Miracle Workers (2019–…): Season 3, Episode 9 - Oregon Trail: Stranded - full transcript
Ezekiel, Benny, and the farmers face starvation as they try to survive a blizzard. Meanwhile, Todd gets into politics.
[Trig sighs]
We made it, gang. Oregon.
[cheerful chatter]
She sure is purty, huh, boss?
She sure is.
And she's ours for the taking.
- [men chuckle]
- TODD: Guys? Uh...
Guys, wait up.
I'm having trouble
steering my horse.
- Okay, I...
- Turn left.
No, mine's broken. It's broken.
No, the other left. My left.
Okay, I know he saved us
from certain death and all,
but do we really have
to babysit this idiot?
Okay, great. Now I'm
just going in reverse.
Can I get a new one?
Yeah, let's just go.
TODD: Wow, Prudence!
It's more majestic than I
ever could have imagined.
Maybe if you untied me we could
- enjoy the view together.
- Nice try.
The last time I
did that, you tried
to gouge my eyes
out with a spoon.
Not very wifely of you.
That's because you
betrayed our friends
and left them to
die, you rat bastard!
Hey! Language!
And need I remind you
that I'm the victim here?
If you hadn't betrayed me
and slept with that
snake-in-the-grass reverend,
none of this would've happened.
But, despite your past misdeeds,
I still think we
can make it work.
We'll have a new,
fresh start in Oregon.
Todd, how could you
possibly believe that?
You're literally holding me
prisoner against my will.
Ah, it's a funny story
we'll tell the kids one day.
- [horse snorts]
- Now stop complaining.
You're upsetting the horse.
Crops are coming in nicely.
We should have plenty this year.
Greetings, travelers!
Welcome to Oregon! [Chuckles]
- I'm Governor Lane.
- Happy to be here.
Please, help yourself to
as much land as you want.
There's lumber and cattle
and basically anything you need.
Also, if you're
running low on cash,
there's plenty of
gold in the river.
Gold?
- In the river?
- Yes.
It's quite a nuisance, actually.
I'm always stubbing
my dang toe on gold!
Oh, my God, I hate when
that happens to me!
Oh, and my apologies.
We don't have much by the way
of law and order out here.
Mostly go by the honor system.
I hope that's all
right. [laughs]
Oh, that's more than all right.
Gang, let's get to work.
- Gang, you say?
- [horse whinnies]
Oh, my! Many horses.
[theme music playing]
[wind whistling]
Well, I guess we didn't make
it to Oregon before winter.
Looks like we're stuck here
until the storm passes.
I just feel bad for the
Rev out there on his own.
I don't feel bad
for that sinner.
He can freeze
his wicked willie
off for all I care.
MARTHA: We can't
go on like this.
We ate the provisions,
we ate the oxen.
We're all gonna starve to death!
Okay, Martha, you're
being a tad dramatic,
don't you think?
No one's gonna die.
[gasping]
He's dead.
Okay, you gotta admit,
the timing on that
one was pretty funny.
Poor William. So young, strong.
And juicy.
Seems like a waste to bury him.
All that meat and yummy blood.
Okay, are you talking about what
I think you're talking about?
We're talking about eating him.
Yeah, that's what I thought
you were talking about.
Guys, we're not eating people!
Clearly I'm no moral authority,
but if the Rev were here,
he would say something cheesy
yet ultimately uplifting
about doing the right thing!
The Rev ain't here, is he?
And I'm getting hungry.
Oh, so that's it.
Now we're all just cool
with being cannibals?
- Yep.
- Sure, yeah.
- I'm good with it.
- Amen.
I'll get the fire started!
Wow. All right, then.
I'm gonna go see what
the Rev is up to.
[chuckles]
Hey, boss. What's got you down?
Oh, nothing.
It's just, Oregon isn't
what I was expecting.
Are you kidding? This
place is a paradise!
Hell, I'm richer
than a Rockefeller.
See, that's the problem.
It's impossible to be bad here
when everything is
so damn... good.
I don't follow.
Look.
Hey, you.
[bored] Give me all your money.
Oh, my pleasure.
[chuckles] You're
actually doing me a favor.
My jacket was getting heavy.
Do you need an extra
watch? I got plenty.
