Miracle Workers (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 8 - Dark Ages: First Date - full transcript
Sit and I'll sing you some lore
Of a prince and a peasant of yore
Despite family name,
two friends they became
Who knows
what their fate has in store ?
The meet at the castle each day
Together, they laugh,
and they play
They take lots of walks
and share lots of talks
They're spending an excessive
amount of time together
But really, like, what's going on ?
He seems into her, but he's weird
What's he doing there ?
You see, with his hand ?
Yikes, this is so hard to watch
She's also not helping things much
Look how she's punching his arm
Is she trying to flirt ?
Oh, look, now he's hurt
She's punched him too hard
in the arm
And so that's the tale
of a star-crossed pair
Or are they just
two normal friends ?
Clarity would be nice
for everyone involved
In terms of knowing
how to proceed with more verses
In terms of knowing how to proceed...
Can you stop singing ? I can hear
you, and it's really unnerving.
I don't tell you
how to do your job.
- Who is even paying you to do this ?
- I'm independently wealthy.
...with more verses.
MIRACLE WORKERS
DARK AGES
I'm impressed you knew how to build
one of these star-tracking devices.
- What is it called again ?
- It's an astrolabe.
It's been really fun
working on this with you.
As we're on the topic of space
and time, I was wondering
if you had any plans this Saturday.
I'm not doing anything. Why ?
I saw this, actually. An astronomer's
giving a lecture right here.
- I wondered if you'd like to go.
- Yeah, I'd love to.
I shall plan to pick you
at your place
for our Saturday
hanging-out session.
- Awesome. We'll see you then.
- Yeah.
Gotcha.
Oh, buddy.
Lord Vexler ? Do you have
an opinion on something ?
I'd just be careful. Matters
of the heart can get complicated.
Oh, Vexler. I'm no stranger
to matters of the heart.
I was engaged before, remember ?
To Princess Isabella.
Your fathers were trying
to form a political alliance
and you were both babies.
I would have wed her happily had she
not been carried off by that hawk.
Don't get too invested.
Relationships between peasants
and princes never work.
You're from different worlds.
Who cares about that nonsense ?
No, we get along,
we have fun together, we're about
to go on a wonderful first date.
- Is it a date ?
- Of course it is.
Does she know that ?
Did you say it explicitly ?
I thought it was implied.
I said, Farmer Greg, you can say it
is a potato until the cows come home,
but my cryin' eyes says
it's an onion.
He honored the coupon after that.
Six o'clock. Time for the news.
Hello and thank you for tuning in
to "Mad Jane,"
your most watched and trusted
source for the news of the day.
- Can we turn it up a bit ?
- Speak louder.
The crisis on the border continues !
A caravan of Druids has been spotted
crossing into Lower Murkford,
the Druids depicted here.
How many Druids does it take
to screw in a wall torch ?
Ten. One to screw it in, the rest
to rob your house while it's dark.
One to screw it in...
That's rich.
Nuts !
Need a hand ?
Yeah.
Okay. Thanks.
I don't believe we've met before.
I'm Eddie.
- I'm Lila. I just moved here.
- Welcome to the neighborhood.
Thanks. I'll be right here if
you need more roadside assistance.
That's rich.
If you ever want to grab a beer,
me and my buddies are usually
hanging out at the tavern.
- Stop on by. We're a friendly bunch.
- I would love to. Thanks, Eddie.
Well, alright, then.
Druid-aaa...
Looking forward to that beer,
Eddie. Thanks again for the invite.
- Maggie. How do I look ?
- Like you're going on a date.
- It's not necessarily a date.
- Shouldn't you already know ?
He's hard to read. I can't tell
if he's sweating because he likes me
or because body
can't regulate his temperature.
- Do you want it to be a date ?
- I'm open to the possibility.
I'm sick of this already.
Thanks again for inviting me.
This will be fun.
You and me finally
going out on a scientific lecture.
- Two, please.
- We're having a lover's special.
Admission is three coins for
couples or two apiece for singles.
Right. Let's see.
So what'll it be ? One lover's
special or two singles ?
- Is there a third option ?
- No.
Two singles, please.
Thanks for paying.
I'll grab the next one.
No problem. Thank you.
So, here we are.
The big talk.
Something tells me
it's going to be out of this world.
Get it ? Out of this world ?
Because the nature of the talk
is astronomical or out of this world.
- Nice.
- Thanks.
Hi, everyone.
- Who's that ?
- I'm Archie Cosmos.
Are we in the right room ?
