Misfits (2009–2013): Season 3, Episode 3 - Episode #3.3 - full transcript

What the fuck is going on?

Since when did you
run around jumping off buildings?

Ever since I travelled back
from the future.

- So what happens now?
- You fall in love with me.

You can't die, I love you.

I'll still be here.

Where did you get that?

The guy in the mask.

- Who is he?
- It's you.

All that matters is us. Here, now.

(# JIMI HENDRIX: Stone Free)



# "Uh, turn me loose, baby..." #

MAN: Give me your phone!

Come on, come on,
I ain't got all fucking day.

Come on!

Give it over.

Fuckin' hurt you, man.

Who the fuck are you?

Let him go.

Stay there.

What's with the mask?

Look at this shit.

You look like a dick.

Uh!

Ahh!



Let's have a look at you.

Ahh!

You're a superhero.

I know you can't tell me who you are.

That's why you have a secret identity,
right?

Look“.

It's a bit cheesy, but...

can I get a photograph of us together?

Oh.

Oh, shit, it's broken.

What happened?

Someone stamped on my hand.

(it THE RAPTURE'. Echoes)

# "The city breathing"

# "The people churning"

# "The conversating"

# "The price is what?"

# "The conversating"

# "This place is heaven"

# "And if you see them." #

I did it.

I actually saved someone...

I didn't think I could do it.

Yeah, well you could have been
seriously hurt.

If I don't take risks, I'll never learn.

I'll never become him.

Why are you so obsessed
with becoming him?

I have to save you.

You don't have to do anything,
you already saved me.

I'll always save you.

It's like you're excited about it.

If you become him,
you're going to leave me.

You're gonna travel back in time
and you're gonna die.

And if I don't become him
and travel back in time,

you're going to die.

I can't die in the past
if I'm alive in the present.

I don't know anything about this
Terminator time travel bullshit,

but even I know that!

You're going to stay here with me, because
you can dress it up anyway you like,

but if you travel back in time,
you're dumping me, and I don't get dumped.

So, it's not going to happen, OK?

I didn't mean to upset you.

Sorry.

How does it feel?

It hurts.

Good.

Look!

What's going on?

Probation worker told us
to put 'em out or some bollocks.

I think we're playing Musical Chairs, man.

Yeah, seems likely.

Probation worker's big on party games.

Maybe he's changed?

Right, you sacks of shit, here they are.

Who are they?

Another bunch of fuck-ups.

Right, everyone grab a seat.

The sooner we start,
the sooner we can all fuck off.

What is this?

It's called preventative intervention.

Sounds kinky, doesn't it?

Oh! Jesus...

OK, they're gonna tell you how
they fucked up and you're gonna tell them

how not to fuck up again so they don't
end up as big a fuck-ups as you.

Think you can manage that?

Who's he calling a fuck-up, there?

Right, who's first?

You, you're up.

Well, come on.

- My name's P...
- No-one cares.

Just get on with it.

There's this girl I like,
she was in a club. I...

...I pretended to steal her handbag.

Why would you pretend
to steal her handbag?

So I could give it back to her.

Cos girls love it
when you steal their bags, yeah?

Do you want me to read it from the file,
cos it's all in here?

I thought if I stole it and said that
I caught the guy that took it...

(YAWNING AND STRETCHING)

Oooh!

Sorry, mate, go on. I thought he'd
finished, I thought he'd finished.

Saying something about a chicken
or sommat...

No.

Why would I be daydreaming
about a chicken?

Come on.

I'm dying to hear how
this thrilling story ends.

I thought if I got her her bag back...

I thought...

I thought I'd be a hero.

Jesus Christ.

Right, whatever.

Any pearls of wisdom for him?
Knock him out.

Er, don't go round stealing
other people's handbags.

Brilliant.

Right, you're done.

OK, Tubs, you're next.

It won't be like this for ever.

You'll meet a girl who likes you,

you won't have to steal her bag.

You're the guy in the mask!

I don't know what you're talking about.

It's you, I recognise your voice,
the cut on your hand...

You can't tell anyone.

No-one can know.

(WHISPERS) I won't.

I won't tell anyone.

How did you become a superhero?
I want to know everything.

We should go for a beer.

That isn't a good idea.

I think it's best you just forget
you ever met me.

Oh-ho-ho, hey!

Ho-ho-ho, brilliant!

Glad you and your boyfriend are finished.

Hope you washed your hands,

and your genitals!

- I'm not gay.
- Hmm...

So you were showing each other your cocks
because?

We were just... looking...

At each other's cocks.

It's a perfect... Oh!

It's a perfectly natural,

everyday part of being a gay man.

It's like window shopping.

(WHISPERS) Window shopping.

We didn't have sex, I'm not gay.

