Misfits (2009–2013): Season 3, Episode 1 - Episode #3.1 - full transcript

You can't die. I love you.

I'll still be here.

Where did you get that?

The guy in the mask.

- Who is he?
- He's you.

ALISHA: So what happens now?

SIMON: You fall in love with me.

NATHAN: No more community service.

I thought we'd be, like,
all celebrating and shit.

All the shit we've been through.
We're all here,

we're all alive.



We made it.

I can give you your life back.

There's this guy. He took my power.

You sold your powers?

- Yeah, mate.
- We were given them for a reason.

Is there any reason why we have to
have the same powers as before?

He said if we've got the money,
we can take our pick.

OK, so who's first?

Oh, you're all such pussies! I'll do it.

(POUNDING ON DOOR)

Right, I need to speak to the...

cool, mysterious...

...power guy. Is he... is he in?

RUDY: What are you doing?



Get back in here!

(CAR HORN BEEPS)

- Sorry!
- Wanker!

Oh...

What the fuck...

do you think you're doing?

You think you can get rid of me?
I'm a part of you.

Cool power guy with the suits,

he could've sorted all this bullshit out,

but, oh no,
you had to make a big drama, didn't you?

I'm not gonna let you bury me.
I'm staying right here.

Oh, you're such a whiny little bitch!

You hate me, you hate yourself.

Nobody loves themselves
more than I do.

I'd fuck myself in a heartbeat,
wouldn't I?

So we're back to the whole, "I'm gay",
thing there, really, aren't we?

What you bringing that up for?
I'm not gay.

D'you remember that time in PE,
when you were in the showers

and you got turned on watching
Richard Saunders soaping his balls?

Oh, it's pathetic! It's sad.

You thought about it
when you were screwing the fake vagina

you made out of Mum's rubber gloves.

Ah-ah-ah!

Out of order, out of order.

You trying to fuck me?

I'm gonna fucking kill you!

L am you!

You're nothing to do with me!

Rudy!

(GROANS)

That could've gone horribly wrong, that.

You could have killed us.

Shut up whining.

(GROANS)

Come on. Get in here.

Whoa!

(CRACKS HIS BACK, GROANS)

(it THE RAPTURE'. Echoes)

# "The city breathing, the people churning"

# "The conversating"

# "The price is what?"

# "The conversating"

# "This place is heaven"

# "And if you see them"

# "They say what?" #

(WHISTLING)

(GROANS)

Argh!

You're not gonna ask about me limp?

No.

No, of course not! Cos that would
just be doing your job, wouldn't it?

I'm not sure you're cut out
to be a probation worker, mate.

- Is that right?
- Yeah.

When you're finished
with the careers advice,

you can piss off and pick up some litter
with those other two shitheads.

Right.

Before... all the accusations,

recriminations start flying around,

before harmony turns to discord

and everyone starts shouting and jabbing
their fingers at each other, right,

I just want to say for the record,
hand on heart,

the other hand on a Bible,

that it wasn't absolutely wasn't me

who left the big floater
in the toilet back there.

These are the designs
for an intercontinental ballistic missile.

Yeah, mate.

Check out the propulsion system.

It's liquid nitrogen, it's wicked.

Where did you get them?

I drew 'em.

(LAUGHS) You?

You honestly expect me to believe that?

You think I nicked them?

I fucking drew 'em.
They're my designs!

Get her out of here.

Take your hand off me, you prick!

I'm a fucking rocket scientist!

(DOOR SLAMS)

(LIFT DOOR OPENS)

KELLY: These new powers are bullshit.

I thought this power would make me
dead clever and everything,

but all I know
is how to build and design rockets.

I guess it does

- exactly what it says on the tin.
- Except there's no fucking tin

with all the instructions on it.

No-one believes someone like me
could be a rocket scientist.

Well, you don't exactly
look like a rocket scientist.

Maybe I should get some glasses,
make me look dead intelligent.

Yeah, that'll do it.

Simon?

Hey.

Hurry up and put some clothes on,

I said we'd go for a drink.

