Misfits (2009–2013): Season 5, Episode 2 - Episode #5.2 - full transcript

When the storm happened, I lost
my memory. Forgot everything.

What's this? What am I looking at?

It's a support group. It's for people
with powers. I think we should go.

ABBY: Did you get community service
for fucking him up the arse

or breaking into the Community Centre?

Breaking and entering.

- I knit the future.
- Thanks.

Are we gonna become proper superheroes?

So, what did she look like?

RUDY: Right, well, try to imagine,

if an orang-utan and a bulldog,
they spawned a child, yeah?



Now try and imagine,
that bloody child grows up

- and impregnates a pig.
- Eurgh.

This pig-dog-monkey hybrid thing
would be a thing of beauty in comparison.

Dude, honestly, this girl, man,
she was so physically ugly,

it pained me when I came on her face.

- Brilliant.
- Seriously, she were minging, dude.

If she was so hideously ugly,
why did you have sex with her?

Really? Do you know,
this... this is just...

this is the problem, isn't it, when
you're having sex with ugly birds?

You... you're damned if you do,
and then you're damned if you don't.

I suppose you only have sex with people
you find physically attractive?

It's a weird rule that I have.

Well, that's a bit shallow, isn't it?
That's very shallow, Jess.

What about you, Abs?
You ever done an ugly?



- Does he count?
- No, I don't count!

Trust me. You count. Twice. Double points.

- Why am I double points?
- Cos you're short.

Oh, shit! No, no, no, no, no way!

- Has he seen me?
- Who?

It's me dad. It's me frigging dad.
What's he doing here?

Why are you hiding from your dad?

Because he thinks I'm at university,

doing a bloody Master's degree
in computer science.

I'm... Do you know I'm actually...
I'm President of the Student Union

and I'm captain of the rowing team?

And I actually nearly made it
to the Olympics Squad by that much.

Dude, your mum and dad
are proper going for it.

No, they're not. My mum's classy. She
wouldn't do shit like that. Not in public.

Oh, shit! That's not my... that's not
my mum! That's not my mum!

- (GUFFAWS) Is he fingering her?
- RUDY: No!

It's either that
or he's lost something in her vagina.

Finlay! It's my mum you're talking about!

- You just fucking hit me?
- Yeah, well, I'm very upset, Finlay.

Shit! Oh, fuck! Is he...

Did he see me, then? Is he looking now?

I think I'm going to cry.

(it THE RAPTURE'. Echoes)

# The city breathing, the people churning

# The conversating

# The price is what?

# The conversating, this place is heaven

# And if you see them

# They say what? #

We have to tell Mum. You know, she...
she needs to know what's going on.

No, man!

But Dad is cheating on her, man!

He's not, he's not cheating!

He's...

He is... he's fingering,
is what he's doing.

It's not really cheating, man.
It's... it's more playful.

Mum has a right to know
what's going on here.

I won't do it! Stop saying.

I won't do it. I won't do that to her.
I'm not going to break her frigging heart.

Shit! I'm gonna have to sort it, aren't I?

What do you mean?

I'm going to go round there, right,
and I'm going to say, "You frigging...

"you harlot! You harlot.
You're a home-wrecker!"

You know, I just... I... I will not
come from a broken home!

I won't be one of them kids who's still
pissing himself in his early-to-mid teens.

You were one of them kids.

I had a bladder infection.

Right. I'll see you later.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Where're you going?

I... I have to...
I have to be somewhere, don't I?

Where have you got to be?
You never have to be anywhere.

What do you know about my life?

(# CHVRCHES: Recover)

What do you think?

I'm going to put them up
around the estate.

You're not really missing,
cos you're sat there.

Maybe it should just say "found".

Dog seeks owner. Not dog.
Girl. Girl seeks owner.

Yeah, cos that wouldn't
attract any perverts.

What about, "Girl seeks self-identity"?

We're not at art school.

I'm going to think about this
while I change my tampon.

