Misfits (2009–2013): Season 1, Episode 6 - Episode #1.6 - full transcript

- You killed our probation worker.
- He's got Tony's credit card.

It doesn't prove he murdered Tony.
The most we can do him for is fraud.

Don't take this the wrong way,

but you look like
a panty-sniffer. (SNIFFS)

Well, look at you, using your powers,
being all superhero.

Everyone can do something except me.

You don't need to use your power on me.
I'm already there.

NATHAN: I'm not getting a shag
now I'm a homeless.

Do you want me to walk you home?

So I guess we're getting serious, then.

Do you wanna go for a drink with me?



I'm your probation worker.

SIMON: You were just using me.

ELLIE: I was a nasty slut.

I went with so many boys and girls,

girls and boys at the same time.

I took part in...

disgusting,

perverted, unnatural acts.

I was drinking

and taking drugs.

I used bad language all the time.

I called my mum...

a "fat bitch".

(SHOCKED GASPS)



But I'm not like that any more.

I'm a good person.

(APPLAUSE)

That...

That ain't normal.

She went to my school.

This one time, she's doing this boy
I know in her dad's car, yeah?

She gets off him and sits
on the gear stick.

She's on there for, like,
20 minutes, literally...

(MOANING)

Try that in your driving test,
you are definitely getting a fail.

Or a pass.

And maybe some kind
of internal injury.

(INDISTINCT)

KELLY: It's the same with
some girls on my estate.

No-one's even getting
pregnant any more.

What about your friends?

I believe that's generally
referred to as a "pedophile ring".

I'm not a pedophile.

Yeah? You'd screw your own sister
for a slice of cheese.

I don't even like cheese.

That makes it even worse,
you sick bastard.

Maybe she's done sitting on
her dad's gear stick. It's a thought.

It's not just her, is it?

ALISHA: Oh, yeah, look there's more.

CURTIS: I know him.

UM Vow.!

Can I help you?

Why are you all dressed like retards?

There's a meeting in
the community centre tonight.

You should come along and find out.

All of you.

Right. Cool. See you there, buddy.

CURTIS: He used to be a right headcase.

- RACHEL: Bring your friends.
- This is weird.

They need our help.

Things have to change.

(it THE RAPTURE'. Echoes)

# The city breathing
The people churning

# The conversating
The price is what?

# The conversating
This place is heaven

# And if you see them... #

KELLY: She's never late.

I think she's gone on holiday.

CURTIS: Did she tell you that?

- She said she was going to Greece.
- No...

They would've sent
someone to cover her.

NATHAN: We should phone
probation headquarters

and get them to send someone
down here now to supervise us.

Fuck!

(NATHAN PUFFS)

Well, this is intense.

Don't, Nathan.

Whoo-hoo!

(MOANING)

Can you get me a can of Coke?

Fuck me.

What?

Don't you have any shame?

Don't you have any dress sense?
Seriously, you look like my mum.

And you look like a slut.

Are you for real?

You think having sex with boys
will make them respect you?

If you behave like a slut,
they'll treat you like a slut.

Freak.

(ECHOING) You don't need
to behave like this.

You can be so much better.

You just need to ignore Nathan.
He's a dick.

He doesn't care what
anyone says to him.

He thinks it's the same for everyone.

It's not, though, is it?

Me and you. We're not like that.

I'll talk to him.
I'll tell him to back off, yeah?

I did it for you,

all of you.

I did it to protect you.

What you talking about?

Nothing.

(RATTLING)

So this photo in the magazine.
Is that actually you?

Is it?

So do you get any training?

I'm just making conversation.

I'll call you back, OK.

I'm looking for Sally.

- Who?
- She's a probation worker.

Oh, haven't seen her, man.

Can I take a message?

You're all right.

OK.

(DIALING)

What's he doing here?

- Who is he?
- He's police.

Morning!

What is up with that?

You want to tell me what's going on?

What's with the makeover?

If you dress like a slut,
people will treat you like a slut.

What's happened to you?

I'm sorting my life out.

All the drugs and the drink-driving.

I've done so many things
I'm ashamed of.

And I...
touched myself in front of you.

(LAUGHS) I'm pretty sure you enjoyed it.

Well, I shouldn't be masturbating
in public toilets.

I'm saving myself until I'm ready
to make a proper commitment.

- It's a bit late for that.
- No, it's never too late.

And it's not too late for you either.

'Lisha, what is this?

Has it got something to do
with that lot we saw yesterday?

- You should come to our meeting.
- Did they do something to you?

You used to have so much
going for you. You threw it all away.

So pathetic.

This isn't you.

We can help you, Curtis.

Excuse me.

You know using marijuana can cause
epilepsy and mental illness?

I'm talking to you!

What's wrong with you?

