Miracle Workers (2019–…): Season 3, Episode 8 - Oregon Trail: Over the Mountain - full transcript
The wagon train attempts to cross the Blue Mountains.
Argh...
Well, I guess this is
the part of the trip
where we start drinking
our own pee.
Well, what do you say?
You do me, and I do you?
We can't go on like this.
We need...
water!
Water! We're saved!
What?
No. No, no, no, no!
Benny! This water is dry!
What happened?
Ah, don't worry.
It just means that the heat's
starting to melt your brain.
Guys! You made it!
Dingus? I thought you were
chasing after Trig.
I was, yeah,
but then she shot my horse
and left me stranded
in the desert.
Man, I thought I was a goner,
until I stumbled across
this swingin' pool party!
Hold on.
Let me get out of the pool.
Okay, he's gonna die.
I want to introduce you guys
to my new friends.
Gentlemen, this is
the brilliant
Professor Von Ziegler.
I almost had you in
that last chess match.
And this is
the one and only
Mr. Marvellous!
Oh, that rabbit!
Did you see that rabbit?
He was in there
the whole time!
- Wow.
- And last,
the alluring countess.
Enchanté.
Okay, well, it was great
to meet all you folks
but we really
should get going.
Oh, no, no, no!
They're just about to start
the limbo contest, so...
You grab his legs,
I'll go for his arms.
How low... can they go...
Okay.
What are you guys doing?
You're embarrassing me
in front of my new friends!
Countess! Write to me!
I love you!
All right,
let's get these wagons
roped up nice and tight!
These mountains here
are the last things standing
between us and Oregon.
Oh, Dingus.
You feeling any better?
Yeah, a little better.
So it's, uh, looking like
I'll be riding with you guys
for a little while
while I recuperate.
You know, I just wanted
to clear the air
in case there's
any weirdness between us.
Why would there be
weirdness? You know,
because I dumped you to start
bounty hunting Trig?
Ah, water under the bridge,
my friend.
My time spent
with the Native Americans
gave me a completely different
outlook on life.
I've learned to shed
my foolish ego.
Now I take pleasure
in the simple things,
like the rush of the wind,
or the beauty of a single leaf
on a tree.
Wow, you got all of that
from one day.
What's a day?
Oh, you mean a "moon."
Sorry, I think of time
in terms of "moons" now.
And I think of distance
in terms of "canoes."
But more on that later.
What's all this about?
Getting ready to go
over the mountain. Remember?
We each agreed to do
an equal amount of the work?
Cool. Didn't ask for
your whole life story.
I'm looking for the Reverend.
Have you seen him?
Oh! He and Prudence
are having one of
their special bible study
sessions in your wagon.
Ah, my Ezekiel.
He's such a good man.
Unlike you filthy sinners!
Bible studies, huh?
♪♪ Go tell it on the mountain ♪♪
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Matthew, Mark, Luke and John!
That was amazing.
God, I've been married
to Todd for so long,
I forgot sex is
supposed to feel good.
These have been the happiest
days of my life.
It's so strange,
I know the Bible says
what we're doing is a sin,
but everything about it
feels so right.
Maybe it is right.
I mean, we're both trapped
in bad relationships.
Once we get to Oregon,
we'll come clean
to our partners
and start
our new life together.
That sounds perfect.
I just can't shake
the feeling
we're gonna
be punished somehow.
Prudence!
Ezekiel!
Todd!
Uh, it's not
what it looks like.
I should have known
all along...
what an amazing man you are!
Excuse me?
You're the reason
we're getting to Oregon.
And I know I have been
a harsh critic at times.
I was wrong, okay?
I apologise.
Don't mention it.
Everyone makes mistakes.
And, on a personal note,
I just want to thank you
for all the special attention
that you've been paying
to my wife lately.
I know you've been
putting in the long hours
with the bible study
lessons.
I mean, I can hear her
screaming "Oh, God, oh, God."
So I know that it's working.
Can't really figure out
why the two of you
are butt naked right now,
but...
I'm sure
that's part of it, too.
Yeah, yeah, it is,
mm-hmm.
Well, I'll let you guys
get back to it.
Hey...
give it to her good, Rev.
The bible study lessons,
I mean.
