Misfits (2009–2013): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript

Nathan discovers that other people were affected by the storm and fears for his mother. Someone appears to know about the gang's secret agenda.

This is your chance to do
something positive.

That's what community service
is all about.

What is going on with this weather?

- What is that?
- (SCREAMING)

We should be dead.

- Something really weird is happening.
- Have you been sniffing glue?

The storm, that lightning - I dunno,
it's done something to us.

(SCREAMS)

He's going to kill us.

All this. It's already happened once.
Time went backwards.

What - you turned back time?



I want to rip your clothes off
and piss on your tits.

Oh, what is happening to me?

You killed our probation worker.

If there's no body...
there's no crime.

I'm pretty sure this breaches
the terms of my ASBO.

What if we're meant to be like
superheroes?

In what kind of fucked-up world
would that be allowed to happen?

And what? Cos you're all special,
and I'm not?

Yeah, well, I doubt it.
You can think what you like

but I have a super power and I
just need to find out what it is.

Maybe you're just super-retarded.

Maybe I've got a whole
Spider-Man vibe going on.

You know, maybe I can climb stuff
and do spider shit.

Yeah, cos that makes perfect sense.
Why would you be able to climb stuff?



I don't know. How is it that you
can turn back time, apparently?

And weird kid can turn invisible?

It's not like this whole situation
is backed up by a wank-load of logic.

What is that?

Is he breathing?

Hey, nude guy!

You're naked!

ALL: OH!

(GROANING)

Oh, my God!

You?!

Hey!

(DERISIVE LAUGHTER)

Do you want to tell us who that was?

He's my mum's...
He lives with my mum.

Your step dad has got
a massive cock.

(LAUGHTER)

Jesus!
And he's not my step dad, all right?

Did you see that thing? That was
monster big. Your mum will hurt.

La, la, la, la - shut up!

Why's he naked?

Well, he's obviously
some kind of pervert or he's gay.

That follows.

Well, he was cruising for rough trade.
They love that shit.

Oh, a little light homophobia.
Go for it.

Or he could be a rapist.
There's loads of them round here.

Maybe he's a werewolf.

Twat.

It's what happens in films.

You turn into a werewolf,
you kill someone,

then you wake up somewhere, naked...

Like a zoo.

He's not a werewolf, all right?

This guy is such a pussy,
he needs my mum to open jars for him.

If was a werewolf, he'd be able to open
a jar of peanut butter for himself.

What happens if the storm
messed him up?

That's bollocks.
What are the chances?

Help out. Talk to them. Make sure
everyone's having a good time.

Move!

(# GENE PITNEY: 24 Hours From Tulsa)

Is he dead?

I think he's dead.

She's stealing your pension!

No, he's fine.

MAN THINKING: My mouth's as dry
as a badger's chuff.

D'you want a cup of tea?

MAN THINKING: Bugger me.

Perhaps you'd like
to dance with someone?

You've got to be shitting me?

No, Alisha. I am not "shitting you".

Come on...

Harry“! -

Alisha was wondering if
you'd like to dance with her?

It would be an honor.

(GASPS AND GROANS)

Let me taste your sweet cherry lips.

I'd give my life to spend a night
between your dusky thighs.

OK! Let's find you a chair.

You go and help make tea.
Just keep out the way.

OK, Joan.
Let's pick up some speed,

let's get that wind
flowing through your hair.

Let's get that wind flowing
through your scalp, come on.

Hi.

Hi.

Thanks.

So are you like a member
of staff or something?

I'm a volunteer.

Volunteer?! I love to volunteer.

Is that why they gave you
community service?

Could be, could be. I'd probably just
be here anyway, you know, helping out.

Old people.

They're so...
they're so...

They're old, you know.

So what did you do?

I sexually assaulted
a 90-year-old woman.

That's funny.

She didn't seem to think so
at the time.

God rest her soul.

Jesus“.

No, no, the truth is - I was just
done for eating some pick 'n' mix.

Right.

Of course you were.

