Miracle Workers (2019–…): Season 3, Episode 6 - Oregon Trail: Independence Rock - full transcript
The wagon train stops at Independence Rock to celebrate the Fourth of July. While Ezekiel and Prudence try to enjoy the holiday, Benny attempts to reclaim his place as the number one outlaw in the west.
Wow. Independence Rock.
Glorious, isn't she?
Kinda looks like a turd to me.
And not a solid turd, either.
Just a sad loosey.
It is not a sad loosey.
Independence Rock marks the
halfway point of our journey.
If we can make it there
by the 4th of July
it means we're on track to
get to Oregon before winter.
That's tomorrow.
We'll never make that.
We may not make it in one piece,
but I'll get us there in time.
Strap in.
It's about to get bumpy.
♪♪♪
- [reins snap]
- Hyah!
Y'all hang on tight, Rev.
[oxen moo]
You do realise we're still going
incredibly slowly, right?
These oxen are
really humming now.
I mean, we can only be going, uh
four, five miles an hour, tops.
Stay with me, baby!
Yeah, I'm probably just
gonna get out and walk.
See you guys at
Independence Rock, I guess.
BENNY: Yee-haw!
[theme music plays]
♪♪♪
Isn't it wonderful? All
these brave pioneers
taking a break from the trail
to celebrate our
great nation by...
Gettin' drunk!
[loud clattering]
All right, come on!
Who's ready for some ale pong?
I'm trying to get
blackout by breakfast.
Farmer John, you're up first.
Come on, bitch.
Hit me with another buffalo
slider, Granny McGill.
A little early to be
hitting the red meat, no?
I usually spend 4th
of July with Zeke,
but he's in his honeymoon
wagon with Phaedra,
leaving me to eat my feelings.
In that case, make it two.
Oh, yeah? What's your problem?
I'm just bummed that Trig
never wants to
see me ever again.
You know, in some ways,
the emotional hurt
is worse than the bullets
she put in my back.
Well, no. The bullets
were actually much worse.
I still have one lodged in
my spine that's sheer agony.
Hey, Uncle Benny!
Will you take us
around the fair?
Okay, squirt, I
keep telling you...
I'm not Uncle Benny.
I'm Benny the Teen,
the most feared outlaw alive.
Please?
CHILDREN: Please?
All right, you win.
But if I hear one word about
balloon hats, I'll shoot you.
[giggles] Yes!
Oh, Zeke!
- [sighs]
- Happy 4th.
Mm. Happy 4th to you, too.
Whoo. Don't get too excited.
I'm sorry, I am just exhausted.
Phaedra and I have been
going at it all night.
Oh, don't paint
the whole picture.
No, no, it's not
that. We were praying.
And don't get me wrong...
I like praying as much as
the next God-fearing man.
Twice a day, maybe three times
if I have a snack in the middle.
But I just wish there
was something else
we could connect on, you know?
Well, hey, why don't you
just forget about all that?
Okay, this is our
favourite holiday!
Let's go get into some
classic Prudence/Zeke hijinks.
- Hey, that's a great idea.
- Yeah.
- And I'll bring Phaedra.
- Oh, um...
This is what we can connect on.
I mean, who can resist
the magic of July the 4th?
You know, I kinda just meant,
like, a you and me thing.
I'm gonna go tell her right now.
This is awesome. Pru,
thank you so much.
Granny, make it a double.
- Aw.
- Damn it!
This stupid game is rigged!
Better luck next time.
Give me the bear.
Do it.
- Here you go.
- Yay!
Thanks, Uncle Benny!
Ah, you're welcome.
No sudden moves.
'Cause someone's
getting a hug! Ooh!
I missed you.
Is this how you kill people?
Oh, no. I'm not
bounty hunting today.
It's a national holiday.
Some union thing.
Who's that, Uncle Benny?
Hey, little guy.
I'm an enemy of
your Uncle Benny's.
It's my job to hunt
him down and kill him
because he's the most
wanted man in the country
and he deserves to rot in hell!
Even if everyone here
is going gaga for Trig.
Wait, Trig is here?
Oh, yeah. She's
doing some big heist.
