Minor Adjustments (1995–1996): Season 1, Episode 3 - Coach Ron - full transcript
So tell me why you don't wanna go to school, Evan.
I have to take a test.
So, what's so scary about this particular test?
If I fail, I can fail the whole class
then I'll never get into the best elementary school.
You shouldn't be worried about that.
If I don't get into the best elementary school
I'll never get into the best junior high or high school
then may as well forget about Harvard.
Wow, when I was your age, I was still eating paste
actually I never stopped.
Paste?
Ah, see, you laughed, that's good.
That's what kids are supposed to do at your age
you should be reading comic books
turning your eyelids inside out.
Blowing milk out your nose.
But I'm lactose intolerant.
Okay, we'll start with something simpler, stand up.
Raise your right hand
'inserted onto your left armpit and flat vigorously.'
Works even better under your shirt.
- You do this stuff all day? - Yep.
Who needs Harvard, I can be a psychologist.
[theme music]
[scatting]
[scatting]
Is Trevor here yet?
I have to find out the score of that game.
Since when are you so interested in Trevor's soccer team?
Since I became a team sponsor.
We're undefeated, and for the first time
I'm part of a winning team.
I never experienced that as a kid.
Call it bad luck, call it fate, call it..
Running like a girl?
You know, you don't know what it's like
always getting picked last.
Never getting to play even though you brought the ball.
For years I thought my name was "Oh-no-Hamptons-up."
Bruce, don't you think it's a little self-serving
that you're sponsoring a team just because they're winners?
Hey, I sponsored that kid from "save the children"
for five years and he hasn't won a damn thing.
So, did we win?
Did I play?
Yes. Still undefeated.
It's good to see you too, Bruce.
Yeah, right. So what was the score?
- Five-nothin'. - Oh.
Emma, don't bother Darby.
Oh, no, she's no bother.
She's gonna help me with my filing.
Go.
Hey, how was the game?
I'll tell you how the game was
they won five-zero and that coach
still made them run laps afterwards.
- That's not fair. - I know.
I score three goals, I should've been on the sidelines
eating orange wedges and talking to the ladies.
Ron, I've had enough of that Coach Hauser
he's mean to the kids and he's rude to the parents
and I got a good mind to get..
Hey, what ladies were you talking to?
Why don't we take this inside?
- Good idea. Let's go. - Bruce.
I, I am the team sponsor.
This is for parents to discuss.
Fine, fine, but if you thought about getting a personal trainer
no, no, no, wait, wait, I have the number of this guy Deter.
In three weeks Trevor could have calves like hams
and it's totally legal.
- Goodbye, Bruce. - Okay, okay, okay.
Then tell me, with a little training
that boys of yours could be a huge soccer star someday
like Pele or...Pele.
Just look at Trevor.
It's kind of nice, it's too warm out there as for any money.
Why are we standing here talking
when I need to be screaming at that coach?
I'm gonna call him.
Honey, I think you're over reacting.
Over reacting? Ron, he's running the kids ragged.
Oh, and now, now he wants to start
a second practice at 6:00 a.m.
That's right.
Trevor Aimes does not wake up at 6:00 a.m. for anybody.
Trevor Aimes sleeps late and wins games. Trevor--
Trevor Aimes better cut that out.
Cuttin' it out.
Rachel, let me handle this.
Why? Because you're a psychologist?
Well, I do conducts seminars in conflict resolution
and between the two of us
I'm the only one who hasn't punched out a cabbie.
Dad, that's why mom should handle it.
Alright, Ron, you talk to him. Let's go, Trevor.
Hey, mom, can we take a cab home?
Come on, Emma.
This was fun, Darby.
When I grow up, I wanna have a job just like yours.
Uh, no, you don't want this job.
You have to make lots of sacrifices.
Like...you have to watch "Ricki Lake"
on the TV this big.
Uh, you are so right, girlfriend
your mama dresses way too sexy.
[scatting]
So, Ron, have you decided what you gonna say
to Coach Houser when he gets here?
Yeah, he's gonna say "You're fired.
Don't let the door hit you in the butt on the way out."
I'm not gonna fire anybody. I'm handling it my way.
I'm gonna sit here, he's gonna sit there
so he doesn't feel intimidated.
You were going about this all wrong.
You sit here and he sits here.
Come on, Rachel.
Houser and I are two individuals with conflicting points of view
and I'm going to peacefully bring us to a middle ground.