Science can feel pretty technical,
but I'm gonna try and keep things fun.
And who knows ? My talk might
even be out of this world.
And so, in conclusion,
that is why stars twinkle.
- I've always wondered about that.
- Okay, any questions ?
Why don't you look
like your picture ?
It was actually painted
by the blind artist of Gabagool.
It's a terrible likeness.
The artist was blind,
so it's pretty good, considering.
Thank you so much for your time.
May the North Star guide you always.
Right. So, shall we get going ?
When else are we gonna get a chance
to talk to an astronomer ? Let's go.
We really enjoyed your talk.
Especially what you said
about celestial rotation.
I've always believed
the Earth revolves around the...
- Sun. Yes, exactly.
- I'm glad I'm not the only one.
And the moon. It's also up there.
That's so true. Good call, man.
It's up there, for sure.
This is really embarrassing, but
would you mind signing our astrolabe ?
That is a beaut.
Who should I make it out to ?
- Al and Chauncley.
- Toghether.
If you want to test that thing out,
my calculations tell me
that Laslo's Comet will be passing
tonight.
I've scoped out this point
at the top of Chicken Neck Hill
if you and your husband
want to join.
- We're not married. We're friends.
- We are unwedded friends.
- You're welcome to join as friends.
- That'd be great.
- Al and Chauncley.
- Yeah.
I've got one. What's gray and furry
and looks good on a Druid's neck ?
A hungry wolf !
Because it is eating the Druid.
But they're not all bad.
- Some are even good, maybe.
- What's up with you today ?
- Nothing. Just forget it.
- Speak of the devil.
You have something
you want to say to me ?
Relax.
We're just having fun, right, Eddie ?
Well-played, everyone.
Right, Eddie ?
As an explorer,
do you get to travel a lot ?
My work takes me to the four
corners of the world regularly.
I'm a bit of a world traveler
myself. A rolling stone.
Going wherever
the good wind takes me.
Nice. I'm always looking for travel
"recs." What's your favorite spot ?
The Pretty Little
Princess Mandrake Beach Resort.
I'm friendly with the concierge.
I could probably get you a "rez."
It's not really my style.
I sort of prefer to rough it.
- You ever traveled, Al ?
- My family's all shit shovelers.
- Vacations seemed out of reach.
- I totally get it.
I'm from a lower-income background.
My parents are puke-moppers.
One day, I decided to take
control of my own destiny,
set off into the world,
consequences be damned.
I even changed my name
from Pukemopper to Cosmos,
that's how far I dare to dream.
This is an eagle feather. I wear it
as a reminder to fly free
until I find my destiny. Take it.
Till you find your own.
Thank you.
And here is some money.
Take it.
Till you find your own.
This makes me feel weird.
- What do you want ?
- A little housewarming gift.
Fresh rock sprouts
from my garden.
If you're trying to make up for
what happened, it's not gonna work.
Are you talking about my friends ?
They're just joking around.
- They're nice folks.
- They seem like a bunch of jerks.
And if you hang out with them,
you seem like one, too.
Word of advice. You can make things
a lot easier on yourself here
if you just left the whole Druid
getup at home.
I don't mind it, but it does
draw a bit of attention.
Go fuck yourself.
- I've never seen stars like this.
- It's pretty amazing, huh ?
It reminds me of how small
we are, how fleeting life is.
That's why we need to take
advantage of every moment.
That's true.
It's getting rather chilly.
We should head back soon.
- We can catch the comet next time.
- It's not for another 87 years.
- We haven't had our second supper.
- I've got us covered. Voila !
- Nice ! Smells so good.
- It's a gift from a trader in Verona.
Is this
a cut-your-own-meat situation ?
- I'll get that for you.
- No. I am a man of the world.
I think I can handle this,
thank you.
Cheers.
He's choking.
I learned this trick
from the Healing Monks of Meru.
- Chauncley, are you okay ?
- Yes. I'll be back in a moment.
- I have done a little pee-pee.
- Shall I come ?
- No ! I just need a moment alone.
- Okay.
It's fine. You're fine.
Everything's fine.
You like her, and she likes you,
Doodely-doodely-doodely-doo.
There you are. You've song a little
song. Now you feel better.
I was not expecting another
anti-Druid punch line.
I'm starting to get
sick of these jokes.
- Chill out, Eddie !
- You chill out ! I have a joke.
How many of you guys does it take
to screw in a wall torch ?
Ten. One to screw it in and
the rest to be a bunch of jerks.
I don't like it when
that joke is directed at us.
- Again ?