Such a liar, pass me
those sausage rolls.

Yaah!

I think she wants to dance with you.

Oh, that's nice.

(MOUTHING) Fuck Off.

Someone knows.

They know we killed
our probation worker.

Is this a wind-up? Is this you?

If I was trying to wind you up,
I think I'd be a little more creative.

"I know what film
you saw last summer."

This isn't funny!

If I wanted to freak you out,
I would've dug up the body

and stuck that in your locker.

If it wasn't him, who was it?

Well, we've all done stuff.

They could be talking about anything.

It was in your locker.

This was meant for all of us. They're
talking about the probation worker.

OK. Let's say you're right.

If they actually knew anything,
they wouldn't be clicking around

sticking notes on lockers.
They would've gone to the police

and we'd all be banged up in prison,
getting gang-raped in the showers.

But this, this means that they
have no evidence. No proof. Nothing.

And anyway, I'm guessing it's about
some other totally unrelated shit

that you've done.

So, if we're all done freaking out here,
over nothing,

there's somewhere I need to be.

Please tell me you don't
actually believe that prick?

Well, whoever did it is just trying to
freak us out, right? We just act normal.

(TOOTING)

Didn't you get my messages?
I need to talk to you.

You're not moving back in.

It's not about that.
It's about Jeremy. No. Just listen.

This morning,
I was doing my community service.

We found Jeremy in the car park.
He was bollock naked.

Nathan!

I swear on my mother's life.

On my life.

You're doing it again. You're lying.

Right. How come I know
he's got a massive cock?

How would I know that if
I hadn't seen him naked?

I don't know! Maybe you
watched him taking a shower?

Oh! Cos that sounds like
the sort of thing I'm doing now -

watching men showering?

Mum, he was out there,
running around, naked, like a wolf boy.

What's a wolf boy?

It's a boy, raised by wolves.

You know,
the little hairy kid in Siberia.

We watched it on Discovery.

Why can't you just be happy for me?

Because your boyfriend
is some kind of psycho,

rough trade, gay, rapist werewolf!

Every man I meet,

there's always a reason
you take against them.

It's like when you said
Richard was sexually abusing you.

- It's nothing like that. This is true.
- Ohh.

There is something weird
going on with Jeremy.

Nathan! This conversation is over!

(WHISPERING) Hello?

Argh! What're you doing here?

I left my bag.

Oh, left your bag, did you?

Of course you did. You sure
you didn't come back to see me?

I didn't know you'd be here.

Why are you here?

I'm volunteering. I'm just giving
and giving and then I give some more.

Is this a burglary?

No. I could say the same to you.

Except I've got keys to the building
and permission to be here.

D'you want a drink?

OK. So now it's a burglary.

Whoa!

You all right?

I want to get a photo.

(LAUGHS)

A naked man with
a huge cock just ran past.

It's him!

Who?

It's my mum's...

It's the guy who lives with my mum.

Quick, give me your phone.

Give me your phone.

(SNUFFLING)

Did you really think I was going
to let you get away with this?

That's my mum, you sick bastard!

We can do this,
the hard way or the...

there is no easy way.

Game over.

You're screwed.

(SNUFFLING)

Jezza?

Maybe we should talk about this?
Over a coffee?

Argh! Argh! Argh!

Argh! Argh! Argh...

All right!

(DOG BARKS)

You look like you had a good night.

It was all right.

Don't that tag
mean you've got a curfew?

I'm not going to let a thing like that
stop me from enjoying myself.

You should come out
with us sometime.

I would you know,

but... my mum told me to stay
away from girls like you.

Your mum has never
met a girl like me.

It's him.

It's the guy who lives with my mum.

This is evidence.

What am I looking at?

Cock, anus, bit of ball-sack.

Ooh, what's that?

That's ball-sack.
It's from a low angle. Jesus!

Why, where were you last night?

Oh, shit. She knows I'm a homeless.

Here, look.

Cock, anus, ball-sack...yeah?

What's that?

