Misfits (2009–2013): Season 1, Episode 5 - Episode #1.5 - full transcript

- What is that?
- KELLY: The storm, the lightning!

It's just done something to us.

SIMON: Something's happened to me too.
I turned invisible.

Look at me!

All I have to do is touch you.

SIMON: They'll think
the probation worker's still alive.

Someone must be using
his credit card. It's them.

- I saw you with that girl.
- It just happened, like.

- I didn't mean it to.
- (ECSTATIC GROANING)

SAM: My life is fucked
and that's on you.

- Pervert!
- What are you doing?



- Give it back.
- Come on, we'll do an interview.

(CHUCKLES) First question. Have you
ever had sex with a piece of fruit?

- Give me my phone.
- Second question. Was it a melon?

(SHRIEKS) Ah, he's trying to kiss me!

- He's trying to kiss me!
- Just give it back!

KELLY: Give him his phone back,
you prick.

NATHAN: Ow, stop hitting me!

Have your little toy. Melon-fucker!

SIMON: Don't touch my phone.

He's got Tony's credit card.
It was in here.

Why did you put it back?

You need to catch him using it-
it's evidence against him.

- Sally...
- It's here somewhere.

Even if we catch him using it,
it doesn't prove he murdered Tony.



- How else would he have got it?
- Maybe he found it.

The most we can do him for is fraud.

Sally, stop. He'll know
someone's been in there.

Sally!

You keep this up,
you're gonna lose your job.

I know this is difficult.

He's got Tony's credit card.

I'm sorry. It's not enough.

(it THE RAPTURE'. Echoes)

# The city breathing
The people churning

# The conversating
The price is what?

# The conversating
This place is heaven

# And if you see them
They're saying what? #

What is this?

This is your chance
to talk about community service.

(LAUGHS WRYLY) It's... bullshit.

So do you think
that you've learned anything?

Yeah. Don't get caught.

Fine.

- How do you think you've changed?
- Urn...

I think I'm taller.

They graffiti and we clean it off.
They graffiti and we clean it off.

They graffiti and we clean it off.
What is that about?

- (MOBILE PHONE RINGS)
- Ooh. Hello?

Rough in the jungle,
innit, in the jungle?

Rough in the jungle, innit,
in the jungle?

You're fuckin' lying! (LAUGHS)

Do I look like
I'm some kind of fuckin' knob?

Do I?

It's not easy, being you, is it?

What do you mean?

I mean, how do you get along
with the others?

It must be hard. You're not like them.

You're more... mature.

Why has he been in there
longer than the rest of us?

He's obviously making more progress.
He's such a little arse-kisser.

So have you thought about what
you want to do when this is over?

I don't know.

Would you like to go to college
or get a j...?

(GIBBERING)

He's such a twat.

Sorry, that was really unprofessional.

He is a twat.

So what do you like doing?
Come on, there must be something.

I like making videos,
editing them together and that.

Really? Well, I have a friend
who runs an editing suite.

I could ask him about
some work experience for you,

if that's what you're interested in.

Yeah.

There's no need to look so shocked.
I'm not that bad, am I?

- No.
- I should do some work.

Thank you.

For what?

It's nice there's someone I can
actually have a conversation with.

Thanks.

We never did find out
who was putting notes in our lockers.

What did I say? I said they had nothing.
They were just pissing in the wind.

- You don't know what they got on us.
- Maybe they're watching us right now.

This shit is old news.

We have outfoxed the fox,
which makes us very bloody foxy.

(GIGGLES)

You like that, huh? Yeah.

- Do you wanna come to mine tonight?
- Can't. Gotta baby-sit my nephew.

How about I come with you?

My aunt and uncle are well religious.
Don't even have a TV cos of all the sex.

Man, they take one look at you...

- Are you saying I look dirty?
- Yeah.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

(HORN HONKS)

I thought that was you.
D'you want a lift?

I'm offering you a lift, Simon.
It's not illegal.

Get in.

Hey.

- Let's go somewhere quiet.
- OK.

(HE PANTS)

Why are you looking at me like that?

I can't see you any more.

- Are you finishing with me?
- I'm sorry.

