Miranda (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 5 - Three Little Words - full transcript

♪ Good morning, good morning!

♪ Sunbeams will soon smile through,

♪ Good morning, good morning,

♪ To you and you and you and you ♪

Oh! Look, toast spoons!

Oh, I'm feeling good about today.
It's got a sort of frisson about it.

So, news.

Mike and I are still together,
all good,

but when he tells me he loves me,
I freak out, can't say it back.

I love you.

Oh, well, well done
and you're welcome and what a boost!



It's a fan hand forsooth, sir!

I need to workshop the issue with
Stevie but we've fallen out.

Apparently I've ignored her
since having a boyfriend.

Objection, my lord!

Although at disco karaoke finals...

What else to impart? Mum's having
a tennis club dinner tonight.

She doesn't want me there.
Apparently I let her down last year.

Side bar, m'lord!

Oh, I'll serve drinks.

I don't know who this woman is.

Right!
I declare this cheeky little day

ready and open
for the business we call life!

Gary, look at you
in your own restaurant.

Are you renaming it?



What? "Gary's"?
What's wrong with Gary's?

Well, it's like a greasy spoon.

Yeah, it's like, it's like a chippy,
Gary's, isn't it?

Yeah. No, seriously,
what are you calling it?

That's lovely, no, that's perfect.
It's very you. It's very you.

Manly, yeah.

Manly? Good because now manning up
to put sign up.

Good luck, man who gets nervous
voting for Strictly

and is scared of mice and geese?

It's the hissing. They hiss.

Morning, Stevie, do you want to
join?

Fine on my own.

Struggling to get on the stool,
are we?

Pretending this isn't our second
breakfast, are we? I won!

Guys, I don't need this today!

Our family dog, my dog, Daisy,
might have to be put down.

But more importantly, hello,
restaurant opening tonight?

More importantly?

OK, can we all just calm it, please?
Everyone seems at odds. Just calm.

Do you know what my favourite
three little words are?

All day breakfast.

I'm going to start doing it.

It's the best thing since sliced
bread. It IS sliced bread.

Then it's toasted
and an egg's popped on.

Mike, please ask your girlfriend,
who loves you so much she... Well.

Ignores best friends, if she would
for once share her pancakes?

Oh, sorry about this!
Oh, no, I really am sorry.

I mean, if I could stop, I would.

Well, that is it.

I will show you how angry I am
by my exit march.

See my physical anger!

Strutting like an ageing majorette,
are we?

I'm going to have to dash.
I will see you later. OK.

Mwah. I love you.

Oh! Well, um...

Hello?

Thank you, Mike. I don't need a man
who cries about a dog to show me...

Actually Daisy's been with us
for 15 years.

How do you turn this turn on?

It's not just me
that's finding this erotic, is it?

Keep wielding, men!

Stevie, Stevie, Stevie,
Stevie, Stevie...

Mike just told me he loved me again
and I couldn't reply.

Talk to the face cos the hand
ain't listening!

It's the wrong way round. Yeah.

Oh, come on, Stevie. I need you.

We're like a sofa
and a little pouffe.

It's clean sheet night tonight.

Who am I going to
change my duvet with?

We could play Sheet Over Head Guess
What Fruit's Being Thrown At You?

You love that!

Delicious to talk to you, darling.
Lots of love, bye! Ghastly woman.

Who is?

You're still on speaker. She's
still there, she's still there.

Ghastly woman I see before me...

Er, y-yes, Miranda! Ha-ha-ha!
Bye, Belinda.

She's convinced that my tennis
dinner

won't be nearly as good as hers
last year.

Over my yoga-plated, flab-free,
super firm, what-I-call buttocks.

Now, do you think that Mike would...

What's happening?

Oh, Raymond Blanc! You look like
you're doing Riverdance.

You'd be the same
if your pin-up suddenly walked in.

Is Gary Barlow here?
Is Theo Paphitis here?

Theo Paphitis?!

I could ask Raymond to the dinner.

If I got a celeb to the do,
in your face, Belinda!

Bonjour, Monsieur Blanc.

Bonjour, mademoiselle.

Erm, je suis avoir un soiree.

Je voudrais vous... tu?

Sorry. Spat!

Pour le mingling.

And I can give you a good function.

No, no, no, I don't mean...
Unless...

Haw-hee-haw!

Pardon!

