Misfits (2009–2013): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript

What is that?

The storm, it's done
something to us.

Something's happened to me, too.
I turned invisible. Look at me!

- Time went backwards.
- What, you turned back time?

I've got to have sex
with you right now.

What is happening to me?

Everyone can do something,
except me?

She can't throw me out.
She's my mum.

You killed our probation worker!

If there's no body, there's no crime.

I'm pretty sure this
breaches the terms of my ASBO.



Someone knows.

They know we killed
our probation worker.

KELLY: Someone knows we killed him.

SIMON: Do you think it could be Sally?

CURTIS: Who's Sally?

SIMON: The probation worker.

NATHAN: Ooh! Sally!
Why d'you know her name?

SIMON: She told us.

NATHAN: You're a twat,
because Sally didn't show up

till the day after
we killed the other worker.

I suppose you know his name, too?

SIMON: Tony.

NATHAN: Do you love him?

KELLY: He's right. She wasn't here.



SIMON: If I'm invisible, I can see if
anyone puts anything in our lockers.

CURTIS: Sounds like a plan.

- You all right with that, yeah?
- Works for me.

Go on, then. Turn invisible.

I can't do it when everyone's
watching me.

So I guess it's like pissing at a urinal
if you've got a tiny cock.

Well, that's, er,
really impressive.

Hey, you lot! Did you see it?

OK, so, all these clothes have been
donated by members of the public

and we need to sort them before
we ship them out to Africa.

Just another day in paradise.

Yeah, well, I'm sure
the people receiving them

will be grateful for your hard work.

They should be.
They're getting a new wardrobe.

You are so wrong.

These are the categories
to sort them into.

It's children's clothes, shoes,
coats, that kind of thing.

OK, so, if you've got any questions,
just ask.

If a bear and a shark had a fight,
who would win?

If you've got any
relevant questions, just ask.

Oh, and if it's on dry land,

I'd bet on the bear.

Hey, look.

Knickers, right in the face.

- Suits you.
- Fuck off.

- Get off me!
- (SCREAMS)

Ski wear. Classic.

Try walking ten miles
to the well in these.

Hey, hey, hey. Who am I?

# One lo-o-ve...

# One meh-he-meh...

# Heh, heh, ho-woah

# Hah-oh... #

C'mon!

OK.

All right, all right - I'll give
you a clue. I'm an annoying cunt.

Yeah, we know that.

I'm Bono!

(DOOR SLAMMING)

- Who's that?
- It's the girl I had a fight with.

I've got to do some restorative
justice bollocks with her.

Hey, Bono, yeah?

What?

- I don't know why I bother.
- Jodi's here. Come on.

Suits you.

WOMAN: So, have you anything
you'd like to say to Kelly?

I've got nothin' to say to her.

Kelly - would you like to
tell Jodi why you hit her?

Yeah. Cos if you go round
saying someone's a slag,

you're gonna get a slap.

(SUCKS TEETH)

ls there something
up with your teeth?

SALLY: OK. How you are you two
going to resolve this?

# Ahhhhhhhhhh! #

Take the roller skates off.

And the goggles.

Take them off!

Ah, this is bullshit.
We're never gonna be mates.

I heard you and Darren broke up.

Yeah.

I heard he dumped ya.
What's that about?

- What is it to you?
- Let's keep things friendly.

You're better off without him.
He's a rat faced glue sniffer.

Kelly.

- Are you sayin' he's got a rat face?
- Yeah, he's proper ratty.

Don't even be talking about him!

What d'you care?
Cos he dumped ya!

Fuckin'...

Kelly!

You see how it feels, bitch!

She's getting life. She head butt me!

Just get out.

- You slut whore!
- Calm down.

KELLY: Shut up, you twat!

WOMAN: Kelly!

I was tryin' to be nice!

I think that went pretty well.

How comes you never talk about
what happened when you got arrested?

Nothin' to talk about.

See? That just makes me more curious.

C'mon. Give it up!

I was buying some coke.

Me and this girl I was seeing.

