Minor Adjustments (1995–1996): Season 1, Episode 8 - The Far Out Internuts - full transcript
[clanging]
(both) Yeah!
And you are going to throw these broken toys out?
See, they still have plenty of fun left in 'em.
What else you got?
My old See 'n Speak.
What's wrong with it?
[automated playback] 'The cow goes "Quack!'
'Quack! Quack!"'
Gosh, I'm gonna miss that thing.
Me too, but I'm afraid your first trip to the farm
you're gonna try to milk a duck.
Smash it, daddy. Smash it!
[thudding]
I was pretty disappointed.
Give me something else.
How about that snow globe?
Yeah.
Let me guess.
'Get the Jamaican Bobsled Team.'
Now, what do you three think you're doing?
We're squeezing the last bit of fun
out of these broken toys.
Ron, that snow globe's not broken.
Oh!
We're sacrificing it for science.
We're finding out while the snow sinks so slowly.
This game is over. You're making a mess.
Now go get the vacuum cleaner.
I wonder what is in this old snow globe?
I bet it's oil.
- It's not oil. - Yeah?
Well, how come the flake sinks up slowly?
'Cause of the Styrofoam.
Styrofoam? Yeah, like you know.
Like you do?
Yeah, well never find out what's in it.
[shattering]
So, what is it, mom?
Uh-oh!
Smelly water and Styrofoam.
Anybody want to help me clean this up?
No.
[theme music]
[scatting]
[scatting]
Hey!
Hey, babe. You working?
Nope. I'm just finished.
Now I'm just online and one of those chat rooms
with some other mothers.
Hey, I got a letter from Steve Harris.
You open my mail.
Ron, I open everybody's mail.
And if I didn't, these bills wouldn't get paid
and we wouldn't know that Trevor
subscribe to a Tibetan bride catalog.
Steve wrote to me.
It might have been personal.
I just like a little privacy.
Okay, fine!
From now on, I won't read the mail
that's addressed to you.
Thank you.
[laughing]
What's so funny?
Nothing!
- Can I see? - What?
Now you wouldn't want to invade
my privacy, would you?
No, no.
Um, I'll just make some toast.
Mmm.
Your screen name is Mama Rachel?
[chuckles]
[groans]
- Ron? - I'm gone.
If you need me, I'll be in the burn unit.
[instrumental music]
Darby, are you okay?
I got rejected, Uncle Bruce.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I filled out the application
read the essay, had the interview.
I'm proud of you for trying.
I'm sure there's a great college
out there for you somewhere.
College? No way.
I was applying to MTV to be in the next "Real World."
You know, I saw a chicken eat a worm once before
it was so cool that after the worm was still wiggling
and another chicken came along and ate that worm.
'You know my dog had the worms before'
he had to wear a cone around his neck for six weeks.
My uncle made fun of him, so when the collar came off
'he bit him.'
You know, I got bit once before but not by dog, by a rabbit.
You know, they eat rabbits in France.
They don't call a rabbit, they call it lapine.
'You know my father went to France before'
'he got my mom a bottle of perfume'
'shaped like the Eiffel Tower and it broken in our car'
and smelled really bad.
Hey, what's that? Is that a pizza?
- Can I have a piece? - Pizza is great.
You know I like sausage and pepperoni.
Some people like pineapple.
I don't know why they call it pineapple.
It's not really pine, it's definitely not apple.
Dr. Aimes.
Is Canadian bacon from Canada.
What about Kevin Bacon? Where's he from?
Dr. Aimes, are you listening to me?
See, it's no fun when people don't listen to you.
I asked you over half an hour ago
if you'd like a slice of pizza.
You got to pay attention when people talk to you.
People like your parents, your teachers, and me.
Yeah, I think I understand.
Good. Take a slice of pizza.
Thanks.
You know I once had good pizza in New York before
my uncle lives there and I met the mayor's son once.
We went to the Coney Island
and then I went on a big roller coaster
with the loop-the-loops and my brother got his..
[indistinct chattering]
Ron, I need an opinion.
I'm online and I can't decide what chatroom to go into
"Car Enthusiasts" or "Vegetarian Talk."
Since when are you a vegetarian?
I'm not.
I just like to go in and tell people
what they're missing.
