Misfits (2009–2013): Season 3, Episode 2 - Episode #3.2 - full transcript

This new power, it's rubbish.

But you're a rocket scientist.

Yeah, and you're a dick.

CURTIS: I'm not a cheat.
That stuff in the papers was bullshit.

They said, cos of my profile,

they needed to send a message.

This turning into a girl thing, is that
born out of some sort of sexual confusion?

They all got their powers before me!
That was all they had left.

So this girl he turns into,
would you fuck her?

We've never seen her.

- (SIREN BLARES)
- Shit!



We can't get caught in no nicked car,
we're all on probation.

That didn't take you long, did it?

Congratulations.

(INAUDIBLE)

What d'you say?

I said, "Do you miss it?"

The running?

Ain't nothing I can do about it, is there?

Why are you even asking?

You're in a good mood(!)

(it THE RAPTURE'. Echoes)

# "The city breathing, the people churning"

# "The conversating"

# "The price is what?"



# "The conversating"

# "This place is heaven"

# "And if you see them"

# "They say what?" #

Hey, you ran 11.9.
That's quick. Very quick.

Who's your coach?

- I haven't got one.
- Well, you should have one.

Think about what you could achieve
with some proper training.

I just want to run.
I'm not interested in anything else.

OK. It's your call.

- Hi.
- Hi.

I'm Emma.

And you're?

Melissa.

I'm one of the losers
you thrashed out there.

Looks like we'll have to up our game.

I should go.

(WHISTLES)

Toilet's out of order.

So you piss in a sink?

Yeah, I was gonna piss in, like,
a bottle or in a vending machine.

This just seemed more civilised.

I am not a complete caveman!

Oh!

Ah, do we know each other?

I don't think so.

Well, that is a tragedy.

We should really do something
about that.

Move!

Imagine being up to your balls in that.

What can I get you?

Vodka and coke. Double.

You're Curtis Donovan, aren't you?

I'm doing the training camp
down at the community centre.

Saw you doing community service.

Right.

So is that for the drugs?

Nah.

It's for something else.

That's four quid.

This is gonna make me
sound totally sad, but...

I used to love to watch you run.

You were so focused,
like there was nothing else.

(CHUCKLES) It's not cool,
I know. I said it.

Thanks.

I thought you'd be off the alcohol
and that, since you're training.

You sound like my coach.

He says I've got to take
my running more seriously.

Ah, I remember that! It's like
your whole life becomes the training.

You sound like you enjoyed it.

You're one of those people.

What do you call them?
They get off on being spanked.

Perverts?

No. Masochists.

I'm not saying you
do like being spanked.

Or maybe you do!

I'm not sure
where I was going with that one!

Where are you staying?

Some student halls of residence.

So what is there to do round here?

You should do the Lottery.

Use your power. See the numbers.

Take their trousers down,
we'll stick it to 'em, split it 50/50.

Why should I split it with you?

Because it was my idea, you!

I'm the brains, you're the stare.

OK. 60/50.

(CHUCKLES) It's supposed to add up to
100.

Whoa, don't even think
about screwing me, sweet cheeks!

70/40. Final offer.

I don't get to choose what I see.

Ah!

Fine! 80/30. But I feel like I'm being
raped here, and not in a good way.

- What are you smiling at?
- What? Am I not allowed to smile?

You look like you just got laid.

Have you just had a shag?

Something like that.

Who's the lucky girl?

You don't know her.

Piece of shit!

Won't start. I don't know
why I opened the bonnet.

- I don't know what I'm looking at.
- D'you want me to take a look?

What, you know about cars?

Well, I know about electronics, cos
I'm a fucking rocket scientist, aren't I?

Try it now.

(ENGINE STARTS)

Thanks. You want a lift?

Look, you've already
undermined my masculinity.

At least let me drive you somewhere.
Get in.

- Where to?
- There.

Thanks for the lift.

Any time. I owe you.

Well, you can give us
a new power if you want.

I don't owe you that much.

Right, see you around.

D'you mind if I run with you?

Yeah, I do.

You, er, fancy going for a drink sometime?

How about dinner? Hm?

Please yourself.

I'll catch you on the next lap, yeah?

You look like you had a late one.

You'll never guess who I met last night.

Who?

Curtis Donovan. D'you remember him?

Sprinting guy that got banned.
It was a drugs thing.

Right. So what's he like?

Well, I thought he was cute.

Then we went back to his...

CURTIS: By the time my ban's over,
it'll be too late.

No decent coach
is gonna want to work with me.

And all the guys I trained with,
I was way better than them.

He was so negative about everything.
Talk about feeling sorry for yourself!

Running's the only thing
I was ever really... really good at.

