Minor Adjustments (1995–1996): Season 1, Episode 5 - Boo! - full transcript
And then we add the mouth.
And we're done.
That's it?
Yeah, what else do you want?
How about a daisy on the cheek?
And a big old puss filled scar.
How about I just fill in a couple of teeth?
Are you guys finished drawing the face?
All done!
Well, thanks for prepping the patient.
Now Dr. Aimes is about to perform some surgery.
[drill buzzing]
Cool, I'll assist.
It's a mess in here.
I need suction.
We need to aspirate the liver.
Give me four CC's of triglycerides STAT.
That's it. No more ER for you.
You know, Ron, we don't have to carve it.
Honey, it's not a real Halloween pumpkin unless it's carved.
Now, let's start with the eyes.
[drill buzzing]
Well, how do you feel about a cyclops?
There's the scar I wanted.
Okay, now for the next step.
- What's that? - Find a new pumpkin.
[theme music]
[scatting]
(man on TV) 'It's now day 14 in the story that has gripped the world.'
'The Saga of three plucky great whales'
'trapped in the ice of the coast of Alaska.'
How long have the whales been trapped?
Fourteen days!
And where are they trapped?
Alaska!
How long have they been trapped?
Emma, I don't think you're old enough to watch the news.
You've got no attention span yet.
Here you go, Trevor.
The perfect topper for your mad scientist costume.
Awesome! It looks just like brains.
[cackles]
Ron, what are you doing?
It is 3 o'clock and our guests are gonna be here soon.
You haven't done anything I've asked.
Relax. The party is gonna be great.
Well, yeah. Because I did everything.
You know, when I agreed to have the office's Halloween party
here at the house. I thought it meant you were helping.
That's not fair.
Who's in charge of all the barbecue
preparations and execution?
Oh, wait, come off it, Ron.
All you do is turn on the propane, throw in some meat
and then wait for someone to tell you it's burning.
For God's sakes Brain Man could do it.
Rachel, is there something else bothering you?
"Ah, yes, my love there is something.
Could you meet me in the kitchen?"
That's what she meant to say.
Okay, what's up?
The past couple days you've been really stressed out.
I don't know how to put this. Ah--
Daddy, Trevor's eating the brains.
So, go tell him to stop.
Uh-uh. I'm not going in there.
He's scarin' me.
Okay, come on.
Why don't you sit here with us and color?
Alright, I'm listenin'. What's up?
Okay, now, how can I put this?
Um, you know, my little biological friend
that comes once a month?
Yeah.
Well, it hasn't shown up yet.
You mean you haven't gotten your pe--
- Shh. - Pension?
Okay. Ahh..
How late are we? One or two days?
Try ten.
But you've been this late before?
Yeah, twice. Emma and Trevor.
So, how you feelin' about it?
Well, you know, however you feel
and I'm...right there with ya.
You're afraid to tell me, aren't you?
This is one of those guy-minefields.
If I say I'm happy and you say you're not..
Boom!
And if I say I'm not happy, and you say you are.
Boom!
Either way, my new nickname is Stumpy.
Ron, this is a big deal.
Wait, let's not get ahead of ourselves.
You should take the home test first.
But the guests are gonna be here soon.
Okay, then we'll just put this out of our minds
and just focus on the party.
You wanna take my car to the pharmacy?
Yeah, be back in a flash.
[scatting]
(man on TV) 'President has just announced that the whales'
'have been given honorary US citizenship.'
'Making them the first ever sea creatures to be so honored.'
'Lucky great whale that whale..'
That whale story is on every channel.
Boy, Wolf Blitzer sure looks cold.
Look, his snort froze to his beard.
We're back!
Daddy, look at all the Halloween candy mommy let me buy.
Ron, I got you that, uh, battery tester you wanted.
Oh, great. Yeah, um..
I left my, uh, batteries in the bathroom.
Mm, well, then I'll go, ah, test them.
Emma, something's up.
Mom and dad never let us go crazy
in the candy section before.
Hey, she was buying.
I wasn't gonna ask questions.
What could they be doing?
I bet they're gonna give me pony.
And let me keep it in my room.
No, don't be silly.
