Minor Adjustments (1995–1996): Season 1, Episode 6 - The Ex-Files - full transcript
So, Arthur, did you try to play baseball
with your friends this week?
Yeah, but I wasn't picked.
Well, sometimes there's too many players
and people have to sit out.
The last pick came down to me and a Chihuahua.
They picked the Chihuahua.
He played second base.
Well, I hope you didn't give up.
This is what we've been working on.
No, when the dog lost interest and wandered off
they let me play.
Great. How did you do?
They hit a grounders at me and I fielded it great.
Alright, and you threw it to first and got him out.
No. I threw it into my knee and got four stitches.
I'm just no good at anything. Sports, music.
Hey, I was the same way when I was young.
- Really? - Yeah.
In the school band, I played the triangle.
I only had one note per song, but I would mess it every time.
Home Economics, I gave the entire seventh grade
food poisoning..
[sighs] ...from toast.
- And shop class was even worse. - What happened?
Well, let me put it to you this way.
Before I took the class, we called the teacher Mr. Watkins.
After I took it, we called him leftie.
But I kept trying till I found stuff I was good at.
- But I am no good at anything. - Oh, come on.
You're not gonna be Michael Jordan
or Miles Davis overnight.
You gotta start off small. Build your confidence up.
That way you'll find stuff that you're good at.
Why don't we start here? Come on.
Try to make a basket.
- I screwed it up again. - No. No. No, you didn't.
See, if you hadn't have tried, you wouldn't have found out
that you were so good at, at dodgeball.
- Hey! You're right! - Yeah, see..
Alright! Okay. There.
No, wait. Alright. Uh, time, time is up.
[scatting]
Okay, mommy. What's this?
Well, it's a, um..
Okay, it-it's-it's a bunch of bunnies
that are hopping over a beautiful meadow
and they are happy.
Tsk. Nope. Guess again.
[clears throat]
- It's a nudist colony. - Trevor!
Hey, she made it.
Daddy, guess what this is.
It's macaroni pasted on a red piece of paper.
- And it's perfect. - Thanks, daddy.
Trevor, come here.
Today you're about to go through a rite of passage.
Son, you're about to become a man.
Can I become a man in about a hour
'cause I don't wanna miss "Animaniacs."
Ron, I think you might be making too much of this.
No, no. I've been thinking about this for a long time.
Trevor, guess what I have in this box.
A finger.
[sighs]
Remind me to sit down with you and discuss
why you hope it's a finger.
It's my baseball card collection.
- This is my gift to you. - Cool.
And this autographed ball right here is the crown jewel.
Come on. Step into the time machine.
The year is 1969, my first major league game.
Me and my dad at Veterans Stadium.
Willie Mays steps up to the play
then hits this ball right to me.
And I'm in the center field bleachers.
- Wow! And you caught that ball? - Yup.
- Ron.. - Caught it, bought it.
What's the difference?
The important part is I got Willie
to sign it for me after the game.
- So you're giving these to me? - Yup.
I hope you get as much pleasure out of it as I did.
I had to do some pretty smart trading
to get this collection together.
I'm gonna go look at it!
[chuckles]
- Honey, that was nice. - Nice?
That was monumental. That was huge!
Oh, oh, I get it. It's a man thing.
Like, um, scratching yourselves, spitting
debating who was the funniest of The Three Stooges.
Exactly.
You know, I looked at that box today
and I saw an important part of my life in there.
Those cards aren't in the best condition
but my heart's in there.
By the way, it's Curly.
[chuckles]
You know, I-I never did understand baseball cards.
I would just throw 'em away after I ate the gum.
But I did like going to the games.
Yeah. My dad enjoyed taking me.
I was such a pain, I don't know how he put up with me.
Uh, dad, can I have some hotdogs?
Can I have some Cracker Jacks, some peanuts
uh, some ice-cream bars, s-some more hotdogs?
A, a-a frozen malt?
Um, dad, I need a hat now.
A hat? For what, son?
So I can throw up in it.
[laughing]
[scatting]
My major announcement for today is
I have totally programmed all the important numbers
into the new phone system.
- I gotta hear this. - Okay.
You press 1, you get the lobby, press 2, you get the pharmacy
3, blah-blah-blah-blah. Okay. Here are the really good ones.
You press 4 and you get Unico's Naughty Nells.
You press 5 and you get Chomper Burger. Yum!
You press 6 and you get a personal message
from Hootie and the Blowfish.