(ECHOING) You don't need
to behave like this.

You can be so much better.

(MUSIC BLARES ON EARPHONES)

Nice cardigan(!)

CURTIS: She's saying all this weird stuff
about sex and that.

She says she's saving herself

until she's ready
to make a proper commitment.

NATHAN: It's a sad day for all of us

when a bird like that decides
it's time to pull up her knickers.

You realise that's my girlfriend
you're talking about?

And I feel your pain.

Wash your hands before you touch me.

- KELLY: Have you finished?
- The beast is back in his cage.

He is sleeping. Shhh!

It's that lot we saw yesterday.
She's dressing like that.

They did something to her.

What, like brainwashing or something?

SIMON: It's the storm.

NATHAN: How d'you know that?
You don't know that?

When weird stuff happens,
it's always the storm.

Haven't you worked that out yet?

CURTIS: He's got a point.

Did you just suddenly grow a set of balls?

I've always had a set of balls.
You've just never seen them.

That is about the gayest thing
I've ever heard.

Shut up. We need to find out
what's going on with her.

Alisha?

- What are you doing?
- Waiting for you.

Alisha!

(STRUGGLING) Alisha!

Get off me!

Alisha!

(HE HUMS HAPPILY)

I got pizza.

Why do you give Simon so much grief?
Leave him alone, yeah?

I'm just screwing around.

Well, it's not screwing around to him.
There's stuff going on with him.

Do you love him?

- Ow! Jesus.
- Just leave it, then.

All right, touchy.
I'll leave your boyfriend alone.

Is that a sock? Aw, it's crusty.

Ah, don't put it on my pizza.

Why are you sleeping with
a crusty sock in your bed?

All right. Yes. It's my wank sock.

Oh, no! Use some tissue!

That requires planning.
Who's that organised?

Oh, don't use a sock.

Look, you've just
knocked one out, right?

Poom-byo!

You're lying there,
you're feeling cheap and deflated.

There's a pool of rapidly cooling
spunk on your stomach.

You're looking round
for something to mop up with.

Oh, hello. What's this? It's a sock.

Job done. Thank you.

Maybe that's your power.

I am very good at it.

Have you had any more ideas
what it could be yet?

I give up. I obviously haven't got one.
It's bullshit. Where's the logic, huh?

You're better off without it.
They're a pain in the arse.

You know why it is, though?

Because you can't improve on perfection.

Huh?

Look,but don't touch.

Don't think about shagging her.
Don't think about shagging her.

You're thinking about shagging her.
You're an idiot.

You heard that, didn't you? I'm a man.
We think about shagging everyone.

- Thanks a lot(!)
- I didn't mean it like that.

You are so shit at this.
How do you ever get laid?

L...get girls really, really drunk.

So...

do you wanna steal some booze?

I should really have
my own keys cut for the bar.

(DOOR OPENS)

Get off me!

(MUFFLED PROTESTS)

NATHAN: Is it just me, or does
this look really suspicious?

CURTIS: Alisha!
Get off me!

KELLY: It's Curtis!

No, there's too many of them.

And I'm not very good at fighting.

I never have been.

- What's she saying to them?
- Fuck knows.

- Did she just...virginise him?
- (APPLAUSE)

KELLY: She's put one of those ribbons
on him. They're all wearing 'em.

You mean one of these ribbons?

- (APPLAUSE)
- PEOPLE: Burn it! Burn it!

- Burn the drugs!
- Free yourself!

- Burn the drugs!
- (CHEERING)

MAN: Bravo!

WOMAN: Burn the dildo!

Have you seen Curtis?

They got him last night
in the community centre.

There was some spooky shit.

It's her. She's doing this to them.

What are the aims of your organisation?

We're trying to encourage self-respect,

responsible behaviour,
respect for the law.

What's so wrong with being good?

Do you have a message
for the young people watching?

All this drinking, and the drugs
and the anti-social behaviour.

You don't need to behave like this.

You can be so much better.

Where is she?

Ah, there's never a probation worker
around when you need one.

You were sucking up to her
last week. Where is she?

I don't know.

KELLY: We need to tell someone
what she's doing.

Oh, yeah. Right.
"Help! Everyone's stopped taking drugs,

"and urinating in the street."
Who are we gonna tell?

This is every policeman
and parent's wet dream.

C'mon, Barry. You're good at this stuff.
Think of something.

Who's Barry?

You are.

- His name is Simon.
- Is it?

I thought it was Barry.

Sorry, man.

It's Curtis and Alisha out there.
It's down to us.

No-one else is gonna do shit.

NATHAN: Oh, shit!

We need to get her away from here.

We need to find out
what they've done to her.

What about her power?
We can't touch her.

And what if that "virtue bitch" shows up?

