Miracle Workers (2019–…): Season 3, Episode 7 - Oregon Trail: White Savior - full transcript
Benny tries to become a hero to a Native American tribe.
You know, I was really worried
when Benny left,
but so far, so good.
We're doing fine without him.
We're actually making
record time today.
You know, I gotta say,
Wagon Master Zeke is
really doing it for me.
What do you say we put
this thing on autopilot
and join the
Two Mile Per Hour Club?
Pru, how can you even suggest
something like that?
My wife is in the back
of this wagon.
But when we get
to the next rest stop,
definitely.
What was that?
Great.
We've got a flat ox.
Come on, Claire,
break time's over.
Surprise, surprise.
One day without Benny
and the reverend
got us stuck out here.
Just... just give me a minute.
Okay?
I can handle this.
Claire, what are you
doing to me?
You are making me look
like an idiot out here. Get up!
Come on, Claire, don't do this
to me, I am begging you.
Just one more minute.
We'll be ready to go.
Look, I am sorry I got angry
with you earlier.
Just, what do you want?
I'll give you anything!
Do you want grass?
I'll give you so much grass.
You want drugs? You want
sexual favours from other cows?
You are making me look
like an asshole, Claire!
Come on, get up!
Yeah, we might need Benny.
Yeah, right.
Me spending my life with
a bunch of stupid farmers?
Ha! I'm Benny the Teen,
god damn it!
I don't need Trig or the Rev,
or anybody.
Long as I got you, alcohol.
No, baby!
Don't do this to me!
This is rock bottom!
I see.
This is rock bottom.
Hyah!
Where am I?
Hyah!
So this is where my story ends.
Murdered by a bunch of
bloodthirsty monsters from hell.
You know we speak English.
You do?
Well, in that case,
bloodthirsty monsters
from... heaven?
You have trespassed
on Blackfoot land.
I am Chief Sleeping Bear
and this is
my lead warrior, Sheila.
Sheila?
I didn't expect that.
I have an Aunt Sheila.
Aah!
Who are you? And what
are you doing on our land?
Hey! Back off, toots.
You don't know who you're
messing with here.
I'm Benny the Teen.
Who?
That makes sense.
You guys are
pretty isolated out here.
Well, back in civilisation,
I'm kinda infamous
as a dangerous
young outlaw prince.
You?
Young and dangerous?
Look at you! Clearly you are
some sort of elder
for your people.
"Hey, I'm Benny the Teen!
Bing bing!
"My back!
My back!"
Okay, come on, guys.
Words hurt.
I think I'll spare your life,
so you can continue
to entertain us
as some sort of human joke.
Gee, thanks.
Sheila will take care of you.
What? Why me?
You found him.
He's your responsibility.
Start grinding.
If I have to keep you,
you might as well be useful.
I hope you're
considering escaping.
I would love to put
one of these arrows
in the back of your skull.
What's the point?
If I'm not Benny the Teen,
then who am I?
Just a big stinkin' nobody,
that's who.
God, your energy today.
What am I grinding here, anyway?
The skulls of your enemies?
It's corn, for making cornbread.
You guys make bread?
I didn't realise Indians
eat human food.
Okay, I'll bite.
What exactly do you think
native people are?
Just the usual stuff...
That you're the spawn of Satan,
you talk to ghosts and animals,
and you're friends with trees?
First of all, we are human.
You don't say?
We're actually hundreds of
different tribes,
each with its own unique
history and culture.
You are blowing my mind here.
And I'll bet that stuff
about you scalping people
is just a dirty lie, too...
Don't worry about that one.
Hello, everyone!
My name is General Puddin
from the United States Bureau
of Indian Affairs.
I come with a generous
and exciting offer
for your people... new land!
It's a cozy little spot
about a quarter the size
of your current place,
mostly salt flats,
but there is a good view
of a swamp,
and the best part is it's just
a hop, skip,
and a thousand-mile march
away from here.
So? Are you gonna do it
or are you gonna do it?
Or are you gonna do it?
General.
We've already been forced
to move several times,
each time to land worse
than before.
Right, well...
I promise that that won't...
Sorry.
I can't say that
without laughing.
It's not gonna happen again.