That went surprisingly
well.
Should we get back
to our lessons?
♪♪ Go tell it on the mountain ♪♪
So, Phaedra, girl,
fill me in!
You know, what's the hot goss
around the wagon train?
Ooh, let me think.
Juliette made one
of Martha's pie recipes,
and didn't give Martha
any credit. What?
That's not hot goss.
I mean, that's not
even warm goss.
That's like days-old,
left-out-on-the-counter goss.
Is this hot enough for you?
Round 'em up.
Trig. We meet again.
Please don't kill me, okay?
You won, fair and square!
Just let me live
and I'll never chase you
again, I promise!
Come on, man,
have some dignity.
I'm not here for you.
I'm here for him.
Hey! Aah!
Zeke.
Zeke!
Look, I'm sorry, it's
my first time trying this.
My heart's
in the right place.
No, that was good.
I don't understand.
I thought you beat me already.
I thought I did, too,
until I started reading
the headlines.
"Freight Train Robbed by
Daughter of Benny the Teen."
"Trig's Reign of Terror...
Following in Daddy's
Big Footsteps."
Do you know
how frustrating it is
to be the number one bandit
and still
be compared to you?
In all fairness, you're
a fantastic bandit, Trig,
but Benny's the greatest
of all time.
How can you say that?
I mean, look at the stats.
I'm beating him
in lifetime murders,
bank robberies,
and riverboat heists.
But you're looking at it
through an 1844 lens.
The game is way different
than it used to be.
The guns are heavier,
they didn't
have zone shooting,
not to mention
all the advancements
in bandit nutrition.
Yeah, but Trig is still
a rising star.
I mean, she hasn't even
hit her peak yet.
- Thank you.
- Now that's a fair point.
What we gotta do is graph
Trig's expected trajectory
with Benny's prime,
- which was...
- 1823.
Hey, you know what?
Shut up, all of you!
We don't have to speculate about
who the best of all time is,
because I'm gonna prove it
right now.
Drop your guns,
or I'll pump you full of lead.
By the way, that whole
begging for my life thing
I was doing earlier
was obviously just a ruse.
So when we get to Oregon,
can you not tell
the other bounty hunters,
please?
Hey, pumpkin.
I bet you're happy
to see this, huh?
Benny the Teen, back on top.
No, you've got it all wrong.
I'm not the same man
I used to be.
I have found internal peace
and happiness
and I want to share
those gifts with you.
I'm wanted dead or alive,
right? Can I choose dead?
It is amazing
you happened to be
in the exact right place and
time to get the drop on Trig,
and doing it in your underwear
so she wouldn't hear
your clothes rustle!
Smart!
- Yeah, that's why we did that.
- Loud clothes, correct.
Heroes.
- Well, that was pretty lucky.
- That was more than lucky.
Not only are we not being
punished for our affair,
but it actually
just helped everyone!
Maybe what we're doing
isn't a sin after all.
Maybe... maybe God just
wants us to be happy.
Did you see that?
A bolt of lightning
just killed Claire.
That's strange...
A single bolt of lightning
on a perfectly clear day
directly striking
our lead ox?
Oh, well.
Sure it's nothing.
Should we
head up the mountain?
Oh, God.
Heave!
Heave!
Aww!
Damn it! That's
the third broken wheel today.
Ever since we started coming up
this damn mountain,
everything's gone wrong.
It's like we're cursed!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
"Cursed" is a strong word, John.
"Inconvenienced," perhaps.
Well, how would you explain it?
People keep getting injured.
There's a mysterious plague
sweeping through the camp,
and Granny McGill keeps
spontaneously combusting.
Did somebody say my name?
Eeek! Ooh!
Oh, not again! I mean,
that... that's pretty normal.
I've seen that before.
What is happening here?
We are being led
by a righteous man.
Our trip should be
protected by God.
I mean, nothing's changed,
right?
You're still a completely
faultless man
with nary a blemish of sin
on your perfect soul?
Oh, yeah, sure am.
Totally.
Squeaky clean Zekey
over here.
Um, excuse me a moment.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, hey, Zeke.
Crazy day, huh?
Levi's having a bit
of a temper tantrum.
Salute Satanum!