It's part of this crazy
crime spree she's on.
It's so stupid.
[chuckles] Yeah.
Stupid. [Laughs]
Well, maybe I should just
check it out, though, right?
Just see what all
the fuss is about.
Hey, kids. You want to check
out an active crime scene?
Yay!
PRUDENCE: Ah, so much to do!
We could carve our names
into Independence Rock.
Ooh, look! There's
a meet-and-greet
with Uncle Sam in his
White House Wonderland.
What sounds good to
you? Uh, all of it.
What do you think, Phaedra?
Oh, um, sorry. What
was the question?
I'm just so confused
by this sandwich.
Right, yes. No, you want a more
perpendicular entry, dear.
- This?
- Ah, no.
Like, turn it on its axis.
The other axis.
Rotate it, like...
I'm sorry, I just...
I don't get this.
Or any of this. I
mean, what exactly
are we celebrating here?
The pursuit of happiness?
Happiness is an indulgence
that should be run away from.
Oh, no, you're just not
seeing it the right way.
When I was at the
orphanage growing up,
I used to make an American flag
out of a dirty old pillowcase.
And I'd wave it around
and pretend I was in
the Land of the Free.
Ezekiel, you're not a
patriot, are you?
- Well...
- Because the man I married
loves God, not America.
Sorry, no. A patriot. Yes.
Um, no, I'm not that.
[scoffs] No.
Boo, America!
What are you talking about?
You're like the biggest
patriot I know...
Ah! No, no, no, no, I'm not.
I might have experimented
with patriotism in college,
but that was just a phase.
You know what we should do?
We should protest
this sick holiday.
Haa...
Wouldn't that be righteous?
Yes.
Wonderful idea, dear.
[laughs]
Well, at least it's
something we can connect on.
Sorry.
This is too many hot dogs.
[people clamouring]
You... you took
everything from us.
You're a monster!
Oh, that's so sweet!
Thank you for coming
to the robbery.
Everyone, really, thank you.
People are really
freaked out by Trig?
Dad?
Okay, what part of "I never
want to see you again"
don't you understand?
God, you're like obsessed
with me or something.
I'm not here to see
you. I'll have you know,
I'm here on important business.
Uncle Benny? I have to potty.
Levi, you're killin'
me! You just went potty!
Does cholera give you
a tiny bladder, too?
Oh, my God, your new
gang seems pretty tough.
[laughter]
Yeah, well, sorry to
steal the spotlight,
but these folks now have
a real bad guy to worry about!
Get 'em up!
Um, I'm sorry.
Who are you again?
Benny the Teen.
Oh! Right!
Yeah, I think my parents
were scared of you.
Would you mind if I go back
to being robbed by Trig?
Sorry, Benny. Looks
like I'm new hotness,
and you're an old has-been.
- CROWD: Oh! Ooh!
- BENNY: All right, laugh it up.
This isn't the last you've
seen of Benny the Teen,
not by a long shot!
Let's go potty.
♪♪♪
Can you believe
that people would deface
this perfectly good rock
with this graffiti?
"W.H. Collins and Co."?
More like, "Erase You..."
"[chuckling] Company," yeah.
And erase you!
And erase you. Psst!
Zeke!
Pru, what are you doing
here? What does it look like?
I'm busting you out
of here. Let's go.
[gasps] What in
George Washington's
green earth are you doing?
We are returning this rock
to the way God made it,
you disgusting patriots.
Oh, no. No, you did not.
You need to take that
flat, rat-tail pompadour
and pack it up,
Bena-bitch Arnold.
- [others chuckle]
- Ezekiel!
Did you hear what he
just said to your wife?
Yes.
Defend my honour.
Right, um... PHAEDRA: Yes.
[Zeke clears throat]
You guys are bad.
Good start.
Now elaborate.
I think that America is
dumb and
red, white, and blue
are ugly, ugly colours.
And all you patriots should
[flatly] go back to England.
Oh, now, you done did it.
You're right, Thomas.
It's not worth it.
You don't feed the trolls.
Come on, let's go.
Good job, dear.
You really showed those
flag-wavers who's boss.
You're right, this is horrible.
I have to get out of here.