Darby, did you put any emergency numbers in there?
[gasps] You're right, I totally forgot to put in
Dionne Warwick Psychic hotline.
Do pet stores sell black widow spiders?
I would really like to cheer one on while it devours its mate.
Ron, can I talk to you in your office?
Sure, Francine.
So, what did your ex-husband do this time?
I was planning on giving our daughter a sweet-16 party
and he goes ahead and does it, on his own, without telling me.
- Don't you two communicate? - Of course, we do.
We communicate the American way, by lawyer.
[sighs] I am not going.
I think you should go for your daughter's sake.
- You should be there. - I should be there?
Where was Roger when I was raising her?
For that matter, where was he when I was giving birth?
He was in the broom closet with the scrub nurse.
I needed that scrub nurse, Ron.
Look, I know you have some resentment
but I think you should put it aside for Emily.
You should call up your ex-husband and say
"Hey, I'm coming to that party. Save me some cake."
Oh, I don't like cake.
- Francine.. - Okay, I'll do it.
It's against my better judgment, but you're the psychologist.
[scatting]
- Hey, look over there! - It's Steve Garvey.
Signing autographs.
All that hair spray, it's a wonder there's any ozone left.
Guess he never needed a batting helmet.
[laughing]
Yo, check this out. A Ken Griffey Junior rookie.
1989, upper deck. There it is!
Mint, $75!
Why don't we sell your dad's old funky cards?
Nobody knows who those guys are anyway.
And that ball's worth 300 and change.
We can use the money to make a movie.
We don't know anything about making a movie.
Did you see "Water World?"
I could have made a better movie than that in my bathtub.
Quit it with the movie!
I haven't seen anything cool enough to trade for.
What about that?
[vocalizing]
[scatting]
Now, Sydney, promise me you'll never do that again.
You could ruin your teeth. Okay?
- What did he do? - He got a new girlfriend.
And as a sign of their commitment to each other
they exchanged retainers.
No way!
How romantic.
Boy, it's a glorious day.
Well, it's, uh, it's nice to see you smiling, Francine.
Now where have I seen that smile before?
Ah! Yes, Glenn Close, "Fatal Attraction."
Of course, she was underwater at the time.
[chuckles] Nice tie, Bruce.
You're looking mighty handsome today.
[clicks tongue]
Thank you, thank you, thank you for making me go to that party.
The greatest thing happened.
Your ex-husband was set on fire by the chafing dish?
[chuckles]
Okay, the second greatest thing.
Roger is getting married.
I don't have to pay him alimony anymore.
I'm getting him out of my life and I didn't even need an alibi.
So, what's his fiancee like?
Well, she's not a successful pediatrician
with an award-winning recipe for crab cakes
but she was nice enough.
And how was Roger?
He seemed like a completely different person.
He never once cleaned out his ears with his car keys.
And he even said that he wanted to get together
and talk about Emily's future. But, see, I don't know.
No, no. I think that's a good idea. You should go.
And while you're at it, wish him happiness in his new life.
You could be right.
I'll take him out to dinner and we'll talk things over.
[scatting]
Come on, Roger. Let me check you out.
It'll only take a minute.
Oh, don't be such a baby.
This reminds me of our first apartment.
Except, I think we had a queen-sized examination table.
- Shut up and sit down. - Mm-hmm.
You know you're allergic to peanuts.
You never should have ordered that dish.
I'm sorry, Fran, I didn't know
the chicken dish had peanuts in it.
Even after you ate them?
Ah, to me they just looked like old beans.
- Wow. - What?
There really is a heart in there.
Uh, uh, uh, you promised to play nice.
Okay, okay. I had a very nice time tonight.
It was so nice spending some time together
without flicking lit matches at each other.
- Why did we fight so much? - Um, we were married.
Ah! Right.
Mm. Let me check your throat.
Mm, no, no. Let me check yours.
- Roger, what are you doing? - It's called a kiss.
Boy, it has been a long time for you, huh?
Yes, it has.
[instrumental music]
Oh, man, that show was so great!
You should have seen all the stuff there.
Dad, I don't think you know how much those cards are worth.
Nothing compared to the ball, though.
Well, I guess my collection started something.
Yeah, because of you, I have the greatest path in my life.
If it wasn't for your stuff
I wouldn't have been able to trade it for this.
It's Ken O'Neal's right shoe!
Mom, what's wrong with dad?
I think he's having a Shaq attack.