Now Levi, what did we say
about praising Satan
in ancient Latin?
Shove it up your ass, bitch.
He's such a scamp.
Are you not
the tiniest bit concerned
that the sudden downturn
things have taken
might be our doing?
What do you mean? I
feel like God is punishing us
for the affair.
Come on, not this again.
I thought you said
you were over it.
I thought I was,
but look around you.
Things are not
going great right now.
Everything's fine.
You're just stuck
in your own head.
So, the wagon's free
at lunch.
What do you say I help you
get out of your head, huh?
I should probably deal
with this, but come by later.
Shove it
up your ass, bitch.
You already said that one.
Oops. Sorry about that.
My name is Gorgeous Pete,
and I'm a bandit.
Hi, Gorgeous Pete.
This is a painting
I made of myself.
It's a scary outlaw.
But that's not the real me
on the inside.
I want to be a dancer.
You don't have to be
that guy anymore. Let it go.
All right,
who wants to go next?
Uh, Trig?
Sure. Um...
This is a painting of me.
As you can see, I'm
giving you the middle finger.
Okay.
We have a hard case here,
don't we?
I get it. I used
to be just like you.
Every weekend
I was out robbing banks,
sticking up stagecoaches,
but I felt empty
on the inside.
That is,
until I did the work
and I became
the fully enlightened person
that you see now.
Oh, my God, I'm in hell.
This is hell.
No, Trig.
Why can't you achieve
the same level of growth as me?
Because it's bullshit.
One spiritual weekend retreat
does not change a lifetime
of being a selfish asshole.
Except in my case,
that's exactly what happened.
Because I did the work.
Stop saying
you did the work!
What work?
What does that even mean?
It's the work.
It's what I did.
- Yeah, he did the work.
- Shut up, Kevin!
Okay, all right, look,
why don't we move on
to our Kundalini exercises?
I think we need to release
the negative energy
from our buttholes.
All right, everybody up.
Come on.
On your feet,
and bend over.
Yeah.
Loosen those hips.
Let it out.
Hey, Zeke.
Sorry I'm late.
There was a freak outbreak
of frogs.
Honestly, it was
just more random than bad.
Whoa.
♪♪ A-a-amen ♪♪
- Oh, hey.
- Hey. You decorated.
I thought our S-E-X
could use a little G-O-D?
That way, we can continue
our affair
and appease our vengeful
lord and saviour.
Uh, I mean,
it's a little distracting
but if it's what you need...
First, we set the mood
with a naughty little
sprinkle of holy water.
Wow, you're really
using a lot.
Yeah. Make sure to get some
on your face.
Uh... very nice.
And can I interest my lady
in a taste of bitter ashes?
Maybe we can just skip
to the part
where we make out?
Of course.
And I have the perfect thing
for that.
What?
What is that?
Just a little contraption
I built.
The hammer will continuously
strike me in the testicles
as we kiss,
thereby removing all pleasure
from the sexual experience.
- Shall we take it for a spin?
- Uh, are you sure?
I don't think that's...
Oh, wow! That did damage!
Oh, one blow
is utterly devastating!
I can't imagine doing that
even once more,
let alone for
an entire make-out session.
Um, I'm sorry.
Can we stop?
This isn't working for me.
How's it supposed
to make me feel
that you have to punish
yourself to be with me?
It's just... it's the only thing
I've thought of
to atone for our sins.
But I need you
to be in it, too,
and not think that
our relationship is a sin.
I'm sorry. No, no, no, no.
Of course, of course
I want to be with you.
I... you're right.
I am being ridiculous
and if you will
still have me,
I'd like to make out with you
super hard right now.
There we go.
Oh, that's not good.
- Rockslide!
- We're all gonna die!
Jesus, Martha,
we're right here!
You don't have to yell!
Take cover!
Oh, shit!
- Hurry up with that lock!
- I'm trying!
- Aah!
- Ow! Ah!
- Oh...
- It's okay, Benny.
You taught us all
how to abandon
our selfish ways.
We'll all stick together
till the bitter end.
Yeah, about that...
it's every man for himself.
Good luck!
See ya, suckers!
Ooh! Ee! Ow!
Ah, ah!
- What's he doing?