Wow, yeah, you have to
be honest with Phaedra
and tell her that
you love America.
Yeah, I could do that.
Or, I could lie to her
and live a completely
separate double life
behind her back.
Sure. Equally healthy option.
I'm probably gonna do that one.
All right, um...
bye, sweetheart!
Just going off
for a quick break.
- Okay.
- Just a normal break,
doing normal things for
a normal amount of time.
- She doesn't care. Let's go.
- Okay. The lie worked!
BENNY: I'm washed up?
I'll show them who's washed up.
- What are we doing here?
- Come on, kids!
We need to come up with
something really bad
that Uncle Benny can
do, on short notice!
Emma! Get your head in the game!
I'm gonna need you to
stop eating the grass,
- and focus.
- This is boring.
Can we go see Uncle Sam?
I'm trying to come up
with my big comeback here!
We're not meeting
Uncle Sam! Please?
He's the coolest,
bestest guy in the world.
He is, huh?
The rest of you feel that way?
Then I suppose it
would be pretty bad
if something were
to happen to him?
Yeah, really bad.
Interesting.
All right, let's
go meet Uncle Sam.
Yay!
[evil laugh]
Why are you laughing so evilly?
Shut up, Levi. No
one likes a narc.
Game! Bam! Drink
up, Farmer John.
[laughs] That's right.
Todd Aberdeen's back on top.
Yes, I may have shat my
pants on multiple occasions,
but at least I can still
dominate at ale pong.
Ooh, ale pong?
Oh, I've always wanted
to try. Can I play?
Sure, if you don't mind
getting your butt whooped.
- What?
- That was fun!
Oh, can we play again?
Yeah, okay, just...
Rack 'em up.
Bitch.
[patriotic music plays]
[indistinct cheering]
Lib-er-ty! Lib-er-ty!
Can you believe
this is the most fun
I've had on my honeymoon
and my wife isn't even here?
Hey, I get it. The
highlight of my honeymoon
was the night Todd
passed out early
and I ate a whole
cake in the tub.
I just... I thought marriage
would be different, you know?
I thought it'd be
fun, and adventures
and, I don't know, fireworks.
I guess we don't always end up
with our fireworks person.
♪♪♪
PATRIOTIC MAN: Uh-oh,
stop the parade!
- Whoa.
- Troll alert.
Look out, everybody.
Whoop whoop!
I am so terribly sorry
about what I said
to you earlier.
The truth is, that
wasn't me at all.
I actually love the 4th of July.
I... knew it!
My USA-dar is flawless!
Now come on, and get your
tushies on this float!
Let's do it.
UNCLE SAM: Nice to
meet you, little Levi.
Now tell Uncle Sam, what's
your 4th of July wish?
I wish for a cure for my polio,
and rickets, and
scurvy, and measles...
Uh, I'll see what I can do.
And Levi, I want you
to have a happy 4th of July.
[polite laugh] All
right. There you go.
Great wishes, kids.
All right, now,
I need you to wait outside.
I'm gonna have a little
word with Uncle Sam.
Off you go.
Get along, little doggies.
[chuckles]
Here's the deal.
I need to pull off an
unspeakably heinous crime
to outdo my daughter, and
long story short, I
need to kidnap you.
- Oh.
- Yeah, I know, it sucks.
I hope you take it as
a compliment, though.
- I understand.
- Good.
And I hope you
understand that Uncle Sam
doesn't go down without a fight!
[growls]
[growling, objects breaking]
- [growling, objects breaking]
- [coughs]
How are you so jacked?
I want you... to die!
Ooh!
- [grunts]
- [crowd gasps]
[groaning]
Ah, don't worry, kids.
Sam's just taking a little nap.
Hey, help me drag
his body out of here.
Yeah! I friggin'
love you, America,
and I don't care who knows it!
Yas, honey! You better crown
that good with brotherhood!
- Ezekiel!
- Aah!
What are you doing up there?
Um, this isn't what
it looks like. I'm...
Look, Phaedra,
I want to be a good
husband to you.
But that also means
being honest with you.
I love America.
I know this must come
as a huge shock to you
but I really hope you can
find some way of accepting it
because it... it is a
huge part of who I am.
