Minor Adjustments (1995–1996): Season 1, Episode 9 - Ask Dr. Ron - full transcript
So, P.D., you've come a long way since our first session.
Now, let's try this one more time.
You be you and I'll be the pretty girl.
[clears throat]
[stammers]
Excuse me.
[squeaking] Yes.
Can you tell me if this bus goes to Grand Street.
[squeaking] Talk to the palm, honey. Don't waste my time.
That's not very nice.
I asked you a simple question.
This is a January, February conversation
so, why don't you march your way on out.
Hey, don't make me angry.
You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
Uh, that's a little too rough.
I'm-I'm sorry, Dr. Aimes.
I just felt so strong.
You've given me real confidence.
I feel like I can handle anything.
Great. That's a good feeling to end on.
That's good.
Goodbye, Darby.
You've been really nice.
Your fly is open.
[scatting]
[theme music]
[telephone ringing]
[scoffs]
Mother Cookaroo.
No, this is the Mother Cookaroo.
It's not a dominatrix hot line.
Where?
Sir, I-I really don't care if you've been a bad boy.
I'm not gonna spank you.
[scoffs] That's just disgusting.
Listen to me, you little pervert.
If you ever call here again, I will track you down
and I'll beat you senseless.
Ugh!
[telephone ringing]
Mother Cookaroo.
How would I beat you senseless?
No, no, you know what?
I-I wouldn't beat you senseless
because I think you are a worthwhile human being.
You deserve love.
And affection and kindness and..
Hello? Buh-bye.
I'm telling you, you've made such a difference with Joseph.
My wife and I, we can't thank you enough.
Ah, don't mention it.
Hey, I caught your new kids show the other day.
Oh, yeah. "Mukiya Ki Super Power Team."
Didn't cost me a nickel to produce.
Cheap sets. No plot. Constant karate.
It's a piece of crap.
No. It's a stinking piece of crap.
Anyway, wanna balance it out with something a little less..
...hm, crappy.
That's where you come in.
We wanna do a team talk show
and we think you would make the perfect host.
- Really me? - Oh, absolutely.
You're so great with my kid.
Yeah, I did get him to stop spitting on his math teacher.
Yeah, he appreciates that, yeah. Oh, I gotta go.
I'm having lunch with Mukiya Ki.
Now he wants a dressing room.
Suddenly, he's too good to change in a gas station.
Hell, when I found him, he was living in a gas station.
So, we think you'd make the perfect host
for this TV talk show.
Will you think about it at least?
- Okay. - Great. I'll be in touch.
Thanks.
Did I hear that guy correctly?
Did he just offer us a television show?
Bruce, he offered me a television show.
Yeah, yeah, but I'm the perfect side kick.
Listen to this laugh.
[in high pitch] Well, sure.
- Excuse me. - What?
TV sucks.
Well, hello, sunshine.
Wouldn't even have a TV if it weren't to watch
the sexiest man in the world.
George Clooney?
Ted Koppel.
You know, you came up with that
George Clooney line pretty quick, Bruce.
Ted Koppel. Ugh.
He looks like the illegitimate son of "Howdy Doody."
I know, isn't he hot?
Mail call. Ron, here is yours.
"Martha Stewart Living." That would be Francine.
And dirty magazine, Uncle Bruce.
Darby, throw this out.
Ron, you don't read your alumni news letter?
Don't you wanna know what your old classmates are doing?
Absolutely not.
It says here that some guy in your class just got Knighted.
Big deal!
And this other guy is gonna be the commander
of the next space shuttle mission.
- So what? - 'And, uh..'
What does it say under Ron's name?
Deceased.
[scatting]
(Mukiya Ki on TV) 'And now, my worthy opponent'
'it is time for Mukiya Ki to finish you!'
Rip his heart out, Mukiya Ki!
Yeah, show it to him!
[groaning on TV]
[both scream]
Wow. I love this show.
Do you think it's real?
Of course, it is.
You can't fake pullin' big foot..
(Mukiya Ki on TV) 'Now, remember, kids'
'if you want to keep Mukiya Ki alive long enough'
'to do tomorrow's show'
'what do you have to do?'
(both) Call Mukiya Ki's 900 number!
(Mukiya Ki on TV) 'Right!'
'At only four dollars a minute.'
'And every minute you stay on, the longer Mukiya Ki lives.'
- I get to call first. - No, I get to call.
Then I get to call again.
Come on, Ron. Don't worry what your old classmates are doing.
Just once I'd like to have something impressive
in that news letter.
Oh, no!
You're not seriously considering that stupid TV offer?
Rachel, think about all the people I can help.
One man can make a difference.
Who are you? Spider Man?
Come on, Ron. You're a successful psychologist.
