Minx (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Au revoir, le double dong - full transcript
- I'm sorry I was late,
Miss Melons.
I promise
it'll never happen again.
- I'm sorry,
can we take a short break?
I just have a tiny question.
- Okay. Make it quick, Bambi.
Blackboard's a rental.
- Right.
Just wondering, should I really
be punishing her?
- Uh, yeah. That's kind of
the premise of the magazine.
- No, I get that.
It's just that maybe she
was tardy for a reason.
Did anyone ask her?
Maybe there's trouble at home.
- Sexy trouble.
- These are the naughty
schoolgirls of Bad Girl High.
They do bad stuff.
- Mm-hmm.
- You spank their bottoms.
That's the whole story.
- Typically, yes.
Uh, but maybe not
in this instance.
Okay? Staci, please rise.
Hey, you can tell me.
Was there a reason that you
were late this morning?
- Uh...
Um...
my dad was working late.
- Right. 'Cause he's a cop
and he works the graveyard
shift with his partner, Rico.
- Yeah.
Yeah, and there was a shootout.
- And Rico didn't make it,
so you were comforting
your dad.
- Well, since Mom died,
I'm all he's got.
- And for this
she is getting spanked?
We should be supporting her,
not punishing her
for her kindness.
Times they are a-changing,
Phil.
Staci needs to be
getting her degree
so she can bring this
compassion to the workforce.
- I don't know what the fuck
you're talking about,
but this is the energy we need.
- I'm trying to make
an important point here, Phil.
- This isn't "Minx."
We don't do points.
Stacy, bend over.
And, uh, lick the apple.
♪ ♪
- ♪ Gimme, gimme good lovin' ♪
♪ Every night ♪
You know it's all right now.
child.
- Hey, Terri.
- Hi.
- Ooh, lookin' good, Joel.
- Ah, thanks, Joyce.
- Great.
Oh, Alisdair.
He got his fur washed.
Hey.
Carnal Coeds back in session,
are they?
- I wish.
I'm somehow on the tenure track
at Bad Girl High.
Speaking of,
if there's any way
I can be more involved
at "Minx"...
- What happened to
centerfold coordination?
- Well, turns out that's
a two-day-a-month job,
but I have
30 days of inspiration.
- Well yeah, sure.
What do you have in mind?
- Um, I could always do the,
um...
Or, um, you know the, uh...
- You know what?
You just have a think
and you let me know.
- Okay.
- Okay?
- Bonjour, ma belle.
- Bonjour.
- Guess what you
get to approve?
- Oh, my God, really?
Already?
How do they look?
- Oh, decent.
I think maybe next time
I'd go two stops darker.
But, uh, you tell me.
- Oh, they're even better
than I imagined.
- Oh, thank God
you think so too!
- I love that we're saying
something, you know?
You see the pain in his eyes?
It's like he's internalizing
the harassment
endured by generations
of women.
- That's actually the moment
he found out
what we're paying him.
- Oh, well--
- Hey, kid.
- Yeah?
- You ready to go?
- Yes.
Been ready my whole life.
Just selling ad space
for my magazine.
- He's taking you with him?
- Yup.
Culmination
of a childhood dream.
No big deal.
It is a big deal.
- I'm here if you need me.
- Great.
- Right on!
I'm not recognizing
a lot of these buyers.
What happened to
the mission-driven nonprofits
I mentioned?
- Oh, we need companies
who can actually
give us money.
That's kind of how we finance
this operation
unless you wanna sell "Minx"
for 49.99.
- I would pay that.
- Oh, cool. Well, that's one.
- Oh, can we add the
Feminist Federal Credit Union?
- Joycie, my ad guys
did their homework.
These are all huge gets.
We'll be lucky if any
of these people want in, okay?
Don't be nervous.
Just be your classy
Harvard self.
- Vassar.
- Whatever.
Women's liberation.
What does it mean?
Well, I'll tell you
what it means to me.
It means liberating women
from the $400 million
in disposable income
they spend every year.
- Our format melds the precepts
of female emancipation
with mature but thematically
appropriate content.
We think of ourselves
as creating the female gaze.
Women are sexual,
but it starts with the brain.
- You see, one issue of "Cosmo"
sold over 3 million copies
in one month.
Why? 'Cause that good old
Burt Reynolds
showed his hairy thighs.
Not your cup of tea,
maybe not mine.
Who cares?
'Cause we're talking
about money--a lot of money.
And I'm guessing that's what--
- So much flavor
in one little box.
- Wolfhagen.
Three beers takes me
from bow to wow!
- Yum-derwear.
A candy coating
for that juicy center.
- I'm telling you,
Minx is gonna give it to 'em
and we're gonna
give it to 'em good.
Maybe two, but Pleasure Garden?
I mean, they're huge
and they never had a way
to market directly to women.
Now they do.
So 10, 15 ads--
that alone pays for our book.
Kid,
we're gonna wet the panties
of every chick in America.
- Hey, where're you going?
The car is that way.
What's the problem, Joyce?
That went great.
- The ads were an affront
to all womenkind.
And those products--
ball gags and French ticklers?
- What's the pr--
do you hate sex?
- No. No! It's--no.
I--it's just--it's--it's--
No. It's supposed to be
private is all.
And it's just people like me,
we don't discuss...
vaginal lubricant.
- Don't be such a snob.
The world does not begin
and end in Pasadena.
- Yeah.
Our magazine might, though.
- Okay.
- If want a certain kind
of reader,
we have to advertise
upscale products.
Okay? We gotta lure them in
with pantyhose
and perfume--things that
make them feel safe.
- You think I never tried
to get Cadillacs and caviar?
Classy companies
have never put their ad
across from a pair of titties.
And they're certainly not going
anywhere near a dong.
- Yeah, no. Obviously not when
you talk about it like that.
Maybe it's better
if I just speak with
the high-end buyers directly.
What?
- What does she think
she's gonna do?
Just cold call
a shampoo company?
- Doug.
- I mean, I only
brought her along so that
these guys would know
that I was legit.
Tin, she's like the, um...
she's like the hood ornament,
right?
But me, I'm the whole car.
- You done?
- No, I'm never done.
You know that. But go ahead.