I absolutely do not accept that.
That part of you makes
me sick and revolted
and the fact that we are
even having this conversation
makes me want to throw
myself off a cliff.
Now get off that
float immediately.
Yes, dear.
Yikes. That's a hard attitude
to move forward from.
Zeke, wait.
Haven't you done
enough harm already?
Go back to your own husband.
Go.
Excuse me, ma'am? I'm so sorry,
but I think I may have
killed your husband.
[burps]
And, uh, not to pile on,
but I think he shit his pants.
He shit his pants.
Happy 4th.
Step this way, guys.
All right, I got you all
the best seat in the house.
Uh, thanks, but we really
don't have time for fireworks.
We got back-to-back
heists tomorrow.
Trust me. You're not
gonna want to miss this.
It's gonna be a real explosion.
Mm, yeah. That's what
fireworks do. They explode.
Just watch, please.
[sighs]
Fireworks!
ALL CHANTING:
Fireworks! Fireworks!
Folks, folks, folks,
folks! I got some bad news.
Uncle Sam is not
gonna be introducing
the fireworks show.
- [groaning]
- Because...
- [drumroll]
- he is the fireworks show.
I want you
to help me!
Boy, you get a lot of mileage
out of that line, don't you?
That's right, folks!
Benny the Teen is gonna
blow up Uncle Sam,
- on the 4th of July.
- [crowd clamouring]
Now who's the baddest
outlaw in town?
Damn. That is cold-blooded.
Ooh. [Chuckles]
Whoo!
You're not really gonna
blow up Uncle Sam, are you?
Yeah, actually, I am.
[whimpers]
Why?
Because I need to
be back on top.
If I'm not the number
one outlaw in town,
then, I'm nobody.
That's not true.
You're my Uncle
Benny. I love you.
Damn you, Levi.
How dare you melt my
heart at a time like this?
[giggles]
All right, hold on, Sam.
I'm coming for you.
[whimpering]
- Oh!
- Come on.
Jump!
♪♪♪
PHAEDRA: Ezekiel!
I can't believe it. My
own husband, a patriot.
But there is still hope.
We are going to
pray the USA away.
All night, if we have to.
Are you sure we can't just
watch the fireworks first?
Absolutely not.
Watching rockets being
shot off into the sky
is a literal assault on heaven.
Dear God, let apple pie
be like ash in his mouth.
I'm gonna get my fireworks.
In fact, make him a cake guy.
Vanilla only, obviously.
Prudence!
- Pru!
- Oh, my God.
Zeke, what?
Wow, Todd. Do you
know about your face?
Yes. I blacked out earlier
and apparently some hoodlums
drew penile
phalluses on my face.
Sorry about that. Is Pru here?
Uh, I don't know where she is.
And now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go make
sick out of both ends.
Zeke.
Pru.
♪♪♪
[crowd cheering]
- [back cracks]
- [groans]
TRIG: Wow. [Slow clapping]
Well, I have to say thank
you for those seats.
We got a great view of you
going soft in front of everyone.
- [laughter]
- Let's go, boys.
We got a bounty
hunter on our tail.
Bye, Dad.
Dingus?
Oh, my God. So awkward.
[sighs]
[Prudence giggles]
[both shush]
[whispers] Okay, no, wait.
I have to go this time.
Okay, just wait.
- Okay, go.
- Okay. Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
God, I love this holiday.
[humming "You're
a Grand Old Flag"]
[horse nickers]
Benny. Um,
what are you doing
up at this hour?
I could ask the same
thing of you, Rev.
Um, are you... You
going somewhere?
I sure am. Far away from here.
I made a big mistake tonight,
and it's your fault.
How... how is it my fault?
'Cause you made me soft!
All your stupid "love
thy neighbour" crap
must've rubbed off on
me, and it made me weak.
No, Benny, that...
That is not weakness.
That's strength.
That means deep down inside,
you are a good person.
Don't say that! I'm Benny
the Teen, god damn it!
The meanest son of
a bitch there is.
And nobody can take
that away from me.
But, no, I mean, you
can't just leave us!
We'll never get to
Oregon without you.