Sam.

The police caught us.

That sucks.

I had one wrap on me.

She had the rest of it.

She was done for intent to supply.

What happened?

She went to prison.

- Six months.
- Shit.

Are you still with her?

Everything that was happening...
it was too messy.

So...you're not with anyone?

Nah.

What?

What?

You know what.

I know you want to.

- All I have to do is touch you.
- Don't.

I could have you...

...any time I want.

Quit doing that, man. Leave it!

Stop being such a dick.

Oh, you're so beautiful!

All right, Curtis, wait!

Curtis!

Curtis!

I'm always thinking of you.
I just want to be with you.

I know you do. Come on.

Oh, man!

That is wrong.

- Don't freak out.
- You can't be doing that to people.

Trust me. You enjoyed it.

That wasn't me!

But you were so up for it.

You kept telling me how much
you wanted to be with me.

When I want to tell you something,

I'll tell you myself.
You don't know what I'm feeling.

Yeah, well, I see how you look at me.

Yeah? I won't be looking at you
any more.

Yes, you will.

You think cos you're beautiful,

- you can treat people any way you want?
- Yeah, that's pretty much how it works.

Haven't you figured that out yet?

You're so messed up.

And you don't even know it.

- Are you all right?
- Fine.

If you need someone to talk to,

I'm a really good listener.

NATHAN: Hurray! It's the
starlet of justice!

I was only saying that the lad that
she used to go out with was a dick.

I was only being nice.

Oh, yeah, you were being lovely.

Right up until
you threw the chair at her.

Don't be doing that shit around me!

You been in all day?

Yeah.

KELLY: What happened?

Nothing.

No-one came in.

That's an anti-climax!

# My heart

# It melts like plastic... #

Right. Well, I didn't see
this coming.

It's just, er...

I don't usually do
this kind of thing.

I mean, I'm not saying you do.

It's just...

I don't remember us having sex.

We had sex, right?

Can you just go?

Yeah.

What the fuck?

Mum! MUM!

Excuse me...

- Hey...
- Don't talk to me.

- Hi!
- Hi.

Nice shirt.
That colour really suits you.

Blue.

Are you OK?

(GRUNTS)

We've got a problem.

Will you shut up?!
I nearly had it.

What's he doing?

Trying to smash the bottle
with his mind.

(GRUNTS FORCEFULLY)

I think he's gonna shit himself.

Oh, bullshit!

- We've got a problem.
- I've got a power, I know it.

I can feel it in my balls.

- Listen to me!
- It's like a soft vibrating.

- You get that, yeah?
- No.

They're gonna dig up the bodies!

They're building an environmental
monitoring station under the flyover.

They're building a what?
That sounds made up.

Are we supposed to know what that is?

It's to measure the carbon monoxide
from the flyover.

When they dig the foundations,
they'll find the bodies.

We need to move 'em.

A couple of questions. "How?"
"Where?" "Are you out of your mind?!"

If we leave them, they'll find them.

Digging them up and wandering around
with them is a low-risk strategy(!)

- You got a better idea?
- Yeah, I do have a better idea.

Why don't you... (WHISTLES)

...and stop us killing
the probation worker in the first place?

You show me how it works,
and I'll do it.

- We need a car.
- Have you got a car?

- No.
- Great.

We should call a cab.
Better make it a seven-seater.

- Where've you been?
- I had to go doctor's.

While you were getting
your smear test, big shock!

We found out the bodies
are about to be dug up.

They're building an environmental
monitoring station under the flyover.

- Sounds like bullshit.
- Can you steal a car?

- Can you get a car?
- Will you all fuck off?!

All right, touchy. Look,
we're a bunch of young offenders

and not one of us knows how
to steal a car? That is pathetic.

Look, I'll borrow my dad's car.

You're banned from driving
so that makes sense!

You're a whiny little bitch!

Guys, we need to work together.

Think of it as a team-building
exercise, huh? I'm feeling this.

Are we feeling this?

Prick.

So what do we do with them
when we dig them up?