Hey, that's looks good TV chat.
- Let's go in there. - No, I..
I don't think you'd like that one very much.
Come on, I love TV.
Oh, Ron, TV doesn't stand for television
it stands for transvestite.
I went in there once I typed, "I like Seinfeld."
Somebody typed back, "I like the way taffeta feels
against my hairy chest."
- Thanks for the warning. - Mm-hmm.
Obviously, I don't know anything about computers.
But you know, Rachel has an account online.
- She loves it. - Really?
What's her on-screen name?
Mama Rachel
Mama Rachel.
Alright. I'll run a search.
If she's online, I can find her and we can say hello.
I don't think we should.
We have this whole privacy talk
and I know she doesn't want me invading her space.
- Whoa! Moving on. - What?
- Nothing! - Where is she?
- Couldn't find her. - You're lying?
How can you tell?
You are Bruce and your mouth is moving.
Alright, she's in the, "I'll take romance" room.
What's that?
It's where lonely women go to meet men.
Pfft! Rachel's not lonely.
Well, Bruce go back. Where did she go?
Uh, she's gone.
What do you mean she's gone?
She must have signed off.
Bruce, why would Rachel go in there?
Wait, wait. Oh, hold on one second, buddy.
Oh, yeah, veggie boy?
I like burgers, and I work in a slaughter house.
[instrumental music]
What?
So, what do you guys want to do now?
Let's go put peanut butter in my dog's mouth.
As a member of the A.S.P.C.A.
I know I speak for Betty White and Bob Barker
when I say humiliating an animal is wrong.
This guy's unbelievable.
Hey, man, cut Duncan a break.
Wasn't he great on the computer before?
I guess.
Hey, Duncan, do you still have the phone number
of NASA'S main computer?
Yes.
Want to break in and try
to launch the Space Shuttle?
- Cool! - Cool!
Hey, guys, slow down!
Hi, guys.
Hey, honey, how was your day?
Fine.
You do anything interesting?
No, just work mostly.
So, you probably have a chance to get on the computer.
Oh, no. I need my daily online fix.
You know, I talked to Bruce today
and he says he goes on the computer all the time
to meet women.
Sort of bizarre, isn't it?
No, I think it's great.
But those people out there could be axe murderers
or...the living dead.
The living dead, Ron?
Well, it's kinda hard to top axe murderer.
Well, Ron, actually my friend Samantha
met her boyfriend online.
He's so romantic.
You know, Rachel, I've been thinking
why don't we just forget about all this privacy stuff?
No, no, you were right.
Privacy is a good thing.
Oh!
And here's your mail...unopened.
Hey, look, you got a coupon circular.
Oh, that's personal.
I'll just leave you alone to read it.
[instrumental music]
(kids) 'Three! Two! One!'
Ignition that shuttle!
What happened?
Nothing!
Duncan, I thought you were the master hacker.
The shuttle's still there!
Well, I did pop the hatch.
Hey, let's hack into the computer immigration
and get our principal deported.
- Cool! - Cool!
[scatting]
Okay, it's no big deal.
She just went into romance room once.
It's not like she's cheating on me.
Oh, yeah, I used to go in there all the time
but that's only because my boyfriend
didn't satisfy me.
But he was sick for a long time.
Did we get a new fish?
Hey, Mama Rachel's back.
Really? Oh, no, shut it off.
I shouldn't be invading her space.
And she's talking to some guy called "Loverboy."
Invade! Invade!
Have no fear.
I'll draw her in with my patented
opening line.
You typed how's life hot stuff.
Oh, smooth line, Uncle Bruce.
Well, that answers the burning question
of why I don't have an aunt.
[scoffs]
Go ahead! Laugh if you will.
But she ditched Loverboy and she's typing back.
Oh, I'm sure she's just making small talk.
"My life is devoid of romance and passion.
"I need to be reminded
what it's like to be loved and hungered for again."
Oh, that is so sad.
Yeah, kick me when I'm down.
Oh, no, I mean, Loverboy.
What kind of a loser names himself
after a cheesy mid 80s Canadian rock band.
Hey, wait. She's typing again.
"If only there were someone.."
"To rescue me."
That was great.
Give me another romantic line to type.
Well, I think I've got a good one.
What do you think this line right here?