(# BLOOD RED SHOES:
It's Getting Boring By The Sea)

Has anyone heard from Nathan?

He's still in Vegas
with Marnie and Nathan Jr.

They want us all to go over
for the wedding.

Yeah, I'll go, if that prick pays
for my flights and my hotel.

He's going to use his power
to cheat money out of the casino.

You don't need to be able
to see into the future

to know that that is gonna end badly.

The baby's really cute, though.

I think she's getting all broody, mate.
Better knock her up.

Garcon!

You talking to me?

I believe so, it's French.

You're not a fan of the French?

No. Fair enough.

I don't like the cunts either.
Can I have three pints of lager, please?

What's wrong?

Nothing.

I'm knackered. Can we go?

I'll come with you.

Later.

I'm away for a cigarette.

Good for you.

I just... I just want you to know, right,

out of the two of you,
I like you the best.

I mean, she's all right.

She's, like... she's not ugly or anything.

Maybe a six or a seven out of ten.

So what am I?

I would never disrespect you like that,
or any other woman,

but if I absolutely had to,

I'd give you a nine.

Mm, so mathematically,

as the two most... attractive members
of our little community service gang,

I believe we are genetically
predisposed to copulate.

Any reputable scientist
would tell you that, love.

Oh. Well, I'm obviously
incredibly flattered.

Thank you.

It's just, I don't find you
even remotely attractive.

I don't... (CLEARS THROAT)
...believe you.

- Why would I lie?
- I don't know, why would you lie?

I'm not.

Not consciously,

just subconsciously,
you're fucking crazy about me, aren't you?

To be continued.

(RUDY GROANS)

Thank you.

She just totally knocked you back.

She's playing hard to get, mate.

She's out of your league,
she's laughing her arse off at you.

You... you can't go back in there.

You're gonna have to just...

Oh, climb through the window!
Just go. C'mon.

No! Oh, you'd love that, wouldn't you?
Why don't I just go home

and spend the rest of the night
torturing myself

about things I did when I was, like, 14?

D'you mean the thing
with the neighbour's cat?

No, you... No!

We... we do not talk about that! Right?

Where you going?

Just fuck the fuck off.

Wait for me outside.

You, honestly...
You're a miserable prick.

So...

I believe you were just saying
how you, er,

wanted to have sex with me?

- What's that all about?
- (LAUGHS)

Oh! (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Oh, no, ta. You're all right.

I'm, er... I'm genetically predisposed
to get cancer.

I think I'll pass.

If you don't smoke,
what you doing out here, then?

I'm sick of all the wankers in there
acting like they're having a good time.

So how come you're on community service,
what've you done?

Oh, come on, what's your crime?

I was with my boyfriend
and we got stopped by the police.

He put the drugs
he was carrying in my bag.

I saw him do it,
but I didn't have time to do anything.

You're kidding.

No-one's ever gonna do
anything like that to me again.

People will shit over you
any chance they get, won't they?

I had you all wrong.

I thought you were a shallow little prick.

No, it's an act, it's a front.

I'm deeply insecure.

Do you wanna...

go somewhere, just us?

N... Er... Let's stay here. Cos we're just
getting to know each other, aren't we?

We'll talk in there.

Hey...

this was great, wasn't it?

(# PATSY CLINE: Crazy)

# "Crazy"

# "I'm crazy for feeling so lonely"

# "I'm crazy"

# "Crazy for feeling..." #

(PANTS ANGRILY)

(MUSIC ECHOES)

# "I knew"

# "You'd love me as long as you wanted"

# "And then someday"

# "You'd leave me for somebody new"

# "Worry"

# "Why do I let myself worry?"

# "Wonderin"

# "What in the world did I do... #

Urgh...

What happened?

- Ah!
- Ahh!

You've... you, you've bottled me!

- What you talking about?
- This man just bottled me!

I didn't do anything to you!

Me face!

Am I still... am I still...
am I still gorgeous?

His head's all cut up and I'm standing
there with a broken bottle in my hand.

I don't remember doing anything.

That is definitely some power shit.

