Minor Adjustments (1995–1996): Season 1, Episode 2 - The Paper - full transcript
So, Freddy, while stealing may seem like a good idea
to get your parents' attention, it really isn't.
There are better ways. Like this.
I see what you're saying, Dr. Aimes.
No, you don't. I haven't finished spelling it yet.
Okay, if you stop doing that, then I'll stop stealing.
Here. I sort of nabbed it when you weren't looking.
Well, I'm proud of you for returning it.
Thanks. Can I go now?
Sure, just as soon as you return
my Gameboy from your other pocket.
And a picture of my family.
And a Burnt Sienna crayon.
- How'd you know? - 'Cause I'm good.
Or maybe just 'cause I'm slipping.
See you Tuesday.
Hold up, Dr. Aimes. I can't go. I can't find my..
Bus pass?
I sort of nabbed it when you weren't looking.
So how does it feel to get ripped off?
Alright, I get your point. So can I have it back?
It'll cost you five bucks.
- Do you take MasterCard? - Give me my wallet.
[scatting]
[scatting]
So then my little Edward went up to him and said
"No, no, no, Mr. Pavarotti, that is not from "Figaro."
That is from 'Rigoletto.'"
[both chuckling]
Well, I must say, Arlene, out of the nine Edward stories
you shared with me this afternoon
that was my favorite.
Hm. Mine, too.
Oh, got to go. Got to pick up Edward from tutoring.
Oh, I'm surprised Edward needs a tutor.
Oh, no. Edward is the tutor.
[chuckles] You know, I don't think there's anything my son can't do.
How about ride a bike without those little side-wheels?
Bye-bye now.
So how many Edward stories did she tell this time?
- Only nine. - Only nine?
She was only here ten minutes.
[chuckles] You know, we psychologists
have a special term for people like her.
Witch?
She's only one letter off.
Watch?
Yeah. Watch.
Ron, what am I gonna do with Arlene?
She's always bragging about that kid of hers
like it's some kind of competition.
If you want the competition to stop
you got to stop contributing yourself.
What? When? When was I ever competitive with Arlene?
When Trevor was born, you sent her
a birth announcement which read, "Rachel, one. Arlene, zero."
Okay, okay.
I guess I was being a bit of a watch.
Mm-hmm. Well, I still love you.
- You want some ice cream? - Sure.
Oh, but we've got to be quiet.
Trevor's in there working on his paper.
Ha! Missed again, scarface.
Now die!
Trevor, don't you have an essay that's due tomorrow?
Playing computer games helps me focus.
I see. And how far along are you?
I don't know. Let me repaginate here.
With the title page altogether, page one.
Look, I'm sorry. I'm having trouble focusing. I need help.
Well, now, you should have thought about that earlier.
Trevor, this isn't your old school
where you can just knock stuff out at the last minute.
Now, I suggest you buckle down.
[sighs] Your mom's right. Procrastination never helps.
Let me tell you about this one Halloween I had.
- Dad! - You haven't heard this one.
We had to make our own costumes
and I procrastinated till the last minute
so all I had was swim fins
a cape and a toilet plunger.
I'm eight years old, walking through North Philly
and I'm mad.
[gibberish]
I get to this little old lady's house..
[imitating old woman] "Oh, look, a little princess..
"...a little cowboy..
Oh, my word! Who are you supposed to be?"
"I'm Plunger Boy, lady!
"Put the damn candy in the bag!
Don't make me use this!"
And kids would tease me.
"Oh, look, here comes Plunger Boy."
"You better shut up!"
"Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Unclog our toilets?"
I tell you, son, it was so humiliating.
And all because I procrastinated.
Do you see my point?
Yeah, I'll call you the next time I clog up the toilet.
Come on, dad. I really need help with the essay.
Alright, I'll tell you what, I'll help you focus.
What's the topic of your essay?
"What would the world be like in the year 2050?"
Here, I'll pull out what I wrote so far.
"In the year 2050, the world will be
55 years older."
I'm having a little mental block.
Trevor, that's not mental block. That's brain failure.
I know, dad. That's why you got to help me.