It was the only thing that made me
feel good about myself.

It's like he blames everyone else
for what's happened to him.

I had to kiss him just to shut him up!

I ended up giving him a sympathy shag.

What do you mean?

Big mistake.

The guy is clueless.

It was some of the worst sex
I have ever had.

(LAUGHS)

I have to warm down.

Good work today.

Hi. Walking back to the community centre?

- I'll walk with you.
- What d'you want?

I want you to come for a drink with me.

Just one drink.

I'm not interested, OK?

You don't know what you're missing.
I know how to please a woman.

Take your fucking hand off my arse
before I break it!

Oh, my mistake.

Lesbian.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Look, about last night...

It's all right.

We were both drunk.
Let's just forget it ever happened.

I should go and get changed.

Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!

Oh, that were brutal, weren't it?

That were like watching someone
fist a baby lamb.

She just took a huge shit in your mouth!

Shut the fuck up, man!

All right.

Look, it... you know,
it happens to all of us.

Women are cruel and insensitive,
and they are hurtful.

But they're so beautiful.

They smell really nice.
They smell like...

...toffee apples.

Goon

(WHISTLES)

Can I ask you something?

When we were together, was I...

What?

...was I... all right?

You know, sex stuff?

We couldn't actually
touch each other, so...

No, no, no. What we could do.

Was I shit?

No.

That's one of those nos
that means yes.

"No!" Fucking yes!

- What are you saying?
- I haven't said anything.

Yeah, but you were thinking it.
Say it. Go on, I want to hear it.

No, you don't!

Wait...!

Is he better than me?

What, him? He's better than me?!

Er, don't talk about him like that!

Oh, man!

When we're doing it, he's focused on me.

What, and I wasn't?

No, you just spent a lot of time
watching yourself.

- That's bullshit!
- Oh, really?

Look, you were like this.

(MOANS SOFTLY)

You done?

Look, this is the reason
that girls don't tell boys this stuff.

Their egos can't take it.

Oh, so that's another thing
that's wrong with me?

Oh, here we go!

What is that supposed to mean?

Sometimes it's like there's this big
fucking cloud just hanging over your head.

There ain't no cloud!

Oh, really? (SUCKS TEETH)
"My life's shit! Everything's shit!"

"I shouldn't even be here!"

Look, if you don't want to hear it,
don't ask.

# "Boom chakka, uh takka takka
Boom chakka"

# "Uh takka takka
Boom chakka..." #

- on!
- #... "Uh takka takka"

# "Boom chakka, uh uh"
Boom chakka, uh uh

# "I'm putting out fires all over the place"

# "I guess it knocked me sideways"

# "Oh"

# "She make me go... #

Ah! Ah!

Ah!

#... "Uh" uh... #

D'you want to go out tonight?

It'll be fun!

I haven't got anything to wear.

I'll lend you something.
About the same size.

Come on!

Go out with me.

All right.

Guys, drugs test.

I'm gonna need a urine sample
from both of you.

Oh, shit!

Oh, fuck!

Oh!

(TOILET FLUSHES)

I had some trouble with my aim.

(CAR DOOR OPENS)

Come here.

Where are you going?

ALISHA: What's he doing?

KELLY: I don't know.

So d'you wanna tell me what's going on?

Why are we following him?

KELLY: Cos I wanna know what he's doing.

Kelly!

What's going on?

Oh, my God.

You fancy him, don't you?

You totally fancy him.

Shut up!

He is really fit.

So who's the dead girl, then?

What are you doing?

That's Curtis's locker.

It's me. Curtis.
This is how I look when I'm a girl.

What are you doing?

I'm running again.

You're running?

Like this?

It's the only way I can compete.
You can't tell anyone.

Not even Alisha.

Come on, man. I need this.

(SIGHS) All right.

Do me a favour.

Zip me UP-

I dunno how you're supposed to
do these things up yourself.

It's fucking weird, man.

Don't tell anyone about this, yeah?

(# DIGITALISM: Pogo)

# "Yeah, whoa-oh"

# "The sun is in the air"

# "The sun is in the air"

# "The sun is in the air..." #

Hi!

It looks better on you
than it does on me!

Let's get a drink.

(INAUDIBLE)

#...Now where has it been?

# "I mean, the good old wild days"

# "Became a bit too lame"

# "Just take a look at my place"

# "it's such a mess"

# "But I'll be outta this space
as soon as... #

Are you bringing anyone
to the party tomorrow?

No.

I can't believe
you don't have a boyfriend.

You're so beautiful.

I don't really have time,
with all the training and everything.

Are you gay?

Why d'you say that?

I see how you look at me.

It's like how a boy looks at me
when he wants to get into my knickers.

