call him Nigel.

(# FRANKIE GOES TO HOLLYWOOD:
Relax)

- #... When you wanna come... #
- (GLASS SMASHES)

- Big mistake, my friend.
- #...Relax

# Don't do it
When you wanna go... #

Isn't it a bit weird
that we're agents of Satan,

but we're still on community service?

We'll burn the probation worker
at the stake after lunch.

There's something I wanna show you first.

What is it?

(# VELVET UNDERGROUND:
Pale Blue Eyes)

# Sometimes I feel so happy... #

Let me see.

#...Sometimes I feel so sad... #

You did all this for me?

#...Sometimes I feel so happy... #

Just because I'm Satan's chief agent on
Earth, doesn't mean I can't be romantic.

#...Baby, you just make me mad... #

I love you.

I always have.

And now I'm going to fuck you
and make you a bride of Satan.

Look forward to it.

#...Linger on... #

(SHE GASPS)

Mm! Mm, mm!

I'm doing this for you.

(SQUELCH)

(GASPS)

(GRUNTS)

It was the lung transplant. I've got
the power to fuck powers out of people.

Oh...

Look, I know you can't forgive me
for shagging that girl.

And I'm not asking you to.

And I could say that it'll never
happen again, but it would.

There's always gonna be some other girl.

I hate myself for what I did to you
and I'm sorry. Uh!

(HE GASPS)

But now I've got the chance to...
to use my cock for good.

And I wanna save you.
I'm doing this for you.

I'm sorry.

Is that what I think it is?

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)

Sorry.

(FOOTSTEPS DEPART)

- You fucked me?
- D'you think I enjoyed it?

Probably.

I was shagging the devil out of you.
And it was the only way.

And I was doing it for her.

(GASPS)

Hiya, Jess.

(# VELVET UNDERGROUND:
Pale Blue Eyes)

Mm.

#...Linger on

# Your pale blue eyes... #

Oh...

Ooh.

This is for you.

Bum... Hang on.

Oh, how kind. What... what is it?

I knit the future.

Ah.

Thanks.

So... these people here
in these orange jump suits, is that us?

I think so.

Are we gonna become proper superheroes?

Ah!

Did you get community service
for fucking him up the arse

or breaking into the Community Centre?

Breaking and entering.

Breaking and entering his sphincter. Boom!

We all know what happened!

I think we're all mature enough to brush
it under the carpet, as far as it'll go.

Not just under the carpet,
under the underlay... under the carpet.

Where things go when there's no need
to speak about them

or think about them ever again.

So, how comes
he didn't take your telekinesis?

- I guess it's last in, first out.
- Of his sphincter! Boom!

I thought we weren't gonna talk about it!

- RUDY: Sorry.
- JESS: Sorry.

- Eugh!
- What?

I just... Shit, man. I dunno.
I keep thinking about you and him.

- It's horrid.
- Oh, for...

What happened to brushing it
under the underlay... under the carpet?

I live in the flat below, Finn,
and I've drilled an hole in the ceiling.

I can see everything, mate, every...

Horrible.
Like a frigging giant shagging a dwarf.

Boom.

Oh, shit! It's me dad!

Dude, your mum and dad
are proper going for it.

RUDY: That's not my mum!

Please, don't.

I will find you and I will hurt you.

Mum has a right to know

- what's going on here.
- I won't do it!

So, this, you know, stuff going on
with our parents, and...

...he won't let me in,
he won't listen to me.

Why don't you just leave him
the fuck alone, yeah?

I'm gonna shank you.

He's burning her clothes.
Why's he burning her clothes?