You've helped a lot of kids. You don't have to do this.
But I can even help more kids.
Which is it? The cover of the news letter or helping kids?
Why can't it be both?
Because you'll be on a station
whose biggest star is "Mukiya Ki."
- They have other shows. - Yeah.
The highest rated show
is America's Funniest Chainsaw Accidents.
Come on, Ron. Who's gonna take you seriously?
Now, you've worked hard to establish a reputation.
I don't want you to compromise that.
Television has a way of making people sell out.
I'll be careful.
I-I want to do this and I want your blessing.
Damn it, Ron, just do whatever you wanna do.
Good enough. I'm gonna call and take the job.
(Mukiya Ki on phone) 'If you want to hear Mukiya Ki singing'
'A hundred bottles of beer on the wall, press one.'
Emma, Trevor, hang up this phone.
(Mukiya Ki) 'If you want to hear Mukiya Ki read the dictionary'
'press two.'
Now!
(Mukiya Ki) 'You have picked a dictionary.'
[instrumental music]
Okay, just leave it over there. That's it.
Now just, just put it down a little.
That's great.
[thinking] And thank you both for bending over
and showing me 85 percent of your asses.
You're hairy beasts.
What were those guys doing in there?
Weighing themselves on the baby scale.
Eating donuts, trying to see
who could gain the most weight in 15 minutes.
Ron, this is ridiculous.
We're doctors. We're not show people.
Look, if I wanted to be in show business
I would've have become a plastic surgeon.
Francine, relax. Just one day a week.
So, you ready to do this?
Yeah, today is just a rehearsal.
Tomorrow is the actual show.
Ah. The show. TV. Television.
Télévision.
The telly. The box.
Five hundred twenty-five lands of resolution. The boob tube.
Did you want something?
No. Though maybe just one little thing.
Now, look. I know you didn't warm to the idea
of me being your side kick.
But I was lying in bed last night thinking--
Let me guess. "Have I over inflated my girlfriend again?"
I was thinking, what are the two things kids love?
Rap music..
Dentistry.. Now stay with me.
If..
Fine, I'll stay with myself.
(Darby) 'That's what you did last night.'
(Dave) Hi, Ron.
Okay, guys, uh, as you all know
this is your host Dr. Ron Aimes.
This is Henry.
- What's up? - Hey.
That's Rocky.
Yo, Adrian!
That's original.
And this is Joanna and Adam.
- Pleasure to meet you. - Hi.
Well, look at how these lights and cameras.
And you're all so nice.
This is just gonna be so much fun, isn't it, everybody?
Thank you, Kathie Lee.
How's Cody?
Now, I want you all to feel comfortable.
This should be fun. Don't be afraid to speak up.
But it should also be helpful.
Why don't we just do a practice session?
Oh, you're right. Uh, let's get started.
Why don't you tell me something about yourselves.
Well, I'm just like everybody else.
I like rap music and dentistry.
Bruce!
♪ MC.. ♪
♪ No pain in the membrane ♪♪
I just feel like I don't fit in.
Well, it sounds like to me, Henry
that you have an identity problem.
You feel trapped between two cultures.
No, doc, I never thought of it that way.
Sounds to me the only problem the brother has
is that his daddy's rich.
Rocky, I think we should let the doctor make the diagnosis.
Because he is the doctor and you're just a little boy
who smells like Vicks Vaporub.
Uh, thank you, Joanna.
Well, that's all the time that we have.
I'd like to thank our panel and you at home for watching.
See you later.
Great rehearsal, kids. You guys wanna snack?
- Sure. - Hard candy. Here you go.
That was great.
Yeah, I really feel like I was reaching the kids.
Well, they're gonna lag in the middle
but, uh, like I said, it was really fine.
- You said great. - Then great it is.
I got a couple of ideas
to raise the level of energy in the middle
but...nothing you can't handle.
I want you to go home, get a good night sleep
'cause tomorrow, you are going live all over Philadelphia.
I'm ready.
Dave, there is a Mr. Mukiya Ki
on the phone for you.
He says that there is some trucker
throwing up in his dressing room.
I mean, I think he said trucker. He was pretty angry.
[instrumental music]
Okay, Ron, you set?
Yeah, I didn't realize you were gonna
add so much stuff to the office.
Yeah, we made a few adjustments. Nothing big.
Now, the kids are outside, all set for their intros.
- So, let's do it. - Alright.
Now, Ron. Just a few pointers.
I want you to be nosy, like Ricky like
but not so in your face like Harold O' Springer on Monto.
Use your talky viper charm, and whatever you do
do not be like Gabrielle, Carny or Donny.
They bit it.
I can't remember all that.
Okay, well, then try not to scratch yourself.