(all) Ew!
(all) Whoa!
[instrumental music]
She's flirting with strangers. What is Rachel doing?
It's like a married to a 900 number.
Please, something close to a good 900 number.
I've already charged over $600 on this one I call 1900.
Am I saying this out loud?
$600?
How many times did you call?
Once.
What else do I tell him?
Tell him, we're hot.
Yes.
I fancy myself a woman of great beauty.
Instead of beauty, use pulchritude.
Pulchritude?
It means great beauty.
It was on our vocabulary test last week.
Yes. I defined, it spelled it, and signed it for the deaf.
Pulchritude? What the hell does that mean?
I don't know.
It means great beauty.
Duh!
How did you know that?
Oh, well, I was watching PBS one night
and I lost the remote
so I couldn't change the channel.
They were doing this vocabulary expansion show.
Then, finally, thank God, I fell asleep
right as big burden Baryshnikov kicked off the Pledge drive.
Whatever it means, she never uses it around me.
She must not think I'm smart enough.
Just type I'm that pulchri thing too.
This guy's pathetic, he can't even spell.
And he used pulchritude in the wrong context.
[giggles]
What happened to the old Trevor
the guy who tried to staple his nose close?
Come on. I'm still same Trevor.
Didn't I sniff the dead possum last week?
Hey, it's time to pull out the big guns.
Exactly.
Scott, my rucksack, please.
Courtesy of my uncle's sock drawer
"Lady Chatterley's lover."
- Ooh! - Ooh!
It's my mom.
And that, gentlemen, is how pork became the other white meat.
See you guys tomorrow.
Bye.
Hey, boys.
What do you mean she's gone?
- She-she got offline? - This is nuts.
I can't be romantic enough to keep my own wife's attention.
What am I gonna do?
Okay, Dr. Aimes, I don't mean to pride
but have you guys been fighting or anything?
No, I thought everything between Rachel I was fine.
Obviously, I was wrong.
My marriage is falling apart, I'm the last one to know.
Alright, wait. Dr. Aimes, focus.
If you were you, what would you say to you?
I'd say..
...remind her why we fell in love in the first place.
I gotta do something.
But not just something, something big
something really romantic.
Get your nose pierced.
What?
Or flowers, whatever works.
[instrumental music]
Welcome to Chopper Burger.
Home of the Chopper Burger.
Ron, what are you doing?
Take your mind back.
The year is 1983 and you've just laid your eyes
on the best looking fast food guy in Philadelphia.
Ron, this is silly.
May I take your order, ma'am?
And just so, you know
the fish chili has been discontinued
pending the outcome of the trial.
Okay, okay, I'll play along.
I'd like the, uh
double cheesy chopper with egg
large fries, and a super strawberry shake.
Mm-hmm.
Excuse me, ma'am.
No, son.
The colonel burger has
the "Return of the Jedi" collectible cops.
This is Chopper Burger.
We have the Gandhi action figure.
Peace. Peace.
Would you like an action figure?
No. I just want my food.
Well, I don't mean to be nosy, but you seem upset.
Is there anything wrong?
Well, I'm alone at Chopper Burger on a Saturday night
ordering four pounds of grease and fat.
Now whatever gave you the idea that something was wrong?
Well, I am five credits away from a degree in psychology
and 50 years away from paying off my student loan.
Well, if you must know, I had a date tonight
and we were supposed to go to the Lionel Richie concert
but he blew me off.
Any guy who would stand you up is a fool.
That's sweet.
Well, here's your food.
This goes out to the beautiful girl
in the Jordache jeans.
♪ You're once twice ♪
♪ Three times a lady ♪
♪ And I love you ♪♪
You remember what happened next?
Yeah, we close up Chopper Burger and we went down to the river
and talk till the sun came up.
Do you remember what happened five dates later?
Oh, why don't you refresh my memory?
Hmm.
♪ You're once twice three times.. ♪
Your singing is the reason
it took five days to get this far.
Okay?
[scatting]
Well, burger man
you're definitely my employee of the month.
Thank you.
I guess we know who the real Loverboy is now.
- Don't we? - What?
I don't think you could say
your life lacks romance and passion.
Isn't that right, Miss Pulchritude?
What's pulchritude?
You used it first.