Tell me why. Tell me.

There are things going on with me,
things I can't tell you about.

- What things?
- It's nothing you've done. It's me.

I've changed.

No, you can't do this to me.

- Don't do this.
- I'm sorry.

Please.

(PANTS)

Why are you looking at me like that?

It's nothing.

Nothing.

Let's get a drink.

So what's going on
with Curtis and Alisha?

Oh, come on. I'm not blind.

Are they seeing each other?

I suppose so.

Well, Alisha's a very beautiful girl,
isn't she?

So what else do you lot get up to
when I'm not around?

Nothing.

Really?

It's OK. I'm not sure
I wanna know, anyway.

So are you up to anything exciting
this evening?

I'll probably just go online.
How about you?

I'll watch some television,
get an early night.

God, I sound boring.

I don't think you're boring.

Thanks.

See you tomorrow.

NATHAN: What if I can talk to animals?
KELLY: Why would you even think that?

I saw this basset hound
eating a kebab off the pavement.

I was like, "You dirty bastard,"

and this basset hound
gave me a right funny look.

- He probably thought you were a twat.
- No, it wasn't that kind of look.

It was more like,
"Are you talking to me?"

"Are you talking to me?"

See? Babies.
That's why I always use a condom.

And if the girl looks dirty, I use two.

Belt and braces.

(BREATHES RAGGEDLY)

(Mo/ms)

(MOANS SOFTLY)

Woah.

(CHUCKLES)

(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)

Who's that?

It's a mate.

(WOLF WHISTLES)

- Come on, let's go again.
- Really?

- I'm good to go.
- (CHUCKLES)

Hey, you seen Curtis?

- Who are you?
- I'm his girlfriend.

Do you know where he is?

Uh... he's been arrested.

- What for?
- For...exposing himself.

- What?
- Yeah, flashing.

At some Scouts.

Try tying a knot in that!
Or maybe you have.

Very funny. When you see him,
can you get him to call Sam?

OK.

She seems nice. (LAUGHS)

Your girlfriend was here.
The other one. (LAUGHS)

We covered for you, though.

I always wanted to be a cheat.
I'm just too disorganized.

I struggle to remember one girl's name.

It's not like that.
I've tried to finish with Sam.

I tell her it's over, she starts to cry

and you know what it's like
when girls cry.

- Horrible.
- I feel so guilty.

Time rewinds
and it's like I never said it.

I've ended it six times.
She cries, I'm back where I started.

It's doing my head in.
I just need it to be over.

You need to make her hate you.

Seriously. She's steaming,
she's telling you you've got a tiny dick,

you're crap in bed.

You don't feel guilty,
maybe time won't rewind.

You gotta be brutal, man.
Get her riled.

Tell her she's got nasty snatch gunk.

I don't even know what that is.

You know, it's the...
it's the stuff that comes out.

Oh! I'm not saying that.

She hasn't done nothing wrong.
I can't hurt her.

I hear you, man.

Don't put your arm around me.

It's these powers, man.

No matter what you do,

the ones you love
will be the ones who pay.

Right.

See you later, chief.

(CHILD CRIES)

- Who are you?
- (CHILD LAUGHS)

Oh...

- (CHILD LAUGHS)
- Hello.

Hmm?

Who are you?

(HE LAUGHS)

- WOMAN: Finn?
- (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)

(WOMAN PANTS)

Oh, where did you go, eh?

- Oh.
- Come here.

- He's always crawling off.
- He's beautiful.

Oh, thanks.

- What's his name?
- Finn.

Finn. So how old is he?

Nine months.

He must take a lot of looking after.

Yeah, just a bit. Only had
two hours' sleep last night, didn't I?

Is there no-one to help you?
Where's his dad?

Uh, he's not around.

Really? Can l...? Can I hold him?
Maybe I could play with him for a while.

Huh? We could hang out.

Nathan! What the hell are you doing?

Oh. I found a baby.

Bye, Finn!

Did you see him?

He is beautiful.

Are you taking the piss?

No.

Simon.

Hi.

I've spoken to a few people
about getting you work experience.

- They're gonna come back to me.
- Thanks.

Are you OK?

