Minx (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript
- Thank you,
Pulitzer Committee,
for this joyous honor.
My good friend, Gloria Steinem,
once asked me,
"Joyce, did you know
that the magazine
"you created
in your childhood bedroom
would change
the world forever?"
No.
No, I never dared imagine--
- Show me your tits!
Show me your tits!
- Come on, baby!
- Shake them cans, baby.
Yeah.
- Hi.
I'd love to discuss
your use of catcalling
to communicate
with women on the street.
I'm sure that
this was acceptable
when you were coming up
in the construction industry,
but times have changed.
So if you want to meet me,
you can introduce yourself
with a handshake and a name.
- I'm Mike.
- And I'm Joyce.
- Cool, Joyce.
So you gonna sit on my face
or what?
- All right.
♪ ♪
- Welcome
to the Southern California
Magazine Pitch Festival,
where we connect
the magazine creators
of tomorrow
with the publishers of today.
This year's publishers
are a fine--
- Do you mind?
- Oh, I--I'm sorry.
They got some policy
about smoking cigars inside,
like it's a fucking hospital
or some shit.
- Line up for whichever
publishers float your boat.
Dazzle 'em with your
three-minute presentation,
- Hey, is that, uh--
first pitch fest?
- Yeah.
Yeah, so I'm just
trying to listen to her.
- I wouldn't get your hopes up.
- Excuse me?
- Ah, it's just
that everybody
and their mama's trying
to sell a magazine nowadays.
For every, you know,
"Cat Fancy"
that finds
its perfect niche audience,
there's about
a thousand "Cat-Tastics"
that are gonna
crash and burn, so.
- Thanks for the recap on
the booming magazine industry.
I'm not "Cat-Tastic"
or any other imitator.
I have been working
on my idea for years.
- You say for years?
- Yeah.
- Good.
Do me a favor.
Come pitch it to me.
- You're a publisher?
- I am.
I'll see you in there.
Good luck.
- "Giant Juggs."
"Milky Moms."
Ew.
- Now go forth and conquer!
- ♪ Ooh ♪
♪ I don't swing my hips
when I walk ♪
♪ And I don't bite my tongue
when I talk ♪
♪ I don't move
when you want me to move ♪
♪ And I don't groove
when you tell me to groove ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm a queen,
and I always will be ♪
♪ All you got to do
is try me ♪
- "Math is Hard.
When Back to School
Makes You Feel Like a Fool."
"From Date to Mate:
You Too Can Snag a Spouse."
"The Grapefruit Diet:
Find Your Thin Within."
What do these articles
have in common?
- They're cute and fun.
- With pictures of pretty gals.
- The kind of stuff
my old lady reads in the tub.
- What they have in common
is they're the exact opposite
of the stories I'm gonna have
in my magazine.
This country treats women
like second-class citizens.
We're overlooked, underpaid,
and overwhelmed.
We deserve a magazine
that inspires us--
that shows us how to fight.
Gentlemen, this is your chance
to be on the right side
of history.
"The Matriarchy Awakens."
- Why is she so angry?
- Uh, I believe I covered that
in my presenta--
- Hey, "Cat-Tastic."
You need a hand?
- No, I'm fine.
- Suit yourself.
Hey, you forgot
to find me today.
How'd it go?
- My pitch needs
a smidge of work.
- Yeah, I overheard you
at "Conde Nasty."
Hey, if it were me,
I'd stop bragging
about how different I was
from the most successful
women's magazines in,
oh, I don't know, forever.
I would say that I was
just like 'em, you know,
but--but with a twist.
- Yeah, well,
maybe that'd work on you,
but I'm looking for
a different kind of publisher.
- Oh, yeah?
And what kind is that?
- The kind that doesn't
fetishize lactating mothers.
Some mouth on you.
You know, for your information,
I got 4 million
in circulation, I got
12 titles on the rack--
- Yeah,
a dozen pornography titles.
- What, you think
that's easy to do?
- Breasts, more breasts.
Oh, look--bigger breasts.
If you have to do porn,
at least be original.
- Mm.
- Photograph naked old people.
Or, I don't know, make
a magazine full of nude men.
You know what, maybe you
could be the first centerfold.
See how you like being
objectified for once.
- You dropped something.
- ♪ Yeah,
I had a dream I could fly ♪
♪ High up above the ground ♪
- I'm sorry, love,
it slipped my mind.
- My parents already
think you hate them.
- I don't hate
your parents, Glenn.
Hate that they voted
for Nixon, but--
- You know how my mom gets
hung up on this holiday party.
- Well, that's what happens
to smart women who don't work.
Still have these big brains,
so they use them on things
that don't matter.
See, now that's a story idea.
- Right.
Of course it is.
- What does that mean?
- Your magazine, Joyce.
There are three people
in this relationship,
and not in a fun way.
- Look, I know I've been
preoccupied lately.
- Lately?
You've been completely obsessed
the entire time
we've been dating.
- Well, then so why does
it suddenly matter?
- I guess I just thought
it would be out
of your system by now.
- Out of my system?
You've just been
waiting for me to--
what, give up?
- Joyce.
I love you.
The magazine's not working out,
and I don't get
why you're still going.
- No,
of course you don't get it,
because you rose
through the ranks
of a national magazine writing
about houndstooth blazers
and skinny lapels.
- Okay.
- But my stories are political.
No one wants to touch 'em,
so I have to do it myself.
- No, you don't.
Just put all of that energy
into something else.
We could have
a great life together.
- Are you asking me to choose?
- Well, it's not much
of a choice, is it?
- No, it's not.
- ♪ If you walk
upon the water ♪
♪ Your feet start sinking
in the sand ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Father Time,
he must unwind ♪
♪ Have a heart
and lose his mind ♪
♪ I believe our bad luck
is gonna change ♪
- Hello?
- Yes, I did have
a good Valentine's Day.
- We actually have
a Valentine's Day special.
30% off if you order today.
- That's right, just $9 a year.
Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, that's the sweet spot
right there.
You know, you should do this
for your boyfriend,
get him good and hot.
- I'm sorry, what was that?
Yes, ma'am,
you can cancel at any time.
- You'll get the first issue
next week.
Hope your daughter likes it.
If she's as political
as you say, I'd recommend
getting a "Newsweek"
subscription instead.
There's a revolution coming,
and we're still publishing
puff pieces
about David Cassidy.
- Hey ya, honey.
- What are you doing here?
- Oh, I came to kidnap you.
Nah, you put where you work
in your magazine, dummy.
- You read my magazine?
- I did.
What, you think
I'm illiterate or something?
- Well--
- Look, it's not Proust.
- It's pronounced "Proost."
- Do people enjoy your company?
- Not really.
Look, you've got to go, okay?
My co-workers are G-rated.
They wear sweater sets
and pearls.
- Oh, come on,
those sweater girls are all
freaks on the inside,
you can trust me on that.
Hey, come to Mort's, 1:00.
Let's talk business, okay?
- You think I'm just
gonna show up
for some mystery meeting
in a diner,
like I have nothing better to--
- So, we're up in Lake Havasu,
and we're shooting
these two chicks
for the cover of "Asian Asses,"
and I got this really sexy kind
of Vietnam rice paddy angle
and my makeup boy, Richie,
knocks the bag of film
right into the water.
- Mm.
- So we got to shut down
as he goes into town,
and the chicks start bitching,
you know?
- They do that.