[scatting]
Rod Carew, 1969.
Roberto Clemente, 1967.
The entire Big Red Machine.
Pretty awesome, huh, dad?
Smell it. It's got the essence of Shaq.
Odor O'Neal.
Sab Borno, '74. Joe Rudi.
You traded your dad's baseball card collection
and the ball for this shoe?
Correction, mom, those were my cards and my ball.
You gave 'em to me, right, dad?
Reggie Jackson. Catfish Hunter.
Say it ain't so, Trevor.
Yeah. Larry Bowa. Foot Paw.
- I guess I goofed. - Yeah, you did.
Trading those cards have really hurt your father.
He said he got those cards by doing some smart trading.
And I did the same thing. I thought he'd be proud of me.
But this shoe is gonna be worth a lot of money someday.
Yeah, but the players on those cards were your dad's heroes.
And when he gave them to you
he was giving you a part of himself, Trevor.
You're making it sound like I sold his kidneys.
Look, do you know what I'm saying, Trevor?
What do you want me to do?
I'm only nine years old! I'm practically clueless!
Why are you smiling?
'Cause I'm too cute and I can get away with anything.
Think I'll go into the kitchen and spill something sticky.
[scatting]
I did what you told me.
I invited Roger here last night for a little talk.
Not now. I'm about to get the mother ship.
[sighs] And I spent the night with Roger in my office.
Game over.
Wow! Francine..
How do you feel?
When it was over, all that was missing
were those three little words.
- Where's the remote? - Very funny, Ron.
I'm very confused here.
I-I hate to say it, but I kind of felt some of the magic
that Roger and I felt when we first met.
I-I wonder if he feels the same way I do.
- These just came for you. - He feels the same way I do.
So, did some parallel parking
with the old man last night, huh?
[chuckles]
What? I read the card.
I thought the flowers were for me.
Bruce, this is none of your business.
Touchy. Touchy.
Looks like someone woke up on the wrong side
of the ex-husband this morning.
[exhale sharply] He's sending me flowers.
Damn! He's gonna call off the wedding!
Now, do I want that or do I not want that?
Um, I'll hold that thought till after you've read this.
"Thank you for giving me one last fantastic night
"before my wedding.
Love, Rog."
God, Francine, couldn't you just have given him
a blender or something?
[sighs]
- Francine, are you okay? - Oh, sorry.
I was just picturing his wedding, you know?
When the newlyweds drive off and those old shoes
that they put in the back of the car..
I want him in them.
- I'm really sorry, Francine. - Oh, don't be sorry for me.
Be sorry for his fiancee. He's her scuzzbag now.
- Maybe you should talk to her. - What?
You know what he's like and you know he hasn't changed.
- And you said she seemed nice. - Yeah, well, maybe I was wrong.
Maybe she's a scuzzbag, too. They're compatible scuzzbags.
They could be the scuzzbags. Mister and missus.
I don't have to tell that trap a thing!
You're not buying any of this, are you?
Then go away.
Shut up.
[scatting]
Five-hundred bucks?
They raised the price a $100.
- What are we gonna do now? - Well, tell the guy the truth.
I'm sure he'll trade it back to you.
Yeah, if you throw in a Jeep.
Hey, kid. How are you enjoying that shoe?
Oh, it's cool, it's just that
I got to get my cards and ball back, so..
- Here it is. - Yeah, well, no problem, uh..
I'm gonna need a $100 to go with it.
You-you-you don't understand. You see..
I didn't know how much the ball meant to my dad.
I feel for you, kid, alright? But the deal was final.
And refunds are out of the question.
I don't have a $100.
My dad's health is really bad. He's, he's got a disease.
He's got Babe Ruth disease.
Don't you mean Will Garrix disease?
No. He's fat.
Yeah. He weighs about 1200 pounds.
He's confined to a bed.
He got that ball the last time he could fit in the seat
at the ball park.
Now he is a ball park.
Forget it.
[scatting]
I can't believe I told his fiancee everything.
Now I'm back in alimony hell. When will this punishment end?
Francine, you have to look at the bright side.
What bright side?
We have to think about the people
whose lives are much worse than yours.
Okay, I knew this guy and he and his wife were having problems.
So his wife moved to California.
When he went out to visit her, the building that they were in
was taken over by terrorists
and it was like everyone was gonna die.
Darby that's "Die Hard."
Tsk. You saw that, too?
It was so sad. I can't work when I'm this upset.
