Minx (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 9 - A scintillating conversation about a lethal pesticide - full transcript
♪ ♪
- You drive me to madness.
- Then let madness
be your medicine.
♪ ♪
Oh, oh!
♪ ♪
Damn it.
I'll get the sewing kit.
Ooh.
Your holiness!
- The lady's mine.
- The lady has a name.
It's Shelly.
- Oh, yeah.
Oh!
both:
- Yes.
- Oh, don't spit
on your brother!
- Your stallion, my queen.
- Tonight, I'll be riding
a young colt.
- ♪ It never rains
in Southern California ♪
♪ Seems I've often heard... ♪
- ♪ That kind of talk before ♪
♪ It never rains
in California ♪
- Okay, okay.
- Did it work?
- Uh...
- Maybe I should just
ask your sister.
- You know I'm not talking
to her right now.
- Or I could ask
"Willy and Franco,"
since the entire
drive-time audience
knows more about my sex life
than I do.
♪ ♪
- Dr. Lambert,
I've got the most awful ache,
only it's not in my tooth.
- I'm a dentist,
Mrs. Lambert.
Sounds like you need
a specialist.
- ♪ I got a situation ♪
♪ Something worth
thinking about ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Should I stay,
hey, hey, hey ♪
♪ Should I move on out ♪
♪ Mm-hmm, got a situation ♪
- So what's
on the agenda for today?
- Oh, well,
I still haven't seen
the "Hand-painted Textiles
by Norwegian Children" exhibit
at The Met.
- Oh, it's a dream.
And next week
there's a production
of "Mourning Becomes Electra"
at the new Circle
in the Square.
- Oh, God, I miss live theater.
- We can see it all.
There's no rush.
LA will always be there.
- Yeah, glaring at me
until it cracks into the sea.
- Brandt, we still have Joyce.
- Good girl.
Give yourself time to recover.
Top off?
- Don't mind if I do.
- All right.
That is distilled.
Taste the difference.
- Thank you.
- Do you want to swing
by the office,
meet me for lunch?
- Oh, God.
No, I have to run
through the Cavett débâcle
a couple hundred more times,
you know?
- Joyce.
- Maggie, I can't show
my face at "Betsy."
- Oh, honey,
don't be intimidated.
It's just another magazine.
- I don't know. I only packed
a couple of outfits.
They're both pretty ripe.
- You have my entire closet.
- We gotta go, sunshine.
- Okay.
- A gentle reminder,
the fashion industry
is the world's second-largest
industrial polluter.
- Please, save me.
- Okay, fine.
Okay, I'll see you there.
Okay.
- I love you.
- You too.
- Okay.
Okay, I'm going, I'm going.
- Bye, bye.
- Bye!
- Bye.
- Mike got us a reservation
at Tavern on the Green,
do you want to go?
- ♪ I want to reach
for the sun ♪
♪ And have some fun ♪
♪ With none of that
looking behind... ♪
- Okay,
genuine Big Apple treasure.
- Fun.
- Right? Tons of fun.
I mean, you can
get these in LA,
but when it's your hometown,
why bother.
Sometimes,
it takes being a tourist,
you know,
to treat yourself.
Take one.
Take--take them all.
They're for you guys.
- Where's Joyce?
- Joyce is just taking
some time
to figure some things out.
- Yeah.
- She's not coming back,
is she?
- It was her decision.
She's a woman with her own mind
and I respect that.
That said, she's probably
at the airport right now
on her way back,
but either way, guys,
we got a magazine
to put to bed.
- How are we going to do that
without Joyce?
- Oh, I don't know,
how did we do
magazines before her?
I seem to remember publishing
a few million without her.
- And she gave us a binder
with all of the content
for issue three,
so we just have
to shoot the centerfold.
- Right.
"The Cow."
- "The Goat."
- Please show a little bit
of respect.
He's a two-time
Super Bowl MVP, Rich.
Okay. And I'm going to bring on
some security for the shoot,
so he knows
he's taken care of.
And he wants to pose
with a topless model.
So could you find one?
- What?
He want--
- O-okay.
Given what we were planning,
she'd have to be
a strong Mrs. Claus
or, I don't know, an elf
fighting for reindeer rights?
- We could cover her butt
with tinsel.
Great.
- So this woman would be there
as an ornament?
- An ornament's fun,
but not one of those,
like, big round ones.
Right?
We want like a sexy one,
like an angel or like
a sexy candy cane, right?
- Doug, this just
doesn't feel like "Minx."
- Okay,
then you don't have to be
the centerfold coordinator
for this shoot.
- You don't have to go now.
Just skip the shoot.
- It's fine.
I know when I'm not wanted.
- Bambi.
- Guys, if she wants to go,
let her go.
Her job didn't exist
six months ago.
She'll be fine.
Okay?
What we need to talk
about is production design.
I got a guy in Azusa
who can get us a sleigh.
What do you got?
Let's work.
♪ ♪
- ♪ A special path
has been... ♪
- Maggie'll be out in a second.
- Okay.
Thank you.
♪ ♪
- Joyce!
- Hi.
- So before we go,
I want you to meet Elayne.
- Oh, God.
Now? No--
- Come on.
It'll be a second.
- Oh.
- Elayne?
I have Joyce Prigger.
- Hello.
It is real--
- I could just ring
that smug Dick Cavett's neck
for what he put you through!
And Victoria should
know better too.
But then again,
she cheats at Scrabble,
so I'm not surprised.
- Oh, God, it's fine.
You know,
it's just national television.
- I told Elayne all about you.
- Yes.
You've had quite a ride.
- Oh, my God.
Where did that come from?
- I kept your debut issue.
Elayne wanted to see it.
- Oh, my God, Maggie.
That is so amateurish.
- I--I found it raw,
but powerful.
- Thank you.
That means--that means a lot.
- You know,
"Minx" is a long way from this.
- Well, the unholy marriage
of art and commerce.
I'm sure you can relate.
- Mm, we're in a bit
of a privileged position
here at "Betsy."
- Mm-hmm.
- Shiny new prestige
publication--
a loss leader for Fairchild.
- They don't expect us
to make a profit.
They just love
the good write-ups.
- What about advertising?
- Oh, we do book
the occasional ad
for a mission-driven nonprofit,
but we don't need it
to pay the rent.
- Wow.
- Joyce, we would love
to invite you in.
Write a piece for us.
You have a fascinating story.
- That is such a good idea.
♪ ♪
She's amazing, isn't she?
Okay,
do you want a quick tour?
- Yes.
- All right.
So our editorial department
lives in here.
Our department's out there,
layouts, hi.
Oh, my favorite--my favorite
is this little research nook.
- Oh, wow.
God, the temperature,
it's so cozy.
- Always set to 74.
And if you get a chill,
shahtooshes,
made from the wool
of Tibetan chiru antelopes.
- Oh, wow.
So I invited some of the ladies
to join us for lunch,
but if you want it
to just be us--
- No, the more the merrier.
- All right, shall we?
Let's--okay, this way.
- Where were we?
- Terms.
- Well, I couldn't
possibly consider
without a full editorial staff.
- Sounds fair to me.
- First-class travel.
- Domestic.
- And international.
If I'm not in Milan
for Fashion Week,
"Minx" will never be relevant
in the style space.
And Halston would love you,
by the way.
- Oh, everybody loves me.
- I like your spunk but you're
not my only date to the dance.
- Yes, I'm sure you have Helen
Gurley Brown in your Rolodex.
- Oh, I do.
- I'm serious.
Listen, you know
how hot "Minx" is
or you wouldn't have
taken this meeting.
I'm about to have the number
one adult mag in the country
and we both know
you want to be a part of that.
So I'll consider your terms,
but as of now,
Milano's on your dime.
- Chocolate tart?
Key lime pie?
- Just the check.
- And that 21-year single malt.
- Coming up.
- I didn't know
where else to go.
There's nothing left for me
to do at Bottom Dollar.
- I'm so sorry, Bambi.
I don't know where Joyce is.
She's on my shit list, in fact.
- I get that you're mad,
but isn't it kind of good,
what happened
with you and Lenny?
I mean, now that he knows
he can't take you to the moon,
at least you can get somewhere.
- What?
Like divorce court?
I tried to apologize,
but we can't seem
to get back on track.
- You just need to re-notch
your groove.
How do you feel about
getting naked in the desert?
- No.
- Okay, so mescaline's out.
- Yeah.
Riunite's as crazy as we get.
- You can get
crazier than that.
What about something sexy?
- I don't do sexy.
- Shelly.
You have the hair of a starlet
and the hips
of a Greek goddess.
- I've seen those statues.
Okay?
They're kind of doughy.
- Dough gets pounded.
- You offered her how much?
- Don't worry about that.
Plus she's gonna be worth
ten times that if she delivers
on half the stuff
she promised.
I mean, with her connections--
- But what salary
did you offer her?
- We're talking about film.
We're talking about fashion.
We're talking about beauty.
I mean, we could sponsor
a jazz festival.
Hobnobbin' with Herbie Hancock.
Don't tell me
you wouldn't want that, Tins.
- Don't tease me with Herbie.
Bye-bye, new building.
- Oh, no, no.
Hello, new empire.
I mean, how many
opportunities in life
do you get to catch
the big wave?
This is the big one.
- Okay, Joyce has been gone,
what, five days?
Can we slow down?
These are huge decisions.
- No way, not a chance.
This is the time
to make a big move.
Voilà.
Spaghetti Renetti.
- This is Spaghetti Alfredo.
- Excuse me?
Did Alfredo tell you
to say that?
- He might've
mentioned something.
- That is my spaghetti.
Alfredo is out of line.
Hey, you say it.
You say it.
- Alfredo, you're out of line.
Thank you.
I needed to hear it.
Mm.
- Hey, I want you to be
the managing editor
of "Minx", Tins.
Look, Wendy's a big name.
She's got big ideas.
But day-to-day
production spending,
you're the only person I trust
and you know it.
- You're giving me
this job now.
- Yes, I am.
- So Alex
is a restaurant critic.
I can't believe
we're serving him dinner.
Why don't I just kill myself?
- Georgina, you met earlier
at "Betsy."
She's an assistant editor
and her dad runs Unilever.
- Oh.
- And Eric works
for Mayor Lindsay.
He's responsible for everything
good Lindsay's ever done.
And, uh, he's single.
- Oh, really.
- Mm-hmm.
Only thing to know is that
he says, um, "busimess."
It's not a big deal.
Are you saying
he says "busimess"
instead of "business?"
- Mm-hmm.
- Well, has anybody told him?
- No.
- Tonight's the night.
- No, Joyce,
you can't tell him.
- I'm gonna tell him.
- No, you--
Why can't you move back
to New York?
I miss you.
- Oh, God.
Don't tempt me.
- These farmers
are so short-sighted.
They can't see five minutes
into the future.
- Right.
- I agree.
- Maybe if the government
hadn't shoved it
down their throats
after the war,
we wouldn't have this problem
to begin with.
- No, no, no, if DDT is going
to save the family farm,
then who are we to judge?
- The people who are going
to die of cancer.
- Yeah, and watch
as the ecosystems fail
because all the birds
have gone extinct.
- As long as we still
have Cornish hens.
- Right, except for those.
Yes.
- They're delicious, love.
- Oh, well, Citarella
never disappoints.
- Oh, my God.
I've missed this.
I cannot remember the last time
I had a scintillating
conversation
about a lethal pesticide.
- Oh, no, tragedy.
That's the last of the ice.
all: Oh, boo.
- Brandt--
- Just stick to the wine.
It's delicious.
You love it.
It's great.
- Says the man with ice
in his whiskey.
- I'm humiliated.
I am so sorry.
- You should be.
- Okay.
All right.
Okay.
How's he doing in there?
- Unclear.
- Yeah?
- There are a lot of noises.
- Lot of noises, huh?
- A lot.
both:
- Noises are okay.
How you doing?
Girls are ready.
We're ready.
You close?
- Close is for pussies.
You're either there
or you're nowhere.
All right.
- Let's do this.
- Get to work.
Let's go!
We got him, ladies,
Billy Brunson.
Whoo!
- That is a very hard dick.
- Oh, you think?
- We can't shoot that.
Unless you want a magazine
no one can put on their stands.
- I don't know,
I was thinking maybe
you could do some kind
of camera trick or an angle
that kind of hides it
a little bit.
- Sure, I'll just set
the exposure to flaccid.
- Renetti,
this happenin' or what, buddy?
- Yes. Yes.
Can I get a moment
with you, please?
Yeah.
- Yeah.
- I love this choice.
I think it's bold.
But I got to say,
I find with our readers,
it's--it's better to sometimes
give them a bite
rather than the whole meal,
don't you?
- You might get away with that
bullshit with your male models.
But not with me.
You asked for The Goat,
you're gettin' all of The Goat.
- I don't--
I don't know about black.
It was the only color
Tommy wore for years.
On the plus side,
black goes with everything.
So getting him dressed
was a breeze.
But, you know--
- Shelly, in this home,
you don't have to be a mom.
And you look great.
- I don't recognize myself.
- That's the point.
Okay.
Shelly...
- Oh.
- Meet Shelly.
That's you, too.
She's just been hiding
for a while.
In order to find magic
with your husband,
you have to find it first
in yourself.
- So, Joyce--
- Yes.
- How long will you be
in New York?
- Well, usually I have
everything planned.
Everything.
But I don't know.
- She's writing a piece for us
at "Betsy" actually.
- Good for you.
What about?
- I--no--
I have not said yes yet.
- Smart.
Hold out for more money.
- I can help you with that.
- Well, thank you.
Thank you.
Okay, good.
- You got people.
- It's--no, Elayne wants me
to write about "Minx".
Yikes.
- Maggie told us
not to say anything.
- No. No.
What I said is,
"Don't push her."
- No, it's fine.
It's fine.
I don't mind talking
about it amongst friends.
- Great.
- Oh, God.
- I do have one question.
- Of course.
- There he is.
- The men.
- Mm-hmm?
- Gigolos, right?
- No, no.
The first centerfold
was a firefighter.
And the second was
a Juilliard grad.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
- Look at that.
- His parents must be dancing.
- Who cares about the men?
We want to know
about the women.
Who ends up doing
something like that?
- Obviously,
somebody who has to.
- Mm.
- A runaway.
Or a single mother.
- No.
That's not been my experience.
- You hear that, Georgina?
Don't judge until
you've street-walked
a mile in their stilettos.
- These women aren't actually
that different from us.
You know, they just are
more comfortable
with their bodies.
- Joyce.
They're nothing like us.
- Now remember,
you are a dazzling,
glimmering, sexy nymph.
- Oh, nymphs like
to hide behind things.
Maybe I'll just pop
behind the couch or--
- No, no, no.
Come on, you're hot.
- Yeah, I'm sweating.
I'm a sweater.
- Okay.
Take this.
- Oh.
This is nice.
- My good luck charm.
I wore it
on my very first photoshoot.
"101 Arabian Nights."
- Oh, isn't it "One Thousand
and One Arabian Nights"?
- Yeah.
Ours was pretty low budge.
But I was nervous
like you are now
and I got through it and
nothing bad's happened since.
- Wow, that's quite
a hot streak.
- Yes. Hot.
Speaking of hot,
you are on fire
and you have a secret.
- Ooh.
What is it?
I don't know.
It's between you
and the camera.
- Oh, you're good.
- Hey, Billy.
Can I have one more--
can I have a moment?
Yeah. This is great.
This is exciting.
Can I be totally honest
with you?
It's--it's not up to me.
I mean,
I can take these photos,
but it's not legal for me
to distribute them.
- My dick is above
the law, brother.
- Yeah, I wish that was true.
Believe me.
But what if we took it
down to 75%?
Can we do 75%, Billy?
- Three-quarter mast.
- Yeah.
- Is that how you like
to salute your flag?
In America?
- Hey, I'm a patriot
just like you.
But if you want your fellow
Americans to see this thing,
which we both fucking do,
we gotta let a little air
out of the tire down here.
We just gotta.
- 90%.
- That's--
Give me 80.
Let's go down to 80.
- No way.
- Yes.
- No way, brother.
This is grade A beef.
Come on.
Oh no, step back, son.
No, no.
Everybody stays naked.
I know you want me hard.
So why don't you just
take this bad boy in?
You can look but don't touch.
- Let's start shooting.
Right?
Let's find a level
that works for everybody.
But the move now
is to start shooting, right?
- Yeah, yeah, let's get these
girlies jumping up and down.
I want these jingles jangling.
- Ooh, I love that energy!
Girls, let's jump.
Let's get the jingles jangling
like he said.
- It's about education.
Just think of how much better
these people's lives could be
if somebody just cared enough
to keep them in school.
- You know, I don't think
that educated people
have a monopoly
on good decision-making.
- An excellent point
from the Vassar grad
who ended up in porno.
- Oh.
- Ouch.
- She didn't "end up" there.
She was slumming it
for a while,
getting a little dirt
under the nails.
- Well, the story
has a happy ending
because Joyce is back
in New York where she belongs.
To Joyce.
all: To Joyce.
- To Joyce.
- So I ran into William Shawn
last week,
who looks awful, by the way.
- Well, of course.
- I'll get more ice.
- No, you don't have
to do that.
- No, no, no.
It's fine.
I never get to breathe
fall air.
- All right.
Did I tell you...
- Doug, look around.
Is this really
what "Minx" is about?
- Don't do that whiny shit
right now.
You hear me?
- No, I know he's a big get.
But, Doug,
what are we doing here?
- I can't keep this thing up
all day long.
What do they think we're doing?
We're on limited time here,
Leibovitz.
Start shooting.
- Just give me a second, okay?
- Just please press the button.
Let's shoot something.
- I can't stand here all day.
- Take the pics, Richie.
Read the room
and take the pics.
- Fine.
- Good.
- Don't be an asshole,
press the button.
- I am.
- Why don't you go rouge
some nipples
if this is so beneath you,
Rich?
Okay? I got it.
Thanks, Richie. Thank you.
- Oh, great.
Now there's two hard dicks
in the room.
- Oh, ho! Pretty good.
We're good.
- That's how you take control,
Renetti.
My man.
- Have fun with your boyfriend.
- Grits and pancakes.
What do you say, guys?
Good.
Excitement, excitement.
We got Billy Brunson.
Great.
- What's wrong?
- Nothing.
You're gorgeous.
I just want to adjust your hair
a little bit.
- Yeah, do whatever you want.
- Um...
♪ ♪
Um, and then the robe,
I was thinking maybe
it could be a little
off the shoulders or--
- What about no robe?
- That's the shot.
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
- ♪ Rock steady, baby ♪
♪ That's what I feel now ♪
♪ Let's call this song
exactly what it is ♪
♪ Step and move your hips ♪
♪ With a feeling
from side to side ♪
♪ Sit yourself down
in your car ♪
♪ And take a ride,
while you're moving ♪
- Can I buy you a drink?
- If I say yes,
will you stop following me?
♪ ♪
- ♪ Step and move your hips ♪
♪ With a feeling
from side to side ♪
- Oh!
- ♪ Sit yourself
down in your car ♪
♪ And take a ride ♪
♪ While you're moving
rock steady ♪
- Whoo!
- ♪ Rock steady ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Rock steady ♪
- I know the Cornish hen
was a bit dry, but...
- Um, I'm sorry.
Okay, I just--
I went dancing.
- In the middle
of a dinner party?
Is that a hickey?
- Uh...
Yeah.
I met somebody.
- So who was he?
You don't even know his name.
- You know what I know
is that he wasn't
patronizing and judgmental.
- Oh, grow up, Joyce.
You think when Gloria Steinem
goes to a dinner party,
people don't ask her
about her time
going undercover
at The Playboy Club?
It's what makes you interesting
right now.
- My life is not fodder
for your dinner party.
- But you're more than happy
to lap up the attention
when it suits you.
- You're more than happy
basking in my reflection.
This--
- I'm trying to give you
back your life.
- Okay.
All right.
This is salvageable.
All right?
I, uh--
I have some stationery.
You can write
some apology notes
and break out
that Prigger charm.
- I have nothing
to apologize for.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Is this what you wanted?
- It'll move magazines,
all right?
- I'll start looking
for new photographers.
You should probably take
Joyce's name off the masthead.
♪ ♪
- ♪ I wish I knew how ♪
♪ It would feel to be free ♪
♪ I wish I could break ♪
♪ All the chains holdin' me ♪
♪ I wish I could say ♪
♪ All the things
that I should say ♪
♪ Say 'em loud,
say 'em clear ♪
♪ For the whole round world
to hear ♪
♪ I wish I could share ♪
♪ All the love
that's in my heart ♪
♪ Remove all the bars ♪
♪ That keep us apart ♪
♪ I wish you could know ♪
♪ What it means to be me ♪
♪ Then you'd see and agree ♪
♪ That every man
should be free ♪
♪ I wish I could give ♪
♪ All I'm longin' to give ♪
♪ I wish I could live ♪
♪ Like I'm longing to live ♪
♪ I wish I could do ♪
♪ All the things
that I can do ♪
♪ And though I'm way overdue ♪
- You drive me to madness.
- Then let madness
be your medicine.
♪ ♪
Oh, oh!
♪ ♪
Damn it.
I'll get the sewing kit.
Ooh.
Your holiness!
- The lady's mine.
- The lady has a name.
It's Shelly.
- Oh, yeah.
Oh!
both:
- Yes.
- Oh, don't spit
on your brother!
- Your stallion, my queen.
- Tonight, I'll be riding
a young colt.
- ♪ It never rains
in Southern California ♪
♪ Seems I've often heard... ♪
- ♪ That kind of talk before ♪
♪ It never rains
in California ♪
- Okay, okay.
- Did it work?
- Uh...
- Maybe I should just
ask your sister.
- You know I'm not talking
to her right now.
- Or I could ask
"Willy and Franco,"
since the entire
drive-time audience
knows more about my sex life
than I do.
♪ ♪
- Dr. Lambert,
I've got the most awful ache,
only it's not in my tooth.
- I'm a dentist,
Mrs. Lambert.
Sounds like you need
a specialist.
- ♪ I got a situation ♪
♪ Something worth
thinking about ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Should I stay,
hey, hey, hey ♪
♪ Should I move on out ♪
♪ Mm-hmm, got a situation ♪
- So what's
on the agenda for today?
- Oh, well,
I still haven't seen
the "Hand-painted Textiles
by Norwegian Children" exhibit
at The Met.
- Oh, it's a dream.
And next week
there's a production
of "Mourning Becomes Electra"
at the new Circle
in the Square.
- Oh, God, I miss live theater.
- We can see it all.
There's no rush.
LA will always be there.
- Yeah, glaring at me
until it cracks into the sea.
- Brandt, we still have Joyce.
- Good girl.
Give yourself time to recover.
Top off?
- Don't mind if I do.
- All right.
That is distilled.
Taste the difference.
- Thank you.
- Do you want to swing
by the office,
meet me for lunch?
- Oh, God.
No, I have to run
through the Cavett débâcle
a couple hundred more times,
you know?
- Joyce.
- Maggie, I can't show
my face at "Betsy."
- Oh, honey,
don't be intimidated.
It's just another magazine.
- I don't know. I only packed
a couple of outfits.
They're both pretty ripe.
- You have my entire closet.
- We gotta go, sunshine.
- Okay.
- A gentle reminder,
the fashion industry
is the world's second-largest
industrial polluter.
- Please, save me.
- Okay, fine.
Okay, I'll see you there.
Okay.
- I love you.
- You too.
- Okay.
Okay, I'm going, I'm going.
- Bye, bye.
- Bye!
- Bye.
- Mike got us a reservation
at Tavern on the Green,
do you want to go?
- ♪ I want to reach
for the sun ♪
♪ And have some fun ♪
♪ With none of that
looking behind... ♪
- Okay,
genuine Big Apple treasure.
- Fun.
- Right? Tons of fun.
I mean, you can
get these in LA,
but when it's your hometown,
why bother.
Sometimes,
it takes being a tourist,
you know,
to treat yourself.
Take one.
Take--take them all.
They're for you guys.
- Where's Joyce?
- Joyce is just taking
some time
to figure some things out.
- Yeah.
- She's not coming back,
is she?
- It was her decision.
She's a woman with her own mind
and I respect that.
That said, she's probably
at the airport right now
on her way back,
but either way, guys,
we got a magazine
to put to bed.
- How are we going to do that
without Joyce?
- Oh, I don't know,
how did we do
magazines before her?
I seem to remember publishing
a few million without her.
- And she gave us a binder
with all of the content
for issue three,
so we just have
to shoot the centerfold.
- Right.
"The Cow."
- "The Goat."
- Please show a little bit
of respect.
He's a two-time
Super Bowl MVP, Rich.
Okay. And I'm going to bring on
some security for the shoot,
so he knows
he's taken care of.
And he wants to pose
with a topless model.
So could you find one?
- What?
He want--
- O-okay.
Given what we were planning,
she'd have to be
a strong Mrs. Claus
or, I don't know, an elf
fighting for reindeer rights?
- We could cover her butt
with tinsel.
Great.
- So this woman would be there
as an ornament?
- An ornament's fun,
but not one of those,
like, big round ones.
Right?
We want like a sexy one,
like an angel or like
a sexy candy cane, right?
- Doug, this just
doesn't feel like "Minx."
- Okay,
then you don't have to be
the centerfold coordinator
for this shoot.
- You don't have to go now.
Just skip the shoot.
- It's fine.
I know when I'm not wanted.
- Bambi.
- Guys, if she wants to go,
let her go.
Her job didn't exist
six months ago.
She'll be fine.
Okay?
What we need to talk
about is production design.
I got a guy in Azusa
who can get us a sleigh.
What do you got?
Let's work.
♪ ♪
- ♪ A special path
has been... ♪
- Maggie'll be out in a second.
- Okay.
Thank you.
♪ ♪
- Joyce!
- Hi.
- So before we go,
I want you to meet Elayne.
- Oh, God.
Now? No--
- Come on.
It'll be a second.
- Oh.
- Elayne?
I have Joyce Prigger.
- Hello.
It is real--
- I could just ring
that smug Dick Cavett's neck
for what he put you through!
And Victoria should
know better too.
But then again,
she cheats at Scrabble,
so I'm not surprised.
- Oh, God, it's fine.
You know,
it's just national television.
- I told Elayne all about you.
- Yes.
You've had quite a ride.
- Oh, my God.
Where did that come from?
- I kept your debut issue.
Elayne wanted to see it.
- Oh, my God, Maggie.
That is so amateurish.
- I--I found it raw,
but powerful.
- Thank you.
That means--that means a lot.
- You know,
"Minx" is a long way from this.
- Well, the unholy marriage
of art and commerce.
I'm sure you can relate.
- Mm, we're in a bit
of a privileged position
here at "Betsy."
- Mm-hmm.
- Shiny new prestige
publication--
a loss leader for Fairchild.
- They don't expect us
to make a profit.
They just love
the good write-ups.
- What about advertising?
- Oh, we do book
the occasional ad
for a mission-driven nonprofit,
but we don't need it
to pay the rent.
- Wow.
- Joyce, we would love
to invite you in.
Write a piece for us.
You have a fascinating story.
- That is such a good idea.
♪ ♪
She's amazing, isn't she?
Okay,
do you want a quick tour?
- Yes.
- All right.
So our editorial department
lives in here.
Our department's out there,
layouts, hi.
Oh, my favorite--my favorite
is this little research nook.
- Oh, wow.
God, the temperature,
it's so cozy.
- Always set to 74.
And if you get a chill,
shahtooshes,
made from the wool
of Tibetan chiru antelopes.
- Oh, wow.
So I invited some of the ladies
to join us for lunch,
but if you want it
to just be us--
- No, the more the merrier.
- All right, shall we?
Let's--okay, this way.
- Where were we?
- Terms.
- Well, I couldn't
possibly consider
without a full editorial staff.
- Sounds fair to me.
- First-class travel.
- Domestic.
- And international.
If I'm not in Milan
for Fashion Week,
"Minx" will never be relevant
in the style space.
And Halston would love you,
by the way.
- Oh, everybody loves me.
- I like your spunk but you're
not my only date to the dance.
- Yes, I'm sure you have Helen
Gurley Brown in your Rolodex.
- Oh, I do.
- I'm serious.
Listen, you know
how hot "Minx" is
or you wouldn't have
taken this meeting.
I'm about to have the number
one adult mag in the country
and we both know
you want to be a part of that.
So I'll consider your terms,
but as of now,
Milano's on your dime.
- Chocolate tart?
Key lime pie?
- Just the check.
- And that 21-year single malt.
- Coming up.
- I didn't know
where else to go.
There's nothing left for me
to do at Bottom Dollar.
- I'm so sorry, Bambi.
I don't know where Joyce is.
She's on my shit list, in fact.
- I get that you're mad,
but isn't it kind of good,
what happened
with you and Lenny?
I mean, now that he knows
he can't take you to the moon,
at least you can get somewhere.
- What?
Like divorce court?
I tried to apologize,
but we can't seem
to get back on track.
- You just need to re-notch
your groove.
How do you feel about
getting naked in the desert?
- No.
- Okay, so mescaline's out.
- Yeah.
Riunite's as crazy as we get.
- You can get
crazier than that.
What about something sexy?
- I don't do sexy.
- Shelly.
You have the hair of a starlet
and the hips
of a Greek goddess.
- I've seen those statues.
Okay?
They're kind of doughy.
- Dough gets pounded.
- You offered her how much?
- Don't worry about that.
Plus she's gonna be worth
ten times that if she delivers
on half the stuff
she promised.
I mean, with her connections--
- But what salary
did you offer her?
- We're talking about film.
We're talking about fashion.
We're talking about beauty.
I mean, we could sponsor
a jazz festival.
Hobnobbin' with Herbie Hancock.
Don't tell me
you wouldn't want that, Tins.
- Don't tease me with Herbie.
Bye-bye, new building.
- Oh, no, no.
Hello, new empire.
I mean, how many
opportunities in life
do you get to catch
the big wave?
This is the big one.
- Okay, Joyce has been gone,
what, five days?
Can we slow down?
These are huge decisions.
- No way, not a chance.
This is the time
to make a big move.
Voilà.
Spaghetti Renetti.
- This is Spaghetti Alfredo.
- Excuse me?
Did Alfredo tell you
to say that?
- He might've
mentioned something.
- That is my spaghetti.
Alfredo is out of line.
Hey, you say it.
You say it.
- Alfredo, you're out of line.
Thank you.
I needed to hear it.
Mm.
- Hey, I want you to be
the managing editor
of "Minx", Tins.
Look, Wendy's a big name.
She's got big ideas.
But day-to-day
production spending,
you're the only person I trust
and you know it.
- You're giving me
this job now.
- Yes, I am.
- So Alex
is a restaurant critic.
I can't believe
we're serving him dinner.
Why don't I just kill myself?
- Georgina, you met earlier
at "Betsy."
She's an assistant editor
and her dad runs Unilever.
- Oh.
- And Eric works
for Mayor Lindsay.
He's responsible for everything
good Lindsay's ever done.
And, uh, he's single.
- Oh, really.
- Mm-hmm.
Only thing to know is that
he says, um, "busimess."
It's not a big deal.
Are you saying
he says "busimess"
instead of "business?"
- Mm-hmm.
- Well, has anybody told him?
- No.
- Tonight's the night.
- No, Joyce,
you can't tell him.
- I'm gonna tell him.