- "Doug, how long
is this gonna take?
It's so cold out here."
So guess what I did.
- Re-evaluated
your entire existence?
- I gave them the only thing
that I had to read in my car,
which was your magazine.
- Your centerfolds read
"The Matriarchy Awakens"?
- Also not illiterate.
- Did they like it?
Not that it matters.
I'm just curious if they--
- It blew 'em away.
- It did?
- It did.
It's been three weeks,
and they're still
talking about the articles.
And one of 'em even hit me up
about a raise
because of something
that you wrote
about the pay gap.
- Well--
- I mean, she's not
gonna get it.
Look, I got a lot of readers.
Men.
And they write to me
all the time,
and they say,
"Doug, shit's changing."
You know,
"Chicks are changing."
So I got to figure out,
you know,
what to do with that,
what's next.
And then I started thinking
maybe I got to stop talking
to the men.
Maybe--maybe I should be
talking to the women.
- You want to talk to women?
- Well, there's a lot
of you out there,
and I'd like a piece
of that pie.
- Oh, you're not suggesting
that you publish
"The Matriarchy Awakens."
Oh, God no.
I mean,
not in its current form.
Hey, don't get me wrong,
it's good.
It's just you got a challenge.
And the tone,
it comes across as shouty.
When I'm reading it,
I feel like
a fucking teacher
is yelling at me.
- Well, who cares
how it makes you feel?
It's supposed
to make people think.
- You got to hide the medicine.
It's like when you give a pill
to a dog,
you dip it
in peanut butter first.
So my question is,
what's our peanut butter?
- I'm sorry, are you waiting--
- It's nude men.
Did you say nude men?
- Not like a schvantz
right in the face,
you know, classy.
With your modern,
you know, lady point of view.
- Are you mentally ill?
- You're the one
who came up with the idea.
- No--that was
a conversational bon mot.
Do you even understand
what it is I am trying
to do here?
- Of course, I do--feminism.
Making shit fair and equal
for the chicks.
So tell me this,
how is it fair and equal
that a guy has twelve places
to go to see a pair of titties,
but a gal has no place
to go to see a dong?
- Gals do not want
to see a dong.
- Oh, they don't?
Now how do you know?
- Because I am one, so.
- Mm.
Well, would you like
to put money on it?
- What, you mean, like a bet?
- No, honey.
Like a magazine.
- He wants to give you
an office and a staff
and fund your first
three issues?
Didn't you tell me that cost,
like, 50 grand?
- Maybe.
- Joycie!
That's a lot of money.
- Yeah,
but it comes with strings.
You know, big ones wrapped
around peckers.
- Maybe it'll just be
a single, tiny weenus
hidden in the back
of the magazine.
- Why are you trying
to talk me into this?
- You're my baby sister.
I hate to see you
spin your wheels.
You've been at this
for so long.
- Look, I know
it's a good opportunity.
Well, an opportunity.
- The only opportunity.
- Why does it have to come
from this guy?
He's just so wrong.
- Do you think that Lenny had
all of the qualities
I was looking for in a husband?
You know, I wanted someone
who loved to travel,
not someone who gets diarrhea
from looking at Chinese food.
But he takes care of me.
He's a great dad.
No, I didn't get everything
I wanted, you know,
but I'm--I'm happy.
- All right,
even if I wanted to,
do you think
I could pull this off?
The--the nudity?
- Why not?
- 'Cause I'm not
some sexy, cool girl.
I went to Vassar.
- Yeah, and that's what
this guy wants from you,
that Seven Sisters polish...
all over his magazine of knobs.
- Oh, Shelly.
Don't be disgusting.
- What?
You're the pornographer.
You got to get used
to this kind of talk.
- ♪ I am woman, hear me roar,
in numbers ♪
♪ Too big to ignore ♪
- ♪ Too big to ignore ♪
♪ No one's ever gonna
keep me down again ♪
♪ Oh, yes, I am wise ♪
♪ But it's wisdom
born of pain ♪
♪ Yes, I've paid the price ♪
♪ But look how much ♪
♪ I've gained ♪
♪ If I have to ♪
♪ I can do anything ♪
♪ I am strong, strong ♪
♪ I am invincible, invincible ♪
I'm in Gomorrah.
♪ ♪
- You need something?
Good morning.
Hello.
Um, yes, I'm here to see,
um, Doug Renetti.
My name is Joyce--
- Joyce Prigger, is that you?
Hi!
I'm Bambi.
- Hi--
- So good to meet you.
- Hi.
- I model for Doug.
Most recently
in "Bodacious Butts."
I was Miss May, June,
and July.
- Oh--oh, wow.
That's a busy summer.
- Yeah, it was almost too much.
- Oh.
- I'm tired.
Um, can I just say,
thank you so much
for this opportunity?
I mean, to learn from someone
like you is just--
oh, Doug didn't tell you?
I'm working for the magazine.
I'm your new
centerfold coordinator.
- Oh!
- Okay, tour time.
- What is
a centerfold coordinator?
- I don't know, I made it up.
Doesn't it sound fancy?
Okay,
so it's basically just like
any other regular old office.
We have Art Department,
Editorial.
That's Shipping, Accounting.
Ugh.
Ignore Gerry.
He's just mad
Doug pulled the plug
on his magazine idea
to do yours.
- Your accountant created
a magazine?
- Yeah.
You know Doug.
He thinks a zillion-dollar
idea can come from anyone.
This is all
our photo editing and--
- Is he rouging
that woman's breasts?
- Oh, yeah.
Um, nips don't read pink
under hot lights,
so we have to--huh.
Richie, are we gonna have
to put makeup on dicks?
- Mm, one can only hope.
- That's Richie.
- Oh.
- He's our makeup artist,
but he's gonna
be your photographer,
'cause none of the other guys
want to shoot wieners.
- Don't worry,
I know my way around a camera.
I've been photographing
my lovers throughout the years.
- Oh.
- Ooh, I love this ensemble.
- Oh.
Enchanté.
Morning.
- Doug.
- Hey, look who made it.
You look beat.
Long drive?
How's a cup of coffee?
- A cup of tea would be divine.
- Oh, I'm not the secretary.
I'm just Black.
- I'm so sorry.
It was actually the way
that you were pouring the
waters that I thought that--
- Reminded you of the help
at your tennis club?
- No.
Uh--ah, well,
we are members
of a tennis club,
but the waitstaff there
is mostly Mexican, um--
- She's fucking with you.
Tina's my secretary
going on ten years.
- Oh, that's very funny.
- Racist.
- All right, fuckers, here's
our timeline, lean and mean.
- A week to produce
a test issue?
That is way too fast.
- Well, we got to boogie
if we want to be the first
out of the gate, right?
- You think
there's a second nude
feminist magazine in the works?
- If there's not now,
there soon will be.
Centerfold ideas, shoot.
What do we got?
Bambi, go ahead.
- Um, I was thinking,
what's the number one thing
women find sexy?
- Intelligence--
- Motorcycles.
Picture this:
tricked out Harley,
big, muscley model with a juicy
boner draped over the throttle.
- Mm.
- What's the caption?
- "Wild Hogs."
- "Greasy Riders."
- Oh.
- Ooh, I got it.
"Rode Hard and Put Away Wet."
- Ooh, yes.
- That's the one.
- Bambi, that's genius.
- That's really good, Bambi--
- Yo--ah--this is just
not quite what I had in mind.