I'm about to become Plunger Boy.
Okay. Concentrate. Use your imagination.
What do you think the world would be like in the future?
Um, there'll be new kinds of transportation.
Good, good. Now get more specific.
- Like, what? - Like..
There'll be cars without wheels
that can fly at a 1000 miles an hour.
You mean airplanes.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. How about this one?
Medical science will be so advanced
that people will live hundreds of years.
Great-grandfathers will be running in marathons.
"You better come back here, you whippersnapper!
"You think you can outrun me
'cause you're only a 102."
And with people living longer, we'll need more food.
So we'll have to grow food bigger.
We'll grow corn the size of this refrigerator.
And baby corn..
Baby corn will be the size of...a corn!
Giant corn. I like it.
Trevor, I gave you these ideas as an example.
You got to think up your own. It's your assignment.
But, dad, these are perfect!
A-and the paper's due tomorrow.
Now if I try to do it by myself, I'll be up all night.
And it is flu season.
[coughing]
Sorry, Trevor, it wouldn't be right.
And your attempt to manipulate me isn't working.
Alright, I made a mistake. But this school is tough.
If I get behind now, I may not be able to catch up.
Please, I'll never procrastinate again. I promise.
Alright. Here's the deal.
You can use my ideas and I'll help you write it
just this one time.
- Never again. You understand? - Absolutely.
Now..
Where were we? Oh, ye-ye-yeah-yeah. Giant corn.
Oh, right, right, right.
You go to the movie
and the box of popcorn will just be one kernel.
[scatting]
Uncle Bruce, stop.
What? Is there a bug on me?
Stop and look at the wall.
Is it on the wall now?
No, there's no bug.
There's nothing. That's my point.
This wall is the first thing people see when they come in.
You guys should consider putting something up there
that kids would find inviting.
Yes, uh, I think a painting for the entrance
is a wonderful idea.
I'd be more than happy to bring in one I did.
- I didn't know you paint. - Well, I dabble.
It's a therapeutic hobby, Ron suggested
that it's a good way to channel my hostility.
So has it helped?
Not as much as going down to my basement
for an hour and splitting coconuts with my machete.
Well, I bet that's one hobby she leaves out
of her video dating profile.
Trevor. My man.
My main man!
[chuckles]
Give me some top, homie.
Dr. Hampton, that is so played out.
Really? Well, uh, what's in?
Yee!
Solid. Thanks.
Hey, little dude. Hee!
He's not hip.
He's not the only one.
Well, well, well.
Guess I'm not the only one who plays when he should be working.
You think this is fun? This is work.
I'm hunting for our dinner.
Take that home and have mom skin it.
Well, what are you doing here?
I've got great news.
That essay you helped me with last week, I got a A-plus.
A-plus, that's great!
Yeah, the teacher thought it was the best essay
in the whole fourth grade.
That's fantastic.
She is submitting it to the Philadelphia
Junior Essay Contest.
That's a problem.
- Why? - Why?
This started off as a little help
now it's a major deception.
Dad, it's a victimless crime. A gray area.
Tomorrow we are going to your teacher and explain everything.
Then we're gonna withdraw the essay from the contest.
Going to Mrs. Collin? Dad, she's a terror!
She's got a skeleton in her classroom.
So? A lot of teachers have that.
It's her ex-husband.
Trevor..
That's what they say.
Come on, dad, she's going to fail me.
She's not gonna fail you.
I'll explain that it's mostly my fault. She'll understand.
- Trust me. - And what about mom?
- Do we have to tell her? - Who? Oh, mom.
Well, no. It'll only upset her.
My thoughts exactly.
Man, I can't believe I got us into this.
I never should have done my best writing.
Yeah, Mrs. Collin said the essay was so good
it could have been written by a seventh-grader.
[scatting]
Guess what? I'm starting school next year.
Well, that's great.
Maybe if you work real hard
you'll be as smart as your cousin, Edward.
- I'd like that. - You would?
Nope. I was just being polite.
- Yes! - Good news?
You tell me. That was Trevor's English teacher.