- It pains me to say this,
but they kind of liked
the hood ornament.
Pleasure Garden called.
They want in.
- No kidding?
- But their in-house guys
don't know how to do
an ad for ladies,
so they want us
to spec it for them.
Joyce is gonna love this.
You jokers hit the jackpot
on this one.
This ad is gonna write itself.
- All hail Lucifer's Horn.
- What's the deal
with the double ends?
Those "Minx" chicks got
two fox holes or something?
- It's for lesbians, Perry.
You know, the only women
not attracted to you.
- Give me five minutes
with 'em.
- Five minutes
seems about right.
- There have to be better
advertisers than that.
- Do you get
who your audience is?
I mean, "Minx" is for sexually
liberated chicks, okay?
- Yes, but our penis is for
political purposes, okay?
It's about shifting
power dynamics
and gender reparations.
- Kid,
I hate to break it to you,
but you can't control
what readers are gonna do
with that fireman's schlong.
Some might even jerk off to it.
- I don't have to help them
do that.
- And no one's asking you to.
I got my best ad guys on it.
- Oh, my God.
I could have done
anything with my life.
I did quite well on the GRE.
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
- Oh, my God.
It's as big as his thigh!
Oh, Pedro, more tea please.
Thank you so much.
This is so cool.
I feel like
a secret agent.
- Yeah, well, it might stay
a secret forever.
Doug's ads, I'm telling you,
they could kill "Minx"
before it even
gets off the ground.
- I think you're overreacting.
Thank you.
- Oh, really? You do?
Okay, so would be comfortable
getting your nails done,
reading a magazine
full of double dongs.
- Double--doubles?
Doubles, did you say?
- The Prigger sisters.
- Hi, Mr. Ross.
- Hello, Mr. Ross.
- Oh, bacon.
Your generation of ladies--
not afraid to eat.
- Oh.
- It does keep one alive.
- My wife, she swears by half
a grapefruit each morning
and then on Wednesday,
she adds cottage cheese.
- Well, I've seen Bitsy
on the courts,
and she's looking
incredibly trim.
- Yeah. If only she had
Joyce's forehand.
- Oh, ha ha, well, she more
than makes up for it
with that nasty backhand
of hers.
- Oh, pancakes.
I see someone
is treating themselves.
- How dare they!
"On Thursdays I permit Bitsy
to loosen her girdle
by one notch."
- Oh, she sniffs
two blueberries
and then downs a fistful
of Dexedrine.
- How does that fossil
stay in power?
Mr. Ross has been president
here for, what,
like, 30 years?
- Yeah.
He's the richest.
And all these men
love to suck up.
You know it's not just tea
parties and tennis here, Joyce.
This is a place of business.
- I bet there are people here
who could teach me
a thing or two
about advertising.
You know, like, give me
the tools that I need
to convince Doug
to let me do it my way.
- Well, yeah, I mean, there's
more CEOs on the golf course
right now than this Doug fella
has met in his entire life.
- Mr. Irving.
Oh, I was so sorry
to hear about the tournament.
What happened to your niece,
it was a travesty.
- She doesn't hold a candle
to you on the courts.
- Oh.
- You were like a gazelle.
- That is very sweet.
Um, while I have you--
I'm in a new entrepreneurial
venture,
and I'd love to pick
your brain.
How do you make ad buys?
Is that agency based or
is that business to business?
- I came here to relax,
Miss Prigger,
not educate impudent
young ladies.
- Uh-huh.
What do you look for
in advertising partners?
Just a vague description
would suffice.
- It's a magazine with a penis.
- That sounds very nice.
- Yeah, thank you.
Thank you so much.
- I like looking at pictures.
- Do you?
- "While he's serving
his country,
she's serving herself."
- Vietnam? I don't know, guys.
Maybe we leave politics
out of it.
- Well, it's a cool gun
though, isn't it?
- Yeah. And she has
a weapon of her own.
See the symmetry?
- No, I got it.
What's next, guys?
- "No one will know your
dirty little secret."
Kinda shamey, right?
I mean, we want them to buy it.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Okay. Uh...
"When you don't have a ring,
it's the next best thing."
- Okay, that's just mean.
- Doesn't make it not true,
though.
- Guys, we don't wanna bully
these women.
We wanna get them off.
- Okay.
We did have this one other one.
It might be a little closer
to what you're looking for.
- Let's see it.
- We were thinking
women love strength, right? Mm?
"Trust the machine."
- All right. Thanks, guys.
Great.
- Well, that was a bust.
All they're willing to
talk to me about
is my figure
and my tennis game.
- Oh, your forehand
was a marvel.
But I guess they call it
a boys' club for a reason.
- Oh, my God. What now?
- Uh, Miss Prigger, um...
- Yeah, hi.
- Little bird told me that
you've been conducting business
on club grounds.
- Yeah, I was trying to,
anyway.
- You boys
make it look so easy.
- Then I became aware that you
are marketing explicit
and scandalous content
to young women?
- I wouldn't call women's
liberation scandalous.
- Well, you always were
the club rabble-rouser,
weren't you?
- I don't wanna be mean, Doug,
but these make me hate myself,
and I love myself.
- These make me hate men.
And they kind of make me
hate you.
- Oh, yeah. For sure.
- Please simmer down.
That's why I brought you guys
in here,
to get a female perspective,
right?
So I don't know. Bambi,
what would make you
buy a vibrator?
- I don't know--I have a whole
drawer full already.
But, I don't know, maybe if it
tickled a little deeper
or if it went, like, a--
Like a syncopation thing.
Or maybe if it played music.
Oh, also price is important.
I'm on a budget.
- These are all really great.
Any ideas how to take that
brainstorm and put it on paper?
- Um...
No.
I guess I can't be a magazine
advertising person.
Guess who harpooned a whale!
- Whoo!
Yeah!
- And then he said,
"I personally find nudity
"to be distasteful, but I
believe this venture of yours
will be popular
with modern women."
And I think he meant "modern"
like an insult,
but I will take what I can get.
- Beckley Cosmetics?
I never heard of them.
- It's just one of Mr. Ross'
many holdings,
a fact that you would know
if you had researched
upscale markets.