That's not my problem.
Maybe you haven't heard.
I'm a bad guy.
MARTHA: Is that Benny?
What is going on out here?
We're [bleep].
♪♪♪
Glorious, isn't she?
Kinda looks like a turd to me.
And not a solid turd, either.
Just a sad loosey.
It is not a sad loosey.
Independence Rock marks the
halfway point of our journey.
If we can make it there
by the 4th of July
it means we're on track to
get to Oregon before winter.
That's tomorrow.
We'll never make that.
We may not make it in one piece,
but I'll get us there in time.
Strap in.
It's about to get bumpy.
♪♪♪
- [reins snap]
- Hyah!
Y'all hang on tight, Rev.
[oxen moo]
You do realise we're still going
incredibly slowly, right?
These oxen are
really humming now.
I mean, we can only be going, uh
four, five miles an hour, tops.
Stay with me, baby!
Yeah, I'm probably just
gonna get out and walk.
See you guys at
Independence Rock, I guess.
BENNY: Yee-haw!
[theme music plays]
♪♪♪
Isn't it wonderful? All
these brave pioneers
taking a break from the trail
to celebrate our
great nation by...
Gettin' drunk!
[loud clattering]
All right, come on!
Who's ready for some ale pong?
I'm trying to get
blackout by breakfast.
Farmer John, you're up first.
Come on, bitch.
Hit me with another buffalo
slider, Granny McGill.
A little early to be
hitting the red meat, no?
I usually spend 4th
of July with Zeke,
but he's in his honeymoon
wagon with Phaedra,
leaving me to eat my feelings.
In that case, make it two.
Oh, yeah? What's your problem?
I'm just bummed that Trig
never wants to
see me ever again.
You know, in some ways,
the emotional hurt
is worse than the bullets
she put in my back.
Well, no. The bullets
were actually much worse.
I still have one lodged in
my spine that's sheer agony.
Hey, Uncle Benny!
Will you take us
around the fair?
Okay, squirt, I
keep telling you...
I'm not Uncle Benny.
I'm Benny the Teen,
the most feared outlaw alive.
Please?
CHILDREN: Please?
All right, you win.
But if I hear one word about
balloon hats, I'll shoot you.
[giggles] Yes!
Oh, Zeke!
- [sighs]
- Happy 4th.
Mm. Happy 4th to you, too.
Whoo. Don't get too excited.
I'm sorry, I am just exhausted.
Phaedra and I have been
going at it all night.
Oh, don't paint
the whole picture.
No, no, it's not
that. We were praying.
And don't get me wrong...
I like praying as much as
the next God-fearing man.
Twice a day, maybe three times
if I have a snack in the middle.
But I just wish there
was something else
we could connect on, you know?
Well, hey, why don't you
just forget about all that?
Okay, this is our
favourite holiday!
Let's go get into some
classic Prudence/Zeke hijinks.
- Hey, that's a great idea.
- Yeah.
- And I'll bring Phaedra.
- Oh, um...
This is what we can connect on.
I mean, who can resist
the magic of July the 4th?
You know, I kinda just meant,
like, a you and me thing.
I'm gonna go tell her right now.
This is awesome. Pru,
thank you so much.
Granny, make it a double.
- Aw.
- Damn it!
This stupid game is rigged!
Better luck next time.
Give me the bear.
Do it.
- Here you go.
- Yay!
Thanks, Uncle Benny!
Ah, you're welcome.
No sudden moves.
'Cause someone's
getting a hug! Ooh!
I missed you.
Is this how you kill people?
Oh, no. I'm not
bounty hunting today.
It's a national holiday.
Some union thing.
Who's that, Uncle Benny?
Hey, little guy.
I'm an enemy of
your Uncle Benny's.
It's my job to hunt
him down and kill him
because he's the most
wanted man in the country
and he deserves to rot in hell!
Even if everyone here
is going gaga for Trig.
Wait, Trig is here?
Oh, yeah. She's
doing some big heist.
It's part of this crazy
crime spree she's on.
It's so stupid.
[chuckles] Yeah.
Stupid. [Laughs]
Well, maybe I should just
check it out, though, right?