I don't have a clue here, Ron.
Rachel, let's cut to it.
Every day at 4 o'clock
you've been online flirting with guys
and I've been spying on you.
Ron, at 4 o'clock
I am picking up Emma from playgroup.
And besides, why would I flirt online?
That's ridiculous.
Exactly!
So you don't have a problem with our marriage?
Ron, I've never been happier.
I love you and the kids very much.
I wouldn't trade places with anyone.
Oh!
And what do you mean you were spying on me?
Nothing. Hey, let's go to a hockey game.
I'll get my big foam figure.
Ron?
[sighs]
Bruce was online today
and I accidentally searched for you
and I accidentally engaged you in conversation.
Accidentally. Funny, huh?
No.
What do you think you could be cute
and that's gonna make everything okay?
Ron, you should have just been honest with me.
I know.
I got really jealous and scared. I'm sorry.
Ron, don't be pathetic
'cause you're really cute when you're pathetic.
You think I'm cute?
No, because now you're trying to be cute
and it's sickening.
Hey, if you weren't online, who was?
[scatting]
"My darling, I want to be with you.
"I've hacked into your billing information
and I know who you are."
"Send your husband away this evening
"and I will come to save you
"as soon as I can jack car big enough
for you, me and your kids."
What should we tell him next?
Tell him we're busting out of prison.
Yeah, and we're gonna go to Mexico
after we settle an old score in Texas.
This guy sounds sexy.
Mexico?
What are we gonna do?
Simple. Leave.
Scott, to the bike path.
Guys, wait.
Wait!
[scatting]
Dad! Dad! We have a problem.
I need to tell you something.
Darn! I left my briefcase at the office.
- I just run back and get it. - You're leaving?
You know, while I'm out, I might just catch a movie.
Mmm. Have a good time.
Hey, dad, look there's a suspicious looking car
parked outside across the street
with no license plates.
Doesn't bother me. Well, I gotta go.
Mom, he can't go. I screwed up.
Duncan, Scott and I
were you online and this guy's loving.
He's gonna make us drive to Mexico.
Gee, there's a guy in shackles coming up our driveway.
Guys! This is serious!
He's gonna take us away!
Oh, so you're saying you don't want to see Texas
on your way to Mexico?
No.
How do you know about Texas?
We knew because we set you up to teach you a lesson.
I knew that.
- Yeah, right. - Right.
Just like you knew you weren't allowed
to use my computer without asking
and you weren't allowed online without supervision, Trevor.
This time it was us.
Next time you think you're smart enough
to mess with somebody out there, you might not be so lucky.
I'm sorry.
Good. Now go to your room.
I have a feeling you're going to be spending
a lot of time in there.
[sighing] Boy!
Now, this one was uncovered in the parenting handbook.
Hey, dad, mom.
There really is a strange car parked outside
and there's a big guy getting out with a baseball bat.
(both) Where?
Psych!
[knocking on door]
Oh! Hi, Dr. Aimes.
- You're still here? - Yes.
What do you boys doing here?
Oh, nothing, just collecting for UNICEF.
Care to donate?
Boys, we know what you've been up to on that computer
so you better just confess.
Okay, we thought some freak
was going to come and kidnap you guys.
And you came to watch?
No, we came to videotape it and sell it to hardcopy.
Well, I guess we'll be going now.
Hold it, boys.
I think I have something newsworthy for you to camcord.
Turn that thing on and point it at me.
[clears throat]
This afternoon, three juveniles were caught
tampering on the internet.
One has been caught
and is currently being punished upstairs.
The other two are still at large.
However, this reporter has contacted their parents.
Scott! To the bike path!
[laughs]
Warren, don't worry, come on.
I promise you can hardly notice.
Now, just think of it this way.
You'll be the only kid in your class
that can open a bottle of beer with his face. Hmm?
And by the time I removed that headgear
you'll be old enough to drink it.
Poor kid better take up karate.
Okay, so listen to this.
Last night, I went into the "I'll take romance" room
and I met the most incredible guy.
That's nothing.
Last night, I made a fantasy come true
for one lucky cyber chick.
Check this out.
We created this wild fantasy involving a professor
and naive student..
And a wobbly lectern?
Oh, my God.
Mistress Mona?
