Minx (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - God save the Queen of Dicks - full transcript
- Tensions have cooled
here at Woodbridge,
but just a few nights ago,
the campus was in flames
over a new pornographic
ladies' magazine called "Minx."
Copies
of the frisky periodical
blew through the quad,
igniting a raucous debate
that has left locals raging.
- They're called privates
for a reason.
- This is yet another example
of the media industrial complex
amplifying the voices
of mainstream feminists.
- Reading this is supposed
to make girls want sex?
I don't get it.
- Local action groups
have already formed
to protest the magazine.
- This filth has no place
in our community.
I stand with the concerned
citizens of Encino,
decent, God-fearing people
who will help us win the fight
for the soul
of the San Fernando Valley.
- Okay, okay.
Keep it up. Keep it up.
- I have negatives to print.
Can I just--
- Less talkin', more lickin'.
- I used to love hearing that.
- More envelopes, please.
- There you go.
"Champions of Chatsworth
Chastity"--good.
"Virgin Vigilantes
of Van Nuys."
I can't even say that one.
- No one can.
That's why it's gonna be
so funny on the news.
This one's my masterpiece.
- "Heavy-Hearted Housewives
of Hollywood Hills."
- They call that alliteration.
- Okay, you're fucking with me.
I know this move.
- I don't know
what you're talking about.
- I'm trying to pull a rabbit
out of a hat here.
Could you please help me?
- Ooh, "Matronly Magicians
of Mulholland."
- I hate it
when Mom and Dad fight.
- Wait, so none
of these groups are real?
- Doug, may I have a word,
please?
- Let me do my job.
It's working.
I'm moving. I'm shaking.
I'm stirring the pot.
People are talking.
- Yeah, but it's all criticism.
- If everybody was loving it,
we wouldn't have a story.
Joyce, I got reporters
calling me from everywhere--
from the
"San Francisco Chronicle,"
from the
"Philadelphia Inquirer."
- That's a lesser paper.
- It's working.
And you did a killer job
stepping up issue two.
And Richie's cover?
Very sexy stuff, Joyce.
Yes!
Look at how many more dicks
you got.
- Mm-hmm.
- You should be so proud
of this excellent magazine.
- Yeah, but what's the point
of making it excellent
if everybody's reading it
the wrong way?
- What do you mean by that?
You mean, like, back to front?
- I want women to feel
empowered, not embarrassed.
Let me talk to these reporters.
- Oh, no, no, not a chance.
The plan is working.
You'll just Joyce it up.
- We are scaring away
our target audience.
- Just--all right,
you know what?
I'll give you one reporter.
- Oh, my God,
you're so generous.
Okay, stuffy. Mean.
Notoriously grabby.
Beulah Barrett called?
She does the best profiles
on celebrities in crisis.
Am I a celebrity?
- Sure, you're a celebrity.
Here, give them to me.
Tell them your vision
for issue two.
- Yeah.
- And then
why don't you do this?
Why don't you, uh...
teach them
how they should read it?
- With a yellow highlighter
and an open heart.
- ♪ Ooh-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Ha ♪
- Oh, how funny.
We missed this one.
Let me just, uh...
ah, but wait, it's for me.
There are no coincidences.
Chairman Mao taught me that.
- "Dear Richie,
noticed your work in 'Minx.'
Come see us sometime.
Let's chat."
Edward Shawn
of the Edward Shawn Gallery.
- Oh, my God,
he has two first names.
That's so fancy.
- I know.
He has the chicest gallery
in West Hollywood
and a real eye
for emerging artists.
He taught David Hockney
how to swim.
- Wow. What if he wants
to show your photos?
Or what if he wants
to have sex with you?
Sometimes it's both.
- Mm, just says chat.
- I am so glad
someone is finally getting
the recognition they deserve
around here.
- Yes, well,
whenever it happens for me
and I become famous,
I promise
we'll still be friends.
I'm already famous,
so I understand.
- Ms. Prigger?
Terrence Carpenter,
"Associated Press."
- Uh, what happened to Beulah?
- Last-minute
emergency sit-down
with Cloris Leachman.
You understand.
- Oh, yeah, of course.
Cloris Leachman is...
- More important than you.
It's not personal.
- Uh, no, I know.
I'm just, um...
I was really looking forward
to speaking with Beulah.
- Oh, yeah, well, I mean,
I could say the same about you.
I cover the publishing beat
at the "AP,"
and I have been following
the chatter about "Minx."
New magazine.
Starting to make some noise.
Not easy.
- Well, I'm just grateful
to be part
of the conversation, really.
- Well, let's dive into
the story of Joyce Prigger.
- Okay.
- When did the matriarchy
first awaken?
- You've done your research,
I see.
- That's the job,
as you're aware,
being a journalist yourself.
- Well, I guess my story starts
where every good story starts.
Seneca Falls, 1848.
- Did you actually say that?
- Obviously not.
I said I wanted to start
a conversation
about female oppression.
My point of view has been
egregiously misrepresented.
- Okay, okay, hold on.
"When pressed on 'Minx's'
intended audience,
"Prigger cast a wide net,
encouraging girls
as young as 13
to seek out her magazine"?
- I said that
I wish I had access
to this kind of material
when I was coming of age.
- Oh, you are coming of age.
Believe me.
- We have to fix this.
We've gotta demand
a retraction.
- No way.
This is a national story.
It's been picked up
by 180 papers
just as we have
released issue two.
This is a jackpot.
Oh, this one's even better.
"Pornographer defends riot,
advocates for adolescent
sexual awakening"?
Joyce,
you're a fucking gold mine!