[It's gonna... clears throat]
It'll be different this time.
Sounds like a crummy deal to me.
We accept.
- What?
- All right.
Congrats on your new home.
I'm sure you'll all love it!
Okay.
Chief, why'd you take that deal?
If I'd refused, they would've
returned with an army.
- There's no other way.
- But what if there was?
Hey, why don't I talk to Puddin?
I bet I could convince him
to let you guys stay.
Don't you see?
Fate brought me here
for a reason.
I lost my identity and
you're giving me a new one.
I can save your land
and your people
from the outside world.
Like a white saviour?
Hey, I like that.
Did you just make that up?
Okay, sure.
- Chief...
- What have we got to lose?
Might as well give him a shot.
Hey, is it cool
if I did one of those...
Whoa!
No, I just...
We've tried negotiating
with men like Puddin before.
It never ends well.
Well, that's because
you've never had
Benny the White Saviour
on your team.
You do realise that
what you're doing is, like,
completely racist, right?
I think you're confused.
I'm helping you.
So I'm actually
the opposite of racist.
You know what? Why don't we
play the quiet game
until we get to the fort?
Suit yourself.
Halt!
What is your purpose?
Greetings unto you.
We request parlay
with General Puddin.
I don't know why
he's talking like that.
You can pass.
But the Injun stays here.
It's okay. I got this.
White saviour!
Pew pew!
You again.
Escaped from those savages
on your own, have you?
Actually, I'm here
on their behalf
to protect their land.
Now, why would you want to do
a silly thing like that?
Because we had them all wrong.
They're people,
just like you and me.
They laugh, they sing and dance.
How they dance.
Actually, I'm just assuming
that last part.
I only met them
a couple of hours ago.
Look, I appreciate your visit,
but unfortunately,
their land is far too
valuable for us to give up.
Well, what are we
talking about here?
Oil, gold?
Much better.
My friend, we are talking
about nothing less
than the future of America.
Behold, the shopping mall.
Ooh.
What is it?
Imagine dozens of name-brand
stores all under one roof.
Apparel, home décor,
an entire store
just for containers.
And who can resist...
flavoured soft pretzels?
Care for a sample?
Is that sour cream and onion?
It's whatever you want it to be.
No. I'm sorry,
but that land belongs
to the Blackfoot.
They're not moving,
and that's final.
Well, I'm sorry
you feel that way.
In that case,
we'll just have to eradicate
their entire village.
- Wait, what?
- Guards!
This can't be happening!
I'm just as upset as you are.
I mean, who could've guessed
that the white man
could be so cruel and greedy?
Okay.
Every single one of you.
Okay. My bad.
If it's war they want,
it's war they will get.
We will fight.
And we will win!
Yeah! Let's kick
some army butt!
All right, everyone,
hands in the middle!
Blackfoot, on three.
- One...
- Yeah, I kinda meant
like, we will fight,
and we will win.
Yeah, I'm starting to agree
with Sheila on this one.
Perhaps you've done enough
helping for the day?
No, no, I wouldn't hear of it.
You helped me realise
how special I really am.
So I am with you
until the bitter end,
and that's final.
Don't shoot the arrow,
be the arrow!
What the hell?
This thing is broken!
Are you sure you don't
want any help?
Don't worry about me, bro.
After all, I'm helping you guys.
Remember that.
He's going to get us all killed.
That one's got some zing on it!
We just need to find a way
to get him to leave. But how?
He genuinely thinks
he's the chosen one
and we should all be
kissing his special butt.
Maybe we can use that
to our advantage.
- Aah!
- Sorry, fella.
For what it's worth,
I did yell "fore."
Right? Back me up on this.
- Benny.
- Excuse me.
I've consulted
with the village elders
and we have decided to make you
an honorary member of the tribe.
You really mean it, chief?
Of course! But first,
you must undergo
the traditional rite of passage.
Sounds sacred and magical.
What you're gonna want to do
is walk in a straight line
away from the village.
Until I find my spirit animal.
Okay, sure, yeah.
We'll go with that, and...
But the main point is
that you just keep walking
and walking
and no matter how far you go,
we want you to go
just a little bit farther.
Got it.
Shoot.