Wait, candy! Batteries! Oh, no.
They're gonna hop us up on candy
and try to harness us for the energy.
[instrumental music]
Well, sorry, my veggie brothers.
But if it's any consolation
you're gonna love the ranch dressing.
[doorbell rings]
Ron, I'm Charlie Chaplin.
- And you are? - I'm a carrot.
Well, I brought the coleslaw. Hop on in.
Oh, The Cat In A Hat.
[chuckles]
Take my coat, sir, if you please.
And by the way I brought the cheese.
Yum. Nacho!
Holay!
[chuckling]
How are those whales doing? Is your TV on?
Oh, God!
Now those hallucinations are happening
during the daytime too.
You know, at least I wore a costume, Bruce.
Unlike you.
I did. See, Bat...man.
So, Ron, where's Rachel?
Oh, she's around.
You guys are in for a treat.
She's making her old family recipe for ham.
(Rachel) 'Ron, I dropped it in the toilet.'
Although it sounds like such a treat
I've just decided to give up meat.
Me too!
It's fine. It was still in the plastic wrapper.
Oh, hi, guys. Great costumes.
Um, did Ron tell you I'm making ham.
- Ahh. - Mm.
[instrumental music]
[scatting]
Ah, you ruined all my fun. What happened to the carrot?
Rachel made me put this on to go with her costume.
Oh, it takes guts to wear that.
Watch dad. See how he keeps looking up the stairs.
Now watch how he puts on a fake smile.
Now watch him lose the smile as he leaves.
'And down!'
He is acting weird.
Hey, look, whales.
Okay, how did the test go?
- W-what was the verdict? - There was no verdict.
The case never went to court. I couldn't go.
- Why not? - Hi!
Well, you know, between the, um
pressure of the situation and the stress of the party..
Ron, you told me you were only inviting a few co-workers.
- Who are all those people? - Wait, wait, wait.
Let's get back to you couldn't go thing.
Wait, I wanna know who invited all these people.
I did.
The turkey was Dr. Haber.
And that hunchback guy I don't know his name
but I invited him because he's really cute.
And once he held the elevator door for me.
Nice hump!
- Very realistic. - Mm-hmm.
Actually, that's not part of the costume.
[sighs]
Ron, I didn't make enough food for this many people.
It'll be fine. The more the merrier.
Oh, sure. The more the merrier.
So what if I gained 50 pounds, throw up for months
and then lactate like a stuffed cow.
We're not talking about the party anymore, are we?
Look, we just need to talk...privately.
Okay, just let me get some stuff off the grill
and I'll-I'll meet you in the bathroom in five minutes.
[instrumental music]
Here you go. Chug this.
Ron, I can't drink all of that.
I don't get why you can't go.
You always need to go.
You never sat through a whole movie.
We've never made it through a whole car trip.
You've never even made it out the driveway.
And now, it's like you swallowed a cork.
Well, maybe I'm just afraid of the results.
Look, honey, it's either blue dot or no blue dot.
And then we'll take it from there. I-it's simple.
Ron, it is not a blue dot. It's a child.
A third child, which means another bedroom, a bigger house.
Another college tuition.
You know, I've been thinking about
going back to work full time.
But with the new baby I'd have to stay home.
And of course with the new baby
I need to work full time to make the ends meet.
You're right.
I hadn't thought of it that way.
Well, it's just for 11 years we planned on two kids
and they're wonderful.
But a third might be too much.
Look, I don't wanna think about this right now.
Let's just go back downstairs and mingle
and if the mood hits me
I'll come back up and take the test.
Okay. Did you try thinking about the ocean?
Tried it.
Stick your hand in warm water?
Tried it!
♪ Row row row your boat ♪
Tried it! Tried it! Tried it!
[door squeaks]
Well, this is just great.
I barely survive and you're showin' up.
I think a new baby would be fun.
I can take her rides on my new pony.
Emma, you're not getting a pony.
And with another kid
you wouldn't be getting much of anything else either.
- So, I don't need that much. - But I do.
I'm very high maintenance.
I don't care. I want a little sister.
Let's name her Ralph.
You just don't get it.
Trevor, how are babies made?