He's a finalist in the Philadelphia
Junior Essay Contest.
Rachel, that's wonderful.
I'm sure he worked so hard.
I hope his other studies didn't suffer.
Actually, he didn't even sweat on this paper.
He just sort of knocked it out at the last minute.
Hm. Well, I've got to go.
Edward has a souffle in the oven.
♪ Trevor's better than Edward Trevor's better than Edward ♪
- Honey. Honey. - Trevor's better than Edward.
- Don't sing that. - Why?
Because it'll be so much better as a duet.
♪ Trevor's better than Edward Trevor's better than Edward ♪♪
Trevor! Oh! Mwah!
I am so proud of you. My little Hemingway.
Uh-oh.
How did you find out about the contest?
Mrs. Collin just called
and she said Trevor's a finalist.
Now shame on you, Trevor.
You didn't even tell me that your essay was submitted.
I didn't know myself until today.
Well, then you must be as stunned as I am.
- More. - Ha-ha..
This definitely calls for celebration.
Tonight I'm gonna make you a special dinner.
Look, your mom already knows about the contest.
We got to tell her everything.
I got a better idea. We'll make a break for it.
From now on I'm Gus, you're Fred.
We're on our way to South America to pick coffee.
- How do pork chop sound? - What do you think, Fred?
- Tell her. - Alright.
Mom..
...dad sort of wrote the paper for me.
- He what? - I tried to stop him!
But you know how daddy gets!
- Thanks a lot, Gus. - What?
How could you write the paper for him?
- I liked the topic. - It's not funny, Ron.
Now, Trevor should have never handed in that paper.
And as far as I'm concerned
this means no more playtime for at least a month.
But, mom, I don't deserve that.
I was referring to your father.
Come on, honey, we were gonna tell the teacher tomorrow.
Oh, you bet you are. We're gonna come completely clean on this.
Sorry, I forgot my coat. Oh!
Trevor, your mother told me the great news. Congratulations!
Arlene, we have something to tell you.
- What? - That--
Trevor is the only finalist from his school.
My parents are so proud of me.
Ron, don't look at me like that.
Now after all that bragging I did to Arlene
what else could I do?
Oh, and you two put me in that position.
You see what lying does, Trevor? One lie leads to another lie.
Now you, me and your mother and a family full of liars.
Well, I once rode an elephant.
- You never did that. - I lied.
Just wanted to be a part of the family.
So what do you wanna do now?
Well, normally I'd say confess
but this time I think we're better off saying nothing.
What? But what if Trevor wins?
Confessing then's gonna be even worse.
Trevor won't win. There's a 150 finalists.
What are the odds of him winning?
Not good. But what do I know? I'm a liar.
Okay, fine, Ron, so they're bad odds.
But still, what if Trevor does win?
I'll do the right thing.
I'll stand up in the auditorium and yell "Fire"
and we'll run like hell.
[scatting]
Well, what do you think?
- It's cute. - It's adorable.
It's revolting. Take it down before I puke.
Hey. I didn't say anything about your tie.
Sorry, Francine, it's not a comment
on your artistic ability.
It's really good.
It's the subject matter that turns my stomach.
I hate clowns.
You mean, the mere sight of a clown does this to you?
Uh-huh. Does that make me crazy?
No. But let me ask you a question.
As a child, did you have a bad experience with clowns?
- Yes, and it was horrible. - I'll bet.
All those years living in a VW Bug
with 30 guys named Chuckles.
[laughs]
Fine. Fine. No, please, please. Go ahead, laugh it up.
Oh, how? Like this?
[imitating clown laughing]
Not-not the laugh and the walk.
Stop it. Stop, stop it. Stop it!
Come on, he's really upset.
I think we should be more supportive.
Well, maybe we should get him a gift to apologize.
- Like, what? - Hm..
Size-60 pants and a big red nose?
[laughing]
Don't ever do that to me, Darby.
[panting] Sorry, Ron.
I borrowed this paper bag. I was gonna pass out.
My lunch is in there.
[panting] Well, now so is mine.
Alright, Bruce. Talk to me.
