Misfits (2009–2013): Season 4, Episode 8 - Episode #4.8 - full transcript
Rudy is perturbed that the nuns try to prevent him from seeing Nadine and,along with Abbey and Finn - who have just had sex - rescue her from the convent. However Alex's new-found masculinity has made him sexually selfish and Finn argues with him since he has cheated on Jess. Being confronted by anger which stresses her out unfortunately unleashes Nadine's special power - the ability to summon the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,which she does despite herself. The misfits are attacked by the horsemen and,although Finn uses his special power to save Abbey,Nadine sacrifices herself to make them disappear for good,leaving Rudy heart-broken. Alex is also stabbed and rushed to hospital.
Hello.
- Who the fuck are you?
- Abby.
- What's she doing here?
- She's on community service.
I don't know who I am!
When the storm happened, I lost my memory.
Forgot everything.
So is that it, then?
You and Alex, you... you're together?
- Boyfriend and girlfriend.
- Yeah, Finn.
Alex? The sexy barman?
He's got no dick.
This is the greatest day of me life!
What's her name?
She calls herself James.
Get your dick out right now!
That's mine!
Um... Oh, my G...
I came to see you.
I'm not the caretaker.
It's not for me to judge you.
- I've got to go.
- Oh, no, no, don't.
Please don't go.
- How did it go?
- It was amazing, and then she's...
well, she's ran away!
She left her bag.
Ahhh...
Shit, I'm in love with a fucking nun.
There's a young man here to see you.
He says he has your bag.
You can send him in.
Be careful, Nadine.
(UNDER BREATH) Shit.
- Sound Of Music.
- What about it?
It had a nun in it.
And it was a great film, weren't it?
(HE CLEARS THROAT)
Happy... Happy Feet. Happy F...
Penguins! Ha-ha!
It had penguins in it.
I'm getting... I'm an idiot.
Nadine will see you now.
Penguins.
Are they birds or are they fish?
Does it really matter anyway?
We're all God's creatures.
So...
All right.
Brrr!
(HE QUACKS)
Happy Feet, innit?
It's not funny.
It's just an 'abit. Habit! Cos you...
No?
Ohh.
(EXHALES)
So.
As it turns out,
you're a nun.
(LAUGHS) A... A nun.
I'd have never seen that comin'. (LAUGHS)
I wanted to tell you.
I didn't know what to do.
Yeah, you and this nun thing...
What does that mean...
for me and you,
and... us and our thing?
- I mean, is there even a thing, or...
- I've given myself to Jesus.
Y-Yeah.
But... you know, you and the Jesus fella,
is that exclusive, really, cos...
I'd settle for being your booty call!
I can't see you again.
I'm sorry.
It's... It's all right. So...
I understand that's a good decision.
I never meant for this to happen.
It's all right.
It's fine. It's Jesus.
(LAUGHS)
He's the Son of God.
I'm just a dickhead.
Wi' a big mouth.
And a bag, which is yours. You left it.
I'll just... I'll pop it up here, eh?
She's all yours.
Just be nice.
She's special, this one.
Rudy.
(STIFLING TEARS)
They should call it Sad Feet.
You must never see him again.
It's too dangerous.
(it THE RAPTURE'. Echoes)
it The city breathing, the people churning
it The conversating
# The price is what? I
it The conversating
# This place is heaven
# And if you see them
# They're saying what? I #
I think it's bigger.
Like maybe the whole...
swapping thing... stretched it.
Well, I'll leave you two
to get reacquainted.
You probably have a lot to talk about.
It's definitely longer.
The Lord... giveth...
...and your boy takes awayeth.
Sometimes the... taking away
feels a little bit...
more than the giving, but...
- What you doing?
- I am praying, dude.
I'm praying... to the Lord Jesus Christ,
in the heavens above,
that Nadine stops being a frigging nun,
so I can... express
my physical love for her in a...
beautiful... union of our two genitals.
Amen.
What, and God,
he's taking these kind of requests, is he?
If he can build Noah
a massive friggin' ark,
he can spare a nun for old Rudy, can't he?
You know what I mean?
I'm not being funny, but... you and a nun,
it's not really something...
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Do not say whatever it is
you're about to say.
What are you saying?
- I'm not sayin' anything.
- Yeah, well, don't say anything.
- I'm not.
- Well, that's good.
Cos in the Bible it says,
"Judge not what a man hath done,
"but judge what he could have done
if he was a different bloke altogether.
"For art thou a leper...
"...and a leper can changeth his spots,
Finn."
I'm pretty sure it's "leopard".
That's the same difference.
No, it isn't.
It... It is.
Anyway, it's all piss under the bridge,
dude,
cos I am gonna go and confess all my sins,
be absolved
for all responsibility of anything... ever.
What a sweet deal.
Innit?
So when are you doing this, then,
this... confessin'?
Lunchtime.
What's this?!
What's with the strange lingering silence?
Where's your comic banter?
And witty repartee,
the... rebellious backchat?
What the fuck is up wi' you lot?
Well, she's thinking about her incredibly
hot boyfriend and his new cock.
Fuck you.
He's obsessing over her,
even though she doesn't think of him
like that and is never gonna shag him.
Well... l-l-let her... speak for herself,
shall we, Jess?
And him...
- He's in love with a nun.
- I am, man, I'm in love with a nun!
Which is always going to end up badly.
Oi... no!
Why do you have to say
something like that? Eh?
What about you, sweetcheeks?
I'm still looking for
some kind of emotional connection.
I'm starting to think
I'm never going to find it.
Which makes me feel sad and...
lost and strangely horny,
like I want to fuck away the pain.
You take the pain...
...and you hang onto it.
You bury it!
Deep inside you.
Do you feel it?
Do you feel W?
Cos that's it.
Feels like your guts
are strangling your heart.
Lap it UP-
It's good for the soul.
(DISTANT SIREN)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
JESS: Why are you looking at him
like that?
It's like a weight's been lifted.
Or reattached.
I'm talkin' about his cock.
Why are you all so obsessed with his cock?
I wouldn't say I'm obsessed.
If you're really that into it,
why don't you go over there
and ask him to show it to you?
Cos he's workin'.
And there's probably... a health and safety
thing about cocks and alcoholic drinks.
Well, there should be.
Look at her.