That's cock.

Look, this guy is living with my mum.
We've got to do something.

Like what?

Can you get me a gun?

I ain't getting you a gun.

C'mon. Just a little one.
Nothing too lairy.

There's no way I'm getting
a dickhead like you a gun.

You can get a gun off the internet.

What if we go round there tonight-
talk to him?

We'll be mature and polite, yeah?
And then we'll just tell him to fuck off.

What if he says no?

I don't know. We'll improvise.
So, who's with me?

It's like that, is it?

So much for being united
by a horrific, life-changing,

shared experience.

Hmm? Last week?

You know? The situation...

We killed our probation worker!

Ssshh!

God, you're such a dickhead.

That counts for nothing?

Fucking prick.

I'll come with you.

You know, if you want someone
to go with you. I'll come.

I'm not being funny but,
me and you, buddying up...

kicking ass!

I'm just not feeling it, but, hey,

lovely thought. Cheers.

(THEY CHAT)

Did that hurt when you got it done?

Yeah, hurt like a bastard.

I only got it done
cos my fiancé wanted it.

Are you engaged?

I was. I'm not any more.

Why, what happened?

I could hear what
he was thinking, yeah?

And he wasn't exactly
being romantic.

Have you been with anyone
since you could do your thing?

No, not full on.

I tried it out with a couple of guys,
just for a second.

They were proper horny.

One was quite fit, actually.

Have you shagged anyone?

What d'you think?

(CROCKERY SMASHES)

Nathan?

That's right. Your number's up,
you psycho nudist freak.

Oh, I got you now, baby.
See anything you recognise?

What am I looking at?

Cock, anus, ball-sack.

Is it?

It's from a low angle.
It's you - last night.

George Michael gets away with this,
but he was in Wham! Who are you?

I don't remember what happened.

Oh, how very convenient.

This happened. I show this
to my mum, you're history.

So just...take your crappy shit...

...and go.

That's your mum's.

Well, I'll buy her a new one,

because that's what sons do for mums.

Look, don't make this
any harder on her. Just go!

No, you go. Your mum
doesn't even want you here.

You prick!

Nathan!

What are you doing?!

You made me do this!

You wouldn't listen!
That psycho was out last night.

Tell her, you sick bastard. Tell her!

He already told me.

He told you?

So, what the fuck?

It started after that storm.

It did something to me.

Sometimes it's like I'm a dog.

When I was a kid,

we had this Jack Russell, Billy.
We did everything together.

That's weird.

He was my best friend.

That's really weird.

Whenever I see a Jack Russell, it...

it brings back all these feelings.

And next thing I know,
I'm waking up, naked.

It's true.

I didn't believe it at first.

But I've seen what he's like
when he changes.

Just...are you honestly telling me,

that you're OK with this?

If that's who he is.

I've got to accept it.

Some men dress up
in women's clothing...

Yeah! They're just sick perverts.
He's dangerous.

I would never hurt your mum.

I love her.

You've broken his nose!

Oh... It's not like you can
enter him in Crufts.

I got your address from
the community centre.

I just thought you might
want your phone back.

Oh, there's probably a photo
on there you want to delete.

It's just a...

It's a shot of some ball-sack.

Anyway. just...

I'll see you around.

Are you OK?

She's never hit me before...

not even a smack when I was a kid.

What d'you want from her?

Would you be happier
if she was on her own?

Yeah.

But it's horrible being on your own.

You want her to be miserable?

You don't want your mum
to have anyone in her life,

because that means
she's not there for you.

Don't try that reverse psychology
A-level bullshit on me. I'm fine.

Oh, yeah.

You're living in a community centre.
You're doing great.

The only thing worse
than being lonely...

is other people
knowing you're lonely.

No-one wants to look like a cunt.

You can't give your mum
everything she needs.

Don't be so selfish.

Grow up.

What's that supposed to mean?

D'you want a drink?

Yeah.

Whose house is this?

It's my gran's.

I'm staying with her.

Is sherry OK?