Can I have the day off?
[sighs] No.
You're heartless.
I'm also an idiot for telling Roger's fiancee.
Francine, you put another person's
well-being above your own.
- I'm proud of you. - Oh, shut up.
No. You did the noble thing.
[scoffs] Ron, she knows it was a noble thing
and that doesn't make her feel good.
I know what will make you feel good, Francine.
Here's the bottom line.
You totally screwed up Roger's life.
Every alimony check you send him
takes another chink out of his masculinity.
And that has gotta feel damn good!
Bruce, you're a cold, cynical man.
And that's just what I need right now. Come here.
- Give me a big hug. - I'm here for you, babe.
[scatting]
I sold the shoe back and I got most of the cards.
But I still couldn't afford the ball.
And I know how much it meant to you, dad.
And I'm gonna make it up to you.
No, Trevor. These are yours.
Really? Thanks, dad.
I've got a really great surprise for you that you're gonna love.
[doorbell rings]
That's it. Why don't you answer it?
- Who is it? - Somebody..
I met at the sports show.
Somebody dad's gonna love.
[doorbell rings]
Open it up, dad.
[clears throat]
Everybody, I want you to meet The Say Hey Kid himself
Mr. Willie Mays.
Say hey, Mr. and Mrs. Aimes. Pleased to meet you.
I'm Willie Mays.
Come on now, Willie.
My dad is still a little awed by your presence.
Uh, wait a minute, Trevor. This man is not--
- Rachel-- - Not what?
Not as tall as we thought he'd be.
[scatting]
[laughing]
So, so Mickey and me and Joe Pepitone
put shaving cream in Leo Durocher's bed.
Snowflakes in the further at the Atlanta hillside.
And I'm not gonna tell you what we did
with Krazy Glue and some jockstrap.
[laughing]
Took ol' Joaquin Waah to get out of the squat.
[laughing]
That's funny. Why?
You're just like a regular person.
It's like you're not really
a legendary baseball player at all.
Uh, well, deep down on, we're all really the same, Trevor.
You know, people make too much of stars and heroes.
Uh, are you gonna finish your peas?
Yeah.
Show us the basket catch again, Willie.
Uh, not again. Come on. You kids have to go to bed.
Oh, man!
Well, I gotta show him off anyway.
Uh, do the honors one more time, sir?
It's 1954, the World Series, ladies and gentlemen
the big man, Vic Wertz steps to the play.
The pitch, the swing.
He hits it deep to center!
Willie Mays goes back on it to the wall!
'He's got it! Willie Mays makes the catch!'
And the crowd goes crazy!
[applauding]
Alright, alright. You kids, off to bed.
Thanks for coming by, Willie.
You being here meant a lot to my dad.
- It sure did. - Well, don't mention it.
- Pretty special, huh, dad? - You bet, short stuff.
Why don't you guys show Willie out?
Listen, I had a great time, y'all. Uh, thanks again.
- See you both. - 'Buh-bye.'
So, Ron
are we ever gonna tell Trevor the truth about Willie Mays?
Well, maybe someday. He did go through a lot of trouble for me.
You know, the evening really turned out to be
fun and informative.
I had no idea that the Houston Astros
were named after George Jetson's dog.
[laughs]
What's wrong, Trevor?
That wasn't Willie Mays.
No, son, he wasn't.
- 'Oh, man.' - Son, don't feel bad.
Your heart was in the right place.
You did a really great thing for me.
Now how did you know that wasn't Willie Mays?
He asked me how to spell Willie.
I don't know what I'm doing here.
I don't know anything about sports.
I'm telling you, this is a great place to spend our lunch hour.
I love it!
Hey. Give it a chance, look around.
I'm sure you'll find something you like.
Here we go, little man.
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
There.
Hey, little lady.
- 'You want autograph?' - Sure.
- Hey, aren't you that guy-- - That's right. Mohammad Ali.
"Float like a butterfly. Sting like a scorpion."
[grunting]
You were in that fight, that "Thriller" thing.
No, no, no, no. That was the Jackson boy's video.
Hey, I would love to claim it, but I was not in that one. Okay?
You fought that Frasier guy.
Yeah, right after he left "Cheers."
Yeah.
Here. Mohamm..
Mohamm.. Uh, best wishes. Ali.
Hey. Aren't you--
That's right. Pele.
Soccer been bery bery good to me.
Yes.
Okay P-A-L-A-L-A-A.