# And you take what you need
and you don't need me... #

Alex?

Now that you're a part of the gang,
do we get free drinks?

No.

WOMAN: Well, what time does it start?

No. I'm... yeah, I'm just leaving.

I'll see you there?

OK. OK.

Bye.

(SHE SNIFFS)

- Jess!
- Aah!

- Jess!
- (CLICKING)

Stop!

You gonna do that?

- (CLICKING)
- Fuck's sake.

Ah. Buzzing. Listen, what are you doing...

- (CLUNK)
- Ooh. What you doing right now?

- I'm going for a facial.
- I'll give you a facial.

- Excuse me?
- Ha-ha-ha!

Sorry. I disgust myself when I'm nervous.

Fuck, it's small in here.

What I meant to say was,

would you mind giving me a lift
to my dad's harlot's flat, please?

Why can't Finn do it?

Because Finn doesn't have any respect
for the institution of marriage,

it would appear.

And he doesn't have a car.

So... wagons roll!

Right.

How's that?

You're not going on a date with her.

Well, actually, yes,
she is going on a date.

She's going on a date with destiny.
No-one fucks with my family.

No-one fucks members of my family.
Apart from other members of my family.

JESS: Your dad's here.

Shit! Right, start the engine!
This was a terrible idea!

You never should have made me
come here. You're a fool!

This is a perfect opportunity

for you to talk to both of them
without your mum being around.

You should confront him.

- Will you come with me, please?
- No.

Oh, well, what a selfish cunt.

- Really?
- No.

Not at all. I can't do this.
I can't do it on my own.

I'm not... I'm not mature enough.

You know what?
I might have a big, lush pubic bush,

but that does not maketh me a man.

I'm a child. I'm masquerading
in a man's body back here.

All right. Just stop talking about
your lush pubic bush. I'll come with you.

I use a volumising conditioner,
in case you're wondering.

- No, no! What are you doing?
- (DOORBELL RINGS)

I'm mentally preparing myself, you fool.
What...

What?

Bonjour.

I am French and I am selling...

la cheese.

You're selling cheese?

No, it is, um... how would you say?

La fromage

avec le milk...

...of la monkey francais.

Fuck off.

Shit.

You're selling...

monkey cheese?

So,no,no,no.
I fucking panicked, didn't I?

It was the first thing
that sprung to mind. Shit!

- Monkey cheese?
- Well, you think of summat, then!

- Double glazing.
- Oh, well, really?

Really? That's original, isn't it?

She already has it. She has
double glazing. So, that's no sale.

- D'you want to try again?
- No, I don't. Don't. Try again? Christ.

I can't tell her I'm not
a French monkey-cheese salesman.

I'm gonna look
fucking ridiculous, aren't I?

Right, and we wouldn't
want that, would we?

I'm not that guy, am I?

What guy?
A French monkey-cheese salesman?

No, not a frigging French monkey-cheese...

The guy who does good noble shit and
saves his... saves his parents' marriage.

Well, you... you might be that guy.

Maybe you just need a bit of practice.

GEOFF: Don't you walk away from me!
You don't ever do that!

TINA: I can't do this any more!

- (BREAKING GLASS)
- (TINA SCREAMS)

GEOFF: I told you. I told you what I'd do
if you ever tried to leave me.

Geoff, please, don't.

I will find you and I will hurt you.

TINA: Please.

Why do you do this?
You make me like this.

You're playing games with me.

You think you can play games?

Try it.

Clean yourself up.

You're fucking disgusting.

(TINA SOBS)

(SOBBING)

Are you all right?

I always wanted to be him.

You know?

Be like him.

I... I thought that my dad was
the greatest man on earth,

him and Roy Castle.

But my dad was always edging it.

Now I don't know him.

Will you take me home, please?

So, there's this stuff going on
with our parents, and...

...he won't let me in,
he won't listen to me.

It's like I don't even exist.

Something happened to us.
Something happened to all of us.