She's vexing them with some kind
of Derren Brown voodoo mind shit.

We need to gear up.

(MUSIC THUMPING)

What are you doing?

You gotta have the right track
for this kind of thing.

You need something up-tempo,
with a bit of edge to it.

I'm thinking Jay-Z,
maybe a bit of Dizzee.

You could be getting into
a whole race thing...

- Just pick one, for fuck's sake.
- Oh, hold on.

Oh, yes.

That's the baby.

(DRIVING RHYTHM)

(HEADPHONES BLARE)

We'll take her out
through the fire exit.

You two go round the back,
check nobody's there. Don't screw up.

I won't.

Let's do it.

(# LADY GAGA: Just Dance)

- Have you seen Alisha?
- I have just shat my guts out.

Why are you wearing rubber gloves?

- (MUSIC LEAKS OUT)
- I like your shoes...

- Brown.
- What?

- What are you two up to?
- I got to go to the chemists.

I'll catch you later, big boy.

(# LADY GAGA: Just Dance)

- (MUSIC LEAKING OUT)
- Kelly?

Kelly! Curtis saw us.
I think he's onto us.

- How's she supposed to hear us?
- What?

That girl, she's brainwashing you.
Come with us and we can help you.

Kelly! Turn your iPod off!

Kelly!

- You've got it all wrong.
- Kelly!

You're the one that needs help.
Come to our meetings.

ALISHA: Kelly, what are you doing?
Get off!

Alisha? Alisha? Are you in there?

It's Kelly!
She's trying to take me somewhere!

- Curtis!
- They're trying to take Alisha.

There's a girl called Kelly
in there with her.

Nathan!

Kelly! Open the door!

Kelly!

Kelly, listen to me.
You don't need to behave like this.

You can be so much better.

She can't hear you.
She's listening to music.

Alisha. Rip her earphones out!

Nathan!

Open the door!

Kelly, they're coming for her!
Leave her!

Nathan! Nathan!

We can help you!

- Go!
- We have to go.

I'm not leaving her! Kelly!

- Come on!
- Shit!

They're coming for you.
They're gonna turn you retarded.

You're next! You're next!

BOTH: You should come
to one of our meetings.

They're everywhere!

Come on, use your power. Save us.

After everything you've done to me,
you want me to save you?

Yes. Get on with it, you little freak!

You're gonna save yourself?

You selfish bastard! I'll remember this!

I thought we were friends!

Just back the fuck up!

Get on!

(NATHAN LAUGHS)

FUCK you!

Ow!

Who are you?

Thanks for saving me and everything.

You could've just
stopped and let me off.

Kelly. It's me. Where are you?

Answer your phone.
I'm losing it here!

I'm freaking out!

Call me, yeah?

GIRL: Graffiti isn't art, it's vandalism.

(SCUFFLING)

(KNOCKING)

Kelly?

Kelly?

Nathan?

- Oh, no.
- Why are you in my bedroom?

What did they do to you?

I think I look nice.

OK. Yeah. I suppose you could argue
it's a huge improvement.

I get that. It's not you.

That's a good thing.

I had a terrible attitude.
I was so aggressive.

Yes, but in a good way.
You're the only person

who gives me a slap.
There's no bullshit with you.

I was a horrible chav.

I didn't like who I was.

I... I did.

I can't believe I'm going to say this.

I liked your attitude.

I liked how you looked -
the way you scraped your hair back

so sometimes you looked
a bit oriental. It worked for me.

And your jewellery,
you know, Argos has a bad press.

Who says you can't buy
an engagement ring

and a George Foreman Grill
at the same time?

Your make-up...

This is probably better, actually...

Look, what I'm trying to say here is that
it should've been a complete car crash.

But it wasn't.

It had attitude.

Like you.

It was you and now you're not...

'Nu.

Look at ya.

You haven't achieved anything.

You're a waste of space.
You're such a loser.

- There's no need to get personal.
- We can help you.

I never...should've left you back there.

I shouldn't have left you. I'm sorry.

That was really inappropriate.

(SIGHS)

OVER PA: The train now approaching
platform one is the...

(TRAIN APPROACHES)

- MAN: Good morning.
- Good morning.

All right?

Beautiful weather, isn't it?

(# DEAN MARTINI That's Amore)

Nathan.

I'm so glad you're with us now.

I'm so pleased to be here.

I was such a loser.
The drugs, the sex...

all that fast food.
I was so miserable.

I hear you.
You were such an annoying idiot.

What's this?

Oh, it's a petition. We're campaigning
against contraceptives

being given out in schools.
Will you sign it?

There's only one thing young ladies
should be inserting in themselves...

and that's knowledge.

Please excuse me.

(# WAR: Low Rider)

# All my friends know the low rider

# The low rider is a little higher... #

Change them back to how they were.