It's a great first try though.
- What's wrong with it?
- It's just, how do motorcycles
relate to feminism?
Are erections consistent
with our philosophy?
If--if our goal is
to level the playing field
between the sexes,
then should our penises
be ready to assault?
Or--or should they be
approachable and unassuming,
draped gently on a thigh,
tucked away, under a throw?
- I think you're missing
the point of a centerfold.
No one cares about philosophy.
The only question that matters
is, does it turn you on?
- That is a question
for the ages,
which we could debate
for months.
- Well, we wouldn't want
to do that, now would we?
- Well, we wouldn't want
to rush into things either.
You know,
we should give this magazine
the thought it deserves.
- And I think we are.
- Some highly
recommended reading,
"Lady Chatterley's Lover,"
and then we have
the "Kinsey Report,"
Volumes 1 and 2.
And last summer's bestseller,
"Our Bodies, Ourselves."
There is an eye-opening
section on vulvas, page 93.
- Great.
- You sure about this one?
She seems a little brainy.
- Yeah,
I think that's the point.
Unless you want to be selling
under-the-counter mags
for the rest of your life.
- Got us this far.
- Yeah, but you were happy
selling magazines
out of the trunk of my car.
- You were pretty happy
then too.
- This is gonna be great
for us.
You'll see.
We just got to get Joyce
out of her own head.
- ♪ Late night mama ♪
♪ She likes to get it on ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ And she's my
late night mama ♪
♪ She likes to get it on ♪
♪ Oh, she's my
late night mama ♪
♪ She likes to get it on ♪
- Who are those guys?
- Models--potential models.
- We agreed to take our time.
- Yeah--we've got momentum.
You do not stand in front
of a moving train.
- I have ideas
for big, splashy stories.
Okay, um--
- Okay.
- I--I could go undercover
at an abortion clinic,
and I could take
firsthand accounts of rape.
- You could also walk up
and down Sunset Boulevard,
shouting our idea into the
windows of other publishers.
- What is this obsession
you have with getting scooped?
- Has farting up your own ass
gotten you anywhere in life?
- Apparently not.
- Okay.
Joyce, please,
just give me a couple of days.
That's all I ask.
Just try it my way.
Okay.
"Electric flesh-arrows
traversing the body.
"A rainbow of color
strikes the eyelids.
It is the gong of orgasm."
- Hey.
We're looking for models
for a male nude magazine.
You'll be--
you'll be butt-ass naked,
that means your dick.
If you got a problem with it,
the door's right there.
- Let's do it.
- Great.
- Okay.
Go ahead.
- Uh--um, uh--
Does this not feel
predatory to you?
I mean,
why do we have to see...
the thing
before the photoshoot?
I'm sure it's lovely,
you know--well,
I mean, as lovely
as they get, right?
They are all
basically the same, so.
- Not all wieners
are the same, babes.
There's shorties, fatties,
long ones, flatties.
- Playful, shy, jaded, bored.
- You have seen a dick before?
- Of course I've seen dicks.
I've seen so many dicks.
I've seen two and a half.
In very dim lighting.
- Oh, wow.
- Panties off.
- Oh.
- Oh!
A short fatty.
- That's a fun combo.
♪ ♪
- ♪ Mr. Big Stuff ♪
♪ Who do you think you are? ♪
♪ Mr. Big Stuff ♪
♪ You're never
gonna get my love ♪
- Ooh.
- ♪ Not because you wear ♪
♪ All those fancy clothes ♪
- ♪ Oh, yeah ♪
- Oh.
- Great.
- ♪ Oh, yes, you do now ♪
♪ Do you think
I can't afford ♪
♪ To give you my love ♪
- ♪ Oh, yeah ♪
- ♪ You think you're higher ♪
♪ Than every star above ♪
- I like him.
- ♪ Tell me ♪
♪ Who do you think you are? ♪
♪ Mr. Big Stuff ♪
♪ You're never
gonna get my love ♪
♪ Mr. Big Stuff ♪
♪ You're never
gonna make me cry ♪
- I don't know, I think--
I mean,
what'd you guys think
of this one, right?
- Oh, I loved him.
- Oh, he's cute.
And he's a real sweetheart too.
- Yeah.
- Right?
- He was an adorable idiot.
He was like a Golden Retriever
in human form.
- Are you always this picky?
- Look, whomever
we choose is gonna have
to sell the philosophy
behind the magazine, okay?
If he's not an intellectual,
then how are we any different
than "Milky Moms"?
- Joyce, I hate to--
- Sorry, I read the time wrong.
I thought you guys
started at 12:00 a.m.
- What audition starts
at midnight?
- Rats.
I'm always getting my a.m.s
and my p.m.s confused.
- Oh.
- Wasting no time.
- Did you strip down
in our hall?
- The receptionist told me to.
Did I do something wrong?
- Not cool, Rita.
- Aw, that's happened
to me a million times.
- So tell us about yourself.
- I'm Shane.
I'm a fireman.
- Is that it?
- Um, I grew up in Malibu.
Played football for Pali.
Go Dolphins!
- All right, well, thank you.
We will call you.
Oh.
- Oh, shit.
- Everyone stay calm.
The shaking you're feeling
is an earthquake.
- Yes, thank you.
We know what an earthquake is.
We live in Los Angeles.
Whoa--ah!
- Are you okay, ma'am?
- Yeah.
Yeah, um,
I'm fine.
Thank you.
- Just doing my job.
- Maybe we should
stay here just a second,
in case
there's any aftershocks.
- Okay.
That's fine.
- ♪ Joyce has a boyfriend,
Joyce has a boyfriend ♪
- He loves you.
He wants to put babies in you.
- Oh, yeah.
- Vassar's gonna ball
our first centerfold.
- I never said
he was our centerfold.
- You're a white bitch.
We want white bitch readers
because they have money.
- Mm.
- If you want to fuck him,
the other
white bitches will too.
- I never said
I want to F him--
- Ah, you just about
creamed my couch.
- Oh, come on!
- The "Kinsey Reports" says
that a woman's vagina
doubles in length
when she's horny.
Ha!
It's called "vaginal tenting".
- Bambi, no.
- Okay, I may have
found him desirable, yes,
but it's not my fault.
Evolution has conditioned women
to be attracted to rescuers.
It's up to us to overcome
our animal desires--
- Someone please stop her.
That is no fun.
- Well, maybe I'm no fun then.
- You are.
You're just scared
of that part of yourself,
'cause you think
it makes you seem weak.
You know, you can be
more than one thing.
- Uh, maybe for a guy.
Women cannot lose focus.
- All right, maybe.
Either way,
it's a good idea for a story.
- Mm, that is a good idea.
Did you just come up with that?
- I guess I'm more
than one thing too.
How's that?
- Let's drink.
- Fireman!
Fireman! Fireman! Fireman!
- Whoo!
- Okay, bye.
- Bye!
- 7:00 a.m.
Wow.
- Can I help you
with something?
- Yeah, I was just dropping off
some of your stuff
that you left at my place.
Thought you'd be getting ready
for work by now.
- Took some time off.
- Did you?
- I am developing
"The Matriarchy Awakens"
with a prominent publisher.
All those nights,
working away in your room
and for what?
So you could be
the porn queen of Pasadena?
- How do you know about--
- How do I know?
Everybody's gonna know, Joyce.
This isn't a secret
you can keep.