We didn't ask for it.

We didn't ask for it, so why should
we be ashamed of who we are?

Why should we have to hide away?

It's not fair.

It's not fair.

- Have either of you seen Rudy?
- He is on the roof,

staring at the distance.

Has this look on his face, like...

Did you talk to him?

No, I just crept away
before he could see me.

(SNIFFING)

Are you all right?

No, I'm not. I'm very fucking far
from being all right.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to go round my parents' house...

...and as soon as my dad answers the door,

I'm going to punch him
in his shitty little face.

That's what I'm gonna do.

Fuck!

- Fuck you! Oh! Mum.
- Aaah! Oh!

- What the hell are you doing?
- Oh.

(CHUCKLES) Classic.

Your face, then. Ah.

You scared the shit out of me.

Hilarious.

- I thought you'd gone mental again.
- What do you mean, mental again?

Mental again? What do you mean, again?

- I thought you were at work.
- Yeah, I've got the day off.

- Fancied doing the garden.
- Here he is.

All right, son?

- All right, Dad?
- How's the rowing?

I thought you were in Spain,
at that training camp?

Yes, I was in Spain at the training camp.
Do you know what, though?

They said there was nothing more they
could teach me, so I just rowed home.

- Oh, right.
- From Spain?

No, bloody hell, don't be ridiculous.

Like, I dunno, two thirds of the way.

- Do you want to stay for tea, son?
- I'm not hungry.

- So, how are you, Dad?
- Oh, you know, keeping busy.

Oh, busy? Been busy?

Busy doing what, exactly?
What exactly are you busy doing, Dad?

Are you all right?

Dad, I'm all right.
I'm all right. Yeah, I'm all right.

The question is, really, are you?

- Are you all right, Dad?
- Yeah.

- Are you?
- I'm fine, aye.

Rudy, what is it?

There's something I have to tell you,
Mum, and it's killing me, all right?

- GEOFF: What is it, son?
- I'm sorry. Oh, fuck off!

You know!
Don't make me say it, when you know!

You're gay, aren't you?

Oh, my God.

It's OK. We've always suspected it.

Well, I'm not gay, so...

Well, there was all that trouble
with the Boy Scouts.

Fucking hell! That was
an experimental stage, weren't it?

No-one judged Isaac Newton when he
were friggin' wanking on apples, did they?

Yeah, well, apples aren't the same
as 12-year-old boys.

Yeah, maybe not to you, Mum.

And maybe that's why you never discovered
the fucking... the laws of gravity.

Well, you know, you never had
a girlfriend, so we assumed...

That I was a big gay.

Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you,
but I've had loads of birds.

I'm disgusting, I'll do anything. I've...
I've got a reputation as a total slag.

Mum, I am quite the slut.

How come we've not met any of them, then?

Because, I am, erm... Fuck it.
I'm embarrassed of you both!

Look at you both. Look at you right now.
You are an embarrassment.

I'm ashamed.
Deep shame for the pair of you.

- Oh, thanks for those kind words.
- (BOTH LAUGH)

- Fuck.
- PAT: It's OK.

We love you, just how you are.
Look at you.

You're so handsome. Get your good looks
from his dad, doesn't he?

- Oh, you smooth talker, you.
- (BOTH CHUCKLE)

So, if, er... you're not gay, what did you
want to talk to us about, son?

Errn...

No.

I just... I can't... I can't do it.

(SIGHS) We're gonna have to go for plan B.

(LOW CHATTER)

You all right?

I'm fighting it.

Every day's a battle.

I... I feel like I'm slipping back
into the game world.

- But I can't go back. I can't!
- Hey, man, it's all right.

Can we meet up sometime?

I have to talk to someone, man.
I feel like I'm losing my mind.

Of course.

Whenever you want.
I'm here for you, yeah?

- Thanks.
- No worries.

Go in there.

You tell her you know exactly
what your dad's doing to her

and you tell her to leave the bastard.