- Beckley's market
is the old folks' home.
No one under 80 wears it.
- And they test on bunnies.
- Oh, my God.
Enough with the bunnies, okay?
All they do is shit and fuck.
- So do we.
- How many ads
is this guy buying?
- We will know after our pitch
at the club tomorrow,
5:00 on the dot
during the Summer Soirée.
- Great.
Well, let me know how it goes.
- Uh, y--well, actually,
I--I suggested to Mr. Ross
that he sit with you as well.
Just out of respect, you know,
so that we both have a voice
in the process.
- He wants to meet
your male publisher.
- All right, fine.
There is a patriarchal mindset
amongst the establishment.
But that is exactly
why we need "Minx," okay?
It's to dismantle these systems
of oppression.
- One lipstick ad at a time.
- I wanna go on record
and say that this is bullshit.
It's a rich-girl-favor meeting
and I will come
and I will give it my best,
but if this doesn't work,
you're all in on
the Pleasure Garden.
- Your skepticism is my fuel.
- Ooh, we're shaking.
- Mm-hmm.
- Saddle up, partners, we're
going to the "cunty" club.
- Um...
- Well, if you're gonna
drag me to some lame party,
I'm bringing people
who can hang.
- Well, it's just they won't
have fun there.
- Clubs are a gas.
JP Getty and I
used to make love
on the golf course
at Maidstone.
- Mm. And I love mingling
with the colonizers.
- Tins, you do love a raw bar.
- Not as much as I love
an open bar.
- Oh. Wow.
The more the merrier, then.
- Looks like the hood
ornament's driving the car now.
♪ ♪
- ♪ I had whole day plannin' ♪
♪ All kind of I'm comin' ♪
♪ I had whole day plannin' ♪
♪ All kind of I'm comin' ♪
♪ They said
there will be people ♪
♪ And they don't care
'bout trouble ♪
♪ But tell them
don't worry with me ♪
♪ Is a different thing,
1963 ♪
♪ Because the road... ♪
- Joyce.
- Hello, Glenn.
- I, uh--
I-I didn't think you'd be here.
- Uh, well, I do still belong,
so...
- Right. Um...
- Glenneth,
where'd you put my wrap?
- Joyce, this is--
this is my friend, Kitty.
- Kitty Lawson.
Oh, my God, of course. Yeah.
I used to--
I used to babysit you.
- When I was eight.
You pierced my ears with
an ice cube and a potato.
- That's right.
I did do that for you.
- The holes stretched.
- Oh.
- My lobes are so delicate.
They might as well
be made of gossamer.
Emma!
- How are you?
We missed you
at the croquet party.
- Sorry.
I-I hope this isn't
too awkward for you.
- No. No.
No, it's not awkward
for me at all.
No, um--she needed a new sitter
when I went off to college
anyway, so...
You take care, okay?
Nice to see you.
- I asked for a Grasshopper.
- Did you?
- Oh, sorry, Kendra.
It's taken.
This one's taken. Keep moving.
Oh, I didn't even know
you owned a dress.
Taken.
- All right, Shelly.
You just need to calm down.
- This is your first
advertising pitch
and I just want it to be
perfect, right?
- Yeah, it will be.
- Uh-uh. Can you not see
I'm standing here?
Roger.
Eileen, I love that dress.
♪ ♪
- ♪ Hey ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Three rings
for the Elven kings ♪
♪ Underneath the sky ♪
♪ One for the Dark Lord ♪
♪ On his dark throne ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ A missed dream ♪
♪ Gotta stop it now ♪
♪ The burning desire, yeah ♪
- Mm. So many shrimp.
- Ooh, and the big ones, too.
- What are you wearing?
- What? You said
"Dress for the occasion."
- This looks like
the "Rich and Horny" wardrobe.
- That's because it is.
- Look, it was either this
or "Victorian Vixens."
- Please excuse my sister's
lack of manners.
I think you look just fine.
I'm Shelly.
- Oh, hey.
- Hi. Oh--hi.
Hi. Shelly. Shelly.
Shelly.
- Older or younger?
- Someone's
been brought up right.
- Well--
- So, I gotta say, this place
is not as nice
as I thought it would be.
The hedges need pruning.
- Oh, that's 'cause it's June
and the wrens
are still nesting in them.
- I have the same problem
at my chateau.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Let's get this show
on the road.
- Oh, good, I have a table
saved all right over here--
Oh, the Coopers.
Hey, Dianne.
all: L'Chaim.
- Oh.
- Let's introduce you
to Mr. Ross, okay?
- Who gives a mare's behind?
They're bunnies.
What are we supposed to do,
test on humans?
- A good point as always,
Mr. Ross.
- They're unhinged,
these activists.
- What's next, a ban on DDT?
- Gentlemen.
I see you put your face on
for the evening.
- Oh, I just wore a little
eyeliner, that's all.
- This must be the famous
Mr. Renetti.
- It is. You have a beautiful
club here, sir.
Lovely hedges.
- Yeah, well, they're a bit
unruly this time of year.
The ladies are quite up in arms
about protecting the wrens.
- Oh, those ladies.
They have opinions about
everything these days.
- We do.
- They've made my business
quite...challenging.
- Oh, I bet.
- We feel we can help you.
- You seem to have figured
it out, hm?
60% growth
in the last five years,
4 million circulation.
- You've done your homework,
sir.
- Yeah, he has.
So that is why we believe
that "Minx" can really
help you
because it is a platform--
- Okay. Okay.
Enough of the chit-chat.
But maybe we should get down
to brass tacks.
- Yes, I would love that.
My thoughts exactly.
- Mr. Renetti,
let's adjourn to the lounge.
I hope you're a Cohiba man.
- If you got 'em,
I'll smoke 'em.
- I'll see you later, then.
♪ ♪
- I mean, baby oil works
great as, like, a base,
but if you wanna be really
brown, you have to
add Crisco and then
spray yourself with Pam.
- Honey, that's how I roast
a ham.
- And here I thought
you were Portuguese.
- No, no, no.
I'm white as heck.
- She's like a ghost really.
You know what,
Bambi is so talented.
She can open beer bottles
with her teeth.