Let's see. You've gotta patter the top of his head.
It's a beacon.
Okay, let's look sharp, people.
Here we go. We are live in five, four, three, two..
Uh, hi, I'm Dr. Ron..
♪ Real Talk it's Real Talk ♪♪
Um, hi, I'm Dr. Ron Aimes and this is "Real Talk."
Uh, a show about real kids
that talk about their real problems
with a real psychologist.
I'd like to introduce our team panel.
From Fieldston High, we have Henry.
H-2 in the house! Ha-ha
H-2 in the house.
H-2 gonna rock..
Um, our second panelist from Moreno High, Joanna.
Welcome to our show, Joanna.
Thanks. I'm so excited to be here.
So very, very excited.
Hi, Philadelphia!
Um.. Ahem! Uh, from Lynbrook High, Rocky.
Uh, it's nice to have you here, Rocky.
Whatever.
Okay.
Our final little panelist is
from the School For The Gifted.
Adam?
[electric guitar music]
White power! White power! The revolution is coming!
Hey, yo. What's up with that, Casper?
You got a problem, OJ?
Damn straight. You want a piece of that? Tell me.
Guys, guys, guys, stop, stop, stop.
We'll be back after this commercial message.
(Dave) 'And we are in commercial.'
- What the hell? - Well..
I don't think this show is gonna jag in the middle.
That was great, you guys.
Thanks, but I think it was Henry who was great.
Nah, you were great. You nailed that "white power" stuff.
Thanks. I've been working on it for a while.
I did it in my improv class.
I think we got a great big hit
on our hands, huh, Ronnie, babe, huh?
[instrumental music]
Yes, grandma. That was Ron on the television.
No. He didn't meet Bill Cosby.
No. Bill Cosby doesn't have anything to do with Ron's show.
Ron...my husband.
No. He can't get you a date with Jed Clampett.
I-I gotta go, grandma. Bye.
No, no. You're grandma.
No, you are.
[sighs] Okay, bye.
Ron, everyone's been calling. They loved the show.
I thought it was a zoo.
The whole show was a fake.
You know the skin head Adam?
He's got a master's degree from Julliard.
And he is starring in the next Ernest movie.
"Ernest eats a pizza."
Aw! Do you need some love?
- You need a hug? - Yes, I do.
Then you should've married Barnie.
I-I told you. You didn't have to do the show.
I know.
[grunts] Oh, I just hope nobody saw the show.
Dad! What a show!
All my friends loved it.
Trevor, your father's not happy about the way the show went.
Why? I thought he did great
when he stopped between the two scary guys.
- You did? - Yeah.
And my friend and I came up with some new ideas for guests.
Like I heard about the Siamese twins.
They hate each other.
But it might be kind of hard to step between them.
I'm not gonna be doing this show anymore.
What? Come on! You have to.
I finally had a reason to bring you to career day at school.
Well, Trevor, what's wrong with telling your classmates
your father is a psychologist?
Mom, we're talking about fourth graders here.
All they want are firemen, superheroes
and roller coaster operators.
[doorbell rings]
Hi, Rachel!
Is Philadelphia's brightest new star here?
Honey, you have company.
Hey, Ron. Where did you run off to?
You missed the after show snack.
I didn't really feel like hanging around.
That's okay. The makeup lady ate your cookie.
- You lied to me. - Okay, I ate your cookie.
This show was supposed to be about helping people.
You turned it into a circus side show.
Look, the rehearsal show was fine
but we had to grab people's attention.
We had to shock 'em a little.
Shock 'em? Well, what's next?
You find a dead homeless guy and do an autopsy on air?
Been there. Done that. "Mukiya Ki Christmas Special."
This is not the show I signed on for.
Okay, maybe I went a little too far.
Look at these faxes.
- They're all about me? - Yeah, look at 'em.
They love you, man.
And you were able to help people
because the show got their attention.
That's what I wanted.
Ron, he's the devil.
Think about it.
You can help people all over the world.
You think so?
♪ Real Talk it's Real Talk ♪♪
Thanks again to Prince Charles and Lady Di.
Wasn't that great, folks?
To be nearly half the show
but I finally got those blue bloods
back together again.
Now, tune in tomorrow
when I'll be reuniting North and South Korea.
And Thursday, I'll be reuniting
The Beatles with their newest member, me!
[audience applauding]
You like that, huh?
Now, before I wrap things up, let me introduce
some prominent friends of mine from graduate school.
Put your hands together for Sir Marvin Adele Bush
and Commander Frank Fatah.
[audience booing]
Hey, hey, hey, come on, guys.
What? You just want me instead?
[audience cheering]
Guys, they just want me.
Get outta here.
You make me sick.