Umm, well, it's complicated.
But basically mom got fat, ate like a pig and you showed up.
[instrumental music]
[glass clinks]
Gather around everyone and listen to our host.
As he imparts to us this Halloween toast.
[chuckling]
I hate your costume.
Whatever, you little tramp.
A toast, a toast to all of you for coming
and celebrating with us this Halloween.
- Cheers! - Cheers!
And to Ron and Rachel
for making us all feel so welcome.
- Aww. - Thank you, Rachel.
And here's to Moby, Whittie, and Tiny.
May all the harpooners throw like girls.
- Mommy, can I make a toast? - Sure, sweetie.
A toast to the new baby mommy's gonna have.
I hope it's a girl.
[instrumental music]
Goodbye. Drive safe.
Do you want some help cleaning up?
Oh, sure. Thanks.
Just give me a sec. I need to go to the bathroom.
Did you hear what I just said?
I think so. Say it again.
I need to go to the bathroom.
[cheering]
Go, Rachel!
(all) Go, Rachel! Go, Rachel!
Oh, oh, oh.
[clears throat]
In her eye, I saw a twinkle.
As she ran upstairs to make a tinkle.
Okay, that's it. Take that frickin' hat off.
So, are you pregnant?
I don't know.
Somebody, my husband
left the test on the radiator and it melted.
Ron, you gotta go to the store and get me another test.
Trevor, why don't you go with your dad
so you can understand what's going on here.
Ron, I think I'm gonna go with you.
I gotta head down to Greenpeace and offer my services.
[scoffs] Come on, Bruce.
You on the ice floes of Alaska?
I'll have you know I can brave the elements.
I'm impervious to cold and I'm rugged.
Owie! Gas pain!
Come on. Help me choose a pregnancy test.
There's gotta be a million of 'em.
That one!
That one's supposed to be good?
I don't know, I only chose it
because it has a picture of Paula Newman on it.
- What? - Oh, wait!
Oh, sorry, someone put popcorn back in the wrong place.
Dr. Hampton, I was just in the appliance section.
And I heard that there's gonna be
a musical tribute to the whales.
Don't tease me, son.
Yes, it's being done by Yanni, Kenny G.
and a couple of other guys who suck.
Ron, this is once in a lifetime opportunity to see..
So, Trevor, how are you feeling about this?
I think a new baby is a big mistake.
Well, it's nice to see you're open minded.
I'm only thinking of Emma.
With the new baby, she'll become
the badly adjusted middle child.
I'd hate to see her robbin' convenience stores.
I don't think you're worried about Emma.
I think you're afraid there won't be enough
love to go around.
Maybe just a little.
Did you love mom and me before Emma was born?
Yeah!
Did you love Emma when she was born?
Yeah!
Did you love your mom and me any less
'cause you gave Emma some more love?
- No. - No!
It's the same with parents.
Everybody's got a little factory inside of them.
And all it does is produce love.
So, when another kid comes around
the factory just starts up making sure they don't run out.
That's nice, dad. Corny, but nice.
The musical tribute was beautiful.
Until one of the whales surfaced too quickly
and washed away Paul Simon.
[instrumental music]
Thanks!
Mommy, can I have some coffee?
No, honey. You wouldn't like it.
It's bitter and it burns your mouth.
Then why do you drink it?
'Cause we're addicted, dear.
Yeah, first thing in the morning
I'd sell my corneas for a cup.
That's the way I feel about apple juice.
That is one cute kid.
Yeah, but she and Trevor are a handful
and I only have two hands.
If you had a third kid, you need three hands.
And if you had a third hand, you'd hate me
'cause I know I'd be staring at you all the time.
So I gather you're not looking forward
to the possibility of having a third kid.
- Not now. - I don't want kids either.
Even if Nostradamus is wrong and the world doesn't end in 1999.
There are plenty of other good reasons
why not to have children.
More compelling than Nostradamus?
Get outta town!
Yeah!
First, there are like four cups of ozone left.
Second, more people are killed in the United States
in a week, than have tried Zima in a year.
[scoffs]
And third, according to Ben and Jerry
the rain forests are in real trouble.
I think you're lucky, Rachel.