What are we going to do?

We don't have to do anything.

We keep our heads down
and stay the fuck out of it.

Cos that always works(!)

This is the kind of shit
where we need that guy in the mask.

Look, why do we always
have to get involved?

Can't we just do normal stuff that
normal people do, like... go for brunch?

What the fuck is brunch?

(# THE VELVET UNDERGROUND:
Sunday Morning)

# "Sunday morning"

# "Brings the dawn in"

#"it's just a restless feeling..."#

Would you like a bacon sandwich?

I would like that... very much.

Thank you.

You've just had unprotected
anal sex with that girl.

I most certainly did. And she loved it.

What if she's got HIV?

Cute girls don't get HIV.

You need to take her to the clinic,
you need to get her to have some tests,

get her a full work-up.

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

D'you know how rare it is to find a girl

who genuinely, honest to God,
absolutely loves it up the arse?

Urgh.

(SNIFFS)

Can you... can you smell that?
That's bacon,

- gently sizzling in the pan there.
-Ugh

You know, life, it doesn't get
any better than this for me!

It's about as close to heaven
as I'm gonna get.

If you don't get her
to have those tests, I will.

Just don't go anywhere near her,
d'you hear me?

She doesn't need to see this shit.

No? Well, I think she does.

In fact, I'm gonna go and tell her
to stick some more bacon in the pan

cos that's three for breakfast.

Urrrh...

- You have totally crossed the line!
- (KNOCK ON DOOR)

Rudy? Are you OK?

Yeah, I'm... I'm fine.
I'm just washing shit off me cock.

I'm gonna tell her everything.

(SOFTLY) All your
embarrassing little secrets.

Ahh!

- Who are you talking to?
- No-one! Meself.

- What are you doing in there?
- Nothing!

Rudy!

Just a minute! Just a minute, yeah?

Ah! Fuck!

What happened?

Funny thing. You know how I said
I was washing me cock?

Yeah, I've just slipped on the soap
and impaled meself on some scissors!

How mad's that shit?

It actually really fucking hurts, like.

So is this, like, brunch?

Cos it feels like
I'm just eating a bacon sandwich.

Oi, that's him. That's the guy
that said I bottled him.

- What are you smiling at?
- A gentleman never tells.

I've just fucked her up the arse!

Everything you said? It was all bullshit!
How could you do that to me?

But... but I didn't do it to you,
I did it... I did it to her.

I'm the arse man. Love 'em.
King of the world!

(PANTS ANGRILY)

What's she done to him?

(GROANS)

Are you all right?

You're that crazy barman
that bottled me, you are.

I didn't bottle you,
it must have been her.

Why would she do that?

(PANTS ANGRILY)

(GLASS BREAKS)

(CAR ALARM WAILS)

- (SIREN WAILS)
- Fuck!

Go!

Sorry, I...

...l thought you were someone else.

Did you see a guy run down here?

I haven't seen anyone.

Sweet.

(RUDY PANTS)

I've got to stop smoking
and doing loads of speed, me.

- I thought they had you.
- No. I got away. I...

I did my thing.

Ah!

If that's some sort of vague reference
to all this "power" bullshit

then don't worry about it, cos I am
cool and the gang with all that.

You're very starey.

Ah, hey!

Whoa, this is cool.

Loving that lift. Look at this lift!

(LAUGHS) Brilliant.

See all this whole...
this turning into a girl thing,

is it born out of some sort of
sexual confusion or something?

There ain't no sexual confusion.

If you say so.

They all got their powers before me!
That was all they had left.

He's a bit touchy, ain't he?

So this girl he turns into...

would you?

You know.

Would you, er... would you fuck her?

We've never seen her.

Oh.

Oh.

I've always wanted my own vagina.

Not to keep, cos I've heard
they require a lot of maintenance.

You know, upkeep, like cleaning,
polishing, things like that.

Oh, it's... it's you.

Do you two know each other?

Er... we went to the same college.

Urn... this has been brilliant... ain't it?

Ah, I really have to go, I've got
things... got to do stuff and that.