- No, thank you! Bye.
- All right, you're welcome.
See? How am I supposed to
be the most feared outlaw
in the entire country if
there's plenty to go around?
- [bell ringing]
- Re-elect Governor Lane!
For four more years of health,
wealth, and prosperity!
- [laughs]
- That's it.
If I became governor,
then I could make Oregon
just as shitty as
the rest of America.
Boss... you can't
run for governor!
- You're a...
- Woman.
And Black.
And a convicted serial
killer. Yeah, that's a lot.
If only we knew a
dumb, rich white guy
who could run for me...
Wait a minute!
We do know a dumb,
rich white guy!
Hey, sugar plum.
Your devoted hubby made
you breakfast in bed!
Well... breakfast in cage.
Let me out of here, you psycho.
You really think this is
gonna make me love you?
What, you don't like this cage?
No, I don't like you!
Well, you like the swing.
[sighs] Yes, I like the swing.
- [door opening]
- Hey, Todd.
Oh, hey, nice cage.
Piss off.
Trig, why are you here?
Just wanted to see how
you were settling in.
Hmm. Pictured a
man of your station
living somewhere nicer.
Hmph!
Somewhere like... the
governor's mansion?
I'm listening.
I want to help you become
the next governor of Oregon.
And in return, I may ask you
to pass a bill or
two turning Oregon
into a living hell on
Earth. [Prudence scoffs]
Yeah, right! Like anyone
would willingly jeopardize
an entire state just
to stoke their ego.
You're absolutely right.
Now about this
governor's mansion.
Does it come with a big desk?
- The biggest.
- Okay, I'm in.
All right. What?
Hey, Rev!
You alive in there?
Benny? [Gasps] Benny!
Great to see you!
Come in, come in!
Welcome to Chez Zeke. Ha ha.
Take a seat.
Uh, nice place you got.
Oh, thank you. What
a nice thing to say.
Yes, it was a bit
lonely at first,
being banished to a
frozen wilderness,
it's given me loads of time
to explore my other interests.
For instance, I learned
how to bake sourdough!
Want some?
It's mostly twigs and dirt,
but you can hardly
tell the difference.
Yeah, maybe later.
Look, there's some bad stuff
going down at the cabin.
I need you to come back with me
and talk some sense
into everyone!
You know, do your
preacher thing.
No, I can't do that. Why not?
Because everything I
preached was a lie!
I devoted my entire life
to God, and what for?
Prudence is in mortal
danger and we are trapped,
dying, on a mountainside.
Ah, you're just in a bad mood.
Probably due to
late-stage hypothermia.
Come on, I need you
to come with me!
Oh! And uh, you
might want to shave.
You look like Davy Crockett
if he was a huge pervert.
[chamber music plays]
Guys! Oh.
Look who I found.
Ezekiel. I'm disappointed to see
you haven't frozen to death.
Hi, Phaedra. It's
nice to see you, too.
All right, go on, Rev.
Tell them what they're
doing is wrong.
We know it doesn't look great.
I'm not gonna tell
you that. You're not?
God doesn't care what you do.
Nothing matters.
In fact, may I?
Bon appétit.
[loud crunching] Whoa!
Leave some for the rest of us.
Huh. Did not see
that one coming.
♪♪♪♪♪♪
Man.
Rev, this shoulder's delicious.
What'd you put in it?
- Blood.
- Blood? Hmm.
- Oh, now I taste it.
- Mm-hmm.
Can someone please
pass the butt?
Benny, did you want some light
or dark meat, or penis?
I'll pass, thanks.
Rev, you gotta put
a stop to this.
The Bible must say something
about not eating people.
I mean, sure, God
says it's a sin, but,
God and I are not
speaking at the moment.
He abandoned me.
Ezekiel, I'm so sorry.
Really, who does
that to a person?
I'm sure he's just
busy with work!
You know, probably
creating a new planet
or designing a new
kind of giraffe.
It doesn't work like
that. And in the meantime,
nothing's gonna stop
me from enjoying
another serving of William.
No! Where did William go?
Looks like we ate him all up.
But I'm still hungry.
[scoffs] William is
just like Chinese food.
You know? I get so full,
and then five minutes later
I'm like, "I could do seconds."