We weigh them down
and toss them in the lake.

Then you know what
happens next week?

The council are like, "Let's drag
the lake!" So predictable.

Yeah, so we bury them
somewhere else.

Enough with the digging
and the burying already.

You come up with something then.

We boil them in a bath of
sulfuric acid, serial-killer style.

Store them at the Community Centre
till we decide what to do with them.

Oh, great, the Community Centre!

Cos they have a special room
for storing rotting corpses.

There's a disused storeroom upstairs.
I've got a key.

KELLY: Why have you got a key?

I nicked them because I'm living
in the Community Centre, OK?

Happy?

Big secret revealed. Yeah.

This is a sweet ride.

Oh, man!

It stinks!

We must be getting close.

(RETCHES)

I'm fine.

(SQUELCHING)

I've got something.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

OopS!

Oh, man!

You all right?

What?

You're usually a whole lot
gobbier than this.

No, I'm not.

Come on, you haven't punched me
in a few hours. I'm worried about you.

I'm fine.

How comes you're living in
the Community Centre, anyway?

Do we have to be that intimate
with each other's lives?

No, I don't think so.

Not so big on the sharing.

NATHAN: I'm not getting a shag
now I'm a homeless.

Those Big Issue guys
aren't getting any.

Oh, shit! She can hear that!

When are you gonna learn?!

We're set.

Let's go.

Uh, hello? Don't you think
you're forgetting something?

- (SQUELCH)
- Argh!

Jesus!

Sorry.

Fuck's sake!

Fuck's sake!

I like your cap.

" No!
" Oh!

Wham?

Did you know she was bald?

Course not! Twat.

Jesus!

She looked like an alien.

Don't be mean.

(LAUGHS) She did, didn't she?
A bald alien.

Ssh!

I should probably try and find her.

You know...

Can't you see we're trying to have
an awkward conversation?

Move!

Go!

The sex wasn't that bad, was it?

You don't get it, do you?

There's nothing wrong with me!

You're the one with the problem!

Kelly?

(CANS RATTLING)

Kelly?

Oh, sorry, mate.

Kelly?

Go away!

Are you all right?

No, I'm not all right, you prick.
I'm bald!

I've got your cap...and your wig.

I don't want you to see me like this.

All right, listen, I'll close my eyes.
I'm gonna throw them down, OK?

Keep them shut. Don't look!

So, I thought that whole
moving-the-bodies thing went pretty well,

you know, considering.

If you laugh at me,
I will kick the shit out of ya.

I'm not gonna laugh. Who's laughing?

Well, don't.

So...what's with the baldness?

This morning, I was in the shower,
and me hair started falling out.

What did the doctor say?

They don't know. They're gonna
have to send me for some tests.

So what are we talking about here?
Are we talking about upstairs and down?

- What?!
- You know?

Do you have a bald fanny?

- Oh! For fuck's sake!
- Ow! Ow!

Shit, I'm sorry! I'm serious.

Sorry.

Do you want me to walk you home?

All right.

Jodi! Jodi!

(BANGING)

Open the door, you bitch!
I know you did it to me!

Open the door!

(SHOUTS) Jodi!

It was her ex-boyfriend,
and he's bald! It's Jodi!

She's got this power, or something.
Oh!

That bitch did this to me!

She has the power
to turn people bald?

That is rubbish. Bald, bald, bald.

When I catch her, I'm going to batter her.
I'm gonna rip her tits off.

We should bury the bodies
under the foundations

of the environmental monitoring station
before they pour in the concrete.

So your plan is, we dig up the bodies
and then we re-bury them

in exactly the same place?
You're a genius(!)

- That works.
- Yeah, that's dead smart.

It's OK.

OK, guys, if you want to grab a box
and follow me.

Guys, do you...do you wanna grab a box?

Anyone? Everybody, quick as you can.

Cheers. Thank you. OK, this way!

Can you get your dad's car again?

So you're talking to me now,
you want something?

Let's just get this done, all right?

Ask me nicely
and I'll think about it.

- I ain't begging you.
- You're not all that, you know.