- KELLY: You all right, mate?
- Come on, you...

How does this fucking lift work?

Who has a lift in their flat, man?

Come on! Piece of shit!

Fuck!

(GROANS) Nice one.

(RUDY GROANS)

Why's he here?

What's going on?

We were brunching.

And then it just kicked off.

It's her.

Look at it.

Look at it!

What are we gonna do?

Every power known to mankind seems
to be floating out there somewhere.

Someone must have it!

I don't care how long it takes,
you keep looking until you find it.

(TAP ON DOOR)

And what can I do for you?

There's this girl on the estate, yeah?

She used a power to make it look like
me and my mates trashed a car,

the police are after us.

And you're telling me because?

I thought you could do something
about it, take her power or something.

Oh, right, did you?

Right, well, I'll just find my cape
and tights and get on it.

You think this is funny, don't you?
Do you see me laughing?

I don't think I've ever seen you smile.

Cos you always sit there with a massive
shit-eating grin on your face.

Mr Fucking Happy!

Look, are you gonna do something
about this girl or not?

I... really don't see that happening.

You don't give a shit about anyone,
do you?

I give a shit about me.

And just so you know, this new power.

It's rubbish.

But you're a rocket scientist.

Yeah, and you're a dick!

Come by any time.

(DOOR SHUTS)

(TONY WHISTLES)

The little bastards.

Which one of you fuckers
took the dog?

What dog? Was there even a dog?

The charity box, for the blind?

The Labrador, retriever, whatever
the fuck it was. Who nicked it?

What? I don't know nothing
about no dog, man.

Was there... was there a dog?
Where is there... a dog?

Who took it?

Right...

I really hate to be a grass...

...but I did see
that strangely intense girl

with slightly inadequate breasts,
she was carrying something heavy

and dog-shaped
over to her locker before...

Which one?

It's number 43.

Ow.

Hey.

Come here. Mm, come here.

The probation worker's looking for you.

And why's that?

Because he seems to be
under the impression

that you've stolen
a dog-shaped charity box,

on account of him
having found it in your locker.

Mm!

You fuck with me and I'll fuck you
right back wi' a cherry on top.

You have no idea what I can do to you.

You think you can use
your little power to fi...

...iX this.

But you're too late,
because he's already reported you.

And the cops are already coming.
(CHUCKLES)

You're going down, sweet child.
Don't mess with the assman!

(PANTS ANGRILY)

'(om!

Office. Now.

Control, this is
Charlie-echo-two-three.

We've got the suspect, heading back
to the station. 15 minutes ETA.

RADIO: Charlie-echo-two-three,
15 minutes ETA. Please confirm.

(PANTS ANGRILY)

Yeah, I can confirm...

Charlie-echo-two-three,
can you confirm?

Charlie-echo-two-three,
repeat, come in.

Come in.

You... you have to let Alisha know
what she did to you.

You're just... You're never gonna
get over it, you have to confront her.

Why d'you have to dig this shit up?
It's old news. I'm... I'm over it!

You think about her all the time.

No, you think about her.

It's the same thing.

D'you know what?
I think about loads of things.

I think about shagging supermodels.

I think about shagging normal models.

I think about how sad it is that
all the polar bears, they're drowning

because all the ice is melting.

Doesn't mean I have to do
anything about it, though.

Mm?

Now, c'mon. Get in here.

We've got beers to drink
and anuses to violate.

Oh...

Is he fingering her?

I think he might be.

I'll get 'em in, hm?

That's some thirsty work, that.

Same again, please.

So you're with Alisha, aren't you?

That's great, man.

I'm with that beautiful,
innocent-looking girl down there.

Yeah. She absolutely loves it up the arse!

I know! I know, we're all
just pussying around, aren't we?

"Should I slip it up there?"

"No, you can't. That's where
she makes toilet." Turns out...

Come here. Turns out...

it's also the way to a woman's heart.

You stick anything up my arse
and I will break your face.