Well, too bad there aren't
any more bodies to eat.
Not yet, at least.
♪♪♪♪♪♪
Don't you look at me, boy.
Oh, I'm... I'm... I'm not.
[whispers] Let's eat him next.
CROWD, CHANTING: Todd!
Todd! Todd! Todd!
Make Oregon bad!
Make Oregon bad!
TODD: Yes!
The old governor wanted
peace and prosperity
for everyone... and
[blows raspberry]
I say we do the exact opposite,
because...
America!
[all cheering]
[cheering continues]
- [crowd chanting]
- He is killing it out there!
I can't believe people
are falling for this.
Todd doesn't know the
first thing about politics.
He's just loud and obnoxious.
I know. He's a genius.
I mean, an idiot, but a genius.
If they found out he was
keeping his wife in a cage,
they would never vote for him.
And they never will
find out, will they?
I want you to meet someone
very special to me,
my adoring wife,
Prudence. What do you say?
[cheering]
- You want to meet Prudence?
- ALL: Yeah!
Let's get her out here!
- That's a bad idea.
- No, this is a good idea.
No, I say it's a bad idea.
No, Trig, I swear to
God, get her out here.
You know, actually, I'd love to.
[crowd chanting "Todd's wife!"]
Todd's wife, Prudence!
Todd's wife, Prudence!
There she is, my
loving wife, everyone.
That's it, keep waving.
Oh, this is good. This is nice.
Hey, Prudence, why
don't you tell the crowd
what you love most about me?
Uh, I'd have to think.
Tell them he's a
great family man.
- Do it.
- Uh...
He's a great family man.
- [cheering]
- Family!
My grandmother in
particular loves him, yeah.
Her name is Ima. Ima Hostage.
You never told me
about Ima before.
She sounds lovely.
So was her husband.
Yeah, his name was,
This Is An Emergency.
Call The Police, Someone,
Anyone, Please.
Okay, that's enough. Let's go.
Oh, whoa, whoa, wait.
Wait, wait, wait.
I think the people
would love to see
the new governor
and his wife kiss.
No, no, there's no way.
I'm not doing that.
Kiss him or you die. [Cocks gun]
[crowd chanting "Kiss!"]
[chanting continues]
[vomits]
[scattered cheers and applause]
Oh, that's sweet.
They're in love.
[crowd chanting "Todd!"]
♪♪♪♪♪♪
You don't want to eat me.
You know, I wouldn't
even taste good.
All I eat is water and
millet, like a bird.
What about the gunslinger?
- Ooh.
- Yeah, right.
Like you could
handle this spice?
[man's voice] Ezekiel!
Ezekiel!
Who is that?
It's me, God!
- [gasps]
- God?
That's right, the
big kahuna himself.
I never should have
left you, baby.
But I'm back for good, so,
you should probably
stop eating people now.
I know it's you, Benny.
[chuckles] I wish I was Benny.
That guy's cool.
Hurry up and take
me back, will you?
I'm freezing my balls off
up here in Heaven! Whoa!
It's okay, it's not God.
[groaning]
Why are you doing this, Benny?
To stop you from doing
something you'll regret forever.
You're only hurting yourself
with this good guy act.
Once you realize
God doesn't care
you'll be a lot happier.
And a lot less hungry.
Come on, everyone. Dinner time.
Little help? Oh.
Benny, if this is another
trick... No more tricks.
This good guy stuff
is not much fun,
and the truth is,
I really could
use a bite to eat.
You're in luck.
We happen to have an extra seat
at the table tonight.
We are preparing
a beautiful broth
for tonight's meal.
Mm. Needs more salt.
- Yes, chef.
- And here we have
the main course.
Levi!
Hi, Uncle Benny!
I'm in my secret fort.
You're eating the kid?!
It's the most humane
option, really.
The boy's on death's
door as it is.
Plus he's so young and tender.
Isn't that right,
my little veal chop?
[giggles] My belly's
full of butter.
Right! Shall we get started?
Everyone, we're about to begin.
This will not just be a meal,
it will be a culinary voyage
and, dare I say, my masterpiece.
[splash]
Sorry, Rev. No one's
eating this kid today.
- [others groan]
- Gross!
We don't want to eat you!