This whole "search for
a bullshit connection" thing,
it's just an excuse
to be an enormous slut.
I like her.
Do you fancy her?
Why do you care?
I don't.
All right, well, that's...
all worked out very nicely, hmm?
And...
I have things to do and places to be,
so I'll see you tomorrow.
(DOOR OPENS)
- ALEX: Hard job.
- (WOMAN GIGGLES)
WOMAN: OK...
I'll see you later.
She seems nice.
She's a friend.
Is she? I'm sure you're very friendly
with all the ladies.
Do yourself a favour.
Mind your own fuckin' business.
Maybe I'll make it my business.
Maybe...
I should go into the business
of making your business...
...my business, and...
...and then we'll see
whose b... business it is.
Pfff.
(SHE KNOCKS)
Nadine?
It's Nadine. She's gone.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace. Hail Mary,
full of grace. Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full...
Oi!
Should be helping me out
with some of these, you.
- Some of these Hail Marys are yours.
- Why? Why would I need
- to repent for your sins?
- Because, dude, you're a twat!
You're a miserable twat,
and that's the most terrible sin.
Do you know, honestly...
Do you honestly believe
that God's gonna let you
have a relationship with Nadine
because you've said 50,000 Hail Marys?
The priest said
that I have to repent to be forgiven.
He said you were gonna burn in hell.
Yeah, and I chose to ignore that.
I'll tell you something right now, fella.
Would it kill you to have a little bit
of friggin' Christian compassion?
You fucking dick!
You know,
I-I-I cannot get her out of me mind.
It's like the friggin' birds
are singing her name in the trees.
- Nadine!
- All right.
- Nadine.
- That's enough.
Fuck, it's torture.
Come on, let's just do it.
Let's get it out the way.
Only 25,000 Hail Marys each.
Oh, ridiculous.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
- Hail Mary, full of grace.
- Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
BOTH: Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
NADINE: Rudy.
Rudy?
Hail Marying worked.
There is a friggin' God.
See it up top there.
Just... whatever.
How's me hair? Is it all right?
Just get off... No, get off, it's fine.
Get in here, come on.
She doesn't need to see this freak show.
Come on.
No, I thought you were
gonna be honest with her.
Define "honest".
Telling the truth.
Ohh... D'you know what?
Some people might find your naivety
really charming, but I don't.
I do not, not at all. Get in!
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
- Do you wanna hear a joke?
- Yeah.
What's black and white and red all over?
Nun in a blender.
(THEY LAUGH)
Urn, all right. All right, what's black
and white, black and white, and then red?
Nun killing a penguin.
Whay! Respect, mate,
you know your nun jokes.
All right, what black and white
and smells musty?
A nun's cunt...
- Ahh. Shit.
- What?
Aw, it doesn't matter. It's nothing.
I'm... It's...
Nothing's... Nothing's musty.
Why would it be musty?
Urn... Probably...
underuse...
or just a lack of air circulation...
resulting in...
general mustiness.
Forgive me, Father, I have...
Love, I have sinned.
I'm not a priest,
I can't hear your confession.
No, you... you don't understand.
I... I've-I've...
I've done terrible, horrible, vile things.
I have had sexual relations
with women up the...
What do your nuns called the arse?
- The a... Up the anus!
- Rudy.
I have had a... a diet of crisps
and sugary snacks.
I think you can get a pass for the crisps.
No, you don't understand. I have...
I have inserted sugary snacks
into women.
Don't.
I have misused confectionery
in the most vile and vulgar manner.
I have violated myself
with a fucking king-size...
...Mars bar.
I don't care.
I don't care what you've done
in your past.
You've got a good heart.
I promised myself to God.
I was prepared to dedicate my life to him.
I see things.
Violence and cruelty and suffering.
Sometimes I question his existence.
Then I met you.
I've never felt like this.
Doubted my faith even more.
I'm not...
I'm not asking you
to give up your faith or anything.
I'll share you with God.
He'll probably want you Sundays, won't he?
He does like his Sundays.
Right, well, then he can have you Sundays,
I'll have you rest of week.
How's that sound?
How's that sitting with you, big fella?
I think he's cool with it.
- That's settled, then.
- (CHUCKLES)
Forgive me,
I'm gonna have to nip to the...
What do... nuns call the toilet?
- They call it the toilet.
- Brilliant.
- You can talk how you normally talk.
- Well...
in that case, I'm gonna go
for an enormous fucking shit.
Let's stick to "toilet".
All right, no, fair enough.
I reckon I'm getting the hang of this now,
you know.
Oh!
(HUMS HAPPILY)
(GLASS SMASHES)
Rudy?
(GLASS SMASHES)
Rudy?
Rudy?
Hiya. Urn...
It's... It's me, Rudy, Lord. I...
I just want you to know that I'm gonna
take good care of her and...
...God, I'll cherish the fuck out of her.
For I am a sheep.
And you're a shepherd. And...
a sheep...
always keeps his promises.
So, amen. (CLEARS THROAT)
Oh, and if you could do anything
about me bowels an' all, please,
that would be very much appreciated,
as I am shitting elephants.
Amen. Fuck.
(SIGHS)
I'll tell you...
Nadine?
Fuck.
Nadi?
Have you seen my nun?
No. Is she here?
Please tell me you didn't?
- You did, didn't you?
- No...
No, no, I didn't do that,
because I'm a friggin' sheep,
and she's fucking ran off again,
hasn't she?
Honestly, man, I am not sure how much
more of this my fragile heart can take.
Honestly... Have you done this?
You've... You've done this.
You've... You've built up my dreams
and y-y-you've crushed 'em.
You're not a shepherd.
You're a friggin' penis, sir.
- You can't call God a penis.
- God...
Shit! Fucking...
That's my fucking TV!
Well, we're just gonna have to
put it down to an act of God, Finlay.
Shit!
Cor, what a bell-end!
Oh...
D'you know, honestly, man, I have bailed
on more girls I care to remember.
All just becomes a bit of a blur, to be
honest with you, with all the soft hair,
silky vaginas. (CHUCKLES)
I've climbed out of windows,
I've faked me own death.
I've bailed mid-fuck.
- You've walked out on someone mid-fuck?
- Yeah. Point being...
- So, there is a point?
- Yeah, there's a...
Yes, there's a point.
And the point is -
and this is fucking heart-breaking -
there are shitters
and there are people that get shat on.