Do you...? Are you doing anything?

Well, I was going home.

Do you want a drink? I mean, with me.

Do you wanna go for a drink with me?

Simon... I'm your probation worker.

I can't.

I'm sorry.

Simon!

Hey. What did you want
to talk to me about?

I can't see you any more.

You're finishing with me?

Why?

Cos I'm gay-

(LAUGHS) You're gay?

Mm-hm.

So... What, it was all a lie?

- Everything?
- Wait...

- How could you do that to me?
- What are you doing?

- Do I mean nothing to you?
- Wait, no, don't cry.

Hey. What did you want
to talk to me about?

I can't see you any more.

You're finishing with me? Why?

Cos you're fat. You're large.

- Kind of round.
- What?

I've got three months left to live.
I don't want to waste it with you.

Cos I'm impotent
and I know how much you love cock.

- Why are you being like this?
- Cos you got...weird tits.

And nasty snatch gunk.

I'm sorry.

You're finishing with me?

And you're gonna ask me why
and I can't tell you.

There are things going on with me,
things I can't tell you about.

No matter what I do, the ones I love
will be the ones who pay.

Is that from Spider-Man?

- What?
- What you just said.

- That's from Spider-Man.
- N...

You're dumping me
with a line from Spider-Man?

No, no.

You immature, pathetic, shallow bastard!

- It's not from Spider-Man!
- Have you got no respect for me?

- I thought you were better than that.
- Sam!

- Oh!
- You stay away from me!

(GROANS)

Done.

They asked me if I wanted
small or large.

- I said large.
- You trying to get me drunk?

No.

I'm joking.

- Maybe I should get you drunk.
- Why?

Because I reckon you're quite cute
when you're drunk.

- Who's that?
- I went to school with him.

A friend?

He lives next door to me.

He stopped speaking to me
when we started secondary school.

Did he give you a hard time?

Every morning when I woke up,
I felt sick just thinking about it.

I told my parents and the teachers.

They knew it was happening.

No-one did anything.

Was it his house
you tried to burn down?

A few months ago, he sent me a text
inviting me to this club.

I thought he wanted to apologise.

I get to the club,
I walk up to him and his mates.

He texted me by mistake.

- It was so humiliating.
- Simon...

I was so angry, I...

I got drunk.

I started thinking about everything
he did to me at school.

I lost it.

I went round to his house.

I made sure his family were out.

I soaked some tissues in lighter fluid.

I lit them and dropped them
through the letterbox.

- There was a cat.
- A cat?

Inside the house.

I thought, "The cat
didn't bully me at school.

"He hasn't done anything."

The carpet was just starting
to catch alight.

The cat was freaking out.

What did you do?

I put the fire out.

How?

I pissed through the letterbox.

This is when his mum comes home.
She starts screaming.

You know what it's like
once you've started. It's hard to stop.

It's not funny.

Sorry. (LAUGHS)

I'm sorry.

(LAUGHS)

(# THE xx; Stars)

So are you gonna walk me home?

Let's go.

Let's give them something to talk about.

All right?

This is me.

Do you wanna come in?

Maybe this isn't such a good idea.

- I'm sorry.
- No, it's my fault.

See you tomorrow.

(GLASSWARE CLINKS)

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)

(# DAMIEN RICE: Delicate)

(TV PLAYS)

So did you go with
"nasty snatch gunk", yeah?

- Tried it.
- Seriously?

- Yeah.
- (LAUGHS)

It's done. It's over.

You know what you said about,
"No matter what you do,

"the ones you love
will be the ones who pay"?

Mmm.

- Is that from Spider-Man?
- I don't know.

I was just trying to sound intelligent.

Prick.

Why are you complaining?
You got away with it.

Alisha didn't find out.
Job done. Sorted.

(BABY CRIES)

(BABY CRIES)

Do you hear that?

- What?
- A baby crying.

What are you talking about?

(BABY CRIES)

(BABY CRIES)

Do you hear that?

What?

The baby.

(BABY CRIES)

Hey there, little man.

Oh! It's all right. I'm here.

I think I've just seen Nathan
stealing a baby.

He just ran off with it.