So what happened to you?

I came back last night
and you were gone.

You seemed more interested
in chasing a naked man

around the car park.

So...what would've happened
if I hadn't gone

chasing a naked man
around the car park?

I'm guessing...

...you would have had
some pretty amazing sex.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

# Girl

# You'll be a woman soon

# I love you so much
Can't count all the ways

# I'd die for you, girl
And all they can say

# He's not your kind... #

Your gran's not here, is she?

No.

# They never get tired
of putting me down

# And I never know
when I come around

# What I'm gonna find

# Don't let them make up your mind

# Don't you know, girl

# You'll be a woman soon

# Please

# Come take my hand

# Girl

# You'll be a woman soon

# Soon

# You'll need a man

# I've been misunderstood
for all of my life

# But what they're saying, girl
It cuts like a knife

# The boy's no good

# Well, I've finally found
what I've been looking for

# But if they get their chance
they'll end it for sure

# Surely would

# Baby, I've done all I could

# Now it's up to you, girl

# You'll be a woman soon

# Please

# Come take my hand

# Girl

# You'll be a woman soon... #

Well, that's embarrassing.

Oh, come on! It's been a while, OK?

How about a little sensitivity?

It's not that.

Do you always pull that face
when you have an orgasm?

What is wrong with my come face?

It's really bad.

Well, I'll work on it.

D'you want to try again?

I'm here.

You're here.

We're both naked,
consenting adults...

(ALARM RINGS)

MAN ON INTERCOM:
Hello? Hello, can I help?

Is everything OK?
Do you need any help?

I'm coming!

(BOTH SCREAM)

Oh, fuck!

(BOTH SCREAM)

(HE SCREAMS)

Are you OK?

Well, you were...
What the fuck...

What was that thing?

It was the storm.

I just wanted to be young again.

You complain about my come face.

You should see yours, love.
Trust me. It's a shocker.

Do we have to talk about this
through the door?

OK.

I'm coming out.
Move away from the door.

Back off. Back off!

Exactly how old are you?

82.

83 next month.

I didn't mean for this to happen.

It felt so good to be young again
and I liked you.

I shagged someone's gran.

I haven't got any grandchildren.

Oh, that's OK, then, cos that
could have been really awkward.

I'm sorry.

You're sorry?
I'm gonna need counseling now.

I'm damaged goods.

Where are my boxer shorts?

Oh, c'mon. Don't go.

I'm not waiting around for Granny
Fuck Me to make another appearance.

Something's wrong.
I'm changing back.

I think I'm growing old again.

I'm scared.

This is the fifth time
you've broken your curfew.

What's the problem?
You can't go out any time you want.

It was my friend's birthday.
What was I supposed to do?

Is that a joke?

D'you see me laughing?

I'm arresting you for
breaching the terms of your ASBO.

Oh, you're not serious?

Oh, I want you so bad, I need
your lovin', you sexy little minx.

Shit! Let go of me!

Let's do it on the desk.

Get off me!

I'm so hard for you. That's
five-and-a-half inches of pure pleasure.

Oh, yeah...

Fuck off! Get off me, you pervert!

I have no idea why that's out.

Are you OK?

I'll sort all this out for you.
If you want to make a complaint,

I'll back you up.

I just want to forget it.

You seem to have
quite an effect on men.

You're a very beautiful girl.

It's not my fault if they can't
keep their dicks in their trousers.

I am here.

You know,
if anything like that happens,

or if you're worried about anything,

you can talk to me.
I'll give you my mobile number.

No, you're all right.

# You're beautiful

# You're beautiful, it's true

# I saw your face

# In a crowded place

# And I don't know what to do

# Cos I'll never be with you

# Yes, you caught my heart

# As we walked on by

# She could see from my face
That I was fucking high

# And I don't think that
I'll see her again

# But we shared a moment that will
last to the end

# You're beautiful

# You're beautiful, it's true

# I saw your face

# In a crowded place

# And I don't know what to do

# Cos I'll never be with you... #

Hey, what happened to you?