Yeah.

GEOFF: I'm fucking getting sick
of all this. Cow!

Shit!

- (GEOFF MUTTERS)
- (SIREN WAILS)

GEOFF: Fucking bitch!

- JESS: What's he doing?
- Cow!

He's burning her clothes.

- Why's he burning her clothes?
- GEOFF: Fucking...

Er...

(PANTING)

(PANTING)

Oh, fuck.

Fuck it.

(BREAKING GLASS)

(RATTLING)

- I'm just going to say it.
- Don't.

That looked like blood on the carpet.

Fuck! Fuck! Oh!

You broke my CD player!

Well, who the frigging hell
plays CDs any more?

It's ridiculous!

Call your dad and ask him
if he wants to meet you for a beer.

RUDY: What do you mean?

My dad's murdered his girlfriend.
You want me to take him for a beer?

Why don't I just throw in some ten-pin
bowling and a fucking foot massage?

While you're buying him a beer,
I will break into the flat

and see if I can find out
if your dad has actually murdered her.

- Cheers, son.
- Hm.

- (BOTTLES CLINK)
- Yeah.

(GASPS)

(GASPS)

- (RINGING)
- RUDY: One sec.

Yes?

(WHISPERS) He's here. Your dad's back.

No, he's not. He, erm...

The ostrich is in the coop.

(WHISPERS) The fucking ostrich
is sat right in front of me.

He's drinking a bottle
of Continental lager.

(WHISPERS) Then who's here in the flat?

One sec.

Just a hypothetical question.

You... you don't... do you have a twin
brother you've never told me about?

(GEOFF SIGHS)

There was a storm.

Shit.

I know it's gonna sound crazy,
but I split into two.

I guess he was the part of me
I wasn't proud of.

I haven't always been a nice person.
I hid it from you.

I was a shit. A nasty shit.

That... that part of me is gone.

It's all in him.

Shit! Jess... Jess?

Oh!

GEOFF: Who the fuck are you?

Jessica! I've come here...
I've come here to save you! I'm...

Ow! Fucking hell!

Hello, son.

Did he touch... Has he touched you? If you
so much as fucking touched her, mate...

Did he touch you?
Have you fucking touched her?

Rudy...
I'm fine.

Yeah, we were just having
a friendly chat.

We weren't having a friendly anything.

He said he wouldn't let me go
until I tell him where Tina is.

We thought you'd bloody murdered her.
D'you know that?

She's gone. She's left me.

Good! Good for her!

Cos you know my dad, my real dad?

Mate, he's told me everything.
You absolutely... you disgust me, mate.

I'm your dad, too. Well, part of him.

Maybe we should go for a drink
sometime, you know.

Get to know each other properly.

Yeah, let's go for a drink(!)
You're nothing to me, you moron. Nothing.

Honestly, pal, you are...

Come on, pet. We're going. Let's go.

Oh, get your fucking hand
off my shoulder now, pal.

- Come round, any time.
- Get it off.

Fucking get off. Cunt.

Prick.

(DOOR SHUTS)

Oh, Jesus!

What the fuck are you doing?
You scared the shit out of me.

- What...
- What are you doing?

Showering.

I like to shower
before community service.

(FINN SIGHS-ls)

Why don't you shower at home?

Why don't I shower at home?

Is a good question.

Water's off.

No water.

It's dry... it's as dry as a badger's...

Dry.

Can I have my towel?

(CLEARS THROAT)

Would you stop sniffing that scarf?

There's something about the smell of her.

I keep asking girls in the bar
if it's theirs, and none of them are her.

She's like Cinderella.

This Cinderella, did you shag her?

What? No.

Cinderella, like in the fairy tale.

Pumpkin.

Fairy godmother.

She had a glass slipper.

Fucking start, you piece of shit!

No, wait, it's you!

You're the monkey-cheese guy.

Why are you looking at me like that?

Because you know my dad, don't you?

He split in two?