I'm a shitter and I've been shat on
from a bloody great height
and it's killing me. You know, me heart's
in little pieces all over the floor here.
Yeah, along with me flat-screen TV.
Ohhh! Will you shut up?
And stop... Where are you going? Oi!
Did we not agree that
that was an act of God?
- The TV?
- We did not.
Fuck's sake! Shut up.
You've gotta fight for her.
(SCOFFS) Yeah, cos you're such an expert
on relationships(!) "Hello!
"Would you like to put your hand
down my knickers?"
I know I'm searching for what he's got,
and when I find it, I'd fight for it.
I guess you're just not feeling that
with Alex. It's a shame.
Really? (SOFTLY) Is that true?
You are such a bitch.
Did I say the wrong thing? Sorry.
No, no, no. You're right.
You are both right,
and you're friggin' strange.
You have to fight for the nun you love.
You have to fight for the nun you love.
That's what's happening.
Woah!
Where the fuck
do you think you're going?
I've just... I'm...
I'm-I'm going to see a nun
to tell her that I love her, actually.
And you can't stop me, please, mate.
What if I broke both your legs?
- Would that stop you?
- No, I'd crawl, man. I'd...
Dude, I'd crawl through broken glass
and dog shit if I had to, really, I would.
- (SIGHS)
- Hey.
That's what love feels like.
Crawling naked...
...through broken glass and dog shit.
Naked?
I should know.
I was in love once.
Didn't say anything, I was too scared.
Lost them for ever.
That's...
That's a shame, man.
Feel your pain, man. That's horrid.
You crawl...
...through the broken glass...
...and through the dog shit...
and you fucking tell her
how much you love her,
or so help me God,
I will fuck you to kingdom come.
Oh! That's good stuff. Go on, then,
consider me motivated. I am...
I am ready...
to do this.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Cor... Ohh...
Oh!
Squeeze past there, Greg.
Woah-woah, Woah-woah, woah-woah-oh.
(PANTS)
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
Um... Please, let me see her.
I just wanna talk to her.
She doesn't want to see you.
I wanna talk to her.
I just wanna see her, that's all.
- You have to go. Go.
- Nadine!
That is my foot!
You're being a really mean nun.
You are a very mean nun. You... dick!
Fucking nasty bastards. Shit!
Oh, fuck.
Nadine!
Nadine!
No, no, no, no, no, no. No!
Oi! No, no! Where are you taking her?
Fucking nuns are full of shit!
Nadine, I'm coming for you.
Nadine!
Nadine!
Nadine, I'm coming for you.
You can't stop us being together,
you know.
I'm gonna c... Fuck.
Ohm
They're evil bitch nuns, is what they are.
Eh? They're holding Nadine hostage
because they're jealous of our love.
It's like, if they can't have Rudy,
no-one can. Eh?
Are you sure that's her motivation?
It's... It's a deficit
of drugs and reality bloody TV.
Their sexual frustration,
right, has caused them
to become so bitter and twisted...
They're consumed by bloody hatred
and jealousy. I mean, look at him.
I'm more than capable of satisfying
me own needs, thank you very much.
That what you were just doing
in the toilets?
No.
Fuck.
I mean, what are we talking about?
Nadine!
We need to break Nadine
out of the convent,
and the emphasis here is on "we", right?
We, we, we. You need to help me.
Who's gonna help me? Come on!
Oh, I see. Is that how it is?
Unbe-friggin'-lievable.
The number of times
I've helped you two out.
And you, man.
What about when you...
the time you were so damn pissed,
you shat in your own bed,
and who offered to swap wi' you? Me.
That was you.
You shat in your own bed
and then offered to swap with me.
- Did I?
- Yeah.
Yeah, and why did I do that?
Because you didn't wanna sleep
in your own shit.
That's incorrect.
It's because
that's what friends do, innit?
It's... It's all for one
and one for all, and a nun.
- So, what the plan?
- Hmm?
I don't have... I've... I've no idea.
I'm sorry, I've not thought of owt.
Do you ever think we suffer from a
complete lack of ambition and imagination?
I guess that's why we live in an age
of chronically high youth unemployment.
Shut up, man. I'm not a youth, am I?
Unless you're a ticket inspector
on the bus, then I'm 15.
So that little exchange got us
a whole lot closer into figuring out
how to bust in to a convent
full of evil bitch nuns, hmm(!)
You could use the special powers you got
after being struck
by that random freak storm.
It's just a thought.
You know, we really should
use them more often.
Hmm.
(STRAINS)
(PANTS)
Piece of cake.
You've got blood coming out of your ears.
Whoa, ssh!
Nun, nun.
No nun.
- Ssh! Now, shut up.
- Sister Ca...
- Ohh.
- Shit!
Oh, no. That's really bad.
- Mmm!
- You just head-butted a nun.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
It's fine. She's...
She's an evil bitch nun.
(RUDY GROANS)
I don't care how evil and bitchy she is.
I'm not... I'm not kicking a nun.
That's seven years' bad luck.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
- Rudy?
- Nadine!
I'm in here.
I'm here to rescue you
from the clutches
of the evil bitch nuns. Get back!
Come on, we've gotta go.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
L-I-I thought you were
on your community service.
We all ditched it
because we had to rescue Rudy's nun.
Some other evil bitch nuns
were holding her prisoner.
You got another one of those?
GIRL: Alex.
Jess,L"
- You fucking prick.
- Who's she?
I thought I was his girlfriend.
- I'm... I'm sorry.
- Don't fucking touch me!
Jess,L"
You've got a girlfriend?
Yeah, you're so full of shit!
Put your clothes on
and shut the door on your way out.
You prick.
You need a new TV.
Yeah, I'm aware of that.
(COUGHS)
That's my incredibly subtle way
of asking you if you want to fuck me.
Do I wanna fuck you? Well...
Hmm. Well, that's
a very interesting question,
with...
many possible answers.
Well, two answers.
Do you need some time to think
about your feelings for Jess?
Who said I had feelings for Jess?
There's...
There's no feelings.
Not on her part. It's your call.
Let me know when you make your decision.
Are you saying you like me?
Hmm...
I need to fuck you to find out.
It's a process of elimination.
And they said romance is dead.
If you don't want to, that's cool.
That's not what I said, eh?