Just see what all
the fuss is about.
Hey, kids. You want to check
out an active crime scene?
Yay!
PRUDENCE: Ah, so much to do!
We could carve our names
into Independence Rock.
Ooh, look! There's
a meet-and-greet
with Uncle Sam in his
White House Wonderland.
What sounds good to
you? Uh, all of it.
What do you think, Phaedra?
Oh, um, sorry. What
was the question?
I'm just so confused
by this sandwich.
Right, yes. No, you want a more
perpendicular entry, dear.
- This?
- Ah, no.
Like, turn it on its axis.
The other axis.
Rotate it, like...
I'm sorry, I just...
I don't get this.
Or any of this. I
mean, what exactly
are we celebrating here?
The pursuit of happiness?
Happiness is an indulgence
that should be run away from.
Oh, no, you're just not
seeing it the right way.
When I was at the
orphanage growing up,
I used to make an American flag
out of a dirty old pillowcase.
And I'd wave it around
and pretend I was in
the Land of the Free.
Ezekiel, you're not a
patriot, are you?
- Well...
- Because the man I married
loves God, not America.
Sorry, no. A patriot. Yes.
Um, no, I'm not that.
[scoffs] No.
Boo, America!
What are you talking about?
You're like the biggest
patriot I know...
Ah! No, no, no, no, I'm not.
I might have experimented
with patriotism in college,
but that was just a phase.
You know what we should do?
We should protest
this sick holiday.
Haa...
Wouldn't that be righteous?
Yes.
Wonderful idea, dear.
[laughs]
Well, at least it's
something we can connect on.
Sorry.
This is too many hot dogs.
[people clamouring]
You... you took
everything from us.
You're a monster!
Oh, that's so sweet!
Thank you for coming
to the robbery.
Everyone, really, thank you.
People are really
freaked out by Trig?
Dad?
Okay, what part of "I never
want to see you again"
don't you understand?
God, you're like obsessed
with me or something.
I'm not here to see
you. I'll have you know,
I'm here on important business.
Uncle Benny? I have to potty.
Levi, you're killin'
me! You just went potty!
Does cholera give you
a tiny bladder, too?
Oh, my God, your new
gang seems pretty tough.
[laughter]
Yeah, well, sorry to
steal the spotlight,
but these folks now have
a real bad guy to worry about!
Get 'em up!
Um, I'm sorry.
Who are you again?
Benny the Teen.
Oh! Right!
Yeah, I think my parents
were scared of you.
Would you mind if I go back
to being robbed by Trig?
Sorry, Benny. Looks
like I'm new hotness,
and you're an old has-been.
- CROWD: Oh! Ooh!
- BENNY: All right, laugh it up.
This isn't the last you've
seen of Benny the Teen,
not by a long shot!
Let's go potty.
♪♪♪
Can you believe
that people would deface
this perfectly good rock
with this graffiti?
"W.H. Collins and Co."?
More like, "Erase You..."
"[chuckling] Company," yeah.
And erase you!
And erase you. Psst!
Zeke!
Pru, what are you doing
here? What does it look like?
I'm busting you out
of here. Let's go.
[gasps] What in
George Washington's
green earth are you doing?
We are returning this rock
to the way God made it,
you disgusting patriots.
Oh, no. No, you did not.
You need to take that
flat, rat-tail pompadour
and pack it up,
Bena-bitch Arnold.
- [others chuckle]
- Ezekiel!
Did you hear what he
just said to your wife?
Yes.
Defend my honour.
Right, um... PHAEDRA: Yes.
[Zeke clears throat]
You guys are bad.
Good start.
Now elaborate.
I think that America is
dumb and
red, white, and blue
are ugly, ugly colours.
And all you patriots should
[flatly] go back to England.
Oh, now, you done did it.
You're right, Thomas.
It's not worth it.
You don't feed the trolls.
Come on, let's go.
Good job, dear.
You really showed those
flag-wavers who's boss.
You're right, this is horrible.
I have to get out of here.
Wow, yeah, you have to
be honest with Phaedra
and tell her that
you love America.
Yeah, I could do that.
Or, I could lie to her
and live a completely
separate double life
behind her back.