And when you get to that middle ground
and he turns his back
hit him with this.
Rachel, let me handle this.
- Start talking, I'm here. - Thanks for coming.
Yeah, great.
You, get to bed.
I need you alert for the 6:00 a.m. chalk-talk.
Sir, yes, sir!
That's the kind of speed I wanna see on the field, Number 11.
Coach Hauser, can I--
Ah, Mrs. Aimes, good to see you.
- Mm-hm. - Coffee, black.
Not instant. I can tell.
Really? Well, I can tell you a couple of things.
Uh, honey, uh, why don't you let me handle this?
What's this all about, Aimes?
Well, I can sum it up in one word, pickles.
What?
When I was a kid, I used to love pickles
I-I love deal-pickles sour-pickles, half-sour-pickle
sour-pickle, kosher-pickles.
My name is Ron and I'm a pickle-holic.
- There's a point? - Yes, I'm getting to it.
So one day my mother catches me eating pickle before dinner.
"Ah, you eating those pickles
you'll spoil your appetite, you knucklehead."
So she decided to teach me a lesson.
That evening for dinner, pickles.
In the morning for breakfast, pickles.
I go to school, open my lunch pail, pickles.
- For dessert.. - Let me guess, cake?
Yogurt with pickles on the bottom.
Who cares?
You're doing to soccer what my mother did the pickles.
These kids aren't having any fun.
Fun?
Aimes, if you want these kids to have fun
let them play with fire.
- I'm here to coach soccer. - You're taking this too far.
Look, if you have something to say, say it.
Save your shrink speak for your junior whackos.
There's no need to insult my patients.
You don't know anything about what I do.
You don't know anything about what I do.
You're just a whiner who's wasting your time of a winner.
Who the hell do you think you are?
You're not fit to be around my kid or anybody else's kids.
Look, if that's what you feel, don't come to the games.
You don't understand, I'm not giving you a choice
I'm telling you, ease up on these kids.
No one coach as a coach.
Find yourself another sucker to push around. I quit.
Way to go, dad.
I heard everything, and if it makes you feel any better
I would have done exactly what you did.
Except she would've cold cock him with that chair.
So now what do you wanna do? The team needs a coach.
I guess I could coach.
Yeah, mom, dad can do it. He's great with kids.
But your father doesn't know anything about soccer.
What do you mean? I watch soccer on television.
It's just an hour of guys running up and down the field
kicking a soccer ball
and they scored, like, one goal the whole game
and the crowd riots.
Mom, he doesn't have to know anything about soccer
all he have to do is get the ball to me.
Ron, do you remember what happened
when you were my Lamaze coach?
Yeah, but it'll be different this time.
I know sports, I'm a good athlete
and there's no placenta involved.
Okay, you got me, Coach Ron.
Alright, dad, welcome to the team.
Now, there are few things that all coach never get straight
first, I do not do one sprints
second, forget Trevor, my name's Prime Time.
Third, I wrote this pep talk I wanna give the team.
Fourth, when I show up to a game
I wanna hear "Eye of The Tiger."
Bruce, nobody's getting any special treatment.
That's a good rule, too
but you should really reconsider this pep talk
I'm telling you, it's perfect to motivate kids
very inspirational, I call it
"Win, or I'll kill Santa Claus."
- Hey, dad. - Hey, guys.
- Hello, Dr. Aimes. - Hi.
Hey, Dr. Aimes. Cool fish tank.
What do you call the weird one that just sits there
and doesn't do anything?
Oh, that's Darby.
Well, dad, we're here.
Where's the rest of the team?
We are the team, me you know, I score the goals.
This is Julie, she's the best defender in the league
we call her "The Wall."
- And Duncan? - His mom drove.
That's not fair, I'm essential to the team.
I'm a statistician.
Keeps him busy while he's warming the bench.
Well things with me are gonna be different.
Everybody plays, everybody wins.
And everybody gets a shot at every position.
Wow, wow, hold up. Prime Time plays all the time.
Look, Prime Time, everybody gets a chance.
That way even if you lose, you win
whereas before you lost even when you won.
- You follow me? - I'm with you, dad.
Just give me the first half to warm up the score
then I'll watch the rest of the game on the sidelines
while I kick it with the ladies.
You mean I'm going to get to play goalie?
If you want, yes.
Finally a chance to test out my cup.