- Being the same ol' Benny.
It's gonna collapse!
Well, at least
we're together.
Dear Lord,
I repent my wicked ways.
I committed the sin
of adultery with Prudence.
- The hell?
- I was too weak
to resist the temptation
of the harlot's flesh!
She bewitched me with
her devilish charms,
and ankles
that just won't quit!
It was wicked and wrong,
and I promise I will never
disobey you again, oh, Lord!
Yes! Yes! It worked!
Thank you!
Thank you, oh, Lord,
for your infinite mercy!
Pru, you see that?
We're saved.
Well, I guess I know
how you really feel now.
Oh, Pru, wait.
Oh, hey, guys.
So, that happened.
Now this is hot goss!
So, things got
a little crazy there.
Some personal stuff
came to light
that I'm obviously
not particularly proud of.
But the main thing is
we are back on track
to make it to Oregon.
- So...
- Enough!
Why should we listen
to you anymore?
You seduced me away
from my fellow Noonans
only to make the beast
with two backs with that wench.
You are not a righteous man,
Ezekiel Brown.
You are evil.
No one messes
with my girl Phaedra
and gets away with it.
Team Phae-Phae for life,
bitch!
And... and... this...
This is how all of you feel?
None of you
are Team Zeke-Zeke?
I have an idea!
I can get my shunning kit!
Oh, uh, thank you, God.
This... this does help.
Hmph!
My God,
how dare you betray me?
You've made a proper
cuckhold of me. Oh, God.
I can feel my cuck's horns
growing in already.
I'm sorry, Todd.
Clearly, I made
a mistake with Zeke.
How did you even
find the time
to have an affair between
all the bible study sessions?
- Uh...
- Doesn't matter.
Just stay in the wagon.
Try not to bone
too many dudes
while I'm out.
God, that no good,
stinking reverend!
I never should've
trusted him. Gosh!
Hey there, Todd.
Rough day, huh?
I shouldn't be
talking to you.
Well, I just think it's
messed up what he did to you,
stealing your girl
like that.
You know, everyone's
laughing at you.
- They are?
- Yep.
And it's all
because of him.
Yeah! Though, if I'm
being honest with myself,
I wonder if I had a small part
to play in this.
I don't think I was always
a good husband...
No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.
You had it right
the first time.
You're perfect, he sucks.
Yeah!
That British little shit!
God, I wish there was a way
I could get back at him.
Maybe there is,
but first, you have to do
something for me.
Put your backs into it!
Oof, why did they make
these wagons so heavy?
- Hey, I'm gonna take five.
- What?
Howdy, Rev.
Oh, you're not supposed
to talk to me, remember?
- I am shunned.
- Eh.
How you holding up, anyway?
Yeah, not great.
The beggar's cloth
scratches my skin
with every step that I take
And the stone of shame
feels like it's about
to snap my neck.
And I lost the love of my life
forever, so...
But, if it gets us
back on God's good side,
all worth it, right?
Todd? What are you doing?
This is what happens when you
disrespect Todd Aberdeen!
No, no, no, no.
What the hell
are you thinking?
How we gonna get off
this mountain now?
You're not getting down.
I am!
Help!
- Prudence!
- Zeke!
Help!
Ah, ah, ah!
Not so fast, loverboy.
And sorry I can't stick around
and listen to more
of your bullshit, Benny.
I gotta get back to being
the best bandit of all time.
Trig, wait!
You're right.
I haven't changed.
I'm still the same
selfish jerk I've always been
but I... I'm trying.
And I meant it when I said
I care about you
and I want you to be happy.
I don't believe
a damn word you say.
The only thing
that would make me happy
is you freezing to death
on top of this mountain.
Let's ride.
You were saying something
about God protecting us?
"Congratulations on
your new Testicle Kicker 900,
"the very latest
in self-punishment
from your friends
at the Ouch Corporation."
Uh... aha!
"Connect
the testicle-crushing hammer
to slot C."
Where is slot C?
Seems like a really key piece
of information.
Ow.
I know we're being cursed,
but do you have
to make the print so tiny?
That seems unnecessarily
cruel.
Get in there, get in there,
get in there, aah!
Yes! Ha ha!