Orthobeast?
(both) Ew!
[scatting]
[theme music]
(both) Yeah!
And you are going to throw these broken toys out?
See, they still have plenty of fun left in 'em.
What else you got?
My old See 'n Speak.
What's wrong with it?
[automated playback] 'The cow goes "Quack!'
'Quack! Quack!"'
Gosh, I'm gonna miss that thing.
Me too, but I'm afraid your first trip to the farm
you're gonna try to milk a duck.
Smash it, daddy. Smash it!
[thudding]
I was pretty disappointed.
Give me something else.
How about that snow globe?
Yeah.
Let me guess.
'Get the Jamaican Bobsled Team.'
Now, what do you three think you're doing?
We're squeezing the last bit of fun
out of these broken toys.
Ron, that snow globe's not broken.
Oh!
We're sacrificing it for science.
We're finding out while the snow sinks so slowly.
This game is over. You're making a mess.
Now go get the vacuum cleaner.
I wonder what is in this old snow globe?
I bet it's oil.
- It's not oil. - Yeah?
Well, how come the flake sinks up slowly?
'Cause of the Styrofoam.
Styrofoam? Yeah, like you know.
Like you do?
Yeah, well never find out what's in it.
[shattering]
So, what is it, mom?
Uh-oh!
Smelly water and Styrofoam.
Anybody want to help me clean this up?
No.
[theme music]
[scatting]
[scatting]
Hey!
Hey, babe. You working?
Nope. I'm just finished.
Now I'm just online and one of those chat rooms
with some other mothers.
Hey, I got a letter from Steve Harris.
You open my mail.
Ron, I open everybody's mail.
And if I didn't, these bills wouldn't get paid
and we wouldn't know that Trevor
subscribe to a Tibetan bride catalog.
Steve wrote to me.
It might have been personal.
I just like a little privacy.
Okay, fine!
From now on, I won't read the mail
that's addressed to you.
Thank you.
[laughing]
What's so funny?
Nothing!
- Can I see? - What?
Now you wouldn't want to invade
my privacy, would you?
No, no.
Um, I'll just make some toast.
Mmm.
Your screen name is Mama Rachel?
[chuckles]
[groans]
- Ron? - I'm gone.
If you need me, I'll be in the burn unit.
[instrumental music]
Darby, are you okay?
I got rejected, Uncle Bruce.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I filled out the application
read the essay, had the interview.
I'm proud of you for trying.
I'm sure there's a great college
out there for you somewhere.
College? No way.
I was applying to MTV to be in the next "Real World."
You know, I saw a chicken eat a worm once before
it was so cool that after the worm was still wiggling
and another chicken came along and ate that worm.
'You know my dog had the worms before'
he had to wear a cone around his neck for six weeks.
My uncle made fun of him, so when the collar came off
'he bit him.'
You know, I got bit once before but not by dog, by a rabbit.
You know, they eat rabbits in France.
They don't call a rabbit, they call it lapine.
'You know my father went to France before'
'he got my mom a bottle of perfume'
'shaped like the Eiffel Tower and it broken in our car'
and smelled really bad.
Hey, what's that? Is that a pizza?
- Can I have a piece? - Pizza is great.
You know I like sausage and pepperoni.
Some people like pineapple.
I don't know why they call it pineapple.
It's not really pine, it's definitely not apple.
Dr. Aimes.
Is Canadian bacon from Canada.
What about Kevin Bacon? Where's he from?
Dr. Aimes, are you listening to me?
See, it's no fun when people don't listen to you.
I asked you over half an hour ago
if you'd like a slice of pizza.
You got to pay attention when people talk to you.
People like your parents, your teachers, and me.
Yeah, I think I understand.
Good. Take a slice of pizza.
Thanks.
You know I once had good pizza in New York before
my uncle lives there and I met the mayor's son once.
We went to the Coney Island
and then I went on a big roller coaster
with the loop-the-loops and my brother got his..
[indistinct chattering]
Ron, I need an opinion.
I'm online and I can't decide what chatroom to go into
"Car Enthusiasts" or "Vegetarian Talk."
Since when are you a vegetarian?
I'm not.
I just like to go in and tell people
what they're missing.
Hey, that's looks good TV chat.
- Let's go in there. - No, I..