He's going.

Don't start stalking again!

I'll observe with binoculars
at the minimum distance

as laid down
by Barry Manilow's lawyers.

I presume you're still not
speaking to me.

So, as your superior,

I would like you to send off
this letter to British Gas.

Thanking you.

Tripped. I meant to. I meant to
go up the stairs like this.

Right! OK, I can change
a duvet cover on my own.

Don't need her help, it's fine.

Stevie!

I can't find the right corners!

Stevie! Be my friend again?

♪ If somebody's pulling a duvet
cover on, she's the one ♪

♪ She's the one-hoh-hon! ♪

Wallet, wallet,
where, where, where, where?

Table, table, table.

Everyone's at odds, odds, odds!

Seriously now, Stevie, what happens
if he says "I love you" again?

OK, this is code red.

Amber alert rising to pink,
dogger moving east, showers later.

That's the shipping forecast!

You! How do I tell someone
I love them?

Oh, um, write it on a muffin
and give it to him.

Well, even if
I knew how to make a muffin,

I wouldn't have time to make
a muffin. He's upstairs!

I didn't know that! Think!

Sorry I shouted. Crazy day.

Um, I... No, I'll tell you later.

I love you. Well, I, erm, I...

I...

♪ Eyes are to see with,
noses are to smell with ♪

That was your fault.

Right, help me workshop
why I can't say I love you.

Stay and hang. No, I really
should be... STAY AND HANG!

Right, well, what springs to mind
when I say, "what do you love?"

Good, liking this. Don't worry,
Stevie, I've got a new friend.

Strutting like a toddler
modelling Baby Gap, are we?

Right. OK, what do you love?

Doughnuts. Again,
what was your first love?

Doughnuts.

More emotional.
What makes your heart skip?

Doughnuts.

I think I know what this means.

You're not in love your boyfriend.
Only fair to split up with him.

What? What?
You can't leave me with that!

Oh, my lovely Mike!
I'm going to beanbag.

Stevie! Stevie!

Miranda?

He said... All right, calm.

Now, step back! I'm Miranda's
number one workshopper.

She's emotionally constipated
and I'm her metaphorical prune.

She's back. Love oo!

Love oo! Love oo!

No!

Now, as this suggests,

Mike is not what makes
your heart skip.

I mean you love him
but you're not in love with him.

That's why you can't say it.
I'm right, aren't I?

Yes.

Oh, my Marple!

Now, we need to work out
how you'll end it.

Can't she just tell him?
Just tell him? This guy!

Miranda can't be direct.
It's a condition.

I call it Pushy Mother-itis
and Acute Englishness-ness-ness.

She had to write a letter
to switch gas suppliers.

Too scared to ring.

They make me feel guilty. I end up
signed to all protection plans

and offering them a place to stay
if they ever visit from Mumbai.

I mean to be fair,
Raj and Miri were very nice.

Oh, they were lovely.

I'm gonna have to write
Mike a letter, it's only way.

It's too mean!
Come on. Think and pace.

No, I really should...
THINK AND PACE!

Well, we've run out of options.

Well, I've written him that letter.
You can't send that.

Why can't you be less mimsy?

What's going on? She can't be direct
because of a pushy mother.

She loves very much!

That's my mother. Oh, heavens above!

We don't know.

I'm not pushy.

Miranda, you are to drop everything
and order Mike to help me tonight.

I can't find Raymond but Mike could
get us news coverage for the dinner.

Isn't that Raymond Blanc?

Where? Where?
Oh, get out of the way!

What's going on? We're workshopping

because she realises
she doesn't love Mike.

Mike Owen! Mike Owen!

Mark Owen. I don't love Mark Owen.

Nor do I. I love Gary Barlow!

That's Mike.
This is a nightmare!

She loves Gary Barlow.
I love Mark Owen.

He loves Mark Owen.
I love Robbie Williams.

We're setting up
a Take That tribute band.

♪ Never forget
where you're coming from

♪ Never pretend
that it's all real. ♪

It's too much.

Right. I forgot I need a tie.
I left one here.

And, er, we need to have
a talk at some point.

Ah, but what does
he need to talk about?

If I'm not mistaken
he's got proposey eyes.

Don't be ridiculous,
she's splitting up with him.

Oh, but I'm still mimsy.

The thought of telling him,
he's so gorgeous.