I mean, I have a 16 year old daughter I would have loved to
have had another kid but I guess it's just not in the cards.
Emma is growing up and she's gonna be starting school soon.
Oh, there is nothing like holding a baby in your arms.
- Oh, you know what I love? - Mm?
That plasticky sound the diapers make when baby start walking.
Aww. And their skin is so soft.
But you know what else is great?
- Mm? - That clean baby smell.
[both inhaling]
[both exhales]
[instrumental music]
Ron!
Did you ever get that
well, that not so fresh feeling?
Wow, this one only takes three minutes.
Three minutes, huh?
Try to picture your life changing that quickly.
I'm picturing it right now.
I tell you, man, it's tough being a dad.
Everything that happens to your kid happens to you double.
If he tries something and fails
as the parent it affects you twice as badly.
Yeah, but when he tries and then succeeds
I bet you feel that doubled too?
Yeah, you're right.
I remember when Emma rode her bike for the first time.
When Trevor got into the gifted school.
I got some pretty amazing kids.
- I know! - Help, dad.
I'm stuck in a baby seat.
[crashing]
(Trevor) 'I'm okay!'
'Clean up in aisle six!'
[instrumental music]
(man on TV) 'And with one final break of the ice'
'the whales are set free.'
- Bravo! - Yay!
(man on TV) 'Yes, the world waves goodbye to the whales'
'as they head off to open water.'
'Goodbye, whales.'
[sighs] We're back!
Hey, how'd it go?
Ah, it went okay.
A woman in line behind me asked if I was a Mormon.
[chuckling]
Well, I'll pick one out.
So, we miss anything while we were gone?
Yup, the whales were set free.
What? I missed it?
Oh, sorry, Bruce.
You know, I don't think I'll ever
see anything like that again.
Oh, no, that was a once in a lifetime type of thing.
Wait, wait, wait, maybe it's still being covered.
(man on TV) 'Oh, it's creepy, it's scary.'
'Come to the house of spookiness.'
'Free mashed potatoes with every coupon.'
'But coupons will not be honored.'
[laughing]
Come on, everybody.
I think this family wants to be alone.
Great. I missed the news event of the century.
I wonder which whale will hit open waters first.
I bet it was Moby, he's so aggressive.
Then again that's why he's such an independent spirit.
You can't count on what he's gonna do.
- Come on, Darby. - Coming.
Bye. See you guys.
- Buh-bye! - Bye!
(Darby) 'See you, bye.'
Okay, it's done.
Now all we have to do is just wait
a few more seconds for the result.
Mom, I want you to know that
whatever the result I'll support you
even if it means Emma sharing the room with the baby.
So, you nervous?
Actually, I'm excited.
So am I.
I think we can really make this work.
And there's always room in the backseat for a third.
[giggles]
Okay, here we go.
It's negative.
I'm not pregnant.
No baby?
No baby!
Too bad!
[sighs]
So, how you feelin'?
Nah-uh. I'm not stepping in that minefield.
What, come on, you can tell me.
Pretty good.
Pretty good?
Boom!
[theme music]
I can't believe you dragged me here during lunch hour for this.
Don't be embarrassed, Rachel needs 'em.
I'll just be a minute.
Oh, now I can't remember which one's to get.
Oh, look, what does she want regular
Maxi, super absorbent. Come on.
How do you know about tampons?
Have you seen the women in those ads? Woo!
Well, I think it's these or
or maybe these.
Look, look, look, please just pick one and keep walking.
I don't wanna be seen buying these things.
I can't believe you get embarrassed by this
and not by the fact that you buy your sneakers
out of a bin at a supermarket.
For the last time.
I have a wide foot and they're the only place in town
you can buy 'em in widths.
Look, I just don't feel comfortable with this stuff.
Okay?
You know, one day you're gonna have a wife
and you're gonna have to do this kind of stuff.
Now is the time for you to get over
your fear of buying tampons.
You know, you're right.
I gotta butch up.
[sighs]
- Hi. - Hi!
I'm Bruce Hampton. And I'm buying these tampons.
[sirens wailing]
Congratulations!
You're our 100,000th customer.