- Oh, my God.
♪ ♪
Are you
Ricardo Montes Izquierda?
- No.
Thank you.
- Don't they sort of belong
to me by now?
- There's no statute
of limitations
on borrowed pumps.
Thank you.
And I'm coming
for that clutch, missy.
- Are you sure
you can't stay for a drink?
- Well, I would, I just--
I want to hit the highway
before the smog rolls in.
- Well, maybe you can
come by the office this week.
We all miss you.
- I promise
I'm gonna stop by soon.
It's just been so crazy
at the house
and things with Lenny
have been a little off.
- I just--I really could have
used you the last few days.
It's--everybody hates me,
Shel.
First it was the magazine,
but now I am the one
being pilloried.
- Joycey, when no one would
publish your magazine,
do you remember
how miserable you were?
- Yeah, it's terrible
to be ignored.
- And then after
the first issue came out
and no one bought it,
you felt like
it was the end of the world.
- That's because it landed
with a deafening thud.
It's a real shock
to the system.
- I'm just saying,
if every step has been torture,
it makes me wonder,
do you even want a magazine?
- Of course I want a magazine.
It's just it's harder
than I thought it was gonna be,
that's all.
- Yeah, well, most things are.
Ooh, Daltons.
I love their financiers.
- Oh.
- Secret admirer?
- Bye.
- Well, thank you
for joining me.
- You know
how much I love to see
our profitable magazines
in their natural environment.
Ahh, "Naked Nurses."
Ugh, 70% margin.
Now that's sexy.
- Where the hell is "Minx"?
- Oh, no.
Has the crown jewel
of the Bottom Dollar empire
gone missing yet again?
- Hey, Artie!
I thought we'd been over this.
Where's my dick mag?
- Gone. They took it all.
- Seized?
Sure, that tracks.
- No, sold.
I put it on the stands,
gone in two hours.
You gotta get me more.
- No problem.
- So get this, Franco.
Some broad right here
in sunny LA, Joyce Prigger,
is putting out a magazine
full of naked guys
to help the females
feel more satisfied.
- Ha! You know,
I bet if Little Miss Prigger
had a real-life jolly stick
to play with,
she would have
saved herself the trouble.
- Whoo!
We just sold out in Cleveland!
- Oh!
- What? Ha!
- Whoo!
♪ ♪
- Well,
she's calling it "Minx",
and she has filled it
with all of her
feminist mumbo jumbo.
Are you reading this, Nancy?
- You better believe it,
Billy Boy.
- Fellas, keep a leash
on your ladies.
Don't want 'em
getting any big ideas.
- I want a raise.
- That's the thing
about these libbers.
They wanna fix something
that ain't broken.
- How hard is it
to get your nails done
and cook a nice meal?
- We just sold out Vegas!
Whoo!
♪ ♪
Whoo!
Yeah!
- Chicks like Joyce Prigger,
nothing but trouble.
But I know the type.
Once some unlucky guy
takes her off the market,
she'll shut her trap.
- Oh, if any
of our loyal listeners
wanna jump on that grenade,
you'll be a hero to us all.
- New York City!
♪ ♪
Parks, not porn!
Parks, not porn!
Parks, not porn!
Parks, not porn!
Parks, not porn!
- Friends, neighbors,
wives, mothers,
we didn't ask for this war,
but I promise you,
we're ready to fight it.
If Joyce Prigger
and her soldiers of smut
wanna put their magazines
into the hands of our children,
well, they're going to have
to get through us first.
- Hey, Richie.
- Hey.
"Richie,
"congrats on
a fabulous second issue.
"Having a little salon
for some of my artists
"at my place in the hills.
"Bring your colleagues.
Would love to celebrate with
the whole 'Minx' team. Edward."
We have to go.
- I'm pretty busy.
I don't think I can make--
- What?
You were so excited
to meet him.
Oh, no.
He tried to sleep with you.
You did sleep with him?
You slept with him twice?
It was good? It was bad.
He hates his mother.
- Stop.
I bailed, okay?
I got there and it was
way out of my league.
There's no chance
I'm ever gonna be
up on a wall next to Hockney.
- You know,
when I stepped on my first set,
I didn't feel like I belonged.
I'm not even really sure
how I got there.
But the photographer could tell
I was really nervous,
and so he walked over to me
and he said,
"You're not gonna be
hot forever.
"Now take off those shorts
and get on that elephant
and ride."
Oh, this industry.
- Babes, you're so talented.
You just need to shine bright
and show everyone
how much you're worth.
Plus, Joyce could use some fun.
We could make a night of it.
- Okay, fine, fine,
but I get to leave
whenever I want.
- Okay, you say that now,
but last time I went
to a party in the hills,
I stayed for a year.
And then the murders started.
You're gonna love it.
- The Manson murders?
- Not those!
- The library,
one of my favorite places
in the entire world.
- I mean, she has a point.
Even I don't think
"Minx" should be in a library.
- I never said that.
You know, just to play
devil's advocate,
who is to say
it's the worst idea
to bring these concepts
to the common square?
- If you think people should be
able to check out your magazine
while also getting a copy
of "Huckleberry Finn,"
I think that's an opinion
you need to share
with the whole world.
- Oh, yeah,
you would love that.
- No, I love selling magazines.
And speaking of,
would you be willing
to go on "Willy and Franco"?
Pump up our numbers
a little bit?
- I wouldn't go
anywhere near them.
They're Neanderthals.
- Neanderthals
with a national audience.
- Doug, I am getting hate mail.
Bags and bags of it.
- Four-letter word.
Four-letter word.
Five-letter word.