It's just the posh ones.
It's just the posh ones. Listen...

just so you know,

you don't have to worry about that girl
who screwed with us,

cos your Uncle Rudy's all over that shit
like a motherfucker-r-r-r-r!

Oh!

Argh!

Rudy?

Is he having a fit or something?

I'm fine. Nothing to see here.

Oh... Hurgh!

(SHE GASPS)

(RUDY GROANS)

Right, just so you know,
this doesn't change how I feel about you,

or the thing with the thing...

Urn, what the fuck is going on?

I can't believe there's two of you!

It's like he came out of inside of you!

What?

You know what you did.

What did she do?

Let's just go. Come on!
Let's go. Wagons roll!

We had sex together.

You had sex with her?

Not...! Not recently. I don't even
remember it. So many fannies, right?

Big ones. Small ones. Hairy ones.

Floppy, great, big, flappy fannies...
(BARKS LIKE A SEAL)

We were at a party.

I'd fancied you for two years.

She took my virginity. It was
the happiest moment of my life.

For me, it was getting a hand job
on the Vortex at Thorpe Park.

Can we just go?

I told all my friends
I was seeing you, you know.

Then the next day,
you looked right through me.

I loved you,
and you wouldn't even look at me.

This is piss under the bridge.

I had to watch you
going with all them other boys.

Why are you doing this?

It's drugs.
WHISPERS: He's on drugs.

Do you know
what they used to call you?

The Co... The Cock Monster.

Just leave it, yeah? Just fuck off.

Why did they call you
The Cock Monster?

You have to ask?

- I tried to kill myself!
- Oi!

You shut your fucking mouth!

I wanted to die because of you.

Ohh...

It's not my fault you're so messed up
that you tried to kill yourself.

Fuck you and your sad little fantasies!
This is bullshit!

You're denying it happened,
you're doing it again.

Last orders.

(SIGHS)

I'm not that person any more.

I know.

I never wanted you
to hear those things about me.

It doesn't matter.

What, it doesn't matter
that your girlfriend

used to be called The Cock Monster?

We've all got a past.
I've got... two pasts.

All that matters is us, here, now.

Do you know what they
used to call me at school?

The Pussy Meister.

Shut up!

I was getting so much pussy,
I didn't know what to do with it, just...

loads of pussy, everywhere...

Will you please stop
saying "pussy"?

(QUIET MURMUR OF TV)

(SIGHS)

How've you got in here?

Broke a window.

(TUTS)

D'you know, this isn't working out
for either of us.

I think we should stay split.

Per... permanently?

Why not? You've had
your moment in the sun.

You've got it all off your chest.
Consider me humiliated.

You're your own man now. We can
go our separate ways, separate lives.

We don't have to see each other
ever again.

What d'you say?

Maybe you could move to Wales,

I've no fucking intention of going there!

So you can walk around
like you're happy all the time?

It works for me.

I don't need you turning up
every time I feel down,

reminding me of everything that
makes me feel shit about meself.

Yeah, but it's a part of who you are.

No. It's a part of who you are.
Mate, all this fighting, arguing,

nobody wants to get stabbed
in the shoulder with a pair of scissors.

It's not cool, and it hurts.

C'mon, man, let's just stay split.

I'm gonna take your moody silence
as a "yes".

Try not to break another window
on your way out.

Jesus!

I thought
you were at the police station.

The police are gonna have a lot more
important things to do than look for me.

(PANTS ANGRILY)

(BANGING)

Oh, Jesus.

It wasn't me.

What did you do?

"I didn't do anything.

(PANTS ANGRILY)

Oh!

- Jesus!
- Shit!

Well, this isn't good, is it?

Why's she doing this?

I honestly have no idea.

- I'll find out where she is.
- Oh, brilliant(!)

We'll just untie your hands,
slip the noose from around your neck

and away you go.

No, my power! I can put myself
in other people's shoes.

See what they see through their eyes.

Do you have to be wearing their shoes?

No, no. That'd be ridiculous, wouldn't it?

- She's writing our suicide notes!
- Fuck...

No, you don't have to do this!