[clamoring]
Alright, who wants.. Who wants pepperoni?
[clamoring]
You did it. What was the score?
- Seven-nothing. - Wow, you slaughtered them.
No, we lost.
Ron, am I missing something here?
Well, at the first game, we're a little disorganized
but everybody played, everybody had a great time?
(all) Yeah!
I even scored a goal.
I thought you said they beat you seven-nothing.
He did it would have been six-nothing
if Duncan hadn't booted one past our goalie.
Why, I've never seen a happy losing team.
Well, just wait till they start winning and they will
I know I still got a lot to learn
but I haven't seen this team this happy in a long, long time.
This sucks.
We're only down two to zero
he makes a bunch of bonus substitution
and we gave up five more goals.
If he hadn't made the substitutions
everybody wouldn't have been able to play.
Duncan, everybody playing is a good idea in theory
but it falls apart when everybody actually plays.
Look, with my dad, when we lose, we get to eat pizza
the old coach would've made us eat the game ball.
We should get my dad a chance.
- Team vote. - Aye.
Good, after all there's only one loss.
Five losses. I used to like pizza.
Now every bite taste like battle of feat.
Last game of the season is coming up.
If we lose it, we'll lose the championship.
What are we gonna do?
All on favor of Trevor firing his father say aye.
(all) Aye.
- My own dad. Why me? - You're the captain.
All in favor of Duncan being the new captain, say aye.
- Aye! - Aye!
Do it, Trevor.
Mom, can I talk to you, it's about dad?
I think I have some expertise on that subject.
Actually it's not about dad as dad
it's about dad as coach.
- What's up with the coach? - He stinks.
Wait a minute, now I know you guys have been
losing a lot lately but what makes you think
it's your dad's fault?
Let me put it this way
dad wasn't the coach, we won
dad is the coach, we lose.
Ergo, he stinks.
Now the team wants me to fire him.
So what you going to do?
I figure I'd get you up to speed
and let you take from there.
- See you. - Wow! Wow! Wow!
Wait a minute so you would think
you could just pass this off on me?
Dad says it's important to pass.
Nice try but this is something you should do it yourself.
Oh, man, I knew you were gonna say that.
That's because you know I'm right.
Okay but what if daddy can't handle it?
Your dad's a strong, reasonable man.
I think he can handle it.
I hope so 'cause I haven't seen daddy cried
since he passed that stone.
So, what's been bothering you, Patrick?
I don't know.
How you've been with your parent?
I don't know.
Is there anything you want to talk about?
I don't know.
Hm, detached, unresponsive, withdrawal, this is fascinating
very interesting syndrome.
Really want to write you to the journals about it.
So, like what do I have?
I don't know.
- What's Bruce doing? - Uh, well, he's really mad.
He's waiting to talk to Ron
about the soccer team's losing streak.
And what are you doing?
I've been watching him pace for the last 20 minutes.
Isn't that boring?
No, actually, it's really cool if you hum
the "Baby Elephant Walk."
Watch.
[humming "Baby Elephant Walk"]
No, really, try it.
[humming "Baby Elephant Walk"]
[humming continues]
Don't you two have something better to do?
No, I did but now that I've tried this
I think I'll rearranged my whole schedule around.
[humming "Baby Elephant Walk"]
You don't understand, okay?
Ron is destroying my dream, he's gotta go.
Uh, I mean I was on the road to achieving
a major childhood fantasy and now this this losing streak
is ruining it.
You're saying that your dreams could be achieved
with a bunch of nine-year-olds winning some soccer games?
No, not all my dreams, I'll still be dreaming of
seeing you with flowers in your hair
naked against the summer sky.
Bruce.
Right before the natives hurl you into the volcano.
That's better.
- See you next week. - See you.
Um Ron, I really got to talk to you.
Dad, I really got to talk to you.
Sure, come on in, Trevor.
Hey, I, I was here first.
He's my son.
And your point would be..
So, you looking forward to the big game tomorrow?
I guess.
That's okay if you get butterflies
you just don't wanna be overconfident.
It's tough to get overconfident
when you've lost the last five games.
Yeah, but we've been losing by less.
We're only behind two goals the last game.
I think my system finally kicking in
tomorrow's game's gonna be different.
Oh, yeah, it's gonna be different.
Whatever happens I just wanna thank you for putting up with me
the seasons meant a lot.