Let's not be hasty...
...you, let's just...
weigh up all the angles,
you know, do a bit of geometry.
OK. Yeah, let's fuck.
- Mmm?
- Mm-hm.
You can start by rubbing my tit.
Any particular one?
You choose.
Mmm.
(IO ECHO: Stalemate)
# Thick...
#. ..fingers round my neck are grasping in
# Have a drink and let this game begin
# Flash
# Light
# Polaroid and one cheap glass of wine
# I think the moon is full
it I've come undone
# Pieces fall
This game has just begun... #
(FINN PANTS)
(GRUNTS)
So, am I the one?
Technically it really wasn't too bad.
It's just for me, it was completely
lacking in passion and emotion.
Really?
Yeah. It's always like that.
But look on the bright side.
At least you got to come in me,
so that's a gooey silver lining.
Mmm.
So, is that it?
Looks that way.
Is there any paperwork I have to complete?
Why would there be any paperwork?
Forget it.
For such a little guy,
you've weirdly weighty balls.
What's going on?
It's all right, we've finished shagging.
- Shit!
- (GASPS)
Jess, wait.
Jess.
It's not what you think.
Right, it is.
It... It's not how you think.
That doesn't even mean anything.
Like, the... the sex with Abby,
that didn't mean anything.
Nothing.
It's like it didn't even happen.
No. Didn't do anything for me either.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
I'm a lone wolf
in the journey of self-discovery.
You're not a wolf. You're a slut.
I get it. You like him now he's
shagging someone else.
You like me?
Jess.
Oh, just fuck off. Stay away from me.
- I'm sorry.
- What did you do to her?
You can stay out of it.
It's got nothing to do with you.
Look, I-l screwed up, OK?
- Just fuck off.
- You heard her. Go.
Seriously, get out my face.
She wants you to leave.
I think they're gonna fight over you now,
so that's all worked out.
Why don't you just fuck off?
Bring it, little man.
(FINN GROANS)
JESS: Don't you fucking touch him.
- Dick!
- Jess. Stop. Jess.
You should just choose
which one you want to be with.
Fuck off, you stupid, weird cunt!
(PANTS)
Guys! (LAUGHS) Yes!
'Ey! We've just made
sweet, beautiful love.
Now we're going for a pizza.
Ham and pineapple. Can't believe
they're putting fruit on pizzas now, man.
It's...
That's your sperm, so that's awkward.
(ELECTRICAL FIZZING)
- NADINE: No.
- What's that?
It's them.
Who?
- The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
- Seriously?
When I see people being cruel and violent,
that's when they come.
(THUNDERCLAPS)
So the nuns aren't evil bitches, they're
just trying to protect us from your power?
I've head-butted an innocent nun now,
haven1 I?
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of gr... Ohh.
Shit!
They're coming for us.
But they haven't even got horses.
FINN: Who has a horse around here?
I suppose
the Four Cyclists of the Apocalypse
doesn't quite have the same ring to it.
- OK, go. Go!
- Shit!
- Go!
- Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Move! What the hell are you doing?
Hurry up. Shit!
He's cut me.
- I'm dying!
- It's just a graze, man.
- Oh' What' so YOU'VE a doctor now(?)
- Shut up!
JESS:Rum
No!
No!
Holy fuck!
Abby. Abby.
Abby, are you OK?
I was so scared.
Shit-my-knickers terrified.
As he was about to kill me,
I've never felt so alive.
(BOTH PANT)
I'm sorry.
You were a much better boyfriend
when you had a vagina.
Bollocks!
Yes! Yes, yes, yes!
- OK.
- This is why we can never be together.
It's not safe for me to leave the convent.
No, listen, sweetheart,
listen, stop it. Stop it.
Calm down. Don't say those things.
We are gonna sort this out,
we're gonna deal with the bollocksing
Horsemen of the Apocalypse,
we're gonna fix your power,
then we are going on holiday,
cos I friggin' love you, Nun Nadine.
Is that it, then?
Jess...
(JESS GRUNTS)
RUDY: Ohh...
It's just a graze.
- My bad.
- JESS: We need to get him to a hospital.
I'm gutted we're all gonna die
before I had the chance
to find out what my story is.
I've had it up to here with you
and your emotional honesty.
Would it kill you just to sugar-coat it,
just once?
- I'm sure we're all gonna be fine.
- (GROANS)
Maybe not him.
There is one way to make them disappear.
Right, well, that sounds good. How?
If she dies, they die.
It's her power.
They're right.
No, they're not right.
They're fucking... You're wrong.
It's my fault.
I brought them here.
No. No good.
You're good and pure.
D'you know what?
I have exposed you to a world
where people just shit
all over each other, where they lie
and they cheat...
cowardly, selfish, violent,
a world where fucking sperm
dribbles out of vaginas
and just splatters on the floor.
You are a pure, white rose, you know that?
In a sea of shit and piss.
And I've defiled you
and I've defiled your petals.
I'm really friggin' sorry.
Moving speech,
but where does that leave us
and the situation
of the Four Horsemen and the Apocalypse?
We go out there and we face them together.
Really? ls... Is that where we're at?
One for all, all for one, and a nun.
My nun.
My beautiful nun,
who I love with all my heart, I swear.
You'd really do that?
You'd all die for me?
Looks that way.
So, who goes out there first?
Someone's gotta be first out the door.
I'm gonna go and get the straws.
- I'm really glad I met you.
- What?
Oh, no. No! No!
Nadine.
Don't.
No...
Oh...
(SOBS)
No.
This isn't how it's supposed to be.
Oh, no.
I wanted an ET ending.
(SOBS) Ohh...
No...
(SOBS)
I really loved her, you know?
I know.
I know you did.
This is all wrong, this.
I wanted me ET ending.
At least we got some BMXs out of it.
I always wanted a BMX.
I just remembered that!
I just remembered something.
That's a clue.
To what?
To my true identity.
OK, think... BMX.
No, I'm still on ET, love, I'm sorry.
(PHONE RINGS)
Hello?
Is he OK?
Jesus, um...
I don't know his family.
I know he's a barman.
Yeah...
I'm on my way. OK.
Bye.
That was the hospital.
It's Alex.
He's got a punctured lung,
they're giving him...
Ah!
They're giving him a lung transplant.
Shit!
I'll tell you now, you don't wanna be
getting a transplant round here.