If I go now,
won't I miss the battle?
We promise we won't start
without our white saviour.
Right.
Well, wish me luck.
Good luck.
Bye.
That is the dumbest man
I have ever seen.
Told you.
Spirit animal?
Spirit animal?
Where the hell
is this damn thing?
There it is.
My spirit animal.
And it looks so real.
Hey, hey, hey!
Whoa! Whoa! Of course,
you're a rattlesnake!
You shed your old skin
to be something even greater
than before. Like me.
The pain!
Okay.
One last chance.
Surrender or die.
And I give you the same option.
Your grave will be
the perfect spot
for my shopping mall's
dancing fountain.
I hope you like
vocal jazz standards
for the rest of eternity!
Hey guys!
What's going on here?
Shit.
Hey Benny.
How'd you get back so soon?
Well, I found my spirit animal.
It was a snake. See?
- Definitely infected.
- Gross.
Were you about to start
the battle without me?
It's starting maybe
sometime soonish?
These things never
start on time, really.
You said you were gonna
wait for me.
Ooh. Awkward.
Look, we just don't
want you here.
You are not our white saviour!
You're just an idiot
who's made everything worse.
Now get out of here.
Scat!
- Are we doing this?
- Okay.
Hey, do you have a second?
Can it wait?
I'm a little bit busy.
Actually, it can't, so.
Sure, what's up?
I'm confused.
Everything was adding up
to me being the white saviour.
You helped me discover
my true potential,
and I was going to demonstrate
it by being the big hero!
So how come it didn't
work out like that?
Because it's not about you,
dummy!
All you care about
is your personal journey
and we're just the vehicles
to help get you there.
I'm glad you're feeling better
about yourself, Benny,
I really am,
but this is our story,
not yours.
I never thought of it like that.
Well, I'm listening
to you now, okay?
What do you need?
We could use someone
to pick up those loose arrows
and go bring water to the guys.
Is that really
the best use of me?
I mean, I'm really more of
a front lines kinda guy.
No. You're right,
I'm on it.
Excuse me.
Whoa! Coming through.
Whoop!
Picking up arrows.
Excuse me.
Don't mind me.
Picking up arrows here!
Thanks, dude.
You rock.
On your left!
Nice shot, downtown!
All right, get in there!
Come on!
Yeah! Kill 'em, boys!
Whoo!
My mall.
My beautiful, beautiful mall.
Hey, anybody lose a bow?
It's, cedar, maple, maybe?
You.
This is all your fault!
Hyah!
You can kill me,
but there will be
a shopping mall.
Thousands of them!
Covering the countryside!
And the only Indians you'll see
will be at Halloween
pop-up stores!
For slutty, basic bitches
to wear to frat parties!
I'm gonna enjoy this.
So you do scalp people.
Okay, you got me.
I love it.
So, where you going next?
Well,
I'm gonna go back to the friends
that I thought
I was too good for.
You know what I realised?
I don't need to be
Benny the Teen
or Benny the White Saviour.
I can just be Benny,
the guy who doesn't need
to have a special thing.
Or, how about just Benny?
Benny.
Yeah, short, snappy.
Like Sheila.
I like it.
Me, too.
Oof! What do you
think you're doing?
Sorry, I just thought
this was the part
where we're supposed to kiss.
We started off as enemies
from different worlds,
but then we ended up
learning from each other
and falling in love.
Am I off-base here?
Yes! Way off base.
Okay, so, no kiss.
Got it.
See you, Sheila.
Bye, Benny.
Farewell, my friends!
Perhaps we'll meet again, when.
Mother Moon dances
with Father Sun
atop the ancestral plane.
All right, man.
Peace.
You were right.
We probably should
have just killed him.
Thank you!
I'll be taking requests
all night.
Personally, I would like
a break from Top 40,
but that's just me.
No more need to fear,
'cause Benny's back.
Hey!
Looks like things are going
pretty well here?
Yeah, we had a bit of a hiccup
early on with one of the oxen,
but we got back on track
pretty quick.
Turns out I was saying "ha"
instead of "ya."
Well, if you don't need me
to save the day,
I guess I'll, have a seat?
By the way, Rev...
I'm really sorry about leaving.