- Pick up tissues
with ropes of spit.
- Uh-uh.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yup.
- Wow.
- There it is.
- Are they all mouth related?
- Well, my tongue was clipped
when I was two.
- Okay.
- I have a lot of party tricks
but not a lot of actual skills.
And working with your sister
is so amazing.
I mean, she cares about
so many things.
- Yeah.
- I wanna make a difference.
- You'll figure it out.
Eleanor Roosevelt started out
as arm candy too.
- To Eleanor!
- Yes!
- Oh, my God.
Your lives seem so fun.
All I do with my mouth is yell.
- Can I interest you
in a twilight swim?
- Uh, I didn't bring my suit.
- You don't need one.
- Oh, you're kidding.
Really?
- Yeah.
I gotta hand it to you,
you set a nice hook.
It was a pretty easy reel-in
for me.
- I mean, obviously
I'm no angling enthusiast,
but I think I can get what that
means from context.
- He wants the inside cover
for some fancy skin line
and then a few half-pages for,
I don't know,
some eye-related goo.
But he's in.
- It looks like Cadillacs
and caviar are in play.
- Au revoir, le double dong.
Oh, my God.
- One other thing is, uh,
Mr. Ross wants me to toss in
a night with Bambi.
- Uh, you're not suggesting--
- I am. In order to close
the deal,
he wants a night
with Bambi at his--
I guess you could call it his
"fuck pad" at the Ravenswood.
But I will defer to you.
I'll let you decide if those
terms are acceptable.
- Ha ha, very funny.
- This is his address
and the code
to get in the back entrance.
You could try it yourself,
just be prepared
for a handsy old man
who probably
only gets semi-hard.
I'm sorry, kid, but this card
is who these people really are.
♪ ♪
- This isn't music.
No,
"The Great American Songbook,"
now, that is music.
No, poetry.
♪ Night and day,
you are the one ♪
♪ Only you beneath the moon ♪
♪ And under the sun ♪
- Hope I'm not interrupting.
- Cole Porter
is who you're interrupting.
- I hear we're going to be
in business.
- You heard right, young lady.
Your partner, Mr. Renetti, got
a good head on his shoulders.
- So is this the address we
should use for your contract?
All my life,
you've lorded over this club.
And I have had to listen to
your toasts and your agendas
and your archaic rules
about dressing modestly
and acting with decorum.
- I don't know
what you're insinuating,
but clearly, you have misread
the situation.
- Oh, so you're not
a vile misogynist
who makes a deal
to have a human being
delivered to his bed?
- It's all right, everyone.
It's just Miss Prigger
in one of her tizzies.
- Yeah. Yeah.
And that was just Mr. Ross'
hand on my ass
when I was 12 years old and won
the Juniors Tennis Tournament.
You wanna know why I'm never
on the courts anymore?
It's because that ass grab
made me quit.
Oh, none of you are gonna
say anything?
- You are an embarrassment.
It's a good thing your father
didn't live to see this day.
Ooh--
- Oh, my God. Oh, God.
Uh...
- You're fine.
God, I've wanted to
do that for years.
- I didn't even know you could
break three ribs at once.
- Doug told me what he said,
so I gave it
a little extra oomph.
- So a new talent.
- Ooh.
- Jesus, Prigger.
Who knew you could throw
a punch?
- I can never come back
to this place.
And I think
I'm fine with that.
- Hey, Joyce, when I, uh--
when I met that man and
realized that he might actually
advertise in our magazine,
I'm not gonna lie to you, kid,
I got--
I got really excited.
- Yeah.
- I mean, what,
you don't think I want to, uh,
I don't know,
be in business with people
who've got real money?
Chum it up at The Palm
on somebody else's dime?
- Yeah, that's not--
that's not where we are,
though.
- No, but I believe we will be.
You and me together
on our terms.
- I like the sound of that.
- Good.
'Cause I need you to do
something for me.
- Oh, God.
- There's so many textures
and sizes.
Oh, this one has
a very realistic vein.
- Oh, I got an idea.
How about, "Dildos.
When every other advertiser
says no."
- Can I ask a crazy question?
Is it really so bad to let
women know about sex toys?
- What woman wants a sex toy?
I don't know anyone
who uses them.
- Uh, yes you do.
- Oh?
Oh.
- Yeah, it's the only way I
can, um...get to the end,
per se.
- So not with Lenny?
No, I mean, sex feels nice,
but I just--
I need something to push me
over the edge.
For a long time,
I thought there was
something wrong with me.
If I'd been aware of these,
um...helpers,
you know,
when I was first married,
it might have saved me
a lot of tears
and a scary trip downtown
with a wig and glasses.
- I had no idea.
- Yeah, well, we don't talk
about this kind of stuff.
- Well, maybe we should.
- Yeah. Okay.
Uh, what's your favorite way
to masturbate?
- Oh, my God, no.
- Excuse me, Miss.
I just told you some
very personal things.
Things only my hairdresser
knows.
- No.
I d--I don't do it,
anyway, so--
Not really.
So it's just, you know--
It makes me feel, um...
Ugh. It's dumb.
- So the only way
you can get pleasure
is when you're with a man?
That's not very feminist,
Joycie.
I mean, what would
Gloria Steinem say?
- I hope if I ever meet
Gloria Steinem,
we are not talking about
masturbating.
- And I very much hope
that you are.
She probably has a few tricks
up her sleeve,
you know?
- All right,
I'll see you later.
Use this one. Level 4. Okay?
♪ ♪
♪ I found it very hard
to realize ♪
♪ ♪
♪ That you ♪
♪ Stole the love inside
from my eyes ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
- Ahh.
Ahh!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Holy moly!
- ♪ With everything
that you do ♪
♪ To me, I coulda been
a stray for you ♪
♪ You turn me upside down ♪
♪ You treated me
like a clown ♪
♪ I, I didn't read the play
between the lines ♪
♪ I acted out the part
you had in mind ♪
♪ For me, I play the part
you want so very well ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm the only one
I couldn't tell ♪
♪ That playing off
was what you do so well ♪
♪ ♪
♪ You, you took me in,
I didn't realize ♪
♪ Pulling me to you
is no surprise ♪
♪ 'Cause everything
you told me was a lie ♪
Miss Melons.