- Sorry.
They wouldn't let me in
at the gate.
You must've been removed
from the list.
What happened to you last night ?
You just disappeared. I was worried.
- Not that worried, apparently.
- Is this about Archie ?
It has nothing to do with him.
I'd already forgotten about him.
- Then why are you being so weird ?
- I'm being realistic.
Maybe we weren't meant
to be friends.
- What are you talking about ?
- I am the crown prince.
You are a peasant. We're
from two different worlds.
- That's a childish point of view.
- It's not childish !
Furthermore, I'm good, you're bad.
I'm pretty, you're ugly.
I'm clean, and you stink.
Eddie, thanks for sticking up for me
at the tavern last night.
- How'd you know I did that ?
- I used my Druid magic.
- You Druids are something else.
- I'm joking.
- I'm friends with the bartender.
- That's rich !
Let's go grab a beer.
- Guys, this is my friend, Lila.
- Hey.
- Do Druids, like, eat babies ?
- Gladys, come on.
We do not eat babies,
and that's offensive.
Sorry.
I love your hair. Can I touch it ?
What ? I can't say that ?
I'm just interested.
Sorry. This is gonna take us
some time to figure out.
This just in. An update
on the Druid invasion.
Mad Jane, can you switch
to something else ? Right ?
Welcome to the "Mad Jane
Home Shopping Hour".
For three easy payments, you can
own this necklace of my baby teeth.
Daddy like.
That flickering orb's Venus.
It's the brightest object in the sky.
No. Away from the castle.
Ah, you see ?
Looks cool.
Damn it.
The prince finally had his shot,
But he handled things totally wrong,
He messed up all week
in a number of ways,
And now I will list them in song.
That's not necessary.
First, there was
that thing with the lecture
That should have been a home run
It would have been great,
if he'd called it a date,
Man, did he fuck that one up.
There wasn't even a rhyme !
Another thing that he fucked up
Was the basic act of trying to chew,
He choked on some meat
and turned white as a sheet,
It's impossible
to bounce back from that.
- Are you finished ?
- Almost.
So that's the tale
of the star-crossed pair,
The moral is that the prince sucks.
Now Al is in love
with a much cooler dude
And Prince Chauncley's alone
with his ducks.
Don't encourage him, guys.
Traitors !
MIRACLE WORKERS
DARK AGES
Of a prince and a peasant of yore
Despite family name,
two friends they became
Who knows
what their fate has in store ?
The meet at the castle each day
Together, they laugh,
and they play
They take lots of walks
and share lots of talks
They're spending an excessive
amount of time together
But really, like, what's going on ?
He seems into her, but he's weird
What's he doing there ?
You see, with his hand ?
Yikes, this is so hard to watch
She's also not helping things much
Look how she's punching his arm
Is she trying to flirt ?
Oh, look, now he's hurt
She's punched him too hard
in the arm
And so that's the tale
of a star-crossed pair
Or are they just
two normal friends ?
Clarity would be nice
for everyone involved
In terms of knowing
how to proceed with more verses
In terms of knowing how to proceed...
Can you stop singing ? I can hear
you, and it's really unnerving.
I don't tell you
how to do your job.
- Who is even paying you to do this ?
- I'm independently wealthy.
...with more verses.
MIRACLE WORKERS
DARK AGES
I'm impressed you knew how to build
one of these star-tracking devices.
- What is it called again ?
- It's an astrolabe.
It's been really fun
working on this with you.
As we're on the topic of space
and time, I was wondering
if you had any plans this Saturday.
I'm not doing anything. Why ?
I saw this, actually. An astronomer's
giving a lecture right here.
- I wondered if you'd like to go.
- Yeah, I'd love to.
I shall plan to pick you
at your place
for our Saturday
hanging-out session.
- Awesome. We'll see you then.
- Yeah.
Gotcha.
Oh, buddy.
Lord Vexler ? Do you have
an opinion on something ?
I'd just be careful. Matters
of the heart can get complicated.
Oh, Vexler. I'm no stranger
to matters of the heart.
I was engaged before, remember ?
To Princess Isabella.
Your fathers were trying
to form a political alliance
and you were both babies.
I would have wed her happily had she
not been carried off by that hawk.
Don't get too invested.
Relationships between peasants
and princes never work.
You're from different worlds.
Who cares about that nonsense ?
No, we get along,
we have fun together, we're about
to go on a wonderful first date.
- Is it a date ?
- Of course it is.
Does she know that ?
Did you say it explicitly ?
I thought it was implied.