Sure. Equally healthy option.
I'm probably gonna do that one.
All right, um...
bye, sweetheart!
Just going off
for a quick break.
- Okay.
- Just a normal break,
doing normal things for
a normal amount of time.
- She doesn't care. Let's go.
- Okay. The lie worked!
BENNY: I'm washed up?
I'll show them who's washed up.
- What are we doing here?
- Come on, kids!
We need to come up with
something really bad
that Uncle Benny can
do, on short notice!
Emma! Get your head in the game!
I'm gonna need you to
stop eating the grass,
- and focus.
- This is boring.
Can we go see Uncle Sam?
I'm trying to come up
with my big comeback here!
We're not meeting
Uncle Sam! Please?
He's the coolest,
bestest guy in the world.
He is, huh?
The rest of you feel that way?
Then I suppose it
would be pretty bad
if something were
to happen to him?
Yeah, really bad.
Interesting.
All right, let's
go meet Uncle Sam.
Yay!
[evil laugh]
Why are you laughing so evilly?
Shut up, Levi. No
one likes a narc.
Game! Bam! Drink
up, Farmer John.
[laughs] That's right.
Todd Aberdeen's back on top.
Yes, I may have shat my
pants on multiple occasions,
but at least I can still
dominate at ale pong.
Ooh, ale pong?
Oh, I've always wanted
to try. Can I play?
Sure, if you don't mind
getting your butt whooped.
- What?
- That was fun!
Oh, can we play again?
Yeah, okay, just...
Rack 'em up.
Bitch.
[patriotic music plays]
[indistinct cheering]
Lib-er-ty! Lib-er-ty!
Can you believe
this is the most fun
I've had on my honeymoon
and my wife isn't even here?
Hey, I get it. The
highlight of my honeymoon
was the night Todd
passed out early
and I ate a whole
cake in the tub.
I just... I thought marriage
would be different, you know?
I thought it'd be
fun, and adventures
and, I don't know, fireworks.
I guess we don't always end up
with our fireworks person.
♪♪♪
PATRIOTIC MAN: Uh-oh,
stop the parade!
- Whoa.
- Troll alert.
Look out, everybody.
Whoop whoop!
I am so terribly sorry
about what I said
to you earlier.
The truth is, that
wasn't me at all.
I actually love the 4th of July.
I... knew it!
My USA-dar is flawless!
Now come on, and get your
tushies on this float!
Let's do it.
UNCLE SAM: Nice to
meet you, little Levi.
Now tell Uncle Sam, what's
your 4th of July wish?
I wish for a cure for my polio,
and rickets, and
scurvy, and measles...
Uh, I'll see what I can do.
And Levi, I want you
to have a happy 4th of July.
[polite laugh] All
right. There you go.
Great wishes, kids.
All right, now,
I need you to wait outside.
I'm gonna have a little
word with Uncle Sam.
Off you go.
Get along, little doggies.
[chuckles]
Here's the deal.
I need to pull off an
unspeakably heinous crime
to outdo my daughter, and
long story short, I
need to kidnap you.
- Oh.
- Yeah, I know, it sucks.
I hope you take it as
a compliment, though.
- I understand.
- Good.
And I hope you
understand that Uncle Sam
doesn't go down without a fight!
[growls]
[growling, objects breaking]
- [growling, objects breaking]
- [coughs]
How are you so jacked?
I want you... to die!
Ooh!
- [grunts]
- [crowd gasps]
[groaning]
Ah, don't worry, kids.
Sam's just taking a little nap.
Hey, help me drag
his body out of here.
Yeah! I friggin'
love you, America,
and I don't care who knows it!
Yas, honey! You better crown
that good with brotherhood!
- Ezekiel!
- Aah!
What are you doing up there?
Um, this isn't what
it looks like. I'm...
Look, Phaedra,
I want to be a good
husband to you.
But that also means
being honest with you.
I love America.
I know this must come
as a huge shock to you
but I really hope you can
find some way of accepting it
because it... it is a
huge part of who I am.
I absolutely do not accept that.
That part of you makes
me sick and revolted
and the fact that we are
even having this conversation
makes me want to throw
myself off a cliff.