Death threat.
Oh, God,
and this absolute chestnut
from Bottom Dollar's
biggest fan, Norman.
"Women in pornography
should be seen and not heard
"and certainly should not be
given their own magazine.
"Like that vile temptress
Yoko Ono,
"you are single-handedly
unraveling America's Beatles.
Bottom Dollar Publications."
- Aww, he thinks
we're The Beatles.
- Doug!
- Joyce, I've been
in this business a long time,
and as you know,
it is not always a popular one.
I want to show you
something special.
- Oh, God.
- A few of my favorite
love letters.
"If I had a time machine,
I'd go back to 1933
"and kill you as a toddler,
then, time permitting,
I'd go to Germany
and I'd kill Hitler."
- That is horrible.
- No, if somebody is willing
to write you a letter,
that means you got them.
That means that you matter.
- What you're describing
is masochism.
- No, what I'm describing
is not giving a shit.
You should try that sometime.
Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm.
- Really enjoying this, huh?
- I am.
The only way
this could be any better
is you admitting
that I was right.
- Like you knew
any of this was gonna happen.
- Hey, I had a hunch.
- You were
blindly throwing darts
praying one would hit.
And one did,
right in the ass
of our patron saint,
Joyce Prigger, huh?
- Sure, if she holds.
- Mm-hmm.
- You've hitched your wagon
to a star
that's about to supernova
out of existence.
- Nah, I'm good.
I'm thinking of upping
our next print run
to a cool million.
- Why not two?
- Now she's ready to dance.
Why not two?
- Just hope it's not
on the deck of the "Titanic."
- Hey, those people were
in a bad situation,
and they made the best of it.
- And then they all died.
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
- Hey.
What're you doing here--
♪ ♪
- No, don't talk.
♪ ♪
- Morning.
- Good morning.
- That was fun.
- Yes, it was.
- I forgot how good
we are at this.
That was a little better.
Right?
- Well, you did read
"Aphrodesia."
- Mm-hmm.
Come here.
- I wish I could
just hide out here all day.
- You can.
I'll field your calls.
Beat away all those assholes
running their mouths.
- God, it's a bit late
for that.
- What are you talking about?
Nobody's image
is beyond repair.
Teddy Kennedy
is three years removed
from leaving a body
in an estuary,
and he's still a viable
presidential candidate.
- Not my favorite analogy,
but...
Martha's Vineyard does sound
very appealing right now.
- Mm.
But you know
you shouldn't be hiding.
You should fight back.
Churchill said that, "A lie
gets halfway around the world
before the truth
puts its pants on."
- Doug's not interested
in the truth.
- Well, you did get
in business with a man
who doesn't know a thing about
publishing a real magazine.
You deserve a publisher who
has the right media contacts,
someone who understands
major markets,
who has relationships
with advertisers,
who knows that
fall issues are the biggest
and January's a wash.
- It sounds like you have
someone in mind.
- It's not your fault
that you got into bed
with the wrong guy.
You were just so desperate
for a yes
that you went with someone
who doesn't know a thing
about who you are
and what you want to do.
- But if someone like you
were my publisher...
- Well,
now that you mention it,
I have been looking
to make a move.
"Lad" magazine
is very limiting,
and they don't see
my potential.
- Spit it out, Glenn.
- I've been sitting on
a modest trust from Nana Lily.
- Since when?
- Since she died.
- In 1969?
- Yes.
And it's enough to set up shop.
"Minx" as our flagship title,
and you as our glamorous
editor in chief,
and me, our debonair publisher.
Look out, world.
- Where was this money
two years ago?
- Well, I didn't wanna blow it
on something unproven.
- Me.
You didn't want
to blow it on me.
Oh, my God.
But now that everyone
is talking about my magazine,
now, suddenly,
you wanna invest?
- Only you can turn this
into something nefarious.
I'm--I'm trying to help.
- Help yourself!
- What is so funny?
- I realized that you
trying to steal my magazine--
that is the most ambitious
thing you've ever done.
- Ooh, you look hot, babe.
- It's, like, 91 degrees.
Why do people dress like this?
- Everyone's gonna wanna
talk to you,
and I'll be right by your side.
Thank you.
♪ ♪
Everyone is so staggeringly
handsome, I kid you not.
- They're so cute.
Hi!
Hey, you mingle.
I'll go grab us some drinks.
- Mingle?
Uh...
Is that--
Motherfuck.
- What's happening here?
This chick gonna show?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
No, she's gonna come.
I triple confirmed with her.
She's just driving.
You know, women.
- Cream and two sugars, sugar.
♪ ♪
- But if she doesn't show,
I'll be happy to step in.
I got a--I got
a million stories, believe me.
I taught her
everything she knows.
I'm a lot of fun.
- Where's the mic?
- Go. Go.
- You really think
we're gonna be sitting here
in 40 years
talking about Goldie Hawn?
- Not just her, her children.
She's going to start an empire.
- That's not a world
I want to live in.
- Hi, sorry, um,
do any of you happen to drive
a green and white pickup?
Is that
to a green and white pickup?
- Blue Celica. You want?
♪ ♪
- I hear
I'm holding you hostage.
Dreadfully sorry.
- Mr. Hockney.
- I'm always the last one here.
End up trapping everybody else.
That's the burden of my life.
And tell me who you are, then.
I used to know everybody
at Ed's parties,
but seems like this town
is just moving on without me.
- Oh, well, I'm a nobody.
I'm Richie.
I shoot for "Minx."
It's a magazine that--
- Oh, no, brilliant.
I love "Minx."
That second issue--
yeah, that was tops.