I will not be in a room
where that song is playing.

Line in the sand, my friend.

Some old woman was looking for you.

What if Ruth's told someone
I had sex with her?

Oh, shit. No, no, no, no, no...

You shagged her!

Yeah. Yeah, nice one.
I gave her a right good seeing to.

Ohhh...

You totally screwed her.

- No.
- (LAUGHING)

No!

- You nailed that old woman?
- Oh, my God!

Nah, that is wrong.

Did you enjoy it?

- Shut up, you little freak.
- I think he enjoyed it.

- Are you into that?
- No!

She didn't look like that
when we started, OK?

You remember that bird Ruth,
from Tuesday? Beautiful, yeah?

That wrinkly old bint...that's her!

It was the storm.
It made her young again.

Please, please tell me you didn't...

He did!

He did! God's sake!

Ohh...

Nathan, Nathan wait, look I didn't
mean to tell them. It just came out.

Oh, well, great job. Nice one.

Well done.

And stay out of my head, OK?

Granny fucker!

(# JOY DIVISION: Atmosphere)

# Walk

# In silence

# Don't walk away

# In silence

# See the danger

# Always danger

# Endless talking

# Life rebuilding

# Don't walk away

# Walk

# In silence

# Don't turn away... #

Hello?

Ruth?

Ruth.

Oh, Jesus, no.

# Love you so much
can't count all the ways

# I'd die for you, girl
And all they can say is

# He's not your kind

# They never get tired
of putting me down

# And I never know when I come around

# What I'm gonna find

# Don't let 'em make up your mind

# Don't you know, girl

# You'll be a woman soon

# Please

# Come take my hand... #

You little tart.

#... Girl

# You'll be a woman soon

# Soon

# You'll need a man

# I've been misunderstood
for all of my life

# But what they're saying, child
cuts like a knife

# The boy's no good

# When I finally found
what I been looking for

# But if they get the chance
they'll end it for sure... #

I'm sorry.

#... Baby, I've done all I could

# It's up to you, girl

# You'll be a woman soon

# Please

# Come take my hand

# Girl

# You'll be a woman soon

# Soon, you'll need a man... #

So... I suppose you're going to
tell me you love him?

But it doesn't
change how I feel about you.

I'm... I'm so sorry I hit you.

I... I punched the guy you live with.

Your...you...
I can't call him your "boyfriend",

or your "partner", it's too pathetic.

You can call him Dad, if you like.

Oh, that's funny.

I've been worried about you.

Where are you living?

I've got a flat...

with some friends...

flatmates.

If you try to get on with Jeremy,

I mean, really try,
well, maybe you could move back in.

I'm not being funny,
a woman your age...

If you don't settle down before
your looks go, you've got no chance.

Oh, thank you.

I can't be looking after you
when you're 80.

You'll be phoning me every time
you want to change the TV channel.

No, too painful.

I've got my flat.
It's better for all of us.

Come round for your tea sometimes?

Yeah.

See you, then.

If you ever hurt her, I'll take you
up the vet's and have you put down.

I told you there'd be other people

who got messed up by the storm.
And you didn't believe me.

Yeah, well, I was wrong, wasn't I?

There's a hurricane
of weird shit out there.

Oh, another oral sex gag. Brilliant.

We need to be ready
for when they come after us.

What are you talking about?

The other people who got
caught up in the storm.

Why would they come after us?

Because that's what people do.

Yeah, well, if they do, we'll
just tell them it was all your fault.

You know that note
you found in your locker?

I think it was talking
about the probation worker.

Holy shit.

I've got a power. I know it.
I can feel it in my balls.

I know you want to.

Don't.

- You can't be doing that to people.
- Trust me, you enjoyed it.

Tony's alive. He used
his credit card to book a flight.

No, it's not him. It can't be.

We're a bunch of young offenders.

Not one of us knows
how to steal a car?

No, no, no...

They're going to dig up the bodies!
We need to move them.