OK. Just stay calm.
What's your name?

Your voodoo won't work on me.
I can't hear a word you're saying.

Now, whatever you did
to them, undo it.

- They're better off as they are...
- (MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH)

Everyone was teasing me
for being a virgin...

(MUFFLED SOUND)

I'm a nice person
and they treated me like a freak.

- Blah blah blah. Change them back.
- I can't.

- I can't, even if I wanted to!
- I'm gonna shoot you in the face.

- I don't understand how it works.
- What's that?

This is ridiculous!

You think I won't do this?
I will put a bullet in your skull!

Nathan.

Nathan, what are you doing?

I'm gonna stop this. She did this to you.

Are you reading a university prospectus?

Oh, Jesus! This ends now.

Kelly.

Kelly, don't!

Help! Someone help me!

Everybody stay the fuck down
or I will shoot her in the face.

You, down, down now. Stay down!

Everybody, stay down.

Get back.

No funny stuff. Get up!

Everybody down!

In there.

Stay there!

Where are you gonna go?

Nathan, please just let her go.

She's got you thinking
this is how you're supposed to be.

Well, it's not!

We're young.
We're supposed to drink too much.

We're supposed to have bad attitudes
and shag each other's brains out.

We are designed to party. This is it.

Yeah, so a few of us will overdose
or go mental.

But Charles Darwin said

you can't make an omelette
without breaking a few eggs.

And that's what it's all about-
breaking eggs!

And by eggs, I do mean, getting
twatted on a cocktail of Class As.

If you could just see yourselves!

It breaks my heart.
You're wearing cardigans!

We had it all.

We fucked up bigger and better than
any generation that came before us.

We were so beautiful!

We're screw-ups.

I'm a screw-up

and I plan to be a screw-up
until my late 20s,

maybe even my early 30s.

And I will shag my own mother
before I let her...

or anyone else take that away from me!

Your gun's leaking.

So you threatened me
with a water pistol!

You're just like the rest of them,
aren't you?

- You'd be so much happier if you...
- I still can't hear you.

Oh! You idiot!

All right, love, calm down.
Honk, honk, honk!

(SHE SCREAMS)

Save me, Barry!

Aaarrgh!

(GASPS)

What am I wearing?

What are you wearing?

Where's Nathan?

(em SCREAMS)

Nathan! No!

No.

Rewind time.
Stop this happening. Do it!

I don't know how to do it!

You got to save him.
He's not allowed to die!

We should go celebrate.

Not celebrate like, "Whoo! I'm so happy!"
Just like, you know...

Can we just go for a drink?

Kelly...come on.

(DRUM 'N' BASS PLAYS)

To Nathan.

Prick.

SIMON: Up on the roof.

I tried to save him.

There was nothing I could do.

I'm sorry.

- I'm gonna go.
- Stay for another drink.

I'll see you Monday.

I'm gonna go too.

- See you later.
- Later.

# If you don't care

# About me

# Any more... #

Kelly.

This is for you.

- What is it?
- Watch it.

Pervert...

He's trying to kiss me,
he's trying to kiss me!

- Give it back!
- Ow, stop hitting!

Cock, anus, bit of ball sack...

If I was trying to wind you up, I think
I'd be a little bit more creative.

I know what film you saw
last summer.

Where are the other
ASBO shitheads?

Well done! Really, I'm touched,
I've got a lump in my throat.

Twat!

Pervert!

Melon-fucker!

I've got a power, I know it,
I can feel it in my balls.

Ah!

Ahh!

I wasn't ready.

Where are the brakes on this thing?
Oh, shit!

Shh!

So do we have a deal?

High five!

Oh, come on, I was only joking.
You'll regret this!

Classic!

# True, it may seem like a stretch

# But it's thoughts like this

# That catch my troubled head

# When you're away

# When I am missing you to death

# When you were out there on the road

# For several weeks of... #

(MOANING AND GROANING)

Ah, I'm alive.

I didn't die.

I'm immortal.

That's it - I've got a power!

I bloody knew it. I've got a power!

Ha-ha! Who's laughing now?

Help!

(BANGS)

Help!

I'm alive!

Ah!

You buried me alive, you dicks!

Help!

I'm immortal.

That's just great(!)
Thank you, thanks a lot(!)

Un-fucking-believable!

(# BLUR: To The End)

# All those dirty words

# Jusqu'é la fin

# They make us look so dumb

# En plein soleil

# We've been drinking far too much

# Jusqu'é la fin

# And neither of us mean what we say

# En plein amour

# Well you and I

# Collapsed in love

# And it looks like
we might have made it

# Yes, it looks like
we've made it to the end

# What happened to us?

# Jusqu'é la fin... #