I said, Farmer Greg, you can say it
is a potato until the cows come home,
but my cryin' eyes says
it's an onion.
He honored the coupon after that.
Six o'clock. Time for the news.
Hello and thank you for tuning in
to "Mad Jane,"
your most watched and trusted
source for the news of the day.
- Can we turn it up a bit ?
- Speak louder.
The crisis on the border continues !
A caravan of Druids has been spotted
crossing into Lower Murkford,
the Druids depicted here.
How many Druids does it take
to screw in a wall torch ?
Ten. One to screw it in, the rest
to rob your house while it's dark.
One to screw it in...
That's rich.
Nuts !
Need a hand ?
Yeah.
Okay. Thanks.
I don't believe we've met before.
I'm Eddie.
- I'm Lila. I just moved here.
- Welcome to the neighborhood.
Thanks. I'll be right here if
you need more roadside assistance.
That's rich.
If you ever want to grab a beer,
me and my buddies are usually
hanging out at the tavern.
- Stop on by. We're a friendly bunch.
- I would love to. Thanks, Eddie.
Well, alright, then.
Druid-aaa...
Looking forward to that beer,
Eddie. Thanks again for the invite.
- Maggie. How do I look ?
- Like you're going on a date.
- It's not necessarily a date.
- Shouldn't you already know ?
He's hard to read. I can't tell
if he's sweating because he likes me
or because body
can't regulate his temperature.
- Do you want it to be a date ?
- I'm open to the possibility.
I'm sick of this already.
Thanks again for inviting me.
This will be fun.
You and me finally
going out on a scientific lecture.
- Two, please.
- We're having a lover's special.
Admission is three coins for
couples or two apiece for singles.
Right. Let's see.
So what'll it be ? One lover's
special or two singles ?
- Is there a third option ?
- No.
Two singles, please.
Thanks for paying.
I'll grab the next one.
No problem. Thank you.
So, here we are.
The big talk.
Something tells me
it's going to be out of this world.
Get it ? Out of this world ?
Because the nature of the talk
is astronomical or out of this world.
- Nice.
- Thanks.
Hi, everyone.
- Who's that ?
- I'm Archie Cosmos.
Are we in the right room ?
Science can feel pretty technical,
but I'm gonna try and keep things fun.
And who knows ? My talk might
even be out of this world.
And so, in conclusion,
that is why stars twinkle.
- I've always wondered about that.
- Okay, any questions ?
Why don't you look
like your picture ?
It was actually painted
by the blind artist of Gabagool.
It's a terrible likeness.
The artist was blind,
so it's pretty good, considering.
Thank you so much for your time.
May the North Star guide you always.
Right. So, shall we get going ?
When else are we gonna get a chance
to talk to an astronomer ? Let's go.
We really enjoyed your talk.
Especially what you said
about celestial rotation.
I've always believed
the Earth revolves around the...
- Sun. Yes, exactly.
- I'm glad I'm not the only one.
And the moon. It's also up there.
That's so true. Good call, man.
It's up there, for sure.
This is really embarrassing, but
would you mind signing our astrolabe ?
That is a beaut.
Who should I make it out to ?
- Al and Chauncley.
- Toghether.
If you want to test that thing out,
my calculations tell me
that Laslo's Comet will be passing
tonight.
I've scoped out this point
at the top of Chicken Neck Hill
if you and your husband
want to join.
- We're not married. We're friends.
- We are unwedded friends.
- You're welcome to join as friends.
- That'd be great.
- Al and Chauncley.
- Yeah.
I've got one. What's gray and furry
and looks good on a Druid's neck ?
A hungry wolf !
Because it is eating the Druid.
But they're not all bad.
- Some are even good, maybe.
- What's up with you today ?
- Nothing. Just forget it.
- Speak of the devil.
You have something
you want to say to me ?
Relax.
We're just having fun, right, Eddie ?
Well-played, everyone.
Right, Eddie ?
As an explorer,
do you get to travel a lot ?
My work takes me to the four
corners of the world regularly.
I'm a bit of a world traveler
myself. A rolling stone.
Going wherever
the good wind takes me.
Nice. I'm always looking for travel
"recs." What's your favorite spot ?
The Pretty Little
Princess Mandrake Beach Resort.
I'm friendly with the concierge.
I could probably get you a "rez."
It's not really my style.
I sort of prefer to rough it.
- You ever traveled, Al ?
- My family's all shit shovelers.
- Vacations seemed out of reach.
- I totally get it.
I'm from a lower-income background.
My parents are puke-moppers.
