Miranda (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 4 - Je Regret Nothing - full transcript

Well, hello to you and thank you
for welcoming me into your room.

I don't mean this image of me on your screen,
I mean, look behind you - I've crept in!

Not really.
At least one of you looked.

The reason I'm cowering -
I've had the worst week of my life.

Mum's been staying.

Not just that - she's been
trapped inside with a bad back

for five very long days.

I even had to take her to
the loo. I'll never recover.

There should be a law
against mothers wearing thongs.

Mike accepted a training
course to get away.

I am at
the plotting-her-death stage.



Oh, yes, and she's got a bell.

Once more unto the breach...

And when I say fresh towel,

I don't mean Febrezed and
flapped outside of the window.

And have you got my magazines yet?

And have you changed that bin liner?

I'm doing, I'm doing it!

Oh, sorry about that.

Yes, dear?

Could you pass me the doobries?
Don't call them doobries.

The remote control doobries.

It's just remote control.

You don't need to put
doobries at the end.

What is it with mothers?



You give birth,
you instantly don't understand

anything technical any more.
Ridiculous.

But you suddenly have a spare
drawer of greeting cards, don't you?

Yes, and you walk in
to a room to ask a question

and then you just
answer it yourself.

I'm just here!

I'd like my sheets
changed before I eat.

What's that?

It's your mobile. Every time!

Hello?

Hello?

Hello, darling.
Are you on the homo phone?

Land line!

Don't call it a homo phone.

Oh, the hotel phone.

No, of course
I haven't been a burden!

Yes, I wish I were there, too.
Do you remember '68?

Me and belly dancing. Ha-ha!

Stop it, Sheikh Sexy!

I'll have to use the safe word!
Urgh, no!

Not under my roof, young lady!

Never do this with a man. This
position does nothing for your chin.

Unacceptable sentence.

Now, is there anything else
I can get you?

Like a killer blow to the face?

What, who said that?

I'll have you know I have
the right to be demanding.

I earned that right the minute

I pushed a ten-pound you
through my clacker.

I can't apologise enough.

You may think it's
been hard for you...

Yes, hello! Oh, bell!

"Plump this, dust-bust that.

"Oh, could you turn the TV up
when the news is on?

"Could you turn it down
if they're left wing?

"Can you please put
the subtitles on Taggart?

"I simply can't understand
the accents.

"Plunge the loo before I go,
expunge the bath."

Any activities ending in
"unge" should be banned.

I am on an unge protest.

Although plunge is a lovely word.

Plunge.

Plunge.

Well, you try living with someone

who farts every time she
gets up from a chair...

uses oven gloves for slippers
and wastes her life snack-fishing.

I've seen you try it.
It is fun! Snack-fishing!

What will I get?

Oh, a malt loaf!

Would you mind if I read
my magazine in peace?

Ooh, a Bakewell!

Stop pretending to be a geisha
in your oven glove slippers.

Stop pretending
to be Darcey Bussell.

Oh! I've seen something awful.

Your face - it must
have been a terrible shock!

Ha, nice one, Mummy!

Oh, no, it is there,
it's a grey hair.

It's my first grey hair.

What are you doing?
I'm colouring it in.

This is all your fault.

You've driven me to old age.
I feel ill.

May I remind you that I am the one
with a severe muscle spasm?

Yes, and whose fault is that?

Every other year, I have won
Ladies Latte Karate Pilates

with no problem.

Oh, no, there's another one!

Oh, well, this is it, isn't it?

This is the end. My youth is over.

I'm turning in to my
what-I-call-mother.

What a joyful day
that will be for you.

Yes. No, I can't wait.

I can't wait to decide
whether to go out or not

by looking at the weather report.

Look outside - that's the weather!

Oh. I hoped for ten years of
following dreams, ten of going...

tsk, "kids", and a good
20 years of cake-bakery,

garden centres and "such fun" before
the simmering racism creeps in.

Will you stop wallowing
like an oversized walrus?