Why's that?
Well, Curtis told me about this girl
he was seein' this one time,
right, and she had an heart transplant.
She only ended up getting hersel'
a teleportation power.
And then she ended up getting killed
by a guy who controlled cheese.
I'm sure Alex the sexy barman
is gonna be fine.
What's the chance
of it happening again, really?
- Who the fuck are you?
- Abby.
- What's she doing here?
- She's on community service.
I don't know who I am!
When the storm happened, I lost my memory.
Forgot everything.
So is that it, then?
You and Alex, you... you're together?
- Boyfriend and girlfriend.
- Yeah, Finn.
Alex? The sexy barman?
He's got no dick.
This is the greatest day of me life!
What's her name?
She calls herself James.
Get your dick out right now!
That's mine!
Um... Oh, my G...
I came to see you.
I'm not the caretaker.
It's not for me to judge you.
- I've got to go.
- Oh, no, no, don't.
Please don't go.
- How did it go?
- It was amazing, and then she's...
well, she's ran away!
She left her bag.
Ahhh...
Shit, I'm in love with a fucking nun.
There's a young man here to see you.
He says he has your bag.
You can send him in.
Be careful, Nadine.
(UNDER BREATH) Shit.
- Sound Of Music.
- What about it?
It had a nun in it.
And it was a great film, weren't it?
(HE CLEARS THROAT)
Happy... Happy Feet. Happy F...
Penguins! Ha-ha!
It had penguins in it.
I'm getting... I'm an idiot.
Nadine will see you now.
Penguins.
Are they birds or are they fish?
Does it really matter anyway?
We're all God's creatures.
So...
All right.
Brrr!
(HE QUACKS)
Happy Feet, innit?
It's not funny.
It's just an 'abit. Habit! Cos you...
No?
Ohh.
(EXHALES)
So.
As it turns out,
you're a nun.
(LAUGHS) A... A nun.
I'd have never seen that comin'. (LAUGHS)
I wanted to tell you.
I didn't know what to do.
Yeah, you and this nun thing...
What does that mean...
for me and you,
and... us and our thing?
- I mean, is there even a thing, or...
- I've given myself to Jesus.
Y-Yeah.
But... you know, you and the Jesus fella,
is that exclusive, really, cos...
I'd settle for being your booty call!
I can't see you again.
I'm sorry.
It's... It's all right. So...
I understand that's a good decision.
I never meant for this to happen.
It's all right.
It's fine. It's Jesus.
(LAUGHS)
He's the Son of God.
I'm just a dickhead.
Wi' a big mouth.
And a bag, which is yours. You left it.
I'll just... I'll pop it up here, eh?
She's all yours.
Just be nice.
She's special, this one.
Rudy.
(STIFLING TEARS)
They should call it Sad Feet.
You must never see him again.
It's too dangerous.
(it THE RAPTURE'. Echoes)
it The city breathing, the people churning
it The conversating
# The price is what? I
it The conversating
# This place is heaven
# And if you see them
# They're saying what? I #
I think it's bigger.
Like maybe the whole...
swapping thing... stretched it.
Well, I'll leave you two
to get reacquainted.
You probably have a lot to talk about.
It's definitely longer.
The Lord... giveth...
...and your boy takes awayeth.
Sometimes the... taking away
feels a little bit...
more than the giving, but...
- What you doing?
- I am praying, dude.
I'm praying... to the Lord Jesus Christ,
in the heavens above,
that Nadine stops being a frigging nun,
so I can... express
my physical love for her in a...
beautiful... union of our two genitals.
Amen.
What, and God,
he's taking these kind of requests, is he?
If he can build Noah
a massive friggin' ark,
he can spare a nun for old Rudy, can't he?
You know what I mean?
I'm not being funny, but... you and a nun,
it's not really something...
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Do not say whatever it is
you're about to say.
What are you saying?
- I'm not sayin' anything.
- Yeah, well, don't say anything.
- I'm not.
- Well, that's good.
Cos in the Bible it says,
"Judge not what a man hath done,
"but judge what he could have done
if he was a different bloke altogether.
"For art thou a leper...
"...and a leper can changeth his spots,
Finn."
I'm pretty sure it's "leopard".
That's the same difference.
No, it isn't.
It... It is.
Anyway, it's all piss under the bridge,
dude,
cos I am gonna go and confess all my sins,
be absolved
for all responsibility of anything... ever.
What a sweet deal.
Innit?
So when are you doing this, then,
this... confessin'?
Lunchtime.
What's this?!
What's with the strange lingering silence?
Where's your comic banter?
And witty repartee,
the... rebellious backchat?
What the fuck is up wi' you lot?
Well, she's thinking about her incredibly
hot boyfriend and his new cock.
Fuck you.
He's obsessing over her,
even though she doesn't think of him
like that and is never gonna shag him.
Well... l-l-let her... speak for herself,
shall we, Jess?
And him...
- He's in love with a nun.
- I am, man, I'm in love with a nun!
Which is always going to end up badly.
Oi... no!
Why do you have to say
something like that? Eh?
What about you, sweetcheeks?
I'm still looking for
some kind of emotional connection.
I'm starting to think
I'm never going to find it.
Which makes me feel sad and...
lost and strangely horny,
like I want to fuck away the pain.
You take the pain...
...and you hang onto it.
You bury it!
Deep inside you.
Do you feel it?
Do you feel W?
Cos that's it.
Feels like your guts
are strangling your heart.
Lap it UP-
It's good for the soul.
(DISTANT SIREN)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
JESS: Why are you looking at him
like that?
It's like a weight's been lifted.
Or reattached.
I'm talkin' about his cock.
Why are you all so obsessed with his cock?
I wouldn't say I'm obsessed.
If you're really that into it,
why don't you go over there
and ask him to show it to you?
Cos he's workin'.
And there's probably... a health and safety
thing about cocks and alcoholic drinks.
Well, there should be.
Look at her.
This whole "search for
a bullshit connection" thing,
it's just an excuse
to be an enormous slut.
I like her.
Do you fancy her?
Why do you care?
I don't.
All right, well, that's...
all worked out very nicely, hmm?
And...
I have things to do and places to be,
so I'll see you tomorrow.
(DOOR OPENS)
- ALEX: Hard job.
- (WOMAN GIGGLES)
WOMAN: OK...