I'm just gonna stand here. Do you like that?
[audience cheering]
How about I stand over here?
- Ron? Ron? - Huh?
What do you say? You gonna do the show?
Maybe it's worth giving 'em another shot.
If the people want Dr. Ron Aimes
I'll give the people what they want.
♪ Real Talk it's Real Talk ♪
You don't need to do this, Adam.
I'm sick of it, man. Sick of you.
Sick of everybody! Bringing me down!
I know how you feel.
You feel alienated.
So, you grab on to something
that you think will give you an identity.
I'm so confused, Dr. Aimes.
Yeah, but what you grabbed on to was wrong and you know it.
I'm sorry.
I don't wanna hate.
I wanna love!
Now, if I can quit stripping..
And I can quit drugs..
And I can learn to live with whitey..
Then you can learn to get up off that hate, man.
Time to put your knife down.
Now, forever.
[sobbing]
That's alright, man. Let it out.
Time to take a break.
Let's kick it out with a slow jam.
[instrumental music]
And we are clear.
Great job. The faxes keep pouring in.
You are the people's choice.
Ah, just giving the people what they want.
That's the spirit. We're back in two minutes, people.
Excuse me, Mr. Champlain.
Have you given any thought to my dental segment ideas?
Ah, yes, I have.
- And? - They suck.
So, what did you think?
Still think it's trash, but you seem to be able to live with it.
So, if that's what you want, fine.
Dad, I was down the block at Duncan's house
and I saw that crazy guy pullin' knife.
Are you okay?
I'm fine, Trevor. I was never in any danger.
Hey, little guy.
Safety first.
By the way, I got you those passes for the Ernest premier.
What was that?
Like I said, I wasn't in any danger
because I knew he was gonna drop the knife.
We planned it that way.
You mean...this whole thing is a fake?
Yeah, so you don't have to worry about me.
But dad, everyone thinks it's real.
Well, the advice is real.
(Dave) 'Ron, we're back in 15 seconds.'
Uh, Trevor, your father seems to think
that this is the best way to reach people.
(Dave) 'Ron, ten seconds.'
Um, Trevor, I gotta do this.
Don't forget your lines.
♪ Real Talk it's Real Talk ♪♪
Welcome back to Real Talk
where real kids talk about their real problems
with a real psychologist.
And..
This is real crap.
I gotta tell you, people. This isn't anything but real.
Th-these kids aren't drug addicts or...or strippers.
Or gang members or skin heads.
They were coached to get ratings.
And I apologize. I, I should've never gone along with it.
So, now what do we do?
Well, why don't we talk about what's bothering us.
Joanne, what's on your mind?
And we'll be right back after these important messages.
Yeah!
What the hell do you think you're doing?
I tried to do it your way but I can't do it that way.
Look, this is my show and I call the shots.
You either stay here and do it my way
or I'll find somebody else who will.
I'm out.
Hey, hey, come on. I was just kidding.
We're just a little..
Hi, and welcome back to "Real Talk."
During the station break, the skinhead killed Dr. Aimes.
Tell me, how does it feel to kill a guy?
[instrumental music]
Are you going to be okay, Ron?
Yeah, I never should've agreed
to do the show in the first place.
I know. I know. You told me so.
Mm-hm. I told you when you were practicing your autograph.
I told you when you had those Dr. Aimes T-shirt printed out.
And I told you when you were practicing your
"Put it on cheer, we'll be right back."
Dr. Aimes, can we talk to you for a second?
- Sure. - I'll see you at home.
Well, um, we've discussed it and we just wanted you to know
that we're sorry as you are for what happened.
Nah, it's okay.
And if it's any consolation, Dr. Aimes
I dig you a lot at the rehearsal show.
Yeah, I'm sorry the show didn't end up more like that.
You know, I did clear the space in my calendar for the show
and now that it's over, maybe you wanna
keep coming in and talk.
No cameras, no music.
You mean like group therapy?
No, no, like a slumber party
where we put our hair in rollers and talk about boys.
Um, so, what do you say, guys?
Are we on for next week?
- Sure. - I'm in.
What about you, Rocky?
I don't need a shrink.
Happy with the way I am.
You don't impress me.
You don't even know me.
I don't know you, huh?
Well, let me ask you this question.
When you shower after gym class, do you wear your underwear?
See you on Wednesday.
[scatting]
Okay, it's on.
♪ Real Talk it's Real Talk ♪♪
Well, it's time to see who they replaced me with.
(Mukiya Ki on TV) 'Welcome to Mukiya Ki's Real Talk.'
'We're gonna talk about the real problem'
'with the real samurai superhero.'
'So, listen, man.'
'You say you feel awkward in public.'