Come on, show everyone what you bought.
[scatting]
[theme music]
And we're done.
That's it?
Yeah, what else do you want?
How about a daisy on the cheek?
And a big old puss filled scar.
How about I just fill in a couple of teeth?
Are you guys finished drawing the face?
All done!
Well, thanks for prepping the patient.
Now Dr. Aimes is about to perform some surgery.
[drill buzzing]
Cool, I'll assist.
It's a mess in here.
I need suction.
We need to aspirate the liver.
Give me four CC's of triglycerides STAT.
That's it. No more ER for you.
You know, Ron, we don't have to carve it.
Honey, it's not a real Halloween pumpkin unless it's carved.
Now, let's start with the eyes.
[drill buzzing]
Well, how do you feel about a cyclops?
There's the scar I wanted.
Okay, now for the next step.
- What's that? - Find a new pumpkin.
[theme music]
[scatting]
(man on TV) 'It's now day 14 in the story that has gripped the world.'
'The Saga of three plucky great whales'
'trapped in the ice of the coast of Alaska.'
How long have the whales been trapped?
Fourteen days!
And where are they trapped?
Alaska!
How long have they been trapped?
Emma, I don't think you're old enough to watch the news.
You've got no attention span yet.
Here you go, Trevor.
The perfect topper for your mad scientist costume.
Awesome! It looks just like brains.
[cackles]
Ron, what are you doing?
It is 3 o'clock and our guests are gonna be here soon.
You haven't done anything I've asked.
Relax. The party is gonna be great.
Well, yeah. Because I did everything.
You know, when I agreed to have the office's Halloween party
here at the house. I thought it meant you were helping.
That's not fair.
Who's in charge of all the barbecue
preparations and execution?
Oh, wait, come off it, Ron.
All you do is turn on the propane, throw in some meat
and then wait for someone to tell you it's burning.
For God's sakes Brain Man could do it.
Rachel, is there something else bothering you?
"Ah, yes, my love there is something.
Could you meet me in the kitchen?"
That's what she meant to say.
Okay, what's up?
The past couple days you've been really stressed out.
I don't know how to put this. Ah--
Daddy, Trevor's eating the brains.
So, go tell him to stop.
Uh-uh. I'm not going in there.
He's scarin' me.
Okay, come on.
Why don't you sit here with us and color?
Alright, I'm listenin'. What's up?
Okay, now, how can I put this?
Um, you know, my little biological friend
that comes once a month?
Yeah.
Well, it hasn't shown up yet.
You mean you haven't gotten your pe--
- Shh. - Pension?
Okay. Ahh..
How late are we? One or two days?
Try ten.
But you've been this late before?
Yeah, twice. Emma and Trevor.
So, how you feelin' about it?
Well, you know, however you feel
and I'm...right there with ya.
You're afraid to tell me, aren't you?
This is one of those guy-minefields.
If I say I'm happy and you say you're not..
Boom!
And if I say I'm not happy, and you say you are.
Boom!
Either way, my new nickname is Stumpy.
Ron, this is a big deal.
Wait, let's not get ahead of ourselves.
You should take the home test first.
But the guests are gonna be here soon.
Okay, then we'll just put this out of our minds
and just focus on the party.
You wanna take my car to the pharmacy?
Yeah, be back in a flash.
[scatting]
(man on TV) 'President has just announced that the whales'
'have been given honorary US citizenship.'
'Making them the first ever sea creatures to be so honored.'
'Lucky great whale that whale..'
That whale story is on every channel.
Boy, Wolf Blitzer sure looks cold.
Look, his snort froze to his beard.
We're back!
Daddy, look at all the Halloween candy mommy let me buy.
Ron, I got you that, uh, battery tester you wanted.
Oh, great. Yeah, um..
I left my, uh, batteries in the bathroom.
Mm, well, then I'll go, ah, test them.
Emma, something's up.
Mom and dad never let us go crazy
in the candy section before.
Hey, she was buying.
I wasn't gonna ask questions.
What could they be doing?
I bet they're gonna give me pony.
And let me keep it in my room.
No, don't be silly.
Wait, candy! Batteries! Oh, no.