I don't think you'd like that one very much.
Come on, I love TV.
Oh, Ron, TV doesn't stand for television
it stands for transvestite.
I went in there once I typed, "I like Seinfeld."
Somebody typed back, "I like the way taffeta feels
against my hairy chest."
- Thanks for the warning. - Mm-hmm.
Obviously, I don't know anything about computers.
But you know, Rachel has an account online.
- She loves it. - Really?
What's her on-screen name?
Mama Rachel
Mama Rachel.
Alright. I'll run a search.
If she's online, I can find her and we can say hello.
I don't think we should.
We have this whole privacy talk
and I know she doesn't want me invading her space.
- Whoa! Moving on. - What?
- Nothing! - Where is she?
- Couldn't find her. - You're lying?
How can you tell?
You are Bruce and your mouth is moving.
Alright, she's in the, "I'll take romance" room.
What's that?
It's where lonely women go to meet men.
Pfft! Rachel's not lonely.
Well, Bruce go back. Where did she go?
Uh, she's gone.
What do you mean she's gone?
She must have signed off.
Bruce, why would Rachel go in there?
Wait, wait. Oh, hold on one second, buddy.
Oh, yeah, veggie boy?
I like burgers, and I work in a slaughter house.
[instrumental music]
What?
So, what do you guys want to do now?
Let's go put peanut butter in my dog's mouth.
As a member of the A.S.P.C.A.
I know I speak for Betty White and Bob Barker
when I say humiliating an animal is wrong.
This guy's unbelievable.
Hey, man, cut Duncan a break.
Wasn't he great on the computer before?
I guess.
Hey, Duncan, do you still have the phone number
of NASA'S main computer?
Yes.
Want to break in and try
to launch the Space Shuttle?
- Cool! - Cool!
Hey, guys, slow down!
Hi, guys.
Hey, honey, how was your day?
Fine.
You do anything interesting?
No, just work mostly.
So, you probably have a chance to get on the computer.
Oh, no. I need my daily online fix.
You know, I talked to Bruce today
and he says he goes on the computer all the time
to meet women.
Sort of bizarre, isn't it?
No, I think it's great.
But those people out there could be axe murderers
or...the living dead.
The living dead, Ron?
Well, it's kinda hard to top axe murderer.
Well, Ron, actually my friend Samantha
met her boyfriend online.
He's so romantic.
You know, Rachel, I've been thinking
why don't we just forget about all this privacy stuff?
No, no, you were right.
Privacy is a good thing.
Oh!
And here's your mail...unopened.
Hey, look, you got a coupon circular.
Oh, that's personal.
I'll just leave you alone to read it.
[instrumental music]
(kids) 'Three! Two! One!'
Ignition that shuttle!
What happened?
Nothing!
Duncan, I thought you were the master hacker.
The shuttle's still there!
Well, I did pop the hatch.
Hey, let's hack into the computer immigration
and get our principal deported.
- Cool! - Cool!
[scatting]
Okay, it's no big deal.
She just went into romance room once.
It's not like she's cheating on me.
Oh, yeah, I used to go in there all the time
but that's only because my boyfriend
didn't satisfy me.
But he was sick for a long time.
Did we get a new fish?
Hey, Mama Rachel's back.
Really? Oh, no, shut it off.
I shouldn't be invading her space.
And she's talking to some guy called "Loverboy."
Invade! Invade!
Have no fear.
I'll draw her in with my patented
opening line.
You typed how's life hot stuff.
Oh, smooth line, Uncle Bruce.
Well, that answers the burning question
of why I don't have an aunt.
[scoffs]
Go ahead! Laugh if you will.
But she ditched Loverboy and she's typing back.
Oh, I'm sure she's just making small talk.
"My life is devoid of romance and passion.
"I need to be reminded
what it's like to be loved and hungered for again."
Oh, that is so sad.
Yeah, kick me when I'm down.
Oh, no, I mean, Loverboy.
What kind of a loser names himself
after a cheesy mid 80s Canadian rock band.
Hey, wait. She's typing again.
"If only there were someone.."
"To rescue me."
That was great.
Give me another romantic line to type.
Well, I think I've got a good one.
What do you think this line right here?
(all) Ew!
(all) Whoa!