I didn't say anything.

- What's this?
- I don't know, what is that?

What is it?

It's fucking.

Is it?

Ha-ha!

Hi.

Hey.

I bought my first Superman comic
when I was five.

And after that I was hooked.

My life was so boring and normal.

Suddenly there were all these
incredible people

with these amazing powers
doing incredible things.

I used to spend hours making up stories,
doing the artwork.

I've always been obsessed
with superheroes.

Now I've actually met one.

I'm not sure I'm really a superhero.

You wear a costume
and you jump off buildings.

And you save people from muggers.
Trust me, that makes you a superhero.

Most people would think I was a freak.

Those people are idiots.

They don't understand what it means
to be prepared to risk your life.

To be prepared to die
for what you believe in.

Would you like to be my best friend?

Great.

What's up with him?

He thinks he's got cancer.

Wait, if he has cancer,
won't you have cancer?

No, because he doesn't have cancer.

Honestly, there's something new every
week, he's like the boy who cried tumour.

I have a lump, feel it!

I don't really wanna finger-fuck your
armpit, I think I'm gonna pass on that.

No, don't...

You, stop it!

Oh!

Who the fuck is this?

It's me auntie, who do you think it is?

You've got a twin brother?

Well, nowt's getting past you,
is it, today?

Check out the big brains
on probation worker, here!

Why's he wearing a jumpsuit?

Because... sometimes...

I do my community service,
sometimes he does it.

We like to mix things up.

Keeps it interesting.

This isn't a job share.

Whoever does the crime
does the boring mindless shit.

I have a question, right.

What if we're conjoined twins, yeah, with
our heads - they're all mashed together-

and we go out on the town for a few beers.

Some bloke sees us and he's like,

"Oi, you two-headed fuck."

And he flips out, goes mental
and batters the guy.

Who does the community service, then?

Cos they are conjoined.

Like, one massive head...

but with two personalities.

We'll cross that bridge
when we come to it.

All right.

I'm going to pretend like I never saw
this, because I really can't be arsed.

Just make sure one of you turns up.

Oh, man! That's insane.

The old conjoined twins mind-fuck,
works every time, doesn't it?

What you doing?

I'm just talking to Peter.

Why?

What do you mean?

Why were you talking to him?

He's my friend.

He's your friend?

I do have friends, you know.

Yeah, I know, I didn't mean it like that.

Well, what you doing later?
I'm going to hang out with Peter.

OK.

I was gonna see some friends anyway, so...

You have a secret lair?

This is totally superhero.

How did you find this place?

I didn't find it.
It was my future self, he lived here.

You have a future self?

Tell me everything!

He's chasing Alisha through the warehouse.

He catches her
and he's pointing a gun at her.

I'm just waiting up on the roof.

I jump as he pulls the trigger.

I die saving her.

You die?

Well, if you know it's going to happen,
why don't you wear a bullet-proof vest?

Because if the future me doesn't die,

she'll never fall in love with me
as I was then, in the present.

And if she doesn't fall in love with me,
I'll never become my future self.

And if I don't become him,

I won't be able to save her,
and she'll never fall in love with me.

It all has to happen,

exactly like it happened.

It's my destiny.

That is so fucking cool.

What are you doing?

Why is that out?

I was just showing it to Peter.

- You told him?
- It was Peter I saved from the mugger.

He recognised me.

What, so you just tell him everything?

It's OK, I won't tell anyone.

This has got nothing to do with you.

Can you just leave?

Go!

I think you should probably go.

ALISHA: Why are you telling him
all this stuff?

SIMON: He's my friend.

ALISHA: He's not your friend,
you only just met him!

We've talked about this! I don't want
to see that fucking suit ever again.

Do you want any toast?

I have to face my destiny alone.

OK, is that before or after
you have breakfast?

Being a superhero is a heavy burden.

So now you're calling yourself
a superhero?

Right.

I have to terminate our relationship.

What? Why are you talking like that?

I have to sacrifice our love
for the greater good.

What the fuck has got into you,
where's all this coming from?

Goodbye, Alisha.

Where are you going,
you can't just walk away.

Simon!

What the fuck are you doing?

One day, you'll come to see that
I did it all for you.

Simon, wait!

Simon?

What did he say, exactly?

He was talking shit.

Like, saying we can't be together.

Everything was fine,
it's like it's just come out of nowhere.

What's going on, you all right?

Her and Simon have split up.

What? I thought you two
were well loved up.

- Yeah, so did I.
- RUDY: Oh...

Oh.

What?

I can't, I can't tell you.

Tell me what?

The other day I walked in on Simon,

shy, stealing-handbag kid,
they were in the toilet...

I can't tell you! Can't!

What is it?

They were showing each other their cocks.