Oh! Yaa!
Aah, yes!
Right in the junk.
Prudence is gonna love this.
Well, I guess this is
the part of the trip
where we start drinking
our own pee.
Well, what do you say?
You do me, and I do you?
We can't go on like this.
We need...
water!
Water! We're saved!
What?
No. No, no, no, no!
Benny! This water is dry!
What happened?
Ah, don't worry.
It just means that the heat's
starting to melt your brain.
Guys! You made it!
Dingus? I thought you were
chasing after Trig.
I was, yeah,
but then she shot my horse
and left me stranded
in the desert.
Man, I thought I was a goner,
until I stumbled across
this swingin' pool party!
Hold on.
Let me get out of the pool.
Okay, he's gonna die.
I want to introduce you guys
to my new friends.
Gentlemen, this is
the brilliant
Professor Von Ziegler.
I almost had you in
that last chess match.
And this is
the one and only
Mr. Marvellous!
Oh, that rabbit!
Did you see that rabbit?
He was in there
the whole time!
- Wow.
- And last,
the alluring countess.
Enchanté.
Okay, well, it was great
to meet all you folks
but we really
should get going.
Oh, no, no, no!
They're just about to start
the limbo contest, so...
You grab his legs,
I'll go for his arms.
How low... can they go...
Okay.
What are you guys doing?
You're embarrassing me
in front of my new friends!
Countess! Write to me!
I love you!
All right,
let's get these wagons
roped up nice and tight!
These mountains here
are the last things standing
between us and Oregon.
Oh, Dingus.
You feeling any better?
Yeah, a little better.
So it's, uh, looking like
I'll be riding with you guys
for a little while
while I recuperate.
You know, I just wanted
to clear the air
in case there's
any weirdness between us.
Why would there be
weirdness? You know,
because I dumped you to start
bounty hunting Trig?
Ah, water under the bridge,
my friend.
My time spent
with the Native Americans
gave me a completely different
outlook on life.
I've learned to shed
my foolish ego.
Now I take pleasure
in the simple things,
like the rush of the wind,
or the beauty of a single leaf
on a tree.
Wow, you got all of that
from one day.
What's a day?
Oh, you mean a "moon."
Sorry, I think of time
in terms of "moons" now.
And I think of distance
in terms of "canoes."
But more on that later.
What's all this about?
Getting ready to go
over the mountain. Remember?
We each agreed to do
an equal amount of the work?
Cool. Didn't ask for
your whole life story.
I'm looking for the Reverend.
Have you seen him?
Oh! He and Prudence
are having one of
their special bible study
sessions in your wagon.
Ah, my Ezekiel.
He's such a good man.
Unlike you filthy sinners!
Bible studies, huh?
♪♪ Go tell it on the mountain ♪♪
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Matthew, Mark, Luke and John!
That was amazing.
God, I've been married
to Todd for so long,
I forgot sex is
supposed to feel good.
These have been the happiest
days of my life.
It's so strange,
I know the Bible says
what we're doing is a sin,
but everything about it
feels so right.
Maybe it is right.
I mean, we're both trapped
in bad relationships.
Once we get to Oregon,
we'll come clean
to our partners
and start
our new life together.
That sounds perfect.
I just can't shake
the feeling
we're gonna
be punished somehow.
Prudence!
Ezekiel!
Todd!
Uh, it's not
what it looks like.
I should have known
all along...
what an amazing man you are!
Excuse me?
You're the reason
we're getting to Oregon.
And I know I have been
a harsh critic at times.
I was wrong, okay?
I apologise.
Don't mention it.
Everyone makes mistakes.
And, on a personal note,
I just want to thank you
for all the special attention
that you've been paying
to my wife lately.
I know you've been
putting in the long hours
with the bible study
lessons.
I mean, I can hear her
screaming "Oh, God, oh, God."
So I know that it's working.
Can't really figure out
why the two of you
are butt naked right now,
but...
I'm sure
that's part of it, too.
Yeah, yeah, it is,
mm-hmm.
Well, I'll let you guys
get back to it.
Hey...
give it to her good, Rev.
The bible study lessons,
I mean.
That went surprisingly
well.
Should we get back
to our lessons?