Walruses are already oversized.
That's my point - you're massive.

Like you were the day
I pushed you out through my...

Where are my reading glasses?
On your head.

Where, where are they?
On your head.

Those are my driving glasses.

Where are my reading glasses?

On your head, on your head,
on your head!

Oh, they're on my head.
On your head!

Such fun!

NOT fun.

You see, this is the kind of thing.
I'm ageing with irritation.

Soon I'll be ironing napkins
and texting in capitals.

I mean, I don't mean to be dramatic
but... I'm realising now that

I'm entering my twilight years
and I've never even really lived.

Thank you.

All I think about now is death -
mine and the potential joy of yours.

What, who said that?

Do you ever think about the things
you've never done with your life?

I mean, I've never
walked barefoot through Paris

or showered under a waterfall.

I've never been to a music festival.

I think my greatest achievement

was when I tied massive helium
balloons to Stevie

when she was asleep.

She woke up on the ceiling!

Do you have regrets, Mum?

I should have gone on that
barge holiday with Roger Moore.

I only had three of the four members
of the pop sensation Bucks Fizz.

And I SHOULD have joined the
dance troupe, Pan's People.

You? Pan's People? They said
I gave one of the most sensual

auditions in the group's history.

Now, look, will you stop having an
existential crisis and smarten up?

Dr Gale will be here any minute.

Dr Gale's coming here?

Yes, so make yourself look
more homely, less homeless.

You look like a model for
the Sue Ryder Foundation.

Dr Gale has gone private.
Even more of a catch.

I'd like to remind you
that I have a boyfriend now.

But this is Dr Gale. He is...

Seriously hot!

Right.

Febrezing!

A bit of spray.

Ooh! Oh, that's stingy!

Oh, it's hairspray!

Oh, that's given me
a little joie de vivre.

No! Sorry.

Hello, Dr Foxy!

Come in.

Sorry I'm late. Terrible traffic
because of this music festival.

Sorry, Doctor,
I hope it doesn't smell in here.

We've been a bit cooped up
so it might smell of breath or...

Let's leave it at breath.

I'll crack open a window, shall I?

Ooh, crack! Cheeky. Crack.

Plunge.

Plunge my crack. No!

So, how are we? Oh, hello, Doctor.

As I said on the phone, I think
you'll benefit from an injection.

If you can just manage
to get on your front...

Absolutely, yes.

I meant the patient.

Sorry, Doctor. So silly of me!

The injection will
be in your bottom.

Very good. And that should have you
up and moving about very soon.

Well, hello!

Hello!

Ladies.

So, what are you a
doctor of... gorgeousity?

Do get in touch if it's not
eased off by the morning.

Certainly will, ha-ha!
Oh, sorry, snorted.

What is wrong with us?

Stop it!

Now, how's the patient?

Well, I... Penny, c'est fini.
I have an announcementington.

I have decided,
X Factor-style pause-ios...

Bear with.

To become a life coach!

Help us all!

I mean, isn't that just pour moi?
Totes perfectulant?

No, that is just marvelo-drome.

I could life-coach you, Queen Kong.

- I don't need a life coach.
- Yes, you do.

Yes, you do.

- Well, I can't afford it.
- We'll pay.

I have savings.
I'll lend you the money.

I'll sell a kidney.

I'm not up to this abuse.
I'm really not feeling very well.

My headache's now been
going on for five days.

That could be something serious,
actually. I'm going to Google it.

Oh, she's such a hypo.

Hey, Penny! How are you feeling?

Well, I've been flat on my...

I've got cerebral venous thrombosis!

I'm not going to hospital.

I mean, if things aren't bad enough,
they make you wear a gown

with a what-I-call-arse-gap.

Gown, gown, gown, no gown there!

Dr Gale's blood-pressure cuff!

Gary, you can do this.

May I just remind you
I'm the patient here?

I've just had a prick in my bottom.

Right, I'm just going to pump it up.
You may feel a swelling.