[scatting]
[theme music]
[scatting]
[scatting]
with your friends this week?
Yeah, but I wasn't picked.
Well, sometimes there's too many players
and people have to sit out.
The last pick came down to me and a Chihuahua.
They picked the Chihuahua.
He played second base.
Well, I hope you didn't give up.
This is what we've been working on.
No, when the dog lost interest and wandered off
they let me play.
Great. How did you do?
They hit a grounders at me and I fielded it great.
Alright, and you threw it to first and got him out.
No. I threw it into my knee and got four stitches.
I'm just no good at anything. Sports, music.
Hey, I was the same way when I was young.
- Really? - Yeah.
In the school band, I played the triangle.
I only had one note per song, but I would mess it every time.
Home Economics, I gave the entire seventh grade
food poisoning..
[sighs] ...from toast.
- And shop class was even worse. - What happened?
Well, let me put it to you this way.
Before I took the class, we called the teacher Mr. Watkins.
After I took it, we called him leftie.
But I kept trying till I found stuff I was good at.
- But I am no good at anything. - Oh, come on.
You're not gonna be Michael Jordan
or Miles Davis overnight.
You gotta start off small. Build your confidence up.
That way you'll find stuff that you're good at.
Why don't we start here? Come on.
Try to make a basket.
- I screwed it up again. - No. No. No, you didn't.
See, if you hadn't have tried, you wouldn't have found out
that you were so good at, at dodgeball.
- Hey! You're right! - Yeah, see..
Alright! Okay. There.
No, wait. Alright. Uh, time, time is up.
[scatting]
Okay, mommy. What's this?
Well, it's a, um..
Okay, it-it's-it's a bunch of bunnies
that are hopping over a beautiful meadow
and they are happy.
Tsk. Nope. Guess again.
[clears throat]
- It's a nudist colony. - Trevor!
Hey, she made it.
Daddy, guess what this is.
It's macaroni pasted on a red piece of paper.
- And it's perfect. - Thanks, daddy.
Trevor, come here.
Today you're about to go through a rite of passage.
Son, you're about to become a man.
Can I become a man in about a hour
'cause I don't wanna miss "Animaniacs."
Ron, I think you might be making too much of this.
No, no. I've been thinking about this for a long time.
Trevor, guess what I have in this box.
A finger.
[sighs]
Remind me to sit down with you and discuss
why you hope it's a finger.
It's my baseball card collection.
- This is my gift to you. - Cool.
And this autographed ball right here is the crown jewel.
Come on. Step into the time machine.
The year is 1969, my first major league game.
Me and my dad at Veterans Stadium.
Willie Mays steps up to the play
then hits this ball right to me.
And I'm in the center field bleachers.
- Wow! And you caught that ball? - Yup.
- Ron.. - Caught it, bought it.
What's the difference?
The important part is I got Willie
to sign it for me after the game.
- So you're giving these to me? - Yup.
I hope you get as much pleasure out of it as I did.
I had to do some pretty smart trading
to get this collection together.
I'm gonna go look at it!
[chuckles]
- Honey, that was nice. - Nice?
That was monumental. That was huge!
Oh, oh, I get it. It's a man thing.
Like, um, scratching yourselves, spitting
debating who was the funniest of The Three Stooges.
Exactly.
You know, I looked at that box today
and I saw an important part of my life in there.
Those cards aren't in the best condition
but my heart's in there.
By the way, it's Curly.
[chuckles]
You know, I-I never did understand baseball cards.
I would just throw 'em away after I ate the gum.
But I did like going to the games.
Yeah. My dad enjoyed taking me.
I was such a pain, I don't know how he put up with me.
Uh, dad, can I have some hotdogs?
Can I have some Cracker Jacks, some peanuts
uh, some ice-cream bars, s-some more hotdogs?
A, a-a frozen malt?
Um, dad, I need a hat now.
A hat? For what, son?
So I can throw up in it.
[laughing]
[scatting]
My major announcement for today is
I have totally programmed all the important numbers
into the new phone system.
- I gotta hear this. - Okay.
You press 1, you get the lobby, press 2, you get the pharmacy
3, blah-blah-blah-blah. Okay. Here are the really good ones.
You press 4 and you get Unico's Naughty Nells.
You press 5 and you get Chomper Burger. Yum!
You press 6 and you get a personal message
from Hootie and the Blowfish.
Darby, did you put any emergency numbers in there?