♪♪ Go tell it on the mountain ♪♪
So, Phaedra, girl,
fill me in!
You know, what's the hot goss
around the wagon train?
Ooh, let me think.
Juliette made one
of Martha's pie recipes,
and didn't give Martha
any credit. What?
That's not hot goss.
I mean, that's not
even warm goss.
That's like days-old,
left-out-on-the-counter goss.
Is this hot enough for you?
Round 'em up.
Trig. We meet again.
Please don't kill me, okay?
You won, fair and square!
Just let me live
and I'll never chase you
again, I promise!
Come on, man,
have some dignity.
I'm not here for you.
I'm here for him.
Hey! Aah!
Zeke.
Zeke!
Look, I'm sorry, it's
my first time trying this.
My heart's
in the right place.
No, that was good.
I don't understand.
I thought you beat me already.
I thought I did, too,
until I started reading
the headlines.
"Freight Train Robbed by
Daughter of Benny the Teen."
"Trig's Reign of Terror...
Following in Daddy's
Big Footsteps."
Do you know
how frustrating it is
to be the number one bandit
and still
be compared to you?
In all fairness, you're
a fantastic bandit, Trig,
but Benny's the greatest
of all time.
How can you say that?
I mean, look at the stats.
I'm beating him
in lifetime murders,
bank robberies,
and riverboat heists.
But you're looking at it
through an 1844 lens.
The game is way different
than it used to be.
The guns are heavier,
they didn't
have zone shooting,
not to mention
all the advancements
in bandit nutrition.
Yeah, but Trig is still
a rising star.
I mean, she hasn't even
hit her peak yet.
- Thank you.
- Now that's a fair point.
What we gotta do is graph
Trig's expected trajectory
with Benny's prime,
- which was...
- 1823.
Hey, you know what?
Shut up, all of you!
We don't have to speculate about
who the best of all time is,
because I'm gonna prove it
right now.
Drop your guns,
or I'll pump you full of lead.
By the way, that whole
begging for my life thing
I was doing earlier
was obviously just a ruse.
So when we get to Oregon,
can you not tell
the other bounty hunters,
please?
Hey, pumpkin.
I bet you're happy
to see this, huh?
Benny the Teen, back on top.
No, you've got it all wrong.
I'm not the same man
I used to be.
I have found internal peace
and happiness
and I want to share
those gifts with you.
I'm wanted dead or alive,
right? Can I choose dead?
It is amazing
you happened to be
in the exact right place and
time to get the drop on Trig,
and doing it in your underwear
so she wouldn't hear
your clothes rustle!
Smart!
- Yeah, that's why we did that.
- Loud clothes, correct.
Heroes.
- Well, that was pretty lucky.
- That was more than lucky.
Not only are we not being
punished for our affair,
but it actually
just helped everyone!
Maybe what we're doing
isn't a sin after all.
Maybe... maybe God just
wants us to be happy.
Did you see that?
A bolt of lightning
just killed Claire.
That's strange...
A single bolt of lightning
on a perfectly clear day
directly striking
our lead ox?
Oh, well.
Sure it's nothing.
Should we
head up the mountain?
Oh, God.
Heave!
Heave!
Aww!
Damn it! That's
the third broken wheel today.
Ever since we started coming up
this damn mountain,
everything's gone wrong.
It's like we're cursed!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
"Cursed" is a strong word, John.
"Inconvenienced," perhaps.
Well, how would you explain it?
People keep getting injured.
There's a mysterious plague
sweeping through the camp,
and Granny McGill keeps
spontaneously combusting.
Did somebody say my name?
Eeek! Ooh!
Oh, not again! I mean,
that... that's pretty normal.
I've seen that before.
What is happening here?
We are being led
by a righteous man.
Our trip should be
protected by God.
I mean, nothing's changed,
right?
You're still a completely
faultless man
with nary a blemish of sin
on your perfect soul?
Oh, yeah, sure am.
Totally.
Squeaky clean Zekey
over here.
Um, excuse me a moment.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, hey, Zeke.
Crazy day, huh?
Levi's having a bit
of a temper tantrum.
Salute Satanum!
Now Levi, what did we say
about praising Satan
in ancient Latin?