You're not even famous any more.
You should be grateful.

- Grateful? I didn't want you near me.
- Yeah?

What are you up to now?

Er, I was just going home.

Do you want to go out to the park?

Er...yeah.

Yeah, sure.

- Where's she going?
- Urgh! Is she hooking up with him?

Oh, that is definitely on.

How do we move the bodies
without her dad's car?

You need to get
that tart on the phone,

and tell her we need her dad's car
to shift the stiffs.

Where you going?
We need to move the bodies.

You deal with it!

We could take Sally's car.

Who's Sally?

(PHONE RINGS)

Pete?

What is it? What's happened?

No, just tell me now.

OK. Give me half an hour, OK? Bye.

I'm sorry you're bald.

Thanks.

KELLY: Do you want to give us a hand?

I'm the designated driver.

Help us, you prick!

(SIGHS)

(STRAINING) Which one's this?

The probation worker.

He's a fat bastard.

Oh, shit!

- Oh, sh...
- Get down, keep down.

You're the one with all the big ideas.
What do we do?

KELLY: Where's the keys?

(ENGINE STARTS)

Shit!

Doh...

# We are going out tonight

# We ain't gonna tell nobody where... #

This all right for you?

It's my last day
at the Community Centre tomorrow.

We ship all the clothes out to Africa.

I was there last year.

You should see the conditions
these people live in.

No clean water, barely any food.

Makes you think, doesn't it?

What?

Well... makes you realise
how lucky you are.

- Oh, shut up.
- Where are you going?

(HE GASPS)

I want to shag you!

- No. No, please! No, please!
- You're so beautiful and slutty.

No, please!

- Leave her alone!
- Stop, please!

Get off her!
Ohh! I want to have sex with you.

- Don't!
- Yeah, me, too.

- Me first!
- Wait, let me get some...

- Get off me! Get off!
- Come on...

Argh!

Ohm

- Alisha!
- (GROANING)

Alisha!

No, wai... Argh!

Someone left the keys in the ignition,

but there's no point naming names
at this stage, it's done now.

So the probation worker is driving around
with the stiffs in the boot of her car.

Just thought you'd want to know.

Anyway, call me.

I left a message.

(SIGHING) Well, I guess that's it.

We're going to prison.

My career teacher
said that's where I'd end up.

She'll be giving it all this.

You'll do all right in prison.

You've got the whole bald thing.
You're well butch.

- Ohh!
- Ow! Ow! You know, you hit me a lot.

Yeah, cos you're a dick.

Maybe Sally won't look in the boot.

Fingers crossed, eh(?)

Alisha! Wait! Wait!

(ALISHA SOBBING)

Stop!

Don't touch me!

All right.

Look, whatever I said, or did...

that wasn't me.

I know.

It's me.

I'm gonna stay over 'ere...

all right?

It used to be a good thing,
you know...

people wanting to have sex with you.
It was nice.

Now it's shit.

I don't know if someone
actually wants to sleep with me,

or if it's just this bullshit.

Guys still want to have sex with you.

You didn't.

I did.

Just not like that.

You don't need
to use your power on me.

I'm already there.

I don't know how to be like this.

We'll work something out.

It's gonna be all right.

(PHONE RINGS)

It's Nathan.

They were moving the bodies.

I gotta take it.

What's going on?

What?!

So what's happening?

We think Tony's alive.

He used his credit card
to book a flight.

No. It's not him. It can't be.

It was booked in his name.

- It's one way, to Spain.
- You're telling me he got on the plane?

The flight's not
for another couple of weeks.

Someone must be using his credit card.
It's them!

They were the last people to see him.
They know something.

I know this is hard.

Maybe he left you. I don't know.

Maybe there's someone else.

He'd never do that to me.

He wouldn't.

(KNOCKING)

- Did any of you get any sleep last night?
- No.

We would have been arrested by now
if she'd found the bodies.

Maybe they're waiting
until we're all together.

Why would you say
something like that?

What time does she usually get 'ere?

About eight o'clock.