- No, you--
Why can't you move back
to New York?
I miss you.
- Oh, God.
Don't tempt me.
- These farmers
are so short-sighted.
They can't see five minutes
into the future.
- Right.
- I agree.
- Maybe if the government
hadn't shoved it
down their throats
after the war,
we wouldn't have this problem
to begin with.
- No, no, no, if DDT is going
to save the family farm,
then who are we to judge?
- The people who are going
to die of cancer.
- Yeah, and watch
as the ecosystems fail
because all the birds
have gone extinct.
- As long as we still
have Cornish hens.
- Right, except for those.
Yes.
- They're delicious, love.
- Oh, well, Citarella
never disappoints.
- Oh, my God.
I've missed this.
I cannot remember the last time
I had a scintillating
conversation
about a lethal pesticide.
- Oh, no, tragedy.
That's the last of the ice.
all: Oh, boo.
- Brandt--
- Just stick to the wine.
It's delicious.
You love it.
It's great.
- Says the man with ice
in his whiskey.
- I'm humiliated.
I am so sorry.
- You should be.
- Okay.
All right.
Okay.
How's he doing in there?
- Unclear.
- Yeah?
- There are a lot of noises.
- Lot of noises, huh?
- A lot.
both:
- Noises are okay.
How you doing?
Girls are ready.
We're ready.
You close?
- Close is for pussies.
You're either there
or you're nowhere.
All right.
- Let's do this.
- Get to work.
Let's go!
We got him, ladies,
Billy Brunson.
Whoo!
- That is a very hard dick.
- Oh, you think?
- We can't shoot that.
Unless you want a magazine
no one can put on their stands.
- I don't know,
I was thinking maybe
you could do some kind
of camera trick or an angle
that kind of hides it
a little bit.
- Sure, I'll just set
the exposure to flaccid.
- Renetti,
this happenin' or what, buddy?
- Yes. Yes.
Can I get a moment
with you, please?
Yeah.
- Yeah.
- I love this choice.
I think it's bold.
But I got to say,
I find with our readers,
it's--it's better to sometimes
give them a bite
rather than the whole meal,
don't you?
- You might get away with that
bullshit with your male models.
But not with me.
You asked for The Goat,
you're gettin' all of The Goat.
- I don't--
I don't know about black.
It was the only color
Tommy wore for years.
On the plus side,
black goes with everything.
So getting him dressed
was a breeze.
But, you know--
- Shelly, in this home,
you don't have to be a mom.
And you look great.
- I don't recognize myself.
- That's the point.
Okay.
Shelly...
- Oh.
- Meet Shelly.
That's you, too.
She's just been hiding
for a while.
In order to find magic
with your husband,
you have to find it first
in yourself.
- So, Joyce--
- Yes.
- How long will you be
in New York?
- Well, usually I have
everything planned.
Everything.
But I don't know.
- She's writing a piece for us
at "Betsy" actually.
- Good for you.
What about?
- I--no--
I have not said yes yet.
- Smart.
Hold out for more money.
- I can help you with that.
- Well, thank you.
Thank you.
Okay, good.
- You got people.
- It's--no, Elayne wants me
to write about "Minx".
Yikes.
- Maggie told us
not to say anything.
- No. No.
What I said is,
"Don't push her."
- No, it's fine.
It's fine.
I don't mind talking
about it amongst friends.
- Great.
- Oh, God.
- I do have one question.
- Of course.
- There he is.
- The men.
- Mm-hmm?
- Gigolos, right?
- No, no.
The first centerfold
was a firefighter.
And the second was
a Juilliard grad.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
- Look at that.
- His parents must be dancing.
- Who cares about the men?
We want to know
about the women.
Who ends up doing
something like that?
- Obviously,
somebody who has to.
- Mm.
- A runaway.
Or a single mother.
- No.
That's not been my experience.
- You hear that, Georgina?
Don't judge until
you've street-walked
a mile in their stilettos.
- These women aren't actually
that different from us.
You know, they just are
more comfortable
with their bodies.
- Joyce.
They're nothing like us.
- Now remember,
you are a dazzling,
glimmering, sexy nymph.
- Oh, nymphs like
to hide behind things.
Maybe I'll just pop
behind the couch or--
- No, no, no.
Come on, you're hot.
- Yeah, I'm sweating.
I'm a sweater.
- Okay.
Take this.
- Oh.
This is nice.
- My good luck charm.
I wore it
on my very first photoshoot.
"101 Arabian Nights."
- Oh, isn't it "One Thousand
and One Arabian Nights"?
- Yeah.
Ours was pretty low budge.
But I was nervous
like you are now
and I got through it and
nothing bad's happened since.
- Wow, that's quite
a hot streak.
- Yes. Hot.
Speaking of hot,
you are on fire
and you have a secret.
- Ooh.
What is it?
I don't know.
It's between you
and the camera.
- Oh, you're good.
- Hey, Billy.
Can I have one more--
can I have a moment?
Yeah. This is great.
This is exciting.
Can I be totally honest
with you?
It's--it's not up to me.
I mean,
I can take these photos,
but it's not legal for me
to distribute them.
- My dick is above
the law, brother.
- Yeah, I wish that was true.
Believe me.
But what if we took it
down to 75%?
Can we do 75%, Billy?
- Three-quarter mast.
- Yeah.
- Is that how you like
to salute your flag?
In America?
- Hey, I'm a patriot
just like you.