Why would he take a baby?

If he gets caught, he's screwed.

Call the prick.

- Switched off.
- Fuck's sake.

We need to find him.

KELLY: Come on!

# I went to the animal fair... #

What's he doing?

# The big baboon
By the light of the moon

# Was combing his golden hair

# The monkey fell out of his bunk

# And slid down the elephant's trunk

# Ooh! The elephant sneezed
and fell to his knees

# And that was the end of the monkey

# Monkey, monkey, monkey, monkey,
monkey, monkey, monkey. #

What the fuck are you doing?

Hey! There's no need
for language like that.

Don't listen to her. That's a very bad
word and she should know better.

- You're acting like a freak.
- Give us the baby.

You're not taking him! He needs me.

- I think he's gone mental.
- Be my daddy. Be my daddy.

Be my daddy. Be my daddy.

Be my daddy. Be my daddy.
Be my daddy.

The baby, he's got power.

He's making you think
that you're the dad.

He needs a dad. I know what that's like.

My dad was never around.
Look what it did to me.

- I'm gonna be his daddy.
- You? You're gonna be its dad?

You're a homeless.
You're living in the community centre.

You got no money, no job.

- You're poor.
- And you've got a criminal record.

You can barely look after yourself.

Social Services
will take one look at you...

Seriously, the kid deserves better.
Way better.

Him and his mum can come and live
with me at the community centre.

I can get free food
from the vending machines.

I'll steal booze from the kitchen.
I'll steal from other babies.

I'll go to the park
and forage for nuts and berries.

You prick.

Why am I holding this baby?

I'm not being sexist but one of
you girls needs to take this off me

before I drop it on its head.

- Why have you got my baby?!
- Yeah...

- Did you take him?
- No! No.

You stay away from him!

- All right? You stay away from him.
- He didn't take him.

We found him outside.
We were bringing him back.

He's all right.

Why do you keep crawling off? Eh?
He already thinks I'm a shit mum.

I don't know what to do.
It's like I'm not enough for him.

- You should take him to see his dad.
- Yeah, well, he's not interested.

Trust me, as soon as he sees him,
he'll want to be his dad again.

I promise ya.

Yeah, well,
thanks for bringing him back.

Well, look at you, using your powers,
being all superhero.

So is it always this tidy
or is it just to impress me?

It's always this tidy.

- Is this all the stuff you've recorded?
- Some of it.

Most of it's on hard drive.

Well, I'd love to watch something.

That's really good.
You're very talented.

What's this?

Do you remember that storm
a few weeks ago?

Yeah, it was just before I started,
wasn't it?

Do you have any more footage?
I'd love to see that.

That's it.

Oh.

Do you want a coffee?

Mmm. Love one.

Simon, I've got to go.

I've got a friend coming over
and I completely forgot. I'm sorry.

I'll see you tomorrow.

I'm really sorry.

NATHAN: What is going on
with this weather?

- (ALARM WAILS)
- That's my car.

NATHAN: What have I told you
about filming us on that thing?!

Hi.

There's something I need to tell you.

Alisha, it's not how it sounds!

How long?
How long have you been with her?

It's complicated.

You're the first person I've been faithful
to and you're cheating on me?

You have no idea what happened to me
last week. You don't know!

All right, there's another version
of history, yeah?

There's a few versions.

In the first one, Sam went to jail
for a drug deal that went bad.

It was my fault. I turned back time.

I had the chance to change everything
but I messed up and Sam died.

So I went back again,
to save her, which I did,

but that meant you
and all the others, Simon and Kelly,

you all died.

So I went back again.

I saved Sam and you and everyone else.

I come back to the present and...
and Sam's still my girlfriend.

- Only you are too.
- Seriously?

Yeah.

Were you with her when
you were getting together with me?

Not the first time but everything changed,
so... I guess I must've been.

Wait. Are you cheating on me with her
or are you cheating on her with me?

I have no idea. I didn't mean
to cheat on either of you.

- Don't even know if it is cheating.
- I split up with her.

I couldn't lie to you.
I don't want us to be like that.

Oh, I get it. So you're telling me,
even though you didn't have to.

Yeah.