This is low.
- Anyway, it's just--
it's a small part
of the magazine, so.
- Do you know the story
of McGregor?
- Who?
- A drunk starts talking
to a tourist in a Scottish pub.
He says, "Do you see
that dock over there?
"I built it myself,
stone by stone.
"But do they call me
McGregor the dock builder?
"No.
You see that bridge over there?
"I built that too.
"But do they call me
McGregor the bridge builder?
"No.
But you fuck one sheep--"
- You're a real jerk,
you know that?
- And you're a sellout.
Good luck with the magazine.
- Compromising your vision.
It gets a bad rap,
but should it?
You know, I say--
ow!
Gloria?
- Compromise is for those
who lack the will to fight.
You've made a mockery
of us all.
- Hello?
- Babes!
We've been calling all day.
The photoshoot's a go.
We start at 6:00.
- Who plans a photoshoot
in one day?
- We do.
Don't you think it looks great?
Hey, Richie,
how 'bout a little tighter?
- Yeah, okay.
- This is cheesy.
And--
I'm sorry,
this is just embarrassing.
And it's--this--
it's completely meaningless.
We're supposed to be
saying something here.
- Okay, Joyce, come on.
Take a minute and enjoy this.
Look at all these people
working hard
to make your dream come true.
- You think this is my dream?
My dream is a pot
of delicious, healthy soup,
and what you're doing is adding
a tiny little piece of shit
to it and stirring it in,
hoping no one's gonna notice.
- Oh, is that right?
- This is not just
some piece of business
for me, okay?
This is my life's work.
Why should I have
to compromise that
for someone else?
- Because grow the fuck up.
That's why.
You think
you're doing me a favor?
I'm a goddamn success story.
I'm the American Dream,
and I'm sorry to tell you this,
Joyce, but maybe
your magazine isn't as good
as you think it is--yet.
- Who are you
to determine that?
- I'm the money.
- Yeah, well,
your money costs too much.
- Well, that's too bad,
'cause I'm the only one
who sees what you can do.
- Guys, am I draping my penis
over the fire pole or--
What?
♪ ♪
- Hey, sexy lady.
- Fuck you!
- That's the idea.
- Yoo-hoo.
I stole the kids' baskets and
blamed it on the Easter Devil.
That's a new character
I created.
You're not the only artist
in the family.
- Hmm.
- Here,
chocolate makes it better.
- No, I'm fine.
- Hmm.
Why aren't you answering
my calls?
It's been weeks.
- 'Cause I've been busy
rethinking my life.
- Mm, and have you been
to a newsstand recently?
You know, a research trip?
- Nope.
I'm done with all that.
I'm gonna do what Glenn does.
Sit tight at "Teen Queen,"
write about eyeliner,
get promoted.
- Okay, well, if you--
- Look, Shell,
I know that you want this
for me,
but I would rather
never publish a magazine
than capitulate
to someone's bad idea.
- Well,
what if it isn't a bad idea?
- Uh, a magazine full
of naked men?
It is deeply,
inescapably just silly.
- Will you look
in your Easter basket already?
Yes.
Yeah.
Open it up.
I bookmarked the page.
- "At last,
a male nude centerfold."
- It's television star
Burt Reynolds.
- People like this?
- Joycie, it's a sensation.
♪ ♪
- ♪ Been 40 days
since I don't know when ♪
♪ I just saw her
with my best friend ♪
♪ Do you know what I mean? ♪
♪ Do you know,
know what I mean? ♪
- I am never gonna be able
to look at him the same.
Joyce, come look at this.
- It's just a body.
- What you looking at, gals?
- You should do this
for your girlfriend, Cory.
Get her good and hot.
- That's inappropriate
for the workplace.
- Would you welcome
Burt Reynolds.
- Hey, hey!
Hi, John.
- Hello, Burt.
I didn't recognize you
standing up.
- ♪ Ooh!
Help me ♪
♪ ♪
- "Cat-Tastic."
- Your street is lovely.
It's not where I pictured you.
- Yeah, I always wanted
to live in a place like this
when I was a kid, so now I do.
- I, uh, assume
you've seen "Cosmo"?
- The whole country's
seen "Cosmo."
- It was a cheat.
He was barely even naked,
and women went crazy for it,
just like you said they would.
- Yep.
- And it made me think
that maybe we should give
this magazine another shot.
I know that male erotica
is in the zeitgeist now,
but we're still ahead
of the curve.
We could be on the newsstands
before anyone else.
- Yeah.
You know, Joyce,
here's the thing.
I go to any one
of my magazines,
and, well, people are dying
to hear what I have to say,
but you act like I'm
some sort of a fucking clown
until some fancy
Manhattan editor
throws old Burt Reynolds
on a bearskin rug,
and then I get
your stamp of approval, huh?
- This magazine has been
a part of me for a long time,
and I didn't realize
how hard it was gonna be
to let it go out into the world
and become this living,
breathing thing.
I thought you were a tacky
salesman with a cheap gimmick.
And you kind of are,
but you do know something
that I'm just figuring out.
That a magazine has--it's got
to make you feel something,
and seeing a naked guy
does that to women,
whether they are curious
or turned on
or just want to laugh at him,
it's the ability to look
makes a woman feel powerful.
That's what our magazine
is all about.
Or, you know, it could be if...
you give me one more chance.
- I don't know, Joyce.
I'll have to, uh--
I'll have to think about it.
- All right, well, don't fart
up your ass for too long, Doug.
I have a killer idea
for a centerfold.
- Oh, yes.
That's hot stuff right there.
- Okay, ladies, I'm bored.
Give me more.
Be dirty.
- Look over here, baby!
- Hey!
Show us your dick!
- Jeez.
Being a woman's intense.
- Yeah!
- Give it to us.
- Not bad, Joyce.
- You know, I got to hand it
to you with this centerfold.
You pulled a rabbit
out of a hat.
- Thank you.
- You've come a long way fast.
- Well,
"Life shrinks or expands
in proportion to one's courage.
Life is--"
- "Is a process of becoming."
- You read the books?
- You asked me to, so what?
I liked 'em.
She's got a way with words,
that Anais Nin.
- It's pronounced "Anays Neen."
- Are you kidding me right now?
- I don't know why I do it.
- Okay.
All right, Joyce, big question.
- Yeah.
- What are we gonna do
about a title?
- What, of the magazine?
Nothing.
What's wrong with
"The Matriarchy Awakens"?
- It's poon poison.
- Gross.
- Chicks hear it,
they dry right up.
What we need
is a wet pussy title.
- A wet pussy title?
♪ ♪
- ♪ A goddess
on a mountain top ♪
♪ Was burning
like a silver flame ♪
♪ The summit
of beauty and love ♪
♪ And Venus was her name ♪
♪ She's got it ♪
♪ Yeah, baby, she's got it ♪
♪ Well, I'm your Venus,
I'm your fire ♪
♪ At your desire ♪
♪ Well, I'm your Venus,
I'm your fire ♪
♪ At your desire ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Her weapons were
her crystal eyes ♪
♪ Making every man mad ♪
♪ Black as the dark night
she was ♪
♪ Got what no one else had,
wow ♪
♪ She's got it ♪
♪ Yeah, baby, she's got it ♪
♪ Well, I'm your Venus,
I'm your fire ♪
♪ At your desire ♪
♪ Well, I'm your Venus,
I'm your fire ♪
♪ At your desire ♪
Pulitzer Committee,
for this joyous honor.