I'll see you later.
She seems nice.
She's a friend.
Is she? I'm sure you're very friendly
with all the ladies.
Do yourself a favour.
Mind your own fuckin' business.
Maybe I'll make it my business.
Maybe...
I should go into the business
of making your business...
...my business, and...
...and then we'll see
whose b... business it is.
Pfff.
(SHE KNOCKS)
Nadine?
It's Nadine. She's gone.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace. Hail Mary,
full of grace. Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full...
Oi!
Should be helping me out
with some of these, you.
- Some of these Hail Marys are yours.
- Why? Why would I need
- to repent for your sins?
- Because, dude, you're a twat!
You're a miserable twat,
and that's the most terrible sin.
Do you know, honestly...
Do you honestly believe
that God's gonna let you
have a relationship with Nadine
because you've said 50,000 Hail Marys?
The priest said
that I have to repent to be forgiven.
He said you were gonna burn in hell.
Yeah, and I chose to ignore that.
I'll tell you something right now, fella.
Would it kill you to have a little bit
of friggin' Christian compassion?
You fucking dick!
You know,
I-I-I cannot get her out of me mind.
It's like the friggin' birds
are singing her name in the trees.
- Nadine!
- All right.
- Nadine.
- That's enough.
Fuck, it's torture.
Come on, let's just do it.
Let's get it out the way.
Only 25,000 Hail Marys each.
Oh, ridiculous.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
- Hail Mary, full of grace.
- Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
BOTH: Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
NADINE: Rudy.
Rudy?
Hail Marying worked.
There is a friggin' God.
See it up top there.
Just... whatever.
How's me hair? Is it all right?
Just get off... No, get off, it's fine.
Get in here, come on.
She doesn't need to see this freak show.
Come on.
No, I thought you were
gonna be honest with her.
Define "honest".
Telling the truth.
Ohh... D'you know what?
Some people might find your naivety
really charming, but I don't.
I do not, not at all. Get in!
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
- Do you wanna hear a joke?
- Yeah.
What's black and white and red all over?
Nun in a blender.
(THEY LAUGH)
Urn, all right. All right, what's black
and white, black and white, and then red?
Nun killing a penguin.
Whay! Respect, mate,
you know your nun jokes.
All right, what black and white
and smells musty?
A nun's cunt...
- Ahh. Shit.
- What?
Aw, it doesn't matter. It's nothing.
I'm... It's...
Nothing's... Nothing's musty.
Why would it be musty?
Urn... Probably...
underuse...
or just a lack of air circulation...
resulting in...
general mustiness.
Forgive me, Father, I have...
Love, I have sinned.
I'm not a priest,
I can't hear your confession.
No, you... you don't understand.
I... I've-I've...
I've done terrible, horrible, vile things.
I have had sexual relations
with women up the...
What do your nuns called the arse?
- The a... Up the anus!
- Rudy.
I have had a... a diet of crisps
and sugary snacks.
I think you can get a pass for the crisps.
No, you don't understand. I have...
I have inserted sugary snacks
into women.
Don't.
I have misused confectionery
in the most vile and vulgar manner.
I have violated myself
with a fucking king-size...
...Mars bar.
I don't care.
I don't care what you've done
in your past.
You've got a good heart.
I promised myself to God.
I was prepared to dedicate my life to him.
I see things.
Violence and cruelty and suffering.
Sometimes I question his existence.
Then I met you.
I've never felt like this.
Doubted my faith even more.
I'm not...
I'm not asking you
to give up your faith or anything.
I'll share you with God.
He'll probably want you Sundays, won't he?
He does like his Sundays.
Right, well, then he can have you Sundays,
I'll have you rest of week.
How's that sound?
How's that sitting with you, big fella?
I think he's cool with it.
- That's settled, then.
- (CHUCKLES)
Forgive me,
I'm gonna have to nip to the...
What do... nuns call the toilet?
- They call it the toilet.
- Brilliant.
- You can talk how you normally talk.
- Well...
in that case, I'm gonna go
for an enormous fucking shit.
Let's stick to "toilet".
All right, no, fair enough.
I reckon I'm getting the hang of this now,
you know.
Oh!
(HUMS HAPPILY)
(GLASS SMASHES)
Rudy?
(GLASS SMASHES)
Rudy?
Rudy?
Hiya. Urn...
It's... It's me, Rudy, Lord. I...
I just want you to know that I'm gonna
take good care of her and...
...God, I'll cherish the fuck out of her.
For I am a sheep.
And you're a shepherd. And...
a sheep...
always keeps his promises.
So, amen. (CLEARS THROAT)
Oh, and if you could do anything
about me bowels an' all, please,
that would be very much appreciated,
as I am shitting elephants.
Amen. Fuck.
(SIGHS)
I'll tell you...
Nadine?
Fuck.
Nadi?
Have you seen my nun?
No. Is she here?
Please tell me you didn't?
- You did, didn't you?
- No...
No, no, I didn't do that,
because I'm a friggin' sheep,
and she's fucking ran off again,
hasn't she?
Honestly, man, I am not sure how much
more of this my fragile heart can take.
Honestly... Have you done this?
You've... You've done this.
You've... You've built up my dreams
and y-y-you've crushed 'em.
You're not a shepherd.
You're a friggin' penis, sir.
- You can't call God a penis.
- God...
Shit! Fucking...
That's my fucking TV!
Well, we're just gonna have to
put it down to an act of God, Finlay.
Shit!
Cor, what a bell-end!
Oh...
D'you know, honestly, man, I have bailed
on more girls I care to remember.
All just becomes a bit of a blur, to be
honest with you, with all the soft hair,
silky vaginas. (CHUCKLES)
I've climbed out of windows,
I've faked me own death.
I've bailed mid-fuck.
- You've walked out on someone mid-fuck?
- Yeah. Point being...
- So, there is a point?
- Yeah, there's a...
Yes, there's a point.
And the point is -
and this is fucking heart-breaking -
there are shitters
and there are people that get shat on.
I'm a shitter and I've been shat on
from a bloody great height
and it's killing me. You know, me heart's
in little pieces all over the floor here.
Yeah, along with me flat-screen TV.
Ohhh! Will you shut up?
And stop... Where are you going? Oi!
Did we not agree that
that was an act of God?
- The TV?
- We did not.
