Misfits (2009–2013): Season 2, Episode 2 - Episode #2.2 - full transcript

Hey, guess what?

I'm immortal!

- Who are you?
- I'm your new probation worker.

What happened to
the other probation worker?

I didn't mean to kill her,
it was an accident!

SIMON: So who was it who saved your life?

Some guy in a mask.

(# HOWLIN' WOLF: Smokestack Lightning)

# Oh, smokestack lightning

# Shinin'... #

(Mo/ms)



# Why don't you hear me cryin'?

# Whoo-oo-hoo

# Whoo-oo-hoo

# Whoo-oo

# Whoa-oh

# Tell me, baby

# What's the matter, yeah?

# Why don't you hear me cryin'?

# Whoo-oo-hoo

# Whoo-hoo

# Whoo-oo

# Whoa-oh, tell me, baby

# Where did you stay last night?

# Why don't you hear me crying?



# Whoo-ooh

# Whoo-ooh

# Whoa, stop your train... #

Seriously, put some clothes on.

Ah, come on! Who says you can't
have an ASBO and an all-over tan?

Oh, wrong!

(MAN WHISTLES)

I'm looking for Nathan.

Why? Why are you looking for him?
Who are you?

I'm his brother.

(SCOFFS) I haven't got a brother.
I'm a classic example of an only child.

Not any more.

How is that even possible?

We've got the same dad.

And you're sure about that?

He didn't tell you about me?

I guess it slipped his mind.

Yeah, OK.

Yeah, I've always wanted a brother.

(it THE RAPTURE'. Echoes)

# The city breathing

# The people churning

# The conversating

# The price is what?

# The conversating

# This place is heaven

# And if you see them... #

(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)

Oh, hiya, Dad, it's your son...Nathan.

So here's the thing -
my brother came to see me today.

But I haven't got a brother!
So who's this? It's my brother?

What the fuck?!

Anyway, so, um...call me.

(URINATES)

That is fuckin' disgusting.

Where's Nathan?

He's in the locker room.

Oh, that's funny, because I was
just in there. I didn't see him.

He had a family emergency.

- What kind of emergency?
- His brother came to see him.

And how is that an emergency?

- He's got cancer.
- Oh, really(?)

Yeah, his brother was like
crying and shit. It was really sad.

Think he needed a drink.

Oh, so Nathan's taken him to the pub,
has he?

His brother hasn't got cancer, has he?

He might have.

He should feel for lumps...
in his testicles.

Right.

So how was it with Dad
when you saw him?

Yeah, it was all right,
you know, it was OK.

Let me take a wild guess -
he was a useless twat?

Pretty much, yeah.

Yeah, that's our dad for you.

Don't take it too personally, though.

Hey, fuck him!

Who's she?

Oh! Let's just say,

been there - bee“. - done that.

Beautiful burger nipples.

Like a pair of beef patties.

D'you like that?

Yeah, what's not to like?

I love burgers, I love breasts.
It's like a meal deal!

(CHUCKLES)

Another one?

Yeah.

Hey...

Fuck off!

(INHALES)

Two pints of your cheapest lager, please.

Do you want to sit here?

So how would you feel
about having sex with me?

I would, but I have this thing

about having sex
with bouffant-haired wankers!

Whoa!

Cool power!

Don't sweat it,

I'm immortal.

Seriously?

I thought it was just me.

No, no. I've died twice
in the last two weeks.

Anyway, who are you calling bouffant?

Your hair - it's quite big.

Well, I like to give the ladies
something to hold on to.

That's very thoughtful of you.

Well, I'm a very thoughtful person.

Here, what is it with you
and breaking the glasses?

Sorry.

Clean it up!

Who's the cunt?

- NATHAN: What a pussy!
- Want me to go back in there

- and kick the shit out of him?
- No, no, leave it.

Leave it, leave it.

It's probably for the best,
you know? Move on.

Are you all right?
I can't believe he did that.

I feel really bad.
Call me sometime.

Oh. Yeah, I'll do that.

And that, little brother,

is how you pull women.

My Car!

My Car's gone!

What do you mean?

It was parked right here, it's gone!

Welcome to the neighbourhood.

Fuck, shit. Shit!

Hey, hey. It could have been worse.

Last week someone was thrown off
one of those towers. It was carnage.

Dad was in the boot.

Dad? Our dad?

Why was he in the boot of your car?!

Cos he's a twat!