I promise
it'll never happen again.
- I'm sorry,
can we take a short break?
I just have a tiny question.
- Okay. Make it quick, Bambi.
Blackboard's a rental.
- Right.
Just wondering, should I really
be punishing her?
- Uh, yeah. That's kind of
the premise of the magazine.
- No, I get that.
It's just that maybe she
was tardy for a reason.
Did anyone ask her?
Maybe there's trouble at home.
- Sexy trouble.
- These are the naughty
schoolgirls of Bad Girl High.
They do bad stuff.
- Mm-hmm.
- You spank their bottoms.
That's the whole story.
- Typically, yes.
Uh, but maybe not
in this instance.
Okay? Staci, please rise.
Hey, you can tell me.
Was there a reason that you
were late this morning?
- Uh...
Um...
my dad was working late.
- Right. 'Cause he's a cop
and he works the graveyard
shift with his partner, Rico.
- Yeah.
Yeah, and there was a shootout.
- And Rico didn't make it,
so you were comforting
your dad.
- Well, since Mom died,
I'm all he's got.
- And for this
she is getting spanked?
We should be supporting her,
not punishing her
for her kindness.
Times they are a-changing,
Phil.
Staci needs to be
getting her degree
so she can bring this
compassion to the workforce.
- I don't know what the fuck
you're talking about,
but this is the energy we need.
- I'm trying to make
an important point here, Phil.
- This isn't "Minx."
We don't do points.
Stacy, bend over.
And, uh, lick the apple.
♪ ♪
- ♪ Gimme, gimme good lovin' ♪
♪ Every night ♪
You know it's all right now.
child.
- Hey, Terri.
- Hi.
- Ooh, lookin' good, Joel.
- Ah, thanks, Joyce.
- Great.
Oh, Alisdair.
He got his fur washed.
Hey.
Carnal Coeds back in session,
are they?
- I wish.
I'm somehow on the tenure track
at Bad Girl High.
Speaking of,
if there's any way
I can be more involved
at "Minx"...
- What happened to
centerfold coordination?
- Well, turns out that's
a two-day-a-month job,
but I have
30 days of inspiration.
- Well yeah, sure.
What do you have in mind?
- Um, I could always do the,
um...
Or, um, you know the, uh...
- You know what?
You just have a think
and you let me know.
- Okay.
- Okay?
- Bonjour, ma belle.
- Bonjour.
- Guess what you
get to approve?
- Oh, my God, really?
Already?
How do they look?
- Oh, decent.
I think maybe next time
I'd go two stops darker.
But, uh, you tell me.
- Oh, they're even better
than I imagined.
- Oh, thank God
you think so too!
- I love that we're saying
something, you know?
You see the pain in his eyes?
It's like he's internalizing
the harassment
endured by generations
of women.
- That's actually the moment
he found out
what we're paying him.
- Oh, well--
- Hey, kid.
- Yeah?
- You ready to go?
- Yes.
Been ready my whole life.
Just selling ad space
for my magazine.
- He's taking you with him?
- Yup.
Culmination
of a childhood dream.
No big deal.
It is a big deal.
- I'm here if you need me.
- Great.
- Right on!
I'm not recognizing
a lot of these buyers.
What happened to
the mission-driven nonprofits
I mentioned?
- Oh, we need companies
who can actually
give us money.
That's kind of how we finance
this operation
unless you wanna sell "Minx"
for 49.99.
- I would pay that.
- Oh, cool. Well, that's one.
- Oh, can we add the
Feminist Federal Credit Union?
- Joycie, my ad guys
did their homework.
These are all huge gets.
We'll be lucky if any
of these people want in, okay?
Don't be nervous.
Just be your classy
Harvard self.
- Vassar.
- Whatever.
Women's liberation.
What does it mean?
Well, I'll tell you
what it means to me.
It means liberating women
from the $400 million
in disposable income
they spend every year.
- Our format melds the precepts
of female emancipation
with mature but thematically
appropriate content.
We think of ourselves
as creating the female gaze.
Women are sexual,
but it starts with the brain.
- You see, one issue of "Cosmo"
sold over 3 million copies
in one month.
Why? 'Cause that good old
Burt Reynolds
showed his hairy thighs.
Not your cup of tea,
maybe not mine.
Who cares?
'Cause we're talking
about money--a lot of money.
And I'm guessing that's what--
- So much flavor
in one little box.
- Wolfhagen.
Three beers takes me
from bow to wow!
- Yum-derwear.
A candy coating
for that juicy center.
- I'm telling you,
Minx is gonna give it to 'em
and we're gonna
give it to 'em good.
Maybe two, but Pleasure Garden?
I mean, they're huge
and they never had a way
to market directly to women.
Now they do.
So 10, 15 ads--
that alone pays for our book.
Kid,
we're gonna wet the panties
of every chick in America.
- Hey, where're you going?
The car is that way.
What's the problem, Joyce?
That went great.
- The ads were an affront
to all womenkind.
And those products--
ball gags and French ticklers?
- What's the pr--
do you hate sex?
- No. No! It's--no.
I--it's just--it's--it's--
No. It's supposed to be
private is all.
And it's just people like me,
we don't discuss...
vaginal lubricant.
- Don't be such a snob.
The world does not begin
and end in Pasadena.
- Yeah.
Our magazine might, though.
- Okay.
- If want a certain kind
of reader,
we have to advertise
upscale products.
Okay? We gotta lure them in
with pantyhose
and perfume--things that
make them feel safe.
- You think I never tried
to get Cadillacs and caviar?
Classy companies
have never put their ad
across from a pair of titties.
And they're certainly not going
anywhere near a dong.
- Yeah, no. Obviously not when
you talk about it like that.
Maybe it's better
if I just speak with
the high-end buyers directly.
What?
- What does she think
she's gonna do?
Just cold call
a shampoo company?
- Doug.
- I mean, I only
brought her along so that
these guys would know
that I was legit.
Tin, she's like the, um...
she's like the hood ornament,
right?
But me, I'm the whole car.
- You done?
- No, I'm never done.
You know that. But go ahead.