Fuck's sake! Shut up.
You've gotta fight for her.
(SCOFFS) Yeah, cos you're such an expert
on relationships(!) "Hello!
"Would you like to put your hand
down my knickers?"
I know I'm searching for what he's got,
and when I find it, I'd fight for it.
I guess you're just not feeling that
with Alex. It's a shame.
Really? (SOFTLY) Is that true?
You are such a bitch.
Did I say the wrong thing? Sorry.
No, no, no. You're right.
You are both right,
and you're friggin' strange.
You have to fight for the nun you love.
You have to fight for the nun you love.
That's what's happening.
Woah!
Where the fuck
do you think you're going?
I've just... I'm...
I'm-I'm going to see a nun
to tell her that I love her, actually.
And you can't stop me, please, mate.
What if I broke both your legs?
- Would that stop you?
- No, I'd crawl, man. I'd...
Dude, I'd crawl through broken glass
and dog shit if I had to, really, I would.
- (SIGHS)
- Hey.
That's what love feels like.
Crawling naked...
...through broken glass and dog shit.
Naked?
I should know.
I was in love once.
Didn't say anything, I was too scared.
Lost them for ever.
That's...
That's a shame, man.
Feel your pain, man. That's horrid.
You crawl...
...through the broken glass...
...and through the dog shit...
and you fucking tell her
how much you love her,
or so help me God,
I will fuck you to kingdom come.
Oh! That's good stuff. Go on, then,
consider me motivated. I am...
I am ready...
to do this.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Cor... Ohh...
Oh!
Squeeze past there, Greg.
Woah-woah, Woah-woah, woah-woah-oh.
(PANTS)
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
Um... Please, let me see her.
I just wanna talk to her.
She doesn't want to see you.
I wanna talk to her.
I just wanna see her, that's all.
- You have to go. Go.
- Nadine!
That is my foot!
You're being a really mean nun.
You are a very mean nun. You... dick!
Fucking nasty bastards. Shit!
Oh, fuck.
Nadine!
Nadine!
No, no, no, no, no, no. No!
Oi! No, no! Where are you taking her?
Fucking nuns are full of shit!
Nadine, I'm coming for you.
Nadine!
Nadine!
Nadine, I'm coming for you.
You can't stop us being together,
you know.
I'm gonna c... Fuck.
Ohm
They're evil bitch nuns, is what they are.
Eh? They're holding Nadine hostage
because they're jealous of our love.
It's like, if they can't have Rudy,
no-one can. Eh?
Are you sure that's her motivation?
It's... It's a deficit
of drugs and reality bloody TV.
Their sexual frustration,
right, has caused them
to become so bitter and twisted...
They're consumed by bloody hatred
and jealousy. I mean, look at him.
I'm more than capable of satisfying
me own needs, thank you very much.
That what you were just doing
in the toilets?
No.
Fuck.
I mean, what are we talking about?
Nadine!
We need to break Nadine
out of the convent,
and the emphasis here is on "we", right?
We, we, we. You need to help me.
Who's gonna help me? Come on!
Oh, I see. Is that how it is?
Unbe-friggin'-lievable.
The number of times
I've helped you two out.
And you, man.
What about when you...
the time you were so damn pissed,
you shat in your own bed,
and who offered to swap wi' you? Me.
That was you.
You shat in your own bed
and then offered to swap with me.
- Did I?
- Yeah.
Yeah, and why did I do that?
Because you didn't wanna sleep
in your own shit.
That's incorrect.
It's because
that's what friends do, innit?
It's... It's all for one
and one for all, and a nun.
- So, what the plan?
- Hmm?
I don't have... I've... I've no idea.
I'm sorry, I've not thought of owt.
Do you ever think we suffer from a
complete lack of ambition and imagination?
I guess that's why we live in an age
of chronically high youth unemployment.
Shut up, man. I'm not a youth, am I?
Unless you're a ticket inspector
on the bus, then I'm 15.
So that little exchange got us
a whole lot closer into figuring out
how to bust in to a convent
full of evil bitch nuns, hmm(!)
You could use the special powers you got
after being struck
by that random freak storm.
It's just a thought.
You know, we really should
use them more often.
Hmm.
(STRAINS)
(PANTS)
Piece of cake.
You've got blood coming out of your ears.
Whoa, ssh!
Nun, nun.
No nun.
- Ssh! Now, shut up.
- Sister Ca...
- Ohh.
- Shit!
Oh, no. That's really bad.
- Mmm!
- You just head-butted a nun.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
It's fine. She's...
She's an evil bitch nun.
(RUDY GROANS)
I don't care how evil and bitchy she is.
I'm not... I'm not kicking a nun.
That's seven years' bad luck.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
- Rudy?
- Nadine!
I'm in here.
I'm here to rescue you
from the clutches
of the evil bitch nuns. Get back!
Come on, we've gotta go.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
L-I-I thought you were
on your community service.
We all ditched it
because we had to rescue Rudy's nun.
Some other evil bitch nuns
were holding her prisoner.
You got another one of those?
GIRL: Alex.
Jess,L"
- You fucking prick.
- Who's she?
I thought I was his girlfriend.
- I'm... I'm sorry.
- Don't fucking touch me!
Jess,L"
You've got a girlfriend?
Yeah, you're so full of shit!
Put your clothes on
and shut the door on your way out.
You prick.
You need a new TV.
Yeah, I'm aware of that.
(COUGHS)
That's my incredibly subtle way
of asking you if you want to fuck me.
Do I wanna fuck you? Well...
Hmm. Well, that's
a very interesting question,
with...
many possible answers.
Well, two answers.
Do you need some time to think
about your feelings for Jess?
Who said I had feelings for Jess?
There's...
There's no feelings.
Not on her part. It's your call.
Let me know when you make your decision.
Are you saying you like me?
Hmm...
I need to fuck you to find out.
It's a process of elimination.
And they said romance is dead.
If you don't want to, that's cool.
That's not what I said, eh?
Let's not be hasty...
...you, let's just...
weigh up all the angles,
you know, do a bit of geometry.
OK. Yeah, let's fuck.
- Mmm?
- Mm-hm.
You can start by rubbing my tit.
Any particular one?
You choose.
Mmm.