[speaks in foreign language]
[laughs]
He's good.
[scatting]
[theme music]
[scatting]
Now, let's try this one more time.
You be you and I'll be the pretty girl.
[clears throat]
[stammers]
Excuse me.
[squeaking] Yes.
Can you tell me if this bus goes to Grand Street.
[squeaking] Talk to the palm, honey. Don't waste my time.
That's not very nice.
I asked you a simple question.
This is a January, February conversation
so, why don't you march your way on out.
Hey, don't make me angry.
You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
Uh, that's a little too rough.
I'm-I'm sorry, Dr. Aimes.
I just felt so strong.
You've given me real confidence.
I feel like I can handle anything.
Great. That's a good feeling to end on.
That's good.
Goodbye, Darby.
You've been really nice.
Your fly is open.
[scatting]
[theme music]
[telephone ringing]
[scoffs]
Mother Cookaroo.
No, this is the Mother Cookaroo.
It's not a dominatrix hot line.
Where?
Sir, I-I really don't care if you've been a bad boy.
I'm not gonna spank you.
[scoffs] That's just disgusting.
Listen to me, you little pervert.
If you ever call here again, I will track you down
and I'll beat you senseless.
Ugh!
[telephone ringing]
Mother Cookaroo.
How would I beat you senseless?
No, no, you know what?
I-I wouldn't beat you senseless
because I think you are a worthwhile human being.
You deserve love.
And affection and kindness and..
Hello? Buh-bye.
I'm telling you, you've made such a difference with Joseph.
My wife and I, we can't thank you enough.
Ah, don't mention it.
Hey, I caught your new kids show the other day.
Oh, yeah. "Mukiya Ki Super Power Team."
Didn't cost me a nickel to produce.
Cheap sets. No plot. Constant karate.
It's a piece of crap.
No. It's a stinking piece of crap.
Anyway, wanna balance it out with something a little less..
...hm, crappy.
That's where you come in.
We wanna do a team talk show
and we think you would make the perfect host.
- Really me? - Oh, absolutely.
You're so great with my kid.
Yeah, I did get him to stop spitting on his math teacher.
Yeah, he appreciates that, yeah. Oh, I gotta go.
I'm having lunch with Mukiya Ki.
Now he wants a dressing room.
Suddenly, he's too good to change in a gas station.
Hell, when I found him, he was living in a gas station.
So, we think you'd make the perfect host
for this TV talk show.
Will you think about it at least?
- Okay. - Great. I'll be in touch.
Thanks.
Did I hear that guy correctly?
Did he just offer us a television show?
Bruce, he offered me a television show.
Yeah, yeah, but I'm the perfect side kick.
Listen to this laugh.
[in high pitch] Well, sure.
- Excuse me. - What?
TV sucks.
Well, hello, sunshine.
Wouldn't even have a TV if it weren't to watch
the sexiest man in the world.
George Clooney?
Ted Koppel.
You know, you came up with that
George Clooney line pretty quick, Bruce.
Ted Koppel. Ugh.
He looks like the illegitimate son of "Howdy Doody."
I know, isn't he hot?
Mail call. Ron, here is yours.
"Martha Stewart Living." That would be Francine.
And dirty magazine, Uncle Bruce.
Darby, throw this out.
Ron, you don't read your alumni news letter?
Don't you wanna know what your old classmates are doing?
Absolutely not.
It says here that some guy in your class just got Knighted.
Big deal!
And this other guy is gonna be the commander
of the next space shuttle mission.
- So what? - 'And, uh..'
What does it say under Ron's name?
Deceased.
[scatting]
(Mukiya Ki on TV) 'And now, my worthy opponent'
'it is time for Mukiya Ki to finish you!'
Rip his heart out, Mukiya Ki!
Yeah, show it to him!
[groaning on TV]
[both scream]
Wow. I love this show.
Do you think it's real?
Of course, it is.
You can't fake pullin' big foot..
(Mukiya Ki on TV) 'Now, remember, kids'
'if you want to keep Mukiya Ki alive long enough'
'to do tomorrow's show'
'what do you have to do?'
(both) Call Mukiya Ki's 900 number!
(Mukiya Ki on TV) 'Right!'
'At only four dollars a minute.'
'And every minute you stay on, the longer Mukiya Ki lives.'
- I get to call first. - No, I get to call.
Then I get to call again.
Come on, Ron. Don't worry what your old classmates are doing.
Just once I'd like to have something impressive
in that news letter.
Oh, no!
You're not seriously considering that stupid TV offer?
Rachel, think about all the people I can help.
One man can make a difference.
Who are you? Spider Man?
Come on, Ron. You're a successful psychologist.
You've helped a lot of kids. You don't have to do this.
But I can even help more kids.