She didn't look in the boot.

We're gonna be OK.
We're not going to prison!

(SNIFFS)

That's it. That's it.

Yeah, go on, have a nice cup of tea.

I'll shit my pants...

- Don't, don't...
- Ohhh!

(KELLY GASPS)

- (SCREAMS)
- No, no, no...

She didn't look in the boot.

We're gonna be OK.
We're not going to prison!

She's going to get out the car,
walk to the boot and find the bodies.

How do you know?

- It's already happened once.
- So now you rewind time?

Get the bodies!

What the hell are you doing?!

It's just pure, mindless vandalism.

What is the matter with you?
Are you mentally deficient?

If I was mentally deficient,
I would have missed.

Check that out. Bull's-eye.

My office, now!

(YELLS) Now!

What did you do to me,
you fucking bitch?!

What happened to your hair?

I've got alopecia.

It happened when my dad walked out.

I was well stressed.

Oh, this thing itches
like a bastard.

You're telling me!

Are you allowed to smoke?

It's not cancer.

Darren broke up with me
when my hair started falling out.

He made me feel like
no-one would want to be with me.

He's such a wanker.

Sometimes I just want people
to know how it feels

when you feel shit about yourself.

When I feel like that,
people go bald.

Please don't tell me
this lasts for ever.

It only lasts a couple of days.
Your hair just comes back.

What about yours?

Man, I hope so.

I'm sorry I hit you...
you know, the first time.

Yeah, I'm sorry I called you a slag.

I saw Darren.

Every time I see him,
he keeps going bald.

- I try and stay away from him.
- No way! Just bald him up.

(THEY LAUGH)

Oh, mate, that fucking storm!

Yesterday, in the car,
I don't even know what happened.

Forget it.

What's up with her, anyway?
One minute we're...

(WHISPERS)... having sex...

(NORMAL VOICE)...the next,
she won't even talk to me.

She's nuts.
Anyway, see you around.

You're a mess.

Yeah... I know.

I wanna be with you.

I wanna be with you.

If we're gonna be together,

there's no-one else, yeah?

This is it.

I don't know how to do this.
You can't touch me.

I don't want to.

Mo...

I really do.

I really want you to.

But you can't.

I know.

So how do we...

...you know?

Cos we need to work something out.

We could try phone sex...
without the phone.

How's that work?

You know.

We stare at each other
and wank ourselves off.

Works for me.

It doesn't matter who's after us now.

They'll never find the bodies.

See ya.

They're gonna think
the probation worker's still alive.

I stole his credit card.

I used it to book a flight.

That is smart!

You're dead good at stuff like that.

Yeah! Nice one, weird kid.

I cannot believe
we got away with this shit.

We should all go out for a drink-
you know, to celebrate.

It's like an ironic "fuck you"
to the probation worker.

We're all out having a good time -
you're buried under the foundations

of an environmental
monitoring station.

See you all tomorrow, yeah?

Later.

Yeah...

Do you want to come for a drink?

Are you asking me out on a date?

No. I meant all of us.

Did you?

I am not your whore.

There is no way I'm going out
until my hair grows back.

Sorry.

# I'm naked

# I'm numb, I'm stupid

# I'm staying... #

(GROANING)

#...And if Cupid's got a gun

# Then he's shootin'

# Light's black

# Heads bang

# You're my drug, we live it... #

(BREATHES HEAVILY)

# You're drunk, you need it

# Real love, I'll give it

# So we're bound to...

# Linger on

# We drink the fatal drop

# Then love until we bleed... #

(BEEPING)

My life is fucked,
and that's on you!

I asked you to buy the gear.
It should've me that went to prison.

Hey! Hey, police, hey!

- (TYRES SQUEAL)
- Oi!

If you're not gonna do anything,
then I will.

It's you.

Do I know you?

- Agh!
- Help me!

Come on, you wankers! Let's have it!

You want me to come with ya?

Give me the fucking money!

OK!

What are you smiling about?

I changed the future.

- (GASPS)
- (BEEPING)