That's bullshit.

No, I think I know what two blokes
in a public toilet look like,

showing each other their knobs.

All I'm saying is maybe your boyfriend
is a proud, beautiful gay man.

He likes to rub and touch
other men's penises...

No, he's not gay,
he's the best shag I ever had.

Oh, just pretend I'm not here, yeah?

You know, I've got a lot more control
since. That was my first time,

I'm in full control of me ejaculate now.

All blokes say that.

Next thing you know, you've got come
all over your face and in your hair.

That's a lovely image.

He's not gay!

I'm not saying you turned him,
but maybe you did.

You're deflecting, it's all right,
take it out on your Uncle Rudy. Do it!

Jesus“.

What the fuck is your problem?

- She's deflecting.
- RUDY: Jesus!

Did he tell you he split up with me?

I'm sure you're really
happy about that.

You've got your little friend
all to yourself now.

Being a superhero
and having a girlfriend...

They don't mix.
They never have.

Very few superheroes
have successful relationships.

He's not a superhero.
He's my boyfriend.

He was your boyfriend.

Fuck you, you little prick!

What's that?

Are you obsessed with him
or something?

- What else have you got here?
- Get off!

What is this?

Have you done something to him?

What's going on?

The kid from yesterday, I think
he's done something to Simon.

# "Can you feel it coming?"

# "Woo! Can you feel it coming?"

# "Woo! Can you feel it coming?" #

Where's Alisha?

She said she'd meet us here.

(ON RADIO) # "I'm gonna play in my car"

# "I'm gonna walk nine yards..." #

You can buy us a drink if you want.

I could do that.

What d'you want?

A pint of lager.

The expensive, French stuff.

A pint of lager.
The expensive French stuff.

And a gin and tonic, please.

(LAUGHS) A gin and tonic?

- I can't drink lager, it's too gassy.
- Are you for real?

Sure you don't want
a little pink umbrella in it?

What's wrong with gin and tonic?

It's what my nan drinks.

Well, maybe me and your nan
should go out some time. Cheers.

The last bloke she was seeing
fell over and broke his hip.

She's on the market.

What about you?

I'm not seeing anyone.

How about you?

I'll tell my nan you're available.

You do that.

(DOOR OPENS)

What's going on?

The usual shit.

I don't know what I did with my life
before these powers came along.

You probably hung out in bars,

drinking expensive French lager,
talking to good-looking guys.

Something like that.

ALISHA: Kelly.

Thanks for the drink.

Any time.

You made Simon break up with me,
didn't you?

I had to.

You don't understand.

It all has to happen.

We ain't debating it with you.
It's over.

Yeah, so you either play ball,
or you play hardball.

What does that even mean?

Hardball. It's like a threat, isn't it?
I'm threatening him with physical...

Whoa!

I don't want to hurt you,
but I fucking will.

It all has to happen like this.

Where the fuck have you been
the past few weeks?

Who's he?

He's this guy. He shows up sometimes

and helps us out with shit.

Right. Well, it's nice to meet you,
man. I'm Rudy and I'm new.

Doesn't say much, does he?

Now you're here,

you can help us kick the shit
out of that little prick.

Kelly, don't. Just leave it, yeah?

- You're protecting him now, yeah?
- This is bullshit. Come here.

What the fuck just happened?

I thought he was supposed
to be on our side?

I have never even met the guy!

I am... I am... I am new.

I don't know what's going on.

What's going on? Anyone? No?

When I see that fucker in the mask,
I'm going to beat the shit out of him.

Ah, the guy in the mask.

I think I know who he is.
I know who he is.

Who is it?

It's the probation worker.

The probation worker?

Yeah, cos that would be fucking
ridiculous, wouldn't it, eh?

Because he wouldn't piss on us
if we were on fire,

and if he was really desperate...
for a piss.

Well, it's definitely not him,
is it?

D'you want to stay over at mine?

Maybe we should all stay over?

Fuck off.

Another time maybe.

KELLY: I'll have to pick that up later.

Pick it up, then.

Seriously?

Use a bin.

Sorry.

Sorry that I had to leave the other night.

Maybe we could do it again
some other time?

Um, I'm kinda busy.

What? You're busy all the time?

Look, I can't see you like that.

What is it with you?
Yesterday, you're buying me drinks,

talking flirty shit about my nan.
And now you're too busy?

I'm sorry.

Has this got something to do
with the dead girl at the cemetery?

How d'you know about that?

I saw you leave flowers on her grave.

And, yeah, I followed you cos I fancy ya.
Let's just stop all the bullshit.

Who is she?

She's my girlfriend. Or...

...she was my girlfriend.

What happened?

She died.

A drugs overdose.