I think I'm going to need a little bit
more information than that!

I went to see him.

It's like he didn't want to
be bothered with me. I lost it.

I hit him with a toaster.

You hit him with a toaster?!

And then you put him
in the boot of your car?!

I was going to drive him home,

make him apologise to Mum
for being such a wanker to her.

Oh, well! I'm sure
that would've been a touching reunion!

I wasn't going to go through with it.
I was going to let him out.

And then you say, "Let's go for a beer."
"Sure, I'll just let Dad out of the boot."

Was he all right
when you put him in there?

He wasn't too happy.

I can't say I'm entirely surprised!
Are you out of your fucking mind?!

FUCK you!

He was there for you!
You don't know how this feels!

You don't know!

I suppose we'd better go and find our dad.

I spent ages thinking what it would
be like to meet him, you know,

what I'd say or what he'd say.

He didn't even turn the fucking TV off.
Fucking Master Chef!

Whatever ideas you had
about touching scenes of father and son,

forget about it.

OK? He's not interested.

I'm sorry, man.

Please tell me that's not your car.

(BOTH COUGH)

Is it yours? Is it?!

I don't know! I don't know! It could be!

Dad!

Ow!

Shit!

Oh, my God!

Thank you! Oh, thank you, God!

Jesus!

MAN IN CAR: Yeah!

That's my car!

That...that's my car!

Hey!

Our dad's in the boot! Hey!

Our dad's in the boot!

Our dad's in the boot!

(THEY SHOUT AND WHOOP)

OK, here's the plan -
I provoke them into chasing me

and you get the car, OK?

Yeah?

All right.

- Are you doing business?
- You want gear?

No, no. The other kind of business.
You know.

You're very cute.

You, not so much,
but there's always room for a little one.

You taking the piss?

Shall we say, er, a hundred quid?

I'm thinking, I do you, you do me,
we all end up in a hot tub.

All right, all right,
there's an extra 20 in it if you tie me up

and hit my balls with a cactus.

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS WEAKLY)

(CONTINUES TO LAUGH)

Hundred quid, yeah?

Yep.

Let's go somewhere more private.

OK.

NATHAN: It's going to be quite the party!

Let's see the money, then, mate.

Let's see your cocks first.
I want to know what I'm working with,

you know, so I can prepare myself...

(CAR ENGINE STARTS)

...mentally and physically...

- Give me the fucking money!
- Ow!

- Oh, shit!
- Give me the fucking money.

Get off me!

(SHOUTING)

Come on! Get in the fucking car! Come on!

NATHAN: Go!

(SHOUTING)

Come back here! Hey!

NATHAN: Aaaaargh!

Come on!

Cannot believe we done that!

We're like the Mitchell brothers,
only we're not bald, ugly and shit!

- Go on!
- Ha-ha!

(EXHALES)

(THEY PANT)

(MUFFLED KNOCKING)

We should probably
let Dad out of the boot.

Untie me,
you little fuckin' bucket of piss!

NATHAN: All right, look, listen, listen.

I'll untie you, but I want you
to promise me that you won't be angry.

(MUFFLED ANGRY SCREAMING)

OK, he's not going for it.

Come on, now,
let's get him out of there.

(MUFFLED SHOUTING)

Stop wriggling!

(SIRENS APPROACH)

Ow, stop! Stop!

NATHAN: Shit!

It's complicated.

(SCOFFS) Try me.

I didn't see the point
in telling you about him.

It would have just upset your mother.

Oh, upset her
more than you cheating on her,

or walking out on us
and just generally being a complete twat?

And you never even
tried to contact him?

Brilliant(!) Yeah.

First-class parenting, there, Dad,
well done(!)

I thought about seeing him.

The longer it went on,
it just...got harder.

And you wonder why
he hit you in the head with a toaster

and put you in the boot of his car?

He just turned up out of the blue.
I didn't know what to say to him!

(SIGHS)

Even for you,
that is just unbelievably shit.

Like you never got anything wrong(!)

We're not so different, you know.

We are completely different!

I'm gracefully tall,
you're freakishly short.

Where do you get this stuff?

I don't know, it just comes to me,
I have a gift. So...

what are you going to do about him?

Well, what am I supposed to do?

You're supposed to be a dad to him.

Well, I don't even know him.

Yeah? What's your excuse with me?

Every time I try
to work things out with you,

you just throw it back in my face.