I like it.

Have you ever been with a girl before?

It's OK.

I'll show you what I like.

(BREATHES HEAVILY)

(GASPS)

(GASPS RAPIDLY)

Ah! Ah!

Ah...

(PANTS)

Being out with her,
it's like we... we connected.

We just talked.

There was no bullshit. Like...

I could just be myself.

But you weren't yourself.

She's not interested in me as a guy.
I tried that.

It's different.

Maybe I'm different.

Why can't it be like that with...
with her when I'm me?

We think differently to them.

Girls.

That's not all.

The sex...

You ain't lived
until you've had a multiple orgasm.

Guys are getting short-changed.
Ours is all, "Uh! Pth."

Theirs...

The slow build-up, then it's like...

...all over your body,
like, ha, waves of pleasure.

Are you a lesbian?

What? No! No.

When I'm her, I'm still me and...

and I like girls, so...

- I guess she does too.
- So she is a lesbian?

I don't think
there's an official term for this shit.

So what are you going to do?

I don't wanna stop seeing her.

(VENDING MACHINE CLATTERS)

- Hi.
- Hi.

How I was with you...
the other night...

...being all negative.

That's not how I want to be.

I guess I need to work some shit out.

I'm sorry.

Hiya.

I hear you girls are having
a bit of a party tonight. I was, er...

thinking we should probably go together.

I'm already going.

And I will see you there.

I am definitely in there, mate.

And the nice thing is,
she's seen me cock

and she's still up for it, so...

How come she's seen your cock?

She caught me pissing in the sink.
It's all worked out very nicely.

Mm!

Hey.

What?

Nothing.

OK, I'll see you later.

MARK: Is that painful?

I've just tweaked a muscle.

Let me take a look.

You're very tight.

That muscle's all knotted.

Can't have you cramping up, now,
can we?

Ah!

You OK?

Yeah.

It feels better. I'm gonna take a shower.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYS)

Mel? Hi. Drink?

Goon

Enjoy yourself. Relax.

- No training tomorrow.
- Thanks.

So, listen, I was thinking,

we should talk about fixing you up
with some more training.

One on one. I think
you could really benefit from it.

OK, yeah.

You know, maybe we should go somewhere
a bit quieter and talk about it properly.

Can we talk about this some other time?

Thanks for the drink.

Hey! You made it.

Why are you looking at my tits?

I know! They're just there, aren't they?

They're very nice, they're perky.
It's a reflex.

Drink up. We're dancing.

You go and have yourself a little dance,
I'll get you a drink in.

Oh, yeah.

(INAUDIBLE)

(MUSIC DISTORTS)

(SCRAPING)

(DISTORTED) Are you all right?

I need some air.

How much have you had to drink?

I'm gonna take you home, OK?

I'm gonna get a number for a taxi.
Don't move.

(MOANING)

You all right, love?

(Mo/ms)

Eh?

You all right?

Kiss me.

Are you...
are you sure that's a good idea?

It's just you seem a little bit out of it,
that's all, and... Oh!

Ohh, OK!

(MUSIC THUMPS)

Yeah. Yeah, I'll wait outside.

(Mo/ms)

Emma?

What are you doing?

(SPITS)

I'm, er... I'm pleasuring you.

It's not generally
a spectator sport, is it?

I thought it was you!

Is that why you were calling me Emma?

- Emma
- (DOOR SLAMS)

Wait!

(GAGS)

Got one of your pubic hairs
stuck in me throat here.

Hey, are you all right?

Whoa.

I need to find Emma.

OK. We'll find her.

Come on.

Just relax.

Ugh!

(PANTS)

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Can I come in?

Are you all right?

You know
when you think you know someone...

and they turn out
to be something different?

Fuck it. I don't wanna think about it.

So what have you been up to?

Nothin'. Just hanging out.

Oh...

I don't think you really want this.

Put your clothes on.

What is your problem?

Do you really wanna have sex with me,

or is this just some kind of revenge fuck?
Cos I don't want that.

You don't need to do this.

Put your clothes on.

I was wrong about you.

Have I messed things up?

No.

This is my dress.

Why have you got my dress?
I lent this to Mel.

You're shagging her, aren't you?

- No, no, it's not what you think it is.
- So what is it, then?

How did this get here?

You're such a fucking prick.

Wait, wait!

Emma.

Fuck!

Emma found the dress she lent me.
She thinks I'm shagging Mel.

She thinks you're shagging Mel?

No. She thinks Curtis is shagging Mel.

But I thought you were
sleeping with Emma?

I was, but then Emma came round
last night. She made a pass at me.

She made a pass at you?

No, she made a pass at Curtis.

Isn't that what you wanted?