Most of all, I just
I just love spending the extra time with you.
Me too.
Wow, will you look at the time, I got to go.
Wait a minute, I thought you wanted
to talk to me about something.
Yeah, but it's not important now.
Come on, Trevor, you know
you can talk to me about anything.
- Anything, huh? - Anything.
Sit down, dad.
Well, it's like this.
You've been with the team a long time now
but our philosophy's changing
we all feel it will be best if we were to no longer
were under your services in your current capacity.
Wait a minute, are you firing me?
We prefer to think of it as downsizing by one.
I can't believe this.
Sorry, dad.
Hey, hope I'm not interrupting anything.
Catch you at home. I'm sorry.
Ron, it's about the team.
Trevor just fired me.
Whoa!
That had to hurt.
You know it's really a sap when all the kid
cares about is winning.
Anything I can do?
Big bug.
Got 'em.
I'm with you. Be with your thoughts, man.
Really appreciate you coming in on a Saturday.
Yeah, well, I can use the overtime.
I'm not paying you overtime.
Mm, bye-bye.
What are you doing here on a Saturday?
Leaving.
- Hi, Francine. - Hi.
Just want to catch up on some paperwork
I don't wanna think about coaching
soccer championship, nothing.
[cheering]
Just worked out nicely.
- What's happening? - We won.
- Trevor played great. - Terrific, so who coached?
Mainly Trevor but they needed an adult, so..
The coach is here.
Let the celebration begin.
[applause]
I finally fulfilled the childhood fantasy
now I can die happy.
Prove it.
You did it, son. So how does it feel to be a champion?
Not so good. Dad, can I talk to you in your office?
Sure.
Let me see this thing.
Shh! This is all you get?
Shh! Nice buns though.
God, I don't get out enough.
So you're tellin' me you're not glad you won?
I'm glad but it wasn't worth having to fire you.
Now I know what you meant when you said
"Sometimes when you win, you lose."
Yeah, well, the rest of the team looked happy though.
Duncan had a big old smile on his face.
That's because he got to play
when he didn't think he was going to.
What do you mean?
Bruce didn't want to put him in
but I took myself out so he would get a chance.
And why did you do that?
I don't know.
Everybody plays, everybody wins, I guess.
So, I guess I did teach you something.
Yeah, you taught me the game is supposed to be fun
that trophies is as much yours as it is ours.
[clamoring]
Get your greasy pizza hands off of my trophy.
It's not yours, it belongs to the team.
- Yeah. - What's going on here?
If it weren't for me, these little ingrates
would've have to play naked.
Bruce, don't be childish, give back the trophy.
I can't do that.
Don't you see, I now stand as a shining example
to all those who've been picked last.
I proved you can raise yourself up for the muck
and the Mires and stand at the pinnacle.
- As a champion. - Bruce.
You take that trophy from that little girl
and you are scum.
[sighs] I can live with that.
Kids, I want you to handle this with grace and dignity
however I don't want you to walk down the parking space 37A
and kick large dents in the Jaguar.
[cheering]
Hey, Bruce, how was your weekend?
Well, after winning the championship
I didn't want my winning streak to end
so I hopped on the first bus to Atlantic City
and gambled all night.
- Oh, you won? - For a minute.
Then I lost everything I had.
After a while the ATM stopped giving me money
and I got mad so I punched it.
Don't they throw you out of casinos
for doing stuff like that?
No, no, no, but they do throw you out for stealing quarters
out of the plastic cup of the old lady
sitting next to you at the slot machine.
Boy, they have a lot of cameras in those places.
Please tell me you left town after that.
No, no, I wandered into the nearest Minimart
picked up a six pack, sat under the stars
and wondered what went wrong.
Then after getting a citation for having open alcohol
within city limits, I hopped on a bus and came home.
Well, I'm sorry you lost so much money
but gambling can be a tough addiction.
You tellin' me.
Then when I got off the bus, on the ground
was one of those scratch off lottery tickets
guess what
I won $500 and I was a winner again.
Hey, so at least it wasn't a total loss.
Therein lies the irony.
Bruce, you didn't.
Five hundred lottery tickets.
All of them losers.
Oh, look. Here's two he missed. They're stuck together.
Wait, wait, aren't those Bruce's?
Okay, let's be fair, one is Bruce's
and one is ours.
Oh, well, that's a loser.
Hey, $25.
Which one is Bruce's?