You're old and nasty!
I'll bet I taste delicious.
Haven't you heard
of aged prime beef?
Benny, this is pointless.
You are not gonna convince me
that God is coming back. Fine!
Maybe God did abandon
you, I don't know.
But I do know you can
still do the right thing.
No, I can't!
All right, if there is no God,
there is no hope.
We are just alone.
That's not true.
We still have each other!
You taught me how to take
care of other people.
Now it's my turn to
take care of you.
Even if it means I have to
become a human dumpling.
I don't believe you.
You're not gonna
let yourself cook.
Oh, I'm not, am I?
Guess I'd better make
myself comfortable.
♪♪ La di dee, la di da... ♪♪
♪♪ La di dee, la di da... ♪♪
Oh, you'd better
decide quick, Rev.
I'm medium rare at this
point, borderline medium.
Fine! I believe you!
Please, get out.
[pants] Whoo!
[all groan]
All right, Rev,
I knew you'd do the right thing.
- [crunch]
- Ow!
Hey! Levi,
did you just take
a bite out of me?
Ew! He tastes like
an old hamburger!
[laughter] Oh, Levi,
you little scamp!
I'm glad we didn't eat him.
["Hail to the Chief" plays]
Well, if the early numbers
are any indication,
we're looking at the
next governor of Oregon.
[laughter]
[glasses clink]
Prudence?
I'm sure you'd love to celebrate
your darling husband's success.
- Champagne, dear?
- I'm not celebrating this.
You handed Oregon
to the bad guys.
You make me sick.
You know what?
Fine! Be that way.
I don't need your love anymore.
I have the love of
the American people.
Wait! Todd?
I do love you.
You do?
[sighs] I didn't
realize until now, but
watching your
craven rise to power
through no effort or
ability of your own,
well, it's kinda sexy.
Rowr!
Now come in here and
give baby a kiss.
Oh, Prudence.
I knew that if I demanded
you to love me long enough
that you'd eventually
come around.
Now say those three
magic words again.
I...
hate you!
- [whump]
- Aah! Oh!
- Ow!
- Ha!
She's escaping! Get her!
- [gunshot]
- Damn it!
Everybody stop!
Todd is lying to you.
We are not happily married.
The truth is, he is
a total psychopath
who's been keeping me in a cage.
Okay, well, it sounds bad
when you say it like that.
This is an outrage.
I am sickened to my
core by your actions.
Which is why it kills me
that I'm still
gonna vote for you.
- What?
- I know!
I hate it as much as you do.
I wish there was another way!
There is. You could
just not vote for him.
Yeah, but I'm going to anyway.
[laughs] Yes!
Sorry, honey.
Looks like you lose.
But... this makes no
sense. Of course it does.
They're a bunch
of big fat idiots.
Damn it!
I hate this!
♪♪♪♪♪♪
You've convinced us,
Rev. No more cannibalism.
But how will we
survive the storm now?
By taking care of each other.
We will outlast this storm,
no matter how long
it takes. Hey, guys!
The storm is over. Look.
Well, great. Convenient timing.
BENNY: Wow! It's beautiful!
Say, you don't think
this was God, do you?
Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't.
All I know is we are
getting off this mountain
and rescuing Prudence.
All right! Come on.
Oh, hey, hey, hold up, will you?
That kid took a big
chunk out of my ass.
Now this is a desk.
I mean, you could park a
frickin' wagon on this thing.
Prudence, you see
how big this desk is?
Yes, Todd. It's a very big desk.
Hello, Mr. Governor!
Time to hold up your
end of the deal.
Here are some new bills
for you to sign off on.
Okay. This is such a hard "yob."
- It's "job."
- Hard J.
Uch.
Okay, here we go.
And...
"Proposal to Strip the
Oregonians of Their Land."
- Okay.
- [Todd and Trig chuckle]
"Dump toxic sludge
in the river."
Don't care.
- "All the gold goes...
- [man clears throat]
to Trig."
Oh, jeez.
Okay, whatever.
We're done.
So nice doing business with you.
Hey, little birdie.
Here's a bird.
Unladylike.
- All right.
- Okay. I'm exhausted.
I'm gonna go hit the links.
That cool? Don't care.
Oh, Zeke. [Sighs] Where are you?