Look. I know this is gonna sound silly.
It all goes back to my fifth birthday party.
My mother hired this cut-rate clown, Bunko.
He was the meanest, most sadistic clown you ever met.
Because I was the birthday boy, he really went to town on me.
I'm talking pies in the face, Selter in the pants.
He even made me a balloon rat.
Then when I got attached to it, he sat on it.
The worst part, though
is that all my friends laughed at me.
And your mother just stood and watched?
No. She laughed, too.
Okay, I'll talk to Francine
and see if I can get her to take the painting down.
Really? Thanks.
Thanks, buddy. I really appreciate it.
I didn't know you had a clown phobia.
Oh, yeah. I can't even bear the sight of my Uncle Harold.
- Your uncle's a clown? - No, no, no, an accountant.
But he has really big feet.
[scatting]
This is too ironic.
Our son is a finalist in a big essay contest
and we're praying that he loses.
Mm-hmm. It's ironic.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
And welcome to this year's
Philadelphia Junior Essay Contest.
[applauding]
You've all worked very hard to get here
but as you know, there's only one winner.
- Oh, I can't stand this. - Oh, relax.
The best thing to do is just be calm, think positive thoughts.
So without further ado, may I have the envelope, please?
Don't be Trevor. Don't be Trevor.
Don't be Trevor. Don't be Trevor.
And the winner of this year's
Philadelphia Junior Essay Contest
a child who will be a shining example
for all other aspiring young writers is..
(both) Don't be Trevor. Don't be Trevor.
Don't be me. Don't be me.
Don't be me. Don't be me.
For his essay, "Cold Fusion
Energy Savior Or Albatross"
Curtis Zacuto!
- Alright, son! You lost! - I lost! I lost, daddy!
- You lost! - I lost! I lost!
Hey, it's always important to support your child
especially when they lose.
Thank you, I'd just like to say
I put my heart and soul into that essay.
And, and..
Oh, who am I fooling?
I didn't write this stupid essay.
My dad did.
My essay was supposed to be about how cool dump trucks are.
He should be ashamed of hisself.
Oh. Yeah.
Well, this is highly unusual
but according to the contest rules
the new winner is the first runner-up.
"For Future World 2050," Trevor Aimes.
[applauding]
You want me to say it, I will.
That's okay, dad. I can handle it.
I just have one thing to say before you hand me this award.
[sniffs]
Does anybody else smell smoke?
Trevor!
I also have a confession to make.
My dad wrote my paper, too.
[indistinct chatter]
Goodnight and drive safely.
Well, I guess we are O for two.
Shall we try the second runner-up?
Melanie Santos for her essay
"Philadelphia, Why Not City Of Sisterly Love?
A Feminist's Perspective."
[applauding]
(male #1) 'The 14th runner-up.'
Paul Lander for his essay, "Why I Like Candy."
Paul, did you write this?
Yes, I did!
Thank God!
[applauding]
[scatting]
I'm proud of you, Francine. Thanks for understanding.
Yeah. I'm impressed, Dr. Bailey. Usually you're much more..
Mean and vindictive?
Yeah, but really fun to be with.
Hey, what's everybody.. Oh.
Well, thanks for taking it down. I really appreciate it.
No problem. It's the least I could do.
Yeah. Well, thanks.
Hey, if he has a thing against clowns
why should I make it hard on him?
[screaming]
[horn honking]
Then again, I got to be me.
Isn't it weird that Bruce has a fear of clowns?
[chuckles] Very weird.
But everybody has fears, Darby.
- Hm. Not me. - Oh, come on.
You've got to be afraid of something.
Well, let me think.
Okay, I got one!
I'm afraid of Roberta Flack.
- Roberta Flack? - Mm, and giant sea clams.
And plane toilets
and the artist formerly known as Prince
and...Oompa-Loompas.
Clip-on ties, tuna and oil
midget ponies, Tofutti..
[shudders]
Alfred E. Neuman or Ted Koppel. Huh. Pick one.
Thursday.
And I think my biggest fear, and I know this sounds silly
but I think my biggest fear is the fear of abandonment.