My good friend, Gloria Steinem,
once asked me,
"Joyce, did you know
that the magazine
"you created
in your childhood bedroom
would change
the world forever?"
No.
No, I never dared imagine--
- Show me your tits!
Show me your tits!
- Come on, baby!
- Shake them cans, baby.
Yeah.
- Hi.
I'd love to discuss
your use of catcalling
to communicate
with women on the street.
I'm sure that
this was acceptable
when you were coming up
in the construction industry,
but times have changed.
So if you want to meet me,
you can introduce yourself
with a handshake and a name.
- I'm Mike.
- And I'm Joyce.
- Cool, Joyce.
So you gonna sit on my face
or what?
- All right.
♪ ♪
- Welcome
to the Southern California
Magazine Pitch Festival,
where we connect
the magazine creators
of tomorrow
with the publishers of today.
This year's publishers
are a fine--
- Do you mind?
- Oh, I--I'm sorry.
They got some policy
about smoking cigars inside,
like it's a fucking hospital
or some shit.
- Line up for whichever
publishers float your boat.
Dazzle 'em with your
three-minute presentation,
- Hey, is that, uh--
first pitch fest?
- Yeah.
Yeah, so I'm just
trying to listen to her.
- I wouldn't get your hopes up.
- Excuse me?
- Ah, it's just
that everybody
and their mama's trying
to sell a magazine nowadays.
For every, you know,
"Cat Fancy"
that finds
its perfect niche audience,
there's about
a thousand "Cat-Tastics"
that are gonna
crash and burn, so.
- Thanks for the recap on
the booming magazine industry.
I'm not "Cat-Tastic"
or any other imitator.
I have been working
on my idea for years.
- You say for years?
- Yeah.
- Good.
Do me a favor.
Come pitch it to me.
- You're a publisher?
- I am.
I'll see you in there.
Good luck.
- "Giant Juggs."
"Milky Moms."
Ew.
- Now go forth and conquer!
- ♪ Ooh ♪
♪ I don't swing my hips
when I walk ♪
♪ And I don't bite my tongue
when I talk ♪
♪ I don't move
when you want me to move ♪
♪ And I don't groove
when you tell me to groove ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm a queen,
and I always will be ♪
♪ All you got to do
is try me ♪
- "Math is Hard.
When Back to School
Makes You Feel Like a Fool."
"From Date to Mate:
You Too Can Snag a Spouse."
"The Grapefruit Diet:
Find Your Thin Within."
What do these articles
have in common?
- They're cute and fun.
- With pictures of pretty gals.
- The kind of stuff
my old lady reads in the tub.
- What they have in common
is they're the exact opposite
of the stories I'm gonna have
in my magazine.
This country treats women
like second-class citizens.
We're overlooked, underpaid,
and overwhelmed.
We deserve a magazine
that inspires us--
that shows us how to fight.
Gentlemen, this is your chance
to be on the right side
of history.
"The Matriarchy Awakens."
- Why is she so angry?
- Uh, I believe I covered that
in my presenta--
- Hey, "Cat-Tastic."
You need a hand?
- No, I'm fine.
- Suit yourself.
Hey, you forgot
to find me today.
How'd it go?
- My pitch needs
a smidge of work.
- Yeah, I overheard you
at "Conde Nasty."
Hey, if it were me,
I'd stop bragging
about how different I was
from the most successful
women's magazines in,
oh, I don't know, forever.
I would say that I was
just like 'em, you know,
but--but with a twist.
- Yeah, well,
maybe that'd work on you,
but I'm looking for
a different kind of publisher.
- Oh, yeah?
And what kind is that?
- The kind that doesn't
fetishize lactating mothers.
Some mouth on you.
You know, for your information,
I got 4 million
in circulation, I got
12 titles on the rack--
- Yeah,
a dozen pornography titles.
- What, you think
that's easy to do?
- Breasts, more breasts.
Oh, look--bigger breasts.
If you have to do porn,
at least be original.
- Mm.
- Photograph naked old people.
Or, I don't know, make
a magazine full of nude men.
You know what, maybe you
could be the first centerfold.
See how you like being
objectified for once.
- You dropped something.
- ♪ Yeah,
I had a dream I could fly ♪
♪ High up above the ground ♪
- I'm sorry, love,
it slipped my mind.
- My parents already
think you hate them.
- I don't hate
your parents, Glenn.
Hate that they voted
for Nixon, but--
- You know how my mom gets
hung up on this holiday party.
- Well, that's what happens
to smart women who don't work.
Still have these big brains,
so they use them on things
that don't matter.
See, now that's a story idea.
- Right.
Of course it is.
- What does that mean?
- Your magazine, Joyce.
There are three people
in this relationship,
and not in a fun way.
- Look, I know I've been
preoccupied lately.
- Lately?
You've been completely obsessed
the entire time
we've been dating.
- Well, then so why does
it suddenly matter?
- I guess I just thought
it would be out
of your system by now.
- Out of my system?
You've just been
waiting for me to--
what, give up?
- Joyce.
I love you.
The magazine's not working out,
and I don't get
why you're still going.
- No,
of course you don't get it,
because you rose
through the ranks
of a national magazine writing
about houndstooth blazers
and skinny lapels.
- Okay.
- But my stories are political.
No one wants to touch 'em,
so I have to do it myself.
- No, you don't.
Just put all of that energy
into something else.
We could have
a great life together.
- Are you asking me to choose?
- Well, it's not much
of a choice, is it?
- No, it's not.
- ♪ If you walk
upon the water ♪
♪ Your feet start sinking
in the sand ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Father Time,
he must unwind ♪
♪ Have a heart
and lose his mind ♪
♪ I believe our bad luck
is gonna change ♪
- Hello?
- Yes, I did have
a good Valentine's Day.
- We actually have
a Valentine's Day special.
30% off if you order today.
- That's right, just $9 a year.
Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, that's the sweet spot
right there.
You know, you should do this
for your boyfriend,
get him good and hot.
- I'm sorry, what was that?
Yes, ma'am,
you can cancel at any time.
- You'll get the first issue
next week.
Hope your daughter likes it.
If she's as political
as you say, I'd recommend
getting a "Newsweek"
subscription instead.
There's a revolution coming,
and we're still publishing
puff pieces
about David Cassidy.
- Hey ya, honey.
- What are you doing here?
- Oh, I came to kidnap you.
Nah, you put where you work
in your magazine, dummy.
- You read my magazine?
- I did.
What, you think
I'm illiterate or something?
- Well--
- Look, it's not Proust.
- It's pronounced "Proost."
- Do people enjoy your company?
- Not really.
Look, you've got to go, okay?
My co-workers are G-rated.
They wear sweater sets
and pearls.
- Oh, come on,
those sweater girls are all
freaks on the inside,
you can trust me on that.
Hey, come to Mort's, 1:00.
Let's talk business, okay?
- You think I'm just
gonna show up
for some mystery meeting
in a diner,
like I have nothing better to--
- So, we're up in Lake Havasu,
and we're shooting
these two chicks
for the cover of "Asian Asses,"
and I got this really sexy kind
of Vietnam rice paddy angle
and my makeup boy, Richie,
knocks the bag of film
right into the water.
- Mm.
- So we got to shut down
as he goes into town,
and the chicks start bitching,
you know?
- They do that.