♪♪♪♪♪♪
[man screaming]
♪♪♪♪♪♪
[screaming continues]
We made it, gang. Oregon.
[cheerful chatter]
She sure is purty, huh, boss?
She sure is.
And she's ours for the taking.
- [men chuckle]
- TODD: Guys? Uh...
Guys, wait up.
I'm having trouble
steering my horse.
- Okay, I...
- Turn left.
No, mine's broken. It's broken.
No, the other left. My left.
Okay, I know he saved us
from certain death and all,
but do we really have
to babysit this idiot?
Okay, great. Now I'm
just going in reverse.
Can I get a new one?
Yeah, let's just go.
TODD: Wow, Prudence!
It's more majestic than I
ever could have imagined.
Maybe if you untied me we could
- enjoy the view together.
- Nice try.
The last time I
did that, you tried
to gouge my eyes
out with a spoon.
Not very wifely of you.
That's because you
betrayed our friends
and left them to
die, you rat bastard!
Hey! Language!
And need I remind you
that I'm the victim here?
If you hadn't betrayed me
and slept with that
snake-in-the-grass reverend,
none of this would've happened.
But, despite your past misdeeds,
I still think we
can make it work.
We'll have a new,
fresh start in Oregon.
Todd, how could you
possibly believe that?
You're literally holding me
prisoner against my will.
Ah, it's a funny story
we'll tell the kids one day.
- [horse snorts]
- Now stop complaining.
You're upsetting the horse.
Crops are coming in nicely.
We should have plenty this year.
Greetings, travelers!
Welcome to Oregon! [Chuckles]
- I'm Governor Lane.
- Happy to be here.
Please, help yourself to
as much land as you want.
There's lumber and cattle
and basically anything you need.
Also, if you're
running low on cash,
there's plenty of
gold in the river.
Gold?
- In the river?
- Yes.
It's quite a nuisance, actually.
I'm always stubbing
my dang toe on gold!
Oh, my God, I hate when
that happens to me!
Oh, and my apologies.
We don't have much by the way
of law and order out here.
Mostly go by the honor system.
I hope that's all
right. [laughs]
Oh, that's more than all right.
Gang, let's get to work.
- Gang, you say?
- [horse whinnies]
Oh, my! Many horses.
[theme music playing]
[wind whistling]
Well, I guess we didn't make
it to Oregon before winter.
Looks like we're stuck here
until the storm passes.
I just feel bad for the
Rev out there on his own.
I don't feel bad
for that sinner.
He can freeze
his wicked willie
off for all I care.
MARTHA: We can't
go on like this.
We ate the provisions,
we ate the oxen.
We're all gonna starve to death!
Okay, Martha, you're
being a tad dramatic,
don't you think?
No one's gonna die.
[gasping]
He's dead.
Okay, you gotta admit,
the timing on that
one was pretty funny.
Poor William. So young, strong.
And juicy.
Seems like a waste to bury him.
All that meat and yummy blood.
Okay, are you talking about what
I think you're talking about?
We're talking about eating him.
Yeah, that's what I thought
you were talking about.
Guys, we're not eating people!
Clearly I'm no moral authority,
but if the Rev were here,
he would say something cheesy
yet ultimately uplifting
about doing the right thing!
The Rev ain't here, is he?
And I'm getting hungry.
Oh, so that's it.
Now we're all just cool
with being cannibals?
- Yep.
- Sure, yeah.
- I'm good with it.
- Amen.
I'll get the fire started!
Wow. All right, then.
I'm gonna go see what
the Rev is up to.
[chuckles]
Hey, boss. What's got you down?
Oh, nothing.
It's just, Oregon isn't
what I was expecting.
Are you kidding? This
place is a paradise!
Hell, I'm richer
than a Rockefeller.
See, that's the problem.
It's impossible to be bad here
when everything is
so damn... good.
I don't follow.
Look.
Hey, you.
[bored] Give me all your money.
Oh, my pleasure.
[chuckles] You're
actually doing me a favor.
My jacket was getting heavy.
Do you need an extra
watch? I got plenty.
- No, thank you! Bye.
- All right, you're welcome.
See? How am I supposed to
be the most feared outlaw
in the entire country if
there's plenty to go around?