Francine?
Francine?
[scatting]
[theme music]
[scatting]
to get your parents' attention, it really isn't.
There are better ways. Like this.
I see what you're saying, Dr. Aimes.
No, you don't. I haven't finished spelling it yet.
Okay, if you stop doing that, then I'll stop stealing.
Here. I sort of nabbed it when you weren't looking.
Well, I'm proud of you for returning it.
Thanks. Can I go now?
Sure, just as soon as you return
my Gameboy from your other pocket.
And a picture of my family.
And a Burnt Sienna crayon.
- How'd you know? - 'Cause I'm good.
Or maybe just 'cause I'm slipping.
See you Tuesday.
Hold up, Dr. Aimes. I can't go. I can't find my..
Bus pass?
I sort of nabbed it when you weren't looking.
So how does it feel to get ripped off?
Alright, I get your point. So can I have it back?
It'll cost you five bucks.
- Do you take MasterCard? - Give me my wallet.
[scatting]
[scatting]
So then my little Edward went up to him and said
"No, no, no, Mr. Pavarotti, that is not from "Figaro."
That is from 'Rigoletto.'"
[both chuckling]
Well, I must say, Arlene, out of the nine Edward stories
you shared with me this afternoon
that was my favorite.
Hm. Mine, too.
Oh, got to go. Got to pick up Edward from tutoring.
Oh, I'm surprised Edward needs a tutor.
Oh, no. Edward is the tutor.
[chuckles] You know, I don't think there's anything my son can't do.
How about ride a bike without those little side-wheels?
Bye-bye now.
So how many Edward stories did she tell this time?
- Only nine. - Only nine?
She was only here ten minutes.
[chuckles] You know, we psychologists
have a special term for people like her.
Witch?
She's only one letter off.
Watch?
Yeah. Watch.
Ron, what am I gonna do with Arlene?
She's always bragging about that kid of hers
like it's some kind of competition.
If you want the competition to stop
you got to stop contributing yourself.
What? When? When was I ever competitive with Arlene?
When Trevor was born, you sent her
a birth announcement which read, "Rachel, one. Arlene, zero."
Okay, okay.
I guess I was being a bit of a watch.
Mm-hmm. Well, I still love you.
- You want some ice cream? - Sure.
Oh, but we've got to be quiet.
Trevor's in there working on his paper.
Ha! Missed again, scarface.
Now die!
Trevor, don't you have an essay that's due tomorrow?
Playing computer games helps me focus.
I see. And how far along are you?
I don't know. Let me repaginate here.
With the title page altogether, page one.
Look, I'm sorry. I'm having trouble focusing. I need help.
Well, now, you should have thought about that earlier.
Trevor, this isn't your old school
where you can just knock stuff out at the last minute.
Now, I suggest you buckle down.
[sighs] Your mom's right. Procrastination never helps.
Let me tell you about this one Halloween I had.
- Dad! - You haven't heard this one.
We had to make our own costumes
and I procrastinated till the last minute
so all I had was swim fins
a cape and a toilet plunger.
I'm eight years old, walking through North Philly
and I'm mad.
[gibberish]
I get to this little old lady's house..
[imitating old woman] "Oh, look, a little princess..
"...a little cowboy..
Oh, my word! Who are you supposed to be?"
"I'm Plunger Boy, lady!
"Put the damn candy in the bag!
Don't make me use this!"
And kids would tease me.
"Oh, look, here comes Plunger Boy."
"You better shut up!"
"Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Unclog our toilets?"
I tell you, son, it was so humiliating.
And all because I procrastinated.
Do you see my point?
Yeah, I'll call you the next time I clog up the toilet.
Come on, dad. I really need help with the essay.
Alright, I'll tell you what, I'll help you focus.
What's the topic of your essay?
"What would the world be like in the year 2050?"
Here, I'll pull out what I wrote so far.
"In the year 2050, the world will be
55 years older."
I'm having a little mental block.
Trevor, that's not mental block. That's brain failure.
I know, dad. That's why you got to help me.
I'm about to become Plunger Boy.