I can't do these big
relationship moments, all right?

I won't shag anyone either,
and if I do, I'll tell you about it.

Just don't shag anyone else, full stop.

- Fine!
- Fine.

So I guess we're getting serious, then.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Listen, I'm sorry
I had to leave early yesterday.

It's fine.

You've...

You've got dirt on your face.

I'll see you later.

- No way!
- What?

You and her?

- What are you talking about?
- I'm talking about... (GASPS)

- Don't tell anyone. Don't tell Nathan!
- I won't tell that prick anything.

Fit older woman.

Heavy.

- Curtis?
- Mmm?

Thanks.

Come on, baby. Come on, now.

Oh, yeah. Ooh, yeah.
Ooh, yeah. Ooh, yeah.

Come on, baby!

- Is that your tea?
- Starter, main course, dessert.

And a nice refreshing beverage
to wash it down.

You can't live on that shit.

Why don't you come round my house
and I'll cook you dinner?

- What are you cooking?
- Chicken nuggets.

Oh. I didn't realise
you were a trained chef.

- Do you wanna come or not?
- Are you asking me round for sex?

Oh, for God's sake.

She's cooking me "tea", man.
I think I'm in there. Phwoar!

I saw the light was on.

Have the others gone?

Yeah.

This, seeing you like this...

I could lose my job.

I won't tell anyone.

But I'm your probation worker.

It's wrong.

- Do you want me to go?
- No.

I'm such an idiot.

You're not an idiot.

Do you want a drink?

Yeah.

You get some wine from the kitchen.

I'll lock up.

So is it true?

What you said about
your dad not being around?

What if it is?

Moving on.

The thing with me snatching the baby...

You know...

What's that? Are you thanking me
for saving your arse?

I guess I am.

Oh!

These chicken nuggets
are cooked to perfection.

What?

Have you ever had a girlfriend?

Who was she?

I met her on holiday.

Really?

Did you ever...?

Did you ever have sex?

We just held hands.

We were only nine.

Come here.

Why?

Because I want to kiss you.

You go get more wine.

What have I told you
about filming us on that thing?

NATHAN: Pervert!

Here, have your little toy.

It's like that, is it?
So much for being united

by a horrific, life-changing,
shared experience.

You know, the situation.
We killed our probation worker!

It's like that, is it?

So much for being united by a horrific,
life-changing, shared experience.

Last week. You know.

The situation.

Oh, Jesus.

We killed our probation worker.

You shouldn't have taken my phone.

Give me the phone.

- You killed him.
- We had to.

He was crazy.

He was going to kill us.

Tony wouldn't hurt anyone.

The storm changed him.

It changed us all.

We have to tell the police.

You were just using me.

No.

Simon, no.

This is what you were after.

I had to find out what happened.

This was the only way. I'm sorry.

I know it wasn't you.
It was them, wasn't it?

You have to give evidence
against them. I'll help you.

Give me my phone!

Why are you protecting them?

You told me how they treat you.
They ignore you.

You told me you were lonely.

I never said that to you.

You?

You're Shygirl?

I loved Tony.

I just wanted to know what happened.

I didn't want to lie to you.

You're not like them, Simon.

You're not.

But you're the only person
that can help me.

I need you.

Would you do this for me?

Please?

Please?

Shit!

Simon?

(GASPS)

(SCREAMS)

(GASPS, SCREAMS)

I can't let you go to the police.

Simon, you don't owe them anything.

They're the only friends I've got.

(SIMON GROANS)

(ROARS)

# We might kiss

# When we are alone

# Nobody's watching

# Might take you home

# We might make out

# When nobody's there

# It's not that we're scared

# It's just that it's delicate

# So why d'you feel...? #

I'm looking for Sally.

- We can help you, Curtis.
- Nathan!

" Go!
' Kelly!

I've always had a set of balls.
You've just never seen them.

NATHAN: That is about
the gayest thing I've ever heard.

Get on with it, you little freak!

Alisha, stop!

I'm sorry.

I will put a bullet in your skull!

Kelly, don't! Everybody down.

We fucked up bigger and better

than any generation
that's come before us.

We were so beautiful!