- [bell ringing]
- Re-elect Governor Lane!
For four more years of health,
wealth, and prosperity!
- [laughs]
- That's it.
If I became governor,
then I could make Oregon
just as shitty as
the rest of America.
Boss... you can't
run for governor!
- You're a...
- Woman.
And Black.
And a convicted serial
killer. Yeah, that's a lot.
If only we knew a
dumb, rich white guy
who could run for me...
Wait a minute!
We do know a dumb,
rich white guy!
Hey, sugar plum.
Your devoted hubby made
you breakfast in bed!
Well... breakfast in cage.
Let me out of here, you psycho.
You really think this is
gonna make me love you?
What, you don't like this cage?
No, I don't like you!
Well, you like the swing.
[sighs] Yes, I like the swing.
- [door opening]
- Hey, Todd.
Oh, hey, nice cage.
Piss off.
Trig, why are you here?
Just wanted to see how
you were settling in.
Hmm. Pictured a
man of your station
living somewhere nicer.
Hmph!
Somewhere like... the
governor's mansion?
I'm listening.
I want to help you become
the next governor of Oregon.
And in return, I may ask you
to pass a bill or
two turning Oregon
into a living hell on
Earth. [Prudence scoffs]
Yeah, right! Like anyone
would willingly jeopardize
an entire state just
to stoke their ego.
You're absolutely right.
Now about this
governor's mansion.
Does it come with a big desk?
- The biggest.
- Okay, I'm in.
All right. What?
Hey, Rev!
You alive in there?
Benny? [Gasps] Benny!
Great to see you!
Come in, come in!
Welcome to Chez Zeke. Ha ha.
Take a seat.
Uh, nice place you got.
Oh, thank you. What
a nice thing to say.
Yes, it was a bit
lonely at first,
being banished to a
frozen wilderness,
it's given me loads of time
to explore my other interests.
For instance, I learned
how to bake sourdough!
Want some?
It's mostly twigs and dirt,
but you can hardly
tell the difference.
Yeah, maybe later.
Look, there's some bad stuff
going down at the cabin.
I need you to come back with me
and talk some sense
into everyone!
You know, do your
preacher thing.
No, I can't do that. Why not?
Because everything I
preached was a lie!
I devoted my entire life
to God, and what for?
Prudence is in mortal
danger and we are trapped,
dying, on a mountainside.
Ah, you're just in a bad mood.
Probably due to
late-stage hypothermia.
Come on, I need you
to come with me!
Oh! And uh, you
might want to shave.
You look like Davy Crockett
if he was a huge pervert.
[chamber music plays]
Guys! Oh.
Look who I found.
Ezekiel. I'm disappointed to see
you haven't frozen to death.
Hi, Phaedra. It's
nice to see you, too.
All right, go on, Rev.
Tell them what they're
doing is wrong.
We know it doesn't look great.
I'm not gonna tell
you that. You're not?
God doesn't care what you do.
Nothing matters.
In fact, may I?
Bon appétit.
[loud crunching] Whoa!
Leave some for the rest of us.
Huh. Did not see
that one coming.
♪♪♪♪♪♪
Man.
Rev, this shoulder's delicious.
What'd you put in it?
- Blood.
- Blood? Hmm.
- Oh, now I taste it.
- Mm-hmm.
Can someone please
pass the butt?
Benny, did you want some light
or dark meat, or penis?
I'll pass, thanks.
Rev, you gotta put
a stop to this.
The Bible must say something
about not eating people.
I mean, sure, God
says it's a sin, but,
God and I are not
speaking at the moment.
He abandoned me.
Ezekiel, I'm so sorry.
Really, who does
that to a person?
I'm sure he's just
busy with work!
You know, probably
creating a new planet
or designing a new
kind of giraffe.
It doesn't work like
that. And in the meantime,
nothing's gonna stop
me from enjoying
another serving of William.
No! Where did William go?
Looks like we ate him all up.
But I'm still hungry.
[scoffs] William is
just like Chinese food.
You know? I get so full,
and then five minutes later
I'm like, "I could do seconds."
Well, too bad there aren't
any more bodies to eat.
Not yet, at least.
♪♪♪♪♪♪
Don't you look at me, boy.