Which is it? The cover of the news letter or helping kids?
Why can't it be both?
Because you'll be on a station
whose biggest star is "Mukiya Ki."
- They have other shows. - Yeah.
The highest rated show
is America's Funniest Chainsaw Accidents.
Come on, Ron. Who's gonna take you seriously?
Now, you've worked hard to establish a reputation.
I don't want you to compromise that.
Television has a way of making people sell out.
I'll be careful.
I-I want to do this and I want your blessing.
Damn it, Ron, just do whatever you wanna do.
Good enough. I'm gonna call and take the job.
(Mukiya Ki on phone) 'If you want to hear Mukiya Ki singing'
'A hundred bottles of beer on the wall, press one.'
Emma, Trevor, hang up this phone.
(Mukiya Ki) 'If you want to hear Mukiya Ki read the dictionary'
'press two.'
Now!
(Mukiya Ki) 'You have picked a dictionary.'
[instrumental music]
Okay, just leave it over there. That's it.
Now just, just put it down a little.
That's great.
[thinking] And thank you both for bending over
and showing me 85 percent of your asses.
You're hairy beasts.
What were those guys doing in there?
Weighing themselves on the baby scale.
Eating donuts, trying to see
who could gain the most weight in 15 minutes.
Ron, this is ridiculous.
We're doctors. We're not show people.
Look, if I wanted to be in show business
I would've have become a plastic surgeon.
Francine, relax. Just one day a week.
So, you ready to do this?
Yeah, today is just a rehearsal.
Tomorrow is the actual show.
Ah. The show. TV. Television.
Télévision.
The telly. The box.
Five hundred twenty-five lands of resolution. The boob tube.
Did you want something?
No. Though maybe just one little thing.
Now, look. I know you didn't warm to the idea
of me being your side kick.
But I was lying in bed last night thinking--
Let me guess. "Have I over inflated my girlfriend again?"
I was thinking, what are the two things kids love?
Rap music..
Dentistry.. Now stay with me.
If..
Fine, I'll stay with myself.
(Darby) 'That's what you did last night.'
(Dave) Hi, Ron.
Okay, guys, uh, as you all know
this is your host Dr. Ron Aimes.
This is Henry.
- What's up? - Hey.
That's Rocky.
Yo, Adrian!
That's original.
And this is Joanna and Adam.
- Pleasure to meet you. - Hi.
Well, look at how these lights and cameras.
And you're all so nice.
This is just gonna be so much fun, isn't it, everybody?
Thank you, Kathie Lee.
How's Cody?
Now, I want you all to feel comfortable.
This should be fun. Don't be afraid to speak up.
But it should also be helpful.
Why don't we just do a practice session?
Oh, you're right. Uh, let's get started.
Why don't you tell me something about yourselves.
Well, I'm just like everybody else.
I like rap music and dentistry.
Bruce!
♪ MC.. ♪
♪ No pain in the membrane ♪♪
I just feel like I don't fit in.
Well, it sounds like to me, Henry
that you have an identity problem.
You feel trapped between two cultures.
No, doc, I never thought of it that way.
Sounds to me the only problem the brother has
is that his daddy's rich.
Rocky, I think we should let the doctor make the diagnosis.
Because he is the doctor and you're just a little boy
who smells like Vicks Vaporub.
Uh, thank you, Joanna.
Well, that's all the time that we have.
I'd like to thank our panel and you at home for watching.
See you later.
Great rehearsal, kids. You guys wanna snack?
- Sure. - Hard candy. Here you go.
That was great.
Yeah, I really feel like I was reaching the kids.
Well, they're gonna lag in the middle
but, uh, like I said, it was really fine.
- You said great. - Then great it is.
I got a couple of ideas
to raise the level of energy in the middle
but...nothing you can't handle.
I want you to go home, get a good night sleep
'cause tomorrow, you are going live all over Philadelphia.
I'm ready.
Dave, there is a Mr. Mukiya Ki
on the phone for you.
He says that there is some trucker
throwing up in his dressing room.
I mean, I think he said trucker. He was pretty angry.
[instrumental music]
Okay, Ron, you set?
Yeah, I didn't realize you were gonna
add so much stuff to the office.
Yeah, we made a few adjustments. Nothing big.
Now, the kids are outside, all set for their intros.
- So, let's do it. - Alright.
Now, Ron. Just a few pointers.
I want you to be nosy, like Ricky like
but not so in your face like Harold O' Springer on Monto.
Use your talky viper charm, and whatever you do
do not be like Gabrielle, Carny or Donny.
They bit it.
I can't remember all that.
Okay, well, then try not to scratch yourself.
Let's see. You've gotta patter the top of his head.
It's a beacon.