Don't change the subject now!
We're talking about your other son!

The little shit should be grateful
I am not pressing charges!

You know what?
He's better off not knowing you!

I wish... I wish I was him!

Where are you going?

That's right, Dad.

Walk away with your tiny little legs,
you fucking midget!

(DOOR OPENS)

Where's Dad?

He's gone.

Come on.

(PANTS)

(MOBILE PHONE BEEPS)

- See you later?
- See you, man.

Is your brother staying with you?

Yeah. I've always wanted a brother.

Someone to idolize me.

I can advise him, teach him stuff.

Like what?

Like, er...

Does he know how to dance?

Do you?

Well, I'll get lessons,

because that's what brothers do
for each other.

Have you got any brothers?

A sister.

Is she cute?

You should think about
getting me and her together.

Hey, man. Someone's going to.

Better it be a close friend,

someone you can trust
to be gentle and respectful.

Me.

She's 12!

Oh! Probably best to leave it
a couple of years, then.

Something you want to tell me?

Look, if it's about
all that booze going missing

from the kitchen,
I don't know anything about that!

It's about you
disappearing to the pub yesterday.

- Oh...that.
- Mm.

Forget the booze thing, then.

Don't take the piss.

I never do.

(THEY SNIGGER)

That's not so special!

Whatever(!)

CURTIS: Who is this guy?

I don't know. He was following me.

I think he might have sent the note
telling us to go to Nathan's grave.

Does he know about our powers?

Yeah. He kinda reminds me
of the guy who rescued me.

Er...did I miss something?

Oh, yes. I got surrounded by a whole bunch
of those Virtue virgins,

right? I was just about to
kick three kinds of shit out of them,

girls included,

and this fella swoops in on his BMX,
all dramatic like,

and gives me a backie.

The guy can pedal, I'll give him that!

- When was you going to tell us?
- I didn't think it was relevant.

Wait, a mysterious, masked guy
appears out of nowhere and rescues you?

- How is that not relevant?
- All right, I'm sorry,

- I forgot!
- (LIQUID HISSES)

We need to find him.

Look, if he wants to dick around,
trying to be a superhero, let him.

Who has time for that shit?

Right! He's just a chancer, chancing it.

I mean, what does he actually know?

He seems to know everything.

- We're going out tonight. Are you coming?
- Oh, yeah, cool, man.

I'll bring my little brother.
We are going to be knee deep in pussy!

You ain't getting a sniff!

(SCOFFS) Hang on! What's this?

It's the phone number of a beautiful girl.
I think someones getting laid!

And you think I give a shit?

Ooh!

She is so into me

and she doesn't even know it.

You know, I think you should
go and see our useless prick of a dad.

Yeah, right!)

No, just cos I've got

a completely shite relationship with him
doesn't mean you have to.

If he's not interested in you,
why would he be any different with me?

Well, you know...

Some would probably say that
I wasn't the easiest kid in the world.

(SNIGGERS) Maybe you should try
and sort things out?

Too much shit's happened
between me and him.

I was so jealous of you.

I thought you and him
would be big mates.

My eighth birthday, right,

he's supposed to be taking me out
for the day, so he takes me to IKEA

and he buys so much
of that flat-pack furniture,

that there's no room for me in the car,
so he leaves me there

for three hours!

Then some guy with a beard
sees me hanging around

and buys me lunch.

I spent my eighth birthday eating
Swedish meatballs with a known pedophile!

Did he...?

No, no! Dad got back just as
we were finishing our ice cream,

but that sick pervert cared more about me
than Dad ever did.

He would've taken me to the zoo.

(THEY CHAT)

(ENGINE STARTS)

What?

Nothing.

# There's nothing else

# Just remember to fall in love

# There's nothing else
There's nothing else

# Just remember to fall in love

# There's nothing else
There's nothing else

# Just remember to fall in love

# There's nothing else
There's nothing else... #

(some CONTINUES)

(MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH)

NATHAN: Hey, hey!

Hey!

Hey, these are my friends!

I'm not your friend.

Hey, you look even prettier in the dark.

That's original(!)

(INHALES) Jesus!

Sorry. I'm trying not to be
such a cold bitch.

Cold? As in, you know, frigid?

I have intimacy issues, OK?

OK, OK! In my experience,

there isn't any problem that can't be
solved by getting really, really drunk.

Hey, he)',

my little brother doesn't know anything
about the whole power thing, so...