Oh, I'm... I'm... I'm not.
[whispers] Let's eat him next.
CROWD, CHANTING: Todd!
Todd! Todd! Todd!
Make Oregon bad!
Make Oregon bad!
TODD: Yes!
The old governor wanted
peace and prosperity
for everyone... and
[blows raspberry]
I say we do the exact opposite,
because...
America!
[all cheering]
[cheering continues]
- [crowd chanting]
- He is killing it out there!
I can't believe people
are falling for this.
Todd doesn't know the
first thing about politics.
He's just loud and obnoxious.
I know. He's a genius.
I mean, an idiot, but a genius.
If they found out he was
keeping his wife in a cage,
they would never vote for him.
And they never will
find out, will they?
I want you to meet someone
very special to me,
my adoring wife,
Prudence. What do you say?
[cheering]
- You want to meet Prudence?
- ALL: Yeah!
Let's get her out here!
- That's a bad idea.
- No, this is a good idea.
No, I say it's a bad idea.
No, Trig, I swear to
God, get her out here.
You know, actually, I'd love to.
[crowd chanting "Todd's wife!"]
Todd's wife, Prudence!
Todd's wife, Prudence!
There she is, my
loving wife, everyone.
That's it, keep waving.
Oh, this is good. This is nice.
Hey, Prudence, why
don't you tell the crowd
what you love most about me?
Uh, I'd have to think.
Tell them he's a
great family man.
- Do it.
- Uh...
He's a great family man.
- [cheering]
- Family!
My grandmother in
particular loves him, yeah.
Her name is Ima. Ima Hostage.
You never told me
about Ima before.
She sounds lovely.
So was her husband.
Yeah, his name was,
This Is An Emergency.
Call The Police, Someone,
Anyone, Please.
Okay, that's enough. Let's go.
Oh, whoa, whoa, wait.
Wait, wait, wait.
I think the people
would love to see
the new governor
and his wife kiss.
No, no, there's no way.
I'm not doing that.
Kiss him or you die. [Cocks gun]
[crowd chanting "Kiss!"]
[chanting continues]
[vomits]
[scattered cheers and applause]
Oh, that's sweet.
They're in love.
[crowd chanting "Todd!"]
♪♪♪♪♪♪
You don't want to eat me.
You know, I wouldn't
even taste good.
All I eat is water and
millet, like a bird.
What about the gunslinger?
- Ooh.
- Yeah, right.
Like you could
handle this spice?
[man's voice] Ezekiel!
Ezekiel!
Who is that?
It's me, God!
- [gasps]
- God?
That's right, the
big kahuna himself.
I never should have
left you, baby.
But I'm back for good, so,
you should probably
stop eating people now.
I know it's you, Benny.
[chuckles] I wish I was Benny.
That guy's cool.
Hurry up and take
me back, will you?
I'm freezing my balls off
up here in Heaven! Whoa!
It's okay, it's not God.
[groaning]
Why are you doing this, Benny?
To stop you from doing
something you'll regret forever.
You're only hurting yourself
with this good guy act.
Once you realize
God doesn't care
you'll be a lot happier.
And a lot less hungry.
Come on, everyone. Dinner time.
Little help? Oh.
Benny, if this is another
trick... No more tricks.
This good guy stuff
is not much fun,
and the truth is,
I really could
use a bite to eat.
You're in luck.
We happen to have an extra seat
at the table tonight.
We are preparing
a beautiful broth
for tonight's meal.
Mm. Needs more salt.
- Yes, chef.
- And here we have
the main course.
Levi!
Hi, Uncle Benny!
I'm in my secret fort.
You're eating the kid?!
It's the most humane
option, really.
The boy's on death's
door as it is.
Plus he's so young and tender.
Isn't that right,
my little veal chop?
[giggles] My belly's
full of butter.
Right! Shall we get started?
Everyone, we're about to begin.
This will not just be a meal,
it will be a culinary voyage
and, dare I say, my masterpiece.
[splash]
Sorry, Rev. No one's
eating this kid today.
- [others groan]
- Gross!
We don't want to eat you!
You're old and nasty!
I'll bet I taste delicious.
Haven't you heard
of aged prime beef?
Benny, this is pointless.