Okay. Concentrate. Use your imagination.
What do you think the world would be like in the future?
Um, there'll be new kinds of transportation.
Good, good. Now get more specific.
- Like, what? - Like..
There'll be cars without wheels
that can fly at a 1000 miles an hour.
You mean airplanes.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. How about this one?
Medical science will be so advanced
that people will live hundreds of years.
Great-grandfathers will be running in marathons.
"You better come back here, you whippersnapper!
"You think you can outrun me
'cause you're only a 102."
And with people living longer, we'll need more food.
So we'll have to grow food bigger.
We'll grow corn the size of this refrigerator.
And baby corn..
Baby corn will be the size of...a corn!
Giant corn. I like it.
Trevor, I gave you these ideas as an example.
You got to think up your own. It's your assignment.
But, dad, these are perfect!
A-and the paper's due tomorrow.
Now if I try to do it by myself, I'll be up all night.
And it is flu season.
[coughing]
Sorry, Trevor, it wouldn't be right.
And your attempt to manipulate me isn't working.
Alright, I made a mistake. But this school is tough.
If I get behind now, I may not be able to catch up.
Please, I'll never procrastinate again. I promise.
Alright. Here's the deal.
You can use my ideas and I'll help you write it
just this one time.
- Never again. You understand? - Absolutely.
Now..
Where were we? Oh, ye-ye-yeah-yeah. Giant corn.
Oh, right, right, right.
You go to the movie
and the box of popcorn will just be one kernel.
[scatting]
Uncle Bruce, stop.
What? Is there a bug on me?
Stop and look at the wall.
Is it on the wall now?
No, there's no bug.
There's nothing. That's my point.
This wall is the first thing people see when they come in.
You guys should consider putting something up there
that kids would find inviting.
Yes, uh, I think a painting for the entrance
is a wonderful idea.
I'd be more than happy to bring in one I did.
- I didn't know you paint. - Well, I dabble.
It's a therapeutic hobby, Ron suggested
that it's a good way to channel my hostility.
So has it helped?
Not as much as going down to my basement
for an hour and splitting coconuts with my machete.
Well, I bet that's one hobby she leaves out
of her video dating profile.
Trevor. My man.
My main man!
[chuckles]
Give me some top, homie.
Dr. Hampton, that is so played out.
Really? Well, uh, what's in?
Yee!
Solid. Thanks.
Hey, little dude. Hee!
He's not hip.
He's not the only one.
Well, well, well.
Guess I'm not the only one who plays when he should be working.
You think this is fun? This is work.
I'm hunting for our dinner.
Take that home and have mom skin it.
Well, what are you doing here?
I've got great news.
That essay you helped me with last week, I got a A-plus.
A-plus, that's great!
Yeah, the teacher thought it was the best essay
in the whole fourth grade.
That's fantastic.
She is submitting it to the Philadelphia
Junior Essay Contest.
That's a problem.
- Why? - Why?
This started off as a little help
now it's a major deception.
Dad, it's a victimless crime. A gray area.
Tomorrow we are going to your teacher and explain everything.
Then we're gonna withdraw the essay from the contest.
Going to Mrs. Collin? Dad, she's a terror!
She's got a skeleton in her classroom.
So? A lot of teachers have that.
It's her ex-husband.
Trevor..
That's what they say.
Come on, dad, she's going to fail me.
She's not gonna fail you.
I'll explain that it's mostly my fault. She'll understand.
- Trust me. - And what about mom?
- Do we have to tell her? - Who? Oh, mom.
Well, no. It'll only upset her.
My thoughts exactly.
Man, I can't believe I got us into this.
I never should have done my best writing.
Yeah, Mrs. Collin said the essay was so good
it could have been written by a seventh-grader.
[scatting]
Guess what? I'm starting school next year.
Well, that's great.
Maybe if you work real hard
you'll be as smart as your cousin, Edward.
- I'd like that. - You would?
Nope. I was just being polite.
- Yes! - Good news?
You tell me. That was Trevor's English teacher.
He's a finalist in the Philadelphia
Junior Essay Contest.
Rachel, that's wonderful.