And the other thing is... well now
it looks like I'm talking to no-one!

Mike, listen,
I need to talk to you actually.

I love being with you but, erm, I
just feel that I need a breather...

Breeder. Breeder. Dog breeder.

Horses. Horse dogs.

I'm going to breed horse dogs.

Yeah. Dogs that you can ride.

Dog dressage. Neigh! Woof!

Sorry, I'm all over the place
like soap in a shower.

Where is it? Where's the soap?
Where has it gone?

Right, OK, hang on,
it says it all there.

OK, well, it's a bold decision
but I understand.

You do? Yeah, if you want to leave
British Gas it's your call.

Wrong letter! Wrong letter!

Wrong letter! Wrong letter!

Follow him! Emergency walk! Go!

Mike. Mike. Hi, listen.

You know you were talking
about working abroad? Mm-hmm?

Well, maybe that's a good idea.
Oh, my.

I'm so sorry.

It's Raymond Blanc.
I'm a massive fan!

My name's Michael Jackford...

Today was meant to be a good day,
it had a frisson about it.

I should go. I don't even know
why I'm still here.

Hi. Oh, are you OK?

Oh, stressed!
Um, cooking, deliveries...

Rose is texting
even though we're not together.

She still wants to come tonight.
Listen I really need your help.

Could you spare
a few hours this afternoon?

Yeah, sure, I'll come over later.
Oh, thank you, thank you!

Oh! And by the way,
man has put up sign.

Don't laugh.

I wouldn't laugh.
It's one of the reasons I love you.

What did you just say?

I just said "I love you"
but I mean, just flippantly.
How I say it to you.

Well, that's where you're
mistaken, my massive friend.

We say it in a silly way.
Look, tell me you love me.

Love oo.

Please say you're finally getting
this. What truly makes your
heart skip?

Gary.

How do you see Mike?

There we go.

How do you see Gary?

Who do you love?

Gary. I'm in love with Gary!

Yes! I've been waiting three years
for this. She said "I love you".

To who?

Gary. I love Gary!
I'm in love with Gary!

Who's Gary?

♪ I'm on the top of the
world looking down on creation...

Who's Gary? ♪ And the only
explanation I can find... ♪

I demand to know who Gary is!

He's an old friend from uni.
She's always loved him.

I want to tell him. Do you think he
feels the same? Of course he does!

The minute Mike told you he loved
you, I clocked Gary's face.

♪ And the love that I've found... ♪

But wait, wait! You have to split up
with Mike before you tell Gary.

Oh, how? Focus. Knock out your
mimsy.

Hope that's not a euphemism!
Concentrate! Love is at stake.

This is serious now!

I am a direct woman.

I am soft, strong and very, very
long... no, that's loo paper!

Hi, I got your text. Great - listen,
I need to speak to you. Um, OK.

Right, here is the thing, Mike.

You are an amazing man
and a wonderful boyfriend,

but I have to end...

Oh! Sorry. Oh, it's Dad.

Oh, no! Daisy's gone. Oh!

Sorry, I know she's only a dog,
but I'm gonna have to go.

Sorry, what were you saying?
Oh, it's not important now.

Something about having to end.

Having to end a contract with BT
and move to a new broadband package.

That's what you wanted to tell me?

It's been very difficult, Mike!

This is getting out of control.
I'm having to act!

Aah, Mike, she's told you.

About moving to a new broadband
package, yes!

Oh, yes, yes, tough times.
Mike's upset because his dog
just died just now.

Oh, that is so annoying! Typical.
Isn't that annoying? Who's this?

We don't know.

I was about to say it. I'm ready to
explode, like an emotional balloon.

Calm, you don't need to tell Gary
now. The only reason to panic was
if Rose was getting her claws in.

She's been texting!
He's not interested, so wait till
Mike feels better!

Who's Rose?

Is everything all right?
She's an emotional balloon
because she's in love with Gary.

Gary Barlow! She loves Gary Barlow.
I love Gary Barlow.

That's Gary! Why does it keep
happening? She loves Robbie
Williams.

I love Mark Owen.
We're a Take That Tribute band.

♪ Relight my fire

♪ Your love is my only desi... ♪

Lovely. Miranda - just a quick one.
Yes, please!

I thought you were coming to help?
You clearly you didn't mean it,
so you know what?

Don't bother, Rose is coming.