[gasps] You're right, I totally forgot to put in
Dionne Warwick Psychic hotline.
Do pet stores sell black widow spiders?
I would really like to cheer one on while it devours its mate.
Ron, can I talk to you in your office?
Sure, Francine.
So, what did your ex-husband do this time?
I was planning on giving our daughter a sweet-16 party
and he goes ahead and does it, on his own, without telling me.
- Don't you two communicate? - Of course, we do.
We communicate the American way, by lawyer.
[sighs] I am not going.
I think you should go for your daughter's sake.
- You should be there. - I should be there?
Where was Roger when I was raising her?
For that matter, where was he when I was giving birth?
He was in the broom closet with the scrub nurse.
I needed that scrub nurse, Ron.
Look, I know you have some resentment
but I think you should put it aside for Emily.
You should call up your ex-husband and say
"Hey, I'm coming to that party. Save me some cake."
Oh, I don't like cake.
- Francine.. - Okay, I'll do it.
It's against my better judgment, but you're the psychologist.
[scatting]
- Hey, look over there! - It's Steve Garvey.
Signing autographs.
All that hair spray, it's a wonder there's any ozone left.
Guess he never needed a batting helmet.
[laughing]
Yo, check this out. A Ken Griffey Junior rookie.
1989, upper deck. There it is!
Mint, $75!
Why don't we sell your dad's old funky cards?
Nobody knows who those guys are anyway.
And that ball's worth 300 and change.
We can use the money to make a movie.
We don't know anything about making a movie.
Did you see "Water World?"
I could have made a better movie than that in my bathtub.
Quit it with the movie!
I haven't seen anything cool enough to trade for.
What about that?
[vocalizing]
[scatting]
Now, Sydney, promise me you'll never do that again.
You could ruin your teeth. Okay?
- What did he do? - He got a new girlfriend.
And as a sign of their commitment to each other
they exchanged retainers.
No way!
How romantic.
Boy, it's a glorious day.
Well, it's, uh, it's nice to see you smiling, Francine.
Now where have I seen that smile before?
Ah! Yes, Glenn Close, "Fatal Attraction."
Of course, she was underwater at the time.
[chuckles] Nice tie, Bruce.
You're looking mighty handsome today.
[clicks tongue]
Thank you, thank you, thank you for making me go to that party.
The greatest thing happened.
Your ex-husband was set on fire by the chafing dish?
[chuckles]
Okay, the second greatest thing.
Roger is getting married.
I don't have to pay him alimony anymore.
I'm getting him out of my life and I didn't even need an alibi.
So, what's his fiancee like?
Well, she's not a successful pediatrician
with an award-winning recipe for crab cakes
but she was nice enough.
And how was Roger?
He seemed like a completely different person.
He never once cleaned out his ears with his car keys.
And he even said that he wanted to get together
and talk about Emily's future. But, see, I don't know.
No, no. I think that's a good idea. You should go.
And while you're at it, wish him happiness in his new life.
You could be right.
I'll take him out to dinner and we'll talk things over.
[scatting]
Come on, Roger. Let me check you out.
It'll only take a minute.
Oh, don't be such a baby.
This reminds me of our first apartment.
Except, I think we had a queen-sized examination table.
- Shut up and sit down. - Mm-hmm.
You know you're allergic to peanuts.
You never should have ordered that dish.
I'm sorry, Fran, I didn't know
the chicken dish had peanuts in it.
Even after you ate them?
Ah, to me they just looked like old beans.
- Wow. - What?
There really is a heart in there.
Uh, uh, uh, you promised to play nice.
Okay, okay. I had a very nice time tonight.
It was so nice spending some time together
without flicking lit matches at each other.
- Why did we fight so much? - Um, we were married.
Ah! Right.
Mm. Let me check your throat.
Mm, no, no. Let me check yours.
- Roger, what are you doing? - It's called a kiss.
Boy, it has been a long time for you, huh?
Yes, it has.
[instrumental music]
Oh, man, that show was so great!
You should have seen all the stuff there.
Dad, I don't think you know how much those cards are worth.
Nothing compared to the ball, though.
Well, I guess my collection started something.
Yeah, because of you, I have the greatest path in my life.
If it wasn't for your stuff
I wouldn't have been able to trade it for this.
It's Ken O'Neal's right shoe!
Mom, what's wrong with dad?
I think he's having a Shaq attack.
[scatting]
Rod Carew, 1969.