Okay, let's look sharp, people.
Here we go. We are live in five, four, three, two..
Uh, hi, I'm Dr. Ron..
♪ Real Talk it's Real Talk ♪♪
Um, hi, I'm Dr. Ron Aimes and this is "Real Talk."
Uh, a show about real kids
that talk about their real problems
with a real psychologist.
I'd like to introduce our team panel.
From Fieldston High, we have Henry.
H-2 in the house! Ha-ha
H-2 in the house.
H-2 gonna rock..
Um, our second panelist from Moreno High, Joanna.
Welcome to our show, Joanna.
Thanks. I'm so excited to be here.
So very, very excited.
Hi, Philadelphia!
Um.. Ahem! Uh, from Lynbrook High, Rocky.
Uh, it's nice to have you here, Rocky.
Whatever.
Okay.
Our final little panelist is
from the School For The Gifted.
Adam?
[electric guitar music]
White power! White power! The revolution is coming!
Hey, yo. What's up with that, Casper?
You got a problem, OJ?
Damn straight. You want a piece of that? Tell me.
Guys, guys, guys, stop, stop, stop.
We'll be back after this commercial message.
(Dave) 'And we are in commercial.'
- What the hell? - Well..
I don't think this show is gonna jag in the middle.
That was great, you guys.
Thanks, but I think it was Henry who was great.
Nah, you were great. You nailed that "white power" stuff.
Thanks. I've been working on it for a while.
I did it in my improv class.
I think we got a great big hit
on our hands, huh, Ronnie, babe, huh?
[instrumental music]
Yes, grandma. That was Ron on the television.
No. He didn't meet Bill Cosby.
No. Bill Cosby doesn't have anything to do with Ron's show.
Ron...my husband.
No. He can't get you a date with Jed Clampett.
I-I gotta go, grandma. Bye.
No, no. You're grandma.
No, you are.
[sighs] Okay, bye.
Ron, everyone's been calling. They loved the show.
I thought it was a zoo.
The whole show was a fake.
You know the skin head Adam?
He's got a master's degree from Julliard.
And he is starring in the next Ernest movie.
"Ernest eats a pizza."
Aw! Do you need some love?
- You need a hug? - Yes, I do.
Then you should've married Barnie.
I-I told you. You didn't have to do the show.
I know.
[grunts] Oh, I just hope nobody saw the show.
Dad! What a show!
All my friends loved it.
Trevor, your father's not happy about the way the show went.
Why? I thought he did great
when he stopped between the two scary guys.
- You did? - Yeah.
And my friend and I came up with some new ideas for guests.
Like I heard about the Siamese twins.
They hate each other.
But it might be kind of hard to step between them.
I'm not gonna be doing this show anymore.
What? Come on! You have to.
I finally had a reason to bring you to career day at school.
Well, Trevor, what's wrong with telling your classmates
your father is a psychologist?
Mom, we're talking about fourth graders here.
All they want are firemen, superheroes
and roller coaster operators.
[doorbell rings]
Hi, Rachel!
Is Philadelphia's brightest new star here?
Honey, you have company.
Hey, Ron. Where did you run off to?
You missed the after show snack.
I didn't really feel like hanging around.
That's okay. The makeup lady ate your cookie.
- You lied to me. - Okay, I ate your cookie.
This show was supposed to be about helping people.
You turned it into a circus side show.
Look, the rehearsal show was fine
but we had to grab people's attention.
We had to shock 'em a little.
Shock 'em? Well, what's next?
You find a dead homeless guy and do an autopsy on air?
Been there. Done that. "Mukiya Ki Christmas Special."
This is not the show I signed on for.
Okay, maybe I went a little too far.
Look at these faxes.
- They're all about me? - Yeah, look at 'em.
They love you, man.
And you were able to help people
because the show got their attention.
That's what I wanted.
Ron, he's the devil.
Think about it.
You can help people all over the world.
You think so?
♪ Real Talk it's Real Talk ♪♪
Thanks again to Prince Charles and Lady Di.
Wasn't that great, folks?
To be nearly half the show
but I finally got those blue bloods
back together again.
Now, tune in tomorrow
when I'll be reuniting North and South Korea.
And Thursday, I'll be reuniting
The Beatles with their newest member, me!
[audience applauding]
You like that, huh?
Now, before I wrap things up, let me introduce
some prominent friends of mine from graduate school.
Put your hands together for Sir Marvin Adele Bush
and Commander Frank Fatah.
[audience booing]
Hey, hey, hey, come on, guys.
What? You just want me instead?
[audience cheering]
Guys, they just want me.
Get outta here.
You make me sick.
I'm just gonna stand here. Do you like that?
[audience cheering]
How about I stand over here?