Shove it up your ass, bitch.
He's such a scamp.
Are you not
the tiniest bit concerned
that the sudden downturn
things have taken
might be our doing?
What do you mean? I
feel like God is punishing us
for the affair.
Come on, not this again.
I thought you said
you were over it.
I thought I was,
but look around you.
Things are not
going great right now.
Everything's fine.
You're just stuck
in your own head.
So, the wagon's free
at lunch.
What do you say I help you
get out of your head, huh?
I should probably deal
with this, but come by later.
Shove it
up your ass, bitch.
You already said that one.
Oops. Sorry about that.
My name is Gorgeous Pete,
and I'm a bandit.
Hi, Gorgeous Pete.
This is a painting
I made of myself.
It's a scary outlaw.
But that's not the real me
on the inside.
I want to be a dancer.
You don't have to be
that guy anymore. Let it go.
All right,
who wants to go next?
Uh, Trig?
Sure. Um...
This is a painting of me.
As you can see, I'm
giving you the middle finger.
Okay.
We have a hard case here,
don't we?
I get it. I used
to be just like you.
Every weekend
I was out robbing banks,
sticking up stagecoaches,
but I felt empty
on the inside.
That is,
until I did the work
and I became
the fully enlightened person
that you see now.
Oh, my God, I'm in hell.
This is hell.
No, Trig.
Why can't you achieve
the same level of growth as me?
Because it's bullshit.
One spiritual weekend retreat
does not change a lifetime
of being a selfish asshole.
Except in my case,
that's exactly what happened.
Because I did the work.
Stop saying
you did the work!
What work?
What does that even mean?
It's the work.
It's what I did.
- Yeah, he did the work.
- Shut up, Kevin!
Okay, all right, look,
why don't we move on
to our Kundalini exercises?
I think we need to release
the negative energy
from our buttholes.
All right, everybody up.
Come on.
On your feet,
and bend over.
Yeah.
Loosen those hips.
Let it out.
Hey, Zeke.
Sorry I'm late.
There was a freak outbreak
of frogs.
Honestly, it was
just more random than bad.
Whoa.
♪♪ A-a-amen ♪♪
- Oh, hey.
- Hey. You decorated.
I thought our S-E-X
could use a little G-O-D?
That way, we can continue
our affair
and appease our vengeful
lord and saviour.
Uh, I mean,
it's a little distracting
but if it's what you need...
First, we set the mood
with a naughty little
sprinkle of holy water.
Wow, you're really
using a lot.
Yeah. Make sure to get some
on your face.
Uh... very nice.
And can I interest my lady
in a taste of bitter ashes?
Maybe we can just skip
to the part
where we make out?
Of course.
And I have the perfect thing
for that.
What?
What is that?
Just a little contraption
I built.
The hammer will continuously
strike me in the testicles
as we kiss,
thereby removing all pleasure
from the sexual experience.
- Shall we take it for a spin?
- Uh, are you sure?
I don't think that's...
Oh, wow! That did damage!
Oh, one blow
is utterly devastating!
I can't imagine doing that
even once more,
let alone for
an entire make-out session.
Um, I'm sorry.
Can we stop?
This isn't working for me.
How's it supposed
to make me feel
that you have to punish
yourself to be with me?
It's just... it's the only thing
I've thought of
to atone for our sins.
But I need you
to be in it, too,
and not think that
our relationship is a sin.
I'm sorry. No, no, no, no.
Of course, of course
I want to be with you.
I... you're right.
I am being ridiculous
and if you will
still have me,
I'd like to make out with you
super hard right now.
There we go.
Oh, that's not good.
- Rockslide!
- We're all gonna die!
Jesus, Martha,
we're right here!
You don't have to yell!
Take cover!
Oh, shit!
- Hurry up with that lock!
- I'm trying!
- Aah!
- Ow! Ah!
- Oh...
- It's okay, Benny.
You taught us all
how to abandon
our selfish ways.
We'll all stick together
till the bitter end.
Yeah, about that...
it's every man for himself.
Good luck!
See ya, suckers!
Ooh! Ee! Ow!
Ah, ah!
- What's he doing?
- Being the same ol' Benny.
It's gonna collapse!
Well, at least
we're together.