Yeah, well, someone's gonna get blamed
for stabbing Charlie and, er...

Well, it's not gonna be me.

Well, what if we promise
not to tell anyone?

But... if this is suicide...

how d'you explain our hands
being tied behind our backs?

I'll untie them when you're dead.

Hm. I'm glad you've thought of everything.

Or should I say, nearly everything?

No, you're bluffing.

- Am I?
- Yeah!

I really wouldn't do that if I were you.
I mean, it's up to you.

Oh, the irony.

You're gonna kick yourself.

- What the fuck are you talking about?
- It's hilarious. It's... it's too funny.

What is it?

- Tell me!
- All right. It's this...

Rudy!

Wrap your legs round me.

Look, I'll take your weight!
Wrap your legs around me! Come on!

I didn't mean to kill her!

- You can't hold us.
- Just hold on.

No point in us both dying.

Just hold on!

You broke my heart.

I know.

I lied.

I do remember you.

I was a bitch.

I didn't care who I hurt, but I've
changed. I'm not that person any more!

I hate myself for what I did to you.

I'm sorry.

That's good enough.

No! Rudy!

Rudy! Help!

Somebody help us! Please, somebody help!

(SCREAMS FADE)

I thought you'd gone to Wales.

I've... I've got to tell you, guys,
I am... I am kind of freaking out here,

all this killing and burying and dying.

I'm just...
I'm outside of me comfort zone.

If it makes you feel any better,
we've done a couple of people too.

Shit just happened.

You bury 'em,
you just get on with your life.

I just... keep seeing this image
of her cute little face,

she's biting down on the mattress, there.

She absolutely loved it up the arse.

God rest her beautiful soul.

Amen.

Well, that could've gone
a lot worse, you know?

For me.

New day tomorrow,
who knows what it holds for all of us.

(SIREN WAILS)

Shit!

- It's all right, just stay cool.
- Right,

don't get upset or anything,
but this isn't exactly my car.

- Whose car is it?
- Nicked it off a man with a perm.

A man with a perm, what's that about?!

We can't get caught in no nicked car-
we're all on probation.

Ah, you'll be all right. Maybe
they'll let you off with a warning, love.

Honestly, guys, I just... I thought
they'd let you off wi' a warning.

(SLOW HAN DC LAP)

That didn't take you long, did it?
Congratulations.

You haven't changed.

That's where you're wrong.

Yeah, cos I've found a new dedication,

ensuring your complete
and total rehabilitation.

I'll get started right after I've watched
Homes Under The Hammer.

Ooh! Can... can we watch that with you?

You lot can piss off and do some work.

Chop, chop.

(# THE SONICS: Have Love, Will Travel)

# "Whoal"

# "Have love"

# "Oh, baby, Will travel"

# "Uh-huh, huh"

# "Have love"

# "Oh, babe, I will travel"

# "I said, if you need lovin"'

# "Ah, mm-mmm, I'll travel"

# "Yeah"

# "I travel from Maine to Mexico..." #

What you doing?

- Designing a new propulsion system.
- Why?

Because I'm a fucking rocket scientist.

Ah! Are we doing catchphrases?

Maybe we could all have one.
Mine could be,

"Now you see me...

- "Now you see two of me."
- Why do we need catchphrases?

You know, for when shit goes down, man.

Oh, c'mon, d'you really think we're just
gonna spend the next seven weeks

ambling about, picking up litter?

He's got a point.

Yeah, well,
maybe it'll be different this time.

Maybe there won't be any shit going down.

Oh, trust me, there'll be shit.

It's in the air.

I can smell it.

ALISHA: So do you want to tell me
what's going on?

Why are we following him?
Oh, my God.

You fancy him, don't you?

You're Curtis Donovan, aren't you?

So what is there to do round here?

Have you just had a shag?

Something like that.

Who's the lucky girl?

CURTIS: You don't know her.

It was some of the worst sex
I have ever had.

When we were together, was I...

- What?
- Was I shit?

What are you doing?
That's Curtis's locker.

It's me, Curtis.

This is how I look when I'm a girl.