It's okay. We're just happy
to have you back.
Spoons?
Thanks.
This is nice.
when Benny left,
but so far, so good.
We're doing fine without him.
We're actually making
record time today.
You know, I gotta say,
Wagon Master Zeke is
really doing it for me.
What do you say we put
this thing on autopilot
and join the
Two Mile Per Hour Club?
Pru, how can you even suggest
something like that?
My wife is in the back
of this wagon.
But when we get
to the next rest stop,
definitely.
What was that?
Great.
We've got a flat ox.
Come on, Claire,
break time's over.
Surprise, surprise.
One day without Benny
and the reverend
got us stuck out here.
Just... just give me a minute.
Okay?
I can handle this.
Claire, what are you
doing to me?
You are making me look
like an idiot out here. Get up!
Come on, Claire, don't do this
to me, I am begging you.
Just one more minute.
We'll be ready to go.
Look, I am sorry I got angry
with you earlier.
Just, what do you want?
I'll give you anything!
Do you want grass?
I'll give you so much grass.
You want drugs? You want
sexual favours from other cows?
You are making me look
like an asshole, Claire!
Come on, get up!
Yeah, we might need Benny.
Yeah, right.
Me spending my life with
a bunch of stupid farmers?
Ha! I'm Benny the Teen,
god damn it!
I don't need Trig or the Rev,
or anybody.
Long as I got you, alcohol.
No, baby!
Don't do this to me!
This is rock bottom!
I see.
This is rock bottom.
Hyah!
Where am I?
Hyah!
So this is where my story ends.
Murdered by a bunch of
bloodthirsty monsters from hell.
You know we speak English.
You do?
Well, in that case,
bloodthirsty monsters
from... heaven?
You have trespassed
on Blackfoot land.
I am Chief Sleeping Bear
and this is
my lead warrior, Sheila.
Sheila?
I didn't expect that.
I have an Aunt Sheila.
Aah!
Who are you? And what
are you doing on our land?
Hey! Back off, toots.
You don't know who you're
messing with here.
I'm Benny the Teen.
Who?
That makes sense.
You guys are
pretty isolated out here.
Well, back in civilisation,
I'm kinda infamous
as a dangerous
young outlaw prince.
You?
Young and dangerous?
Look at you! Clearly you are
some sort of elder
for your people.
"Hey, I'm Benny the Teen!
Bing bing!
"My back!
My back!"
Okay, come on, guys.
Words hurt.
I think I'll spare your life,
so you can continue
to entertain us
as some sort of human joke.
Gee, thanks.
Sheila will take care of you.
What? Why me?
You found him.
He's your responsibility.
Start grinding.
If I have to keep you,
you might as well be useful.
I hope you're
considering escaping.
I would love to put
one of these arrows
in the back of your skull.
What's the point?
If I'm not Benny the Teen,
then who am I?
Just a big stinkin' nobody,
that's who.
God, your energy today.
What am I grinding here, anyway?
The skulls of your enemies?
It's corn, for making cornbread.
You guys make bread?
I didn't realise Indians
eat human food.
Okay, I'll bite.
What exactly do you think
native people are?
Just the usual stuff...
That you're the spawn of Satan,
you talk to ghosts and animals,
and you're friends with trees?
First of all, we are human.
You don't say?
We're actually hundreds of
different tribes,
each with its own unique
history and culture.
You are blowing my mind here.
And I'll bet that stuff
about you scalping people
is just a dirty lie, too...
Don't worry about that one.
Hello, everyone!
My name is General Puddin
from the United States Bureau
of Indian Affairs.
I come with a generous
and exciting offer
for your people... new land!
It's a cozy little spot
about a quarter the size
of your current place,
mostly salt flats,
but there is a good view
of a swamp,
and the best part is it's just
a hop, skip,
and a thousand-mile march
away from here.
So? Are you gonna do it
or are you gonna do it?
Or are you gonna do it?
General.
We've already been forced
to move several times,
each time to land worse
than before.
Right, well...
I promise that that won't...
Sorry.
I can't say that
without laughing.
It's not gonna happen again.
[It's gonna... clears throat]
It'll be different this time.
Sounds like a crummy deal to me.