They're gonna hop us up on candy
and try to harness us for the energy.
[instrumental music]
Well, sorry, my veggie brothers.
But if it's any consolation
you're gonna love the ranch dressing.
[doorbell rings]
Ron, I'm Charlie Chaplin.
- And you are? - I'm a carrot.
Well, I brought the coleslaw. Hop on in.
Oh, The Cat In A Hat.
[chuckles]
Take my coat, sir, if you please.
And by the way I brought the cheese.
Yum. Nacho!
Holay!
[chuckling]
How are those whales doing? Is your TV on?
Oh, God!
Now those hallucinations are happening
during the daytime too.
You know, at least I wore a costume, Bruce.
Unlike you.
I did. See, Bat...man.
So, Ron, where's Rachel?
Oh, she's around.
You guys are in for a treat.
She's making her old family recipe for ham.
(Rachel) 'Ron, I dropped it in the toilet.'
Although it sounds like such a treat
I've just decided to give up meat.
Me too!
It's fine. It was still in the plastic wrapper.
Oh, hi, guys. Great costumes.
Um, did Ron tell you I'm making ham.
- Ahh. - Mm.
[instrumental music]
[scatting]
Ah, you ruined all my fun. What happened to the carrot?
Rachel made me put this on to go with her costume.
Oh, it takes guts to wear that.
Watch dad. See how he keeps looking up the stairs.
Now watch how he puts on a fake smile.
Now watch him lose the smile as he leaves.
'And down!'
He is acting weird.
Hey, look, whales.
Okay, how did the test go?
- W-what was the verdict? - There was no verdict.
The case never went to court. I couldn't go.
- Why not? - Hi!
Well, you know, between the, um
pressure of the situation and the stress of the party..
Ron, you told me you were only inviting a few co-workers.
- Who are all those people? - Wait, wait, wait.
Let's get back to you couldn't go thing.
Wait, I wanna know who invited all these people.
I did.
The turkey was Dr. Haber.
And that hunchback guy I don't know his name
but I invited him because he's really cute.
And once he held the elevator door for me.
Nice hump!
- Very realistic. - Mm-hmm.
Actually, that's not part of the costume.
[sighs]
Ron, I didn't make enough food for this many people.
It'll be fine. The more the merrier.
Oh, sure. The more the merrier.
So what if I gained 50 pounds, throw up for months
and then lactate like a stuffed cow.
We're not talking about the party anymore, are we?
Look, we just need to talk...privately.
Okay, just let me get some stuff off the grill
and I'll-I'll meet you in the bathroom in five minutes.
[instrumental music]
Here you go. Chug this.
Ron, I can't drink all of that.
I don't get why you can't go.
You always need to go.
You never sat through a whole movie.
We've never made it through a whole car trip.
You've never even made it out the driveway.
And now, it's like you swallowed a cork.
Well, maybe I'm just afraid of the results.
Look, honey, it's either blue dot or no blue dot.
And then we'll take it from there. I-it's simple.
Ron, it is not a blue dot. It's a child.
A third child, which means another bedroom, a bigger house.
Another college tuition.
You know, I've been thinking about
going back to work full time.
But with the new baby I'd have to stay home.
And of course with the new baby
I need to work full time to make the ends meet.
You're right.
I hadn't thought of it that way.
Well, it's just for 11 years we planned on two kids
and they're wonderful.
But a third might be too much.
Look, I don't wanna think about this right now.
Let's just go back downstairs and mingle
and if the mood hits me
I'll come back up and take the test.
Okay. Did you try thinking about the ocean?
Tried it.
Stick your hand in warm water?
Tried it!
♪ Row row row your boat ♪
Tried it! Tried it! Tried it!
[door squeaks]
Well, this is just great.
I barely survive and you're showin' up.
I think a new baby would be fun.
I can take her rides on my new pony.
Emma, you're not getting a pony.
And with another kid
you wouldn't be getting much of anything else either.
- So, I don't need that much. - But I do.
I'm very high maintenance.
I don't care. I want a little sister.
Let's name her Ralph.
You just don't get it.
Trevor, how are babies made?
Umm, well, it's complicated.