There's two of him?

You got the shitty end of the stick, mate.
Well, the shitty end of the dad.

Is there somewhere you can go,
away from here, away from him?

Your dad. Geoff.

- He took all my money.
- Oh, no.

He's got it all in his bank account.

Everything's in his name.
I can't get to it.

Your dad can.

- Mm?
- Your other dad.

He can get the money.

Whoa! Yes, yes, yes!
No, my... my other dad!

He can... he can get her money back,
can't he?

That's what it is.

Shit, man, I'm not sure how, like.

Is it cos...

It's your idea, innit?

It's her idea.

We'll get it.

Monkey cheese? ls... is that even a thing?

- Monkeys give milk to their young.
- (GROANING)

So, I guess you could make
cheese out of it.

Hold him, man!

Turn him round, man!

See, I wish Jess was here,

cos girls can intervene
in this kind of thing

without getting their heads kicked in.

Hey!

Why don't you just leave him
the fuck alone, yeah?

Are you talking to us?

Yeah, I'm talking to you.

Do you really think you're a big man cos
there's three of you taking on one kid?

Come on, come on.

He's joking, he's joking.
Hey, just live... live and let live.

(KNIFE CLICKS)

I'm gonna shank you!

Me? Why me? Shank him!

Finn?

Take one more step.

Do... Whoa!

What you gonna do, little man?

You want to see what I can do?

Show me.

You will shit in your pants.

- (LAUGHTER)
- Got jokes, innit?

(FINN GRUNTS)

What the fuck?

I'll see you around, innit?

Yeah. Whatever, mate.

(MUTTERING)

(YOUTHS LAUGH)

Sucker!

Where's the kid?

See, this is why you
shouldn't help people out.

Not so much as a... a "Thanks,
here's a 20, have a few drinks on me."

Just...

ungrateful little shit.

Stepping up like that, though,
that... that was kind of superhero.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

- Hi.
- Hello, Dad.

Rudy told me everything.

I'm so sorry for what he did to you.

I feel responsible.

It wasn't you.

It used to be. Part of me.

I'm sorry.

(# CHARLOTTE GAINSBOURG:
Got To Let Go)

# You say you've fallen in love
and can't let go

# There's only one thing
I think you should know... #

The things I did when he was inside me.

Lying, and cheating.

To think I could do that to your mum.

It would break her heart if she knew.

I know. We've all done
horrible shit, haven't we?

This was a good thing we did.
Weren't it?

Mm?

- What?
- (SNORTS)

- I'm proud of you.
- Huh.

I'm going fishing on Sunday.

Why don't you come round
and keep your mum company?

I'm sure she'll cook you a roast.

- Yeah?
- Bring someone. A girlfriend.

A boyfriend.

What d'you mean? No.
For fuck's sake, I'm not gay, Dad!

You might be.

- Oh...!
- Ha-ha!

#... You say you've fallen in love
and can't let go

# There's only one thing
I think you should know... #

It's you.

Were you... smelling me?

Mm.

I found your scarf in the toilets.

Thank you.
I thought I'd lost that. Thanks.

How do you smell so nice?

I don't know.

Perfume? Regular showering?

Yeah? Hm.

Can I get you a drink?

- On...
- It's OK.

I'm not going to drug you
and take you to my basement

and rape you with a massive strap-on.

I live in a flat,
and it doesn't have a basement.

I'm not being funny,
but you're really strange.

Mm. It's cos I don't know who I am.

What do you mean,
you don't know who you are?

Well, I lost my memory
in that weird freak storm.

I've tried to find out who I am,
but no-one's looking for me.

Maybe no-one ever cared about me.
I don't know.

# You've got to let go... #

I'm Laura.

I'm Abby,

and you are the nicest-smelling person
in the world.

# Yeah, you've got to let go... #

Hello, Geoff.

Can you smell that, man? That smells
like a brand-new day, that does.

It smells disgusting.
What have you been eating?