- Oh, you've read it?
- Yeah, well,
all we get are these
tortured physique poses.
Beefcakes on the boardwalk
which, uh,
with the right mood,
I mean, why not?
But you're giving us
actual male desire.
That's really something.
- Thank you.
It's funny 'cause people have
been ripping us to shreds, so--
- That's the price
of being a pioneer, I suppose.
Misunderstood by most.
You'll get used to it.
- And we're back!
Well, there is a hot new
magazine on the stands,
and everyone seems to have
an opinion about it.
We're lucky enough to have
the brains behind "Minx."
It's a real lightning rod.
- You got the rod part right.
- Please welcome
the lady editor of "Minx,"
Joyce Prigger.
- Just editor.
Happy to be here.
- Listeners,
this may surprise you,
but Joyce is quite the looker.
You hear "feminist"
and you think...
- That's funny, you both
look exactly like I imagined.
Whoa!
- So, Joyce,
why do you hate men?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa,
she doesn't hate men.
You check out her mag?
She loves us.
- Eh, maybe not us,
but a little part
that tickles her fancy.
- To interject,
I don't hate men at all.
But one thing
I find curious about them
is when they ask a woman
a question
and then don't let her
answer it.
- Oh, no,
I think we ticked her off
right out of the gate, Willy.
- Oh, we're just
messing around.
There's no reason
to get your nose out of joint.
- Another thing I love
is when men try to tell me
how I should be feeling.
"Minx" is not
about hating men.
It's about empowering women.
Does that scare you, Willy?
- Of course not.
- Right, 'cause how could
little ol' me
scare a big man like you?
Franco, on the other hand,
should be terrified.
- Nancy, you don't have
those privileges.
- See, now that is
what my magazine is all about.
Men have had their finger
on the button for a long time.
- Well, that's my button,
and she knows the rules.
- We're not trying to take
your button away, Willy.
Women just want access
to the button,
or, failing that,
we want our own button,
one as loud
and obnoxious as yours.
- Oh, you're just off
to a great start, toots.
- I get it.
I get it. I do.
The thought
of a female pornographer--
that makes people
pretty uncomfortable.
It made me uncomfortable,
but I'm doing it anyway.
And there is nothing
that you can do to co-opt it
or diminish it
or take that away from me.
Will, you look at porn, right?
- That's between me and my--
yes.
- Franco,
I don't even need to ask.
Male desire is celebrated.
There is an entire industry
built on servicing it.
Why should female desire
be any different?
We got more nerve endings
in our sex organs than you do.
- No. Absolutely not!
- Men like you are really good
at limiting women's options.
Now maybe, just maybe,
you guys are worried
that my magazine can offer them
something that you can't.
- One thing I'm certain of
is that Wanda Wilkerson
is satisfied
in the bedroom department.
- Are you, though?
- Never had a single complaint.
- And I'm sure
that your marriages
are built on openness
and communication.
- Actually, I'm single.
- Shocker.
But as a woman, let me
let you in on a little secret.
What she tells you
and what's really happening
may not be the same thing.
I happen to know a woman
who's been married
for 16 years--
three kids, perfect life.
But her husband has never
been able to give her
the fullest experience
of lovemaking.
She has never said
a peep about it,
so he keeps flying blind
thinking he's pleasuring her.
But I'm sure that things
between you and Wanda
are different.
- We could give her a call
after the break.
Hear her side of the story.
- Great idea, Nancy.
♪ ♪
- How much to get
one of these in platinum?
- We sold out everywhere.
- Word travels fast.
- Dick Cavett's talent booker
told me
when she called to check
Joyce's availability.
- No.
"The Dick Cavett Show"?
In New York fuckin' City?
How is your news
better than my news?
This is annoying.
I had great news.
- You'll get over it.
- All right, I need to hear it.
- Seriously?
- Yeah, I'm a petty man.
I want to hear it.
All right, maybe I'll make it
easier for you.
You were right too.
I was irresponsible,
I was in over my head, I...
I went a little nuts.
And then I got lucky.
- Thank you.
- And?
You were right.
- ♪ My baby's
a natural beauty ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ I said
my baby's a natural beauty ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ She's a natural beauty ♪
♪ Aww ♪
- The penis is completely out
of proportion to the original.
- Yeah, it was a whole thing.
- Yes, we know.
- I hope no one's got
anywhere to be,
because I just blocked in
about five people.
- Well, now they have
a reason to stay.
Hey, everyone, this is Joyce.
The minx behind "Minx."
- God save the queen of dicks.
♪ ♪
- ♪ Win, place or show ♪
♪ She's number one
at my door ♪
♪ My baby, she's a winner ♪
♪ Stone, very braid ♪
♪ Got a lot of brains
in her head ♪
♪ She's got a lot of style ♪
♪ She makes my life
worthwhile ♪
♪ Personality,
oh, she's the girl for me ♪
♪ Sometimes
she's out of line ♪
♪ But I'd give her
my last dime ♪
♪ Win, place or show ♪
♪ She's number one
at my door ♪
♪ My baby, she's a winner ♪
♪ Win, place or show ♪
- ♪ Win, place or show ♪
- ♪ She's number one
at my door ♪
♪ My baby, she's a winner ♪
- ♪ She's a winner ♪
♪ Running with me,
nobody could compare ♪
♪ She's choice greatly beef ♪
♪ A love oh, so sweet ♪
♪ Understanding too,
that's why she never loose ♪
♪ So different from the rest,
that's why she's the best ♪
♪ Win, place or show ♪
- ♪ Win, place or show ♪
- ♪ She's number one
at my door ♪
♪ My baby, she's a winner ♪
here at Woodbridge,
but just a few nights ago,
the campus was in flames
over a new pornographic
ladies' magazine called "Minx."
