Misfits (2009–2013): Season 2, Episode 1 - Episode #2.1 - full transcript

Neco se stalo.
Zmenil sem se v neviditelneho.

Kouknete se na me!

Cas se pretocil zpet.

Co, ty ses vratil v case?

Musim mit s tebou sex, ted!

Co se to se mnou deje?

Vsichni neco dokazou krome me.

Zabil jsi vedouciho!

Kdyz neni telo,
neni zlocin.

Tohle porusuje podminky
myho antisocialniho chovani.

Nepotrebujes pouzivat svoji
moc na me- jsem tu.



Nechces zajit na drink?

Jsem tvoje vedouci.

Jen si me vyuzivala.

Zachran me, Barry!

Argh!

Mel si ho zachranit,
nemuze zemrit!

Mam silu!
Ha-ha! Kdo se smeje ted?

Pomoc! Ja ziju!

Pohrbili ste me zivyho, vy debilove!

# I see the rifles
Coming over the hill

# And if you shout
Maybe they stop and won't kill

# But if you think like me
You'll be as dead as he

# I see the lion
Crawling over your bed

# And if you stay
He'll make you walk in your bed



# To what you're gonna be
It never lets you be... #

Ah, magore!

Sakra moje oko!

Mohla by to byt past.

Right! We're here five minutes

and already someone's
setting a trap for us.

It's too early for this bullshit.

It's a wind-up.
Who uses a paper aeroplane?

They're going to get a slap.

I don't think you should slap them.

To her that's saying hello.

Are you trying to
say something, yeah?

No.

DOOR OPENS

Who are you?

I'm your new probation worker.

What happened to
the other one?

Apparently she's
missing or something.

Now, I know this is where I'm
supposed to make a big speech

about you paying your debt
to society and making a difference.

But seriously, we've all got
things we'd rather be doing.

Going to see your mates?

A little recreational drug use?

Making love to your
beautiful Italian girlfriend, yeah?

I'm talking about me.

Now, let's just get through it
and get out of here, all right?

That's different.

Who are they?

It's an art therapy class.

Er, you mean they're mentals?

D'you want to say that a bit louder?

I don't think the weird-looking
one at the back heard you.

Look, just try and treat them
with some sensitivity and respect.

Yeah?

Even that one...

Think you can the manage?

So, what d'you want us to do?

Well, for starters,

you can paint over
that piece of shit.

I can't believe it's you.

I tried to see you
after you'd left the unit.

They wouldn't give
me your phone number.

Didn't you get the
letters I wrote you?

No.

Why didn't you visit me?

They said I shouldn't have
any contact with the patients.

I knew it.

I knew you wanted to see me.

I think about you all time.

Do you think about me?

Come see me tonight.

I'm busy tonight.

You have to come,
there's so much I want to tell you.

Promise me.

OK.

I should go.

I miss you.

It's good to see you.

Well, this is a
complete waste of time.

Kelly?

'Take it to the edge.'

'Pull it back, pull it back...

'Ah, make it last,
you little tease!

'OK, crank it up, crank it up!
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah!'

Nathan...

'You love it,
you beautiful bastard!'

He's alive.

He's dead.

I heard him.
I think he was knocking one out.

That does sound like him.

Maybe you just wanted to hear him.

He's gone.

Argh!

What the fuck?!

Ha-ha!

You should see the
looks on your faces.

Classic!

Hey, guess what?

I'm immortal!

Can you believe this shit?

I told you I had a power. Oh!

Looks like they saved
the best for last, huh?

Immortality. That's off the A list.

You stupid wanker!

Ow! Stop hitting me!

I thought you were dead!

'I thought I'd never see her again.'

So if you're not dead,
how come you smell so bad?

I appear to have shat myself.

Ugh!

Were you having a wank in there?

So what if I was? A man can't enjoy
a quick shuffle in his own coffin?

It's not like I was
expecting visitors.

And you, you little freak!

What was that on the roof
of the community centre?

I was trying to save you.

Well, you failed
spectacularly, didn't you?

I need to eat.

Has anyone got a kebab?

D'you want some chewing gum?

Tutti-frutti?

I like it.

Man, that was a bad scene in there.

I thought I was
going to starve to death.

You're immortal,
you can't starve to death.

You're an expert, are you?

So, what are you going to do now?

I should probably tell
my mum I'm immortal.

Catch you later?

So, my mum opens the door
and she's like, "Argh!"

I'm like, "I'm immortal!"

Then she fainted.

Faceplants on the radiator.

There's blood and teeth everywhere.

Is she all right?

Yeah, she's fine.
She's fine.

Apart from the whole face.

Kinda put a downer
on the whole thing.