Dear Lord,
I repent my wicked ways.
I committed the sin
of adultery with Prudence.
- The hell?
- I was too weak
to resist the temptation
of the harlot's flesh!
She bewitched me with
her devilish charms,
and ankles
that just won't quit!
It was wicked and wrong,
and I promise I will never
disobey you again, oh, Lord!
Yes! Yes! It worked!
Thank you!
Thank you, oh, Lord,
for your infinite mercy!
Pru, you see that?
We're saved.
Well, I guess I know
how you really feel now.
Oh, Pru, wait.
Oh, hey, guys.
So, that happened.
Now this is hot goss!
So, things got
a little crazy there.
Some personal stuff
came to light
that I'm obviously
not particularly proud of.
But the main thing is
we are back on track
to make it to Oregon.
- So...
- Enough!
Why should we listen
to you anymore?
You seduced me away
from my fellow Noonans
only to make the beast
with two backs with that wench.
You are not a righteous man,
Ezekiel Brown.
You are evil.
No one messes
with my girl Phaedra
and gets away with it.
Team Phae-Phae for life,
bitch!
And... and... this...
This is how all of you feel?
None of you
are Team Zeke-Zeke?
I have an idea!
I can get my shunning kit!
Oh, uh, thank you, God.
This... this does help.
Hmph!
My God,
how dare you betray me?
You've made a proper
cuckhold of me. Oh, God.
I can feel my cuck's horns
growing in already.
I'm sorry, Todd.
Clearly, I made
a mistake with Zeke.
How did you even
find the time
to have an affair between
all the bible study sessions?
- Uh...
- Doesn't matter.
Just stay in the wagon.
Try not to bone
too many dudes
while I'm out.
God, that no good,
stinking reverend!
I never should've
trusted him. Gosh!
Hey there, Todd.
Rough day, huh?
I shouldn't be
talking to you.
Well, I just think it's
messed up what he did to you,
stealing your girl
like that.
You know, everyone's
laughing at you.
- They are?
- Yep.
And it's all
because of him.
Yeah! Though, if I'm
being honest with myself,
I wonder if I had a small part
to play in this.
I don't think I was always
a good husband...
No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.
You had it right
the first time.
You're perfect, he sucks.
Yeah!
That British little shit!
God, I wish there was a way
I could get back at him.
Maybe there is,
but first, you have to do
something for me.
Put your backs into it!
Oof, why did they make
these wagons so heavy?
- Hey, I'm gonna take five.
- What?
Howdy, Rev.
Oh, you're not supposed
to talk to me, remember?
- I am shunned.
- Eh.
How you holding up, anyway?
Yeah, not great.
The beggar's cloth
scratches my skin
with every step that I take
And the stone of shame
feels like it's about
to snap my neck.
And I lost the love of my life
forever, so...
But, if it gets us
back on God's good side,
all worth it, right?
Todd? What are you doing?
This is what happens when you
disrespect Todd Aberdeen!
No, no, no, no.
What the hell
are you thinking?
How we gonna get off
this mountain now?
You're not getting down.
I am!
Help!
- Prudence!
- Zeke!
Help!
Ah, ah, ah!
Not so fast, loverboy.
And sorry I can't stick around
and listen to more
of your bullshit, Benny.
I gotta get back to being
the best bandit of all time.
Trig, wait!
You're right.
I haven't changed.
I'm still the same
selfish jerk I've always been
but I... I'm trying.
And I meant it when I said
I care about you
and I want you to be happy.
I don't believe
a damn word you say.
The only thing
that would make me happy
is you freezing to death
on top of this mountain.
Let's ride.
You were saying something
about God protecting us?
"Congratulations on
your new Testicle Kicker 900,
"the very latest
in self-punishment
from your friends
at the Ouch Corporation."
Uh... aha!
"Connect
the testicle-crushing hammer
to slot C."
Where is slot C?
Seems like a really key piece
of information.
Ow.
I know we're being cursed,
but do you have
to make the print so tiny?
That seems unnecessarily
cruel.
Get in there, get in there,
get in there, aah!
Yes! Ha ha!
Oh! Yaa!
Aah, yes!
Right in the junk.
Prudence is gonna love this.