One day, I decided to take
control of my own destiny,
set off into the world,
consequences be damned.
I even changed my name
from Pukemopper to Cosmos,
that's how far I dare to dream.
This is an eagle feather. I wear it
as a reminder to fly free
until I find my destiny. Take it.
Till you find your own.
Thank you.
And here is some money.
Take it.
Till you find your own.
This makes me feel weird.
- What do you want ?
- A little housewarming gift.
Fresh rock sprouts
from my garden.
If you're trying to make up for
what happened, it's not gonna work.
Are you talking about my friends ?
They're just joking around.
- They're nice folks.
- They seem like a bunch of jerks.
And if you hang out with them,
you seem like one, too.
Word of advice. You can make things
a lot easier on yourself here
if you just left the whole Druid
getup at home.
I don't mind it, but it does
draw a bit of attention.
Go fuck yourself.
- I've never seen stars like this.
- It's pretty amazing, huh ?
It reminds me of how small
we are, how fleeting life is.
That's why we need to take
advantage of every moment.
That's true.
It's getting rather chilly.
We should head back soon.
- We can catch the comet next time.
- It's not for another 87 years.
- We haven't had our second supper.
- I've got us covered. Voila !
- Nice ! Smells so good.
- It's a gift from a trader in Verona.
Is this
a cut-your-own-meat situation ?
- I'll get that for you.
- No. I am a man of the world.
I think I can handle this,
thank you.
Cheers.
He's choking.
I learned this trick
from the Healing Monks of Meru.
- Chauncley, are you okay ?
- Yes. I'll be back in a moment.
- I have done a little pee-pee.
- Shall I come ?
- No ! I just need a moment alone.
- Okay.
It's fine. You're fine.
Everything's fine.
You like her, and she likes you,
Doodely-doodely-doodely-doo.
There you are. You've song a little
song. Now you feel better.
I was not expecting another
anti-Druid punch line.
I'm starting to get
sick of these jokes.
- Chill out, Eddie !
- You chill out ! I have a joke.
How many of you guys does it take
to screw in a wall torch ?
Ten. One to screw it in and
the rest to be a bunch of jerks.
I don't like it when
that joke is directed at us.
- Again ?
- Sorry.
They wouldn't let me in
at the gate.
You must've been removed
from the list.
What happened to you last night ?
You just disappeared. I was worried.
- Not that worried, apparently.
- Is this about Archie ?
It has nothing to do with him.
I'd already forgotten about him.
- Then why are you being so weird ?
- I'm being realistic.
Maybe we weren't meant
to be friends.
- What are you talking about ?
- I am the crown prince.
You are a peasant. We're
from two different worlds.
- That's a childish point of view.
- It's not childish !
Furthermore, I'm good, you're bad.
I'm pretty, you're ugly.
I'm clean, and you stink.
Eddie, thanks for sticking up for me
at the tavern last night.
- How'd you know I did that ?
- I used my Druid magic.
- You Druids are something else.
- I'm joking.
- I'm friends with the bartender.
- That's rich !
Let's go grab a beer.
- Guys, this is my friend, Lila.
- Hey.
- Do Druids, like, eat babies ?
- Gladys, come on.
We do not eat babies,
and that's offensive.
Sorry.
I love your hair. Can I touch it ?
What ? I can't say that ?
I'm just interested.
Sorry. This is gonna take us
some time to figure out.
This just in. An update
on the Druid invasion.
Mad Jane, can you switch
to something else ? Right ?
Welcome to the "Mad Jane
Home Shopping Hour".
For three easy payments, you can
own this necklace of my baby teeth.
Daddy like.
That flickering orb's Venus.
It's the brightest object in the sky.
No. Away from the castle.
Ah, you see ?
Looks cool.
Damn it.
The prince finally had his shot,
But he handled things totally wrong,
He messed up all week
in a number of ways,
And now I will list them in song.
That's not necessary.
First, there was
that thing with the lecture
That should have been a home run
It would have been great,
if he'd called it a date,
Man, did he fuck that one up.
There wasn't even a rhyme !
Another thing that he fucked up
Was the basic act of trying to chew,
He choked on some meat
and turned white as a sheet,
It's impossible
to bounce back from that.
- Are you finished ?
- Almost.
So that's the tale
of the star-crossed pair,
The moral is that the prince sucks.
Now Al is in love
with a much cooler dude
And Prince Chauncley's alone
with his ducks.
Don't encourage him, guys.
Traitors !
MIRACLE WORKERS
DARK AGES