Oh, no! Is that the band tightening
or my arm inflating?

OK, I'm really freaking out now.

Let's have a nice cup of tea,
take your mind off it. Good idea.

Knock, knock. Who's there?

Dr Who!

Very good. Er, I-I stupidly
left my blood pressure cuff.

Thank you.

Actually, whilst you're here, could
you reassure me, would you mind?

It's just that I think
I've got, um, thrombosis.

♪ I might die in your arms tonight

♪ It must have been
something you said

♪ I just died in your arms tonight

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa! ♪

Why don't you come and see me
at the surgery in the morning?

I may not last the night.

This has got the beginning
of Casualty all over it.
Is this the end?

I'll give you half an hour.
Half an hour to live?

I knew I was ill!

Someone take me to Disneyland,
there's no time.

Have sex with me, Doctor.
No, no, no, no.

I mean, I'll give you a half an hour
appointment in the morning.

I thought you meant to live!

I am happy to maintain
the offer of the sex.

Now look what you've done,
I was in there!

Girls! Girls!

GIRLS!
You're really scaring me.

Sorry.

Stop it!

What am I doing?
I'm the one with the boyfriend.

I'm going to ring Mike,
tell him to come back.

We'll start living our lives
to the full, yeah.

Because I don't mean
to be dramatic...

That near-death experience

has made me realise I've got to
start living free from regrets!

Thank you.

Seriously, I've got to start doing
all the things I've never done.

I'm going to... I'm going to play
at Wembley with the Spice Girls.

Oh, be realistic.

Nyurgh, ugh, ugh-ugh! OK,
I'll dance under the stars...

Got it! I'm going to go to
that music festival.

What, you, going
to... Beatz on the Green?

I'm going to make a change. Ooh!

♪ I'm looking for the man
but woman in the mirror

♪ I'm asking him/her
to change his/her ways

♪ If you wanna make the
world a better place

♪ Take a look at yourself
Ow! ♪

Oh!

Rude.

Oh, I feel dreadful.
Sweaty and achy.

I knew I was ill.

This is meant to be the first
day of the rest of my life.

I had a horrid night.

I opened a window at one point
and then, half an hour later,

there was a cat on my head.

Fright of my life.

I rang the doctor's surgery,

they said, "Stay away if
you've got suspected flu."

I said, "You're the ones spreading
germs with your touch screen
appointment systems."

Touche.

Oh, look how limp-y I am.

Oh, I'm so limp-y, like a limpet,

like Limpet Opek.

Darling, darling, do you
remember the name of the...?

Marjorie, that's it!

Look at Mummy!

A night in her own bed
and her swagger's back.

Mum, help, I'm ill.

What is it this time,
bubonic plague?

I left my glasses.
Here they are. Must dash.

I've had a life-coaching
session from Tilly.

You made me think about regrets,

so Tilly is teaching me
to maximise my Penny alive-time.

Thrilly bots! Mum!

Mum, wait.

Oh, chickening out of going
to a music festival, are we?

Not well, am I.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't have time for this.

Some of us like to look at a picture
of Heather Small in the morning,

and hear her sing...

♪ What have you done today
to make you feel proud? ♪

All best wishes, kind regards.

Stevie, wai... Oh!

I could do a little weepy.

Where's my Midsomer Murders DVD?

Why are DVDs always so hard to open?

So annoying!

I'm too limp to do
the puncture with pen.

Where are the doobries? Oh, no.

Well, if you're not going,

you can get up and help me with
the new stock. Look - funny pig!

Funny little bunny.

And a funny little dog!

Why are you not finding these funny?

Because I'm ill. Oh, nonsense!

I'll get your usual breakfast -

eggs, beans, muffins, bacon,
sausage, bread, fried bread,

er, toast, pancakes
and a side of lasagne?

No.

No?! You are ill, aren't you?

Let me... Oh!

Have you got a little
wet wipe, just for the germs?