[instrumental music]
She's flirting with strangers. What is Rachel doing?
It's like a married to a 900 number.
Please, something close to a good 900 number.
I've already charged over $600 on this one I call 1900.
Am I saying this out loud?
$600?
How many times did you call?
Once.
What else do I tell him?
Tell him, we're hot.
Yes.
I fancy myself a woman of great beauty.
Instead of beauty, use pulchritude.
Pulchritude?
It means great beauty.
It was on our vocabulary test last week.
Yes. I defined, it spelled it, and signed it for the deaf.
Pulchritude? What the hell does that mean?
I don't know.
It means great beauty.
Duh!
How did you know that?
Oh, well, I was watching PBS one night
and I lost the remote
so I couldn't change the channel.
They were doing this vocabulary expansion show.
Then, finally, thank God, I fell asleep
right as big burden Baryshnikov kicked off the Pledge drive.
Whatever it means, she never uses it around me.
She must not think I'm smart enough.
Just type I'm that pulchri thing too.
This guy's pathetic, he can't even spell.
And he used pulchritude in the wrong context.
[giggles]
What happened to the old Trevor
the guy who tried to staple his nose close?
Come on. I'm still same Trevor.
Didn't I sniff the dead possum last week?
Hey, it's time to pull out the big guns.
Exactly.
Scott, my rucksack, please.
Courtesy of my uncle's sock drawer
"Lady Chatterley's lover."
- Ooh! - Ooh!
It's my mom.
And that, gentlemen, is how pork became the other white meat.
See you guys tomorrow.
Bye.
Hey, boys.
What do you mean she's gone?
- She-she got offline? - This is nuts.
I can't be romantic enough to keep my own wife's attention.
What am I gonna do?
Okay, Dr. Aimes, I don't mean to pride
but have you guys been fighting or anything?
No, I thought everything between Rachel I was fine.
Obviously, I was wrong.
My marriage is falling apart, I'm the last one to know.
Alright, wait. Dr. Aimes, focus.
If you were you, what would you say to you?
I'd say..
...remind her why we fell in love in the first place.
I gotta do something.
But not just something, something big
something really romantic.
Get your nose pierced.
What?
Or flowers, whatever works.
[instrumental music]
Welcome to Chopper Burger.
Home of the Chopper Burger.
Ron, what are you doing?
Take your mind back.
The year is 1983 and you've just laid your eyes
on the best looking fast food guy in Philadelphia.
Ron, this is silly.
May I take your order, ma'am?
And just so, you know
the fish chili has been discontinued
pending the outcome of the trial.
Okay, okay, I'll play along.
I'd like the, uh
double cheesy chopper with egg
large fries, and a super strawberry shake.
Mm-hmm.
Excuse me, ma'am.
No, son.
The colonel burger has
the "Return of the Jedi" collectible cops.
This is Chopper Burger.
We have the Gandhi action figure.
Peace. Peace.
Would you like an action figure?
No. I just want my food.
Well, I don't mean to be nosy, but you seem upset.
Is there anything wrong?
Well, I'm alone at Chopper Burger on a Saturday night
ordering four pounds of grease and fat.
Now whatever gave you the idea that something was wrong?
Well, I am five credits away from a degree in psychology
and 50 years away from paying off my student loan.
Well, if you must know, I had a date tonight
and we were supposed to go to the Lionel Richie concert
but he blew me off.
Any guy who would stand you up is a fool.
That's sweet.
Well, here's your food.
This goes out to the beautiful girl
in the Jordache jeans.
♪ You're once twice ♪
♪ Three times a lady ♪
♪ And I love you ♪♪
You remember what happened next?
Yeah, we close up Chopper Burger and we went down to the river
and talk till the sun came up.
Do you remember what happened five dates later?
Oh, why don't you refresh my memory?
Hmm.
♪ You're once twice three times.. ♪
Your singing is the reason
it took five days to get this far.
Okay?
[scatting]
Well, burger man
you're definitely my employee of the month.
Thank you.
I guess we know who the real Loverboy is now.
- Don't we? - What?
I don't think you could say
your life lacks romance and passion.
Isn't that right, Miss Pulchritude?
What's pulchritude?
You used it first.
I don't have a clue here, Ron.
Rachel, let's cut to it.