It smells like Dad, our dad, our real dad,
isn't a murderous woman-beater.

It smells like he uses his fists
for better things. Things like, erm...

(HE URINATES)

I can't really think of anything good
a fist is used for.

There is that certain section
of the, er...

lesbian community
that seem to enjoy it.

You got to admire their fortitude,
really, haven't you? Full fist.

Oh, mate, it smells like possibilities.

It smells like one of Mum's roast dinners.
Lamb or beef?

(WATER RUNS)

I'm gonna go with lamb. Baa!

I want... I want to meet 'em.

Eh?

I want to meet Mum and Dad...
as... as me, outside of you.

They're my parents as well.

I've got all the same feelings
and memories as you have, you know.

Look, they're not your parents.
Dude, Mum gave birth to me. Me.

You never even touched her vagina,

and I'll tell you something else,
you never will.

You never will touch it.

Strike that image.
Get rid of it. It's awful.

I... I just... I wanted to meet 'em.
I wanted to meet 'em as myself.

You know, and Dad's gonna understand.
He's been through the same thing. So...

What? And I suppose if Dad... Dad had
cancer, you'd want that too, would you?

- How have you got to cancer?
- Because that's what you are.

You're a friggin' horrible cancerous
tumor thing, just growing in...

You feed off me.

You just hold me back and stuff, don't ya?

Is that really...
Is that really how you see me?

Only sometimes,
when you're being a total dick.

Come on, man. Just forget about
all the silly nonsense about cancer.

Get in here and let's go. Come on, man.

Smell the lamb, smell it.

Or beef.

No. No, I either go as me,
or I'm not going at all.

Just have a little think about it,
cos,en"

No! Fuck off!
No roast dinner for you, moron.

But you can't... you can't deny me
for ever, you know.

Well, denied, mate.

(DOOR BANGS)

(TUTS) Oh, shit.

He'll be all right.

Oh, honestly, Mum, this is...
Oh, this is top-notch.

There's someone coming round later,
and I want you to meet 'em.

- PAT: Who is it?
- It's a bit of a surprise, actually.

(CUTLERY CLATTERS)

Rudy?

What is it?

It's nothing.

It's nothing. I'm... I'm all right.

Gonna get involved in a bit of this.

Mm.

Plenty of that.

Could I have some more mint sauce,
please, Mum?

- Haven't you got enough?
- Well,

you can never have enough mint sauce,
really, can you, with lamb?

Cheers... Thanks, Mum.

- (PAT CLEARS THROAT)
- Cheers.

What the friggin' hell are you doing here?

Me and your dad had an agreement.

We agreed to stay away from each other.

And then someone who looks like me walks
into the bank and clears my bank account.

He broke the agreement.
And now I'm breaking it, too.

What fucking agreem?
Oh, here she is.

Do you know... do you know what
I'd really like with this, right now?

It's gonna freak you out.
Horseradish sauce.

- What, with lamb?
- I know! Please. Yes, please.

It'd be awesome, cheers. It'd be nice,
it'd be just... just... that's all.

I'm just thinking, just to take the edge
off the mint. You know what I mean?

- Cheers, Mum. Ha-ha!
- OK.

Oh.

Get out now, dickhead.

- I'm not going anywhere.
- Fuck.

I'm very comfortable
in the bosom of my family.

It isn't your family!

Get the fuck out of my bosom, dickhead.

Oh, here she is.

Ooh, give me that, give me that.

Mm. Oh, yeah.

(CUTLERY CLINKS)

- (GLASS CLUNKS)
- Mustard?

- You won't be able to taste your food.
- Yeah, well, good. Cos it's disgusting.

- It disgusts me.
- Rudy? Don't be so rude.

Please can I just have
a little bit of mustard, please?

Sorry, Mum. Cheers, Mum.

Thank you.

You have got exactly three seconds
to get out of this house,

or I swear to God I will not be held
responsible for my actions, boyo.

One.