We accept.
- What?
- All right.
Congrats on your new home.
I'm sure you'll all love it!
Okay.
Chief, why'd you take that deal?
If I'd refused, they would've
returned with an army.
- There's no other way.
- But what if there was?
Hey, why don't I talk to Puddin?
I bet I could convince him
to let you guys stay.
Don't you see?
Fate brought me here
for a reason.
I lost my identity and
you're giving me a new one.
I can save your land
and your people
from the outside world.
Like a white saviour?
Hey, I like that.
Did you just make that up?
Okay, sure.
- Chief...
- What have we got to lose?
Might as well give him a shot.
Hey, is it cool
if I did one of those...
Whoa!
No, I just...
We've tried negotiating
with men like Puddin before.
It never ends well.
Well, that's because
you've never had
Benny the White Saviour
on your team.
You do realise that
what you're doing is, like,
completely racist, right?
I think you're confused.
I'm helping you.
So I'm actually
the opposite of racist.
You know what? Why don't we
play the quiet game
until we get to the fort?
Suit yourself.
Halt!
What is your purpose?
Greetings unto you.
We request parlay
with General Puddin.
I don't know why
he's talking like that.
You can pass.
But the Injun stays here.
It's okay. I got this.
White saviour!
Pew pew!
You again.
Escaped from those savages
on your own, have you?
Actually, I'm here
on their behalf
to protect their land.
Now, why would you want to do
a silly thing like that?
Because we had them all wrong.
They're people,
just like you and me.
They laugh, they sing and dance.
How they dance.
Actually, I'm just assuming
that last part.
I only met them
a couple of hours ago.
Look, I appreciate your visit,
but unfortunately,
their land is far too
valuable for us to give up.
Well, what are we
talking about here?
Oil, gold?
Much better.
My friend, we are talking
about nothing less
than the future of America.
Behold, the shopping mall.
Ooh.
What is it?
Imagine dozens of name-brand
stores all under one roof.
Apparel, home décor,
an entire store
just for containers.
And who can resist...
flavoured soft pretzels?
Care for a sample?
Is that sour cream and onion?
It's whatever you want it to be.
No. I'm sorry,
but that land belongs
to the Blackfoot.
They're not moving,
and that's final.
Well, I'm sorry
you feel that way.
In that case,
we'll just have to eradicate
their entire village.
- Wait, what?
- Guards!
This can't be happening!
I'm just as upset as you are.
I mean, who could've guessed
that the white man
could be so cruel and greedy?
Okay.
Every single one of you.
Okay. My bad.
If it's war they want,
it's war they will get.
We will fight.
And we will win!
Yeah! Let's kick
some army butt!
All right, everyone,
hands in the middle!
Blackfoot, on three.
- One...
- Yeah, I kinda meant
like, we will fight,
and we will win.
Yeah, I'm starting to agree
with Sheila on this one.
Perhaps you've done enough
helping for the day?
No, no, I wouldn't hear of it.
You helped me realise
how special I really am.
So I am with you
until the bitter end,
and that's final.
Don't shoot the arrow,
be the arrow!
What the hell?
This thing is broken!
Are you sure you don't
want any help?
Don't worry about me, bro.
After all, I'm helping you guys.
Remember that.
He's going to get us all killed.
That one's got some zing on it!
We just need to find a way
to get him to leave. But how?
He genuinely thinks
he's the chosen one
and we should all be
kissing his special butt.
Maybe we can use that
to our advantage.
- Aah!
- Sorry, fella.
For what it's worth,
I did yell "fore."
Right? Back me up on this.
- Benny.
- Excuse me.
I've consulted
with the village elders
and we have decided to make you
an honorary member of the tribe.
You really mean it, chief?
Of course! But first,
you must undergo
the traditional rite of passage.
Sounds sacred and magical.
What you're gonna want to do
is walk in a straight line
away from the village.
Until I find my spirit animal.
Okay, sure, yeah.
We'll go with that, and...
But the main point is
that you just keep walking
and walking
and no matter how far you go,
we want you to go
just a little bit farther.
Got it.
Shoot.
If I go now,
won't I miss the battle?
We promise we won't start
without our white saviour.
Right.