Oh, I'm sorry,
we've got to get you better

so you can start your new life.

I know. I had to ring Mike and say
I was ill so not to come back.

Oh, Stevie, I want to be romanced!

Oh, the breath!

But no-one's going to
romance you looking like that.

I'm not being rude but you
look like a fat, sweaty friar.

Saying I'm not being rude before
that does not make it not rude.

Have you been romanced?

Hello! Hot fox!

I mean, romance is easier for me,
for I am blessed with the allure.

With the allure, yes.
You don't have monopoly on allure.

Oh, I do, because I am captain
of the Allure Society.

Allure Society?

Yes, those ordained with the allure
meet and I take the minutes.

I see you've never been invited.
Because it's imaginary.

Right, we'll get you sorted.

I would give you a hug but you're
literally riddled with bacteria

and I'm not being rude,
but you stink.

Well, I'm not being rude
but you're a rancid Barbie!

Oh, I know what will soothe -
I'll sing for you.

Oh, no, that's fine really.

♪ And now the end is near

♪ And so I face
the final curtain... ♪

That's inappropriate.
Of all songs!

Or what about...?

♪ Edelweiss, you look
happy to greet me... ♪

It's like a vocal hug, isn't it?
No, it's really not.

♪ Edelweiss, edelweiss... ♪
Can you maybe just go?

Just go and sing it to
Heather in the shop.

Yeah, it's better
sort of further away.

Don't be silly, Stevie,
she's being a hypo.

Come on, Queen Hypo-Congria,

Carpe diem - seize the carp!

Oh, for goodness sake!
Urgh, you look disgusting!

Like, truly horrendo!
Like a drunk Princess Anne.

You ARE ill!

OK, life coaching.

So... No, I just need to sleep.
No, shush!

Apparently it's all about a build-up
of negativos emocionios, OK?

So we need to emotionally
and physically declutter.

I've got a high temperature, I...
Wheelie bin that negativos, OK?

We start emotionally. We could
go with the obvious stufferoo -

that you're a child
trapped in the body of a woman,

trapped in the body of a man,
trapped in the body of
a bigger woman,

trapped in the body of a Kong!

No, seriously,
there's loads of you in there!

This isn't really helping.

Oh, no, hush your Kong face!

I'm so fired up
by this life coaching.

It's right up my bridle path.

Now what?

Oh, I'm not here. I'm just
going to sterilise all surfaces.

Just pretend I'm not here.

I think she'd rather
jog it off, Stevie.

Jog it off?!

Jog it off?!

I think, once the flat is sterile,
you'll be able to relax.

There's germs everywhere!

I'm going to tap
your temperature away.

How is this helping? How? How?

Now, I got you a sponge,
cos my granny used to say

you put a hot sponge in
your mouth for fevers.

Now, Stevie, do you not think
you might benefit a little from

le coaching of le life?

Gary's had a sessione. I'm just
sensing a cleanliness issue.

Of all the people who
don't need life coaching,

I am she, all best wishes,
kind regards.

Just text me if you need more Tilly
inspiration. More... tinspiration!

♪ I could have danced all night

♪ Da-da da, da-da da!

♪ And still have begged for more

♪ Seven! ♪

Now, come here.

Oh, this is nice.

Mm. Oh, thanks for the flowers.

Oh, actually, they're not for you.

THEY'RE for Jacinta.

Jacinta? Jacinta, yeah.

Jacinta? Jacinta.

Who's Jacinta?
I met her last night.

Oh. Yeah, I've been feeling a
bit down since Rose and I split up,

and, I don't know, I just took
on board what you said yesterday

and went out and did something.

I went to a ballroom dance class and
have been up all night with Jacinta.

Jacinta.

Well, isn't that
stick your face in a blender

and punch yourself in
the stomach marvellous?

Now, listen you - get better, OK?

And, er, ooh,
I'll just leave these here for you.

Oh, I don't want chilli chicken!

Well, hello. Kerchung!