I'm sure he worked so hard.
I hope his other studies didn't suffer.
Actually, he didn't even sweat on this paper.
He just sort of knocked it out at the last minute.
Hm. Well, I've got to go.
Edward has a souffle in the oven.
♪ Trevor's better than Edward Trevor's better than Edward ♪
- Honey. Honey. - Trevor's better than Edward.
- Don't sing that. - Why?
Because it'll be so much better as a duet.
♪ Trevor's better than Edward Trevor's better than Edward ♪♪
Trevor! Oh! Mwah!
I am so proud of you. My little Hemingway.
Uh-oh.
How did you find out about the contest?
Mrs. Collin just called
and she said Trevor's a finalist.
Now shame on you, Trevor.
You didn't even tell me that your essay was submitted.
I didn't know myself until today.
Well, then you must be as stunned as I am.
- More. - Ha-ha..
This definitely calls for celebration.
Tonight I'm gonna make you a special dinner.
Look, your mom already knows about the contest.
We got to tell her everything.
I got a better idea. We'll make a break for it.
From now on I'm Gus, you're Fred.
We're on our way to South America to pick coffee.
- How do pork chop sound? - What do you think, Fred?
- Tell her. - Alright.
Mom..
...dad sort of wrote the paper for me.
- He what? - I tried to stop him!
But you know how daddy gets!
- Thanks a lot, Gus. - What?
How could you write the paper for him?
- I liked the topic. - It's not funny, Ron.
Now, Trevor should have never handed in that paper.
And as far as I'm concerned
this means no more playtime for at least a month.
But, mom, I don't deserve that.
I was referring to your father.
Come on, honey, we were gonna tell the teacher tomorrow.
Oh, you bet you are. We're gonna come completely clean on this.
Sorry, I forgot my coat. Oh!
Trevor, your mother told me the great news. Congratulations!
Arlene, we have something to tell you.
- What? - That--
Trevor is the only finalist from his school.
My parents are so proud of me.
Ron, don't look at me like that.
Now after all that bragging I did to Arlene
what else could I do?
Oh, and you two put me in that position.
You see what lying does, Trevor? One lie leads to another lie.
Now you, me and your mother and a family full of liars.
Well, I once rode an elephant.
- You never did that. - I lied.
Just wanted to be a part of the family.
So what do you wanna do now?
Well, normally I'd say confess
but this time I think we're better off saying nothing.
What? But what if Trevor wins?
Confessing then's gonna be even worse.
Trevor won't win. There's a 150 finalists.
What are the odds of him winning?
Not good. But what do I know? I'm a liar.
Okay, fine, Ron, so they're bad odds.
But still, what if Trevor does win?
I'll do the right thing.
I'll stand up in the auditorium and yell "Fire"
and we'll run like hell.
[scatting]
Well, what do you think?
- It's cute. - It's adorable.
It's revolting. Take it down before I puke.
Hey. I didn't say anything about your tie.
Sorry, Francine, it's not a comment
on your artistic ability.
It's really good.
It's the subject matter that turns my stomach.
I hate clowns.
You mean, the mere sight of a clown does this to you?
Uh-huh. Does that make me crazy?
No. But let me ask you a question.
As a child, did you have a bad experience with clowns?
- Yes, and it was horrible. - I'll bet.
All those years living in a VW Bug
with 30 guys named Chuckles.
[laughs]
Fine. Fine. No, please, please. Go ahead, laugh it up.
Oh, how? Like this?
[imitating clown laughing]
Not-not the laugh and the walk.
Stop it. Stop, stop it. Stop it!
Come on, he's really upset.
I think we should be more supportive.
Well, maybe we should get him a gift to apologize.
- Like, what? - Hm..
Size-60 pants and a big red nose?
[laughing]
Don't ever do that to me, Darby.
[panting] Sorry, Ron.
I borrowed this paper bag. I was gonna pass out.
My lunch is in there.
[panting] Well, now so is mine.
Alright, Bruce. Talk to me.
Look. I know this is gonna sound silly.
It all goes back to my fifth birthday party.