Duh! Come on, I'll buy you lunch.
[theme song]
I have to take a test.
So, what's so scary about this particular test?
If I fail, I can fail the whole class
then I'll never get into the best elementary school.
You shouldn't be worried about that.
If I don't get into the best elementary school
I'll never get into the best junior high or high school
then may as well forget about Harvard.
Wow, when I was your age, I was still eating paste
actually I never stopped.
Paste?
Ah, see, you laughed, that's good.
That's what kids are supposed to do at your age
you should be reading comic books
turning your eyelids inside out.
Blowing milk out your nose.
But I'm lactose intolerant.
Okay, we'll start with something simpler, stand up.
Raise your right hand
'inserted onto your left armpit and flat vigorously.'
Works even better under your shirt.
- You do this stuff all day? - Yep.
Who needs Harvard, I can be a psychologist.
[theme music]
[scatting]
[scatting]
Is Trevor here yet?
I have to find out the score of that game.
Since when are you so interested in Trevor's soccer team?
Since I became a team sponsor.
We're undefeated, and for the first time
I'm part of a winning team.
I never experienced that as a kid.
Call it bad luck, call it fate, call it..
Running like a girl?
You know, you don't know what it's like
always getting picked last.
Never getting to play even though you brought the ball.
For years I thought my name was "Oh-no-Hamptons-up."
Bruce, don't you think it's a little self-serving
that you're sponsoring a team just because they're winners?
Hey, I sponsored that kid from "save the children"
for five years and he hasn't won a damn thing.
So, did we win?
Did I play?
Yes. Still undefeated.
It's good to see you too, Bruce.
Yeah, right. So what was the score?
- Five-nothin'. - Oh.
Emma, don't bother Darby.
Oh, no, she's no bother.
She's gonna help me with my filing.
Go.
Hey, how was the game?
I'll tell you how the game was
they won five-zero and that coach
still made them run laps afterwards.
- That's not fair. - I know.
I score three goals, I should've been on the sidelines
eating orange wedges and talking to the ladies.
Ron, I've had enough of that Coach Hauser
he's mean to the kids and he's rude to the parents
and I got a good mind to get..
Hey, what ladies were you talking to?
Why don't we take this inside?
- Good idea. Let's go. - Bruce.
I, I am the team sponsor.
This is for parents to discuss.
Fine, fine, but if you thought about getting a personal trainer
no, no, no, wait, wait, I have the number of this guy Deter.
In three weeks Trevor could have calves like hams
and it's totally legal.
- Goodbye, Bruce. - Okay, okay, okay.
Then tell me, with a little training
that boys of yours could be a huge soccer star someday
like Pele or...Pele.
Just look at Trevor.
It's kind of nice, it's too warm out there as for any money.
Why are we standing here talking
when I need to be screaming at that coach?
I'm gonna call him.
Honey, I think you're over reacting.
Over reacting? Ron, he's running the kids ragged.
Oh, and now, now he wants to start
a second practice at 6:00 a.m.
That's right.
Trevor Aimes does not wake up at 6:00 a.m. for anybody.
Trevor Aimes sleeps late and wins games. Trevor--
Trevor Aimes better cut that out.
Cuttin' it out.
Rachel, let me handle this.
Why? Because you're a psychologist?
Well, I do conducts seminars in conflict resolution
and between the two of us
I'm the only one who hasn't punched out a cabbie.
Dad, that's why mom should handle it.
Alright, Ron, you talk to him. Let's go, Trevor.
Hey, mom, can we take a cab home?
Come on, Emma.
This was fun, Darby.
When I grow up, I wanna have a job just like yours.
Uh, no, you don't want this job.
You have to make lots of sacrifices.
Like...you have to watch "Ricki Lake"
on the TV this big.
Uh, you are so right, girlfriend
your mama dresses way too sexy.
[scatting]
So, Ron, have you decided what you gonna say
to Coach Houser when he gets here?
Yeah, he's gonna say "You're fired.
Don't let the door hit you in the butt on the way out."
I'm not gonna fire anybody. I'm handling it my way.
I'm gonna sit here, he's gonna sit there
so he doesn't feel intimidated.
You were going about this all wrong.
You sit here and he sits here.
Come on, Rachel.
Houser and I are two individuals with conflicting points of view
and I'm going to peacefully bring us to a middle ground.