I couldn't love him more.
Stupid Rose!

Now, I demand to know who Rose is.

Gary's ex. Keep up!

Well, you have to tell Gary now.
Rose can't get there first.

You can't miss the one thing that
makes you happiest in the world.

If I had a chance with my Gary
I'd have...

♪ One night,
one night in heaven... ♪

Oh, well. You have done yourself
proud with this. I know.

OK, I'm gonna tell him.
Febreze me out.

Oh, we're not open till seven,
sorry.

It's me. Oh, hi.

Hi. Listen, I'm so sorry
I let you down earlier

but by way of an apology
I want to tell you that...

well, Gary, I know I've being seeing
Mike, but I realise now that...

Gary Preston...

Oh, my. Miranda, I don't believe it.

Well, let me say it.

It's Raymond Blanc!

Raymond bloody Blanc!

I'll Michel Roux
the day I ever met you!

Oh! That was quite clever, wasn't
it? You keep messing up my life.

And I am hiding from a
crazy woman.

Mr Blanc, Mr Blanc, hello,
ooh, sorry, a bit starstruck,

it's actually my restaurant opening
tonight, do you think you might be
able to come?

Actually I'm looking for a
restaurant to meet a friend tonight.

Amazing!

Non, non, non!

Raymond!

Come to mon tennis dinner!

I have no idea who this woman is.
Such fun!

Ray ruddy White!

I have to get in there before Rose.

She romances Gary.
She gets him with sweeping gestures.

Think!

Ooh, you've got to out-Rose Rose.

Oh, yes! Romance is my area.

I'm thinking picnic, champers, doves.

Such is my allure,
I naturally woo with every sense.

The smell of my skin,
the touch of my clothes,

the sight of my cleavage.

Excuse me, I am the woo-er here!

Well, I thought you were
desperate for my help, but do go on.

Fine, I will - I can do this,
I can woo with my every sense.

The touch of my clothes,
the, what was it?

The smell of my underwear,
the sound of my cleavage.

OK, that's wrong. You do it!

Meet Gary in the park in two hours.
This is the best day of my life!

Bit weird.

When did it get
so hard to sit on the floor?

Hi!

What's all this?
I thought I was meeting Stevie.

It's a gesture. From me.
Not Stevie.

Well, that's very kind
but I'm really busy.

No, Gary, wait, wait.

Well, I thought you might need
a break and I wanted to say I'm
so sorry about not helping.

OK. All right. Thank you.

Can you hear music?

No. No. No, look, um, look down.

Look at this cream!

What? I don't want to look at...

Really closely, Gary. Oh, sorry.

Thank you.

Sorry. Sorry, cream nose.

Where did the geese come from?!

Ooh, they are scary.

Stevie! I couldn't get doves!

Is this your idea of a joke?

They've gone.

They're back!

Ooh, they are scary!

It's the hissing!

I was trying to tell you something.

Oh, Miranda, only you. Just tell me!

OK. Oh, I can't look at you!

What? Oh,
this is important, isn't it?

Just let me just get this
cream from out of my nose.

Hi. OK, listen. Here's the thing.

And I'm sorry I've been going
about it in such a roundabout way,

particularly as I've never been
so certain of anything in my life.

I am absolutely, ridiculously,

embarrassingly in love with you.

Oh! Mike!

And I was just going to
say guess who?

OK, what is it? Moment's gone!

I've been waiting to hear that.

Well, it was lucky you were here
then. Why were you here then?

Oh, Mike, now, about my dinner.
Oh, mother!

Penny, there's something
I need to ask Miranda's father.

Proposey eyes!

Oh, table! I've just laid that!

He wants to speak to your father.
Oh, darling!

Oh, no! It's Rose.

Do something!

How does that help?

Well, I'm clearly in the way,
I didn't realise you two were...

Yeah. So, you know, bye. Wait, I
don't even know why she kissed me!

Well, it looked pretty passionate
to me, you lingered.

Agreed m'lord, there was lingering.

I thought there was lingering.
Who are you?

I don't know.

You both lingered!

We did not linger!

Rose! Miranda!

Sweeping out.

Oh, ice!

You know when you nearly go,
I nearly went.

Oh, I've gone!

You kissed my Gary.

How would you like it
if I kissed yours?

I'm going to get my own back
and snog Gary Barlow -

OK, that's never going to happen.
I was trying to get rid of her.

Well, you shouldn't have interfered.

Didn't want to but "Stevie, I can't
cope, we're a sofa and a little
pouffe".

Right, you, whatever
your name is,

I bequeath you
the status of my new best friend.

Oh, it's too much!

Change the duvet with me, please.
Oh, now!

Darling, darling. Mike's just
spoken to your father. He's
going to propose.

You will say yes?

No, she can't marry a man
she doesn't really love.

What she needs is someone who
knows her and gets her.

What she needs is someone who doesn't
know her and will only know what he's
getting when it's too late!

Am I here? I think I'm here.

Miranda? >

Hide, hide, hide! Hide.

Hide... Hi-de-hi!

Hi, can we talk?

Yeah sure, um, what would
you like to talk about?

I'm worried about the Greek economy.
Discuss.

What are you doing?

Tying my shoelace.

Phew! Sugar!

What? Few sugars I shall
make in your tea now for you. Yes.

Is that a barn owl?

Just forget about the tea.
Will you just sit for one moment?

You're so skittish today.
Like a little pony.

So listen, I know we've only been
seeing each other for a few weeks

but I've been
thinking about the future.

Hi, can I speak to Miranda please?

Yes. Oh, hi, I'm from BT. I'm really
sorry you're not happy at the
moment. Oh, listen, I did mean it.

It's not you, it's me, I just want
to be with someone else. Bye.

Yay, mimsy-less! Disappointing!

What are you doing here?

They are here to wish me
well, er, for letting go of BT.

So why were you in the bathroom?

We urgently needed the loo.
We didn't go together.

I went first. I followed through.

OK. Bye then, guys.
Thanks so much for coming.

Look, I don't know what's going on
here but will you just listen to me
before I burst?

Wait, Mike, listen, I'm in love
with... I've taken a job in Africa.

What?

But I mean, after what you
said at the restaurant, just say
if you don't want me to go.

Oh, no you must go,
it's what you've always wanted.

What were you...? You're in love
with...? In love with Talk Talk for
my new ISP.

I have never known a family so
emotional about service providers.

Oh, I'll miss you, Marple.

Oh, I'll miss you so much, Quirky,
but let's talk, yeah?

Yeah. Bye.

Bye.

Alone again.

You've got me!

Why aren't you at the tennis club?

One glimpse of Belinda's smug face

that it was a celeb and press-free,
mediocre event and I abandoned.

Oh, Raymond's here! Evening,
Mr Blanc, thank you for coming.

Your table is over 'ere.

Pretend you're enjoying
yourself for Gary.

What are you doing?!

We're creating ambience.

Can you just stay out of it, please?
Why are you so angry with me?

Shush, Raymond is behind you!

I don't care about Raymond.
He ruined my day.

And you ruined mine.
The one day I needed your help.

Well, maybe I had
urgent things to do.

What, like rehearse a Take That
tribute band?

You know, there's always something
with you, isn't there?

On the one day I was struggling and
needed your help like you always do,

your issues are still more important
although they very rarely are!

They WERE more important! Oh, what?

What was more important?

Splitting up with my boyfriend and
telling you I'm completely

and utterly head over heels in love
with you, I love you!

Oh, that's embarrassing.

Do something more embarrassing
so it won't seem so embarrassing.

♪ I'm a little coconut,
ugly and hairy

♪ But when you crack me
open I ooze milk and nut.. ♪

No, that's worse.
I have no idea who this woman is.

Right, I'm just gonna flush
myself down a plug hole.

You'll never guess who's here
to meet Raymond.

Mr Gary Barlow, would you make an
appearance at my tennis club dinner?

For you, anything.

Take that, Blanc, we've got Barlow!

Mr Gary Barlow.

I lingered!

Yes!

He didn't say it back,
he could have said it back.

You've got me.

Love oo.

And me. And our band.
Take That's on karaoke.

♪ Whatever I said, whatever I did, I
didn't mean it

♪ I just want you back for good

♪ Want you back, want you back

♪ I want you back for good

♪ Whenever I'm wrong, just tell me
the song and I'll sing it

♪ You'll be right and understood

♪ Want you back, want you back

♪ I want you back for good

♪ Unaware but on the line

♪ Figured out the story

♪ No no, it wasn't good

♪ No no... ♪

You will have to leave at some
point. Yeah.