(IO ECHO: Stalemate)
# Thick...
#. ..fingers round my neck are grasping in
# Have a drink and let this game begin
# Flash
# Light
# Polaroid and one cheap glass of wine
# I think the moon is full
it I've come undone
# Pieces fall
This game has just begun... #
(FINN PANTS)
(GRUNTS)
So, am I the one?
Technically it really wasn't too bad.
It's just for me, it was completely
lacking in passion and emotion.
Really?
Yeah. It's always like that.
But look on the bright side.
At least you got to come in me,
so that's a gooey silver lining.
Mmm.
So, is that it?
Looks that way.
Is there any paperwork I have to complete?
Why would there be any paperwork?
Forget it.
For such a little guy,
you've weirdly weighty balls.
What's going on?
It's all right, we've finished shagging.
- Shit!
- (GASPS)
Jess, wait.
Jess.
It's not what you think.
Right, it is.
It... It's not how you think.
That doesn't even mean anything.
Like, the... the sex with Abby,
that didn't mean anything.
Nothing.
It's like it didn't even happen.
No. Didn't do anything for me either.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
I'm a lone wolf
in the journey of self-discovery.
You're not a wolf. You're a slut.
I get it. You like him now he's
shagging someone else.
You like me?
Jess.
Oh, just fuck off. Stay away from me.
- I'm sorry.
- What did you do to her?
You can stay out of it.
It's got nothing to do with you.
Look, I-l screwed up, OK?
- Just fuck off.
- You heard her. Go.
Seriously, get out my face.
She wants you to leave.
I think they're gonna fight over you now,
so that's all worked out.
Why don't you just fuck off?
Bring it, little man.
(FINN GROANS)
JESS: Don't you fucking touch him.
- Dick!
- Jess. Stop. Jess.
You should just choose
which one you want to be with.
Fuck off, you stupid, weird cunt!
(PANTS)
Guys! (LAUGHS) Yes!
'Ey! We've just made
sweet, beautiful love.
Now we're going for a pizza.
Ham and pineapple. Can't believe
they're putting fruit on pizzas now, man.
It's...
That's your sperm, so that's awkward.
(ELECTRICAL FIZZING)
- NADINE: No.
- What's that?
It's them.
Who?
- The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
- Seriously?
When I see people being cruel and violent,
that's when they come.
(THUNDERCLAPS)
So the nuns aren't evil bitches, they're
just trying to protect us from your power?
I've head-butted an innocent nun now,
haven1 I?
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of gr... Ohh.
Shit!
They're coming for us.
But they haven't even got horses.
FINN: Who has a horse around here?
I suppose
the Four Cyclists of the Apocalypse
doesn't quite have the same ring to it.
- OK, go. Go!
- Shit!
- Go!
- Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Move! What the hell are you doing?
Hurry up. Shit!
He's cut me.
- I'm dying!
- It's just a graze, man.
- Oh' What' so YOU'VE a doctor now(?)
- Shut up!
JESS:Rum
No!
No!
Holy fuck!
Abby. Abby.
Abby, are you OK?
I was so scared.
Shit-my-knickers terrified.
As he was about to kill me,
I've never felt so alive.
(BOTH PANT)
I'm sorry.
You were a much better boyfriend
when you had a vagina.
Bollocks!
Yes! Yes, yes, yes!
- OK.
- This is why we can never be together.
It's not safe for me to leave the convent.
No, listen, sweetheart,
listen, stop it. Stop it.
Calm down. Don't say those things.
We are gonna sort this out,
we're gonna deal with the bollocksing
Horsemen of the Apocalypse,
we're gonna fix your power,
then we are going on holiday,
cos I friggin' love you, Nun Nadine.
Is that it, then?
Jess...
(JESS GRUNTS)
RUDY: Ohh...
It's just a graze.
- My bad.
- JESS: We need to get him to a hospital.
I'm gutted we're all gonna die
before I had the chance
to find out what my story is.
I've had it up to here with you
and your emotional honesty.
Would it kill you just to sugar-coat it,
just once?
- I'm sure we're all gonna be fine.
- (GROANS)
Maybe not him.
There is one way to make them disappear.
Right, well, that sounds good. How?
If she dies, they die.
It's her power.
They're right.
No, they're not right.
They're fucking... You're wrong.
It's my fault.
I brought them here.
No. No good.
You're good and pure.
D'you know what?
I have exposed you to a world
where people just shit
all over each other, where they lie
and they cheat...
cowardly, selfish, violent,
a world where fucking sperm
dribbles out of vaginas
and just splatters on the floor.
You are a pure, white rose, you know that?
In a sea of shit and piss.
And I've defiled you
and I've defiled your petals.
I'm really friggin' sorry.
Moving speech,
but where does that leave us
and the situation
of the Four Horsemen and the Apocalypse?
We go out there and we face them together.
Really? ls... Is that where we're at?
One for all, all for one, and a nun.
My nun.
My beautiful nun,
who I love with all my heart, I swear.
You'd really do that?
You'd all die for me?
Looks that way.
So, who goes out there first?
Someone's gotta be first out the door.
I'm gonna go and get the straws.
- I'm really glad I met you.
- What?
Oh, no. No! No!
Nadine.
Don't.
No...
Oh...
(SOBS)
No.
This isn't how it's supposed to be.
Oh, no.
I wanted an ET ending.
(SOBS) Ohh...
No...
(SOBS)
I really loved her, you know?
I know.
I know you did.
This is all wrong, this.
I wanted me ET ending.
At least we got some BMXs out of it.
I always wanted a BMX.
I just remembered that!
I just remembered something.
That's a clue.
To what?
To my true identity.
OK, think... BMX.
No, I'm still on ET, love, I'm sorry.
(PHONE RINGS)
Hello?
Is he OK?
Jesus, um...
I don't know his family.
I know he's a barman.
Yeah...
I'm on my way. OK.
Bye.
That was the hospital.
It's Alex.
He's got a punctured lung,
they're giving him...
Ah!
They're giving him a lung transplant.
Shit!
I'll tell you now, you don't wanna be
getting a transplant round here.
Why's that?
Well, Curtis told me about this girl
he was seein' this one time,
right, and she had an heart transplant.
She only ended up getting hersel'
a teleportation power.
And then she ended up getting killed
by a guy who controlled cheese.
I'm sure Alex the sexy barman
is gonna be fine.
What's the chance
of it happening again, really?