And when you get to that middle ground
and he turns his back
hit him with this.
Rachel, let me handle this.
- Start talking, I'm here. - Thanks for coming.
Yeah, great.
You, get to bed.
I need you alert for the 6:00 a.m. chalk-talk.
Sir, yes, sir!
That's the kind of speed I wanna see on the field, Number 11.
Coach Hauser, can I--
Ah, Mrs. Aimes, good to see you.
- Mm-hm. - Coffee, black.
Not instant. I can tell.
Really? Well, I can tell you a couple of things.
Uh, honey, uh, why don't you let me handle this?
What's this all about, Aimes?
Well, I can sum it up in one word, pickles.
What?
When I was a kid, I used to love pickles
I-I love deal-pickles sour-pickles, half-sour-pickle
sour-pickle, kosher-pickles.
My name is Ron and I'm a pickle-holic.
- There's a point? - Yes, I'm getting to it.
So one day my mother catches me eating pickle before dinner.
"Ah, you eating those pickles
you'll spoil your appetite, you knucklehead."
So she decided to teach me a lesson.
That evening for dinner, pickles.
In the morning for breakfast, pickles.
I go to school, open my lunch pail, pickles.
- For dessert.. - Let me guess, cake?
Yogurt with pickles on the bottom.
Who cares?
You're doing to soccer what my mother did the pickles.
These kids aren't having any fun.
Fun?
Aimes, if you want these kids to have fun
let them play with fire.
- I'm here to coach soccer. - You're taking this too far.
Look, if you have something to say, say it.
Save your shrink speak for your junior whackos.
There's no need to insult my patients.
You don't know anything about what I do.
You don't know anything about what I do.
You're just a whiner who's wasting your time of a winner.
Who the hell do you think you are?
You're not fit to be around my kid or anybody else's kids.
Look, if that's what you feel, don't come to the games.
You don't understand, I'm not giving you a choice
I'm telling you, ease up on these kids.
No one coach as a coach.
Find yourself another sucker to push around. I quit.
Way to go, dad.
I heard everything, and if it makes you feel any better
I would have done exactly what you did.
Except she would've cold cock him with that chair.
So now what do you wanna do? The team needs a coach.
I guess I could coach.
Yeah, mom, dad can do it. He's great with kids.
But your father doesn't know anything about soccer.
What do you mean? I watch soccer on television.
It's just an hour of guys running up and down the field
kicking a soccer ball
and they scored, like, one goal the whole game
and the crowd riots.
Mom, he doesn't have to know anything about soccer
all he have to do is get the ball to me.
Ron, do you remember what happened
when you were my Lamaze coach?
Yeah, but it'll be different this time.
I know sports, I'm a good athlete
and there's no placenta involved.
Okay, you got me, Coach Ron.
Alright, dad, welcome to the team.
Now, there are few things that all coach never get straight
first, I do not do one sprints
second, forget Trevor, my name's Prime Time.
Third, I wrote this pep talk I wanna give the team.
Fourth, when I show up to a game
I wanna hear "Eye of The Tiger."
Bruce, nobody's getting any special treatment.
That's a good rule, too
but you should really reconsider this pep talk
I'm telling you, it's perfect to motivate kids
very inspirational, I call it
"Win, or I'll kill Santa Claus."
- Hey, dad. - Hey, guys.
- Hello, Dr. Aimes. - Hi.
Hey, Dr. Aimes. Cool fish tank.
What do you call the weird one that just sits there
and doesn't do anything?
Oh, that's Darby.
Well, dad, we're here.
Where's the rest of the team?
We are the team, me you know, I score the goals.
This is Julie, she's the best defender in the league
we call her "The Wall."
- And Duncan? - His mom drove.
That's not fair, I'm essential to the team.
I'm a statistician.
Keeps him busy while he's warming the bench.
Well things with me are gonna be different.
Everybody plays, everybody wins.
And everybody gets a shot at every position.
Wow, wow, hold up. Prime Time plays all the time.
Look, Prime Time, everybody gets a chance.
That way even if you lose, you win
whereas before you lost even when you won.
- You follow me? - I'm with you, dad.
Just give me the first half to warm up the score
then I'll watch the rest of the game on the sidelines
while I kick it with the ladies.
You mean I'm going to get to play goalie?
If you want, yes.
Finally a chance to test out my cup.
[clamoring]
Alright, who wants.. Who wants pepperoni?