Penny.

If I'm not dreaming now,
can you just knock me out?

Tilly's encouraged me to
purge my Pan's People regret

by auditioning for the
Shepperton Amateur Dramatics
production of Chicago.

I am ripe for Velma.
Five, six, seven, eight!

No-one should have to see this.

By the way, Tilly
says your negativity

is a drain on my dance skills.

Also, am I really controlling?

Am I a neat freak?

And am I bossy?
Tilly says I'm bossy.

And pushy. Am I pushy? Am I pushy?
Miranda, am I pushy?

Miranda, am I a childish
commitment-phobe?

According to Tilly, searching for
romance is like a detour from
reality or something.

Apparently, I shouldn't
be a life coach.

That's ridiculous.
This is my life's work.

I trained for this for a
whole weekend... in Shropshire.

I went to Shropshire.

I still don't know where
that is and I went there.

I just think your life
should be pretty ship-shape
if you want to be a life coach.

Will you please shut up!

If you haven't noticed, I'm not
very well actually, thank you,

please, to you, thank you very much.

I'm spending the first day
of the rest of my life in bed,

calling remote controls "doobries",

and, instead of helping, you're
shouting and wearing leotards,

and I hate you all.

Darling, do you want to come home
with me? Please say no.

Well, I don't want to jinx it,
but I feel better.

I THINK I'm OK.

"Sorry we were so awful.
Here if you need us. Love the gang."

Aw!
They were really sweet last night.

Gary made me a broth,
which is just soup,

but it's called broth
if you're ill for some reason,

and Stevie sang me a song of my
choosing which was instrumental,

so that went well, yeah.

I bought you some croissants
and eggs done three ways,

so you have a choice and some tea.

I didn't know whether
you'd feel like anything.

Yeah, I'm still quite poorly.

Oh. Erm...

Would you like anything
from Stevie's tray?

Well, as long as
that's not a euphemism...

I think I'll have
a croissant and...

some eggs.

Which eggs would you...?
All of them.

And Gary was asking if you
might feel like any meals later.

Um, what would probably really help
would be a curry with extra...

poppadoms.

Leaving you in peace.

Well, I could go to the festival,
but I think a bigger life regret

would be not sponging off
all my friends.

And a music festival?
I mean - terrifying.

If nothing else, what would
the facilities be like?

Oh, no, I'm going purse-lipped
at the thought. No.

I've had the best day of
my life - ill but well.

And I asked Gary for a trifle

after the curry to ease
my throat - brilliant!

And then I said I needed
some me time. So...

Will you please welcome,
live at Wembley...?

Miranda!

I'd like to thank Michael Buble
for being my warm-up,

and will you now please welcome to
the stage some very good friends -

the Spice Girls?

Life size.

And segue in to slow song.

♪ Wanna make love to you, baby...

♪ Wanna make love to you, baby... ♪

You've been fine all day?

We thought you had a brain tumour
and called Dr Gale.

I risked coming back here.

Risked? I'm not mad, am I, Sporty?

- She says no.
- So sorry, Doctor.

Can I take you out to make up for it?
Oh, there's no need.

I think he'd rather go out with moi!

You'd rather go out
with me if anyone.

If you had to choose one of us,
then who would you...?

Ooh! Doctor Gale!

For goodness sake!

Why can't anyone not go all
Carry On Doctor with me?

Well, it's just cos you're so hot.

Gary!

Stop it!

Now, listen you,
we had a surprise for you -

a festival in your flat.

Yes, with a burger van
and everything.

And a karaoke machine.
That sounds brilliant!

Well, tough teats! If you
want to go to a music festival,

you are going to have to go
to an actual music festival.

No regrets, remember?
Or are you too scared?

Hmm?

No, I'm not scared.
I'm... already drunk on da Beatz.

This is the best festival ever!

Oh, are you not very well?

♪ Oh, je ne regrette rien! ♪

Oh, it's like a vocal hug,
isn't it, Stevie?