Well, wish me luck.
Good luck.
Bye.
That is the dumbest man
I have ever seen.
Told you.
Spirit animal?
Spirit animal?
Where the hell
is this damn thing?
There it is.
My spirit animal.
And it looks so real.
Hey, hey, hey!
Whoa! Whoa! Of course,
you're a rattlesnake!
You shed your old skin
to be something even greater
than before. Like me.
The pain!
Okay.
One last chance.
Surrender or die.
And I give you the same option.
Your grave will be
the perfect spot
for my shopping mall's
dancing fountain.
I hope you like
vocal jazz standards
for the rest of eternity!
Hey guys!
What's going on here?
Shit.
Hey Benny.
How'd you get back so soon?
Well, I found my spirit animal.
It was a snake. See?
- Definitely infected.
- Gross.
Were you about to start
the battle without me?
It's starting maybe
sometime soonish?
These things never
start on time, really.
You said you were gonna
wait for me.
Ooh. Awkward.
Look, we just don't
want you here.
You are not our white saviour!
You're just an idiot
who's made everything worse.
Now get out of here.
Scat!
- Are we doing this?
- Okay.
Hey, do you have a second?
Can it wait?
I'm a little bit busy.
Actually, it can't, so.
Sure, what's up?
I'm confused.
Everything was adding up
to me being the white saviour.
You helped me discover
my true potential,
and I was going to demonstrate
it by being the big hero!
So how come it didn't
work out like that?
Because it's not about you,
dummy!
All you care about
is your personal journey
and we're just the vehicles
to help get you there.
I'm glad you're feeling better
about yourself, Benny,
I really am,
but this is our story,
not yours.
I never thought of it like that.
Well, I'm listening
to you now, okay?
What do you need?
We could use someone
to pick up those loose arrows
and go bring water to the guys.
Is that really
the best use of me?
I mean, I'm really more of
a front lines kinda guy.
No. You're right,
I'm on it.
Excuse me.
Whoa! Coming through.
Whoop!
Picking up arrows.
Excuse me.
Don't mind me.
Picking up arrows here!
Thanks, dude.
You rock.
On your left!
Nice shot, downtown!
All right, get in there!
Come on!
Yeah! Kill 'em, boys!
Whoo!
My mall.
My beautiful, beautiful mall.
Hey, anybody lose a bow?
It's, cedar, maple, maybe?
You.
This is all your fault!
Hyah!
You can kill me,
but there will be
a shopping mall.
Thousands of them!
Covering the countryside!
And the only Indians you'll see
will be at Halloween
pop-up stores!
For slutty, basic bitches
to wear to frat parties!
I'm gonna enjoy this.
So you do scalp people.
Okay, you got me.
I love it.
So, where you going next?
Well,
I'm gonna go back to the friends
that I thought
I was too good for.
You know what I realised?
I don't need to be
Benny the Teen
or Benny the White Saviour.
I can just be Benny,
the guy who doesn't need
to have a special thing.
Or, how about just Benny?
Benny.
Yeah, short, snappy.
Like Sheila.
I like it.
Me, too.
Oof! What do you
think you're doing?
Sorry, I just thought
this was the part
where we're supposed to kiss.
We started off as enemies
from different worlds,
but then we ended up
learning from each other
and falling in love.
Am I off-base here?
Yes! Way off base.
Okay, so, no kiss.
Got it.
See you, Sheila.
Bye, Benny.
Farewell, my friends!
Perhaps we'll meet again, when.
Mother Moon dances
with Father Sun
atop the ancestral plane.
All right, man.
Peace.
You were right.
We probably should
have just killed him.
Thank you!
I'll be taking requests
all night.
Personally, I would like
a break from Top 40,
but that's just me.
No more need to fear,
'cause Benny's back.
Hey!
Looks like things are going
pretty well here?
Yeah, we had a bit of a hiccup
early on with one of the oxen,
but we got back on track
pretty quick.
Turns out I was saying "ha"
instead of "ya."
Well, if you don't need me
to save the day,
I guess I'll, have a seat?
By the way, Rev...
I'm really sorry about leaving.
It's okay. We're just happy
to have you back.
Spoons?
Thanks.
This is nice.