- It pains me to say this,
but they kind of liked
the hood ornament.
Pleasure Garden called.
They want in.
- No kidding?
- But their in-house guys
don't know how to do
an ad for ladies,
so they want us
to spec it for them.
Joyce is gonna love this.
You jokers hit the jackpot
on this one.
This ad is gonna write itself.
- All hail Lucifer's Horn.
- What's the deal
with the double ends?
Those "Minx" chicks got
two fox holes or something?
- It's for lesbians, Perry.
You know, the only women
not attracted to you.
- Give me five minutes
with 'em.
- Five minutes
seems about right.
- There have to be better
advertisers than that.
- Do you get
who your audience is?
I mean, "Minx" is for sexually
liberated chicks, okay?
- Yes, but our penis is for
political purposes, okay?
It's about shifting
power dynamics
and gender reparations.
- Kid,
I hate to break it to you,
but you can't control
what readers are gonna do
with that fireman's schlong.
Some might even jerk off to it.
- I don't have to help them
do that.
- And no one's asking you to.
I got my best ad guys on it.
- Oh, my God.
I could have done
anything with my life.
I did quite well on the GRE.
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
- Oh, my God.
It's as big as his thigh!
Oh, Pedro, more tea please.
Thank you so much.
This is so cool.
I feel like
a secret agent.
- Yeah, well, it might stay
a secret forever.
Doug's ads, I'm telling you,
they could kill "Minx"
before it even
gets off the ground.
- I think you're overreacting.
Thank you.
- Oh, really? You do?
Okay, so would be comfortable
getting your nails done,
reading a magazine
full of double dongs.
- Double--doubles?
Doubles, did you say?
- The Prigger sisters.
- Hi, Mr. Ross.
- Hello, Mr. Ross.
- Oh, bacon.
Your generation of ladies--
not afraid to eat.
- Oh.
- It does keep one alive.
- My wife, she swears by half
a grapefruit each morning
and then on Wednesday,
she adds cottage cheese.
- Well, I've seen Bitsy
on the courts,
and she's looking
incredibly trim.
- Yeah. If only she had
Joyce's forehand.
- Oh, ha ha, well, she more
than makes up for it
with that nasty backhand
of hers.
- Oh, pancakes.
I see someone
is treating themselves.
- How dare they!
"On Thursdays I permit Bitsy
to loosen her girdle
by one notch."
- Oh, she sniffs
two blueberries
and then downs a fistful
of Dexedrine.
- How does that fossil
stay in power?
Mr. Ross has been president
here for, what,
like, 30 years?
- Yeah.
He's the richest.
And all these men
love to suck up.
You know it's not just tea
parties and tennis here, Joyce.
This is a place of business.
- I bet there are people here
who could teach me
a thing or two
about advertising.
You know, like, give me
the tools that I need
to convince Doug
to let me do it my way.
- Well, yeah, I mean, there's
more CEOs on the golf course
right now than this Doug fella
has met in his entire life.
- Mr. Irving.
Oh, I was so sorry
to hear about the tournament.
What happened to your niece,
it was a travesty.
- She doesn't hold a candle
to you on the courts.
- Oh.
- You were like a gazelle.
- That is very sweet.
Um, while I have you--
I'm in a new entrepreneurial
venture,
and I'd love to pick
your brain.
How do you make ad buys?
Is that agency based or
is that business to business?
- I came here to relax,
Miss Prigger,
not educate impudent
young ladies.
- Uh-huh.
What do you look for
in advertising partners?
Just a vague description
would suffice.
- It's a magazine with a penis.
- That sounds very nice.
- Yeah, thank you.
Thank you so much.
- I like looking at pictures.
- Do you?
- "While he's serving
his country,
she's serving herself."
- Vietnam? I don't know, guys.
Maybe we leave politics
out of it.
- Well, it's a cool gun
though, isn't it?
- Yeah. And she has
a weapon of her own.
See the symmetry?
- No, I got it.
What's next, guys?
- "No one will know your
dirty little secret."
Kinda shamey, right?
I mean, we want them to buy it.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Okay. Uh...
"When you don't have a ring,
it's the next best thing."
- Okay, that's just mean.
- Doesn't make it not true,
though.
- Guys, we don't wanna bully
these women.
We wanna get them off.
- Okay.
We did have this one other one.
It might be a little closer
to what you're looking for.
- Let's see it.
- We were thinking
women love strength, right? Mm?
"Trust the machine."
- All right. Thanks, guys.
Great.
- Well, that was a bust.
All they're willing to
talk to me about
is my figure
and my tennis game.
- Oh, your forehand
was a marvel.
But I guess they call it
a boys' club for a reason.
- Oh, my God. What now?
- Uh, Miss Prigger, um...
- Yeah, hi.
- Little bird told me that
you've been conducting business
on club grounds.
- Yeah, I was trying to,
anyway.
- You boys
make it look so easy.
- Then I became aware that you
are marketing explicit
and scandalous content
to young women?
- I wouldn't call women's
liberation scandalous.
- Well, you always were
the club rabble-rouser,
weren't you?
- I don't wanna be mean, Doug,
but these make me hate myself,
and I love myself.
- These make me hate men.
And they kind of make me
hate you.
- Oh, yeah. For sure.
- Please simmer down.
That's why I brought you guys
in here,
to get a female perspective,
right?
So I don't know. Bambi,
what would make you
buy a vibrator?
- I don't know--I have a whole
drawer full already.
But, I don't know, maybe if it
tickled a little deeper
or if it went, like, a--
Like a syncopation thing.
Or maybe if it played music.
Oh, also price is important.
I'm on a budget.
- These are all really great.
Any ideas how to take that
brainstorm and put it on paper?
- Um...
No.
I guess I can't be a magazine
advertising person.
Guess who harpooned a whale!
- Whoo!
Yeah!
- And then he said,
"I personally find nudity
"to be distasteful, but I
believe this venture of yours
will be popular
with modern women."
And I think he meant "modern"
like an insult,
but I will take what I can get.
- Beckley Cosmetics?
I never heard of them.
- It's just one of Mr. Ross'
many holdings,
a fact that you would know
if you had researched
upscale markets.
- Beckley's market
is the old folks' home.