(WHISPERS) Fucking two.

Two and... and a half.

Two and three quarters.

Three. Dick.

Don't you fucking touch my mum. Seriously.
Don't you fucking touch my mum.

Oh, I'm gonna touch her.

I am gonna fuck her brains out.

And then I'm gonna take that pathetic
excuse for a man she calls a husband

and I'm gonna cave
his fucking skull in.

My dad? What have you done with my dad?

I am your dad.

If you say anything to your mum,
I'll hurt her.

I'll really hurt her.

- There's your mustard.
- RUDY: Give me that.

Give me that right now. Yes.

(SPOON CLINKS AGAINST JAR)

(COUGHS)

Can I have mine later, and maybe have
pudding now and have this later?

Not until you've finished
what's on your plate.

- Oh?
- Tuck in, son.

All right.

Mm, mm.

" Oh!
" Rudy?

- You're gonna make yourself sick.
- No, I won't.

It's delicious.

(COUGHS)

- Can I have some pudding, please?
- (SIGHS) Can't you wait?

No. Can't wait.

Can I just have a little bit
of ice cream, Mum? Please?

(CLEARS THROAT)

Oh...

- Where's Rudy?
- Oh, he's gone. Huh!

Said he wasn't feeling well.
I think it was all that mustard. Ha-ha!

Do you know, I said to him
he was gonna make himself sick.

- Heh-heh-heh. Ah.
- on.

You look beautiful today.

Let's go to bed.

(THEY CHUCKLE)

(CHUCKLING)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

(BIRDSONG)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

- (TAPPING)
- (SHE GASPS)

(TAPPING)

(GROANS)

Oh! Oh.

Shit.

Oh, fuck!

- Oh, no!
- Rudy!

- Get off my mum!
- Rudy! Rudy! What are you doing?

- It's not Dad! It's not Dad!
- He's gone mental again!

Stop it! Rudy, stop it!

Geoff! Geoff! No!

- Oh!
- Geoff! Look, you've hurt him!

(SNIGGERS)

Geoff? Geoff, what are you doing?

The little shit
needs to learn some respect.

Geoff! Don't you touch him!

- Aah!
- No, no, no!

- Mum! Mum! Mum!
- (GASPING)

GEOFF: I know what you need, both of you.

You need a fucking good beating.

- Aah!
- Whoa!

- Are you all right?
- Yeah.

- What is going on?
- It isn't Dad!

That's not Dad. Yeah, it is.
It is Dad, but it's not.

It's just... It's better
if Dad explains it, Mum. Christ.

- And who are you?
- Er...

That's Jessica, my girlfriend, Mum.

Mum, this is Jessica.
Jessica, this is my mum.

Hi.

(GROANING)

He told me everything.

All the flings. All the affairs.

There's nothing you can say to hurt me.

You come anywhere near my husband
or my son again, and I'll kill you.

It's so nice to finally meet
one of Rudy's girlfriends.

- We thought he was gay.
- Rudy?

Gay?

(LAUGHING) He's a total slag.

Errn... not... not a slag.

I mean... I mean, he's lovely.

(LAUGHS) Yes.

- She's lovely.
- Yeah, she is.

She's very lovely indeed, actually.

She's...

- Are you in love with her?
- Whoa! No, shut up, Dad.

No, I'm not in love with her.
Listen to me, seriously.

Jess is only here
pretending to be my girlfriend

so that you and Mum
don't think I'm a gaylord.

Oh, right. Whatever you say.

Huh. Knob.

(SIGHS)

# It's a little-known fact

# When I think of us then... #

Do you want to say something?

You don't have to.

Hi.

My name's Sam.

I can fly.

FINN: He made me sing with him,

in what can only be described
as a very rapey duet.

Dance with me.

RUDY: I need to speak to ya!

About a jumper!

Has anyone seen Abby?

I'm holding each and every one of you
personally responsible for her.

YOUNG LAURA: Scary's coming.