Roberto Clemente, 1967.
The entire Big Red Machine.
Pretty awesome, huh, dad?
Smell it. It's got the essence of Shaq.
Odor O'Neal.
Sab Borno, '74. Joe Rudi.
You traded your dad's baseball card collection
and the ball for this shoe?
Correction, mom, those were my cards and my ball.
You gave 'em to me, right, dad?
Reggie Jackson. Catfish Hunter.
Say it ain't so, Trevor.
Yeah. Larry Bowa. Foot Paw.
- I guess I goofed. - Yeah, you did.
Trading those cards have really hurt your father.
He said he got those cards by doing some smart trading.
And I did the same thing. I thought he'd be proud of me.
But this shoe is gonna be worth a lot of money someday.
Yeah, but the players on those cards were your dad's heroes.
And when he gave them to you
he was giving you a part of himself, Trevor.
You're making it sound like I sold his kidneys.
Look, do you know what I'm saying, Trevor?
What do you want me to do?
I'm only nine years old! I'm practically clueless!
Why are you smiling?
'Cause I'm too cute and I can get away with anything.
Think I'll go into the kitchen and spill something sticky.
[scatting]
I did what you told me.
I invited Roger here last night for a little talk.
Not now. I'm about to get the mother ship.
[sighs] And I spent the night with Roger in my office.
Game over.
Wow! Francine..
How do you feel?
When it was over, all that was missing
were those three little words.
- Where's the remote? - Very funny, Ron.
I'm very confused here.
I-I hate to say it, but I kind of felt some of the magic
that Roger and I felt when we first met.
I-I wonder if he feels the same way I do.
- These just came for you. - He feels the same way I do.
So, did some parallel parking
with the old man last night, huh?
[chuckles]
What? I read the card.
I thought the flowers were for me.
Bruce, this is none of your business.
Touchy. Touchy.
Looks like someone woke up on the wrong side
of the ex-husband this morning.
[exhale sharply] He's sending me flowers.
Damn! He's gonna call off the wedding!
Now, do I want that or do I not want that?
Um, I'll hold that thought till after you've read this.
"Thank you for giving me one last fantastic night
"before my wedding.
Love, Rog."
God, Francine, couldn't you just have given him
a blender or something?
[sighs]
- Francine, are you okay? - Oh, sorry.
I was just picturing his wedding, you know?
When the newlyweds drive off and those old shoes
that they put in the back of the car..
I want him in them.
- I'm really sorry, Francine. - Oh, don't be sorry for me.
Be sorry for his fiancee. He's her scuzzbag now.
- Maybe you should talk to her. - What?
You know what he's like and you know he hasn't changed.
- And you said she seemed nice. - Yeah, well, maybe I was wrong.
Maybe she's a scuzzbag, too. They're compatible scuzzbags.
They could be the scuzzbags. Mister and missus.
I don't have to tell that trap a thing!
You're not buying any of this, are you?
Then go away.
Shut up.
[scatting]
Five-hundred bucks?
They raised the price a $100.
- What are we gonna do now? - Well, tell the guy the truth.
I'm sure he'll trade it back to you.
Yeah, if you throw in a Jeep.
Hey, kid. How are you enjoying that shoe?
Oh, it's cool, it's just that
I got to get my cards and ball back, so..
- Here it is. - Yeah, well, no problem, uh..
I'm gonna need a $100 to go with it.
You-you-you don't understand. You see..
I didn't know how much the ball meant to my dad.
I feel for you, kid, alright? But the deal was final.
And refunds are out of the question.
I don't have a $100.
My dad's health is really bad. He's, he's got a disease.
He's got Babe Ruth disease.
Don't you mean Will Garrix disease?
No. He's fat.
Yeah. He weighs about 1200 pounds.
He's confined to a bed.
He got that ball the last time he could fit in the seat
at the ball park.
Now he is a ball park.
Forget it.
[scatting]
I can't believe I told his fiancee everything.
Now I'm back in alimony hell. When will this punishment end?
Francine, you have to look at the bright side.
What bright side?
We have to think about the people
whose lives are much worse than yours.
Okay, I knew this guy and he and his wife were having problems.
So his wife moved to California.
When he went out to visit her, the building that they were in
was taken over by terrorists
and it was like everyone was gonna die.
Darby that's "Die Hard."
Tsk. You saw that, too?
It was so sad. I can't work when I'm this upset.
Can I have the day off?
[sighs] No.