How did you explain it to your dad?

I told him I faked my own death

as part of an elaborate life
insurance scam.

He was not a happy man.

Who are you?

I could ask you the same thing.

I'm the probation worker.

Oh. Nathan. Nathan Young.

They told me you were dead.

Really?

Apparently not.
Could a dead man do this?

Oh!

Jesus!

Well, I'll
put you back in the system.

Hold on. What?

Are you saying I was out of
the system? I was a free man?

If I didn't show up here, no-one
would've come looking for me?

We thought you were dead.

You prick. >

Where were you?

I waited for you. You promised.

There was something we had to do.

Were you with them?

I should...

Do you know her or something?

No.

Are you trying to shag her?

She's not that mentally ill.

Or maybe she is.

Shut up. She heard that.

Hey, no offence.
A lot of people say I'm mentally ill.

Obviously I'm not, cos I'm over here,
and you're over there.

With the other crazies.

What are you doing?

I'm seducing you.

I'm being all

slutty, and horny.

You're with Curtis.

Curtis?

Curtis and me are over.

He didn't satisfy me.

Sexually.

What're you doing?

I don't think you
should be doing that.

You shouldn't be doing that.

Hello, big boy.

Catch you later.

So did you cry at my funeral?

I bet there was loads of girls
crying,

all wishing they'd
shagged me while I was still alive.

Too late, ladies.
This ship has sailed.

You're such a dickhead.

Oh, I missed you too.

I'm no good at this...serious,
girl stuff, and feelings and shit.

I fancy you.

Thanks.

And you obviously fancy me.

So the question is,
when are we going to...seal the deal?

Because I'm thinking, it's
going to happen. I know it.

You know it. They know it.

Tonight.

Really?

Just like that?
Me and you are going to...?

You won't regret it.

WHISPERING VOICE: Alisha. Alisha.

Alisha.

Alisha.

Alisha!

What?

Do you like food?

Do I like food?

I mean...eating.

We could go for a
pizza, and some garlic dough balls.

Are you asking me out?

I think about you.
Not just since you...

You think about me?

Have you been wanking over me?

If you want to wank over someone,

wank over Kelly, yeah?

Freak.

Why are you doing this to me?

Oh, hey!
I was just getting some condoms.

You know, for later.

So, are we just doing it the once, or
will we be at it all night?

Should I get two packs?

It depends on how good you are.

What have you got down there?

Let's have a look.

Get it out.

Oh. You want to see
the merchandise. I get it.

Try before you buy.

Is that it?

I haven't got another one.

You call that a cock?

What would you call it?

I'd call it pathetic.
I don't shag guys with tiny cocks.

Forget it.

I've never had any complaints.
Well, maybe a few.

Perhaps it wouldn't be a problem if
you didn't have such a massive fanny.

What're you talking about?

I'm talking about
your jumbo size twat.

I fucking hate you sometimes!

You started it!
I have feelings.

And so does my cock!

Something is going
on with these kids.

Their last two probation workers
have disappeared. They just vanished.

Come on. I know these type of kids.

They're annoying, lazy idiots.

They're not murderers.

I want to search the building.

I want to search the building.
Yeah? Have you got a warrant?

Do I need one?

Do I need one?
Yes.

I'll get one. You better hope
they don't get to you first.

I'm shitting my pants.

What's happened?

Alisha!

Alisha, look at me. Look at me!
Who did this to you?

Simon.

He attacked me.

What? Why would he attack you?

I don't know.

He's insane.

I'll kill him.

What's going on?

Nothing.

I should finish you!

I'm sorry!

Why d'you do it?
Why'd you hurt Alisha like that?

I never hurt her...

Don't fucking lie!

Oh, this is going to be interesting.

I want to get comfortable for this.

Why are you fucking
looking at me like that?

What're you doin'?

What happened to all the blood?

What?

Did you hit him?

He attacked Alisha.

Er, no he didn't.

In the locker room.

Your face was all messed up.
You said he attacked you.

What are you talking about?

You hit him again, I'll kick your
balls back into your stomach, mate.

I think he's been wanking over me.

What?

What?
I haven't!

Well, that's not very convincing.

'He doesn't know
Alisha gave me oral sex.'

She gave you a blow job?

What?

I read his mind.
He says you sucked him off.

What the fuck is going on?

Er, if I was going to suck someone's
cock, trust me, it wouldn't be his.

Aw. Are you going to cry now?

Just be straight with us, yeah?

Did she give you a nosh?

Whoever that was sucking
your cock, it wasn't me.

Something weird's going on.

Whatever it is,
I'm guessing it's your fault. Jesus!

Is that the probation worker?

You killed her?