Every day at 4 o'clock
you've been online flirting with guys
and I've been spying on you.
Ron, at 4 o'clock
I am picking up Emma from playgroup.
And besides, why would I flirt online?
That's ridiculous.
Exactly!
So you don't have a problem with our marriage?
Ron, I've never been happier.
I love you and the kids very much.
I wouldn't trade places with anyone.
Oh!
And what do you mean you were spying on me?
Nothing. Hey, let's go to a hockey game.
I'll get my big foam figure.
Ron?
[sighs]
Bruce was online today
and I accidentally searched for you
and I accidentally engaged you in conversation.
Accidentally. Funny, huh?
No.
What do you think you could be cute
and that's gonna make everything okay?
Ron, you should have just been honest with me.
I know.
I got really jealous and scared. I'm sorry.
Ron, don't be pathetic
'cause you're really cute when you're pathetic.
You think I'm cute?
No, because now you're trying to be cute
and it's sickening.
Hey, if you weren't online, who was?
[scatting]
"My darling, I want to be with you.
"I've hacked into your billing information
and I know who you are."
"Send your husband away this evening
"and I will come to save you
"as soon as I can jack car big enough
for you, me and your kids."
What should we tell him next?
Tell him we're busting out of prison.
Yeah, and we're gonna go to Mexico
after we settle an old score in Texas.
This guy sounds sexy.
Mexico?
What are we gonna do?
Simple. Leave.
Scott, to the bike path.
Guys, wait.
Wait!
[scatting]
Dad! Dad! We have a problem.
I need to tell you something.
Darn! I left my briefcase at the office.
- I just run back and get it. - You're leaving?
You know, while I'm out, I might just catch a movie.
Mmm. Have a good time.
Hey, dad, look there's a suspicious looking car
parked outside across the street
with no license plates.
Doesn't bother me. Well, I gotta go.
Mom, he can't go. I screwed up.
Duncan, Scott and I
were you online and this guy's loving.
He's gonna make us drive to Mexico.
Gee, there's a guy in shackles coming up our driveway.
Guys! This is serious!
He's gonna take us away!
Oh, so you're saying you don't want to see Texas
on your way to Mexico?
No.
How do you know about Texas?
We knew because we set you up to teach you a lesson.
I knew that.
- Yeah, right. - Right.
Just like you knew you weren't allowed
to use my computer without asking
and you weren't allowed online without supervision, Trevor.
This time it was us.
Next time you think you're smart enough
to mess with somebody out there, you might not be so lucky.
I'm sorry.
Good. Now go to your room.
I have a feeling you're going to be spending
a lot of time in there.
[sighing] Boy!
Now, this one was uncovered in the parenting handbook.
Hey, dad, mom.
There really is a strange car parked outside
and there's a big guy getting out with a baseball bat.
(both) Where?
Psych!
[knocking on door]
Oh! Hi, Dr. Aimes.
- You're still here? - Yes.
What do you boys doing here?
Oh, nothing, just collecting for UNICEF.
Care to donate?
Boys, we know what you've been up to on that computer
so you better just confess.
Okay, we thought some freak
was going to come and kidnap you guys.
And you came to watch?
No, we came to videotape it and sell it to hardcopy.
Well, I guess we'll be going now.
Hold it, boys.
I think I have something newsworthy for you to camcord.
Turn that thing on and point it at me.
[clears throat]
This afternoon, three juveniles were caught
tampering on the internet.
One has been caught
and is currently being punished upstairs.
The other two are still at large.
However, this reporter has contacted their parents.
Scott! To the bike path!
[laughs]
Warren, don't worry, come on.
I promise you can hardly notice.
Now, just think of it this way.
You'll be the only kid in your class
that can open a bottle of beer with his face. Hmm?
And by the time I removed that headgear
you'll be old enough to drink it.
Poor kid better take up karate.
Okay, so listen to this.
Last night, I went into the "I'll take romance" room
and I met the most incredible guy.
That's nothing.
Last night, I made a fantasy come true
for one lucky cyber chick.
Check this out.
We created this wild fantasy involving a professor
and naive student..
And a wobbly lectern?
Oh, my God.
Mistress Mona?
Orthobeast?
(both) Ew!
[scatting]
[theme music]