- "Doug, how long
is this gonna take?
It's so cold out here."
So guess what I did.
- Re-evaluated
your entire existence?
- I gave them the only thing
that I had to read in my car,
which was your magazine.
- Your centerfolds read
"The Matriarchy Awakens"?
- Also not illiterate.
- Did they like it?
Not that it matters.
I'm just curious if they--
- It blew 'em away.
- It did?
- It did.
It's been three weeks,
and they're still
talking about the articles.
And one of 'em even hit me up
about a raise
because of something
that you wrote
about the pay gap.
- Well--
- I mean, she's not
gonna get it.
Look, I got a lot of readers.
Men.
And they write to me
all the time,
and they say,
"Doug, shit's changing."
You know,
"Chicks are changing."
So I got to figure out,
you know,
what to do with that,
what's next.
And then I started thinking
maybe I got to stop talking
to the men.
Maybe--maybe I should be
talking to the women.
- You want to talk to women?
- Well, there's a lot
of you out there,
and I'd like a piece
of that pie.
- Oh, you're not suggesting
that you publish
"The Matriarchy Awakens."
Oh, God no.
I mean,
not in its current form.
Hey, don't get me wrong,
it's good.
It's just you got a challenge.
And the tone,
it comes across as shouty.
When I'm reading it,
I feel like
a fucking teacher
is yelling at me.
- Well, who cares
how it makes you feel?
It's supposed
to make people think.
- You got to hide the medicine.
It's like when you give a pill
to a dog,
you dip it
in peanut butter first.
So my question is,
what's our peanut butter?
- I'm sorry, are you waiting--
- It's nude men.
Did you say nude men?
- Not like a schvantz
right in the face,
you know, classy.
With your modern,
you know, lady point of view.
- Are you mentally ill?
- You're the one
who came up with the idea.
- No--that was
a conversational bon mot.
Do you even understand
what it is I am trying
to do here?
- Of course, I do--feminism.
Making shit fair and equal
for the chicks.
So tell me this,
how is it fair and equal
that a guy has twelve places
to go to see a pair of titties,
but a gal has no place
to go to see a dong?
- Gals do not want
to see a dong.
- Oh, they don't?
Now how do you know?
- Because I am one, so.
- Mm.
Well, would you like
to put money on it?
- What, you mean, like a bet?
- No, honey.
Like a magazine.
- He wants to give you
an office and a staff
and fund your first
three issues?
Didn't you tell me that cost,
like, 50 grand?
- Maybe.
- Joycie!
That's a lot of money.
- Yeah,
but it comes with strings.
You know, big ones wrapped
around peckers.
- Maybe it'll just be
a single, tiny weenus
hidden in the back
of the magazine.
- Why are you trying
to talk me into this?
- You're my baby sister.
I hate to see you
spin your wheels.
You've been at this
for so long.
- Look, I know
it's a good opportunity.
Well, an opportunity.
- The only opportunity.
- Why does it have to come
from this guy?
He's just so wrong.
- Do you think that Lenny had
all of the qualities
I was looking for in a husband?
You know, I wanted someone
who loved to travel,
not someone who gets diarrhea
from looking at Chinese food.
But he takes care of me.
He's a great dad.
No, I didn't get everything
I wanted, you know,
but I'm--I'm happy.
- All right,
even if I wanted to,
do you think
I could pull this off?
The--the nudity?
- Why not?
- 'Cause I'm not
some sexy, cool girl.
I went to Vassar.
- Yeah, and that's what
this guy wants from you,
that Seven Sisters polish...
all over his magazine of knobs.
- Oh, Shelly.
Don't be disgusting.
- What?
You're the pornographer.
You got to get used
to this kind of talk.
- ♪ I am woman, hear me roar,
in numbers ♪
♪ Too big to ignore ♪
- ♪ Too big to ignore ♪
♪ No one's ever gonna
keep me down again ♪
♪ Oh, yes, I am wise ♪
♪ But it's wisdom
born of pain ♪
♪ Yes, I've paid the price ♪
♪ But look how much ♪
♪ I've gained ♪
♪ If I have to ♪
♪ I can do anything ♪
♪ I am strong, strong ♪
♪ I am invincible, invincible ♪
I'm in Gomorrah.
♪ ♪
- You need something?
Good morning.
Hello.
Um, yes, I'm here to see,
um, Doug Renetti.
My name is Joyce--
- Joyce Prigger, is that you?
Hi!
I'm Bambi.
- Hi--
- So good to meet you.
- Hi.
- I model for Doug.
Most recently
in "Bodacious Butts."
I was Miss May, June,
and July.
- Oh--oh, wow.
That's a busy summer.
- Yeah, it was almost too much.
- Oh.
- I'm tired.
Um, can I just say,
thank you so much
for this opportunity?
I mean, to learn from someone
like you is just--
oh, Doug didn't tell you?
I'm working for the magazine.
I'm your new
centerfold coordinator.
- Oh!
- Okay, tour time.
- What is
a centerfold coordinator?
- I don't know, I made it up.
Doesn't it sound fancy?
Okay,
so it's basically just like
any other regular old office.
We have Art Department,
Editorial.
That's Shipping, Accounting.
Ugh.
Ignore Gerry.
He's just mad
Doug pulled the plug
on his magazine idea
to do yours.
- Your accountant created
a magazine?
- Yeah.
You know Doug.
He thinks a zillion-dollar
idea can come from anyone.
This is all
our photo editing and--
- Is he rouging
that woman's breasts?
- Oh, yeah.
Um, nips don't read pink
under hot lights,
so we have to--huh.
Richie, are we gonna have
to put makeup on dicks?
- Mm, one can only hope.
- That's Richie.
- Oh.
- He's our makeup artist,
but he's gonna
be your photographer,
'cause none of the other guys
want to shoot wieners.
- Don't worry,
I know my way around a camera.
I've been photographing
my lovers throughout the years.
- Oh.
- Ooh, I love this ensemble.
- Oh.
Enchanté.
Morning.
- Doug.
- Hey, look who made it.
You look beat.
Long drive?
How's a cup of coffee?
- A cup of tea would be divine.
- Oh, I'm not the secretary.
I'm just Black.
- I'm so sorry.
It was actually the way
that you were pouring the
waters that I thought that--
- Reminded you of the help
at your tennis club?
- No.
Uh--ah, well,
we are members
of a tennis club,
but the waitstaff there
is mostly Mexican, um--
- She's fucking with you.
Tina's my secretary
going on ten years.
- Oh, that's very funny.
- Racist.
- All right, fuckers, here's
our timeline, lean and mean.
- A week to produce
a test issue?
That is way too fast.
- Well, we got to boogie
if we want to be the first
out of the gate, right?
- You think
there's a second nude
feminist magazine in the works?
- If there's not now,
there soon will be.
Centerfold ideas, shoot.
What do we got?
Bambi, go ahead.
- Um, I was thinking,
what's the number one thing
women find sexy?
- Intelligence--
- Motorcycles.
Picture this:
tricked out Harley,
big, muscley model with a juicy
boner draped over the throttle.
- Mm.
- What's the caption?
- "Wild Hogs."
- "Greasy Riders."
- Oh.
- Ooh, I got it.
"Rode Hard and Put Away Wet."
- Ooh, yes.
- That's the one.
- Bambi, that's genius.
- That's really good, Bambi--
- Yo--ah--this is just
not quite what I had in mind.