- Cheers, man.
- All right, man.

- You all right?
- Yeah, are you?

- You up for a pill?
- Yeah, thanks.

You can have two.

Cheers.

I don't take drugs.

Right.

What's that?

What?

Nothing.

- Have a good night, man.
- Thanks.

# ...Just remember to fall in love

# There's nothing else

# There's nothing else... #

(MUSIC CHANGES,
CROWD CHEERS)

So how are we going to do this?

They're not cattle!

Show them some respect!

Just choose one!

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.
Catch a liar by the toe.

If she hollers, let her go.
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe!

Oh, fine! You have the pretty one!

- Sweet!
- Yeah...

NATHAN: Yeah, yeah, whatever!

I thought she was with you?

Who?

No, no! That was just an elaborate plan
to make you jealous.

I can't even remember her name.

You don't remember anyone's name.

There's some seriously weird shit
going on with your eyes!

I think this pill's kicking in.

Why are you interested in me anyway?
You can get loads of prettier girls.

- No, I didn't mean to say that.
- So what if there are? I like you

- and there's no explaining that.
- But what happens

if you think I'm shit in bed?
I've only slept with four blokes.

Seriously?

Yeah!

You're practically a virgin.

Hey, I respect that!

This pill's doing something
really weird to my power,

it's making me say whatever's in my head.

Sometimes, I think I fucking love you!

Oh, it's not me.
It scares the shit out of me,

cos I know that you're going to end up
hurting me, like most blokes do,

cos you're a useless prick,
just like your dad.

I did eeny, meeny, miny, moe,
and you lost, and I still chose you!

But now I'm changing my mind.

Jamie can have you and I'm having...

...the pretty one!

Nathan!

Get off me, you skanky bitch!

- Oi, you skank!
- Filthy bitch!

- You minger!
- Dirty little skank!

(GASPS)

Hey.

I was just thinking about you.

W-What are you doing?

I don't want to get come
on my dress.

It's dry-clean only.

No...

I can't do this.

What?

(GASPS)

Alisha!

You're fucking amazing!

Dance with me.

Fuck!

Fella in the next cubicle.
You got any toilet roll in there?

SIMON: Nathan?

- It's me.
- Barry?

Hey, man. Help me out!

Something weird's happening.
Everyone's looking at me.

That'll be the pills. Kelly said it was
doing something to her powers.

- I didn't take one.
- I think my brother

may have spiked you.

Well, I know he did.

When you say
everyone was looking at you...

...do you mean girls?

Everyone.

It's like it's reversed my power.

Do you want my advice?
You find a nice, sweet, innocent girl

- and you take advantage of her!
- I can't use a power like that.

I really don't see it
happening for you otherwise.

Maybe we need to build up
your confidence first.

Let's get you a prostitute.

There's a girl on the estate, right.

She's not all that looks-wise,
not since the accident,

but she looks clean,
clean enough for what you want.

(TOILET FLUSHES)

- Hey, have you seen Lily?
- I think she went outside with Jamie.

That's supposed to be me
getting into her knickers!

Nathan...

Make sure you don't get killed.

Nathan?!

I feel really weird!

I'm burning HP!

- I'm so hot!
- Let me have a look at you.

(PANTS)

You're fine.

You're beautiful.

Oh...ah...

(LAUGHTER AND CHATTER)

(SHE GROANS)

(THEY PANT)

Get off me!

Jamie! Jamie!

Jamie!

Get off me!

My brother's in there!
My brother's in there!

Jamie! Oh, fuck!

Jamie!

(VOICE BREAKS) Jamie!

Jamie!

Jamie!

Oh...

I thought you were dead,

you stupid bastard!

(SOFT PANTING)

(GROANS m PAIN)

(SOFT PANTING)

She was burning up.

She just started freaking out.

Then she threw me out of the car.

She's dead, man.

There was nothing I could do.

This isn't down to you.
This is just one of those...

...just totally fucked-up situations.
Who knew that would happen?

What's with her bursting into flames
like that? That's not normal.

Yeah, there was a storm.
A bunch of us got superpowers.

I'm immortal.

Big reveal.

- Seriously?
- Yeah.

Oh, I feel like shit.

I've been thinking.

You were right.

I should try and sort things out with Dad.

Will you come and see him with me?

You know,
I can't see that helping anybody,

least of all me, you know.

You'll be fine. You'll get on with him.