My mother hired this cut-rate clown, Bunko.
He was the meanest, most sadistic clown you ever met.
Because I was the birthday boy, he really went to town on me.
I'm talking pies in the face, Selter in the pants.
He even made me a balloon rat.
Then when I got attached to it, he sat on it.
The worst part, though
is that all my friends laughed at me.
And your mother just stood and watched?
No. She laughed, too.
Okay, I'll talk to Francine
and see if I can get her to take the painting down.
Really? Thanks.
Thanks, buddy. I really appreciate it.
I didn't know you had a clown phobia.
Oh, yeah. I can't even bear the sight of my Uncle Harold.
- Your uncle's a clown? - No, no, no, an accountant.
But he has really big feet.
[scatting]
This is too ironic.
Our son is a finalist in a big essay contest
and we're praying that he loses.
Mm-hmm. It's ironic.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
And welcome to this year's
Philadelphia Junior Essay Contest.
[applauding]
You've all worked very hard to get here
but as you know, there's only one winner.
- Oh, I can't stand this. - Oh, relax.
The best thing to do is just be calm, think positive thoughts.
So without further ado, may I have the envelope, please?
Don't be Trevor. Don't be Trevor.
Don't be Trevor. Don't be Trevor.
And the winner of this year's
Philadelphia Junior Essay Contest
a child who will be a shining example
for all other aspiring young writers is..
(both) Don't be Trevor. Don't be Trevor.
Don't be me. Don't be me.
Don't be me. Don't be me.
For his essay, "Cold Fusion
Energy Savior Or Albatross"
Curtis Zacuto!
- Alright, son! You lost! - I lost! I lost, daddy!
- You lost! - I lost! I lost!
Hey, it's always important to support your child
especially when they lose.
Thank you, I'd just like to say
I put my heart and soul into that essay.
And, and..
Oh, who am I fooling?
I didn't write this stupid essay.
My dad did.
My essay was supposed to be about how cool dump trucks are.
He should be ashamed of hisself.
Oh. Yeah.
Well, this is highly unusual
but according to the contest rules
the new winner is the first runner-up.
"For Future World 2050," Trevor Aimes.
[applauding]
You want me to say it, I will.
That's okay, dad. I can handle it.
I just have one thing to say before you hand me this award.
[sniffs]
Does anybody else smell smoke?
Trevor!
I also have a confession to make.
My dad wrote my paper, too.
[indistinct chatter]
Goodnight and drive safely.
Well, I guess we are O for two.
Shall we try the second runner-up?
Melanie Santos for her essay
"Philadelphia, Why Not City Of Sisterly Love?
A Feminist's Perspective."
[applauding]
(male #1) 'The 14th runner-up.'
Paul Lander for his essay, "Why I Like Candy."
Paul, did you write this?
Yes, I did!
Thank God!
[applauding]
[scatting]
I'm proud of you, Francine. Thanks for understanding.
Yeah. I'm impressed, Dr. Bailey. Usually you're much more..
Mean and vindictive?
Yeah, but really fun to be with.
Hey, what's everybody.. Oh.
Well, thanks for taking it down. I really appreciate it.
No problem. It's the least I could do.
Yeah. Well, thanks.
Hey, if he has a thing against clowns
why should I make it hard on him?
[screaming]
[horn honking]
Then again, I got to be me.
Isn't it weird that Bruce has a fear of clowns?
[chuckles] Very weird.
But everybody has fears, Darby.
- Hm. Not me. - Oh, come on.
You've got to be afraid of something.
Well, let me think.
Okay, I got one!
I'm afraid of Roberta Flack.
- Roberta Flack? - Mm, and giant sea clams.
And plane toilets
and the artist formerly known as Prince
and...Oompa-Loompas.
Clip-on ties, tuna and oil
midget ponies, Tofutti..
[shudders]
Alfred E. Neuman or Ted Koppel. Huh. Pick one.
Thursday.
And I think my biggest fear, and I know this sounds silly
but I think my biggest fear is the fear of abandonment.
Francine?
Francine?
[scatting]
[theme music]
[scatting]