Yeah, but then she found the dress
she lent me.

Now she thinks
Mel's cheating on her, with me.

So who's with Emma?

No-one. She thinks I'm fucking myself!

I'm gonna get dressed, yeah?

MARK: Hey.

Listen, um, about last night.
I guess we were both just really drunk.

I only had that one drink-
that you gave me.

Well, maybe it was just me, then.

Seemed like there was some
really weird shit was going on.

I think it would be best
if neither of us said anything about it.

If we both just forget about it, yeah?

What's going on with you and Simon?

What? Nothing.

That's my mate's boyfriend,
so you stay away from him.

- It's me...
- What's all that?

- Nothing.
- Yeah, it had better be nothing.

ALISHA: What's going on?

It looks like she's after your boyfriend.

Fuck knows why.

That's bullshit.

Then how come I seen him
zipping your dress up?

And you were sticking your arse
in his face and jiggling your tits.

- Is that true?
- It's not what you think.

What is going on?!

(HAWKS) This, here, is your fault.

Were you flirting with him?

No.

Get your own boyfriend, you slut.

I'm not a slut!

You're fucking Curtis Donovan, aren't you?

- No.
- You're shagging Curtis now?

It isn't like that.

Emma!

Ohm

- She's got an attitude on her.
- I've got an attitude?

You can't even talk to me
without staring at my tits.

You had your hands all over my arse.

I was just being friendly.

And you ask before you touch.

All the groping and staring -
the sleazy chat-up lines.

You have no idea
what it's like to be a woman.

What?!

I think you've got your period.

No-one needs to see that.

- It's Curtis.
-Hm?

The girl.

It's Curtis.

(HE RETCHES)

Are you kidding?

(RUDY RETCHES)

- What is wrong with you?
- Nothing... wrong.

KELLY: Curtis?

I know it's you. Are you all right?

Oh, yeah. I'm great(!)

D'you need a tampon?

D'you need me to show you
how to shove it up there?

I'm good, thanks.

You need to put them
on a hot wash, mate.

So what are you going to do?

I'm gonna tell Emma.

Ain't nothing else I can do.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

- Hey.
- Are you all right?

Yeah, I just thought
you were gonna be someone else.

Oh. Listen, before you go,

we should really talk about fixing you up
with some more training.

You know, one on one.

(KNOCKS ON DOOR)

Emma?

KATIE: Hi!

Urn, I'm looking for Emma.

She's out for a drink with her coach.

Just relax.

Ahh!

Oh!

What the fuck is going on?
How did I get here?

Mark spiked you.

Don't worry, I stopped him
before he really did anything.

Where is he?

He's tied up in the boot of the car.

Did the same to me last night.

Spiked me.

That's why I was so out of it.

What are you talking about?

There's something I need to show you.

Curtis isn't shagging me.

He isn't cheating on you,
and neither am I.

This is... totally insane.

I just wanted to run.

To feel it again. To feel...

...good about myself.

Being her, it...

...it was the only way I could do it.

I never meant for any of this to happen...

...to hurt you.

Thought I wanted it more than anything.

It's not worth this.

I need to find something else
that makes me feel like that.

(BANGING)

What should we do with him?

(SCREAMS)

(RUDY COUGHS)

It was you - you've done this to me.

No-one needs to know about that.

And next time you find a girl unconscious,
you don't touch her. You get it?

I was checking on you. Hm?
It was you that was all grabbing me,

nuh-nuh-nuh, kissing me and pushing me
head down. I don't even like doing that.

So who's the real victim here?

You never heard the saying,
"no means no"?

Yeah, but you didn't say no.
You said, "Suck my nipples."

I was spiked.
I thought you were someone else.

You didn't think it was strange
when I started calling you Emma?

People say all kinds of weird shit
during sex.

I was fucking this bird this one time,
right, I'm about to blow my load,

and I went, "Auntie!"

What's that all about?

You should've known.

You never look a gift horse
in the mouth, do you?

That's one fine looking gift horse
you've got there.

(RETCHES AND COUGHS) Oh!

(COUGHS)

Ooh, I've got it.

- KELLY: Eugh, is that a pube?
-Mmm!

D'you want it back?

(LAUGHS) Did you?

For a bloke, he's got a lovely pussy.

Fuck it.

ALISHA: Why are you so obsessed with
becoming him?

I have to save you.

But if you become him,
you're gonna leave me.

- You're the guy in the mask!
- You can't tell anyone.

- You have a future self?
- It's my destiny.

That is so fucking cool.

Being a superhero and having a girlfriend,
they don't mix.

Where the fuck have you been
the past few weeks?

I don't know what's going on!

Simon, wait!

One day you'll come to see
that I did it all for you.