It's a great first try though.
- What's wrong with it?
- It's just, how do motorcycles
relate to feminism?
Are erections consistent
with our philosophy?
If--if our goal is
to level the playing field
between the sexes,
then should our penises
be ready to assault?
Or--or should they be
approachable and unassuming,
draped gently on a thigh,
tucked away, under a throw?
- I think you're missing
the point of a centerfold.
No one cares about philosophy.
The only question that matters
is, does it turn you on?
- That is a question
for the ages,
which we could debate
for months.
- Well, we wouldn't want
to do that, now would we?
- Well, we wouldn't want
to rush into things either.
You know,
we should give this magazine
the thought it deserves.
- And I think we are.
- Some highly
recommended reading,
"Lady Chatterley's Lover,"
and then we have
the "Kinsey Report,"
Volumes 1 and 2.
And last summer's bestseller,
"Our Bodies, Ourselves."
There is an eye-opening
section on vulvas, page 93.
- Great.
- You sure about this one?
She seems a little brainy.
- Yeah,
I think that's the point.
Unless you want to be selling
under-the-counter mags
for the rest of your life.
- Got us this far.
- Yeah, but you were happy
selling magazines
out of the trunk of my car.
- You were pretty happy
then too.
- This is gonna be great
for us.
You'll see.
We just got to get Joyce
out of her own head.
- ♪ Late night mama ♪
♪ She likes to get it on ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ And she's my
late night mama ♪
♪ She likes to get it on ♪
♪ Oh, she's my
late night mama ♪
♪ She likes to get it on ♪
- Who are those guys?
- Models--potential models.
- We agreed to take our time.
- Yeah--we've got momentum.
You do not stand in front
of a moving train.
- I have ideas
for big, splashy stories.
Okay, um--
- Okay.
- I--I could go undercover
at an abortion clinic,
and I could take
firsthand accounts of rape.
- You could also walk up
and down Sunset Boulevard,
shouting our idea into the
windows of other publishers.
- What is this obsession
you have with getting scooped?
- Has farting up your own ass
gotten you anywhere in life?
- Apparently not.
- Okay.
Joyce, please,
just give me a couple of days.
That's all I ask.
Just try it my way.
Okay.
"Electric flesh-arrows
traversing the body.
"A rainbow of color
strikes the eyelids.
It is the gong of orgasm."
- Hey.
We're looking for models
for a male nude magazine.
You'll be--
you'll be butt-ass naked,
that means your dick.
If you got a problem with it,
the door's right there.
- Let's do it.
- Great.
- Okay.
Go ahead.
- Uh--um, uh--
Does this not feel
predatory to you?
I mean,
why do we have to see...
the thing
before the photoshoot?
I'm sure it's lovely,
you know--well,
I mean, as lovely
as they get, right?
They are all
basically the same, so.
- Not all wieners
are the same, babes.
There's shorties, fatties,
long ones, flatties.
- Playful, shy, jaded, bored.
- You have seen a dick before?
- Of course I've seen dicks.
I've seen so many dicks.
I've seen two and a half.
In very dim lighting.
- Oh, wow.
- Panties off.
- Oh.
- Oh!
A short fatty.
- That's a fun combo.
♪ ♪
- ♪ Mr. Big Stuff ♪
♪ Who do you think you are? ♪
♪ Mr. Big Stuff ♪
♪ You're never
gonna get my love ♪
- Ooh.
- ♪ Not because you wear ♪
♪ All those fancy clothes ♪
- ♪ Oh, yeah ♪
- Oh.
- Great.
- ♪ Oh, yes, you do now ♪
♪ Do you think
I can't afford ♪
♪ To give you my love ♪
- ♪ Oh, yeah ♪
- ♪ You think you're higher ♪
♪ Than every star above ♪
- I like him.
- ♪ Tell me ♪
♪ Who do you think you are? ♪
♪ Mr. Big Stuff ♪
♪ You're never
gonna get my love ♪
♪ Mr. Big Stuff ♪
♪ You're never
gonna make me cry ♪
- I don't know, I think--
I mean,
what'd you guys think
of this one, right?
- Oh, I loved him.
- Oh, he's cute.
And he's a real sweetheart too.
- Yeah.
- Right?
- He was an adorable idiot.
He was like a Golden Retriever
in human form.
- Are you always this picky?
- Look, whomever
we choose is gonna have
to sell the philosophy
behind the magazine, okay?
If he's not an intellectual,
then how are we any different
than "Milky Moms"?
- Joyce, I hate to--
- Sorry, I read the time wrong.
I thought you guys
started at 12:00 a.m.
- What audition starts
at midnight?
- Rats.
I'm always getting my a.m.s
and my p.m.s confused.
- Oh.
- Wasting no time.
- Did you strip down
in our hall?
- The receptionist told me to.
Did I do something wrong?
- Not cool, Rita.
- Aw, that's happened
to me a million times.
- So tell us about yourself.
- I'm Shane.
I'm a fireman.
- Is that it?
- Um, I grew up in Malibu.
Played football for Pali.
Go Dolphins!
- All right, well, thank you.
We will call you.
Oh.
- Oh, shit.
- Everyone stay calm.
The shaking you're feeling
is an earthquake.
- Yes, thank you.
We know what an earthquake is.
We live in Los Angeles.
Whoa--ah!
- Are you okay, ma'am?
- Yeah.
Yeah, um,
I'm fine.
Thank you.
- Just doing my job.
- Maybe we should
stay here just a second,
in case
there's any aftershocks.
- Okay.
That's fine.
- ♪ Joyce has a boyfriend,
Joyce has a boyfriend ♪
- He loves you.
He wants to put babies in you.
- Oh, yeah.
- Vassar's gonna ball
our first centerfold.
- I never said
he was our centerfold.
- You're a white bitch.
We want white bitch readers
because they have money.
- Mm.
- If you want to fuck him,
the other
white bitches will too.
- I never said
I want to F him--
- Ah, you just about
creamed my couch.
- Oh, come on!
- The "Kinsey Reports" says
that a woman's vagina
doubles in length
when she's horny.
Ha!
It's called "vaginal tenting".
- Bambi, no.
- Okay, I may have
found him desirable, yes,
but it's not my fault.
Evolution has conditioned women
to be attracted to rescuers.
It's up to us to overcome
our animal desires--
- Someone please stop her.
That is no fun.
- Well, maybe I'm no fun then.
- You are.
You're just scared
of that part of yourself,
'cause you think
it makes you seem weak.
You know, you can be
more than one thing.
- Uh, maybe for a guy.
Women cannot lose focus.
- All right, maybe.
Either way,
it's a good idea for a story.
- Mm, that is a good idea.
Did you just come up with that?
- I guess I'm more
than one thing too.
How's that?
- Let's drink.
- Fireman!
Fireman! Fireman! Fireman!
- Whoo!
- Okay, bye.
- Bye!
- 7:00 a.m.
Wow.
- Can I help you
with something?
- Yeah, I was just dropping off
some of your stuff
that you left at my place.
Thought you'd be getting ready
for work by now.
- Took some time off.
- Did you?
- I am developing
"The Matriarchy Awakens"
with a prominent publisher.
All those nights,
working away in your room
and for what?
So you could be
the porn queen of Pasadena?
- How do you know about--
- How do I know?
Everybody's gonna know, Joyce.
This isn't a secret
you can keep.
This is low.