She was after us.

She was engaged to Tony,
the first probation worker.

She found out about us killing him.

What, so you kill her?

That's brilliant.
Problem solved(!)

She was going to the police.

I didn't mean to kill her.
It was an accident.

You're a weird little psycho,

and now everyone knows it.

Don't walk away.
This is on all of us.

I thought
we were through with this shit.

TOILET FLUSHES

I don't know what is
going on with my guts.

It's all hot cross buns and Easter
Eggs when Jesus gets resurrected.

That wasn't Nathan?

Whoever it was, they know we
killed our probation workers.

Did someone kill
our probation worker?

Seriously? I spend a few hours
in the toilet and I miss all that?

Life is just passing me by.

Who was that just now?

Who was that just now?
I think it's a shape shifter.

They can take on other
people's appearance.

I saw it in an episode of Star Trek.

You should probably watch more
science fiction -

might actually figure out
what's going on round here.

So that wasn't you who said
those very hurtful things

about the size of my cock?

What? No!

Then you're probably
wondering why I said you had a...

huge fanny.

There may have been
a bit of a mix-up.

We should set up a password

that we can say to each other
so we know it's us.

"Monkey slut".

"Monkey slut".
We're not having
"monkey slut" as a password.

What are the chances of that being
used in a normal conversation?

Kinda low, no?

Kinda low, no?
Just go with it.

"Monkey slut".

We need to find out who it is
before they go to the police.

It's the new probation worker.
It's always the probation worker.

That dead chick was the other
probation worker's fiancee.

What if this new one's his brother?

He's white. Tony was black.

Er, adopted brother?

Adopted kids are nut jobs.

Lucy.

Or it could be her.

Hey!

I will see you tomorrow.

Yeah, good one. Very convincing.

What?

Kelly!

You think you can
dick around with us!

Change back into your
fuckin' self!

Kick her again! Kick her again!

Bastards!

She's got me!

Get her off me!

GRUNTING AND SHOUTING

Lick my salty balls,
you cock-loving, ball-sucking bitch!

Shut up!

She's dead.

Oh, fuck.

We've killed him.

Look, you had to do it.

She was going to kill me.

You're immortal!

I thought she'd turn back
into herself when she died.

There's no way that's
actually the probation worker.

Right?

I think it might be.

Can we please stop killing
our probation workers?

That dead chick was that other
probation worker's fiancee, right?

What if this new one's his brother?

He's white. Tony was black.

Er, adopted brother?
Adopted kids are nut jobs.

Wait!

Right. I will see you tomorrow.

Good one. Very convincing.

It's not her.

What?

What's going on?

Nothing.

You're obviously lying.

But it's five o'clock
and I couldn't give a shit.

Have a good one!

Where'd she go?

She's turned into a mouse!

Get some cheese!

Are you fuckin' serious?

So what's the story
with you and this girl?

After I tried to burn that
boy's house down...

..they sent me to a
psychiatric unit for assessment.

Really? I can't imagine why(!)

Lucy was a patient in the unit.

I think she's obsessed with me.

So it's just that and the murder,
is it? Or is there anything else

you'd like to share with the group?

You expect me to tell you anything
after how you've treated me?

All the names you've called me?

All the names you've called me?
What names?

All the names you've called me?
What names?
Weird kid.

Panty sniffer. Virgin. Freak. Twat.

Pervert. Paedophile.

Melon fucker.

I just want to be your friend.

Sure, man.

All right.

You just know Curtis is going to
get all freaked out over the whole...

It wasn't even me!

Yeah.

One of my exes
was watching a porno, yeah?

He saw a girl who looked like me
getting shagged by a load of dwarfs.

Did his head in.
That was it. Over.

Ooh. (GRUNTS)

So, basically, he's had a blow job
off your girlfriend and you haven't?

Shut up, man. It wasn't her.

Shut up, man. It wasn't her.
It looked liked her.

Shut up, man. It wasn't her.
It looked liked her.
It wasn't her.

Shut up, man. It wasn't her.
It looked liked her.
It wasn't her.
It had her mouth.

It wasn't her brain.

It wasn't her brain.
Who cares about her brain when
your balls are resting on her chin?

Say another word!

I dare you. Do it.

I didn't do anything!

Be angry with him!

I didn't know what was happening.

She just...

Then she...

Before I knew it, she was...

Before I knew it, she was...
Sucking your cock! >

You didn't know it wasn't Alisha.
You should've stopped her.

C'mon, man. Be serious. That requires
an inhuman level of self-restraint

that no man is capable of.

The siren call of the blow-job
renders all men powerless.

That's how girls trick
you into marrying them.

Mouse!

YELLING

Split up! Find her!