[clamoring]
You did it. What was the score?
- Seven-nothing. - Wow, you slaughtered them.
No, we lost.
Ron, am I missing something here?
Well, at the first game, we're a little disorganized
but everybody played, everybody had a great time?
(all) Yeah!
I even scored a goal.
I thought you said they beat you seven-nothing.
He did it would have been six-nothing
if Duncan hadn't booted one past our goalie.
Why, I've never seen a happy losing team.
Well, just wait till they start winning and they will
I know I still got a lot to learn
but I haven't seen this team this happy in a long, long time.
This sucks.
We're only down two to zero
he makes a bunch of bonus substitution
and we gave up five more goals.
If he hadn't made the substitutions
everybody wouldn't have been able to play.
Duncan, everybody playing is a good idea in theory
but it falls apart when everybody actually plays.
Look, with my dad, when we lose, we get to eat pizza
the old coach would've made us eat the game ball.
We should get my dad a chance.
- Team vote. - Aye.
Good, after all there's only one loss.
Five losses. I used to like pizza.
Now every bite taste like battle of feat.
Last game of the season is coming up.
If we lose it, we'll lose the championship.
What are we gonna do?
All on favor of Trevor firing his father say aye.
(all) Aye.
- My own dad. Why me? - You're the captain.
All in favor of Duncan being the new captain, say aye.
- Aye! - Aye!
Do it, Trevor.
Mom, can I talk to you, it's about dad?
I think I have some expertise on that subject.
Actually it's not about dad as dad
it's about dad as coach.
- What's up with the coach? - He stinks.
Wait a minute, now I know you guys have been
losing a lot lately but what makes you think
it's your dad's fault?
Let me put it this way
dad wasn't the coach, we won
dad is the coach, we lose.
Ergo, he stinks.
Now the team wants me to fire him.
So what you going to do?
I figure I'd get you up to speed
and let you take from there.
- See you. - Wow! Wow! Wow!
Wait a minute so you would think
you could just pass this off on me?
Dad says it's important to pass.
Nice try but this is something you should do it yourself.
Oh, man, I knew you were gonna say that.
That's because you know I'm right.
Okay but what if daddy can't handle it?
Your dad's a strong, reasonable man.
I think he can handle it.
I hope so 'cause I haven't seen daddy cried
since he passed that stone.
So, what's been bothering you, Patrick?
I don't know.
How you've been with your parent?
I don't know.
Is there anything you want to talk about?
I don't know.
Hm, detached, unresponsive, withdrawal, this is fascinating
very interesting syndrome.
Really want to write you to the journals about it.
So, like what do I have?
I don't know.
- What's Bruce doing? - Uh, well, he's really mad.
He's waiting to talk to Ron
about the soccer team's losing streak.
And what are you doing?
I've been watching him pace for the last 20 minutes.
Isn't that boring?
No, actually, it's really cool if you hum
the "Baby Elephant Walk."
Watch.
[humming "Baby Elephant Walk"]
No, really, try it.
[humming "Baby Elephant Walk"]
[humming continues]
Don't you two have something better to do?
No, I did but now that I've tried this
I think I'll rearranged my whole schedule around.
[humming "Baby Elephant Walk"]
You don't understand, okay?
Ron is destroying my dream, he's gotta go.
Uh, I mean I was on the road to achieving
a major childhood fantasy and now this this losing streak
is ruining it.
You're saying that your dreams could be achieved
with a bunch of nine-year-olds winning some soccer games?
No, not all my dreams, I'll still be dreaming of
seeing you with flowers in your hair
naked against the summer sky.
Bruce.
Right before the natives hurl you into the volcano.
That's better.
- See you next week. - See you.
Um Ron, I really got to talk to you.
Dad, I really got to talk to you.
Sure, come on in, Trevor.
Hey, I, I was here first.
He's my son.
And your point would be..
So, you looking forward to the big game tomorrow?
I guess.
That's okay if you get butterflies
you just don't wanna be overconfident.
It's tough to get overconfident
when you've lost the last five games.
Yeah, but we've been losing by less.
We're only behind two goals the last game.
I think my system finally kicking in
tomorrow's game's gonna be different.
Oh, yeah, it's gonna be different.
Whatever happens I just wanna thank you for putting up with me
the seasons meant a lot.
Most of all, I just
I just love spending the extra time with you.
Me too.