Copies
of the frisky periodical
blew through the quad,
igniting a raucous debate
that has left locals raging.
- They're called privates
for a reason.
- This is yet another example
of the media industrial complex
amplifying the voices
of mainstream feminists.
- Reading this is supposed
to make girls want sex?
I don't get it.
- Local action groups
have already formed
to protest the magazine.
- This filth has no place
in our community.
I stand with the concerned
citizens of Encino,
decent, God-fearing people
who will help us win the fight
for the soul
of the San Fernando Valley.
- Okay, okay.
Keep it up. Keep it up.
- I have negatives to print.
Can I just--
- Less talkin', more lickin'.
- I used to love hearing that.
- More envelopes, please.
- There you go.
"Champions of Chatsworth
Chastity"--good.
"Virgin Vigilantes
of Van Nuys."
I can't even say that one.
- No one can.
That's why it's gonna be
so funny on the news.
This one's my masterpiece.
- "Heavy-Hearted Housewives
of Hollywood Hills."
- They call that alliteration.
- Okay, you're fucking with me.
I know this move.
- I don't know
what you're talking about.
- I'm trying to pull a rabbit
out of a hat here.
Could you please help me?
- Ooh, "Matronly Magicians
of Mulholland."
- I hate it
when Mom and Dad fight.
- Wait, so none
of these groups are real?
- Doug, may I have a word,
please?
- Let me do my job.
It's working.
I'm moving. I'm shaking.
I'm stirring the pot.
People are talking.
- Yeah, but it's all criticism.
- If everybody was loving it,
we wouldn't have a story.
Joyce, I got reporters
calling me from everywhere--
from the
"San Francisco Chronicle,"
from the
"Philadelphia Inquirer."
- That's a lesser paper.
- It's working.
And you did a killer job
stepping up issue two.
And Richie's cover?
Very sexy stuff, Joyce.
Yes!
Look at how many more dicks
you got.
- Mm-hmm.
- You should be so proud
of this excellent magazine.
- Yeah, but what's the point
of making it excellent
if everybody's reading it
the wrong way?
- What do you mean by that?
You mean, like, back to front?
- I want women to feel
empowered, not embarrassed.
Let me talk to these reporters.
- Oh, no, no, not a chance.
The plan is working.
You'll just Joyce it up.
- We are scaring away
our target audience.
- Just--all right,
you know what?
I'll give you one reporter.
- Oh, my God,
you're so generous.
Okay, stuffy. Mean.
Notoriously grabby.
Beulah Barrett called?
She does the best profiles
on celebrities in crisis.
Am I a celebrity?
- Sure, you're a celebrity.
Here, give them to me.
Tell them your vision
for issue two.
- Yeah.
- And then
why don't you do this?
Why don't you, uh...
teach them
how they should read it?
- With a yellow highlighter
and an open heart.
- ♪ Ooh-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Ha ♪
- Oh, how funny.
We missed this one.
Let me just, uh...
ah, but wait, it's for me.
There are no coincidences.
Chairman Mao taught me that.
- "Dear Richie,
noticed your work in 'Minx.'
Come see us sometime.
Let's chat."
Edward Shawn
of the Edward Shawn Gallery.
- Oh, my God,
he has two first names.
That's so fancy.
- I know.
He has the chicest gallery
in West Hollywood
and a real eye
for emerging artists.
He taught David Hockney
how to swim.
- Wow. What if he wants
to show your photos?
Or what if he wants
to have sex with you?
Sometimes it's both.
- Mm, just says chat.
- I am so glad
someone is finally getting
the recognition they deserve
around here.
- Yes, well,
whenever it happens for me
and I become famous,
I promise
we'll still be friends.
I'm already famous,
so I understand.
- Ms. Prigger?
Terrence Carpenter,
"Associated Press."
- Uh, what happened to Beulah?
- Last-minute
emergency sit-down
with Cloris Leachman.
You understand.
- Oh, yeah, of course.
Cloris Leachman is...
- More important than you.
It's not personal.
- Uh, no, I know.
I'm just, um...
I was really looking forward
to speaking with Beulah.
- Oh, yeah, well, I mean,
I could say the same about you.
I cover the publishing beat
at the "AP,"
and I have been following
the chatter about "Minx."
New magazine.
Starting to make some noise.
Not easy.
- Well, I'm just grateful
to be part
of the conversation, really.
- Well, let's dive into
the story of Joyce Prigger.
- Okay.
- When did the matriarchy
first awaken?
- You've done your research,
I see.
- That's the job,
as you're aware,
being a journalist yourself.
- Well, I guess my story starts
where every good story starts.
Seneca Falls, 1848.
- Did you actually say that?
- Obviously not.
I said I wanted to start
a conversation
about female oppression.
My point of view has been
egregiously misrepresented.
- Okay, okay, hold on.
"When pressed on 'Minx's'
intended audience,
"Prigger cast a wide net,
encouraging girls
as young as 13
to seek out her magazine"?
- I said that
I wish I had access
to this kind of material
when I was coming of age.
- Oh, you are coming of age.
Believe me.
- We have to fix this.
We've gotta demand
a retraction.
- No way.
This is a national story.
It's been picked up
by 180 papers
just as we have
released issue two.
This is a jackpot.
Oh, this one's even better.
"Pornographer defends riot,
advocates for adolescent
sexual awakening"?
Joyce,
you're a fucking gold mine!
- Oh, my God.