Yes!

Gotcha.

Hey! I got the bitch!

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, Jesus, I've killed her!

Do something!
Give her mouth to mouth or something.

I hate mice.

The password - monkey slut!

What?

It's you!

It's not you!

Guys! Guys!

MUFFLED SHOUTING

(SCREAMS)

Oh, come on!

Monkey slut! Monkey slut!

Help! >

(STRAINS)

Nathan!

Kelly! It's him. She's Barry!

She shoved me onto a pipe.

I'm not her. I'm... me.

Then I'm really confused.

Monkey slut. Shit! Does that hurt?

Only when I breathe.

Ugh. Oh, is that her?

That's just a mouse.

The bad news is, the mental girl,
she knows the password.

Monkey slut is blown.

She could be any one of us.

I think you can...
rule me out.

It's not me.

It's not me either.

Prove it.

Use your power.

I want to rub
my cock in your hairy armpit.

Happy now?

Cock, armpit.
It wasn't pretty.

Right, you're up. >

Do your thing.

Monkey slut.

No way!

That's not Curtis.

I can hear her thinking.

What?

What?
If you're you, rewind time.

You know it doesn't work like that.

I'm going to find Curtis.

What do we do with her?

Only one thing we can do.

That's pretty brutal.

We can't kill her.

She knows too much.

Stop!!

What was that?

Is something happening?

(GASPS AND COUGHS)

MOBILE RINGS

Who is it?

It's you.

Barry!

SCREAMING

Why are you doing this?

These new friends you've made...

They've turned you against me.

I know what I need to do now.

You're going to walk
into the police station

and confess to murdering
your probation worker.

They'll lock you up in the unit.

We'll be together again.

(SCREAMS)

I'm doing this for us.

Lucy!

Don't worry about me.
I'll just die...

..again.

I shouldn't have blanked you.

I should never have done that to you.

I know how much it hurts.

I thought they wouldn't be
friends with me if they knew

about me being in the unit.

Do you really think they're going
to be friends with someone like you?

For the first time in my life,
I feel like I belong.

I've never been this happy.

You murdered your probation worker.

I didn't say it was perfect.

You should have visited me.

I couldn't go back to the unit. >

I can't go back.

It's where you belong.

I'm not that person any more.

I like who I am now.

Don't take that away from me.

Is there something you
want to tell me?

Fuck you.

Is this a wind-up?

Of course it is, you prick!

Get out of here, you little freak!

I should do you for
wasting police time!

Thank you.

I'll walk you home.

# Does it all come down to me?

# When I left you on the summer... #

(GASPS)

Hey.

Hey.

So you didn't shit
yourself this time?

Apparently not.

So that's progress!

That stuff I said about your...

huge vagina.

I didn't mean it.

I'm sure it's a beauty.

It's stuff you say all the time.

It's just who you are.

I can change.

I just wanted make sure you were OK.

(TUTS)

Oh, hey, man - Cornettos!

I've got to tell you, I'm
loving this whole immortality gig.

So you don't mind
dying all the time?

Yeah, it's scary, and it's painful.

And my mum still can't get the
stains out of those trousers.

But there's a definite upside.

You reckon? What, you'll have
to get a job and work forever?

You could go a hundred
years without getting laid.

Everyone you love will die.

Yeah, whatever!
In...

six weeks, it's all going to change.

What's happening in six weeks?

We finish our Community Service.

What're you going to do then?

I'm going to join the circus.

They can throw knives at me, stick
swords in me, shoot me in the face.

People pay good
money to see that shit.

And then I'm making serious cash.
And where the cash goes, the pussy

follows. No offence, ladies. Hoo!

So who was it who saved your life?

I don't know.

Some guy in a mask.

The only reason I needed saving is
because you're all fucking idiots!

Don't start on me, cos I weren't
even there!

It was me.

I saved you.

How?

Come on! I'm joking! Seriously?

Still a prick.

Someone else knows about us.

We need to find out who it is.

Oh, haven't we done
enough for one week?

We almost killed another probation
worker. You had your first blow job.

I died - again. It's nearly the
weekend, let's just dump her and

worry about that stuff next week.

Or maybe even the week after that.

Right, this will do.

It's time.

LOUD SPLASH

I'm looking for Nathan.

Who are you?

I'm his brother.

How's that even possible?

We've got the same dad.

Are you out of your fucking mind?

Fuck you! He was there for you!
You don't know how this feels!

We're like the Mitchell brothers!
Only we're not bald, ugly and shit!

Hey.
I was just thinking about you.

What are you doing?

Who is this guy?

I don't know. He's following me.

What does he actually know?

He seems to know everything.

We need to find him.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd