Miranda (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 6 - A Brief Encounter - full transcript

Hello.

I'm not going to lie,
I'm a bit down.

I've been in hiding since I
blurted out that I love Gary.

I'm such a dweeby blurter.

He just wants to be friends.

I must duvet cocoon.

That's better.

I was so down that Mum came to stay
and that just made it worse.

Is that the baddy or the goody?
Goody.

He looks baddy.

Oh!



Of course! I saw him in Spooks.

Why can't the elderly
ever just watch television?

Ooh, sex scene.
Reminds me of Brighton '72.

We played this amazing
game of naked Twister...

Unacceptable!

So I'm home alone and coping fine.

♪ On my own
pretending he's beside me

♪ All alone
I walk with him till morning

♪ I love him... ♪

♪ But when the night is over
he is gone. ♪

I'm fine.

No, I'm fine, and I've now got
a family to get over Gary.

So this is Larry, Barry, Carrie,
Harry, Glengarry,

and this is Sheila.



So...

Yeah, I'll be fine now.

I did think about going away, but
even the travel agent was stressy.

We've got nice breaks
in Lanzarote for two.

Oh, it's for one. For one?

Er...

Ooh, Madeira.

No, two sharing. Hefty...

single supplement.
Single supplement!

Why? If anything,
WE should be compensated

for the amount of times we've had
to send ourselves Valentines cards.

Not that I've done that.

I have done that.

And we use less linen, less shower
gel and much more minibar.

Maybe if you used more shower gel,
you'd be less single.

Just trying to storm out.

Sticky hinge there.

Who needs relationships
when kittens,

the culinary phrase,
"Pierce film lid,"

and this bad boy are in the world?

I give you...

the cushioned lap tray.

Oh, yes. Cue titles.

Oh! What, please, caller
is happening, please, thank you?

Thank you, to you,
for asking, please.

I have made
an executive life decisione.

In fact, go ahead, please, caller,
thank you, to you, please.

♪ What have you done today
to make you feel proud? ♪

Today, Heather, hello to you...

I have begun a Gary-free life.

Happy in singleness.

Well, apologies, but we cannot
hop aboard your life decisione.

We still think
you should talk to him.

Don't we? ♪ Yes. ♪

He's been busy
on restaurant recces all week,

neither of you has had
the chance to really talk.

I can't.

Well, ending
on an administration note,

please use the skip outside
for this nonsense.

Morning, darling.
Hello, Stevie, how are you?

Well, I'm all... Back to me.

I have an important announcement.

Your father and I...

I can't come.
You don't know what it is.

Already sounds awful.

On Saturday morning, your father
and I are having a ceremony.

Where's it going?

To renew our vows!

Even the notion!

As I say, I can't come.

Why not? Well, I will be...

washing the Queen's cheese.

Right, the timetable.

I've booked a dress fitting
here in an hour,

then you can help me write my vows.

I'd rather deep fat fry my face.

The florist is coming...

Hola les peepsicles!

Arretez immediatement what you are
doing for the Tilly O'Clock News.

Dong!

We're just on me, Tilly, so...

Dong!

And the headlines tonight...

I think I'm in love!

I'm on a cloud Nine-gella!

Smashing, now back to me.

No, no, Pen-pen, back to me.

So I'm going to bring him over
later for proper introductiones,

and then we can talk about...

Talk about my vows ceremoniones.
Back to me. Back to me!

Excuse me!

I am getting over a man
who I've been in love with

for the last 14 years,

who if I saw I would, literally,
die of embarrassment.

And today is the beginning
of my life as a committed spinster,

so, if anything,
back to me-ioniones...

Thoth-oth-oth-th!

Committed spinster? She's already
one step away from being the...

Local weirdo.

I am not weird.

Oh, no!

I'm going it alone. OK?
I can manage.

I'm fine.

OK, no, it's fine.
I'm absolutely...

If I just...

Sorry. I'll be fine.

I'll be fine. Just...

No, that's, er...

Don't help me. Don't help me.

I've got it now.

Just tell the driver
not to move off, please.

You said you were going it alone.

Tell him there's an inadvertent
passenger in his load, please.

Well, I really enjoyed
the landfill site.

Oh, isn't she fabulous?

I bet she's a cool,
not weird, spinster.

Look at her sort of swishing.

Ooh, I instantly want her
to be my new best friend.

Yeah. Oh, hang on, I saw her first.

No, but she's more
my kind of person.

- Oh, wrong, because you...
- Ooh!

Yoo-hoo!

Would you mind putting
some postcards in here

to advertise
my painting and designing?

OF course, yeah.

Ow!

Oh, they're stunning.
Oh, wow, you're so clever.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, that was a view in Morocco,

when I was living with a tribe
for three months.

Oh, just living with a tribe
for three months.

Oh, I had you pegged.

Don't touch her.

Creative, your own woman,
travel, yeah, I identify.

Yeah, well, I try to be open,
you know, go with the flow.

Hallelujah, sister.

Go with the flow.

You, flow?

She doesn't flow, I fl-...

Yeah. No, I flow, you know,
break conventions.

I mean, last night,

I had an After Eight
at quarter past seven.

We're of the same elk.

Not elk, that's a deer. Ilk.

Ilk. Yeah.

So you've been single a lot?

Well,
it's important to be a free spirit.

Have you been to Morocco? HAVE I?

Have you? No.

I don't swish like you, I sort of
stress like a constipated meerkat.

Miranda.

Oh, Miranda. I'm meeting your mum.

I'm designing the dress
for her ceremony.

I'm Helena.

Helena, my new best friend.

I'm Stevie. I love you. OK...

Helena, I'm so sorry I'm late.

Bumped in to Bunty Lumley-Kendall.

She's had the most wonderful,
what I call, idea.

It is an idea.

Tomorrow night at yours, Miranda,
a Penny shower!

Ah! Such fun!

I'd rather be pecked to death
by an angry blue tit.

Jennifer Truss-Funde is on eats.

She's thrilled with the distraction,

because she's in the throes
of a personal summer.

As in ghastly MENOPAUSE.

Now, I've nearly finished my vows.
Listen to this bit.

All I have on, I drop to the floor.

Gang, gang!

I intro my beau.

Now! Now, now!
Entree, entree, entree!

Surprise, surprise, what?

You and Ping Pong Charlie?

Totes amazeballs!

Feeling Tipsy, La-la and Po.

Teletubbies!

And it's 100 percenter-tentacles

not because the single pool
is so teeny weeny.

Ahhh...

By the by,
it's Cucumber Charlie now.

Funny story. In the mess kitchen,

stealing cucumber
for illegal Pimmsy drinkus,

chef comes in,
cucumber down trousers,

chef grabs, and the second time,
he gets the cucumber!

Smashing. Now back to my vows.

No, no. Wait, wait, wait.
How did this happen? Yes!

In Cyprus.

Long story or short?

Short!
Sambuca, donkey,
rumpy de pumpy!

Eee-awww! Ooh!

I'm loving it. Loving the loving.

You don't need it, Miranda.
You just embrace aloneness.

Yes. Correctomundomisinusacouscous.

I shall be a free spirit now.

Yeah, dine alone.
That proved it for me.

Dine alone! I will accept
that challenge, sister.

Yeah! I will swish through life now.

This is me miming
wearing a long skirt.

Yeah.

Ooh, it's gone a bit flamenco,
hasn't it?

Ooh, sorry, sorry.

No, sorry, that was just
the stamp movement. Sorry.

Swishing and flowing...

Hello. I've got a reservation.
Miranda - table for one.

Oh, yes. Table for one!

Ooh, can we keep a bit low key?
Is that all right?

Ooh!

Pick me,
I come with cream or custard!

Ooh!

Sorry about that.

Thank you so much...

Oh, right. Ooh!

You sweep me up. That's always
an unnerving moment, isn't it?

Good evening.

Feel a bit conspicuous.

Fake phone admin.

Important person.

Oh, hi, babe,
are you stuck in traffic?

Yeah the modelling job
went on a bit, did it? Yeah.

Boyfriend.

What can I get madam?

Madam would like
a glass of Prosecco,

and, er... ooh,
I think the seafood medley,

which I presume means...

they'll be singing songs
from the shows.

No, they don't.

No, I know. 'Twas a little joke.

Well, I wouldn't
want to be seen by anyone,

but madam's beginning to feel OK.

Gary! How you doing?
I'm good, how are you?

Very well, thank you. Good to
see you! This is lovely, isn't it?

Ooh! That's a hearty moustache.

What are you doing?
I'm just hiding from someone.

Yes, but you can't stay here.

Just for one moment,
my furry friend.

Ooh! It's a bit sudden but, er...

OK, I do!

Right.

Well...

You HAVE to laugh about all this!

It's really funny, no?

I think any minute now,
you'll think,

"How funny that she ruined
the best moment of my life."

So funny, isn't it?

He finds it hilarious!

OK!

Now is it funny?

Is it funny? No.

Now?

Is it... I'll just go.

Er, where have you been all morning?

Estate agents.

I have made an even bigger
life decisione.

I'm going to sell the flat, Stevie.

I'm going away. What?

Well, I'm always going to
bump into Gary, and it's always
going to be too painful.

Are you serious?

No, you won't really go away.

You're all mouth and no trouser
on the travel front.

Sometimes, literally,
if you remember Marbella '96?

Stevie, Stevie.

Belt stuck.
Belt stuck on the travelator.

Stevie!

Stevie!

I am going to Marbella! Marbella!

I am ready to sow
some travelly oats. So...

Look at my free spirit, yeah.

What place springs to mind?

Harpenden.

Harpenden? Yes.

You've got me all wrong.

No, I can be a Helena.

I know!

Morocco!

Yes, Miranda in Morocco.

They'll rename it Miracco.

I won't have to go to mum's vows.

Don't tell her I'm going.
I won't tell anyone.

Will you take the kittens?

Of course, but are you
really doing this? Yeah.

I am out of here, Stevie.

I shall maraca to Miracco. Yeah?

How is this, Harpenden?

This...

This, my friend...

is exotic.

Nay, erotic.

Ah, three, four, five, six.

Well, it's less good
with just the stick, but, er...

I can rock it.

Percussion!

Ahh...
This is better.

Gary who?

Well, don't judge me.

No, I know we've been here before,

but you know how much
I love a hotel room.

I just went to the bathroom.

The loo roll had a pointy tip!

Is there a random spare pillow
in the top of the cupboard?

Yes, there is!

Hotel slipper. Brilliant.

Ooh...

Although always too small and hard
to walk in, the hotel slippers.

Friction-tastic.

You ordered extra milk.
Yes, do come in, thank you.

I always find it takes at least 20,
what I call, milklets

to make a cup of tea.

We've met before.

Yes.

Oh, well, nice to see you again...

Jason.

You are lovely.

Youthful, yet rugged.

Now I wanted... oh!

Hi, yes, I wanted to order
an early turn-down.

Thank you.

Oh, Jason!

I knew it!

You say you've gone abroad.
You're at the Hamilton Lodge.

Gary's been looking for you.

Oh, no! He says your phone's off.

No! I knew there was hope.

You're coming back!

Get out of my duvet!

I want to duvet cocoon.

Oh, stop cocooning! I'm stuck!

OK, well, hold still,
and I'll mount out.

Turn-down service...

I'll come back.

She was just mounting.

Don't say that.

You're blocking my exit!

OK, everything you're saying.

Look, I'll go. No, no, no. Stay,
stay, stay. I think I can... Ohh!

That's better. No!

Sorry. There we go.

Just, er...

Just turn me down, thank you.

It's 11 o'clock in the mo...

Oh!

Wow!

You're a bit...

Sorry.

Why do you even want a turn-down?

Why do I want a turn-down?!

Because you slip in, roll over,
there's a chocolate!

She doesn't need a
turn-down service.

Just turn me down.

I might just go.

Turn me down!

I'm going to start a new life...

With Jason.

It's from Gary. He says,

"If you're with Miranda,
please tell her to come and talk."

Right, you're not selling the flat
or going anywhere

without talking to him.

You'd regret it.

You're right.

Well...

We'll always have room 24.

I could slip in to the turn-down.

Oh, dear.

We're cougars!

Sorry.

Sorry. We've let ourselves down.

OK.

So sorry. Quick!

Last look.

Ohhh...

Free stuff! Get free stuff!
Free stuff! I want a sewing kit!

No... A tiny little...
I'm taking a kettle!

Oh, hi!

Oh, I'm so relieved.
I thought you'd gone away.

So...

I need to say...

What?

Oh, sorry.

I'll be in room 24. Phwoar!

Miranda, please don't go away.

I can't imagine you
not being around,

and I know I said just friends,
but...

But what?

But...

You can't say any more, Gary.

You don't have a but.

I mean, you have a physical butt.

Your physical butt
is second to none.

Sorry. But, um...

Well, you'll never man up
for your emotional but.

So...

This lady has a-flown.
She is a-sailing.

I swish now. That's a chair.

That's a chair.

I swish now.

Right. Is that all of you?

Now, Stevie's taking me
to the airport,

and then she'll come
and get you, OK?

Well, at least we had a great
last round of our favourite game.

Where's Miranda...?

'Unidentified item
in the bagging area.'

Funny!

Bye, flat.

I'm sorry I had to sell you,
but I hope you have some lovely
new owners.

I'm talking to a flat.

Aww...

'Please hold the handrail,
and disembark safely.'

Health and safety gone mad!
It's just an escalator.

Ooh!

Surprising!

Ooh!

Right, this is it.

I'll miss you so much.

Bye.

Why the zigzag
when there's no-one here?

Is this your bag, madam?
Yes, is there a problem?

It is now a suspicious package,
madam.

Excuse me.

I do not have a suspicious package.

Well, it looks like a pretty
suspicious package to us.

Well, if you don't pardon
the euphemism,

you're more likely to have
a suspicious package.

Do you want to let the cat
out of the bag?

Open the case, please.

Ahh...

Someone needs to let the cat
out of the bag...

I'll need to report this.

Well, she obviously just got in
there when I was packing.

Can't you put her in a taxi
to my home? Because I've got to get
a flight.

I'd get in to trouble if I didn't
let the cat out of the bag about
letting the cat out of the bag.

You may not have noticed,

but I didn't find the cat in the bag
joke funny the first time.

Someone needs to let the cat
out of the bag.

Terry, did you hear what I said?

Because she's got a cat in her bag.

Oh, yeah, look.

Someone needs to let the cat
out of the bag.

Someone needs to let the cat
out of the bag.

If I hear cat in the bag
one more time, I will blow.

I swear, I will blow!

Ooh!

Oh!

Well, in some ways,
this has ended how I'd like it.

Tena pads!

Oh, there you are, darling.

You've just missed
Pass the HRT Parcel.

Now it's time for Pin the Tail on
Carol Vorderman's rear of the year.

Oh, big one!

What are you doing? I'm on an
emotional rollercoaster here.

Sheila was in my bag.

Don't laugh.

Oh, Stevie, I was so ready to go.

Grab the globe.
Wherever it lands, you go. Right.

I bloody love Vorders!

Ooh!

Wick?

Tippety top of Scotland.

In the UK, can go by train.

No suntan lotions,
no bikinis, lots of batter.

Look up times, my petite amigo.

With my body I honour you as often
as you need a good honouring.

There's one at 9:00am...
But you'd miss the vows.

Book it, book it!

BOOK IT!

Right.

This is it.

I'm sorry, but I'm leaving home
and there was swelling music, so...

Tyrone!

Look what this woman done!

Wait!

I'm on the wrong train.
I'm on the wrong bleeding train.

Wait!

Ooh!

Stevie told you.

And I came straight away.

I've got something to say.

Oi! There she is.

Youths! Youths? Run! Oh, Miranda,
what have you done now? Run!

Wait for me! Come on!

They won't be able to run for long.
Their trousers will trip them up.

Come on!

And you were right,
I needed to... Need to man up.

I'm just sorry it's taken me
so long.

So...

When Stevie told me
that you were leaving,

I knew what I had to do.

I had to let you go.

But... There's a but.

Yeah, I'm manning up for my but.

Don't!

But...

I realised...

I can't let you go.

Cos it's... it's always been you.

Nice but.

Are you sure, Gary? Cos I sculpt
fruit and call them names.

And when my breasts are bra-free, I
can fit not just a pencil under them

but both remote controls -
it's where I keep them.

Wow!

Was the remote control thing
that sexy?

No-one can match up to you.

I love you.

What are you doing?

Bored of you already! What...?

I've got to go to the restaurant.
Oh!

They're going to be back from the
ceremony in like ten minutes. OK.

Er...
I'll change and come over. OK.

I forgot to say...

And we need the survey done
as soon as possible.

Found it! Oh!

You?!

You're buying the flat?

Well, I'm sorry, but actually,
it is no longer for sale.

But we...

Oh, sorry, it's not just you
that's all loved-up.

Bye.

Listen, I've really, really...
I've got to go. OK.

I'll just, er... I'll see you
in a sec. See you later. OK.

Hello.

Hi!

Mmm!

This is so weird. I know!

Shall we tell everyone?

Oh, let's just wait for a bit.

I don't think I can.

Today? Everyone's here.
I mean, let's just wait and then...

What?

Well, the thought of telling
everyone and you froze.

OK, I'm scared.

I think, can I meet your needs?
Can I...

Yeah, you see, I know that you think
that I'm needy but I'm not actually.

I am with you because...

you never affirm, Gary.

If a man says, "I love you,"

then that's all she needs.

I can't go for this
if you're holding back.

Just be patient, please, for me?

Ooh!

You've had more farewells than Cher.

Are you staying?

I don't know.

That was quick, you're back!

Oh! Darling!

Oh, there's someone here who'll be
delighted. Where's he gone?

Mike!

What are you...?
Are you back for good?

Well, that depends on...

Well... a few weeks in Africa
was enough for me to know.

Miranda...

Will you marry me?

What do you say?

Well?

What DO you say?

What do YOU say?

Miranda?

Er...

OK.

Miranda...

Will you marry me?

You're just saying!

Just say yes!

To who?

It doesn't matter!

Miranda?