You're heartless.
I'm also an idiot for telling Roger's fiancee.
Francine, you put another person's
well-being above your own.
- I'm proud of you. - Oh, shut up.
No. You did the noble thing.
[scoffs] Ron, she knows it was a noble thing
and that doesn't make her feel good.
I know what will make you feel good, Francine.
Here's the bottom line.
You totally screwed up Roger's life.
Every alimony check you send him
takes another chink out of his masculinity.
And that has gotta feel damn good!
Bruce, you're a cold, cynical man.
And that's just what I need right now. Come here.
- Give me a big hug. - I'm here for you, babe.
[scatting]
I sold the shoe back and I got most of the cards.
But I still couldn't afford the ball.
And I know how much it meant to you, dad.
And I'm gonna make it up to you.
No, Trevor. These are yours.
Really? Thanks, dad.
I've got a really great surprise for you that you're gonna love.
[doorbell rings]
That's it. Why don't you answer it?
- Who is it? - Somebody..
I met at the sports show.
Somebody dad's gonna love.
[doorbell rings]
Open it up, dad.
[clears throat]
Everybody, I want you to meet The Say Hey Kid himself
Mr. Willie Mays.
Say hey, Mr. and Mrs. Aimes. Pleased to meet you.
I'm Willie Mays.
Come on now, Willie.
My dad is still a little awed by your presence.
Uh, wait a minute, Trevor. This man is not--
- Rachel-- - Not what?
Not as tall as we thought he'd be.
[scatting]
[laughing]
So, so Mickey and me and Joe Pepitone
put shaving cream in Leo Durocher's bed.
Snowflakes in the further at the Atlanta hillside.
And I'm not gonna tell you what we did
with Krazy Glue and some jockstrap.
[laughing]
Took ol' Joaquin Waah to get out of the squat.
[laughing]
That's funny. Why?
You're just like a regular person.
It's like you're not really
a legendary baseball player at all.
Uh, well, deep down on, we're all really the same, Trevor.
You know, people make too much of stars and heroes.
Uh, are you gonna finish your peas?
Yeah.
Show us the basket catch again, Willie.
Uh, not again. Come on. You kids have to go to bed.
Oh, man!
Well, I gotta show him off anyway.
Uh, do the honors one more time, sir?
It's 1954, the World Series, ladies and gentlemen
the big man, Vic Wertz steps to the play.
The pitch, the swing.
He hits it deep to center!
Willie Mays goes back on it to the wall!
'He's got it! Willie Mays makes the catch!'
And the crowd goes crazy!
[applauding]
Alright, alright. You kids, off to bed.
Thanks for coming by, Willie.
You being here meant a lot to my dad.
- It sure did. - Well, don't mention it.
- Pretty special, huh, dad? - You bet, short stuff.
Why don't you guys show Willie out?
Listen, I had a great time, y'all. Uh, thanks again.
- See you both. - 'Buh-bye.'
So, Ron
are we ever gonna tell Trevor the truth about Willie Mays?
Well, maybe someday. He did go through a lot of trouble for me.
You know, the evening really turned out to be
fun and informative.
I had no idea that the Houston Astros
were named after George Jetson's dog.
[laughs]
What's wrong, Trevor?
That wasn't Willie Mays.
No, son, he wasn't.
- 'Oh, man.' - Son, don't feel bad.
Your heart was in the right place.
You did a really great thing for me.
Now how did you know that wasn't Willie Mays?
He asked me how to spell Willie.
I don't know what I'm doing here.
I don't know anything about sports.
I'm telling you, this is a great place to spend our lunch hour.
I love it!
Hey. Give it a chance, look around.
I'm sure you'll find something you like.
Here we go, little man.
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
There.
Hey, little lady.
- 'You want autograph?' - Sure.
- Hey, aren't you that guy-- - That's right. Mohammad Ali.
"Float like a butterfly. Sting like a scorpion."
[grunting]
You were in that fight, that "Thriller" thing.
No, no, no, no. That was the Jackson boy's video.
Hey, I would love to claim it, but I was not in that one. Okay?
You fought that Frasier guy.
Yeah, right after he left "Cheers."
Yeah.
Here. Mohamm..
Mohamm.. Uh, best wishes. Ali.
Hey. Aren't you--
That's right. Pele.
Soccer been bery bery good to me.
Yes.
Okay P-A-L-A-L-A-A.
[scatting]
[theme music]
[scatting]
[scatting]