- Anyway, it's just--
it's a small part
of the magazine, so.
- Do you know the story
of McGregor?
- Who?
- A drunk starts talking
to a tourist in a Scottish pub.
He says, "Do you see
that dock over there?
"I built it myself,
stone by stone.
"But do they call me
McGregor the dock builder?
"No.
You see that bridge over there?
"I built that too.
"But do they call me
McGregor the bridge builder?
"No.
But you fuck one sheep--"
- You're a real jerk,
you know that?
- And you're a sellout.
Good luck with the magazine.
- Compromising your vision.
It gets a bad rap,
but should it?
You know, I say--
ow!
Gloria?
- Compromise is for those
who lack the will to fight.
You've made a mockery
of us all.
- Hello?
- Babes!
We've been calling all day.
The photoshoot's a go.
We start at 6:00.
- Who plans a photoshoot
in one day?
- We do.
Don't you think it looks great?
Hey, Richie,
how 'bout a little tighter?
- Yeah, okay.
- This is cheesy.
And--
I'm sorry,
this is just embarrassing.
And it's--this--
it's completely meaningless.
We're supposed to be
saying something here.
- Okay, Joyce, come on.
Take a minute and enjoy this.
Look at all these people
working hard
to make your dream come true.
- You think this is my dream?
My dream is a pot
of delicious, healthy soup,
and what you're doing is adding
a tiny little piece of shit
to it and stirring it in,
hoping no one's gonna notice.
- Oh, is that right?
- This is not just
some piece of business
for me, okay?
This is my life's work.
Why should I have
to compromise that
for someone else?
- Because grow the fuck up.
That's why.
You think
you're doing me a favor?
I'm a goddamn success story.
I'm the American Dream,
and I'm sorry to tell you this,
Joyce, but maybe
your magazine isn't as good
as you think it is--yet.
- Who are you
to determine that?
- I'm the money.
- Yeah, well,
your money costs too much.
- Well, that's too bad,
'cause I'm the only one
who sees what you can do.
- Guys, am I draping my penis
over the fire pole or--
What?
♪ ♪
- Hey, sexy lady.
- Fuck you!
- That's the idea.
- Yoo-hoo.
I stole the kids' baskets and
blamed it on the Easter Devil.
That's a new character
I created.
You're not the only artist
in the family.
- Hmm.
- Here,
chocolate makes it better.
- No, I'm fine.
- Hmm.
Why aren't you answering
my calls?
It's been weeks.
- 'Cause I've been busy
rethinking my life.
- Mm, and have you been
to a newsstand recently?
You know, a research trip?
- Nope.
I'm done with all that.
I'm gonna do what Glenn does.
Sit tight at "Teen Queen,"
write about eyeliner,
get promoted.
- Okay, well, if you--
- Look, Shell,
I know that you want this
for me,
but I would rather
never publish a magazine
than capitulate
to someone's bad idea.
- Well,
what if it isn't a bad idea?
- Uh, a magazine full
of naked men?
It is deeply,
inescapably just silly.
- Will you look
in your Easter basket already?
Yes.
Yeah.
Open it up.
I bookmarked the page.
- "At last,
a male nude centerfold."
- It's television star
Burt Reynolds.
- People like this?
- Joycie, it's a sensation.
♪ ♪
- ♪ Been 40 days
since I don't know when ♪
♪ I just saw her
with my best friend ♪
♪ Do you know what I mean? ♪
♪ Do you know,
know what I mean? ♪
- I am never gonna be able
to look at him the same.
Joyce, come look at this.
- It's just a body.
- What you looking at, gals?
- You should do this
for your girlfriend, Cory.
Get her good and hot.
- That's inappropriate
for the workplace.
- Would you welcome
Burt Reynolds.
- Hey, hey!
Hi, John.
- Hello, Burt.
I didn't recognize you
standing up.
- ♪ Ooh!
Help me ♪
♪ ♪
- "Cat-Tastic."
- Your street is lovely.
It's not where I pictured you.
- Yeah, I always wanted
to live in a place like this
when I was a kid, so now I do.
- I, uh, assume
you've seen "Cosmo"?
- The whole country's
seen "Cosmo."
- It was a cheat.
He was barely even naked,
and women went crazy for it,
just like you said they would.
- Yep.
- And it made me think
that maybe we should give
this magazine another shot.
I know that male erotica
is in the zeitgeist now,
but we're still ahead
of the curve.
We could be on the newsstands
before anyone else.
- Yeah.
You know, Joyce,
here's the thing.
I go to any one
of my magazines,
and, well, people are dying
to hear what I have to say,
but you act like I'm
some sort of a fucking clown
until some fancy
Manhattan editor
throws old Burt Reynolds
on a bearskin rug,
and then I get
your stamp of approval, huh?
- This magazine has been
a part of me for a long time,
and I didn't realize
how hard it was gonna be
to let it go out into the world
and become this living,
breathing thing.
I thought you were a tacky
salesman with a cheap gimmick.
And you kind of are,
but you do know something
that I'm just figuring out.
That a magazine has--it's got
to make you feel something,
and seeing a naked guy
does that to women,
whether they are curious
or turned on
or just want to laugh at him,
it's the ability to look
makes a woman feel powerful.
That's what our magazine
is all about.
Or, you know, it could be if...
you give me one more chance.
- I don't know, Joyce.
I'll have to, uh--
I'll have to think about it.
- All right, well, don't fart
up your ass for too long, Doug.
I have a killer idea
for a centerfold.
- Oh, yes.
That's hot stuff right there.
- Okay, ladies, I'm bored.
Give me more.
Be dirty.
- Look over here, baby!
- Hey!
Show us your dick!
- Jeez.
Being a woman's intense.
- Yeah!
- Give it to us.
- Not bad, Joyce.
- You know, I got to hand it
to you with this centerfold.
You pulled a rabbit
out of a hat.
- Thank you.
- You've come a long way fast.
- Well,
"Life shrinks or expands
in proportion to one's courage.
Life is--"
- "Is a process of becoming."
- You read the books?
- You asked me to, so what?
I liked 'em.
She's got a way with words,
that Anais Nin.
- It's pronounced "Anays Neen."
- Are you kidding me right now?
- I don't know why I do it.
- Okay.
All right, Joyce, big question.
- Yeah.
- What are we gonna do
about a title?
- What, of the magazine?
Nothing.
What's wrong with
"The Matriarchy Awakens"?
- It's poon poison.
- Gross.
- Chicks hear it,
they dry right up.
What we need
is a wet pussy title.
- A wet pussy title?
♪ ♪
- ♪ A goddess
on a mountain top ♪
♪ Was burning
like a silver flame ♪
♪ The summit
of beauty and love ♪
♪ And Venus was her name ♪
♪ She's got it ♪
♪ Yeah, baby, she's got it ♪
♪ Well, I'm your Venus,
I'm your fire ♪
♪ At your desire ♪
♪ Well, I'm your Venus,
I'm your fire ♪
♪ At your desire ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Her weapons were
her crystal eyes ♪
♪ Making every man mad ♪
♪ Black as the dark night
she was ♪
♪ Got what no one else had,
wow ♪
♪ She's got it ♪
♪ Yeah, baby, she's got it ♪
♪ Well, I'm your Venus,
I'm your fire ♪
♪ At your desire ♪
♪ Well, I'm your Venus,
I'm your fire ♪
♪ At your desire ♪