Before the storm,

I was a regular dealer.
I gave her the gear...

I could've stopped her.
She fucking OD'd and it's my fault.

I'm sorry, yeah.

But she's dead.
There isn't anything you can do about it.

I still love her.

I'm sorry.

I never meant to mess you about.

# "Well, I own this field"

# "And I wrote this sky"

# "And I have no reason
to reason with you..." #

I don't think he's showing up.

This reminds me of when
I met this girl, right?

And we go back to her flat
and we spent the most

amazing night together.

I was head over heels. I loved her,
more than I ever thought

it was possible to love another
human being. Right, anyway,

in the morning, I had to go court
and she makes me promise

that I'd come back. So when I were done,

I rushed all the way back to her flat
and she's not there.

I wait and I wait.
But she never comes.

Right? I went back to that flat
every single day for a month.

Sometimes twice,
even three times a day. But...

But she was gone, so...

- You ever find out what happened to her?
- Oh, no, nothing happened to her, man.

It turned out I'd been going
to the wrong flat.

That is fucking heart-breaking,
innit? Come on, it's all right.

Oh, piss off!

All right. Fair enough. Look,
but don't touch. I hear you, sweetheart.

I'm going to see where he is.

SIMON: I love the sequence
when his arm gets ripped off.

He's with the weird kid,
looking at comics in our flat.

Very romantic!

Oh, no, we've moved on from all
the cheap innuendo about his sexuality.

Go on, carry on, I'm listening now.
What is the plan?

(BURGLAR ALARM RINGS)

Oh, shit.

It's all right.

I can handle this.

I done a BTEC in computer science.

(MORE ALARMS RING)

- What are you doing!?
- I'm trying to turn off the alarm.

Oh, that's a shame.
That's a shame, it's broken.

Is that what they taught you
on your BTEC in computer science?

- I never said I passed it.
- ALISHA: Get out the way.

(ALARM STOPS)

- You're a fucking rocket scientist.
- Yes, I fucking am.

This guy really needs
to get out more.

Try some internet dating...

...or a salsa class.
I've heard they're...

We're not here to sort out
his social life, are we?

I told you,

whatever he draws,
it actually happens.

Rip them up. Maybe that'll stop it.

Are you OK?

I'm fine.

I'll see you later?

Alisha?

(DOOR OPENS)

I split up with you.

Why would I do that?

What was I thinking?

Look at you.

I want you back.

Let's get back together.

Can we do that?

Don't say no. Please don't say no.

It was Peter's drawings.
Whatever he drew, it came true.

He made you break up with me.

I hurt you.

It wasn't your fault.

I'm so sorry.

I know what you did.

I was just trying to help you.

How can you say that?
You manipulated me.

Alisha doesn't want you to be
who you need to become.

She doesn't understand.

I did it for both of you.

You made me split up with her.

I had to do it.

You told me. You told me
if you don't go back in time,

she'll never fall in love with you.

And if she doesn't
fall in love with you...

Well, you won't do
what you have to do.

You know it better than I do.

Maybe I was wrong.

I thought I had to become him
to protect Alisha.

All I did was hurt her.

I know you can do it.
You can save her.

You're a superhero.

It's your destiny.

I'm not a superhero.

They're a fantasy.

It's your fantasy,

not mine.

I won't ever leave her.

So which one of you is it today?

I'm the good-looking one.

You're both equally fuck ugly
as far as I can see.

Right. I pity you, mate.

Your anger. Your bitterness.

Your hatred for all that is good
and pure in the world.

Don't take this the wrong way or anything,

but I think you might have been sexually
abused as a small child.

What's up with you?

A word of advice, don't ever suggest
the probation worker

was sexually abused as a small child.
He did not like that at all.

Funny that.

Looks like those two made up.

Yeah, you know,
in many ways that is a real shame,

cos I reckon I could've tapped that.

Off the rebound. You know what I mean?
Nowt better than a teary fuck.

(SOBS)

Wouldn't do it. Wouldn't do that.
Thought never even crossed my mind.

No-one is happier than me
that we are all back to normal.

(CAN RATTLES)

(FLUTTERING WINGS)

Ah!

Alisha?

(PANTING)

Why are you doing this?

What do you want?
Please, will you just let me go?!

Mmm! Mmm!

Mmm!

Ah!

Are you OK? Did he hurt you?

I'm fine.

Why?

Why did you do it?

You did it.

You... You saved her.

A superhero

has to be prepared to die

for what he believes in.

Alisha?

It's like watching you die
all over again.

I don't want you to become him.

I want you to stay here with me.

You don't have to go back.

Promise me you won't go back.

Promise me.

I promise.

I don't want you to put that suit on
ever again.

Burn it.

With him.

(THUNDERCLAP)

I did it.