♪ ♪
Are you
Ricardo Montes Izquierda?
- No.
Thank you.
- Don't they sort of belong
to me by now?
- There's no statute
of limitations
on borrowed pumps.
Thank you.
And I'm coming
for that clutch, missy.
- Are you sure
you can't stay for a drink?
- Well, I would, I just--
I want to hit the highway
before the smog rolls in.
- Well, maybe you can
come by the office this week.
We all miss you.
- I promise
I'm gonna stop by soon.
It's just been so crazy
at the house
and things with Lenny
have been a little off.
- I just--I really could have
used you the last few days.
It's--everybody hates me,
Shel.
First it was the magazine,
but now I am the one
being pilloried.
- Joycey, when no one would
publish your magazine,
do you remember
how miserable you were?
- Yeah, it's terrible
to be ignored.
- And then after
the first issue came out
and no one bought it,
you felt like
it was the end of the world.
- That's because it landed
with a deafening thud.
It's a real shock
to the system.
- I'm just saying,
if every step has been torture,
it makes me wonder,
do you even want a magazine?
- Of course I want a magazine.
It's just it's harder
than I thought it was gonna be,
that's all.
- Yeah, well, most things are.
Ooh, Daltons.
I love their financiers.
- Oh.
- Secret admirer?
- Bye.
- Well, thank you
for joining me.
- You know
how much I love to see
our profitable magazines
in their natural environment.
Ahh, "Naked Nurses."
Ugh, 70% margin.
Now that's sexy.
- Where the hell is "Minx"?
- Oh, no.
Has the crown jewel
of the Bottom Dollar empire
gone missing yet again?
- Hey, Artie!
I thought we'd been over this.
Where's my dick mag?
- Gone. They took it all.
- Seized?
Sure, that tracks.
- No, sold.
I put it on the stands,
gone in two hours.
You gotta get me more.
- No problem.
- So get this, Franco.
Some broad right here
in sunny LA, Joyce Prigger,
is putting out a magazine
full of naked guys
to help the females
feel more satisfied.
- Ha! You know,
I bet if Little Miss Prigger
had a real-life jolly stick
to play with,
she would have
saved herself the trouble.
- Whoo!
We just sold out in Cleveland!
- Oh!
- What? Ha!
- Whoo!
♪ ♪
- Well,
she's calling it "Minx",
and she has filled it
with all of her
feminist mumbo jumbo.
Are you reading this, Nancy?
- You better believe it,
Billy Boy.
- Fellas, keep a leash
on your ladies.
Don't want 'em
getting any big ideas.
- I want a raise.
- That's the thing
about these libbers.
They wanna fix something
that ain't broken.
- How hard is it
to get your nails done
and cook a nice meal?
- We just sold out Vegas!
Whoo!
♪ ♪
Whoo!
Yeah!
- Chicks like Joyce Prigger,
nothing but trouble.
But I know the type.
Once some unlucky guy
takes her off the market,
she'll shut her trap.
- Oh, if any
of our loyal listeners
wanna jump on that grenade,
you'll be a hero to us all.
- New York City!
♪ ♪
Parks, not porn!
Parks, not porn!
Parks, not porn!
Parks, not porn!
Parks, not porn!
- Friends, neighbors,
wives, mothers,
we didn't ask for this war,
but I promise you,
we're ready to fight it.
If Joyce Prigger
and her soldiers of smut
wanna put their magazines
into the hands of our children,
well, they're going to have
to get through us first.
- Hey, Richie.
- Hey.
"Richie,
"congrats on
a fabulous second issue.
"Having a little salon
for some of my artists
"at my place in the hills.
"Bring your colleagues.
Would love to celebrate with
the whole 'Minx' team. Edward."
We have to go.
- I'm pretty busy.
I don't think I can make--
- What?
You were so excited
to meet him.
Oh, no.
He tried to sleep with you.
You did sleep with him?
You slept with him twice?
It was good? It was bad.
He hates his mother.
- Stop.
I bailed, okay?
I got there and it was
way out of my league.
There's no chance
I'm ever gonna be
up on a wall next to Hockney.
- You know,
when I stepped on my first set,
I didn't feel like I belonged.
I'm not even really sure
how I got there.
But the photographer could tell
I was really nervous,
and so he walked over to me
and he said,
"You're not gonna be
hot forever.
"Now take off those shorts
and get on that elephant
and ride."
Oh, this industry.
- Babes, you're so talented.
You just need to shine bright
and show everyone
how much you're worth.
Plus, Joyce could use some fun.
We could make a night of it.
- Okay, fine, fine,
but I get to leave
whenever I want.
- Okay, you say that now,
but last time I went
to a party in the hills,
I stayed for a year.
And then the murders started.
You're gonna love it.
- The Manson murders?
- Not those!
- The library,
one of my favorite places
in the entire world.
- I mean, she has a point.
Even I don't think
"Minx" should be in a library.
- I never said that.
You know, just to play
devil's advocate,
who is to say
it's the worst idea
to bring these concepts
to the common square?
- If you think people should be
able to check out your magazine
while also getting a copy
of "Huckleberry Finn,"
I think that's an opinion
you need to share
with the whole world.
- Oh, yeah,
you would love that.
- No, I love selling magazines.
And speaking of,
would you be willing
to go on "Willy and Franco"?
Pump up our numbers
a little bit?
- I wouldn't go
anywhere near them.
They're Neanderthals.
- Neanderthals
with a national audience.
- Doug, I am getting hate mail.
Bags and bags of it.
- Four-letter word.
Four-letter word.
Five-letter word.
Death threat.
Oh, God,
and this absolute chestnut
from Bottom Dollar's
biggest fan, Norman.
"Women in pornography
should be seen and not heard
"and certainly should not be
given their own magazine.
"Like that vile temptress
Yoko Ono,
"you are single-handedly
unraveling America's Beatles.
Bottom Dollar Publications."
- Aww, he thinks
we're The Beatles.
- Doug!
- Joyce, I've been
in this business a long time,
and as you know,
it is not always a popular one.
I want to show you
something special.
- Oh, God.
- A few of my favorite
love letters.
"If I had a time machine,
I'd go back to 1933
"and kill you as a toddler,
then, time permitting,
I'd go to Germany
and I'd kill Hitler."
- That is horrible.
- No, if somebody is willing
to write you a letter,
that means you got them.
That means that you matter.
- What you're describing
is masochism.
- No, what I'm describing
is not giving a shit.
You should try that sometime.
Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm.
- Really enjoying this, huh?
- I am.
The only way
this could be any better
is you admitting
that I was right.
- Like you knew
any of this was gonna happen.
- Hey, I had a hunch.
- You were
blindly throwing darts
praying one would hit.
And one did,
right in the ass
of our patron saint,
Joyce Prigger, huh?
- Sure, if she holds.
- Mm-hmm.
- You've hitched your wagon
to a star
that's about to supernova
out of existence.
- Nah, I'm good.
I'm thinking of upping
our next print run
to a cool million.
- Why not two?
- Now she's ready to dance.
Why not two?
- Just hope it's not
on the deck of the "Titanic."
- Hey, those people were
in a bad situation,
and they made the best of it.
- And then they all died.
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
- Hey.
What're you doing here--
♪ ♪
- No, don't talk.
♪ ♪
- Morning.
- Good morning.
- That was fun.
- Yes, it was.
- I forgot how good
we are at this.
That was a little better.
Right?
- Well, you did read
"Aphrodesia."
- Mm-hmm.
Come here.
- I wish I could
just hide out here all day.
- You can.
I'll field your calls.
Beat away all those assholes
running their mouths.
- God, it's a bit late
for that.
- What are you talking about?
Nobody's image
is beyond repair.
Teddy Kennedy
is three years removed
from leaving a body
in an estuary,
and he's still a viable
presidential candidate.
- Not my favorite analogy,
but...
Martha's Vineyard does sound
very appealing right now.
- Mm.
But you know
you shouldn't be hiding.
You should fight back.
Churchill said that, "A lie
gets halfway around the world
before the truth
puts its pants on."
- Doug's not interested
in the truth.
- Well, you did get
in business with a man
who doesn't know a thing about
publishing a real magazine.
You deserve a publisher who
has the right media contacts,
someone who understands
major markets,
who has relationships
with advertisers,
who knows that
fall issues are the biggest
and January's a wash.
- It sounds like you have
someone in mind.
- It's not your fault
that you got into bed
with the wrong guy.
You were just so desperate
for a yes
that you went with someone
who doesn't know a thing
about who you are
and what you want to do.
- But if someone like you
were my publisher...
- Well,
now that you mention it,
I have been looking
to make a move.
"Lad" magazine
is very limiting,
and they don't see
my potential.
- Spit it out, Glenn.
- I've been sitting on
a modest trust from Nana Lily.
- Since when?
- Since she died.
- In 1969?
- Yes.
And it's enough to set up shop.
"Minx" as our flagship title,
and you as our glamorous
editor in chief,
and me, our debonair publisher.
Look out, world.
- Where was this money
two years ago?
- Well, I didn't wanna blow it
on something unproven.
- Me.
You didn't want
to blow it on me.
Oh, my God.
But now that everyone
is talking about my magazine,
now, suddenly,
you wanna invest?
- Only you can turn this
into something nefarious.
I'm--I'm trying to help.
- Help yourself!
- What is so funny?
- I realized that you
trying to steal my magazine--
that is the most ambitious
thing you've ever done.
- Ooh, you look hot, babe.
- It's, like, 91 degrees.
Why do people dress like this?
- Everyone's gonna wanna
talk to you,
and I'll be right by your side.
Thank you.
♪ ♪
Everyone is so staggeringly
handsome, I kid you not.
- They're so cute.
Hi!
Hey, you mingle.
I'll go grab us some drinks.
- Mingle?
Uh...
Is that--
Motherfuck.
- What's happening here?
This chick gonna show?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
No, she's gonna come.
I triple confirmed with her.
She's just driving.
You know, women.
- Cream and two sugars, sugar.
♪ ♪
- But if she doesn't show,
I'll be happy to step in.
I got a--I got
a million stories, believe me.
I taught her
everything she knows.
I'm a lot of fun.
- Where's the mic?
- Go. Go.
- You really think
we're gonna be sitting here
in 40 years
talking about Goldie Hawn?
- Not just her, her children.
She's going to start an empire.
- That's not a world
I want to live in.
- Hi, sorry, um,
do any of you happen to drive
a green and white pickup?
Is that
to a green and white pickup?
- Blue Celica. You want?
♪ ♪
- I hear
I'm holding you hostage.
Dreadfully sorry.
- Mr. Hockney.
- I'm always the last one here.
End up trapping everybody else.
That's the burden of my life.
And tell me who you are, then.
I used to know everybody
at Ed's parties,
but seems like this town
is just moving on without me.
- Oh, well, I'm a nobody.
I'm Richie.
I shoot for "Minx."
It's a magazine that--
- Oh, no, brilliant.
I love "Minx."
That second issue--
yeah, that was tops.
- Oh, you've read it?