But basically mom got fat, ate like a pig and you showed up.
[instrumental music]
[glass clinks]
Gather around everyone and listen to our host.
As he imparts to us this Halloween toast.
[chuckling]
I hate your costume.
Whatever, you little tramp.
A toast, a toast to all of you for coming
and celebrating with us this Halloween.
- Cheers! - Cheers!
And to Ron and Rachel
for making us all feel so welcome.
- Aww. - Thank you, Rachel.
And here's to Moby, Whittie, and Tiny.
May all the harpooners throw like girls.
- Mommy, can I make a toast? - Sure, sweetie.
A toast to the new baby mommy's gonna have.
I hope it's a girl.
[instrumental music]
Goodbye. Drive safe.
Do you want some help cleaning up?
Oh, sure. Thanks.
Just give me a sec. I need to go to the bathroom.
Did you hear what I just said?
I think so. Say it again.
I need to go to the bathroom.
[cheering]
Go, Rachel!
(all) Go, Rachel! Go, Rachel!
Oh, oh, oh.
[clears throat]
In her eye, I saw a twinkle.
As she ran upstairs to make a tinkle.
Okay, that's it. Take that frickin' hat off.
So, are you pregnant?
I don't know.
Somebody, my husband
left the test on the radiator and it melted.
Ron, you gotta go to the store and get me another test.
Trevor, why don't you go with your dad
so you can understand what's going on here.
Ron, I think I'm gonna go with you.
I gotta head down to Greenpeace and offer my services.
[scoffs] Come on, Bruce.
You on the ice floes of Alaska?
I'll have you know I can brave the elements.
I'm impervious to cold and I'm rugged.
Owie! Gas pain!
Come on. Help me choose a pregnancy test.
There's gotta be a million of 'em.
That one!
That one's supposed to be good?
I don't know, I only chose it
because it has a picture of Paula Newman on it.
- What? - Oh, wait!
Oh, sorry, someone put popcorn back in the wrong place.
Dr. Hampton, I was just in the appliance section.
And I heard that there's gonna be
a musical tribute to the whales.
Don't tease me, son.
Yes, it's being done by Yanni, Kenny G.
and a couple of other guys who suck.
Ron, this is once in a lifetime opportunity to see..
So, Trevor, how are you feeling about this?
I think a new baby is a big mistake.
Well, it's nice to see you're open minded.
I'm only thinking of Emma.
With the new baby, she'll become
the badly adjusted middle child.
I'd hate to see her robbin' convenience stores.
I don't think you're worried about Emma.
I think you're afraid there won't be enough
love to go around.
Maybe just a little.
Did you love mom and me before Emma was born?
Yeah!
Did you love Emma when she was born?
Yeah!
Did you love your mom and me any less
'cause you gave Emma some more love?
- No. - No!
It's the same with parents.
Everybody's got a little factory inside of them.
And all it does is produce love.
So, when another kid comes around
the factory just starts up making sure they don't run out.
That's nice, dad. Corny, but nice.
The musical tribute was beautiful.
Until one of the whales surfaced too quickly
and washed away Paul Simon.
[instrumental music]
Thanks!
Mommy, can I have some coffee?
No, honey. You wouldn't like it.
It's bitter and it burns your mouth.
Then why do you drink it?
'Cause we're addicted, dear.
Yeah, first thing in the morning
I'd sell my corneas for a cup.
That's the way I feel about apple juice.
That is one cute kid.
Yeah, but she and Trevor are a handful
and I only have two hands.
If you had a third kid, you need three hands.
And if you had a third hand, you'd hate me
'cause I know I'd be staring at you all the time.
So I gather you're not looking forward
to the possibility of having a third kid.
- Not now. - I don't want kids either.
Even if Nostradamus is wrong and the world doesn't end in 1999.
There are plenty of other good reasons
why not to have children.
More compelling than Nostradamus?
Get outta town!
Yeah!
First, there are like four cups of ozone left.
Second, more people are killed in the United States
in a week, than have tried Zima in a year.
[scoffs]
And third, according to Ben and Jerry
the rain forests are in real trouble.
I think you're lucky, Rachel.