No one under 80 wears it.
- And they test on bunnies.
- Oh, my God.
Enough with the bunnies, okay?
All they do is shit and fuck.
- So do we.
- How many ads
is this guy buying?
- We will know after our pitch
at the club tomorrow,
5:00 on the dot
during the Summer Soirée.
- Great.
Well, let me know how it goes.
- Uh, y--well, actually,
I--I suggested to Mr. Ross
that he sit with you as well.
Just out of respect, you know,
so that we both have a voice
in the process.
- He wants to meet
your male publisher.
- All right, fine.
There is a patriarchal mindset
amongst the establishment.
But that is exactly
why we need "Minx," okay?
It's to dismantle these systems
of oppression.
- One lipstick ad at a time.
- I wanna go on record
and say that this is bullshit.
It's a rich-girl-favor meeting
and I will come
and I will give it my best,
but if this doesn't work,
you're all in on
the Pleasure Garden.
- Your skepticism is my fuel.
- Ooh, we're shaking.
- Mm-hmm.
- Saddle up, partners, we're
going to the "cunty" club.
- Um...
- Well, if you're gonna
drag me to some lame party,
I'm bringing people
who can hang.
- Well, it's just they won't
have fun there.
- Clubs are a gas.
JP Getty and I
used to make love
on the golf course
at Maidstone.
- Mm. And I love mingling
with the colonizers.
- Tins, you do love a raw bar.
- Not as much as I love
an open bar.
- Oh. Wow.
The more the merrier, then.
- Looks like the hood
ornament's driving the car now.
♪ ♪
- ♪ I had whole day plannin' ♪
♪ All kind of I'm comin' ♪
♪ I had whole day plannin' ♪
♪ All kind of I'm comin' ♪
♪ They said
there will be people ♪
♪ And they don't care
'bout trouble ♪
♪ But tell them
don't worry with me ♪
♪ Is a different thing,
1963 ♪
♪ Because the road... ♪
- Joyce.
- Hello, Glenn.
- I, uh--
I-I didn't think you'd be here.
- Uh, well, I do still belong,
so...
- Right. Um...
- Glenneth,
where'd you put my wrap?
- Joyce, this is--
this is my friend, Kitty.
- Kitty Lawson.
Oh, my God, of course. Yeah.
I used to--
I used to babysit you.
- When I was eight.
You pierced my ears with
an ice cube and a potato.
- That's right.
I did do that for you.
- The holes stretched.
- Oh.
- My lobes are so delicate.
They might as well
be made of gossamer.
Emma!
- How are you?
We missed you
at the croquet party.
- Sorry.
I-I hope this isn't
too awkward for you.
- No. No.
No, it's not awkward
for me at all.
No, um--she needed a new sitter
when I went off to college
anyway, so...
You take care, okay?
Nice to see you.
- I asked for a Grasshopper.
- Did you?
- Oh, sorry, Kendra.
It's taken.
This one's taken. Keep moving.
Oh, I didn't even know
you owned a dress.
Taken.
- All right, Shelly.
You just need to calm down.
- This is your first
advertising pitch
and I just want it to be
perfect, right?
- Yeah, it will be.
- Uh-uh. Can you not see
I'm standing here?
Roger.
Eileen, I love that dress.
♪ ♪
- ♪ Hey ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Three rings
for the Elven kings ♪
♪ Underneath the sky ♪
♪ One for the Dark Lord ♪
♪ On his dark throne ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ A missed dream ♪
♪ Gotta stop it now ♪
♪ The burning desire, yeah ♪
- Mm. So many shrimp.
- Ooh, and the big ones, too.
- What are you wearing?
- What? You said
"Dress for the occasion."
- This looks like
the "Rich and Horny" wardrobe.
- That's because it is.
- Look, it was either this
or "Victorian Vixens."
- Please excuse my sister's
lack of manners.
I think you look just fine.
I'm Shelly.
- Oh, hey.
- Hi. Oh--hi.
Hi. Shelly. Shelly.
Shelly.
- Older or younger?
- Someone's
been brought up right.
- Well--
- So, I gotta say, this place
is not as nice
as I thought it would be.
The hedges need pruning.
- Oh, that's 'cause it's June
and the wrens
are still nesting in them.
- I have the same problem
at my chateau.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Let's get this show
on the road.
- Oh, good, I have a table
saved all right over here--
Oh, the Coopers.
Hey, Dianne.
all: L'Chaim.
- Oh.
- Let's introduce you
to Mr. Ross, okay?
- Who gives a mare's behind?
They're bunnies.
What are we supposed to do,
test on humans?
- A good point as always,
Mr. Ross.
- They're unhinged,
these activists.
- What's next, a ban on DDT?
- Gentlemen.
I see you put your face on
for the evening.
- Oh, I just wore a little
eyeliner, that's all.
- This must be the famous
Mr. Renetti.
- It is. You have a beautiful
club here, sir.
Lovely hedges.
- Yeah, well, they're a bit
unruly this time of year.
The ladies are quite up in arms
about protecting the wrens.
- Oh, those ladies.
They have opinions about
everything these days.
- We do.
- They've made my business
quite...challenging.
- Oh, I bet.
- We feel we can help you.
- You seem to have figured
it out, hm?
60% growth
in the last five years,
4 million circulation.
- You've done your homework,
sir.
- Yeah, he has.
So that is why we believe
that "Minx" can really
help you
because it is a platform--
- Okay. Okay.
Enough of the chit-chat.
But maybe we should get down
to brass tacks.
- Yes, I would love that.
My thoughts exactly.
- Mr. Renetti,
let's adjourn to the lounge.
I hope you're a Cohiba man.
- If you got 'em,
I'll smoke 'em.
- I'll see you later, then.
♪ ♪
- I mean, baby oil works
great as, like, a base,
but if you wanna be really
brown, you have to
add Crisco and then
spray yourself with Pam.
- Honey, that's how I roast
a ham.
- And here I thought
you were Portuguese.
- No, no, no.
I'm white as heck.
- She's like a ghost really.
You know what,
Bambi is so talented.
She can open beer bottles
with her teeth.
- Pick up tissues
with ropes of spit.