- Ron? Ron? - Huh?
What do you say? You gonna do the show?
Maybe it's worth giving 'em another shot.
If the people want Dr. Ron Aimes
I'll give the people what they want.
♪ Real Talk it's Real Talk ♪
You don't need to do this, Adam.
I'm sick of it, man. Sick of you.
Sick of everybody! Bringing me down!
I know how you feel.
You feel alienated.
So, you grab on to something
that you think will give you an identity.
I'm so confused, Dr. Aimes.
Yeah, but what you grabbed on to was wrong and you know it.
I'm sorry.
I don't wanna hate.
I wanna love!
Now, if I can quit stripping..
And I can quit drugs..
And I can learn to live with whitey..
Then you can learn to get up off that hate, man.
Time to put your knife down.
Now, forever.
[sobbing]
That's alright, man. Let it out.
Time to take a break.
Let's kick it out with a slow jam.
[instrumental music]
And we are clear.
Great job. The faxes keep pouring in.
You are the people's choice.
Ah, just giving the people what they want.
That's the spirit. We're back in two minutes, people.
Excuse me, Mr. Champlain.
Have you given any thought to my dental segment ideas?
Ah, yes, I have.
- And? - They suck.
So, what did you think?
Still think it's trash, but you seem to be able to live with it.
So, if that's what you want, fine.
Dad, I was down the block at Duncan's house
and I saw that crazy guy pullin' knife.
Are you okay?
I'm fine, Trevor. I was never in any danger.
Hey, little guy.
Safety first.
By the way, I got you those passes for the Ernest premier.
What was that?
Like I said, I wasn't in any danger
because I knew he was gonna drop the knife.
We planned it that way.
You mean...this whole thing is a fake?
Yeah, so you don't have to worry about me.
But dad, everyone thinks it's real.
Well, the advice is real.
(Dave) 'Ron, we're back in 15 seconds.'
Uh, Trevor, your father seems to think
that this is the best way to reach people.
(Dave) 'Ron, ten seconds.'
Um, Trevor, I gotta do this.
Don't forget your lines.
♪ Real Talk it's Real Talk ♪♪
Welcome back to Real Talk
where real kids talk about their real problems
with a real psychologist.
And..
This is real crap.
I gotta tell you, people. This isn't anything but real.
Th-these kids aren't drug addicts or...or strippers.
Or gang members or skin heads.
They were coached to get ratings.
And I apologize. I, I should've never gone along with it.
So, now what do we do?
Well, why don't we talk about what's bothering us.
Joanne, what's on your mind?
And we'll be right back after these important messages.
Yeah!
What the hell do you think you're doing?
I tried to do it your way but I can't do it that way.
Look, this is my show and I call the shots.
You either stay here and do it my way
or I'll find somebody else who will.
I'm out.
Hey, hey, come on. I was just kidding.
We're just a little..
Hi, and welcome back to "Real Talk."
During the station break, the skinhead killed Dr. Aimes.
Tell me, how does it feel to kill a guy?
[instrumental music]
Are you going to be okay, Ron?
Yeah, I never should've agreed
to do the show in the first place.
I know. I know. You told me so.
Mm-hm. I told you when you were practicing your autograph.
I told you when you had those Dr. Aimes T-shirt printed out.
And I told you when you were practicing your
"Put it on cheer, we'll be right back."
Dr. Aimes, can we talk to you for a second?
- Sure. - I'll see you at home.
Well, um, we've discussed it and we just wanted you to know
that we're sorry as you are for what happened.
Nah, it's okay.
And if it's any consolation, Dr. Aimes
I dig you a lot at the rehearsal show.
Yeah, I'm sorry the show didn't end up more like that.
You know, I did clear the space in my calendar for the show
and now that it's over, maybe you wanna
keep coming in and talk.
No cameras, no music.
You mean like group therapy?
No, no, like a slumber party
where we put our hair in rollers and talk about boys.
Um, so, what do you say, guys?
Are we on for next week?
- Sure. - I'm in.
What about you, Rocky?
I don't need a shrink.
Happy with the way I am.
You don't impress me.
You don't even know me.
I don't know you, huh?
Well, let me ask you this question.
When you shower after gym class, do you wear your underwear?
See you on Wednesday.
[scatting]
Okay, it's on.
♪ Real Talk it's Real Talk ♪♪
Well, it's time to see who they replaced me with.
(Mukiya Ki on TV) 'Welcome to Mukiya Ki's Real Talk.'
'We're gonna talk about the real problem'
'with the real samurai superhero.'
'So, listen, man.'
'You say you feel awkward in public.'
[speaks in foreign language]
[laughs]
He's good.
[scatting]
[theme music]
[scatting]