I mean, I have a 16 year old daughter I would have loved to
have had another kid but I guess it's just not in the cards.
Emma is growing up and she's gonna be starting school soon.
Oh, there is nothing like holding a baby in your arms.
- Oh, you know what I love? - Mm?
That plasticky sound the diapers make when baby start walking.
Aww. And their skin is so soft.
But you know what else is great?
- Mm? - That clean baby smell.
[both inhaling]
[both exhales]
[instrumental music]
Ron!
Did you ever get that
well, that not so fresh feeling?
Wow, this one only takes three minutes.
Three minutes, huh?
Try to picture your life changing that quickly.
I'm picturing it right now.
I tell you, man, it's tough being a dad.
Everything that happens to your kid happens to you double.
If he tries something and fails
as the parent it affects you twice as badly.
Yeah, but when he tries and then succeeds
I bet you feel that doubled too?
Yeah, you're right.
I remember when Emma rode her bike for the first time.
When Trevor got into the gifted school.
I got some pretty amazing kids.
- I know! - Help, dad.
I'm stuck in a baby seat.
[crashing]
(Trevor) 'I'm okay!'
'Clean up in aisle six!'
[instrumental music]
(man on TV) 'And with one final break of the ice'
'the whales are set free.'
- Bravo! - Yay!
(man on TV) 'Yes, the world waves goodbye to the whales'
'as they head off to open water.'
'Goodbye, whales.'
[sighs] We're back!
Hey, how'd it go?
Ah, it went okay.
A woman in line behind me asked if I was a Mormon.
[chuckling]
Well, I'll pick one out.
So, we miss anything while we were gone?
Yup, the whales were set free.
What? I missed it?
Oh, sorry, Bruce.
You know, I don't think I'll ever
see anything like that again.
Oh, no, that was a once in a lifetime type of thing.
Wait, wait, wait, maybe it's still being covered.
(man on TV) 'Oh, it's creepy, it's scary.'
'Come to the house of spookiness.'
'Free mashed potatoes with every coupon.'
'But coupons will not be honored.'
[laughing]
Come on, everybody.
I think this family wants to be alone.
Great. I missed the news event of the century.
I wonder which whale will hit open waters first.
I bet it was Moby, he's so aggressive.
Then again that's why he's such an independent spirit.
You can't count on what he's gonna do.
- Come on, Darby. - Coming.
Bye. See you guys.
- Buh-bye! - Bye!
(Darby) 'See you, bye.'
Okay, it's done.
Now all we have to do is just wait
a few more seconds for the result.
Mom, I want you to know that
whatever the result I'll support you
even if it means Emma sharing the room with the baby.
So, you nervous?
Actually, I'm excited.
So am I.
I think we can really make this work.
And there's always room in the backseat for a third.
[giggles]
Okay, here we go.
It's negative.
I'm not pregnant.
No baby?
No baby!
Too bad!
[sighs]
So, how you feelin'?
Nah-uh. I'm not stepping in that minefield.
What, come on, you can tell me.
Pretty good.
Pretty good?
Boom!
[theme music]
I can't believe you dragged me here during lunch hour for this.
Don't be embarrassed, Rachel needs 'em.
I'll just be a minute.
Oh, now I can't remember which one's to get.
Oh, look, what does she want regular
Maxi, super absorbent. Come on.
How do you know about tampons?
Have you seen the women in those ads? Woo!
Well, I think it's these or
or maybe these.
Look, look, look, please just pick one and keep walking.
I don't wanna be seen buying these things.
I can't believe you get embarrassed by this
and not by the fact that you buy your sneakers
out of a bin at a supermarket.
For the last time.
I have a wide foot and they're the only place in town
you can buy 'em in widths.
Look, I just don't feel comfortable with this stuff.
Okay?
You know, one day you're gonna have a wife
and you're gonna have to do this kind of stuff.
Now is the time for you to get over
your fear of buying tampons.
You know, you're right.
I gotta butch up.
[sighs]
- Hi. - Hi!
I'm Bruce Hampton. And I'm buying these tampons.
[sirens wailing]
Congratulations!
You're our 100,000th customer.
Come on, show everyone what you bought.
[scatting]
[theme music]