I hit him with a toaster
and locked him in the boot of my car.

OK, yeah, so it's going to be
a bit awkward at first.

You know, we've all been there.

Well, maybe not there,
but somewhere similar.

Just gloss over it.

I don't know what to say to him.

Come on, man. Do this one thing.
Come with me.

No.

You know, the worst thing about it-

it wasn't any different
to my normal power.

Either way, I'm untouchable.

- Don't say that.
- It's true.

What did you see when you went forward?

I was, um...

standing on a roof,
like I was going to jump off it.

I was just a superhero.

What, you're saying
you'd become a superhero?

Don't know.

Then what happened?

Nothing.

NATHAN: OW!

Fucker

Why did you hit me?

Cos I panicked, all right?
Don't make a big deal out of it.

Tell him.

OK, look.

I know it's too late for me and you.
I get that.

I've known you didn't give a shit

ever since you left me in IKEA
with that pedophile.

- What pedophile?!
- My eighth birthday!

IKEA!
The guy with the Swedish meatballs?

I don't remember that.

- How very convenient!
- Is this the thing about

the guy who was seeing your mum
who you said was trying

to sexually abuse you?

No, I made that up!
This is something else.

IKEA pedophile!

Jesus, meatballs!

This isn't about who was or who wasn't
trying to sexually abuse me.

It's about you and Jamie. Look, I'm pretty
much a complete write-off. That's fine.

- Whatever.
- Nathan...

And so he hit you with a toaster

and kidnapped you,
but you know what they say?

Don't fuck a wounded bear!

Jamie's dead.

He's standing right there.

What?

He's dead, son.
He was in a car. It caught fire.

I've just had to go and identify his body.

(MOBILE PHONE BUZZES)

This is his mother.
I've got to talk to her.

Hi.

You're dead?

Yeah.

So how come I can see you?

I guess it's cos you're immortal.

No, this isn't happening. No.

I can fix this. How do I fix this?

- You can't.
- I don't want you to die, mate.

It wasn't down to you...

...so don't go all mental about it.

To be honest, it's not so bad.

So if you're dead,
what am I doing here, exactly?

I wanted you to sort things out with Dad.

Look, no of fence, but I think
it's going to take more than you dying

to fix years of resentment,

missed birthdays
and all that dysfunctional bullshit,

but it was a lovely thought(!)

(SNIFFLES)

Look at him.

I went to the hospital
when Jamie was born.

His mum was asleep.

I was just standing there,
looking down at him.

(SIGHS)

I thought I had to choose.

I chose you and your mum.

He didn't even know I was there.

I thought I was doing the right thing.

I wasn't there for either of you.

I was a selfish prick.

I'm sorry...Nathan.

JAMIE: He wants to make this right.

You want this, so don't be a dick.

I will haunt you
for the rest of your life.

All right!

I'm starving.

Do you want to buy me breakfast or not?

Yeah, OK. OK.

So, can I drive?

Have you passed your test?

Passed my test?! I give the tests!

So you haven't.

No.

(WHISPERS) I'm fucking her.

What?

Nothing.

Hey.

Where've you been?

You know, just hanging out

- with my dead brother.
- What are you talking about?

I see dead people.

So there's a thing.

I'm sorry to hear about Jamie, yeah?

You were there for him.

(SIMON CLEARS HIS THROAT)

The guy in the mask.

I followed him. I know where he lives.

Yeah? What do you want us to do about it?

I think we should
go round there and talk to him.

This is it.

So what do we do now?

Jesus!

Oh, subtle(!) I'm sure no-one heard that.

This is a girl's bedroom.

So now we're saying
he's a cross-dresser?

Something's wrong.

I'm going to take a shit in his bed.

What?!

- I don't think you should do that.
- We need to send a message.

Let him know he can't fuck with us.

And how does taking a shit
in his bed do that, exactly?

They did it in The Godfather.

They put a horse's head in the bed.

Well, have you got a horse's head?

That's me, I'm off.

This isn't his flat.

So why did he lead us here?

Maybe he knew I was following him.

I'm done.

Who are you?

Why are you in my flat?

It's you.

NATHAN: Can someone
grab me some toilet paper?

NATHAN: I love him.

Are you trying to tell me
you're gay or something?

Gay, straight, retarded, why do we
have to put labels on everything?

I feel like I know you.

Well, you can help yourself.

You're...touching me.

Who are you?