- Uh-uh.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yup.
- Wow.
- There it is.
- Are they all mouth related?
- Well, my tongue was clipped
when I was two.
- Okay.
- I have a lot of party tricks
but not a lot of actual skills.
And working with your sister
is so amazing.
I mean, she cares about
so many things.
- Yeah.
- I wanna make a difference.
- You'll figure it out.
Eleanor Roosevelt started out
as arm candy too.
- To Eleanor!
- Yes!
- Oh, my God.
Your lives seem so fun.
All I do with my mouth is yell.
- Can I interest you
in a twilight swim?
- Uh, I didn't bring my suit.
- You don't need one.
- Oh, you're kidding.
Really?
- Yeah.
I gotta hand it to you,
you set a nice hook.
It was a pretty easy reel-in
for me.
- I mean, obviously
I'm no angling enthusiast,
but I think I can get what that
means from context.
- He wants the inside cover
for some fancy skin line
and then a few half-pages for,
I don't know,
some eye-related goo.
But he's in.
- It looks like Cadillacs
and caviar are in play.
- Au revoir, le double dong.
Oh, my God.
- One other thing is, uh,
Mr. Ross wants me to toss in
a night with Bambi.
- Uh, you're not suggesting--
- I am. In order to close
the deal,
he wants a night
with Bambi at his--
I guess you could call it his
"fuck pad" at the Ravenswood.
But I will defer to you.
I'll let you decide if those
terms are acceptable.
- Ha ha, very funny.
- This is his address
and the code
to get in the back entrance.
You could try it yourself,
just be prepared
for a handsy old man
who probably
only gets semi-hard.
I'm sorry, kid, but this card
is who these people really are.
♪ ♪
- This isn't music.
No,
"The Great American Songbook,"
now, that is music.
No, poetry.
♪ Night and day,
you are the one ♪
♪ Only you beneath the moon ♪
♪ And under the sun ♪
- Hope I'm not interrupting.
- Cole Porter
is who you're interrupting.
- I hear we're going to be
in business.
- You heard right, young lady.
Your partner, Mr. Renetti, got
a good head on his shoulders.
- So is this the address we
should use for your contract?
All my life,
you've lorded over this club.
And I have had to listen to
your toasts and your agendas
and your archaic rules
about dressing modestly
and acting with decorum.
- I don't know
what you're insinuating,
but clearly, you have misread
the situation.
- Oh, so you're not
a vile misogynist
who makes a deal
to have a human being
delivered to his bed?
- It's all right, everyone.
It's just Miss Prigger
in one of her tizzies.
- Yeah. Yeah.
And that was just Mr. Ross'
hand on my ass
when I was 12 years old and won
the Juniors Tennis Tournament.
You wanna know why I'm never
on the courts anymore?
It's because that ass grab
made me quit.
Oh, none of you are gonna
say anything?
- You are an embarrassment.
It's a good thing your father
didn't live to see this day.
Ooh--
- Oh, my God. Oh, God.
Uh...
- You're fine.
God, I've wanted to
do that for years.
- I didn't even know you could
break three ribs at once.
- Doug told me what he said,
so I gave it
a little extra oomph.
- So a new talent.
- Ooh.
- Jesus, Prigger.
Who knew you could throw
a punch?
- I can never come back
to this place.
And I think
I'm fine with that.
- Hey, Joyce, when I, uh--
when I met that man and
realized that he might actually
advertise in our magazine,
I'm not gonna lie to you, kid,
I got--
I got really excited.
- Yeah.
- I mean, what,
you don't think I want to, uh,
I don't know,
be in business with people
who've got real money?
Chum it up at The Palm
on somebody else's dime?
- Yeah, that's not--
that's not where we are,
though.
- No, but I believe we will be.
You and me together
on our terms.
- I like the sound of that.
- Good.
'Cause I need you to do
something for me.
- Oh, God.
- There's so many textures
and sizes.
Oh, this one has
a very realistic vein.
- Oh, I got an idea.
How about, "Dildos.
When every other advertiser
says no."
- Can I ask a crazy question?
Is it really so bad to let
women know about sex toys?
- What woman wants a sex toy?
I don't know anyone
who uses them.
- Uh, yes you do.
- Oh?
Oh.
- Yeah, it's the only way I
can, um...get to the end,
per se.
- So not with Lenny?
No, I mean, sex feels nice,
but I just--
I need something to push me
over the edge.
For a long time,
I thought there was
something wrong with me.
If I'd been aware of these,
um...helpers,
you know,
when I was first married,
it might have saved me
a lot of tears
and a scary trip downtown
with a wig and glasses.
- I had no idea.
- Yeah, well, we don't talk
about this kind of stuff.
- Well, maybe we should.
- Yeah. Okay.
Uh, what's your favorite way
to masturbate?
- Oh, my God, no.
- Excuse me, Miss.
I just told you some
very personal things.
Things only my hairdresser
knows.
- No.
I d--I don't do it,
anyway, so--
Not really.
So it's just, you know--
It makes me feel, um...
Ugh. It's dumb.
- So the only way
you can get pleasure
is when you're with a man?
That's not very feminist,
Joycie.
I mean, what would
Gloria Steinem say?
- I hope if I ever meet
Gloria Steinem,
we are not talking about
masturbating.
- And I very much hope
that you are.
She probably has a few tricks
up her sleeve,
you know?
- All right,
I'll see you later.
Use this one. Level 4. Okay?
♪ ♪
♪ I found it very hard
to realize ♪
♪ ♪
♪ That you ♪
♪ Stole the love inside
from my eyes ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
- Ahh.
Ahh!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Holy moly!
- ♪ With everything
that you do ♪
♪ To me, I coulda been
a stray for you ♪
♪ You turn me upside down ♪
♪ You treated me
like a clown ♪
♪ I, I didn't read the play
between the lines ♪
♪ I acted out the part
you had in mind ♪
♪ For me, I play the part
you want so very well ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm the only one
I couldn't tell ♪
♪ That playing off
was what you do so well ♪
♪ ♪
♪ You, you took me in,
I didn't realize ♪
♪ Pulling me to you
is no surprise ♪
♪ 'Cause everything
you told me was a lie ♪