But if you want your fellow
Americans to see this thing,
which we both fucking do,
we gotta let a little air
out of the tire down here.
We just gotta.
- 90%.
- That's--
Give me 80.
Let's go down to 80.
- No way.
- Yes.
- No way, brother.
This is grade A beef.
Come on.
Oh no, step back, son.
No, no.
Everybody stays naked.
I know you want me hard.
So why don't you just
take this bad boy in?
You can look but don't touch.
- Let's start shooting.
Right?
Let's find a level
that works for everybody.
But the move now
is to start shooting, right?
- Yeah, yeah, let's get these
girlies jumping up and down.
I want these jingles jangling.
- Ooh, I love that energy!
Girls, let's jump.
Let's get the jingles jangling
like he said.
- It's about education.
Just think of how much better
these people's lives could be
if somebody just cared enough
to keep them in school.
- You know, I don't think
that educated people
have a monopoly
on good decision-making.
- An excellent point
from the Vassar grad
who ended up in porno.
- Oh.
- Ouch.
- She didn't "end up" there.
She was slumming it
for a while,
getting a little dirt
under the nails.
- Well, the story
has a happy ending
because Joyce is back
in New York where she belongs.
To Joyce.
all: To Joyce.
- To Joyce.
- So I ran into William Shawn
last week,
who looks awful, by the way.
- Well, of course.
- I'll get more ice.
- No, you don't have
to do that.
- No, no, no.
It's fine.
I never get to breathe
fall air.
- All right.
Did I tell you...
- Doug, look around.
Is this really
what "Minx" is about?
- Don't do that whiny shit
right now.
You hear me?
- No, I know he's a big get.
But, Doug,
what are we doing here?
- I can't keep this thing up
all day long.
What do they think we're doing?
We're on limited time here,
Leibovitz.
Start shooting.
- Just give me a second, okay?
- Just please press the button.
Let's shoot something.
- I can't stand here all day.
- Take the pics, Richie.
Read the room
and take the pics.
- Fine.
- Good.
- Don't be an asshole,
press the button.
- I am.
- Why don't you go rouge
some nipples
if this is so beneath you,
Rich?
Okay? I got it.
Thanks, Richie. Thank you.
- Oh, great.
Now there's two hard dicks
in the room.
- Oh, ho! Pretty good.
We're good.
- That's how you take control,
Renetti.
My man.
- Have fun with your boyfriend.
- Grits and pancakes.
What do you say, guys?
Good.
Excitement, excitement.
We got Billy Brunson.
Great.
- What's wrong?
- Nothing.
You're gorgeous.
I just want to adjust your hair
a little bit.
- Yeah, do whatever you want.
- Um...
♪ ♪
Um, and then the robe,
I was thinking maybe
it could be a little
off the shoulders or--
- What about no robe?
- That's the shot.
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
- ♪ Rock steady, baby ♪
♪ That's what I feel now ♪
♪ Let's call this song
exactly what it is ♪
♪ Step and move your hips ♪
♪ With a feeling
from side to side ♪
♪ Sit yourself down
in your car ♪
♪ And take a ride,
while you're moving ♪
- Can I buy you a drink?
- If I say yes,
will you stop following me?
♪ ♪
- ♪ Step and move your hips ♪
♪ With a feeling
from side to side ♪
- Oh!
- ♪ Sit yourself
down in your car ♪
♪ And take a ride ♪
♪ While you're moving
rock steady ♪
- Whoo!
- ♪ Rock steady ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Rock steady ♪
- I know the Cornish hen
was a bit dry, but...
- Um, I'm sorry.
Okay, I just--
I went dancing.
- In the middle
of a dinner party?
Is that a hickey?
- Uh...
Yeah.
I met somebody.
- So who was he?
You don't even know his name.
- You know what I know
is that he wasn't
patronizing and judgmental.
- Oh, grow up, Joyce.
You think when Gloria Steinem
goes to a dinner party,
people don't ask her
about her time
going undercover
at The Playboy Club?
It's what makes you interesting
right now.
- My life is not fodder
for your dinner party.
- But you're more than happy
to lap up the attention
when it suits you.
- You're more than happy
basking in my reflection.
This--
- I'm trying to give you
back your life.
- Okay.
All right.
This is salvageable.
All right?
I, uh--
I have some stationery.
You can write
some apology notes
and break out
that Prigger charm.
- I have nothing
to apologize for.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Is this what you wanted?
- It'll move magazines,
all right?
- I'll start looking
for new photographers.
You should probably take
Joyce's name off the masthead.
♪ ♪
- ♪ I wish I knew how ♪
♪ It would feel to be free ♪
♪ I wish I could break ♪
♪ All the chains holdin' me ♪
♪ I wish I could say ♪
♪ All the things
that I should say ♪
♪ Say 'em loud,
say 'em clear ♪
♪ For the whole round world
to hear ♪
♪ I wish I could share ♪
♪ All the love
that's in my heart ♪
♪ Remove all the bars ♪
♪ That keep us apart ♪
♪ I wish you could know ♪
♪ What it means to be me ♪
♪ Then you'd see and agree ♪
♪ That every man
should be free ♪
♪ I wish I could give ♪
♪ All I'm longin' to give ♪
♪ I wish I could live ♪
♪ Like I'm longing to live ♪
♪ I wish I could do ♪
♪ All the things
that I can do ♪
♪ And though I'm way overdue ♪