Wow, will you look at the time, I got to go.
Wait a minute, I thought you wanted
to talk to me about something.
Yeah, but it's not important now.
Come on, Trevor, you know
you can talk to me about anything.
- Anything, huh? - Anything.
Sit down, dad.
Well, it's like this.
You've been with the team a long time now
but our philosophy's changing
we all feel it will be best if we were to no longer
were under your services in your current capacity.
Wait a minute, are you firing me?
We prefer to think of it as downsizing by one.
I can't believe this.
Sorry, dad.
Hey, hope I'm not interrupting anything.
Catch you at home. I'm sorry.
Ron, it's about the team.
Trevor just fired me.
Whoa!
That had to hurt.
You know it's really a sap when all the kid
cares about is winning.
Anything I can do?
Big bug.
Got 'em.
I'm with you. Be with your thoughts, man.
Really appreciate you coming in on a Saturday.
Yeah, well, I can use the overtime.
I'm not paying you overtime.
Mm, bye-bye.
What are you doing here on a Saturday?
Leaving.
- Hi, Francine. - Hi.
Just want to catch up on some paperwork
I don't wanna think about coaching
soccer championship, nothing.
[cheering]
Just worked out nicely.
- What's happening? - We won.
- Trevor played great. - Terrific, so who coached?
Mainly Trevor but they needed an adult, so..
The coach is here.
Let the celebration begin.
[applause]
I finally fulfilled the childhood fantasy
now I can die happy.
Prove it.
You did it, son. So how does it feel to be a champion?
Not so good. Dad, can I talk to you in your office?
Sure.
Let me see this thing.
Shh! This is all you get?
Shh! Nice buns though.
God, I don't get out enough.
So you're tellin' me you're not glad you won?
I'm glad but it wasn't worth having to fire you.
Now I know what you meant when you said
"Sometimes when you win, you lose."
Yeah, well, the rest of the team looked happy though.
Duncan had a big old smile on his face.
That's because he got to play
when he didn't think he was going to.
What do you mean?
Bruce didn't want to put him in
but I took myself out so he would get a chance.
And why did you do that?
I don't know.
Everybody plays, everybody wins, I guess.
So, I guess I did teach you something.
Yeah, you taught me the game is supposed to be fun
that trophies is as much yours as it is ours.
[clamoring]
Get your greasy pizza hands off of my trophy.
It's not yours, it belongs to the team.
- Yeah. - What's going on here?
If it weren't for me, these little ingrates
would've have to play naked.
Bruce, don't be childish, give back the trophy.
I can't do that.
Don't you see, I now stand as a shining example
to all those who've been picked last.
I proved you can raise yourself up for the muck
and the Mires and stand at the pinnacle.
- As a champion. - Bruce.
You take that trophy from that little girl
and you are scum.
[sighs] I can live with that.
Kids, I want you to handle this with grace and dignity
however I don't want you to walk down the parking space 37A
and kick large dents in the Jaguar.
[cheering]
Hey, Bruce, how was your weekend?
Well, after winning the championship
I didn't want my winning streak to end
so I hopped on the first bus to Atlantic City
and gambled all night.
- Oh, you won? - For a minute.
Then I lost everything I had.
After a while the ATM stopped giving me money
and I got mad so I punched it.
Don't they throw you out of casinos
for doing stuff like that?
No, no, no, but they do throw you out for stealing quarters
out of the plastic cup of the old lady
sitting next to you at the slot machine.
Boy, they have a lot of cameras in those places.
Please tell me you left town after that.
No, no, I wandered into the nearest Minimart
picked up a six pack, sat under the stars
and wondered what went wrong.
Then after getting a citation for having open alcohol
within city limits, I hopped on a bus and came home.
Well, I'm sorry you lost so much money
but gambling can be a tough addiction.
You tellin' me.
Then when I got off the bus, on the ground
was one of those scratch off lottery tickets
guess what
I won $500 and I was a winner again.
Hey, so at least it wasn't a total loss.
Therein lies the irony.
Bruce, you didn't.
Five hundred lottery tickets.
All of them losers.
Oh, look. Here's two he missed. They're stuck together.
Wait, wait, aren't those Bruce's?
Okay, let's be fair, one is Bruce's
and one is ours.
Oh, well, that's a loser.
Hey, $25.
Which one is Bruce's?
Duh! Come on, I'll buy you lunch.
[theme song]