Now get off that
float immediately.
Yes, dear.
Yikes. That's a hard attitude
to move forward from.
Zeke, wait.
Haven't you done
enough harm already?
Go back to your own husband.
Go.
Excuse me, ma'am? I'm so sorry,
but I think I may have
killed your husband.
[burps]
And, uh, not to pile on,
but I think he shit his pants.
He shit his pants.
Happy 4th.
Step this way, guys.
All right, I got you all
the best seat in the house.
Uh, thanks, but we really
don't have time for fireworks.
We got back-to-back
heists tomorrow.
Trust me. You're not
gonna want to miss this.
It's gonna be a real explosion.
Mm, yeah. That's what
fireworks do. They explode.
Just watch, please.
[sighs]
Fireworks!
ALL CHANTING:
Fireworks! Fireworks!
Folks, folks, folks,
folks! I got some bad news.
Uncle Sam is not
gonna be introducing
the fireworks show.
- [groaning]
- Because...
- [drumroll]
- he is the fireworks show.
I want you
to help me!
Boy, you get a lot of mileage
out of that line, don't you?
That's right, folks!
Benny the Teen is gonna
blow up Uncle Sam,
- on the 4th of July.
- [crowd clamouring]
Now who's the baddest
outlaw in town?
Damn. That is cold-blooded.
Ooh. [Chuckles]
Whoo!
You're not really gonna
blow up Uncle Sam, are you?
Yeah, actually, I am.
[whimpers]
Why?
Because I need to
be back on top.
If I'm not the number
one outlaw in town,
then, I'm nobody.
That's not true.
You're my Uncle
Benny. I love you.
Damn you, Levi.
How dare you melt my
heart at a time like this?
[giggles]
All right, hold on, Sam.
I'm coming for you.
[whimpering]
- Oh!
- Come on.
Jump!
♪♪♪
PHAEDRA: Ezekiel!
I can't believe it. My
own husband, a patriot.
But there is still hope.
We are going to
pray the USA away.
All night, if we have to.
Are you sure we can't just
watch the fireworks first?
Absolutely not.
Watching rockets being
shot off into the sky
is a literal assault on heaven.
Dear God, let apple pie
be like ash in his mouth.
I'm gonna get my fireworks.
In fact, make him a cake guy.
Vanilla only, obviously.
Prudence!
- Pru!
- Oh, my God.
Zeke, what?
Wow, Todd. Do you
know about your face?
Yes. I blacked out earlier
and apparently some hoodlums
drew penile
phalluses on my face.
Sorry about that. Is Pru here?
Uh, I don't know where she is.
And now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go make
sick out of both ends.
Zeke.
Pru.
♪♪♪
[crowd cheering]
- [back cracks]
- [groans]
TRIG: Wow. [Slow clapping]
Well, I have to say thank
you for those seats.
We got a great view of you
going soft in front of everyone.
- [laughter]
- Let's go, boys.
We got a bounty
hunter on our tail.
Bye, Dad.
Dingus?
Oh, my God. So awkward.
[sighs]
[Prudence giggles]
[both shush]
[whispers] Okay, no, wait.
I have to go this time.
Okay, just wait.
- Okay, go.
- Okay. Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
God, I love this holiday.
[humming "You're
a Grand Old Flag"]
[horse nickers]
Benny. Um,
what are you doing
up at this hour?
I could ask the same
thing of you, Rev.
Um, are you... You
going somewhere?
I sure am. Far away from here.
I made a big mistake tonight,
and it's your fault.
How... how is it my fault?
'Cause you made me soft!
All your stupid "love
thy neighbour" crap
must've rubbed off on
me, and it made me weak.
No, Benny, that...
That is not weakness.
That's strength.
That means deep down inside,
you are a good person.
Don't say that! I'm Benny
the Teen, god damn it!
The meanest son of
a bitch there is.
And nobody can take
that away from me.
But, no, I mean, you
can't just leave us!
We'll never get to
Oregon without you.
That's not my problem.
Maybe you haven't heard.
I'm a bad guy.
MARTHA: Is that Benny?
What is going on out here?
We're [bleep].
♪♪♪