You are not gonna convince me
that God is coming back. Fine!
Maybe God did abandon
you, I don't know.
But I do know you can
still do the right thing.
No, I can't!
All right, if there is no God,
there is no hope.
We are just alone.
That's not true.
We still have each other!
You taught me how to take
care of other people.
Now it's my turn to
take care of you.
Even if it means I have to
become a human dumpling.
I don't believe you.
You're not gonna
let yourself cook.
Oh, I'm not, am I?
Guess I'd better make
myself comfortable.
♪♪ La di dee, la di da... ♪♪
♪♪ La di dee, la di da... ♪♪
Oh, you'd better
decide quick, Rev.
I'm medium rare at this
point, borderline medium.
Fine! I believe you!
Please, get out.
[pants] Whoo!
[all groan]
All right, Rev,
I knew you'd do the right thing.
- [crunch]
- Ow!
Hey! Levi,
did you just take
a bite out of me?
Ew! He tastes like
an old hamburger!
[laughter] Oh, Levi,
you little scamp!
I'm glad we didn't eat him.
["Hail to the Chief" plays]
Well, if the early numbers
are any indication,
we're looking at the
next governor of Oregon.
[laughter]
[glasses clink]
Prudence?
I'm sure you'd love to celebrate
your darling husband's success.
- Champagne, dear?
- I'm not celebrating this.
You handed Oregon
to the bad guys.
You make me sick.
You know what?
Fine! Be that way.
I don't need your love anymore.
I have the love of
the American people.
Wait! Todd?
I do love you.
You do?
[sighs] I didn't
realize until now, but
watching your
craven rise to power
through no effort or
ability of your own,
well, it's kinda sexy.
Rowr!
Now come in here and
give baby a kiss.
Oh, Prudence.
I knew that if I demanded
you to love me long enough
that you'd eventually
come around.
Now say those three
magic words again.
I...
hate you!
- [whump]
- Aah! Oh!
- Ow!
- Ha!
She's escaping! Get her!
- [gunshot]
- Damn it!
Everybody stop!
Todd is lying to you.
We are not happily married.
The truth is, he is
a total psychopath
who's been keeping me in a cage.
Okay, well, it sounds bad
when you say it like that.
This is an outrage.
I am sickened to my
core by your actions.
Which is why it kills me
that I'm still
gonna vote for you.
- What?
- I know!
I hate it as much as you do.
I wish there was another way!
There is. You could
just not vote for him.
Yeah, but I'm going to anyway.
[laughs] Yes!
Sorry, honey.
Looks like you lose.
But... this makes no
sense. Of course it does.
They're a bunch
of big fat idiots.
Damn it!
I hate this!
♪♪♪♪♪♪
You've convinced us,
Rev. No more cannibalism.
But how will we
survive the storm now?
By taking care of each other.
We will outlast this storm,
no matter how long
it takes. Hey, guys!
The storm is over. Look.
Well, great. Convenient timing.
BENNY: Wow! It's beautiful!
Say, you don't think
this was God, do you?
Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't.
All I know is we are
getting off this mountain
and rescuing Prudence.
All right! Come on.
Oh, hey, hey, hold up, will you?
That kid took a big
chunk out of my ass.
Now this is a desk.
I mean, you could park a
frickin' wagon on this thing.
Prudence, you see
how big this desk is?
Yes, Todd. It's a very big desk.
Hello, Mr. Governor!
Time to hold up your
end of the deal.
Here are some new bills
for you to sign off on.
Okay. This is such a hard "yob."
- It's "job."
- Hard J.
Uch.
Okay, here we go.
And...
"Proposal to Strip the
Oregonians of Their Land."
- Okay.
- [Todd and Trig chuckle]
"Dump toxic sludge
in the river."
Don't care.
- "All the gold goes...
- [man clears throat]
to Trig."
Oh, jeez.
Okay, whatever.
We're done.
So nice doing business with you.
Hey, little birdie.
Here's a bird.
Unladylike.
- All right.
- Okay. I'm exhausted.
I'm gonna go hit the links.
That cool? Don't care.
Oh, Zeke. [Sighs] Where are you?
♪♪♪♪♪♪
[man screaming]
♪♪♪♪♪♪
[screaming continues]