- Yeah, well,
all we get are these
tortured physique poses.
Beefcakes on the boardwalk
which, uh,
with the right mood,
I mean, why not?
But you're giving us
actual male desire.
That's really something.
- Thank you.
It's funny 'cause people have
been ripping us to shreds, so--
- That's the price
of being a pioneer, I suppose.
Misunderstood by most.
You'll get used to it.
- And we're back!
Well, there is a hot new
magazine on the stands,
and everyone seems to have
an opinion about it.
We're lucky enough to have
the brains behind "Minx."
It's a real lightning rod.
- You got the rod part right.
- Please welcome
the lady editor of "Minx,"
Joyce Prigger.
- Just editor.
Happy to be here.
- Listeners,
this may surprise you,
but Joyce is quite the looker.
You hear "feminist"
and you think...
- That's funny, you both
look exactly like I imagined.
Whoa!
- So, Joyce,
why do you hate men?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa,
she doesn't hate men.
You check out her mag?
She loves us.
- Eh, maybe not us,
but a little part
that tickles her fancy.
- To interject,
I don't hate men at all.
But one thing
I find curious about them
is when they ask a woman
a question
and then don't let her
answer it.
- Oh, no,
I think we ticked her off
right out of the gate, Willy.
- Oh, we're just
messing around.
There's no reason
to get your nose out of joint.
- Another thing I love
is when men try to tell me
how I should be feeling.
"Minx" is not
about hating men.
It's about empowering women.
Does that scare you, Willy?
- Of course not.
- Right, 'cause how could
little ol' me
scare a big man like you?
Franco, on the other hand,
should be terrified.
- Nancy, you don't have
those privileges.
- See, now that is
what my magazine is all about.
Men have had their finger
on the button for a long time.
- Well, that's my button,
and she knows the rules.
- We're not trying to take
your button away, Willy.
Women just want access
to the button,
or, failing that,
we want our own button,
one as loud
and obnoxious as yours.
- Oh, you're just off
to a great start, toots.
- I get it.
I get it. I do.
The thought
of a female pornographer--
that makes people
pretty uncomfortable.
It made me uncomfortable,
but I'm doing it anyway.
And there is nothing
that you can do to co-opt it
or diminish it
or take that away from me.
Will, you look at porn, right?
- That's between me and my--
yes.
- Franco,
I don't even need to ask.
Male desire is celebrated.
There is an entire industry
built on servicing it.
Why should female desire
be any different?
We got more nerve endings
in our sex organs than you do.
- No. Absolutely not!
- Men like you are really good
at limiting women's options.
Now maybe, just maybe,
you guys are worried
that my magazine can offer them
something that you can't.
- One thing I'm certain of
is that Wanda Wilkerson
is satisfied
in the bedroom department.
- Are you, though?
- Never had a single complaint.
- And I'm sure
that your marriages
are built on openness
and communication.
- Actually, I'm single.
- Shocker.
But as a woman, let me
let you in on a little secret.
What she tells you
and what's really happening
may not be the same thing.
I happen to know a woman
who's been married
for 16 years--
three kids, perfect life.
But her husband has never
been able to give her
the fullest experience
of lovemaking.
She has never said
a peep about it,
so he keeps flying blind
thinking he's pleasuring her.
But I'm sure that things
between you and Wanda
are different.
- We could give her a call
after the break.
Hear her side of the story.
- Great idea, Nancy.
♪ ♪
- How much to get
one of these in platinum?
- We sold out everywhere.
- Word travels fast.
- Dick Cavett's talent booker
told me
when she called to check
Joyce's availability.
- No.
"The Dick Cavett Show"?
In New York fuckin' City?
How is your news
better than my news?
This is annoying.
I had great news.
- You'll get over it.
- All right, I need to hear it.
- Seriously?
- Yeah, I'm a petty man.
I want to hear it.
All right, maybe I'll make it
easier for you.
You were right too.
I was irresponsible,
I was in over my head, I...
I went a little nuts.
And then I got lucky.
- Thank you.
- And?
You were right.
- ♪ My baby's
a natural beauty ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ I said
my baby's a natural beauty ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ She's a natural beauty ♪
♪ Aww ♪
- The penis is completely out
of proportion to the original.
- Yeah, it was a whole thing.
- Yes, we know.
- I hope no one's got
anywhere to be,
because I just blocked in
about five people.
- Well, now they have
a reason to stay.
Hey, everyone, this is Joyce.
The minx behind "Minx."
- God save the queen of dicks.
♪ ♪
- ♪ Win, place or show ♪
♪ She's number one
at my door ♪
♪ My baby, she's a winner ♪
♪ Stone, very braid ♪
♪ Got a lot of brains
in her head ♪
♪ She's got a lot of style ♪
♪ She makes my life
worthwhile ♪
♪ Personality,
oh, she's the girl for me ♪
♪ Sometimes
she's out of line ♪
♪ But I'd give her
my last dime ♪
♪ Win, place or show ♪
♪ She's number one
at my door ♪
♪ My baby, she's a winner ♪
♪ Win, place or show ♪
- ♪ Win, place or show ♪
- ♪ She's number one
at my door ♪
♪ My baby, she's a winner ♪
- ♪ She's a winner ♪
♪ Running with me,
nobody could compare ♪
♪ She's choice greatly beef ♪
♪ A love oh, so sweet ♪
♪ Understanding too,
that's why she never loose ♪
♪ So different from the rest,
that's why she's the best ♪
♪ Win, place or show ♪
- ♪ Win, place or show ♪
- ♪ She's number one
at my door ♪
♪ My baby, she's a winner ♪